Ex-Related

When it comes to administrative stuff, I am a huge derp and need so much direction on what to do and how to go about doing it.  Obtaining funding for conferences was never explained and so I just kind of assumed that it was going to fall into my lap or something (stupid assumption, I know).  Thus, when roommate told me that because we didn't book flights through some organization, we won't be reimbursed for that, I kind of panicked.  But, I do have a different source of funding from others, which gives me more than the graduate school.  So, I emailed the previous winner of the fellowship I have, who is a fifth (fourth?) year.  And she was really helpful, so I...think I know what to do now.  Knowing me, I'll probably screw it up royally somehow.


I have this weird mixture of feelings today.  The high that I brought back with me from Ursinus is still around, but being back in Binghamton has sucked some of that away, especially considering everything I need to do that I do not want to do whatsoever.  Plus, I suppose due to many conversations over the weekend (all of which were very therapeutic for me, as I think I said), thoughts about the ex have been preoccupying my mind more than they have in a few weeks now.  It isn't making me...sad, really.  I'm just thinking.  Thinking about how, honestly, disappointed I am in him and in the person he turned out to be.  I once thought that he had the potential to be a good person, and I held onto that hope for a long time.  But given the things that I know, I really just...don't think that that is possible for him without some break that causes him to reevaluate everything.  I want to say I don't care, but that would be partially a lie.  I do.  Not only because this attributes to my increased cynicism, but also because...I don't know.  There is some personal aspect as well that I can't really describe in words.  Or maybe I just do not want to.

Yesterday night, I was explaining things to a friend of mine, and at one point, I just said that I wish he had just let me help him when we were together.  It was an exasperated declaration.  Why he didn't talk to me more, I don't know.  I thought I had established my dedication to our relationship and that I wanted to help because of my love for him and everything.  But he didn't really want my help.  And he didn't want to do anything to help our relationship, which is why we crumbled.  Our relationship no longer made him happy, apparently, but I can't imagine that his general level of happiness has changed much.  And it no longer made him happy, why?  Because of exogenous factors that were outside our control?  Probably.  He now claims that he no longer loved me (a remark that, when I mentioned it to his frat brothers, was met with skeptical and baffled expressions), and that may be true.  But it might also not be.  He fought so hard to keep me in his life and he told me he still loved me after we broke up, and then constantly told me how much he missed me.  Maybe I just don't want the "I was no longer in love" explanation to be true, and so I am creating my own reality, but it doesn't make much sense to me.

It was also mentioned to me over the weekend that people who did not even really know us could easily recognize the discrepancy between what he and I each did to work on our relationship.  That someone who was going through hard times with his partner did not want to be like the ex, because it was so obvious that things were one-sided.  That instead of working on our relationship with me, he just played games and ignored it.  He claims that isn't the case...that he did really try, but I still have my doubts about that.  How could I believe that he tried when he spent so much time ignoring me?  I couldn't save our relationship by myself.  If he really was trying, then he could not save it by himself either.  And maybe he just realized that our relationship wasn't as easy anymore.  And that isn't to say that we fought a lot or anything.  We didn't.  We rarely did, honestly.  We did a lot of fun things and I thought he liked doing them with me (at least before he just started diving completely into fighting games).  Which is again, why his decision was so sudden to me and apparently to everyone else.  But the honeymoon seemed to be over.  It is a natural progression in all relationships I have seen.  And because it was no longer very easy, he just let it crumble with no attempt to keep it from doing so.  Maybe it was harder because grad school pressures were coming up.  Maybe it was harder because of pressures from his family.  Maybe it was harder because I was no longer on campus.  And maybe it was just harder because of our individual depressions (which I was still in constant denial about, and so I turned all my attention on him in order to turn away from my own personal problems).  Probably, all of these things had an effect.  But those exogenous factors were attributed to our relationship, which was really unfair.

Then, instead of doing what he said he was going to do after breaking up with me - which was focus on himself and be truly single and alone to work on his own issues - he proceeded to hurt more people who cared about him, for no reason.  He continued to string me along, and then wondered why I wasn't over him before the year ended.  He lied to me and to the others who loved him, to save himself.  While he maintains that he had no emotional connection and everything during the time after our breakup, I know that that is not true.  Or, if it is, then he blatantly lied to someone who was too good for his time.  He either lied to her or to me.  Most likely, he lied to both of us.    

I had hoped, at the very least, that he would at least have learned and grown from our experience.  But, from things I have been told and things I have seen...he has gone backwards.  Which is disappointing, but unsurprising.


Maybe I'll talk more about this later or something.  It is really prevalent on my mind today.

Also, this accurately captures my reaction to the Phi Kaps winning airband yet again (even though I definitely didn't think they deserved it): 

I got back to Binghamton around 2 hours ago, because a) I didn't want to leave UC, and b) there was a blizzard of some sort I had to drive through so I spent a good chunk of time going 40-45 in a 65 zone.  

Friend said we should make a tradition that we go to Red Robin when I go down/when we get together and I am so down for that.  Two of her friends joined us today and I hope I wasn't annoying with how much I was talking.  ...I hope I wasn't annoying for the whole weekend since I was talking a lot, honestly aha.  I was just really excited, but I know that I don't realize if I'm just going on a lot or repeating things.  Which I do more often than I should. 

Then she indulged my desire for Dairy Queen ice cream, which I appreciated a lot a lot.  It was so good and I miss DQ more than I probably should.  

We swapped stories about ex (which honestly turns into me word-vomiting all over the place because I am a poopface and start rambling) and I felt bad because sads surfaced and stuff.  

Also all her friends are awesome and everything, and I'm glad I got to meet so many of them.  The whole thing did make me miss undergrad terribly, truthfully.  I don't think I did nearly as much as I should, fun-wise.  I got sucked into work, similar to how I am right now.  Though right now I don't have a choice and all. 

But I can't wait to go again next month.  Karen will be home, and more reunions will occur, and people will meet Callie and hopefully things won't be so terrible. 

Reunion

So...I'm pretty sure that coming down to UC and ignoring my work for a weekend was the best thing I could have done for myself right now. Reuniting with friends and watching performances and actually feeling really good just being away from Binghamton is awesome. Hopefully I'll return at least a little bit more motivated than I have been lately.

When friend told me that she asked if ex was going to be here and he said no, I was actually really able to relax, since I was kind of anxious about that possible meeting. But it was great to not have to think about that encounter, and I was able to go to his old house without fear of running into him.

Airband performances were fantastic, though I think it was unfair that one group didn't get anything meanwhile everyone else won an award. I thought that was kind of shitty on the judges' part. And the frat that always wins won again, even though I honestly didn't think they deserved it this year. They pretty much do the same type of routine every year (the whole us vs. them thing), but I guess if it is a formula that works they have no incentive to change it.

After the performance I was able to chat with old friends from my year for a bit, which was really nice. It is always good to catch up. Oh, and friend and I jumped on stage to dance around with a sound (I think sound? Maybe lighting. Something technical) guy because we wanted to. And it was awesome.

Went to a house that I didn't even know existed and hung out with some people for a while, which was fun and nice. We were swapping stories with each other and geeking about games and shows and other cool things (friend made this really awesome thing for a scholarship she is trying for and I think it is such a good idea and I hope she wins).

After, I wanted to go to Omnomwake (real name Omwake), and friend was sleepy and not feeling very well so she went off to sleep a bit while I saw some other people and got to talk some more with people who graduated with me and everything. A guy who was close friends with the ex and I and his girlfriend were there and we were all dancing around stupidly and talking about grad school and our pets and I'm hoping they'll go to Otakon this year because it'd be great to see them there again.

Then I started talking with two other Phi Kaps from my year, who actually shared a suite with ex when we were over for fellows in the summer between junior and senior year. They let me tell them some things, which was actually super therapeutic for me. Then, they both said that they didn't understand why he broke up with me and that it was really unexpected and stupid. And that felt...awesome. That they pretty much asked the same questions I had and have been asking since we broke up. They said basically that it was really volatile and that it was messed up, especially the way it was done. And then I told them some stuff about post-breakup and they were kind of shocked about things I said. But the best thing, really, was hearing that they didn't understand why he did that and that it was stupid, and they kind of said it with this in the context of me being good to and for him and that he went pretty much from wanting to be with me one minute to not wanting to the next.

