Still sick.  But it is slowly getting better...I think.  I usually feel better at the end of the day but then wake up feeling awful.  I should have gotten more cold medicine today but I wanted to get back home so I could make it in time to hang out with that guy.

He picked me up and we just went to a local place in Binghamton - I've been there before, but only once - and he got my glass of wine and we just sat around and talked for a few hours.  He had to go to his rehearsal, otherwise we probably would have ended up there a lot longer, which I am more than okay with.  Honestly, he's just really nice and easy to talk to.  I told him I'd like to go see the play he's in when it opens, and I invited him to our eventual Liam Neeson marathon we keep talking about.  Which will probably not be able to happen until after all our assignments are handed in, but it will be awesome, and I'd love for him to make it.

Truthfully, when I think about going home for a month, I get a little sad about the idea of not being able to hang out with him for that long.  Even though we kind of just met.  He's fun, though.  Maybe I'll come back once or so around New Year's, if I don't have anything else to do, and if he would like.  I don't want to make any assumptions!

I have so much work to do, and little desire to do any of it.  That's normal, though.

Grading

There is no possible way all of these papers are going to be graded by 10 in the morning on Thursday.  Since I've been sick, I've been playing catch-up with my own work, and I still am.  Therefore, these papers are not...really going to get looked at until tomorrow night, most likely.  So long as I am finished with my assignment for Thursday, I mean.  I should warn the head TA about this, and she is most likely going to get angry with me, but...I don't know.  If I wasn't practically incapacitated on Sunday and yesterday, I would have been able to get more of my work done for the week, and so, would've been able to get started on these papers earlier.

But since I still have the majority of a book to read, and then another part of a stats homework to do for Thursday...yeah.  Maybe I can get at least half done and say that it is a work in progress and that I'll have the rest of them done as soon as possible.

A friend is visiting me on Friday; I need to go pick her up at her school and drive her back here.  It should be a lot of fun, and I'm really excited to see her, but I hope she doesn't mind if I take an hour or two or something to do work while she is here.  Bad hosting, I know, but I really have so much to do and not nearly enough time to do it all.  I know I should have maybe postponed, but I've been postponing so much on her and I really want to see her, so I might just ask if we could do some work at some point.  Or if I can do work and she play video games for a little.  Not for very long!  I want to take her to the movies and out to bars and stuff, but I really might need to take some time to do work as well.  I just hope she's okay with that.  If not, then I'll just go into work-recluse mode on Sunday after I bring her back and everything.  And I hope to get a lot of stuff done tomorrow, Thursday, and Friday throughout the day.  So...maybe it won't be so bad, work-wise.  I am super pumped she's visiting, though.

I am going out with that guy from the bar Thursday afternoon, too.  Since he has something to do later on that night, it won't turn into an hours-long affair, like our last meeting.  Which I am both pleased with - from a work standpoint - and bummed about - from a 'I want to hang out with this awesome person' standpoint.


I know I said this on my fb, but my lower-case alphas always end up looking like Jesus fish.  And I feel like the more I try to make them look not like that, the more fishy they end up looking.

I'm still really sick.  I even missed class today and have not gotten out of bed with the exception of bathroom and food breaks.  Kind of bummed I won't be able to go to the bar to see that guy, but it is better that I stay inside and try to recover enough so I could go to class tomorrow.  Honestly I shouldn't really get my hopes up about him or anything, we just had one night and yeah we have been texting and yeah I do like him, but it is better I be more pessimistic about everything.

It's a lesson I've learned, I suppose.

I'm also just being lame right now because of how horrible I feel.  I guess bad thoughts surface even more when I'm feeling physically ill.

Though, good news: my friend whom I did my summer fellows project with just asked me if I'd like to try and combine our papers into one and maybe try and get it published.  Which is an awesome idea and I definitely want to.

It would be funny if it does get published; my first work is in mathematics, not political science.

Though...I wouldn't mind doing some future work in math, either.  I do miss it.


[Edit] - Dammit Scramble, you're supposed to be fun, not remind me of things I once said, like 'doop.'  Stop with that.  It makes me angry.  And sad.  But mostly angry.

Sickly

The drive back was awful.  I'm pretty sure we spent more time in traffic than out of it.  I think it ended up being around 7 hours, or something.  Usually I can make the drive between 4 and 4.5.

Also, I am incredibly sick.  I originally thought my throat aching was because of the concert (and honestly it probably is), but now I have a fever and it has been getting worse all day, despite my taking medicine.  I really just want to go back home so my parents could take care of me.

I'm going to cancel my discussion class for tomorrow, since I don't think this is going to get better by then, and it will allow me a few more hours of sleep.  I feel bad, but if I'm like this tomorrow, I don't even know if I'll be able to muster up the strength to go to my own class.

Random

I wanted to give details about the concert, and I will.  I will also give details about Lincoln, which I just saw and was awesome.  But that will be an entry for another time. 

I've been thinking about this no contact thing, and I'm realizing the longer I go not talking to him, the more I've begun to hate him.  Possibly.  It is easier for me to realize all the shit he has pulled and how disgustingly selfish he is and has been when I do not have him as a "friend."  And I use that term loosely because he was a worse friend than he was a boyfriend (at least toward the end).  Since I no longer wish to cling to him and to the idealized version of him that exists and has existed in my mind - which honestly is not an idealized version, but rather how he was prior to everything happening - it is becoming easier for me to dislike him.  

Right now, I will say I still don't hate him.  But I cannot promise that such hatred won't develop. 

I did all I could for him, even when he did not deserve it.  Hell, he doesn't deserve my constant thinking about him, in a positive or negative light.  In return, I was led on and abandoned. 

I tried.  He didn't.  

He ran. 

Therefore, he doesn't deserve me.  Not only as a partner, but as a friend.  As someone who cares about him.  He would probably disagree with this, and claim he hasn't done as many awful things as he has. 

I still hold out hope that the person I originally met still exists, and that maybe I can meet him again.  But I will not entertain the idea of being friends - now or in the future - with the version that I have dealt with recently. 

