Oh, and before I forget; Nancy told me something in our last session that I need to think about more, because it really is important:
My motivation when I was younger was fear. That's why I was able to do things diligently and obsessively. Now that fear has (not completely disappeared but slightly) dissipated. I'm trying to figure out what I actually like and what I actually want and the unknown is...scary to me.
The fear of disappointing people is still there, but I guess knowing more about myself (as little as I do know) and examining my own head has made it no longer the primary motivation to do things. And since I can't seem to find a good replacement, I've been standing in place, metaphorically speaking.
Monday, September 24, 2018
Well, remind me to not get into stupid twitter fights over fandom nonsense again.
Basically, someone wrote something like "I know nothing about voltron but I do know sheith is BAD." I know that there is a ton of misinformation that gets spread around, especially to those outside the fandom, so I replied with something akin to, "it's not, the staff have supported it and please don't jump to conclusions about stuff when you don't know the source material. Also you've probably been lied to."
Here I was, stupidly expecting some sort of actual conversation.
Instead, I was screamed at; the person did not at all like when I said Voltron did not queerbait - because queerbaiting by its classical definition is when a character is consistently teased to be lgbtq+ but the writers never confirm it or habitually deny it (Supernatural is one of the biggest cases, especially with Dean and Cas). Here, it is not the case; Shiro is confirmed gay, so...not queerbaiting. Despite my trying to explain this, I kept saying that the definition they were using was not the classic definition (I even tried to throw them a bone with "maybe the definition has changed or something idk" but they ignored that). I even tried to give some clout to the "bury your gays" trope, even though I also think that is a bullshit claim from antis who ship klance and are pissed that Shiro's ex was killed because it makes Keith the most obvious romantic choice for Shiro afterwards. But I digress.
Eventually, this devolves further until they are just sending me dumb reaction pictures that mean nothing. So I say, "okay since you've regressed into a child and I don't debate children, we are done." I've always wanted to use that line on an anti, because although they constantly seem to want to be children, they don't appreciate when someone treats them as such in the sense of "okay, you're having a tantrum so I'm going to ignore you and stuff." And lo and behold, person freaked out and said I was treating them like a child because I was not listening to them. When, you know, I tried to calmly explain my own side's POV and give some sources here and there (not a lot; I didn't have time to do so). Maybe I was a bit condescending after a while, but I can't blame myself for that when the person you're talking to just screams the same thing over and over again and does not entertain your own points.
Eventually resulted in a mutual block so I mean at least that came out of it.
Strange though, I felt adrenaline but did not feel angry or anxious or anything. I was shaking only from being in an argument - because that's what happens - but I felt nothing but exasperation and mild amusement. Which I guess is...good? I mean this situation might have caused me to become a mess not too long ago, so I guess it is good. Maybe because it was someone I don't care about and will never respect and once I found out they were actually just an anti I definitely knew they were a lost cause. I have zero respect for antis - I find them to be vile little monsters so...maybe that helped.
Unrelated, but I've been having trouble focusing once again, which has been a huge problem. Though should I say "once again" when it has been pretty consistently bad for a while? I think the only time I was able to hyper-focus recently was when I wrote that ~7.5k sheith fic in two (three with editing) days. Which only happened because I had a huge strike of inspiration thanks to a popular artist. I've been trying to write part 2 but its been slow because the inspiration has left and I basically find that writing for more than an hour (if that) gets me antsy. If that is the right word? It's hard to describe - it's like my brain glazes over and I can't think properly or come up with much.
I probably need to try exercising again; I've been waiting for my trainer but it's been a few months and she still hasn't been able to find a new place for us. But my eating schedule has been so out of whack that finding a time would be strange, since I need to eat like...4 hours ahead of time at minimum and 5 at max, usually. Plus I am a bit afraid to go back and be angry that I can't do as much as I once did. I know logically I should take things easier until I can get my body used to the idea of working out again, but my brain berates me every time I regress.
And like...I really want to go back with my trainer? Working out by myself sucks - it isn't fun and I give up easier because I'm hyperfocused on what hurts and stuff. With her it was fun. Plus, I miss MMA/kickboxing stuff and I can't really do that on my own. I've just been blah so I can't really conjure the energy. But then again, maybe I can't conjure the energy because I haven't done anything. (Mental illness is fun, kids!)