Hearing that from people who probably were closer to him than they were to me was really sweet. Because it tells me that even his friends thought what he did and how he did it and what he did after was fucked up.

And not gonna lie (this is going to head into tmi territory), we started talking about that summer and how they were next to ex and I and heard...many many things. I was embarrassed but we were all laughing, and then one of them said that he heard a lot. And by that he said he meant that he heard I had a seemingly rare talent when it comes to a certain thing and that I was really good and I kind of took pride in that. Don't ask me why. And then I got high fives. Go me and that I'm awesome at least at that. Aha.

But yeah, it has just been awesome getting out of Binghamton, even if it only going to be for a short time. I will be back here next month too, so that is exciting! It really has been good. I'm glad I came down.

Okay, after getting distracted from a conversation that went from Callie refusing to do any command other than down and rolling on her back for belly rubs (probably because she is so starved for attention since I've been working and that is just so hard for her to deal with), to institutional racism/sexism/etc. and respecting vs. not respecting people's opinions (with me being towards the latter when that opinion systematically harms others), to nostalgia about snacks from the past including Cheez Doodle Heads, crispy M&Ms, and Dunkaroos...I think I am finally done with this thing, minus an editing runthrough.  Which is so desperately needed because I feel like this paper is a bunch of shit and isn't even written very well.

Mehhh.

My original plan was to get out of here by 3 but it might end up being closer to 3:30 or 4.  Sob.  Either way I'll still make it down in time for performance but I just wanted to be gone sooner rather than later.

Holy shit I slept terribly and am thus super fucking tired still.  Which is fantastic for me, considering I am driving today and need to write a paper today before going down and then have enough energy to not be a loser when I'm hanging with people.

It might be because of the caffeine I ingested last night, or it might be subconscious worry and stress.  Or it might just be those damn birds.  Why must they chirp so early in the morning right next to my window?  Whyyyyyy.

Okay, I should try to get to work, despite sleepiness, if I want to finish this thing in a reasonable amount of time so I can head down this afternoon.  Wheeeee.

Machine

OH MY GOD I can't focus.

I probably should go to bed or something.  But I wanted to write some of this paper so that I'm not rushing to finish it tomorrow so that I can get down to UC before too late o'clock.  But I really really can't focus for shit right now.  I keep going back to tumblr and hoping my dash has more shit to distract me.

Luckily, I...think I know where I want to go with this.  It is more a matter of just writing it down.  Truthfully I'm not sure if what I want to argue makes sense, since the topic is really heavily focused on elections to the European Parliament, and that is outside my normal areas.

Though I am 99% sure that grad school has at least enhanced my bullshitting ability.  I'm pretty sure I have said that before, but I will reiterate it because I really do think it is true.

I just don't want to write it right now but I doubt I'll want to write it tomorrow either so I should try to do some of it now because there is no way any of it is getting done once I leave for PA.


One of my roommates mentioned that if I tried to take a leave of absence next semester, I would miss the Maximum Likelihood class, which is super fucking important.  I was only really thinking about the Comprehensive Exam, and I forgot about that, but shit...that might be more important.  I need to know more statistical models than just OLS and logit/probit.  Though my affinity for interaction models is pretty unique, apparently.

But yeah...that kind of sucked to hear.  I might be able to swing a leave of absence after next semester, but shit...next semester is when I feel as though I would need it.

I'm trying to remember what Nancy said to me: "Your life is not a schedule."

It is hard...since she is the only one who says that.  Everyone else reminds me of the clock that is ticking and the lack of stuff I have produced and what I need to get done and when.  If she hadn't said that, I probably would have hesitated more about going down tomorrow.  But she told me that my life is more important than my work.  And that if I get things in late...it didn't matter.  Because I did something for myself, and not for work.  Not for school.  Not for others.

Lately, I do feel like she is one of the few people who see me as a human being, and not a robot which is expected to crank out work and never do anything else.  And I'm including myself, since I just...think of myself as a machine that is malfunctioning.  I am supposed to do this and that; everyone likes to remind me.  I'm supposed to not have a balanced life (not that I ever really did...).  I'm supposed to spend my weekends working.  All of them.  I'm supposed to go into debt going to conferences and the like.  I'm supposed to live and breathe graduate school.

My many many many years of dedication to work has turned on me, in a way.  Perhaps all those years have exhausted me.  I've been described as a person who was "too quick to grow up," and I really do think that is true.  I spent no time, really, doing anything majorly fun.  I went to another continent, which was awesome, but I spent my time there doing work and auditing a class from UC through Skype, when I should/could have been exploring London more.  I've gone on family vacations, which are always awesome, but they last a week at best usually.  Otakon?  Four days.  Concerts last one night, for the most part.

I have never deviated from the schedule.  From what I am supposed to be doing.

But I am so fucking tired.  I don't want to be.  I just am.

It doesn't help that when I really was trying harder (though to be fair...I do honestly think what I have done lately is the best I can do at the moment, due to bad thoughts and mental exhaustion), I was constantly reminded that it wasn't enough.  Nothing was ever enough.  There was always more.  There is always more.  There is always more and you are a failure if you are not trying to do more.

And so I have come to almost accept myself as a failure.

I stare at my professors with vacant expressions and dulled eyes now.  Because I know that nothing I do will be good enough.  Nothing I do will be enough.

Those thoughts mix with other areas of my life.  Nothing I did was enough to save my ex's love for me.  He just stopped most likely because I suck at everything and there are way more interesting people than me.  That's why he was able to get with others so quickly.  I am a shit friend who can't even come up with the courage to talk to people about this.  I don't want to.  I don't want help.  I am weak, but do not want to be perceived as weak.  I don't even have other talents that people can claim and love.  Hell, even things I once had passions for have become dulled and gray.

Concerts have been my release, and I haven't been able to go to one since November.  Luckily, World/Inferno is playing in Brooklyn on the 19th, so I am planning on swinging by there.

I am hoping that tomorrow I can just...have fun.  I want to not think about the work I am blowing off, and not think about all the crap I need to do but don't care about doing.  I just want to go and hang out with friends and maybe dance and party or whatever people want to do.  I'll try my best to stay away from alcohol only because my meds and it don't mesh well (the new stuff plus a lot of alcohol might cause a seizure so yay), and because no matter what situation I'm in, sad feels dominate when I get drunk.  But that means if other people want to drink and eventually want to go anywhere, I shall be designated driver!  I used to hate that, but now I really don't mind at all.  Actually, I kind of like it.  It makes me feel useful since I've abstained from alcohol (with some exceptions) for over a year.

...Wow this is longer than I meant it to be.

I really just want to leave this place for a bit.

I want to remind myself that I am not a machine, no matter what people say.  No matter how I see myself.  I want to fight that...even if it is really goddamn difficult.

So I have one more reading to do, and I had a craving.  For these things:

Roommates keep telling me that the first step is admitting I have a problem.

I DO NOT.

I just.  Really like them.

And get cravings.

To the point that when we're out I need to delay work to go get more.

Psh, I don't have a problem.


Also I keep daydreaming about what it would be like to be in a band as the lead singer but lawlz that'll never happen.  But I guess it is still fun to think about.

My workshop went decently, I think.  I hope.  People told me I did a good job but when I'm up there I usually feel as though I'm getting the "you're a fucking idiot"-type stares and that kind of blows.  Even though I know that people are especially brutal in questions during workshops as a way to prepare people for the job market and for conferences.  But still.

Luckily though, I wasn't really too too nervous or anything.  Not how I normally would get.  I guess there is at least that one positive thing about apathy kind of taking over my life.

I did get a lot of good feedback, and people did remark how this idea that I have has so many moving parts, and that I will probably need to go from macro- to micro-level data and analyses.  Which, honestly, I kind of figured even before I started this.  There are too many things at work here to explain this possible relationship using Congress (/each chamber) in the aggregate.


I would like to read the rest of Monday's articles and get a draft or something close to it of a reaction paper done tonight, so I could just edit and stuff before I head down to UC tomorrow.  Someone suggested I get work done while down there and I kind of scoffed because hell no.  I'm going down to PA to actually have fun for once, not to just relocate to do more work.

Does this mean I'll probably not have the front-end of my IR paper done by Monday, when it is supposed to be turned in by?  Yeah.  Do I care?  Not right now, nope.

