I should be having a good time but I'm sad and feeling like a third wheel to two couples and this is why I stay in my room and don't hang out with people.

And we are playing a game I'm not that interested in instead of watching Empire so that's fun I guess we aren't watching the others even though I've been excited to do this all day.

Hah.

Can't even enjoy a night out with friends.

I'm a piece of shit.

Ugh this is why I didn't want roommate B's girlfriend to hang with us. I just wanted to have a Star Wars movie night and I finally actually planned something and she is talking through everything and doing other shit and idk. Like do that shit that I'm obviously not a part of (which is doubly annoying for me like thanks) when I'm not around since that happens often.

I wanted to like her but right now I'm just finding her more and more annoying.

Maybe I'm being unfair.

I can't fucking wait for roommate's boyfriend to go home omfg.

There's a website contest going on right now for the department, reminding me that I really need to start setting up a website.

But then I look at what people have on theirs and I'm reminded that my website would right now just be me going "I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING."

Despite my saying that I would return to MMA as soon as I returned to Bing, I haven't gone yet because I'm a lazy sack of shit and I'm also afraid of going back and being reminded of how badly I've been neglecting any form of fitness.

Even though I really ought to go...

Maybe tomorrow, since it is Friday, no one will be there.


Also, unrelated, but since I played through the Inquisition DLC on the One, I have actual screenshots of my Inquisitor!

I love her so much.

So I'm back in Bing.  Didn't really want to come back, but the school year starts on Monday.  I actually got back on Friday due to wanting to leave before the blizzard hit the Island.

And I actually have been productive in the last two days!  Cleaned my room (still have some I wanna do but overall it looks good), donated some clothes that I finally decided to get rid of, took care of some bills, set up my One (finally), got Callie a vet appointment, etc., etc.  It has been good, getting shit done.

Only thing is that roommate M has her boyfriend over and...I'm not sure for how long?  Which is kind of frustrating; they've basically taken the living room (as in, have been sleeping in there also) and while I don't mind right now all that much, I will during the week when I need to get up at around 7 to get into school for stuff by 8:30.  Plus, when she told me he was staying, she didn't ask me at all; he was already here and she said that he would be staying here for a couple of weeks.

Weeks kind of put me off.

And then because they've been commandeering the living room, roommate B hasn't been here at all and has been with his girlfriend the whole time and stuff.

(Also the two of them owe me money that I desperately need.)

I was kind of hoping that I would enjoy American Gods more than I currently am.

Sad.


Also little sister went back to school yesterday.  Classes start next week for me so I'll probably be going back Friday or something.

Goals

So the other day I decided to get a sketchbook; a small one that was around $5 at Michael's.  I've been wanting to draw/sketch stuff again; I used to do it a lot, and while I never was great at it, it was still fun.

So today I drew in the first page - my subject was Pearl from Steven Universe.  I still have very much a cartoon/anime style but that's okay.  I don't expect to become super fantastic at drawing or anything, but I'd like to - at least - make my own character designs and draw some of my faves and everything.

I need to constantly tell myself that I don't need to compare my art to others, otherwise it won't be fun for me.  Easier said than done for me, yes, but I still should try.

While I never made a New Year's resolution, I think I might try at least these goals...and while I know they're vague and broad, they might help me at least somewhat.


First, step away from the computer more often, specifically tumblr.  While tumblr can be fun, it can also suck me in for way longer than it should, at the expense of me doing other things.  Also, tumblr does tend to have a one-track mind in terms of any sort of debate, and I want to step away from the toxicity that its extreme call-out culture has.

Second, try to find hobbies and stick to them (as long as they are fun).  Try my best to allow myself to have fun with these things even if I'm not good at them.  I want to draw?  So draw!  Don't compare your drawings to roommate's, who has been drawing consistently practically her whole life.  I want to work out and go back to mma?  Awesome!  Don't sit in class and feel like everyone is judging you for not being able to do this or that.  Just have fun with it.  Want to write for fun?  Go for it!  Writing for fun is something you've always enjoyed!

Third, read more.  I've been reading for fun more in this past month than I have probably within the last year, and I had forgotten (once again) how much fun it is, and how much I enjoy it.  Now that I have a fire (courtesy of best friend!), I can just borrow e-books from my library, and it will make things a hell of a lot easier!

Fourth, try to not overwork, but also try to work again.  Yes, I'm back at school, and with that comes a lot of pressure that I feel crushes me.  I'm basically at the starting line again (still?) in terms of dissertation and figuring out who my committee should be,  But try to take steps at a time.  I need to also try to not compare my work to others'.  People will be further along than me.  People will have more fleshed-out ideas.  Try to not allow comparisons which stifle you and put you back into the burnt-out hole that you found yourself in.

