You know...I don't understand why I still sometimes think that the ex was it.

It probably is because he provided me with a feeling that I had never experienced.  The intensity of the emotions I felt while around him was unlike any I've felt before or since.  And like I've said, I've been craving that again.  I want to have those intense feelings again, and even now, he is the only one capable of providing them to me, even if now they are more anger and sadness than happiness and love like they once were.  That is frustrating.  Incredibly frustrating.  Because when I think about all he did, before and after he left me, he doesn't deserve to be in my thoughts as the possible "one."

He channeled his unhappiness in ways that hurt me.  He lied to me.  He betrayed me.  

And yet, even now, I am concerned about him and his feelings.  I wrote to him, telling him that he can be better than he is, and I do believe that...I do.  Even though he has gotten angry about me having these unrealistic expectations on him, which is a load of crap.  All I ever expected of him was to show decency through his actions.  Really, out of everything he has ever done, getting angry about that was actually one of the most disappointing.  Because it was him telling me that me thinking he should act like the decent human being he claims to be (and I think he can be) is setting too high expectations.  I was disappointed in him, and remain disappointed in him, for daring to think that.  If he would rather me think of him as the piece of shit I have often described him and have often thought in my incredibly angry moments, then he can continue to get angry about those expectations.  Because it will show me that he doesn't want to actually be a good person.  He will make bad choices and just excuse them because that is 'how he is,' or some bullshit like that.  But...him taking responsibility for all he has done with no desire to defend those actions...that is good.  It shows that he can be a good person, and more than he has been, especially to me.  

Why is it that I really think that he can be better?  Why do I think a person capable of making all the choices he has made can still be good, and can be so much better than he has proven himself to be?  Is it due to those lingering feelings?  Is it more self-centered: do I want to think he can be better simply because I don't want to think that I could have been seduced and everything by a terrible person?  Is it because he has shown himself to be a good person in the past?  

(Heh, I feel like I'm Luke Skywalker, trying to reach out to Darth Vader and being all "THERE IS GOOD IN YOU," when so much evidence points to the contrary.) 

I don't know why I have been thinking about this.  Maybe since I sent that whole thing to him.  I have thought him evil in the past, I have.  When I was down and sad and unable to come up with any sort of explanation for his actions, that was the only reasoning that made any sort of sense to me.  And you know what?  Maybe that feeling will continue to battle this 'there is good in him' feeling, even though it is losing.

My major disappointment in him stems from this, I suppose.  That deep down, I know he can be a good person.  But he has acted contrary to that for so long.  His actions stunned me because I thought him incapable of doing those sorts of things.  

But maybe he will surprise me again.  Hopefully, in a good way.