New Years Eve and I'm laying in bed by myself (not even with Callie, who I gave to my parents so I could try and get some work done) with a headache and wanting to just do nothing but stare at the wall.

Also I haven't eaten since 1 or so and I just.  Keep telling myself to eat and doing nothing to fix that.  I just keep saying "wow, you should eat something" and not moving.  This has been going on for over two hours.

I did manage to do some work today, though I got started later than I wanted because I was woken up earlier than I originally planned - which resulted in me going back to sleep and then oversleeping, since that is my m.o.  It was weird; some guy was banging on the apartment door so I got up to check and then he started asking a bunch of questions about the building and stuff and kept going even after I told him I was not the landlord.  Then he gave me a piece of paper to give to them or something.  I won't.  It's not my job to do that for you, dude (also there was nothing filled out so it isn't like it had any of his information or anything on it).  I dunno.  It was weird and pushy and I did not like it at all.




I really should eat something.

The lack of an intense emotional response to the news of a close family friend's death should be troublesome. But at the same time this is better than...I guess spiralling. I've been feeling stressed and everything and maybe this should have hit me harder but. Yeah.

It's a bit awkward when you are sitting next to your sister and she immediately starts crying and you're just sort of blankly staring.

Also I know I have not written about petition stuff yet and I still want to. And now I have ended up in a discord with others spearheading movements and I already feel like I am being waved off because I am trying to address things and all. I might just be being sensitive.

As soon as something falls out of my control I spiral.

I'll need to remember to write a thing about this whole petition I started and how it has almost 15k signatures and I sort of wish I did not start it because it is stressing me out a bit.

Also its original message is getting lost bc the wrong crowd of the fandom is signing it as well.

I hate getting invested in shows lately they only disappoint me anymore.

I won the teaching award!

Truthfully I didn't realize how much of a big deal it is apparently?  Like they want to take my picture professionally and there is a ceremony in March and shit and I like...did not realize that this was this big thing I'mm a bit shook.

I need to schedule that...probably for next semester if I'm allowed to.

But it is nice; I'm always scared I'm fucking up when I teach but...maybe I'm not so bad at it.

I either need to return to 150 mg of zoloft or figure out a way to deal with menstrual cycle bullshit because that is when I get most fucked up and it sucks big time.  Last time I was here, I did end up going outside in around 20 degree weather in just my tank top and sweatpants and just...sat on the ground.  Well...deck, technically.  But I sat there and zoned out and kept repeating just...words to myself.  Observations, actually.  "Trees...fence...leaves...flowers..." Basically just that over and over again while pulling apart leaves and breaking icicles. 

It only ended when my dad found me and grabbed a blanket from inside (because he originally asked if I wanted to go in and I said no) and pleaded with me and so I did.  I did not feel very cold, but he said I was shivering so...maybe I just did not feel it because of the weird disassociating thing that was happening. 

A big part of me was upset because a friend of mine whom I rarely get to see was home and like...sometimes it feels like I'm not important enough to make time for.  But I know that isn't true deep down; her family sort of hoards her and fills up all of her time (whenever we're both on the Island, my parents joke about me getting into her schedule for an hour - which honestly isn't really a joke when I think about it).  And her parents can be...much.  I've known them my whole life practically and I love them but they can be a bit overwhelming and make her feel guilty about things and not really want her to go out.  Which isn't fair for her and isn't fair for me - I want to see her too; she is like my fourth sister and I never get any time in.  I wish she would tell them she is an adult and can like...go out with me to lunch or something for an hour or and hour and a half, but...I cannot really tell her to do that.  It is just frustrating.

And I'm told its something I should expect by now.  And I do.  But it doesn't make it any less upsetting when it happens. 

Also, I'm once again dealing with the realization that my not being part of a couple might have excluded me from things.  I usually don't care, because...well I like doing nothing, especially during depressive episodes, but it is sometimes when friends dance around the fact that they are hanging out elsewhere that gets me.  Friends got together one recent weekend in Rhode Island since that is where someone works now (his ass, unlike mine, actually worked and finished the damn degree).  So it was two couples with my good friends being one part of each.  I had a...stupid moment that weekend where I locked myself out of my apartment and one of those friends has a spare.  When I called him he like...was weird about where he was.  All he said was that he was "really far away."  I didn't press it because it doesn't matter - I'm not interrogating him and shit.  Later I found out he was in RI and stuff and it weirdly stung - not that he was in RI but more that he felt he could not tell me that.  As if it was some secret thing that I'm not allowed to know about or go to. 

Is it because I'm not part of a couple?

That's annoying to think about.  I don't want to be part of a couple.  Firstly, I feel no need to be part of one again.  Tried it once, it didn't work.  Besides, I don't see people in a romantic light around 99% of the time.  Again, back to that age old question of "what is Allie's sexuality because it is definitely not straight but not exactly bi but not exactly ace or aro because things can rarely happen so who the fuck knows anymore."  I try to not give it too much agonizing thought anymore. 