If he wants to do whatever with whomever, I do not care anymore.  I don't care if it is with that chick, or with anyone fucking else.  (Or at least, I'm going to continue to tell myself that I do not care, until I finally stop caring.)  All I know, at this rate, is that I tried, and was excellent to him.  I did nothing to warrant all of this.  I did not and do not deserve to feel as awful as I do about him.  I should not have to go to fucking counseling because he destroyed me (though to be fair the reason I'm there is not solely because of him), and left me alone to pick up the pieces while he ran around with people like...within a month after breaking up with me.  

I may hate myself at times, and think myself awful, but I did not deserve that.  I deserved someone who truly cared about me.  I do not believe he did. 

At one point he accused me of soiling the memory of our relationship with all my thoughts.  That people say all the types of things we said all the time while in relationships and then eventually break up.  No.  I'm not soiling our memory.  He did.  I'm just interpreting as anyone would.      

Really, I do hate that I can be in a good mood, and then I think about him, and immediately get in a bad mood.  

And I know that this might change.  Tomorrow I might miss him.  Well, I miss him now, but tomorrow I might not think these things about him.  

This might seem as though it is against what I said in a previous entry, that if we are meant to be, then we will be, and that is fine.  It really is not.  A friend recently told me that I need to hate him, for a while.  That I tried to suppress my overwhelming anger and disgust at what he did and how he has been in an effort to remain friends, or rather, on my part, in an effort to get us back together.  That him asking to be friends was worse than anything else, because it forced me to hang onto him, and to keep my anger inside.  Although I did allow it to leak a few times, I tried to suppress it.  I tried to claim that everything was going to be okay.  I tried to believe him when he told me that he would not have done anything with that girl if he knew how upset it would have made me (which I know was a bullshit lie probably just said to appease me).  I told myself that he is not terrible, and has not done terrible things to me, when his track record said otherwise. 

I even said at one point that I was going to try to forgive him.  And I did try.  Even if he would not believe that.  I really did.  

But it was too soon to forgive.  And it is too soon to not be angry.

I'm still mad.  

I don't know when I won't be, for what he did. 

This is rambling and probably incoherent and probably should go into my private blog.  It may be moved later, but for now, I don't care. 

I am tired of writing about him, even though I do it.  I'm just tired of thinking about him.  He doesn't even deserve my hatred.  

What he deserves is my indifference.  For me to not think of him.  At all.  In either a positive or negative light. 

Sadly, that will never happen. 

Wow

Holy.  Fucking.  Shit.

That concert was amazing.  My ears are ringing in the best of ways.

I was right up against the stage.  Carl crowdsurfed.  Jack held my hand at one point.

Details maybe tomorrow.

I bought a record of Anarchy and the Ecstasy because why the fuck not.  Ignore the fact that I do not have a record player.

Smartphone

Acquired a smartphone today!  Instead of the Galaxy s3, I ended up going with a LG Lucid (I think that's what it is called), since it was cheaper and everything.  So far I'm just playing around with it and trying to figure out how to navigate it and everything.

We were supposed to go to the movies today but since we have the concert later we figured we'll just do that tomorrow instead!  I'm really pumped to go.

I should try and do some more work today; I need to try and start figuring out what to write for a reaction paper for my World class.  Unfortunately, my book for Monday still has not arrived.  I am displeased with this.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Today was filled with many noms and family and friends, which was good.  I even tried my hand at Black Friday shopping, but that only lasted for about an hour.

I bought the tickets for the World/Inferno concert tomorrow, and I'm grossly excited.

Unfortunately, I think I left my phone charger at my apartment, and my phone is on its last legs battery-wise.  However, my plan is to get a new phone tomorrow - I want to finally upgrade to a smartphone and get the Galaxy s3.

I don't really have many updates; been working more than I should be for being on vacation, but I'm enjoying being at home.  

Concert

Tomorrow I will be buying four tickets to the World/Inferno concert on Friday.

I am so fucking excited.

I should probably just buy them now but I'm tired, so gonna just do it when I wake up!


I've been texting that guy still, which makes me really happy.

Updates

So my drive down to the Island with friends was awesome.  We just listened to music and chatted and had a great time!  Only thing was once we hit the GW Bridge we got into a lot of traffic and that sucked.  Even though we left around 4:30, we didn't get back until almost 10.  Though that allowed Carl and I to immediately run to Applebee's for half price appetizers.  Which was - as usual - delicious.

Alright, so I said I would talk about meeting that guy, and I shall do it now!  We've been texting back and forth since then so, which has been awesome.

After killing a tower of amaretto sour with friends, we went to a different bar than usual, because Carl said that it was a place where a lot of grad students went.  Since our regular bar was empty (it being a Monday night and all), we went over.  It was really crowded, and much more lively.  There were live musicians playing, and I think it was just amateur night or something, because people were just going up with their guitars and stuff.  Some were really good, and others...eh, not so much.  But still, it was awesome to listen to some live music!

At first we felt a little weird, because it seemed as though everyone knew each other, so we were just standing in the back.  The guy originally just walked past me - I think it was the combination of the leather jacket and the red sweatshirt that really got my attention in the beginning.  And he's really really cute.  Normally I'm not very taken aback by anyone upon first looking at them, but this guy seemed awesome.

Cue me, for the rest of the fucking night, debating whether or not I should talk to him.  It probably annoyed my friends, but whatever.

So anyway, we moved closer to the musicians in the front, partly because we wanted to see them, and also partly because that guy was up there.  For a while he was surrounded by his own friends and stuff, so I didn't want to do anything.  Just look.  I was a huge creeper, kind of.

He actually ended up going up, and he played two or three songs.  And was so good.  I was really impressed.  And that kind of fueled my desire to talk to him even more.

I don't know if this other guy heard me talking about how intimidated I was and how I didn't know if I should go up and talk to him - especially since I knew I wouldn't really be able to take a rejection on that specific night very well (I would just get sad, probably) - because he just walked over to me and started telling me all these wonderful things.  He said that I shouldn't feel intimidated and that he could tell just by looking at me that I was a beautiful person and that I was the most beautiful person at the bar and that I should be confident because of that and everything.  And it was really nice to hear.  I admired that guy's courage too; he took the opportunity to tell me that, and it was really nice of him.  Especially since I usually do doubt myself and think awful things about myself...it's nice sometimes to hear that my own thoughts don't correspond to other people's, and that maybe I'm not as bad as I sometimes think.