Every time I look at my work too, I'm just discouraged. My adviser talked with me about things - I won't be going on the market right now because we agreed that I'm not ready (and he is a bit afraid of me presenting, which is not an unreasonable fear). And while part of me is grateful for the alleviation of that pressure, another part is screaming how I'm a failure for taking so long to get this thing done. But...I'm trying. I am, when I can. It's strange how often I lie in bed and tell myself to get up and do xyz and then just...don't. I wish I could call it laziness (even though I also fear that is what it is) because it's...different. It's not me not wanting to do things...it is just being unable to do them for some reason. Not sure if that is an executive dysfunction thing or not. (Which if it is, can be attributed to my not going to the gym problem too maybe.)
I dunno. I'm just so sick of this whole depression/anxiety thing, even when it is "managed." It makes it hard for me to do productive shit unless I'm in that semi-mania mode (not sure if I should call it that, because that points to Bipolar stuff which is still questioned but undiagnosed). Like even when I wrote that fic, I might have had that sort of going on - I literally wrote for hours nonstop without realizing it. It was a few hours the first day and then the second was from the time I woke up to the time I slept. That's not fucking normal.
Every time I think about this I wonder if I should ask for some meds to help me focus, but I'm afraid of coming across as someone who just wants them for the wrong reasons.
Also my sleep schedule is terrible as of late. Can't go to bed until like...3/4 and then waking up around 11 usually. Even when I wake up earlier, I'm finding it difficult to sleep before 3 for some reason. (Which is weird; I'll be tired in the middle of the day/early evening when it is still too early to sleep, and then I'll be wide awake at midnight it is annoying.)
And since it is 2 am now, I ought to try sleeping. There's more I should write but maybe I'll try tomorrow.
Basically, someone wrote something like "I know nothing about voltron but I do know sheith is BAD." I know that there is a ton of misinformation that gets spread around, especially to those outside the fandom, so I replied with something akin to, "it's not, the staff have supported it and please don't jump to conclusions about stuff when you don't know the source material. Also you've probably been lied to."
Here I was, stupidly expecting some sort of actual conversation.
Instead, I was screamed at; the person did not at all like when I said Voltron did not queerbait - because queerbaiting by its classical definition is when a character is consistently teased to be lgbtq+ but the writers never confirm it or habitually deny it (Supernatural is one of the biggest cases, especially with Dean and Cas). Here, it is not the case; Shiro is confirmed gay, so...not queerbaiting. Despite my trying to explain this, I kept saying that the definition they were using was not the classic definition (I even tried to throw them a bone with "maybe the definition has changed or something idk" but they ignored that). I even tried to give some clout to the "bury your gays" trope, even though I also think that is a bullshit claim from antis who ship klance and are pissed that Shiro's ex was killed because it makes Keith the most obvious romantic choice for Shiro afterwards. But I digress.
Eventually, this devolves further until they are just sending me dumb reaction pictures that mean nothing. So I say, "okay since you've regressed into a child and I don't debate children, we are done." I've always wanted to use that line on an anti, because although they constantly seem to want to be children, they don't appreciate when someone treats them as such in the sense of "okay, you're having a tantrum so I'm going to ignore you and stuff." And lo and behold, person freaked out and said I was treating them like a child because I was not listening to them. When, you know, I tried to calmly explain my own side's POV and give some sources here and there (not a lot; I didn't have time to do so). Maybe I was a bit condescending after a while, but I can't blame myself for that when the person you're talking to just screams the same thing over and over again and does not entertain your own points.
Eventually resulted in a mutual block so I mean at least that came out of it.
Strange though, I felt adrenaline but did not feel angry or anxious or anything. I was shaking only from being in an argument - because that's what happens - but I felt nothing but exasperation and mild amusement. Which I guess is...good? I mean this situation might have caused me to become a mess not too long ago, so I guess it is good. Maybe because it was someone I don't care about and will never respect and once I found out they were actually just an anti I definitely knew they were a lost cause. I have zero respect for antis - I find them to be vile little monsters so...maybe that helped.