Fifth, get a better sleeping schedule.  This 4am - 2pm business is out of control.  Get back on track.

Sixth, allow myself to enjoy the company of other people.  Now, I know this one sounds weird, since I can't exactly force myself into having a good time, or whatever, but maybe...go out more, with friends.  With people from the department.  Allow yourself some vulnerability - I've avoided most people during my serious downs, and especially when I was away from the department this semester; I didn't want them to see me after they saw some of my own crashes and everything.  But they're good (most of them, anyway), and they will  not think less of me.  And those that do...aren't worth my time.  Allow myself to be friendly again.  And have friendships.  I know that maintaining those friendships has been difficult, and I've been isolating myself away from people, but...it would be better for me to socialize a bit more.


There's probably more that I can think of, but these are the main six on my mind currently.  And while some seem downright impossible during bad spells and crashes, I think it was important for me to write them down at the very least.

And hey, at least I'll be able to talk with Nancy again soon and then hopefully she can help me with all of this as well, as she has been.


[Edit] - Oh!  One more (or rather, two more but I'm going to roll them into one):

Seventh, drink more water.  Also, try making your bed more often and keep your room cleaner.  You're more productive that way.

I think about my own demise too often.

Sometimes by my own hand, and other times by some freak accident or by another, and I at times find myself wishing for those accidents because I know that while I - deep down - might want that nothingness to just ease myself of all that which I feel (and don't feel, really), I'm too cowardly to take that plunge.

I imagine it and I think about it all the time and it just seems...almost like a dream.

And with me not taking that path, I instead continue to drudge along this dull road filled with my own failures and disappointments.  And while I know, theoretically, that there is good along this road also, it is...impossible to see right now.

Hah, and part of me thought I was ready to return to school.  (Though, the other part of me always knew choosing to go back at this time was for monetary reasons only.)

Returning to Binghamton seems awful right now, but staying here also feels stagnant.

I wish...I wish I could just go somewhere new.

Though the last time I thought that going somewhere new would help me, it brought me to Bing, which probably made things worse.

Then again...

Sometimes, I think of London.

I think of Pennsylvania, where my college friends are.

I think of Wisconsin, where best friend is.

I just think...dream about places where maybe I would be truly happy.  Not happy "once in a while" or as part of a cycle that I continue to struggle through but...honestly happy.  Like how others seem to be.

Or at least normal.

I have this idea in my head for a book series but I have zero idea if it would be interesting to anyone or not and I'm afraid of my tendency to start things and then get bored with them super quickly.



I started this post with that line last night and then I guess forgot about it because that is what I do nowadays.

Though now I guess I can talk about my dream: I was in high school, and there was a soccer game going on.  Only thing was was that it was a home game, and I - for some reason - only had my away game jersey (which is green, while the home game one is white).  Instead of just going to the game, I decided I needed to find the white jersey no matter what, and I kept delaying going to the game in order to find it.  I looked everywhere I could think of, but couldn't locate it.  Even when one of my teammates came in, and I asked her where she found hers, she couldn't really help.  She just asked where I left mine from the previous year (even though we weren't allowed to keep our uniforms from year to year like that).

And I never did find that jersey.

Funny, when I woke up and told my mom this (as I tell her many dreams - she seems surprised and everything when I say how many I recall), she asked me what I thought it meant.  While she was joking, I did remark that Nancy and I would often go through my dreams and figure out what they meant in terms of my conscious self.

In this case, it probably means I'm searching for something - career choice, happiness, whatever just something - and I'm delaying going further in life in order to find whatever that is first.

Or something, I don't know.  Nancy is better at this dream-interpreting thing than I am.

I need to find something physical to do that will hold my attention for longer than a few days.

MMA was good for a while but I haven't gone back since I'm still on the island.

And even that got somewhat boring to me.

I need to find something to do every day.

I wish rock climbing or something of that nature wasn't out of my budget.

If I had more money I would do more things, I think.


Also I've been sick the past few days and I feel like garbage.

But on the plus side I read all of The Captive Prince and I started reading The Prince's Gambit today and it is wonderful.

I just love being both sick and depressed.

I just looked up the symptoms of overdosing on zoloft.




Perhaps isolating myself once again (unintentionally or intentionally) is my subconscious' way of telling me to pull the trigger already and stop doing this dance I've been waltzing for more than a few years.



Maybe I'm just going crazy.