Man, my thoughts are really preoccupied this morning.  Meanwhile, I have to do a presentation in about...2 hours on a paper that I haven't looked at in a while.  

I really do need to go over this again.  The IR crowd is usually pickier than the American/Comparative crowd, and since it is not the last day of the semester, there will most likely be more people than there was at my last workshop.  But, since this is all my own data and everything, and is a topic I really like, hopefully I won't stumble as much as I did last time.  ...Hopefully.  We'll see.  

Though I don't feel super nervous yet...only in name, I guess.  Maybe that has to do with, again, the whole few emotions thing. 

...This was going to be longer.  But I should go over this.

I would love to blast Diablo Swing Orchestra in my office or something sometime, but I know the operatic vocals would probably cause me to get many a strange look.

I feel as though all I'm listening to lately are these guys and the Menzingers and I have no regrets about that.

Also this presentation is hilarious.  And by hilarious, I mean awful.

...I should eat.  Maybe I'll make grilled cheeses.

Om nom nom.

Presenting in the IR workshop tomorrow and I kind of really don't want to because a) I have not worked on this damn paper since I submitted it for class last semester, and b) I just don't care enough to go over everything in detail and will probably fuck up when people ask me things tomorrow.  Even though this paper is my Congress in foreign policy paper and so is actually one I am excited about overall.  I do not have any sort of significant results, so hopefully I'll just be able to get pointers and revisit ideas that some of my professors went over with me when I actually talked to them.  You know, when I was not so apathetic.

Really, I would be better if I could just focus on this stuff.  Things that actually fascinate me and are actually interesting to me.  Instead I spend so much time doing things I just don't care about.  And having to focus so much energy on that shit makes me not want to return to the things I like.

I still have no idea if I'll be able to get away with writing that representation-type paper for my IR class, and I need to actually start my judicial paper, and I need to think of something for my Comparative class.  You know, because I am so fucking good at coming up with ideas and shit.

I've been debating something: when I come back from Chicago, there is a week of classes before spring break (fucking finally).  Part of me has been contemplating just taking that week off, and not going back to Bing when I get back to the Island.  But I'd then miss agility with Callie and I honestly do not want to miss that two weeks in a row.  Plus I kind of need to go to class on Wednesday because it is my week to be the 'peer reviewer' and that is also the domestic politics in IR week and that shit is pretty much my jam now.  Ahhhh poop.  Maybe I'll just skip Monday or something.

Funny, my judicial politics prof went on and on about how we should be working nonstop this weekend and I kind of snorted under my breath because fuck that I'm going to UC to hang with people and actually have fucking fun for once.

Questions

Question I want to ask in terms of professionalization: How is it possible to try and change the entire way the discipline (/academia in general) treats its graduate students and non-tenured faculty in terms of addressing mental illness?

Okay, maybe that isn't a professionalization question so much as a personal one.

How do I stay interested in a subject I know I love but I am starting to hate because grad school is sucking my soul?

Maybe I should go with what else we can do besides academia?

...I want to ask a bunch of things but I am going to get mad if I hear the stupid "well suck it up because it is grad school" response again.  There is "sucking it up" and there is blatant ignoring or dismissal of real problems that grad school exacerbates dramatically, with no real attempt to address or support students with those issues.

...Perhaps I should ask about leaves of absence.  Since I'm debating that.

Roommate told me that a professor commented on how frazzled I apparently have looked when he was in the office today.  Then, when roommate conveyed to him all the shit that I have to do and everything, he apparently smiled and said, "that's grad school."

And that reaction from all the professors is a reason why a) I don't talk about this to professors, and b) I'm even more fucked up than otherwise.

And that reaction is a reason why the idea of asking for a medical leave of absence is actually horrifying.  Because I'm supposed to be able to do this.  My misery is accepted and laughed about, like it is not as big of a deal as it should be.  The idea of graduate students with depression or anxiety is accepted, instead of recognized as issues that should be addressed.  If I went in and expressed everything that goes on in my head to my professors, they would probably shrug and say that this is what I signed on for.  That this is just how it is and that everyone is suffering and that it sucks but it is necessary.

To me, that shouldn't be the reaction, but...I know it is.  Which is why I just tell them I'm doing okay or that I'm "just tired" when they ask me how I'm doing.


I started reading something for Monday and I fell asleep with my laptop open and while still sitting up.  Great.

The only problem with letting Callie play with Lewis on a super cold and windy day is that even after an hours of being under blankets and laptop, I am still super cold.  Particularly, my legs are.  Wahhh.

But the pups had fun and I care more about that.


I'm trying to force myself to do some more work, so that I can get some more things done before UC on Saturday.  It may or may not work.

Poster

Finished my poster for Midwest, but I still need to get it printed and it is fucking expensive.  I know I'm getting reimbursed and everything but...seriously.  Why is it so much money.

Not going to lie, I kind of hope no one really is interested in my stuff, just because this paper is in an area I'm not familiar with, and the time I should have spent working on it I instead spent playing D3 or watching tv or dicking around on the internet or doing the seemingly neverending list of readings for my other classes or just kind of staring at walls and blanking out in my bed.  Because that happens a lot more than it probably should.

But at least it is done minus the printing aspect?  I mean, it probably isn't very good but I don't care all that much.  This won't be an area I want to go into.


Yesterday one of my old profs had a nice discussion with me about my angry facebook status concerning street harassment and the importance of gender/women's studies.  He asked me what I meant by that and I told him, and I explained that - despite his argument that those classes may cause niches and that is what he is afraid of; he would instead like it more if we included more aspects of women's history and the like into our regular courses - these types of classes point to a very important issue that permeates schools and society.  That most subjects are predominantly white, male, heterosexual, and cisgendered, and then when people call for the introduction of discussions about people other than that group, things get all unnecessarily heated.  Because a bunch of white dudes will talk over everyone else and so it is frustrating.  So these niche classes, if you will, are needed.  Hopefully one day they won't be, because women and men and PoC and LGBTQ* and the like will all have equal representation in the classes we teach.  But that is likely not going to happen anytime soon.

But it was an interesting topic to discuss with him.


Hopefully getting one thing done today will not deter me from doing other shit I need to get done.  Hopefully.
But there is always Diablo.  And Act V is fucking awesome so far.  Even if it is kicking my ass a bit.  I reluctantly had to downgrade the difficulty from Torment IV to Torment II and I'm still dying more than I would like.  Sob.

Broken Pieces

"You are too good for me."

"Because of you, I want to be a better person."

These two sentiments have been said to me a few times, and while I know that people mean well when they say them, they have become words that sting.  I know that people are basically telling me that I am, to them, a good person.  That in watching me, they have seen problems in how they have acted towards others or just in general, and they want to change their habits and make an effort to be a better human being.

However, these things are said to me - most of the time - after I have been hurt.  After I have been betrayed.  After I had put my trust in them and was taken advantage of.  My being crushed and sad and hurt is what made these people want to change.  At least, that is always how it seems to me.

If they follow through on those sentiments, and actually try to be better in their words and actions...it is almost as if they are taking a piece away from me.  I used to be - while still having many issues I should have addressed much earlier - more trusting, more determined, and more optimistic.  I used to see the good in people, even when others only saw bad.  With ex, I saw a person who was wonderful, just really hurt.  He was sad, but that sad didn't make him a terrible person.  It didn't make me love him any less, and it didn't make me want to leave, which was contrary to his past experiences (so he said).  Because I only saw what made him shine in my eyes.  Those dark things...they didn't matter.  I just did what I could to try and show him that.  But none of it worked.  And that trust was taken advantage of.  With friend-guy, I saw someone who was fun, while others saw someone who was arrogant.  That arrogance that I knew was self-doubt and a sense of inferiority.  And as I opened up, I saw more and more of his good side.  And then he too, hurt me terribly.  Despite that I do still talk to him, I am still upset.  Because I saw something good, and that is not what happened in reality.

Really, those are the two big examples I can think of.  There are more, but those two had the largest impacts on me in the relatively recent past.