Secondly, even if I did want to be part of a couple, my mind right now is not in any place for it.  Not only am I trying to finish this dissertation and so do not need even more distractions in my life, but I'm a mess of a human being.  I've been officially diagnosed with anxiety disorder, major depressive disorder and most recently bipolar II.  And then on top of that I probably deal with a certain degree of trichotillomania (which I don't really talk about simply because it is embarrassing especially since it is not head hair that I pull out) and apparently there is an eating disorder called Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder which almost perfectly describes my shitty eating habits and idiosyncrasies.  I'm afraid to ask about that too because it seems relatively new and I'm still like "is this it or am I just super picky and trying to justify it."  When I read the part about it saying that people with it would rather go hungry than eat something they dislike, I just flashbacked to all the times I was at like...a conference or something and was so hungry but kept telling people I was not because the food options were not to my liking.  A lot of bread would be consumed (depending on the type of bread).  That's just the tip of the iceberg; I could write an article about my weird food habits.

But regardless, I shouldn't have to be part of a couple to have people not tiptoe around me.  It's weird.  It makes me feel like they are pitying me and my situation, despite how many times I say I do not want a SO.  Do people just not believe me?  It isn't like I talk about it much or go out or anything. 

And I hate thinking about being part of a couple not only because of my natural aversion to it, but also because it makes me think of the time I was part of one.  Sure, while I can think about it now without getting super upset, it is more like...since that was the exception and not the rule, who knows if that will ever happen again.  I'm fine with that.  I just hate that the ex was the exception.  That is frustrating.  I've only ever been in love once and it was wasted.  (There was one other time that was like...close to it but it was a week-long summer not-romance romance thing so it obviously went nowhere.)  This isn't a dramatic "I'll never love againnnn!!11" moment spurred on by that particular experience, though.  It is just me recognizing that I don't see people that way most of the time.  Again, ex was the exception, not the rule.

Anyway, I think I went on a weird tangent there. 


Callie has been doing well since her surgery, though now I need to figure out things to prevent her stones from returning.  Apparently she'll now need regular checkups to check on her urine and all, and then a diet change to a prescription one is recommended (which will sadly be very expensive for me so I might need to like...buy a bag and mix it with her food now and see if that is okay), and also try and increase her water intake in order to prevent UTIs.  I'm looking up water fountains for dogs because she does like drinking from running water (minus the hose because I usually spray with that for fun).  I could wait until Christmas to get it for her as a present but I probably should get it sooner rather than later.

Apartment has had a bunch of issues with heat recently, but I'm too tired to get into it right now.  Maybe tomorrow. 

I think I need to go back up on the zoloft.

Because having a mini mental breakdown over cancelled plans and being told I cannot eat in my room upstairs (even though I have done it before many times and am...28) is kind of an overreaction.

Gonna go stand outside in the freezing cold to reboot or something idk but I want to be cold.

So I definitely think these new meds are working as they are supposed to, which basically sort of supports the bipolar diagnosis; it is nice just knowing so that we can tackle it and everything!  I'm moving up to 100 mg on that and going down on the zoloft to 100 mg just to see if maybe I can ween off of that eventually!

But like, things really have improved!  I fixed parts of my game for my second chapter; I'm still working on it, but it is closer to what I will ultimately want, I think!  And I coordinated some of my committee members so we will have a meeting soon to go over it; the last few sessions with my adviser have been 2+ hours (some closing in on 3) so it will be nice to try and hash this thing out with at least two in the same room! 

And after finding out that Callie needed surgery, I did not panic or spiral but instead thought immediately of what I could do to raise the money (the gofundme is close to the goal I set)!  And the other day, when someone stole shit from my car, I was upset but not like...again, spiraling. 

But I've gotten work done and haven't felt like I cannot do anything other than stay in bed.  Sure there have been a few days where I've gotten super sucked into Fallout 4, but that is less me feeling unable to work and so depressed that I need an escape and more just me getting sucked into things I enjoy, as I tend to do.  I also want to try Beachbody on Demand as a way to get back into exercising?  I was doing really well and then stopped and now I have no gym or anything, so maybe I could do that.  That's the company that put out Insanity, which I was committed to, and by having access to everything they have done lets me have some variety in case I am not feeling like doing something super intense due to my mood or tiredness or anything.  I will just need to somehow make the small space in my living room work alright!  (And although I do not have a lot of equipment, I do have 20 and 15 lb kettlebells I could work with in case there are times where I want to do an equipment-needed program.)

The only problem is the nutrition - unfortunately any results will be offset by my diet (I have been looking up some things and apparently it is a new thing in psychiatry - used to be called Selective Eating Disorder and is now called Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder and it all sounds so familiar so I'm hesitantly adding that to the list of mental illnesses that I have collected aha).  I've resigned to that but like it still can be frustrating.  I want to eat better but everything sounds so...gross.  Even before I treated myself to Dunkin since I was out and wanted to eat before settling at Barnes and Noble for a bit, I thought about how I'm picky about where I get fresh doughnuts.  Basically, they need to be from Dunkin.  I've had from other places and they are never the way I like them.  I'm not really sure how to describe it.  But I'm like that with a lot of things; the brand is important because different brands taste different to the point where I love one but hate another. 

Anyway, it was just something I was reading up about and found it interesting.