Unrelated, but I've been having trouble focusing once again, which has been a huge problem. Though should I say "once again" when it has been pretty consistently bad for a while? I think the only time I was able to hyper-focus recently was when I wrote that ~7.5k sheith fic in two (three with editing) days. Which only happened because I had a huge strike of inspiration thanks to a popular artist. I've been trying to write part 2 but its been slow because the inspiration has left and I basically find that writing for more than an hour (if that) gets me antsy. If that is the right word? It's hard to describe - it's like my brain glazes over and I can't think properly or come up with much.
I probably need to try exercising again; I've been waiting for my trainer but it's been a few months and she still hasn't been able to find a new place for us. But my eating schedule has been so out of whack that finding a time would be strange, since I need to eat like...4 hours ahead of time at minimum and 5 at max, usually. Plus I am a bit afraid to go back and be angry that I can't do as much as I once did. I know logically I should take things easier until I can get my body used to the idea of working out again, but my brain berates me every time I regress.
And like...I really want to go back with my trainer? Working out by myself sucks - it isn't fun and I give up easier because I'm hyperfocused on what hurts and stuff. With her it was fun. Plus, I miss MMA/kickboxing stuff and I can't really do that on my own. I've just been blah so I can't really conjure the energy. But then again, maybe I can't conjure the energy because I haven't done anything. (Mental illness is fun, kids!)
Every time I look at my work too, I'm just discouraged. My adviser talked with me about things - I won't be going on the market right now because we agreed that I'm not ready (and he is a bit afraid of me presenting, which is not an unreasonable fear). And while part of me is grateful for the alleviation of that pressure, another part is screaming how I'm a failure for taking so long to get this thing done. But...I'm trying. I am, when I can. It's strange how often I lie in bed and tell myself to get up and do xyz and then just...don't. I wish I could call it laziness (even though I also fear that is what it is) because it's...different. It's not me not wanting to do things...it is just being unable to do them for some reason. Not sure if that is an executive dysfunction thing or not. (Which if it is, can be attributed to my not going to the gym problem too maybe.)
I dunno. I'm just so sick of this whole depression/anxiety thing, even when it is "managed." It makes it hard for me to do productive shit unless I'm in that semi-mania mode (not sure if I should call it that, because that points to Bipolar stuff which is still questioned but undiagnosed). Like even when I wrote that fic, I might have had that sort of going on - I literally wrote for hours nonstop without realizing it. It was a few hours the first day and then the second was from the time I woke up to the time I slept. That's not fucking normal.
Every time I think about this I wonder if I should ask for some meds to help me focus, but I'm afraid of coming across as someone who just wants them for the wrong reasons.
Also my sleep schedule is terrible as of late. Can't go to bed until like...3/4 and then waking up around 11 usually. Even when I wake up earlier, I'm finding it difficult to sleep before 3 for some reason. (Which is weird; I'll be tired in the middle of the day/early evening when it is still too early to sleep, and then I'll be wide awake at midnight it is annoying.)
And since it is 2 am now, I ought to try sleeping. There's more I should write but maybe I'll try tomorrow.
Thursday, September 20, 2018
I need a break from fandom discourse nonsense.
Like it is terrible and because my mood has been so shitty it's been affecting me more than even usual. It shouldn't affect me at all because it is dumb as fuck and it is fueled by a bunch of teenagers being shitty and vile but I've just been upset by things.
But it is like an addiction for me to continually search things it is fucking weird and I just suck in general.
I should try to actually type something in here tomorrow instead of being on mobile.
Wednesday, September 12, 2018
I really ought to get something to eat soon. Really should have done so over an hour ago but. Oh well. It's not like I care that much.
Strange how I can actually have a day of being semi-productive and it still feels like I've done absolutely nothing. Possibly because I missed my doctor's appointment this morning due to my oversleeping/apparently turning off my alarm in my sleep (or just sleeping through it). I've been tired again a lot lately, which isn't that surprising given my mood. Luckily I got my refill of Zoloft (though I need to do insurance things tomorrow because something happened and stuff), so idk maybe I won't feel as horrible and tired again soon who the fuck knows.
Rejection from journal still hurts deeply, even though in a way I sort of understand it. I could not bring myself to read the reviews just yet; I'm too afraid of what they have to say, even though my adviser told me that apparently it was like...a "positive rejection" or whatever. And I know logically that means the reviews actually say something worthwhile and stuff and perhaps aren't just "lolol you fucking suck get out of here" but I still can't read them. Not right now.