Them saying that because of the experiences they had with me makes them want to be a better person is...not as comforting to me as I think they think (or thought) it is.  Because them having to realize they should be a better person involved hurting me.  It involved crushing a piece of me, and maybe that defeat of a person who put her trust in them is what set them on this supposed new course.  I don't know.  But if they have become better people, it is at the expense of me.  As they become better, I become less trusting.  I become bitter and angry.  I become more hurt and more depressed, trapped in my own head filled with memories of lies and deceit, and a voice telling me that I should have protected myself.  If I was a stronger person, yes, maybe that wouldn't affect me so much.  But I am not, sadly.

Their interactions with me caused them to want to be better.  My interactions with them caused me to be more cynical.

Told myself to do work.

Instead is going to play Diablo.

Eh.

I don't even care.

Leave

During my session today, I again went through the extent of my apathy with Nancy, and how that spreads to relationships, school, eating and general health, and almost everything with the exception of Callie.  She recognized the great discrepancy between how I treat Callie vs. how I treat myself, which boils down to this idea that she is worth caring for, while I am not.  That she is worth the effort, but that same effort should not be expended on me.  And she seemed more concerned when I again said how if I collapsed at some point due to exhaustion or I just snapped in terms of my already fragile mental health, that I just wouldn't really care.  And I wouldn't.

Part of me would probably embrace it, truthfully.

We went over the idea of me possibly taking a medical leave for a semester or a year to sort out my mental health and maybe go and try to do different things to see if this is really what I want to do.  That my general unhappiness might be clouding my judgment and making things even worse.

She seemed somewhat worried when I originally discussed how I was afraid of doing that, because it would ruin my schedule.  Everything in the department is on a set time limit.  And if I took any time off, that schedule would be ruined.

"Your life is not a schedule.  You are not a schedule."

I never really thought about deviating from the schedule.

But...it is an idea.  Maybe.

Maybe I have some sort of instinct, actually.

Because I am certain that I could and would sleep through, say, a super loud thunderstorm.

But hearing the noises of Callie getting sick pull me out of dreamland immediately.

Also she threw up a bunch of bone shards so I am going to hold off on that stuff and give her bully sticks and the like for a bit. Stuff that is more digestible.

Okay. Back to sleep.

Reaper of Souls

CHECK OUT MY AWESOME ANGEL WINGS YEAAAAAH.

And I'm completely aware that anyone who preordered gets these so a lot of people will have but I don't care they are so cool and yes I am a huge dork.

Also my first thought: "Tyrael...you had one job."

Despite my disappointment in the 3rd and 4th acts of this game originally, I am actually stupid excited to go through Act V.  If it is half as good as the expansion for D2 was I'll be pleased.

Street Harassment and More

I started reading articles and stuff online about street harassment and how it is an epidemic that women face and how it surrounds this culture of male entitlement.  That it reflects men who believe that they are entitled to a woman's attention and body because she is an object, not a person, to them.  And of course, the comments to all of these included guys who were whining about things being exaggerated or that the author was a feminazi who just wanted to stop guys from talking to and meeting women or that they don't know anyone who would (and that they themselves never would) do that so it must not be a big problem.

And in reading all those, I started thinking about all the times I was harassed (street or otherwise) or that a guy felt that I owed him something because of something I previously did.  I'm going to record some of the ones I remember (with deets, so this is probs gonna be a long entry), and I'm positive that I am missing more than a few:


- During my sophomore year of high school, I went to a pasta party with the school soccer team.  I wasn't very popular with them for various reasons, and my protest to the scavenger hunt they wanted to go on (because I thought it was wrong since it basically involved stealing from people in the neighbourhood) was met with eye rolls and peer pressure.  I reluctantly tagged along, but after a bit, I got separated from them, and I imagine they didn't notice or didn't care.  In an area I didn't know very well, I tried to remember the way back to the house.  I then noticed someone following me, and as my pace quickened, so did his.  I kept my cool for a bit until I turned a corner and got out of his eye for a second.  Then I sprinted away, remembering the way back probably out of fear and necessity, not looking back to see if I was still being followed.

- When I was sixteen, I was walking with my friend down the road, and some guy who must have been in his 40s or 50s pulled up next to us in his red sports car and told me how beautiful I looked.  I didn't know how to respond, so I just said thanks and kept walking.  He then asked if he could buy me a drink, and responded that "he didn't care" when I told him I was only 16.  I had to say no thank you more than a few times before he finally left.

- While working at the library, there would often be people hanging around outside, and I was stopped more than a few times with guys asking me for my number and saying how pretty I looked.  Often I put on a polite smile, even though I was scared and furious, and either told them that I: a) didn't give my number out, or b) that I was already in a relationship (a lie which was always risky because I am a shit liar).

- One time during a summer, my oldest sister and I went to the grocery store at night to get some ice cream (I think it was ice cream...).  We both were wearing mesh shorts, and she had a t-shirt while I had a tank top on.  On the way in, there were some boys who kept their eyes glued on us and were whispering about us being lesbians.  Now, I didn't care about the mischaracterization, so I ignored it while going in.  When we came out, they started shouting at us that we should give them a show and that we were hot and stuff like that.  Dee tried ignoring it, but I exploded and started screaming at them, telling them to go fuck themselves and that they were disgusting and they should stop.  They didn't.  They just laughed and kept going and threatened me.  I got in the car to be safe, but my sister needed to actively tell me to not run them over, because I sincerely was thinking about it.

- While I worked at Skechers, I would encounter countless men (most of them middle-aged) who would call me "sweetie" or "hun" or "babe," and would constantly proposition me and ask if they could take me out and if they could buy me a drink.  I couldn't respond meanly, as it would've hurt my job.  So I always was polite even though I wanted to just get away.

- At the end of sophomore year, I went to a party in Musser.  My roommate and I had gotten drunk as hell, and were having a good time.  A good-looking guy was coming on to both of us, but roommate (who was less drunk than I was, so she had better sense than I did) told him he couldn't go for both of us.  He asked her why and said that he "wanted both."  So he then focused on me, who was super close to passing out.  But then he dragged me into the bathroom and started making out with me.  I reciprocated, but then he pulled his dick out and I was very alarmed and started just telling him no because I was a virgin at the time and didn't want to.  He responded to all of my protests that he "didn't care."  Roommate had to barge in and grab me to save me.  When she did, the guy was yelling at her and me as we left to go back to our room.

- While abroad in London, I was going for a run down a very crowded street.  A girl with group of teenagers (which was comprised of both girls and boys) slapped my ass as I passed, and I stopped and turned around, shocked.  They were all laughing and she told me that I had a great ass and that she was a lesbian and just had to touch it.  Since they started surrounding me, I tried to take a polite, almost friendly approach, despite that I was actually really scared and I knew that it wouldn't help that I was an American visiting for school.  I didn't even have my phone to threaten to call the cops.  But in surrounding me, they slapped my ass a few more times, until I finally told them to stop, after which they got in my face.  I then calmed down and just said something like "I have to go."  No one helped me, and I practically sprinted back to my dorm, and I didn't even get there before I started crying.

- When I went to homecoming in 2012 (...I think it was homecoming, anyway), I was super depressed because of stuff with the ex, and I had planned on trying to pick up a certain guy who was a senior and was always really nice to me and who was also in ex's frat.  Being sad and wanting courage, I just kept drinking.  A sophomore who wanted to pledge started hitting on me, but I really was trying to get away so I could talk to senior guy.  Sophomore wouldn't let me.  Physically; he kept putting himself in between us, and if I got too far away, he would grab my arm or my hand or something.  Later, feeling nauseous and really fucking sad and thinking only about the ex and how much, in that moment, I wanted him to be with me, I sat down in the hallway and just stared at the wall like a zombie.  And that is what I was.  Drunk and sad and zombielike.  Sophomore sat next to me and kept pulling me towards him and kept putting his hand on my leg and his arm around me and made me lean my head against his.  Being the zombie I felt like, I just kind of went with it, even though I obviously was in no state to do anything.  College roommate caught this and started yelling at him, telling him that he needed to stop, because I obviously wasn't feeling well and that I didn't want this and he was taking advantage of me.  She rescued me again when she helped me up and brought me somewhere else after sophomore kept insisting that I was fine with everything.

- Often, I go to concerts on my own.  So, it has become normal for me to expect at least one guy to hit on me after he realizes that I am by myself.  And that they (and others) will take advantage of the moshing and the crowd to intentionally grab my ass or chest or something else.  I find that I give numbers out to these guys a lot mostly because I am afraid of the possible retaliation if I said no.  And then I just ignore their texts when they start messaging me.