Anyway, last call was announced, and the musician guy was standing - finally - by himself.  I decided to just...go up and talk to him.  I offered to buy him a drink since he did so well and he was really thankful and nice (and was impressed that I gave the bartender an awesome tip; she even gave me a high-five because of it), and then we just talked for a while.  He was an English major but is now doing something in web design (which, I don't know if I've said but I'm extremely attracted to computer scientists/engineers/mathematicians/natural scientists...basically people in the STEM fields, so that was awesome), and played the saxophone (so we gushed about that).  We fangirled/boyed a little over Death Cab and Benjamin Gibbard, and I started recommending a bunch of bands to him.

Eventually, though, we were kicked out, so numbers were exchanged.  I drove Carl and Brendan back to their apartments, and I had gotten a text asking if we could hang out more.  Without hesitating I said yes, and I met him back at the bar.  He lead me to his house, and we just sat around and talked for a long time.  I allowed my nerdiness to come out in full force, practically, because I don't think I should hide that ever.  He seemed to like it, or at least not mind.  We ended up cuddling for a little bit, too, and before I knew it, it was five in the morning.

A kiss goodnight happened, and then I was - like I said - beaming the entire way home.

We've been texting back and forth since then, just joking around and stuff.  He's just really sweet and funny and I'm really looking forward to hanging out with him again at some point hopefully.  (Definitely going back to that bar Monday night for sure.)

I haven't felt like this in a long time.  It feels good.


Sometime soon I should post something about the Israel-Palestine conflict happening right now.  If it keeps escalating - which I unfortunately fear that it will - I wonder when the U.S. is going to intervene.

I met an awesome guy tonight.  I'm really glad I summoned the courage to talk to him at the bar.

I just got home.  He had invited me to his house and we just talked for...hours, apparently.  It was really nice.

Hell, I was beaming the entire way back.

Details to come tomorrow or so, because I ought to sleep soon.

Today

I disappointed my class this morning when I showed up around 8 minutes after the time we were supposed to start.  They were probably waiting for the 10-15 minute rule to kick in.  Though since I was late, I decided to not give them the quiz that I had made up for them, which pleased them at the very least.  I didn't wake up until around 8, and then had to get ready and there was a ton of frost and stuff on my car, so...yeah.  Ended up not getting to class until around 8:40.  Oh well.

After class today I have plans for maybe dinner, movies, and then most definitely drinking with friends.  I have no plans on going to the intro lecture tomorrow, which means I will focus on having fun tonight, especially with what day it is.  I was told that I should try to not think about him, but to make today a celebration of myself and my friends and the fact that I have people that really care about me and all that.

Honestly, right now, I'm actually doing better than I thought I would be on this date.  Of course, I am still sad, plus it is early, and I'm very tired, but I'm excited to hang out with people tonight and just forget about what this day would have been in an alternate universe and all that.

I do sometimes wonder if he thinks about this stuff as much as I do.  Probably not, since he's fine and over it, at least it seems, but I still wonder.  I wonder if today still has any special significance to him, despite that it really isn't supposed to be special anymore.

I mean, it's not like it would change anything.  I still wonder, though.  Call it intellectual curiosity if you want.


A drunken post might happen later.  Just warning.

[Edit] - "Red Rubber Ball" is going to have to be my anthem for today.  And for a while after that.

Greenkill

So Greenkill was actually not a terrible time, and it helped that I got to see Dee today and yesterday.  She's pleased with a certain decision, and we ordered pizza last night.  I got to Greenkill at around 8:45 this morning, and spent the day going over cases.  And then, I got to see Joanna too.  Two out of three sister reunions this weekend!  It only would have been better if I could have seen Steph at some point too.  

The only thing is that I haven't done any work for Monday, so I'll be driving back tomorrow and then having to do all of that.  

I'm really unfocused and kind of tired right now so the language in this entry is probably really crap.  Though I have my friends texting me all about some bet they made and the punishment that has been settled on.  I really can't wait for our little field trip. 

Today, when I saw someone I haven't seen since March, she told me that I looked like I lost a lot of weight, and that I "looked really good."  Sometimes I like those comments, and then I feel guilty, because the way I lost weight was incredibly unhealthy, and I'm still somewhat like that.  I don't know.  

London

I miss London.


Even though I love Binghamton and the people here and I don't think I would change anything school-wise...I sometimes wish I looked at schools in England more, and hadn't been guilted into not.  I think I'm just angry that I allowed someone to guilt me into not looking more into London schools.  

I'll see if maybe in the future I can get a grant to do research over there or something, because I can't imagine I won't want to do research on the U.K. at some point while I'm here.

If not, I'll just go over there for a trip myself or something.

I'm feeling very sad.

Maybe I should have gone out to meet with friends at the bar, but...I really just wasn't in the mood.  At all.  I didn't want to get out of bed again.  They might have been able to make me feel better temporarily, but...I don't know.

I just want a pile of puppies to play with.  Cute puppies make everything better all the time.


I've been told many times I'm too hard on myself; that I don't allow myself to make mistakes.  That I should go easy on myself, because I tried my hardest and I put everything I could into stuff, and that just not everything is under my control, as much as I would like it to be.  That I need to allow myself to feel certain things and not become angry with myself for feeling them.

That's so hard to do.

Court

Everything went better than expected!

I walked in, showed my ticket to the officer, and she asked me how I wanted to plead.  When I said "guilty," she asked me if I had any points on my license.  When I told her none, she told me to instead plead not guilty, and go online to do this six-hour course.  With the course, I would only have to pay $125 or so, and would get no points on my license.

So of course I did that.  I was in and out of there in five minutes at most.  I just need to go register or do whatever I need to do for that.


Before this, though, my day had been very stressful, so this was a lucky break for me.  I was advised to consider medication for my mood - especially because of my strong mood swings - and maybe my appetite, so that is something I'm going to need to seriously think about.


Though I did get a 100 on my first Methods assignment.  That pleased me, at least.  And we were able to get our professor to cancel class for Tuesday.


So far, this day is ending better than it started.