But yeah, I just feel much more productive than usual and things do not feel so damn terrible (personally; in terms of the political discourse things are just....awful).  It's good!  There is a part of me that is hesitant still, like I'm waiting for the turn and for this to go downhill again, but...right now things are good.  And I was told I should write all this down so that if a downturn happens, I could look back and see how much better I am now than I was, and how much I've dealt with and survived for so long. 

Progress!  It is nice.

Please for the love of god do not let this be a placebo thing because I actually am getting shit done today and am talking to people and don't feel like dying.  I would fear it was a hypomanic upswing but maybe it is just the new meds doing their job? 

Please let that be the case please just let this bipolar II diagnosis be correct so that I can focus on treating that bc apparently the zoloft can actually make bipolar stuff worse.

Like I even feel more energetic since being on it ngl but again that might be a placebo thing and I hope it is not. 

Starting a new medication and might be weaning off the zoloft if this works. This one is tailored more for bipolar disorder and I am hoping it helps.

And luckily this one is not known to cause weight gain so that's good too.

I feel like I'm drowning but instead of fighting it anymore I've just accepted the inevitable.

I am finding days blur together or go by so fast that I almost feel like I'm not conscious. It is hard to describe. I did nothing again all day, sadly and pathetically, but like...it felt like time went by so fast. Like I woke up and said I was going to do things and then it was dark out. The day just...went by and I did not notice it. I'm not sure what that means, really, especially since it has been happening more and more frequently.

I have to head down to the Island this weekend since comic con is this weekend but even that I'm kind of...blank about? Like there is no real excitement in me but I guess at this rate that is also normal. I hate that it is but...it is. Rarely do things feel special anymore. I am mostly looking forward to new prints even though I have so many already and I'm poor af. But if I could find a print of Ignis and white-haired Shiro that would be fab.

Sad thing is after I realized how late it was and how I did not do anything, my immediate thought was, "wow you are such a waste of space and resources just end it already you useless sack of garbage." And that sort of thought is just...common enough that I barely react to it anymore. It just sits there. It's weird.

But I hate this unproductivity. And like at this point I wish it was fueled by laziness because that is fixable. Lately I have just been feeling like I cannot do anything about it and I guess I am spiraling and just lying in bed all fucking day.

Sigh. I am a mess.

My frustration with Mathematica (aka - getting up to a part where I was very ??? the entire time) finally has overcome my anxiety about asking people for help and so I was able to send an email to the math department office and chair to see if any of them knew the program and would be willing to help me.

I will probably need to go in with an attempt at my game solution (even though I am still very "I have no idea how to program this") so that they could help me with that specifically, which means I need to...do...that.


Oh, and while I'm at it I should finally read the reviews for my paper that got rejected.  Sigh, I've been avoiding that for too long.

For some reason my brain decided to give me an ex-related dream recently and it was...strange.  I mean I didn't feel anything other than annoyance when I woke up, which was at least good.  Don't remember exactly what it was about, but I hate the fact that they still happen, even if they are sporadic and rare now. 


I need to get paid I am running very low on money after paying my rent today. 


Lately my brain feels...mushy; I can neither focus nor think about much.  Like my mind is just blank and the times I can think and focus are short and fleeting.  And I have zero drive still to do anything; I know laying around most days is not normal for most people.  Sometimes I trick myself into thinking I'm not depressed anymore because I don't feel that sucking sadness but then I think about the things I do and how I spend many days in bed and that gives me a bit of a wake up call.

My new psychiatrist wants to revisit the bipolar disorder question - she said it would be type II if I did have it, which is depression-based with hypomania episodes where you are super productive.  When I said that this started probably a few years ago - this tendency of mine to sprint through my work in 2 weeks and then have periods of heavy inactivity and depression - she told me that bipolar disorder usually manifests/matures during a person's mid-twenties, so it would fit.  She did not want to rush anything though, so we're meeting again sooner than usual to talk more about things. 

A shallow fear of mine about going to a new medication would be the possibility of further weight gain.  I know these sorts of meds do that, as I've already had to deal with that and it still bothers me.  I think I have plateaued at least by now, but still...it's annoying.  Constantly having to think about getting new clothes and shit is upsetting and I hate it.  Even when I was working out regularly, I felt like nothing showed - I felt stronger and everything and that was nice, but it was frustrating to see little to no change in how I looked. 

Again, I know it is shallow.  I know I should not care because it is gross of me to think that way.  And it wouldn't stop me from trying a mood stabilizer if that was the direction we would go but it is a fear.


I was going to write more but I can't focus which basically has been the story of my goddamn life.

Oh, and before I forget; Nancy told me something in our last session that I need to think about more, because it really is important:

My motivation when I was younger was fear.  That's why I was able to do things diligently and obsessively.  Now that fear has (not completely disappeared but slightly) dissipated.  I'm trying to figure out what I actually like and what I actually want and the unknown is...scary to me.

The fear of disappointing people is still there, but I guess knowing more about myself (as little as I do know) and examining my own head has made it no longer the primary motivation to do things.  And since I can't seem to find a good replacement, I've been standing in place, metaphorically speaking.

Well, remind me to not get into stupid twitter fights over fandom nonsense again.

