I'm having trouble accepting my weight and body recently.

Like, I know I'm working out and I'm trying to not eat so much crap (seriously, I stopped buying a lot of stuff because I know I'll just inhale it) but I still feel like I'm so heavy and despite people telling me that my muscle mass is increasing (which...I guess it is), I just hate the way I look, especially when I see pictures of how I used to look.

Then I need to remember that I looked that way because I never ate and I shouldn't want that again but I kind of do.  But I'm hungry all the time.

And the abilify; I stopped taking it for a few days and I was slammed with awful feels so I know I shouldn't do that despite how I'm afraid of it causing me to gain a lot of weight.

None of my clothes fit me anymore, I feel.  None of the pants anyway.  Most of it I think is because of my thighs more than my waist but.  Still.  It is frustrating to me.

ghdfkghfj

I hate this I hate having body image issues.

Bizarre, ex-related dream last night.

So I guess, for some ungodly reason, I decided I wanted to talk with him.  And that I would do that by ambushing him in California. I took my best friend and we road tripped over, where I met his gf first, because he was at work or something.  She was welcoming and nice, actually.  I remember being very surprised at her hospitality.  Suddenly, other random people began showing up and we were all hanging out and laughing and it was oddly a good time.  But the ex wasn't there yet.

And then I left to do something, and when I came back, I knew he was in there, and I kept stalling.  I became very nervous so I didn't go in again.

They left on this boat party, and I decided I needed to get on that, and in order to do that, best friend and I needed to participate in some contest which involved jet skis, floaties, action figures in the water (and having to grab only the ones of women), and something else.  Even my dream self didn't know what the rules were.

But I think I won, and then I woke up around then.

It was weird.

I feel sad today.

I've been going through the DA series again; on 2 currently.  It's easy to run through these games when I have no job, yay.

Though I want to write I've been having serious writer's block.

Also I've been reluctant to take medication since I'm fearing that is a contributor to weight gain and...I know that's not what I should do but...I don't know.

I'm tired.

My morning walk was eventful.

There is always this little Beagle that we pass on our normal route, and he is always (stereotypically Beagle) howling at us when we pass because he wants to say hi.  He is super cute.  But today I all of a sudden see him running towards us; he got off his outside leash.  So he and Callie exchange greetings and butt-sniffs and then start playing, but then I picked him up to bring him back to his house.  Only thing is that I'm maybe...five steps from the door when he wriggles free of my grasp.

And hence a long chase began.

According to my phone, it was around a mile of me trying to get this little pup.  He kept running away whenever I got close, and I would try running only when he was out of my sight.  I know he probably thought of it as a game, and he kept sniffing everything (again, what a stereotype) and then running.  I got a decent amount of running in.

Finally, Callie stopped to poop.  And I guess he wanted to smell it because he came flying back towards us and stopped, which gave me the chance to pick him up and start carrying him back to his house.  (Thank god for mma, because holding onto him, who was squirming a lot, plus Callie's leash plus a poop bag was not exactly the easiest thing in the world.)

But I got him back to his house safe and sound, and his mom thanked me a ton for getting him back.  I just felt better knowing that he was home.

My arms are scratched up some now but that's okay.

Interesting way to start the day!

So I was looking up some things and I think that my weight gain is actually largely due to the medication.  My appetite has been really large and unable to be satisfied and I feel like I've just been storing more than I used to.

So I guess it is even more important that I keep going to workouts.

Ugh I didn't know I would have to give up my desk while I was away what the fuck is this bullshit.

I wanted to come into the office once in a while and be in my office but I guess first years have priority over someone who is going on leave.

But what, I just lose my desk and location when I come back?  This doesn't make any sense to me.

I don't do it often but when I look at my ex's page and see more "cutesy" stuff it just annoys me.  (Though I feel like lately I just come here to complain about this when I shouldn't be but I tend to look through past things when I'm either bored or upset with myself and I'm in that latter category at the moment.  Bad decisions.)  But that is my own problem, since obviously he's totally okay with having been terrible to his past girlfriends and then end up with someone with no repercussions whatsoever.

I think the only big repercussion he ever got was my hating him, which he probably never even really gave a shit about?