Again, these are just some instances I've experienced.  And I know that plenty of other women have experienced much worse.  So, this idea among more than a few men that street harassment is not a big deal should think twice and really listen to women's stories instead of getting all butthurt over their oh so precious feels.

So apparently Murray needs major surgery.  Urgently.  Some of his teeth weren't coming in, so roommate took him to the dentist, and they took x-rays which showed that the canines are growing upward into his skull.  This can easily become infected and it is very serious.  The vet is calling the dental surgeon at Cornell, and trying to get Murray rushed in for surgery.  Obviously, roommate is super worried (and, of course, now I am as well), and if his insurance does not cover the surgery it can cost upwards around $10,000.  I told him that if it doesn't, we can start a fund online and see if people can help out to save the Murster (I like to give the doggies nicknames).  If it comes to that, I will reach out to some of my more tumblr-famous friends and try and get it circulating there.  And of course, put it on facebook and everything.

It is really sad, but unsurprising.  Murray was rescued from a puppy mill before roommate adopted him, and his breed seems kind of rare for the U.S. (at least this part of it).  Puppy mill dogs usually suffer from inbreeding and terrible conditions overall, and so they seem to have more health issues later on.  It is incredibly sad and is another reason why puppy mills need to be eradicated.

Hopefully everything will turn out okay.  I seriously cannot imagine going through this with Callie.  I can't.  (I keep saying that she is going to live forever and I am going to try my damnest to get her to a very very old doggie age.)  If things don't go well...there is a high probability that roommate will take the next semester off, he said.  And I said that that would be completely understandable.  It sucks even more because he is already going through a lot himself, without these issues with Murray.


Unrelated: I am apparently on fire today in terms of my questions to the group and the points I'm making.  Which is weird because I was going through some heavy self-hate before (still kind of going on, despite rocking this class), believing basically that I am a shadow of who I once was, and if my high school self saw me now, she would call me weak and pathetic and all I would want to do is apologize to her.  She would yell at me for allowing myself to fall in love and become gullible and collapse after my relationship ended.  She would be disappointed that I am still affected, and that my work goals are not as well-defined as they should be.  While I still was sad a lot in high school, I was much better.  She would ask and demand why I now can't deal with it.  That when she goes through this self-hate, she sucks it up, puts on the mask, and keeps going.  That her competitiveness and comparing herself to others is what keeps her going and keeps her sharp, whereas I fall and immediately tell myself that I am just not good enough so why even bother.

...I am sorry, younger self.  I am sorry I'm not who you wanted to be.

Photos

So I decided I wanted to try something.  

I sometimes do not realize what my resting face looks like.  How I just look when I'm just sitting around.

So I tried my best to just not pose for these, and just look the way I normally do.

Experiences and grad school have made my resting face look really tired.  And sad.  Now I understand why people sometimes will come up to me and ask me how I'm doing because I "look so exhausted" all the time.  And why some of my professors, when I mention a personal issue, sometimes seem really bent on helping as best they can.

Or maybe this is just how my resting face has always looked.  I don't know.  I know people used to think I was angry when I was just sitting around, so I guess it has gotten less intense or something.  Or maybe I'm just overthinking things, how I normally do.

Even my mom, when I was on the phone with her yesterday, claimed that I have gotten shyer as I've gotten older.  I just agreed with her, but I really wanted to correct her.  Shyness, yes...more introversion.  Also, that introversion is probably a result of increased cynicism and distrust in everyone around me.  Yet even with that distrust, there is a loneliness that I cannot shake, and no relationship in my life right now has been able to alleviate that, because I am so disconnected from everyone and feel little spark even with my closest friends.  Which is maybe why my mind still returns sometimes to my strongest connection with another person, even though I often wish I never had that.  That I haven't just gotten shyer in general; there are reasons behind that.  Plus, the accumulation of many many years of perfectionism make it difficult for me to do something I don't think I'll be good at.  But that was always kind of true, I guess.  More so now than it used to be, I guess.   

Saying I've gotten shyer is kind of...mischaracterizing the extent of how much my outlook has changed. 

The lecture for the class I TA for was cancelled again because the prof has been really sick this semester.  I'm still in the office because we are holding extra office hours instead of having class.  And then instead of my workshop this Thursday, she is going to have a makeup lecture, which is kind of awesome for me because it means I do not need to create a lesson plan for this week.  I kind of need that extra time to do papers that I have yet to start because I have no interest in starting them.

One paper that I can't get out of my head is asking whether or not international cooperation actually matters to how some countries are seen in the eyes of the U.S.  So, is there a significant difference in the amount of cooperation (as opposed to amount of conflict, which would also be included in the model) that the U.S. engages in with those nations it sees as allies (/friends) vs. with those nations it sees as enemies (/antagonistic)?  You would think yes, but at the same time, I'm starting to wonder if reputation like that is really more about the level of conflict and if they have a liberalized economy and other things, and cooperation doesn't really matter all too much.

The only problem with this idea is that my professor told me that although it was a good idea, it would be too big a project for the semester paper.  Now, that would be okay if I could think of a different topic.  But since international cooperation does fall outside my usual zone of interest (even with my recent nod towards foreign policy...since I really focus on domestic forces influencing foreign policy), this is the only thing I have been able to think of and actually be interested in.  And it is still somewhat in my area, since it focuses on the U.S.

I'm actually thinking about asking her if I can do this, but limit the number of observations.  So instead of a large-n analysis, start with something small; use two countries whose reputation in the eyes of the U.S. (leaders, not the public) has changed over x amount of time.  Maybe the U.K. and Iran?  Or Germany and China?  I don't know.  Definitely a western and a non-western nation, and a current friend and a current adversary.

Maybe I'll ask.  It really is the only thing I can think of.


Just word-vomited to one of the fifth years who stopped by to say hi to me.  Apparently the crisis I am having is one that most people have in the second year second semester.  So that is...marginally comforting, I guess.


Going to try to send my headphones back today and see what Sennheiser will do for me.  I might ask about just getting a refund so I can put that money towards the better quality ones.  If they don't, and just send back or repair these ones, that's okay too.  I just want working headphones.  I'm already sad I won't have them for trip to UC and possibly Chicago.  Sob.

I know I've said this before, but I don't really care.

I wish I felt comfortable with having one-night stands.  To just pick up a random person for a night and then part ways in the morning.  To be okay with that temporary and fleeting companionship.

But again, I know that would not be fulfilling both emotionally and sexually for me, personally.

So I am very jealous of people for whom all that is fulfilling for.

Meh.

(Though even if that was good enough for me, it would still require I go out and actually interact with people.)

Empty

I'm having a lot of weird thoughts and...flashbacks for some reason.  And some of them are concerning and others should be upsetting but right now I just don't feel a damn thing.

So even when ex's memory has randomly decided to plant itself in my head, along with the constant voice telling me that I should give up on everything and that I am not fit to be a scholar, and knowing exactly how much I need to do this week before I head to Ursinus...

All of these things should cause me to have some feelings.

But really, I'm just sitting here.  Coding.  Feeling nothing.  Not happy, not sad, not worried, not anything.

Just...empty.

I'm sure these thoughts will preoccupy me, unfortunately.


Also for some reason certain albums will not play on Spotify for me and that is super fucking upsetting.  ...Is a Real Boy is one of them and this is unacceptable.

Doggie Probs

So I was able to get up and edit my paper pretty early this morning, and then I spent some time playing with the pups.  Part of me is wondering if I should talk to roommate about how he is dealing with Murray, since I really don't think it is fair to the pup, but at the same time I feel like it might be like one parent telling a different parent how to raise his or her kids.  But - as I may have said before - instead of letting Murray time off-leash, he decides to chain him up in an effort to stop him from having accidents in the house.  Even though that is a band-aid and not a solution to the problem.  So Murray is stuck.  I know I used to do something similar with Callie, but it was only when I left her home by herself.  And slowly, I started leaving her off it for short intervals, and now I'm comfortable with leaving her free whenever we all have to leave.  Plus, Murray never being off-leash is not going to help his behaviour when he is actually able to roam free, because it will be a different type of environment.  So everything he does while chained up might not translate if it is suddenly gone.  Example - when other roommate came home, Murray slipped out while I was getting his and Callie's leashes on.  He used to come back when called, but adolescence and always having a leash on made him want to run around.  I don't blame him.  And I know Callie isn't exactly always good about coming when called either when off-leash, but she at least gets to run around more.