[Edit] - Apparently to get into this program thing the ticket for speeding needs to have been for less than 25 miles per hour, whereas mine was for more than that (I call  bullshit on that, but whatever).  Of course it was going to be too good to be true.  But I'm just doing what the officer told me so now I'm all confused and hfdjkhsk.  I should just go back and talk to her again but I really have no desire to right now.

Bah.  This is incredibly frustrating.

Catching up

A friend of mine from freshman year has been contacting me a lot recently, which I'm really happy with.  Actually, we've remained friends since freshman year, though he left school for reasons, but we have not really kept in contact.  Rather, it was more when he visited the school we would hang out, but we would never really speak outside of that.  But we would hang out all the time when we were freshman, and we lived in the same building.  A lot of Smash was played between us.

He even just remarked that we need to talk more soon because it's been too long, and that made me smile.

Speaking of, another random guy from my undergrad messaged me as well, though I never...really spoke to him?  I messaged him back but I don't really expect a full conversation between us.  It was just odd.  I don't mind!  It was unexpected, is all.


Tomorrow is my day in traffic court.  Oh man.  I'm nervous; I'm hoping they'll go at least a little bit easy on me.

I have a meeting at 8:30 in the morning with the other TAs and I'm so displeased with that.  But I think I might try to sleep before or by midnight, because I'm still exhausted.

"If you think of me, I will think of you."


I know I said I wasn't going to post song lyrics because it makes me look like an annoying hipster and like a schoolgirl but I'm both exhausted and hopped up on caffeine so the amount of fucks I give is definitely zero.  If I could give negative fucks, I would, but I don't really think that's possible.

I write two lines of this reaction paper, and then decide its worth at least fifteen minutes of internet.  No wonder I'm not getting enough done.

All I really want to do...is play video games.  Seriously.  The last thing I was really able to play was Portal 2. Since then, I had one day where I played Skyrim for a bit, and then another day where I tried out Resident Evil 6 for about three hours.  I kind of want to try Halo 4, but I wonder if I should, since I didn't play any of the others, really.  Plus the whole sucking at shooters thing too.

I wonder if I can try my hand at Dead Space again.

My Xbox is just.  There.  Asking to be played.

I miss you, Xbox.  I promise, we will be reunited soon.  Schoolwork can only keep us apart for so long.


Wow I'm really tired, aha.

Tired

Tonight will probably be a long night filled with caffeinated soda and attempts to rip my own hair out.  I've been able to successfully read one of the books and the two articles for tomorrow, and for now I'm going to wait on the other book until I have finished my reaction paper.  The other book is on the construction of the constitution in Egypt, and I know absolutely nothing about that, so I can't imagine that I would have much to say about that in a paper.  Hence why it is going to get last priority.

I have not been able to think of a point for my reaction paper for any of these as of yet, though.  That might be because I'm an idiot, or it might be because I'm exhausted.  Or it might be a combination of both of those things.

The Youth and Government people convinced me to go train justices on Saturday, though I don't like that me asking for the address instead cultivated in them telling me to meet a certain group somewhere and take a bus on Friday night and then stay until Sunday afternoon.  No.  I can't.  I was told I had to be there by 8 in the morning on Saturday and then I get to leave around 8 that night or so.  I cannot afford to spend the entire weekend there, rather than just a day.

And in that whole explanation, I did not even get the address, which was the one thing I originally asked for.

Not that it really matters, seeing as I cannot find my GPS, for some reason.  It probably is somewhere in my car, but my paranoia leads me to immediately think it got stolen or something.  Which...wouldn't really make any sense, since nothing else was taken, and I lock my car all the time.

I actually ate well...ish today, and I'm thinking about having ice cream now.  Ice cream and a break from this stuff, so I can reset my mind and then come back to a possible reaction.

If only it worked as simply as it sounded.

Music

I'm scoping out different albums for the trip down to the Island on Tuesday (or Monday, if we get lucky).  So I'm just looking up different albums on youtube and listening to them before I decide to download them; I'm not going to bother with a certain album if I don't even like it!

Brendan requested The Killers, which I'm surprised I have none of at the moment, and Carl actually asked for more World/Inferno, which I already have two albums of.  I do want Red-Eyed Soul, as well, but that was before Carl mentioned anything.  Plus, I listened to the latest album from Two Door Cinema Club and really liked that too.  Oh, and I've been listening to some Dropkick Murphys, which is so very Irish sounding and I love it.
 

I have two books and two articles to read by Wednesday, as well as a reaction paper to write.  I think I have my proposal all done; it's crap, but I don't think it is necessarily supposed to be good.  Instead, I think it is just supposed to show you at least have a workable idea.

Hopefully, because my proposal is crap.

Off topic

My class today got extremely off topic, but not only am I okay with this, I actually encouraged it.  We did not get to talk about the election last week (simply because it was the day before the election), so after we got on the topic today, I allowed us to just stay on it.  We were talking about presidential vs. parliamentary regimes, and somehow segued into the election.

Had a few people (one in particular) get very excited about pot legalization, as well.

It was a fun class!


I have a lot of work to do today; need to write up my proposal for my essay on the filibuster, get started on Wednesday's readings, and try to not fall asleep all over the place.

Also I'm having very worrisome/troubling thoughts.  Like...imagining myself doing something in particular.  Almost fantasizing about it.  I thought this would go away, but it hasn't yet.  It makes me wonder if I'll ever stop thinking about it and actually try it.

It scares me, more than a little.

Hmm...

Started thinking about something in particular.  It might take a few weeks to sink in, but if I repeat it to myself daily, I might be able to say it eventually, and apologize accordingly.


I have no motivation to write a lesson plan.  My stomach also really hurts.  It's kind of annoying.  Also, my undergrads are being especially irritating.

One more week until a break.  Finally.

On Party Voting

I don't know why I was thinking about this, but I figure it is a good distraction from all my other thoughts.  Maybe it was because I was reading up on parliamentary democracies, in which people constantly vote party line.

I'm sick of people claiming that those who vote party line are either stupid or misinformed.  Especially when it comes to voting for those in the legislature.  Because it just shows me that you don't completely understand what it means to vote for legislators.  It is that collective vs. individual dilemma that plagues the U.S. Congress; people often love their individual representative but hate Congress as a whole.