Basically, someone wrote something like "I know nothing about voltron but I do know sheith is BAD."  I know that there is a ton of misinformation that gets spread around, especially to those outside the fandom, so I replied with something akin to, "it's not, the staff have supported it and please don't jump to conclusions about stuff when you don't know the source material.  Also you've probably been lied to."

Here I was, stupidly expecting some sort of actual conversation.

Instead, I was screamed at; the person did not at all like when I said Voltron did not queerbait - because queerbaiting by its classical definition is when a character is consistently teased to be lgbtq+ but the writers never confirm it or habitually deny it (Supernatural is one of the biggest cases, especially with Dean and Cas).  Here, it is not the case; Shiro is confirmed gay, so...not queerbaiting.  Despite my trying to explain this, I kept saying that the definition they were using was not the classic definition (I even tried to throw them a bone with "maybe the definition has changed or something idk" but they ignored that).  I even tried to give some clout to the "bury your gays" trope, even though I also think that is a bullshit claim from antis who ship klance and are pissed that Shiro's ex was killed because it makes Keith the most obvious romantic choice for Shiro afterwards.  But I digress.

Eventually, this devolves further until they are just sending me dumb reaction pictures that mean nothing.  So I say, "okay since you've regressed into a child and I don't debate children, we are done."  I've always wanted to use that line on an anti, because although they constantly seem to want to be children, they don't appreciate when someone treats them as such in the sense of "okay, you're having a tantrum so I'm going to ignore you and stuff."  And lo and behold, person freaked out and said I was treating them like a child because I was not listening to them.  When, you know, I tried to calmly explain my own side's POV and give some sources here and there (not a lot; I didn't have time to do so).  Maybe I was a bit condescending after a while, but I can't blame myself for that when the person you're talking to just screams the same thing over and over again and does not entertain your own points.

Eventually resulted in a mutual block so I mean at least that came out of it. 

Strange though, I felt adrenaline but did not feel angry or anxious or anything.  I was shaking only from being in an argument - because that's what happens - but I felt nothing but exasperation and mild amusement.  Which I guess is...good?  I mean this situation might have caused me to become a mess not too long ago, so I guess it is good.  Maybe because it was someone I don't care about and will never respect and once I found out they were actually just an anti I definitely knew they were a lost cause.  I have zero respect for antis - I find them to be vile little monsters so...maybe that helped.


Unrelated, but I've been having trouble focusing once again, which has been a huge problem.  Though should I say "once again" when it has been pretty consistently bad for a while?  I think the only time I was able to hyper-focus recently was when I wrote that ~7.5k sheith fic in two (three with editing) days.  Which only happened because I had a huge strike of inspiration thanks to a popular artist.  I've been trying to write part 2 but its been slow because the inspiration has left and I basically find that writing for more than an hour (if that) gets me antsy.  If that is the right word?  It's hard to describe - it's like my brain glazes over and I can't think properly or come up with much. 

I probably need to try exercising again; I've been waiting for my trainer but it's been a few months and she still hasn't been able to find a new place for us.  But my eating schedule has been so out of whack that finding a time would be strange, since I need to eat like...4 hours ahead of time at minimum and 5 at max, usually.  Plus I am a bit afraid to go back and be angry that I can't do as much as I once did.  I know logically I should take things easier until I can get my body used to the idea of working out again, but my brain berates me every time I regress. 

And like...I really want to go back with my trainer?  Working out by myself sucks - it isn't fun and I give up easier because I'm hyperfocused on what hurts and stuff.  With her it was fun.  Plus, I miss MMA/kickboxing stuff and I can't really do that on my own.  I've just been blah so I can't really conjure the energy.  But then again, maybe I can't conjure the energy because I haven't done anything.  (Mental illness is fun, kids!)

Every time I look at my work too, I'm just discouraged.  My adviser talked with me about things - I won't be going on the market right now because we agreed that I'm not ready (and he is a bit afraid of me presenting, which is not an unreasonable fear).  And while part of me is grateful for the alleviation of that pressure, another part is screaming how I'm a failure for taking so long to get this thing done.  But...I'm trying.  I am, when I can.  It's strange how often I lie in bed and tell myself to get up and do xyz and then just...don't.  I wish I could call it laziness (even though I also fear that is what it is) because it's...different.  It's not me not wanting to do things...it is just being unable to do them for some reason.  Not sure if that is an executive dysfunction thing or not.  (Which if it is, can be attributed to my not going to the gym problem too maybe.)

I dunno.  I'm just so sick of this whole depression/anxiety thing, even when it is "managed."  It makes it hard for me to do productive shit unless I'm in that semi-mania mode (not sure if I should call it that, because that points to Bipolar stuff which is still questioned but undiagnosed).  Like even when I wrote that fic, I might have had that sort of going on - I literally wrote for hours nonstop without realizing it.  It was a few hours the first day and then the second was from the time I woke up to the time I slept.  That's not fucking normal. 

Every time I think about this I wonder if I should ask for some meds to help me focus, but I'm afraid of coming across as someone who just wants them for the wrong reasons. 