So before, when I was playing with them, I let him just hang out with us and I played fetch with him and Callie and he was running around.  Sometimes, I feel as though I'm the only one who really plays with them and pays a lot of attention to them.  Obviously, Callie and I are inseparable, but I feel bad for Murray.  I understand that roommate is going through depression as well but...I don't know.  No matter how sad I was and no matter how much I didn't want to get out of bed some days, I never neglected Callie.  Even when I was annoyed with her and stuff when she wasn't behaving (and I still get annoyed!) it didn't diminish the love I have for her and it didn't make me care for her any less.

Sometimes I think that roommate didn't actually understand the work that goes in to having a puppy.  Especially one as independent and headstrong as Murray.  I think roommate expected him to act like Callie, when they have distinct personalities and depositions, and so shouldn't necessarily be approached or dealt with in the same manner.  I did warn him about getting a puppy as young as Murray vs. one that was an older pup like how Callie was when I got her, and that the younger puppy would be a lot more work.  But he ignored my advice.

But lately I just feel like if I don't play with or pay some attention to the puppy, he doesn't really get enough lovin'.  And that makes me feel bad, especially since Callie gets all the lovin' she wants aha.

Again, I'm not sure if I should have a conversation with roommate, since technically Murray is not my pup.

I had a dream where I was watching special episodes of yugioh that were all about Bakura.  I remember at one point saying, "poor guy, he's so damn nice but everyone thinks he's a fucking psychopath."

And friend-guy was there, playing the card game and watching also.

It was weird.  And yet kind of awesome.  Because Bakura.

"The literature surrounding the role of geography and local districts in the development and strategies of political parties would benefit from the inclusion of the discussion of traditional cleavage groups and their possible decline.

Why?

BECAUSE FUCK YOU THAT'S WHY.

Also because this topic so damn dull that I am talking out of my ass and hoping that this shit makes at least a little bit of sense."


That is how my paper reads between the lines.

I haven't stayed up this late working in a while.  Luckily though, I'm not really tired.  Just unfocused.  Woo.


[Edit] - WOW this paper suddenly got super pious with a message.  Basically me being all "you fuckers should just listen to each other and include ideas from other areas into your own theories" to the entire discipline.  ...Maybe I really am bitter about this whole "you have to specialize and not ever deviate from that" idea.

OH MY GOD this paper sucks so hard.

And I don't want to write it at all.

I would rather flail around on my bed.

And eat mini m&ms until I feel sick.

Sob.

Also I have a fuck ton to do this week and I already know on the 25th I'm going to be playing D3 because Reaper of Souls.  Priorities.  I have them.

...I came to Target to do work but for some reason I am so damn cold and I might need to go home and be under blankets and stuff.  Which could be even worse because then I'll be cozy and not want to do work at all but I think that might be better than being really fucking cold.  I did, at least, come up with a possible reaction for my paper.  It is kind of bullshit and everything, but at least it is something?  ...Maybe?  It is difficult to come up with something to react to when the topic for the week is political parties and geography.  Joy.

However, I do think I will buy more mini M&Ms before leaving because those are like crack and I want more.  And I've been wanting chocolate and I don't really have a lot.  I have some...almost year-old Easter stuff.  I don't know if it is good and regardless...it isn't mini M&Ms.


My headphones are busted again, which is really upsetting because this is the second time I'll need to ask for a replacement/repair on them.  I really like Sennheiser, but I'm not liking the fact that this keeps happening.  Maybe I'll ask if I can just get credit towards a better set of headphones.  I keep looking at the HD 449 pair, but I don't know if they'll let me do that.  If not, I'll just stick with what I have for the time being.  I do want to get that in ASAP, so that hopefully I'll have them back by the time I need to go to Chicago. I kind of would love the Momentum headphones, but I'm not willing to spend that much.


...So I started this and then friend-guy came over and we were chatting and he bought me a bunch of stuff and I kind of hate that I'm still so comfortable around him and that he has to be so damn nice to me and basically imply that I am the reason he wants to be a better person and gahhhh.

Blanket

I acquired a very nice blanket for a bit.

Twas a heavy blanket, but still comfy.

And it was a demanding blanket, wanting many many pets...

And kisses!  But this is the best blanket in the world and I would never ever ever ever trade her!

I love how, even though I am not friends with either him or his girlfriend on facebook, I still manage to get exposed to stupid pictures of former friend-guy and her via mutual friends liking it and I really just don't want to see that.

I'm actually not as angry as I was about it, but it is still a reminder that, once again, someone I put my trust in and thought actually liked me really didn't.  Woo.


...I should probably eat something, since I haven't all day.  But I'm not hungry and I don't want to cook anything.  I was thinking about going and getting something, but I really don't want to leave just yet.  I was doing pretty well with my readings...which I should finish so I could try and write a response paper before noon tomorrow.  Bah, I really should have written more of those before this.  Bad decisions.

I can't

OH MY GOD ASSHOLES TURN THE FUCKING LIGHTS OFF IF YOU'RE NOT IN THE ROOM.

WHY IS THIS CONCEPT SO GODDAMN FUCKING DIFFICULT.

Bah, sorry for the caps but I am so sick of having this goddamn conversation with them.  I don't understand.  That's all wasted money.

I wouldn't care as much if I have not talked about this with them so fucking many times.

fjdsklfjdskljflsdkjflsd

Tonight was this big basketball game for March Madness (something I honestly couldn't care two fucks about, really), and I guess one of the roommates' undergrad was playing.

They didn't come back home until around 8 or so, so I figured they must have been drinking a lot.  Hence, I was the one watching both pups most of the evening, even though I was holed up in my room for the most part.  They chilled with me and all, and we had a good time.  When roommates came home, they kept drinking, which I honestly do not care about, as long as they clean up all the bottles and shit.

What I do care about, however, is when one roommate keeps screaming about the plays and getting super angry and loud and everything.  And not because I found it annoying (which...yeah I did, plus also I heard "oh I don't fucking care if I wake Allison up" because I guess they thought I was asleep but apparently didn't give a shit about that), but because when I walked out to see what was going on (finally), I saw that Callie was super concerned, and Murray was fucking scared half to death.  And my other roommate, Murray's dad, was not really doing anything to help him, it seemed.

Now, I know you aren't supposed to coddle a dog who is super afraid of something like a thunderstorm, but at the same time, a person screaming over a basketball match (something they don't normally care about at all) and not caring that they are scaring the puppy is really angering to me.  Maybe I'm a sucker and a softy for them, but I don't care.  I know how it feels to get into a game that much, but whenever I was in that situation, I didn't have two pups around.  One of whom (the more frightened one), was tied up so he could not get away even if he wanted to.  Because for some reason, instead of addressing Murray's peeing and chewing problem directly, roommate just wants to always keep him tied up.  Always.

So when I went out, I decided I would get them out of there and go for a nice long walk.  I unhooked Murray and he sprinted towards roommate's room, and did not want to come out at all.  Which I don't blame him.  When I did get them all ready, roommate who was yelling said that he was sorry but that "no one in this house understands" or something like that.  I said I didn't care about me, but I do care if I walk out and see Murray so scared and Callie so concerned and worried.  Roommate's boyfriend (I guess he would be third roommate, truthfully, but it is already confusing enough since I don't number roommates when I talk about them) was the only one who was trying to help the pups and get roommate to stop, so I asked him what time the game ended.  And although it was ending in a few seconds, I still went out for around 45 minutes maybe?  Though I did also call best friend and vented to her about things, so that was good at the very least.

And then of course they were all quiet and awkward when I came back and I just rolled my eyes and put both doggies to bed and then hopped into bed myself.

I'm just...frustrated.


I kind of want to go to Amnesia Rockfest but I'm a) poor and b) unsure about music festivals as opposed to individual concerts.  It involves a lot of camping and stuff, which I'm not a big fan of.  Then again...it could be a lot of fun if I went with the right people.  ...Or by myself.  Woo.  I'll think about it some more.

Video Blog 4

Youtube actually took less than 4 days to upload this one! (Took less than 10 minutes actually...youtube, you got your shit together!)