However, the idea that a split ticket is inherently better than a party-line ticket is, in my opinion, an erroneous judgment.  When you vote for legislators, you should be thinking of the party, not the individual.  The party is what controls the legislative body.  The party that wins the majority is who controls the agenda and who is going to essentially control policy.  Voting party-line means that you are voting for that specific party platform; I voted a straight Democrat ticket because I favour the Democrat's agenda over the Republican one.  Why would I give a vote to a Republican, when I prefer the policy platform of the Democrats?

Also, voting party line does not necessarily mean you are uninformed.  There have been arguments saying that "true neutral" voters are actually the worst, because they are impatient, and do not allow the right amount of time for a specific party to get things done.  Having a party label is a shortcut - they exist for a reason, and allow voters to choose between platforms.


I don't know.  I've just heard this argument - along with the 'we need a third party!!!!1" declaration - a lot recently.  It irks me a little.


Don't talk politics with a political scientist.

Stupid

You know what's really idiotic?  Going through old skype messages from like...January on.  Because the rush of emotions that you felt when you first read them will all come back in full force.  Then, when that happens, you feel like a stupid moron for allowing yourself to still get so upset, and also just for the idea that you miss stuff way more than you should.

And it will reinforce your wish that something bad would happen to you, and your belief that something bad should happen to you.


I have a headache.

I am having trouble finding the motivation to do any of my work today.  It's been like this all weekend, unfortunately.  At least I went food shopping yesterday.  Not that I want to eat anything.  I should, but...my stomach is bothering me.  No surprise there.

I wrote out a list, posted it on here, and then moved it to my private journal.  Why I'm saying this, I have no idea.

Bah, I just want to sleep all day.


Sometimes I hate being left all by myself.  When I'm with friends, I at least have distractions from my own poisonous thoughts.

I realize I'm being emo as fuck.  It's probably annoying. 

I got a text a few minutes ago from Carl, but the time I received it made me originally think it might have been him.

And I hate that I was sad when it wasn't.  Even though he's doing what I said.

fjdiksjds

No matter what, I'm sad about this.  At this rate, it has become more of a thing I just live with rather than something to overcome.

All I want is a day where he doesn't cross my mind.  Sadly, I doubt that will ever happen.

Sickish

I woke up today not feeling very well, most likely due to the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.  Also, I realize I busted my ankle worse than I thought: I probably did not care at the time it happened because I was drunk, but it was heavily swollen when I woke up today and kind of hurts.  I'm sure it'll be fine, but it is still annoying right now.

Yesterday was supposed to be low-key; we originally said we weren't going to stay out and it was going to be just one or two drinks.  Cue us going to a bar with the rest of our cohort after Denny's (in which some...uncomfortable things happened), and then to another bar to kill a tower of Long Island Iced Tea.  Which was even stronger than the last one we had gotten.  For some reason, we had reasoned that "one tower wasn't going to kill us" or even get us that drunk.  Why we thought that made sense, I have no idea.  It was then where I said I was an anime fan and Brendan got so happy because he also loves it and didn't think I did.  Cue both of us nerdily geeking out and talking about shows and shit all night.  I told him he could come to Otakon too, if he wanted.  Which would be awesome.  After that bar, we went to this gay club/bar, where more drinks were had and lots of dancing occurred.  Someone commented how awesome my two belts were too, and that I apparently rocked them really well.  I appreciated that.

I ended up not going to bed until around four in the morning, and woke up around 10:30, not wanting to do anything.  Our original plan was to go out tonight but that's...not happening.  I took a nap, and was supposed to go to Wegman's but fuck I really have no energy or desire to leave my apartment, despite how much I need to do laundry and how much I need to go food shopping.

Luckily, I did catch my professor after the workshops today, and he really likes my idea for my research proposal.  I want to look at the filibuster, and how it was used back in the 50s/60s - where it was actually used rather than just threatened - versus now, where a threat to filibuster can push a bill out of the way.  He advised me to take a look at productivity as my dependent variable; I originally wanted to talk about bluffs, but he reassured me of the difficulty of measuring that empirically.  So, I think I'll look at percentages - how much can the Senate pass bills from the House, or something like that.

The idea is there, at least, so I can spend some time this weekend working on that.  Not tonight, I don't think; tonight I am going to just read and try to finish or get mostly through one of the three (four?  I'm not sure about this last one) books that I need to have read for next week.

Thanksgiving break is going to be amazing.  Carl and Brendan are carpooling down to the Island with me, and I am far too excited about the actual trip down.  Plus, I think they're both liking World/Inferno, so concert may indeed happen.  I'm going to ask them if there is any music they want for the car ride!  (We haven't established who exactly is driving, but I think I'm going to volunteer, since I'm further east than Brendan, and also because my car might need something looked at.)

I downloaded Codes and Keys, and I'm really enjoying it so far.  I'm thinking I'll also get Benjamin Gibbard's solo album.  Hell, I just want all the music.  It's odd; I've never had a music phase last this long before.


[Edit] - Because I forgot to talk about this and I kind of want to.  My eating habits have gotten horrendous once again, and this is something I have talked about a lot with my counselor.  I realized that when I eat with friends, rather than alone, I'm more likely to actually eat, and eat a normal amount rather than a more minuscule portion (which would be fine if it usually wasn't the only thing I have eaten all day).  So I've been advised to eat not only things that I really like, but to eat with friends as much as possible.  

I don't mind that.

I was also told I should look at pictures of really good food or watch the food network (or some cooking show, since I don't have cable) to try and get my appetite up.  She also told me that I might want to get help from the health center in constructing some sort of plan; it's an option available to me, and I can take it if I so choose.  I'm just afraid of that becoming a necessity rather than an option.

Friends

So I may not have a guy in my life right now that I can cuddle with or anything like that, but I do have my two boys who will back me up and go out with me and get drunk with me and go to Denny's to eat and everything like that.  And honestly, that is all I need right now.  Actually, it is better than anything I could have imagined when I was first moving up here.

I love them.  Even though I have not known them for very long.  They have quickly landed and secured spots among my best and most trusted friends.