Also my sleep schedule is terrible as of late.  Can't go to bed until like...3/4 and then waking up around 11 usually.  Even when I wake up earlier, I'm finding it difficult to sleep before 3 for some reason.  (Which is weird; I'll be tired in the middle of the day/early evening when it is still too early to sleep, and then I'll be wide awake at midnight it is annoying.)

And since it is 2 am now, I ought to try sleeping.  There's more I should write but maybe I'll try tomorrow.

I need a break from fandom discourse nonsense.

Like it is terrible and because my mood has been so shitty it's been affecting me more than even usual. It shouldn't affect me at all because it is dumb as fuck and it is fueled by a bunch of teenagers being shitty and vile but I've just been upset by things.

But it is like an addiction for me to continually search things it is fucking weird and I just suck in general.

I should try to actually type something in here tomorrow instead of being on mobile.

I really ought to get something to eat soon.  Really should have done so over an hour ago but.  Oh well.  It's not like I care that much.

Strange how I can actually have a day of being semi-productive and it still feels like I've done absolutely nothing.  Possibly because I missed my doctor's appointment this morning due to my oversleeping/apparently turning off my alarm in my sleep (or just sleeping through it).  I've been tired again a lot lately, which isn't that surprising given my mood.  Luckily I got my refill of Zoloft (though I need to do insurance things tomorrow because something happened and stuff), so idk maybe I won't feel as horrible and tired again soon who the fuck knows.

Rejection from journal still hurts deeply, even though in a way I sort of understand it.  I could not bring myself to read the reviews just yet; I'm too afraid of what they have to say, even though my adviser told me that apparently it was like...a "positive rejection" or whatever.  And I know logically that means the reviews actually say something worthwhile and stuff and perhaps aren't just "lolol you fucking suck get out of here" but I still can't read them.  Not right now.

Last week, adviser asked me if I wanted to look at research or teaching institutions and at the time I told him that what I wanted depended on my mood.  Which isn't a lie, but after getting that I'm thinking I would have better chances at a teaching university just based on my experience.  While I have one publication from undergrad and that's it (and I guess have worked on a few projects here and there), I have TAed undergrads 5 times, graduates 3 times, have taught 4 of my own designed courses (one taught twice), and will have at least two more of my own courses by the end of the Spring. 

Not...entirely sure how that looks objectively, but it is obvious my teaching experience blows my research experience out of the water.  Regardless of what I want (which again, varies with the fucking wind at this rate), I am wondering if a teaching school would look at all of my teaching experience as a strength that can overlook my lack of publications or something.

Like...I know this is application season for next year, but without that publication I feel like I don't really have the ability to be marketable.  I probably should not have thrown all my eggs into that basket considering how introductory that chapter is...but we all know I'm terrible at most things, really so it isn't surprising.

Idk I probably should see if my adviser is in tomorrow or something.  I'm sure he doesn't want to deal with my moping, though, and my tendency to not do shit because I can't seem to conjure up the necessary energy to get things done.

Honestly the most productive I've been lately was when I wrote that ~7500 word fic in like two days because I couldn't get it out of my head.  Which says so much about my brain's skewed priorities.

Lol I've done nothing but play ffxv all day bc I was sad about rejection notice.

And now I'm doing that thing where I start thinking about just trying to write things on amazon for like extra cash or something but I would need to go headfirst into that to make anything worthwhile. Like hell if I could pump out smut stories and have them sell even a bit to make me like $100 extra a month or something that'd be cool.

Idk it would be fun to just be able to write fun shit on my own but I know that is majorly luck too and stuff so...

Again, just...fearing that nothing will really speak to me and I will be trapped in cages forever.

Just give up - your work is garbage, you cannot handle a simple rejection and you have nothing to offer what others cannot already do better. 

It would be better, wouldn't it? That way you could stop pretending like you might have a place that makes you happy, your parents could be free of you and your constant need for support, your nieces would not have to know how much you suck, your dog would be happier with people who actually are happy...

Spiralling is fun

My first voltron fic has been popular and this pleases me

Also at some point I need to talk about my tendency to do something sort of dumb when I listen to songs.

Oh and the ffxv soundtrack is my jam and I want it played at my funeral

I could never go back to living with another person just solely on the fact that I am constantly only in my underwear.

I get too hot easily and just shed clothes immediately and even then when it's really bad I am usually too warm until I take a cold shower or something.

My thoughts recently can only be described as an existential crisis, and, according to my friend, shows that I've swung more heavily back into the low depressive episode than I had thought.  So much so that he said, basically, he would be afraid for me if I went into the next semester with nothing to do, due to my history and my current thought patterns.

Basically, I've been hit really hard with this idea that my life is a boring sludge of an existence, and that I will never have grand adventures, and for some reason lately, it has made me feel...empty.  Originally I typed 'overwhelmingly sad,' but that's not entirely true.  I feel like I have no purpose, and I'm just aimlessly drifting through life with no willpower to do something else because I know deep down I will just end up resenting it, just how I end up either resenting or feeling nothing towards most things I start doing.