I decided to go to workshops today because I missed the last two weeks and because roommate is presenting, and despite that I am not really all that interested in what he studies, I figure I should still go to be supportive and all that.  Most likely, though, I will skip happy hour (as usual) because I just really don't feel like going and watching people drink and socialize and stuff.  Instead, I'll try and do some readings so I could maybe bang out a reaction paper for my political parties class tomorrow.  Maybe I'll head on over to Target again when I actually want to start writing.

Man, I am so uninterested in things that I can't even pretend to be paying attention for roommate.  (Though honestly his presentation style doesn't grab me usually.  It isn't bad, it is just more that he is laid-back and stuff, whereas I prefer presenters who are more...dynamic.)

Before, when I was over neighbour's house to let Callie and Murray play with Lewis (it actually usually ends up with Callie and Lewis playing together and Murray just kind of running around by himself), I had this wave of nauseousness and lightheadedness that just wouldn't go away.  I figured it might have been due to lack of food, so I went home and had some pizza rolls, despite not really feeling hungry.  However, I'm still not feeling very well, and I wonder if it the new meds.  Or it could be a combination - I know one of the side effects is decreased appetite and nauseousness so yay.

And of course, this isn't helping my mood at all.

...I find I'm happiest lately when I am surrounded by dogs and playing with them.  Lewis and I actually romp around when Callie is being lame and doing something else, and I love it.

Part of me is saying "dude, fuck grad school; why not just open up a shelter and help doggies because that would be awesome."  But I know I won't do that.  Even though it would be cool.

Thursdays are becoming my "mindlessly play a video game for hours while actually still being miserable but unwilling to do anything real to fix that" days.

My time would be better spent doing work but I don't even really give a shit.

Despite, again, being around people, I just feel super disconnected and lonely and unfortunately when that happens I start thinking about ex and past people and I don't want to do that at all.

...Should probably buy my flight ticket to Chicago, shouldn't I?


This entry was going to be a lot more in-depth but I now don't feel like writing a lot.

Oh my god I hate these professionalism discussions so fucking much.

I know they are important.

But I don't need even more reasons to be discouraged and tired and unmotivated.

Sitting in class and instead of paying 100% attention, I'm at maybe 50% that and 50% thinking about all the other shit that I need to do or should do.  For one, need to make my poster for Midwest, which I kind of don't want to go to at all and still need to buy my ticket for.  And I should work on my domestic forces in foreign policy paper since I am presenting an IR workshop next Friday.  I had expected when I signed up that I would have worked on it more than I have, but I stupidly did not anticipate the crushing soullessness and the general apathy that I have been feeling would become so goddamn overwhelming.

I should message my sisters and ask if they wanna do lunch one day this weekend.  That would be a lot of fun, I think.  Though at the same time, updating them on my life isn't as appealing.  I don't really want to admit to my family (really, I don't want to admit it to anyone with the exception of Nancy and this blog) that I am listless and am questioning my job path and my choices and wondering if I should be doing something else with my life.  I don't want to admit that to them.  I'm supposed to be the one that is ambitious and gets more education and has the degrees to show for it and everything.

Truthfully, I thought about talking to my dad about things when I was on the phone with him yesterday, but I decided against it because he sounded so happy and I didn't want to make him sad with all my bullshit that would just worry him and everything.


If I decide to not go anywhere this weekend, I am at least heading down to Ursinus for Airband a week from Saturday!  I think that should be good; I haven't been down to UC in a while, so it should be fun to see people I haven't been able to see in a long time as well as get out of Binghamton for a day or two.  Though I'm not going to bring Callie this time, since I'm going to watch the performances, so I need to ask roommates if they could doggiesit that weekend.  I do want to bring her down one day, but on a day where I am not going to be watching stuff and all.  College roommate was saying that we should go to alumni weekend and I should bring Callie down with me then.  So I might do that and wait until then to bring her down.

Today I had a visit with my doctor, and I was telling him about how things have been going.  How I'm still really listless and don't care about much and I'm tired a lot, and how I want to just run away and how I'm annoyed at everyone for everything and all.  We chatted for almost an hour about things, and agreed to augment my meds with something new in addition to what I'm already taking.  What I'm already taking takes care of seratonin levels and all, while the new stuff focuses on dopamine and norepinephrine.  So, hopefully I will be able to have more of a positive response with the addition of this new thing.  I dunno.

Hopefully.  I just want to not be so goddamn unhappy anymore.

And roommate I think is having a bad day but I just want to be alone so I actually said that I just wanted to hang out in my room by myself instead of going out and doing work in the living room and I dunno I probably made him sadder but I really just want to be by myself and I am a terrible friend.

I'm thinking I might ask if my two older sisters want to meet for lunch this weekend in Albany or something.  That might be fun.


Also, I was talking with one of the fourth (fifth?) years, who is currently working on her dissertation, and I was explaining my indifference towards everything and how I'm pretty much done with being in an all-male cohort, and she said that she would email me and that we should go to lunch sometime next week and that was probably the highlight of my day.  Because it really would be nice to get away from my cohort and the people I normally surround myself with for a bit.

At this rate, even with roommates, it might be several things, but one in particular might just be that I am around them too much.  That if I'm home, I'm out in the living room with them.  I do everything with them, and I don't have anyone else, really.  And it is just a natural progression for those people to start getting on your nerves (but I do feel as though I'm the only person who understands that this does happen).  It isn't that I dislike them or anything.  It is just I have had an overdose of you so I need to cut back for a bit.  Really, there have been few people in my life where I can be with them so fucking much and not want to strangle them at some point in time.

So tonight was the first ever annual karaoke/dance party that the department was throwing, and to be quite honest, I was dreading it.  I didn't really want to go at all but the roommates dragged me out.  I figured I would leave early or something and only stay as long as I needed to.

We pretty much took over a club, which was easy because it is Tuesday and all.  And at first...yeah, it was kind of awful.  I still didn't want to be there and one of the roommates started saying about how this could be a good night and we should "try to have fun" even if we "didn't really want" to be there and stuff like that.  I knew those comments were aimed towards me, most likely, and it made things even worse.  Because I hate that whole...almost fake optimism thing.  And maybe it wasn't fake, but I just hate when people are telling me to have a good time when I clearly just want to be left alone for a bit or need to warm up or something.

Former friend-guy was there and he started talking to me; he seemed to have many stories to share and all, and while I was kind of stand-offish at first, I relaxed a bit more.  I don't know why, but he does that to me at times.  The dynamic between us is really fucking strange.  So I was slowly warming up.  But then roommate randomly came over to me while I was talking to him and told me that I should "go socialize."  I was confused and told him that I was socializing, and I just wanted to sit at the bar for the time being.

Both roommates also kept telling me to sing even though I kept repeating that I didn't want to.  And I was thinking about it on my walk home...I wish they would have just accepted my no at the time.  I don't like feeling pressured into doing things.  Meh.

Anyway, I was warming up because I started dancing as a 'back-up' to some people who were singing, and then just staying on the dance floor and doing silly things (shopping cart, sprinkler...you know, all the boss dance moves).  As more people jumped in I got more comfortable, and I think it was the best when one of my favourite professors came on the dance floor and started also.  So friend-guy was on one side of me, and prof on the other and it was glorious.  Despite the fact that no ska was playing and it was club music, I started skanking because it is a fun fucking dance and I wanted to at least feel somewhat more comfortable, and once I decided to do that it was kind of all over.  I was doing that for a while, even as people left the dance floor.  (Truthfully, I'm not sure if I skank correctly, mostly because I have just gone off what I have seen from people at concerts and stuff.  But whatever, it is fun for me so I don't really care all that much.)

So basically, I ended the night feeling alright and good after actually having fun for once.

But one roommate seemed weird, especially towards me.  Like he was angry with me for some reason.  I don't know if he really was or if I am reading too much into it, but this seems to happen if I ever talk to friend-guy.  I understand being angry with him (hell, I still am; I just can't afford to act out on that as much as I might want to and all) and all, but don't get pissed off with me because I chose to talk to him more tonight than I have probably since he did that bad thing.  Honestly, I'm unsure if it was disappointment or jealousy (because also, sometimes I feel as though if my attention isn't on roommate, then he gets mad with me or sad or something, like I've abandoned him), but either way I just got really fucking annoyed.  And I was thinking that maybe it was in my head but when we got home he only took Murray out and didn't also take Callie.  And yes, he is under zero obligation to do so, since she is my pup; that was not what bothered me at all.  It was just out of character, and to me screamed that he was annoyed or upset with me.