He's been in my thoughts more than usual (which is...not a lot, really, but it is still more than none, which is what it should be right now), and it might also be because I'm actually going on a date on Saturday?  At least, I think it is a date.  I don't know.  I was excited about the prospect of it before I came back to Bing but now I feel little with respect to it.  And I hate comparing, but I do; where I felt excited and nervous and scared with the ex, I feel...so little now.  But I guess that comes with the depression, and while it has been better, it still flares up at times.

I shouldn't compare.  Because really, that whirlwind of emotions I felt towards the ex blinded me to things that he did that I never would have tolerated if I only listened to my logical side.  So it wasn't really a good thing.  But then again, I should have something.

Maybe I'm just shutting down because the idea of another romance is scary to me?  Although I don't feel actively scared...I think it might be a subconscious thing.  Because the last one ended up being so fucking traumatic for me, and the idea of going through that all a second time is just...awful to say the least.

Then again, it might also be part of "Allie's unknown sexuality" series.  Whenever someone asks about my sexuality I never know how to answer; most people in my life think I'm straight even though I honestly don't think I truly am.  I've never really felt like I am; I find my sexuality to be very fluid.  I have times where I am definitely sexually and physically attracted to people, and then other times - like recently - where I feel nothing.  So I slide into the ace spectrum, I guess.  I've thought of myself as demisexual in the past too, but even that I'm not sure.  When I'm feeling attracted to people, I definitely feel attraction to men and women, so there's bisexuality in there too.

Yeah, sexuality is a weird topic for me.  So this whole "getting back into the dating game" thing might be upsetting that particular dilemma too.

Despite my getting better, I still feel like a gigantic mess.


Unrelated: I need some source of income for this semester so I've been looking up jobs.  But at the same time if I wanna keep writing a lot I really don't want a job.

Maybe.  I dunno.  I need cash.    

I've been thinking about writing a memoir of some sorts concerning my time at grad school and this journey of mine through depression/anxiety/heartbreak+recovery, etc., etc., but I'm not sure if it would be interesting at all and I'm going through some self-doubting lately.

I should work on my fic tomorrow too; I'm around 63000 words, and I'm not really close to being done, but maybe I'll make it more of a necessity to write every day rather than bang something out once every few days.  That might make things more regular.

Truthfully, I'm not extremely confident in my writing abilities, despite people telling me that they are strong.  I just don't think that my writing is interesting.  But I don't know.  Maybe someone will want to read about my shit or something.

Still not feeling great about myself.

But the end of gishwhes was good and fun though I wish we were able to do a little bit more.

And then parents came back from cruise yesterday and we went to movies today.

I think maybe I'll head back to Bing sometime this week.

I'm a lazy sack of shit who has let herself go and I am disgusting and I hate every picture of myself.

I hate how I look.  I really do.

I need to go back to working out regularly.

I tried, for the first time in a long time, to listen to Such Great Heights today.

I could barely make it into the first verse before memories and shit flooded back and I noped the fuck out of that song.

I have no idea what is going on with me.  A relapse, I guess is what I could call it?

I've just been uninspired to do much since I got back from Ota.  I keep writing but it is getting harder and harder to sit down and crank out chapters, despite all the ideas floating around in my head.  (Though I did pass the 50,000 word mark, which is cool I guess.)

I want to work out but have no energy or motivation to do so, really.  And then when I do start, I find it boring due to being by myself, and stop sooner than I should.  I hate the way I look right now, but I can't be half-assed to fix it.

This is probably at least in part because I've been forgetting to take my meds some days.  And also probably because the MMA was what was keeping me active and in shape and without it I've gone back to being a useless blob of shit.

Even gishwhes, which I was so excited for, has me just kind of staring at the prompts being like, "...kay.  I guess I'll do this one."  Which is so frustrating because I know I want to do more of it.  There is one that involves a silly dance that I've been wanting to do, so maybe doing that one will get me back in the game or something, I don't know.

Hell, even my mom, before she left, basically said I don't do anything, especially with regards to cleaning.  I tried to explain to her that things that she finds messy I don't but I guess I just suck at even keeping up a house too.  Sorry I'm terrible at everything.

I just want to stay in bed all day.

I can already feel myself slipping into a slump and I don't want that no no no please.

Was a little sad today?

I'm losing some motivation to write even though I still have so many ideas.

Bah.

Maybe I just want to be somewhere different?