I joke that I get so sucked into my video games and books and such and really...it is because that is where adventures happen, and - especially with video games - I actually feel like I do have a purpose, strangely enough.  When I'm playing as Noctis - for example, since I've mostly been in ffxv lately still - I'm a chosen king with a deeper purpose.  It sounds silly, I know.  And I'm not deluding myself; I know I'm not.  I know the characters in these games are not real and I will never have the epic stories that they have and I'm just reduced to mediocrity, but...when I'm playing I get lost in them because it feels nice to have something to fight for, even if it is just a fictional world. 

People look at me funny when I tell them I can and have sat and played games for 10+ hours at a time (on many many occasions), and that to me, it feels like nothing.  I guess to other gamers, that's not entirely abnormal, but for me, it is really just...I get so absorbed that my brain doesn't register how long it has been.  I get swept up in other things too, but for games where I am super invested in the story and the characters...I lose myself, if that makes sense.  I won't eat because I don't think to, and on the off chance I do think 'oh I should probably eat,' I get something that requires no time to prepare and/or eat it super quickly so that I could get back to what I was doing.

But I know that its not me.  I'm not really off on some grand adventure with a higher purpose; I'm just sitting in my room, ignoring the other responsibilities in my life because I can't seem to focus enough on them to get them done. 

Right now, I just feel like...everything snaps back to this feeling of emptiness.  It is the status quo, and knowing and believing that just...makes me suspicious of every single time I'm happy about something.  Because I know it won't last.  I know it is fleeting, and the cost of that happiness will eventually be either debilitating sadness, or just this empty nothingness.  Which is worse?  I don't know, but realizing it is my status quo...it makes me wonder why I stick around.  (So...yeah, I guess friend has every reason to be afraid for me.)  Why stay when nothing can make me happy for long?  Is it fair to force my friends and family to have to deal with my episodes of depression and empty cryptic messages?  If I can't focus on anything, is it fair of me to make them pick me up every few weeks and tell me how much potential I have when I am just going to slink back into the mode where I feel useless and like I'll never have a purpose or be a productive member of society?

Friend told me that I should just try and go on these adventures I want but...weirdly, I don't know how to make that happen.  Like I'm trapped in a box that is suffocating me and I'm not sure how to get out.

I can't function or focus.  And its making me have trouble with this whole 'learning mathematica' thing and I feel like a damned idiot.  Like the only thing I'm good at lately is playing my games and that's about it. 

Classes have started so maybe...idk...maybe I can get something back.  If I want to get on the market this year I need to get back into mental shape.  Which has been proving...difficult. 

I have a craving for something but I'm not sure what that is.  Sigh.

It's strange that all of my motivation disappears as soon as I return to Binghamton.

...though that's saying a lot, since I do not have a lot of motivation elsewhere anymore, unless it is in an entirely new spot. I had wanted to see if I could rent a cabin or something in Vermont to try and focus on work and writing but...my financial situation has not been great since I have not been doing anything over the summer.

I was looking up job postings and my...I wouldn't say apathy but something like it, was a bit disconcerting. Like everything I saw I was like "well I can't get that," and moved on. Even for a position that specifically talked about teaching quant methods (which I assume means stats and game theory, both things I am somewhat well versed in), I was like "nope, wouldnt get it."

Maybe it is my mind subtly telling me to go a different route, but where would I go? Nothing excites me. Everything I could do just seems like I would enjoy for a year or two before I would get bored and want to move on. It is tedious. And can I keep up the pace needed for an untenured academic? My track record says no.

Even now my article is awaiting reviewer scores and I am terrified of it coming back as a rejection or seeing feedback that tells me how terrible it is. I need it to get in somewhere if I want to be on the market; I will have no chance otherwise.

At least my mathematica learning is coming along...albeit slowly, because I just am not good with programming. But today I learned about the manipulate command, which should help me in figuring out a solution to this game of mine for the second chapter. I just need to somehow combine it with integral calculations...which I still am not sure how to do.

Luckily I'll be able to put semi proficient in mathematica now on my CV once this is done. And it will be good; I have a feeling I will need this program a lot of I continue down the formal theory path...which is likely.

Unrelated but cruise was nice even though I was feeling emotionally strange the first few days...like I couldn't get into it. I did read and write a lot for fun though (got 5 requests written from tumblr and read an entire trilogy - the Tamir triad, which I highly recommend), so that was nice! I did spend a lot of time not in the sun though; my intolerance of the heat and humidity has skyrocketed, it seems.

Its shameful how many hours I've put on ffxv within the past like...5 days. This is why I fail as an adult human being.

Also Ignis is best boy I adore that British nerd so much

Cold showers in the summer are amazing.

Also I am 28 now what.

More on that later.

I feel like I sort of talked about this the other day but for some reason I caught myself thinking about it.

It's sometimes hard to describe my internal thoughts to my parents, especially when they still seem a bit confused when I say that in retrospect, I had these issues for a long time.  I just was unable to hide them anymore after a certain point, and that also is when I stopped denying that I was sick and that I actually needed help otherwise there would be a good chance I would die.  They mean well, and they want to understand, but it is hard for me to really explain, especially in a way that does not hurt them.  I still sometimes think that they feel like they've done something wrong when I say that, even when I assure them that nothing can be further from the truth.  Maybe I'm reading too much into it, since I am prone to doing things like that.