Bah, I dunno.  It just gets frustrating.


Also, I heard a few times tonight "oh my boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife" is mad/going to be mad because I'm staying out so late, and that just really fucking puzzles me.  Was I a weird girlfriend for being pretty okay with the ex doing all the things he wanted to do, no matter how late he stayed up or how much time he invested in it and everything?  Was I the fucking strange person for having that sort of outlook on my relationship?

I just don't understand people sometimes.  A lot of times.

Session and Agility

Before I get into the details of my session, I'm first gonna talk about our first agility class!  Which did, luckily, put me in a better and less depressed mood and everything.

First, the guy who does the training is really nice and excitable, and he really really liked Callie.  He said she was really smart and sweet and a character, and that she picked up on things really quickly.  He also said I have good dog sense, which I loved hearing since I never really thought that was true.  (Plus he loved that I brought really good treats with me; opened the container of dried chicken liver pieces that I had been saving!)

Callie was really interested in the other dogs who were performing when we weren't actually on the course ourselves.  She kept watching really intently and kept going up to inspect the equipment when we were on the floor before actually doing some things.  She got the jumps down the first time, and was good with everything we did (table, jumps, tire jumps, a little bit of weaving) with some exception for the tunnel.  She was good at it when she could see the other side/see me at the end of it, but I think we should be able to work on that and all.  The trainer said that it looks like her big thing won't be learning the equipment itself, but more not wanting to be far away from me.  The thing we will work on the most, I think, will be distance.

But judging from this first session, I think she will do really well and will have a lot of fun.


Session today went well, though I continued to discuss my disillusionment and general unhappiness with my life at the moment.  How I'm sick of being with all men, first, all the goddamn time.  And how academia is not what I thought it was...I imagined - probably due to naivety - a place that was supportive and had just a love of learning and everything.  But it is more political and more...bullshitty than I thought, which is just disheartening.  I'm uninterested in everything, though Nancy pointed out that that might also be because I feel like I am being forced to do things I don't want to do, and that is hurting my motivation.

When asked if, in an ideal world where I could do whatever I wanted and had the skills/means to do it, I would still be in grad school, I said that I didn't think so anymore.  That actually, I would love to be in a band, but I don't have the musical skills (or the fearlessness to perform in front of a large crowd) to do something like that.  Or, that I would enjoy opening up a doggie shelter or something.  Then again, I also know that I do love school and learning, but...not the way I have been going at it for the past two years.  I'm miserable, and all these things coming up isn't making it any better.

I have had times where I'm uninterested in many things before, but school usually has been immune from that.  Usually, I get nervous about the idea of not having my shit done by deadlines, but lately I do not care about that just as much as I do not care about everything else in my life.

Nancy told me that I should try to do things my own way.  That the professors will sit there are try to make you feel guilty if you do not live and breathe grad school and work, and I should ignore what they are saying.  That yeah, maybe that is how they did it and it has some value, but I need to forge my own path through this that will make me not want to do terrible things to myself.

Also, I went into my expectations for myself, and how I define success.  That I do not entertain the idea of leaving grad school, because I will think it means I failed.  That I failed and wasn't strong or smart enough to finish.  I have always told myself that I needed to be the person in my family with a prestigious job.

I really would like to just keep learning, but it is hard to do that in an environment such as this.

After class today, I stayed and had a long chat with my professor, who is also a woman, about what I can do to deal with this whole "being the only girl in my cohort" business.  It was good to talk to her, despite her telling me the realities of being a woman in a male-dominated field, but she sympathized and said that from now on she would try to help me and be more attentive to the guys talking over me or ignoring my points or presenting them as their own (which they do sometimes do and it is annoying).

I think she is aware of the toll it is having on me though, because she said that it really was terrible for me to have that environment as my entire grad school experience, pretty much.  That it shouldn't be like that, and she has no idea what happened when my cohort was admitted.  She also seemed very determined to get me to pick a topic that "actually interests" me for my paper.  So I wonder if it is more obvious than I seem to think it is how listless and uninterested in everything I really am.

On some level, I tried to convey my frustrations to her, but I still didn't want to delve into everything because that is getting into some deeper shit that my professors don't exactly need to hear.  Nor do they want to, I imagine.  That nothing is interesting, that I am so fed up with my cohort and dealing with male egos and shit; I even live with three guys and despite them being friends of mine, I often just want to be left alone just so I could escape dudes.  Which is weird for me, because I've always been more prone to being friends with guys and all, due to my interests.  But I guess this is a different sort of environment, and having to deal with it for almost two years now has kind of been chipping away at me slowly.  Which is, of course, wonderful when it is piled on top of all the other shit I have going on in my head.

(Though as I was leaving today I saw a guy with a 4 month old pug puppy and so I played with that adorable mushball for a few minutes and that took my mind off some stuff for a bit.  And then I took Callie and Murray to play with Lewis, which also was nice.)

And then, the rest of the day, I sat on the couch and mindlessly played D3.  Because even though I have so many papers and things to do, I was too mentally exhausted and lethargic and listless that doing anything that required any bit of thought was just too fucking much.  Honestly, I'm surprised I was able to make dinner, which consisted of two grilled cheese sandwiches and m&ms because I am an adult.  Though it probably wasn't good that that was all I ate today.  I was shaking a bit when I was making it, probably just from not eating a meal for over 24 hours, now that I am thinking about it.  Oh well.

I really am back to not caring about if I eat.  In fact, a voice in my head has been telling me to eat less because then I'll just get smaller and smaller until I disappear and then everything will be okay and I won't have to be sad or empty anymore.


...What is wrong with me.

So I adore that as the discussion leader, my first goddamn question gets ignored in favour of a different one and that doesn't happen to the guys when they are discussion leaders and I fucking hate this.

Luckily, proctoring the exam the first years are taking allowed me to just sit down and blow through all six of my articles for Wednesday's class in 3 hours.  That would have taken so much longer if I was at home or with people or had the opportunity to do other shit.  So I'm actually really grateful that I was told to do this.  Now I just need to do Thursday's readings (including some from last week, since we didn't talk much about it), and then maybe I can actually start some of the final papers/my own work.  That would be super nice, methinks.

Especially since I'm still in this hopeless unhappy rut that I am trying to fake my way out of.  And I'm just convinced that I am to remain unhappy and miserable especially during these years of graduate school.  That even if I get into something I enjoy I will eventually hate it or get bored with it and want to move to something else, which is not the way academia runs.  You're supposed to be an expert in a given area, not a jack-of-all-trades type, which is what I would rather be.  I have plenty I'm not interested in, sure, but I also have a ton of stuff I really am into, spanning across all three of the main subfields.

I have not yet decided if I am going to head to UC for Airband, simply because I'm not sure if I have the time.  Though it would be nice, I think, to go somewhere for a day or a weekend or something and get out of Binghamton.  I know the week after Airband I'm going to Chicago for Midwest, but at the same time...that is for school still.  Despite being away from Binghamton, I'll still be working and around everyone from Bing, which is part of my problem.

Bah.

Exam ending.

Went to Applebee's before with the roommate for lunch, which was all sorts of yummy.  I did get the drink that I usually get when I'm there, which is the main exception to my relatively recent avoidance of alcohol.  Though that might have contributed to the headache I've had since then that I haven't really been able to get rid of.  That, or the lack of caffeine I've had until now since before I went shopping we had no soda in the house.  Me getting lack-of-caffeine headaches is not something I want but also is not something I'm surprised by.

I should probably have done more work today than I have but at least I finished what I needed to do by tomorrow, with the exception of reading the rest of the reaction papers people wrote.  Usually I wouldn't do that but since I'm discussion leader tomorrow I really should think about what everyone said and see how I can fit all those points into questions for the group and all.

Plus tomorrow the first years have their exam that I need to proctor.  Which really just means that I can get more work done there.

...Haven't done laundry but I also don't really feel like it.  I still have some stuff that I can wear tomorrow and maybe Tuesday.


...I think I watch the dramabug minisode at least twice a day.  It puts a smile on my face, which I do need a lot.