Also I found out today Brendan is an anime fan.  Holy fucking shit that is amazing.  We're making plans to convert Carl.


I adore them.

Slightly tipsy still, which means a more detailed post might happen tomorrow.

Cosplay

Earlier today I sent a message to this props place which did the armour set and sword for a Clare (Claymore) cosplayer, asking for a quote.  I've been thinking about it, and not only did the armour and sword come out looking amazing, I...really do not have the time or the skill to make Teresa's stuff myself.  I know I had people tell me that they would help me out, but I feel sort of bad having my friends and sister do so much for me when they're also trying to get their costumes done, simply because I suck at the crafts thing and I have no time to do it myself.  So, I figure going to a professional and paying them would relieve the stress for me and for others.  Of course, this is just the armour set and the sword, so I'll need to complete the rest of the costume myself or have someone else also take care of that, but it's the bulk of the costume.

Already planning for Otakon 2013.  I'm really excited for it, since I had to miss it this year.

Teresa is who I am planning on going as, as of now.  It might depend on if this commission thing comes through for me, though.  Presently, I do not have a backup, but I might want to think of someone else just in case.


The Youth and Government director for judicial asked me to head somewhere in less than two weeks to help teach the justices cases this year.  I emailed back saying I wanted to, but am hesitant, because I barely have time to do anything recreational, let alone tackling the four/five cases and teaching them.  I just don't know if I'll have the time to learn everything.

Happier Thoughts

This entry will have nothing to do with the election and is a return to my thoughts on him and I and our relationship, which I'm sure is getting annoying.  However - probably due to this post-election high and an entire night with friends - I'm actually in an oddly peaceful and...almost optimistic mindset.  So, I want to write down these thoughts now so I can return to them in the future when I'm feeling unbelievably sad and lonely.  Maybe I can calm and comfort my future self at some points.

So, future self, I really do hope these thoughts serve to help you feel better about this situation.  Because I do not want you to be sad.

Although no contact is not something I have wanted to do and is something I wished to avoid, it is probably best for multiple reasons.  Especially to get back on my own two feet.  No contact will probably not make me stop thinking of him, and I cannot imagine it will make me stop missing him, but it might make things at least a little easier.

I think I wanted to avoid no contact because more than anything I wanted to bring the romantic relationship we had back to life.  But no matter what, that relationship is gone.  There is no returning to it, no matter what happens in the future.  Even if we end up trying again at some point in later years and have the future I previously wanted - which is not something that is necessarily going to happen or anything like that - it still doesn't mean that our old relationship would have been revived.  It cannot be resurrected.  It would be something new.

And a chance at something new cannot happen unless I truly accept the death of the old.

So, while I'm still mourning the old relationship, there is no hope for the birth of something new.  And that new thing doesn't need to be a romantic relationship; a friendship is also something new.  And the reason a friendship was feeling hollow was because the memories of the old relationship were still haunting my mind.  And they continue to do so.  So although no contact sucks, those memories need to stop making me feel so sad all the time.

I'd like to be able to think about the old and smile at the memories, rather than wish they did not happen.

If he and I are truly meant to be together, and are truly meant to have the future I so desperately wanted, then we will find each other again.  And I know that is probably a naiive mindset.  But I can't help but - right now, anyway - believe in it.  I have been told multiple times that "if it is meant to be, it'll be."  I have been trying to resurrect something too soon.  Rather than accept this mentality, and allowing the pieces to fall as they may, to use a cliché, I just wanted to take the reigns and do the impossible.  I wanted to make something happen that wasn't going to happen at that time.  And like I said, any chance at something in the future will not be able to occur unless I can walk away from the grave of our previous relationship.

The future is not set in stone; anything is possible.  Do not forget that.

We will find each other again, if that is what is meant to happen.  I've said this before, but I do not plan and I hope to never settle for anyone who does not make me feel as strongly as he did.  And that is not technically waiting for him, or anything.  That is just me refusing to settle for second best.  Right now, he still has the number one spot in my mind and heart, in terms of that.  I become sad about us because of how strongly I feel and felt about him.  I become sad because all I wanted was for us to be by each others' sides for longer than we were.  That's not exactly a terrible thing, is it?

If someone comes along and knocks him out of that spot he has, then I will try to overcome any fears I have and try something with them.

But if no one comes along, I will not settle for second place.  Even if he is not around, or I do not hold the same spot in his mind.

And actually...that is fine.

If we remain number one for each other, then I do certainly hope that our previous breakup will not deter us from trying again at some point.  And I know this is the opposite of what I said yesterday, where I felt like going no contact meant losing him forever.  But again...I'm in a better place mentally right now than I was yesterday.  So it is easier to think these things, which probably make a little more sense and are not as absolute as what I was claiming.

All I need to remember is what I said: if we are meant to be together, then we will find each other in the future.

And while that mentality is hard to hang on to at points, I really need to try and believe it.

Because more than anything, it will make me happier.

Mr. President, the love you have for your wife is adorable and wonderful, and you both are one of the best couples I've ever seen.

And yes, we all fucking adore her as well.


Also, this night is historic and awesome.  Gay marriage legalized in a few more states.  Marijuana legalized in Colorado.  And the possibility of Puerto Rico becoming a state.

I'm proud of you, America.

Obama!

NBC just declared that Obama won a second term.

Gonna wait around for Romney's speech.  But, this is fantastic news!

ELECTION NIGHT IS SO STRESSFUL.

And yet I love it.  I really kind of needed this.  To focus on something I love and try to not think about all the other stuff in my life that is making me sad and stressed.

Though focusing on the election is making me further procrastinate on my work.  I have an introduction written out and nothing else.  Because I can't focus.

Also, I have to say, the third party enthusiasts right now are the most annoying people.  Getting 5% of the vote for Johnson will not make a third party become electorally competitive.  A third party will not emerge as long as we have a plurality system of electoral rules.  Duverger's Law.  Look that shit up.

PEOPLE ARE WRONG ON THE INTERNET.  And I cannot stand for this!