My being better does not mean my suicidal ideations have gone away, and I sometimes feel terrible about that.  But I remember in high school there was more than one occasion where I got dangerously close to swallowing a whole fuck ton of pills because I thought that it would be better than dealing with my own perfectionism and self-hatred that I for some reason could not find an escape from.  I spilled them out onto my bed and stared at them after looking up how many I would need.  Each time I caught myself, luckily, and erased any evidence that such things were on my mind. 

And the next day, I went about my business as normal.  Acting like the confident self-possessed person I wished I truly was.

Maybe it was easier in high school to pretend, because it was easier to excel, in a way.  I tied my worth to my work, and in high school, I found that many things came naturally to me and I was not yet burning out like I would years later in grad school.  Since I got all As all the time, I was able to at least play the part of the confident teenager, though the cracks began to show whenever I stumbled.  I would berate myself mercilessly whenever I did poorly on...anything, really.  (And 'poorly' for me usually meant like a B+ or below.  Sometimes even an A- I was unhappy with depending on the subject.)  Many times that manifested as anger and I lashed out. 

But overall, I did well. 

Undergrad began sort of picking things apart with certain subjects.  Computer science was one that got to me; I did well in the end due to getting a last minute tutor to help with my final project and I creatively found answers online and all that.  It was frustrating - it was a topic I truly could not understand, and I hated that.  I still have problems with programming even in my statistics software because certain things I just don't get for some reason.  I didn't know how exactly to handle it.  While I struggled a little bit in high school with biology, I eventually got it (or at least parts of it...enough to do well).  I never got computer science.  It was a huge blow, in all honesty.

I had to be perfect in order for others to love or like me.  For me to be worthy of living.

And I never got involved with romance because I did not like the idea of depending on another human being like that.  Also I just never saw people that way, really.  Even in high school I wondered if something was wrong with me because I didn't have crushes and didn't want to have them.  (I'm probably on the acearo spectrum, truthfully, but I didn't know that at the time.)  When the ex showed up I was confused and scared and I didn't know what to do.

Of course, I made a super bad decision - I got with him and did not recognize the signs of manipulation until far after we broke up.  And since he had his own issues, I could not really open up about my own, though I can't entirely blame that on him - I was closed off about some of my own problems because I did not want him to know about them.  I was supposed to be strong for him because I could handle it.  So I thought.  In reality, my own need to attend to his happiness (even if I was failing) along with his manipulative games and rhetoric chipped away at me until I was basically just a shadow.  Or rather, until my inner turmoil finally spilled over to the surface, and I wasn't able to hide behind the mask as much anymore.

And then he left in the worst possible way.  He left partially because he said he sucked the life out of me, and while that is majorly true...it is also true that it was my own sadness and depression that showed its ugly head.  Rather than deal with me and try to help me, he left.  He said he no longer loved me, and I believe that is true.  But I think he stopped when I started to show my sadness.

That fucked me up.

I loved him through his depression and his aches and wanted to help him.  When I stopped being so cheerful, he stopped loving me and left.  Not only did he leave, but he then played with me and my emotions and took advantage of my compassion and my love and made it even more difficult for me. 

So of course, who would love me with my sadness?  My self-hatred and perfectionism?  Who could?  My family was the answer, and even then I told myself that they were sick of me and would be better off without me around.  People loved the mask - but did they love me? 

No, I told myself.

And I tried so hard to continue wearing the mask but he was the catalyst that shattered it and made it practically impossible to repair.  Grad school then came in like a freight train and destroyed what little self worth I felt I had left.

Even now, my worth is tied to that degree - I need to get it, otherwise I am a failure and should be discarded.

Luckily, I now at least have a voice in my head that lobbies for me; when that other self tells me to drive off a cliff or jump from a building or swallow a bottle of pills or whatnot...there is a voice arguing against it.  It is sometimes soft, but I've been trying to strengthen it.  But...it doesn't always win; my hand is stayed often because of my own fears than my own belief of self-worth.

And of course, Callie.  I attribute her to saving my life because I needed to be there for her.  There were times where I believed that she would be okay without me, but...she is my rock and the light of my life and I told her I would not leave her.  I don't want to break that promise. 

Instead of even trying to do any sort of work on the second chapter of my dissertation I instead sat around all day in my room playing games on my phone like a shithead.

I know I'm still at my parents' place but I really fucking need to get my shit together. 

I feel like I say this to myself every few weeks and nothing changes.  I'm too stuck in my habits and I need some sort of outside coercion that I do not have. 

And I've just been mulling about lost friends and shit instead of saying 'fuck it' and acknowledging that they were always going to be temporary and never ones who would make a lasting impact in my life.



Also I wish I could draw so that I could make some extra cash on like...commissions (if I was lucky enough to get anyone anyway) but I'm too impatient to really learn, I've come to fully realize.  Unfortunately, writing isn't seen in the same way.

I've been overall better at not caring what other people think in terms of the topics I choose to write about. 

But for some reason today I've been feeling sick thinking about how people have pointed at my work to accuse me of bullshit that I never would do, and to mock me for wanting to express my own pain through writing about painful things.