Last week, adviser asked me if I wanted to look at research or teaching institutions and at the time I told him that what I wanted depended on my mood. Which isn't a lie, but after getting that I'm thinking I would have better chances at a teaching university just based on my experience. While I have one publication from undergrad and that's it (and I guess have worked on a few projects here and there), I have TAed undergrads 5 times, graduates 3 times, have taught 4 of my own designed courses (one taught twice), and will have at least two more of my own courses by the end of the Spring.
Not...entirely sure how that looks objectively, but it is obvious my teaching experience blows my research experience out of the water. Regardless of what I want (which again, varies with the fucking wind at this rate), I am wondering if a teaching school would look at all of my teaching experience as a strength that can overlook my lack of publications or something.
Like...I know this is application season for next year, but without that publication I feel like I don't really have the ability to be marketable. I probably should not have thrown all my eggs into that basket considering how introductory that chapter is...but we all know I'm terrible at most things, really so it isn't surprising.
Idk I probably should see if my adviser is in tomorrow or something. I'm sure he doesn't want to deal with my moping, though, and my tendency to not do shit because I can't seem to conjure up the necessary energy to get things done.
Honestly the most productive I've been lately was when I wrote that ~7500 word fic in like two days because I couldn't get it out of my head. Which says so much about my brain's skewed priorities.
Strange how I can actually have a day of being semi-productive and it still feels like I've done absolutely nothing. Possibly because I missed my doctor's appointment this morning due to my oversleeping/apparently turning off my alarm in my sleep (or just sleeping through it). I've been tired again a lot lately, which isn't that surprising given my mood. Luckily I got my refill of Zoloft (though I need to do insurance things tomorrow because something happened and stuff), so idk maybe I won't feel as horrible and tired again soon who the fuck knows.
Rejection from journal still hurts deeply, even though in a way I sort of understand it. I could not bring myself to read the reviews just yet; I'm too afraid of what they have to say, even though my adviser told me that apparently it was like...a "positive rejection" or whatever. And I know logically that means the reviews actually say something worthwhile and stuff and perhaps aren't just "lolol you fucking suck get out of here" but I still can't read them. Not right now.
Last week, adviser asked me if I wanted to look at research or teaching institutions and at the time I told him that what I wanted depended on my mood. Which isn't a lie, but after getting that I'm thinking I would have better chances at a teaching university just based on my experience. While I have one publication from undergrad and that's it (and I guess have worked on a few projects here and there), I have TAed undergrads 5 times, graduates 3 times, have taught 4 of my own designed courses (one taught twice), and will have at least two more of my own courses by the end of the Spring.
Not...entirely sure how that looks objectively, but it is obvious my teaching experience blows my research experience out of the water. Regardless of what I want (which again, varies with the fucking wind at this rate), I am wondering if a teaching school would look at all of my teaching experience as a strength that can overlook my lack of publications or something.
Like...I know this is application season for next year, but without that publication I feel like I don't really have the ability to be marketable. I probably should not have thrown all my eggs into that basket considering how introductory that chapter is...but we all know I'm terrible at most things, really so it isn't surprising.
Idk I probably should see if my adviser is in tomorrow or something. I'm sure he doesn't want to deal with my moping, though, and my tendency to not do shit because I can't seem to conjure up the necessary energy to get things done.
Honestly the most productive I've been lately was when I wrote that ~7500 word fic in like two days because I couldn't get it out of my head. Which says so much about my brain's skewed priorities.
Tuesday, September 11, 2018
Lol I've done nothing but play ffxv all day bc I was sad about rejection notice.
And now I'm doing that thing where I start thinking about just trying to write things on amazon for like extra cash or something but I would need to go headfirst into that to make anything worthwhile. Like hell if I could pump out smut stories and have them sell even a bit to make me like $100 extra a month or something that'd be cool.
Idk it would be fun to just be able to write fun shit on my own but I know that is majorly luck too and stuff so...
Again, just...fearing that nothing will really speak to me and I will be trapped in cages forever.
Just give up - your work is garbage, you cannot handle a simple rejection and you have nothing to offer what others cannot already do better.
It would be better, wouldn't it? That way you could stop pretending like you might have a place that makes you happy, your parents could be free of you and your constant need for support, your nieces would not have to know how much you suck, your dog would be happier with people who actually are happy...
Spiralling is fun
Saturday, September 8, 2018
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