Election night

So, rather than go home and work on my reaction paper, I decided that I was going to hang with Brendan and Carl at Brendan's place to watch election coverage.  I'm still going to obviously write the paper (and try to do it while watching the coverage), but I really wanted to pay attention to the election and everything.  Luckily, I think I have a working idea for my reaction paper, despite that it is probably awful and I'm not...entirely sure where I want to go with it.  I just want to write something worth reading.

As of now, I just got here, so I'm not sure if any states have started coming in, but they will be soon if they haven't started already, most likely.

It will either be a night of celebration, or a night of mourning.  Hopefully the former.

I'll probably post more later about the election aha.  Unless I'm too busy.


Speaking of, libertarians on my facebook feed are getting annoying.  Mostly because none of them know about Duverger's law and the fact that the way we vote doesn't really influence whether or not we'll have a competitive third party.  It is all about electoral rules.  Jesus fuck.

Woke up not feeling well.  I'm not surprised by this.

I'm still going to go to class, but honestly I'd rather just keep sleeping all day.

Bah.  Emo, I am being.


Also it is election day.  Remember to vote.

No Contact

So it was decided that we should try to stop talking to each other.  And while I know this is best in my head, I still feel like I'm going to throw up and I just want to punch all the walls in my room.

Despite what he says, I feel like this is it.  I don't trust a word he says, because I did once before, and I ended up getting dumped, and spent at least a month in shock because it came as such a surprise to me.  I cannot and will not unconditionally trust him again anytime soon, if at all.  When I told him that I decided to protect myself with a more pessimistic mindset about all of this (I don't remember my exact words) he sort of chuckled and remarked that doing that is very...me.  In character.

I understand that those conversations suck, but I still hate feeling like I'm being a huge bother, and despite him saying that I was not inconveniencing him, he just seemed very impatient.  So much so that I ended up making a decision tonight so as to not cause him further trouble with another conversation two days from now.  Whether or not that was the right thing to do, I really do not know.  But...if this makes sense, I became frustrated with his frustration, and sort of just decided that it would probably be better to not delay this anymore.

Truthfully, I don't want to do this.  I really do not.  But at the same time, my ideal alternative is the resurrection of what we used to have, which is impossible, at least at this moment in time and perhaps forever.  This friendship thing right now feels like a shell of what we were and how close we used to be.  A fear of mine is that it will always feel like that.  That for him, it will be sufficient, but for me, it never will be.  Because under those circumstances, I'm always going to feel sad.

My dad once told me that he believed that I will only really get over him - or over him as much as I could - when I find someone else.  He said he hated saying that, but the rate I was going, it made sense.  And unfortunately, it still does make sense.  Problem is that I both want to and not want to find someone else.  And I refuse to settle for someone who did not make me feel as strongly as he did.  I just do not know if that is possible at the moment.

Once, I said that I did not want someone taking my place.  I did not want him to feel stronger towards someone than he does/did towards me.  That is still true, unfortunately.  That is selfish of me.  I'm completely aware of how awful that must make me seem, but it is the truth.

I just miss what we were.  I wish I could go back in time.  I want those feelings I had a year ago back.  But I know I'm never going to be able to have them back.  I hate facing that reality.  I like those dreams where we're together and happy and everything is okay.  I love those.

I hate this.  I hate that I still want to be with him.  I hate that I still love him.  I hate that I miss him as terribly as I do.  I hate that it came to this, and that all I thought was going to happen when we were together was a stupid fantasy.


I feel like I'm going to throw up.

Korra

I've been re-watching the Legend of Korra instead of doing my work.  I'm up to episode 10, and I do think that going through the episodes more quickly actually is better for the series than waiting a week in between episodes.  Also, older Aang is a badass.

But, I really do need to read the articles for Wednesday, especially since I need to write a reaction paper this week also.  I have no idea what possessed me to choose Party Systems as a theme I would want to write on, but alas, it is too late for me to change now.  If I cannot write the entire thing tonight, I want to at least come up with some outline, because election day is tomorrow and I'm going to want to be spending the night elsewhere watching the coverage and all that.


Conversation is supposed to happen tonight, but I'm not holding my breath that it definitely will.  I still am not sure exactly what I want to do or say.  I'm almost beyond the point of caring, except that's not really true at all.  I just want to be.


Maybe I'll read an article and reward myself with more Korra.


Oh, and I need to remember to burn World/Inferno cds for Carl and Brendan.  We're also going to carpool down to the Island come Thanksgiving break.  I'm far too excited for that trip down.  It'll be nice having company!

IR Reaction Paper

My parents left after we ate breakfast, and because I had gotten up early (despite daylight savings ending), I was too tired for a while to be motivated to do any sort of work.  So, after watching some episodes of the Legend of Korra and skyping with Anisha for about an hour and a half, I got started at around 2 in the afternoon.

Please don't mind, but this post will be notes for me, since I want to finish the rest of the readings for tomorrow before starting up on this reaction paper.

There was one article which argued that when the United States intervenes in other nations with the use of military force, and goes there promoting democracy (and not just claiming to promote it, but actually taking steps to promote it), that invaded nation has a better chance of becoming democratic and staying democratic.  Now, while I really don't believe this is as much the case as the author claims, I don't have the statistical background to attack the empirical evidence.  (Why can't you fools use calculus or differential equations or something!  Bah.)

Thus, I think my reaction paper is going to go in this sort of direction: if we assume that the author's theory is 100% true, it is still a very dangerous mode of thinking.  With this evidence and claim, leaders in the U.S. can begin to authorize further military interventions for the purpose of democratization.  Now, this is pseudo-imperialistic (and I might be generous in saying that) and therefore, the people of the U.S. would be paying the costs, for the most part.  Another author argued that imperialism drags Parliament's (in the U.S. case, Congress') attention away from very important domestic issues, and that is most likely what would happen if we began following a foreign policy which stressed military intervention in non-democratic regimes (that we didn't like).  (Ignore the fact that we sort have already done this in terms of Iraq.)  Therefore, in terms of just that, it is dangerous, but this theoretical policy is noxious also to our international reputation.  If we take on a greater role as the "police of the world" and spread armies thin trying to democratize across the globe, there is a high chance that people will be less than happy with us.  Besides the fact that we will be promoting our own sense of American democracy, we will be seen as encroaching on the sovereignty of other states.  It is an easy way to perhaps lose allies and make non-democratic regimes angry with us.  We can be open for more hate, and perhaps, attacks.