How these people are popular in the fandom I'm most active in and try to take safe haven in, and how my 'friends' (I guess but not really anymore) have basically not given two shits that these people made me feel like garbage and have instead said how great they are and everything.

I'm just...again, really expendable.  It's easy for people to be rid of me, while they would fight for their other friends.

And this is all fucking stupid anyway.  All I want to do is write shit.

I hate not being able to write.

Writing is one of the few things I think I am actually good at (and even then, my creative writing is eh, but it is cathartic) and so it frustrates me when I go on my laptop with the intention of writing something and then end up just staring at blank documents and mindlessly doing other stupid shit.

And like I have an outline for this next oneshot thing I want to write but I can't seem to get the words so I keep just adding to it/changing it and stuff.

Plus I sort of want to delve into writing a longfic thing again; I have an AU thing that sounds like it could be a lot of fun but I need to finish the multichap I haven't updated since April 2017 before I even think about diving into something new.

Like...I know fic writing can be silly but it is something I enjoy.  Plus there is an anxiety about me not fic writing - I am already convinced now that online friends are, well, temporary to put it nicely.  If I want to stay relevant I need to be writing constantly; not doing that means I'm fading into obscurity and shit.  People won't care unless I write things.

Maybe having that fear actually is harming my creative output? 


Also unrelated but I am very frustrated still with the way I look.  I know it is because of medication and I know I am being really shallow but it is annoying when I was working out and nothing was happening and I haven't been doing that (trainer is looking for a new lease somewhere) and so I feel like its been worse.  Doctor did say that maybe if I start to feel better we can lower my zoloft dosage (since that is the one that seems to cause easy weight gain/hard to lose) while I guess keeping my welbutrin the same or something.  Not sure.

I asked about bipolar disorder, since I started thinking that could be a thing given the high productive periods I get followed by extremely low episodes.  Doc said he didn't think it was that, but that we should keep it in mind and stuff. 

I know I'm so much better than I was a few years ago.  People have told me.  People were legitimately scared that someone would find me dead by my own hand.  It was a legitimate fear to have.  Now it sometimes feels like...I should not have those thoughts, since I'm better than I was.  And while they're not as loud and not as urgent, they are still there.  Once in a while I do fight them with a true honest desire to be happy and alive.  But other times...they just sit in the back of my mind, whispering and never truly disappearing.

And at times I just get tired.  Tired of constantly fighting this battle in my own head.  Like...I'm better and I have times where I feel uplifted but I still would not say I am happy.  Happiness in brief periods?  Sure.  Especially with my nieces, honestly.  I didn't think I could love two little humans as much as I love them. 

But happy in life?  No, I don't think I really am.  Still.   

My anxiety just tells me again and again that I will never be happy in life.  I will never find a job I truly love.  I have a weird relationship with sexuality and romantic love, so I'll likely be alone - which is something I am fine with, really (honestly I like my own space too much again now), but I fear others finding those things and leaving me behind as a result.  That's selfish, I know, but it has happened over and over and over again and so I go into a weird and sometimes inconsolable panic when I start to think history is repeating itself. 


I'm going to try and write these sorts of things here again.  I know I've said this multiple times, but...its good to talk about and on tumblr I sometimes feel I'm oversharing and/or I say less out of fear of someone's judgment.  Here I feel like I can kind of just let things out.  Even if it is only a few times a week or even a month, it is better than me just sort of mulling everything around in my head over and over again. 

Every once in a while I come back here to complain or be sad rather than expose my shit to tumblr, which has landed me in hot water recently.

But I am sorry that I cannot see how you could possibly care about me the way you say when you basically had to ask me why I would want what I asked for. She is cruel and heartless in my eyes, and you...do not care enough to really bother with my feelings anymore. Which is partially my own fault - I isolated myself after she did what she did because I was paranoid and would rather speak to no one than have to deal with the sort of pain that comes with knowing that a friend could toss you away without regret or a second thought simply because you like things in fiction that they do not.

And slightly but mostly unrelated I am sick of people being shitty over my ship in vld like I hate the entitled fan culture and the just vile nastiness and yet I cannot stay away the drama is like a drug that I hate and I know is bad for me but I cant seem to tear myself away from long enough to get sober.

I have been sad and that voice wont leave me alone.

tumblr discourse is fucking stupid

But it did sort of open my eyes to something: don't really expect certain individuals to come to your aid/support you.  accept that, and accept that what you had with some of these people you thought you were close with was temporary.  it's sad, a bit, but you'll get over it.  

Also, stop becoming obsessive over those who hurt you.  pity them, if anything, because a lot of them have apparently shitty lives and therefore have nothing better to do than to ridicule people over fiction on the internet. 

write what you want, and if people think you disgusting because your stuff is dark and graphic and violent?  then...let them.  your work is not for them.  ultimately it is for yourself - your write these things to explore your own thoughts and emotions through characters and themes, and you don't owe anyone an explanation for the things you do.  (plus, with like one exception, none of the people who were shitting on you are even content creators to begin with.) 

emulate seto freaken kaiba.  do what you want, and don't give a shit about anyone's opinions unless they are someone you respect.

also watch more ygo when you're sad.  it cheers you up