I believe I can argue all this, and it is a pure reaction, so I'm just hoping that this sort of thinking is what my professor is looking for in these papers.  I have not written one for World yet, so...one can only hope.  I need to take the leap, at the very least.  I might be able to use some quotes from Hobson's book to bolster my points, also.  That should be good.


Unrelated, but my parents bought me winter-themed Oreos.  The filling is red and that makes me happier than it really should for a 22 year old.  But fuck you, they taste better when the cream is coloured.  Especially if it is red.


Also this is my 100th post!  I feel like I should put a celebratory gif but I am lazy.

Time with Parents

So, after cleaning the entire apartment basically (again pretty much by myself), my parents showed up a little after 12:30.  They actually got lost in downtown Binghamton, so I had to direct them as best I could to my apartment.

When they got here, I ran out to greet them because I'm a dork and I missed them.  Though, after initial hellos and stuff, the first thing that was said to me was how skinny I've apparently gotten.  I didn't and don't know exactly how I should feel about that.  Anyway, I took them back downtown to the Lost Dog Cafe, which was a place I went to with friends that was really good, and both my parents enjoyed it a lot.  We had to wait a little bit, since it was somewhat crowded and right around lunchtime, but it was worth it.  I want to find some more local restaurants to go to so I can take more people to them and everything.

We drove back to my apartment after hitting up a store to do some quick shopping for me.  Of course, my roommate decided that, today of all days, he was going to host his roleplaying game.  You know, after I told him my parents were coming and everything.  (Plus, he locked both locks and I have no idea why.)  I don't know.  I thought it was just inconsiderate.  (In addition, he's still playing his music kind of loudly and it's almost one in the morning.  I would not mind if only I was here, but my parents are still around and my mom's probably trying to sleep.  I figure if it continues throughout and after this movie I'm watching, I'll say something.  I usually blast my music too, but a) my music is actually good, and b) I usually turn it down considerably after midnight or so.  Plus, if he had his parents over, I would not be blasting music while they were trying to sleep.  God.  Fuck him.)

I decided to take them to my office, where we stayed for a little bit just chatting.  After, we waited a little before going to the movies, where they realized that I was not exaggerating when I said all the wonderful things I've been saying about my movie theatre.  According to them, the recliners in there are even comfier than the couches we have at home.  We saw Argo, which was actually excellent, and I recommend it entirely.  When that finished, we went out to dinner - where I had steak and it was even better than normal because I haven't had steak in a while - and then we came back!

Was able to talk to my younger sister for a few minutes on the phone, which was nice, since I haven't talked with her in a while.  After, just hung out for a little.  My mom went to bed, and my dad and I came out to watch something on Netflix.  Though...he's kind of asleep on the couch and I'm watching.  I'm not that sleepy at the moment, but I might be at the end of this.

Tomorrow they're leaving early, so I don't think I'll be able to take them to the cider mill, but that's okay.  Maybe next year!  (And maybe I'll just bring a gallon of cider home with me or something so they could at least taste it!)  On my agenda tomorrow is finishing up the world readings, writing a lesson plan for this week and catching up in the intro comparative book, and writing a reaction paper to one of the world readings.  If I get all that done with time to spare (doubtful), then I will move on to the comparative readings, since I need to write a reaction paper to those this week also.

Still hoping Carl and Brendan will accompany me to World/Inferno!  I'll ask them on Monday, so I can know if I should buy a ticket or not!

Denny's

Brendan, Carl, and I decided to go out and get food after the presentation today (or rather, after Carl finished working after the presentation), and since Brendan wanted breakfast for dinner, we had the Ihop vs Denny's debate, which ended up with a victory for Denny's because Brendan has never been there.  It ended up being delicious, though I left my box of food there on accident.  Which is really upsetting, because, fuck, there was a lot left and I could have eaten it for lunch one day!  Sadness.

Upon realizing that Carl might not be able to go home for Thanksgiving because of plane ticket problems, I immediately invited him over (which I probably should have checked with my parents about, but I'm sure they'll be fine with it).  No one should be all alone on Thanksgiving!  Plus, having a friend there would be good since it'll distract me from other people not being there this year.  And we all said that we should hang out, especially if we'll all be on the Island.  I told both of them about the World/Inferno concert in Amityville on the 23rd that I've been trying to get people to go to with me, and they both said they'd look into the music and think about it; they said it could probably be a lot of fun.  Brendan said he liked the cd when he put it on in my car, so hopefully they'll accompany me, and I'll have people to go with!

We ended up staying at Denny's for three hours.  How anyone does that is beyond me, but it was very enjoyable.


My parents should be here around noon tomorrow, and are staying here until Sunday morning/early afternoon, most likely.  I need to clean up the apartment before they get here, so I will most likely do that tonight/tomorrow right after waking up because holy hell I really do need to clean this place.


Nothing today so far.  But it is still early, technically.  We'll see.

I don't get surprised that often anymore.  I'm usually more surprised when things actually work out.  That's not really a good thing, is it?


I did finish four of the seven articles for IR for Monday, at least.  I wanted to finish the six I have printed, but my own laziness helped with that.  I do want to write a reaction paper to one of these, but fuck, as of now I have no ideas on what to write.

Plus I'm scheduled to write a comparative paper this week too.  And I need to start figuring out my paper for Methods, since the proposal for that is due in two weeks or so.  Something like that.

My friend's sister is a lawyer, so he said he'd talk to her about what I can do about the ticket I got.  I'm more nervous about the fine than anything else.  I really can't afford to pay $1000 or so for a ticket.

Welp

I've been blocked from access to a certain thing, and honestly that is probably for the best.  Though it still doesn't change my thoughts and my uncertainty and thinking about what I should do, and all that.  Honestly it makes me more uneasy right now than anything but...oh well.  Now maybe I can just start putting it out of my mind.

Conversation might happen today.  I have no idea anymore what I want to talk about.


My parents are visiting me on Saturday.  In other news, there's huge family drama that I want to just go away.  Thanksgiving might not be the same this year.