I really ought to get something to eat soon.  Really should have done so over an hour ago but.  Oh well.  It's not like I care that much.

Strange how I can actually have a day of being semi-productive and it still feels like I've done absolutely nothing.  Possibly because I missed my doctor's appointment this morning due to my oversleeping/apparently turning off my alarm in my sleep (or just sleeping through it).  I've been tired again a lot lately, which isn't that surprising given my mood.  Luckily I got my refill of Zoloft (though I need to do insurance things tomorrow because something happened and stuff), so idk maybe I won't feel as horrible and tired again soon who the fuck knows.

Rejection from journal still hurts deeply, even though in a way I sort of understand it.  I could not bring myself to read the reviews just yet; I'm too afraid of what they have to say, even though my adviser told me that apparently it was like...a "positive rejection" or whatever.  And I know logically that means the reviews actually say something worthwhile and stuff and perhaps aren't just "lolol you fucking suck get out of here" but I still can't read them.  Not right now.

Last week, adviser asked me if I wanted to look at research or teaching institutions and at the time I told him that what I wanted depended on my mood.  Which isn't a lie, but after getting that I'm thinking I would have better chances at a teaching university just based on my experience.  While I have one publication from undergrad and that's it (and I guess have worked on a few projects here and there), I have TAed undergrads 5 times, graduates 3 times, have taught 4 of my own designed courses (one taught twice), and will have at least two more of my own courses by the end of the Spring. 

Not...entirely sure how that looks objectively, but it is obvious my teaching experience blows my research experience out of the water.  Regardless of what I want (which again, varies with the fucking wind at this rate), I am wondering if a teaching school would look at all of my teaching experience as a strength that can overlook my lack of publications or something.

Like...I know this is application season for next year, but without that publication I feel like I don't really have the ability to be marketable.  I probably should not have thrown all my eggs into that basket considering how introductory that chapter is...but we all know I'm terrible at most things, really so it isn't surprising.

Idk I probably should see if my adviser is in tomorrow or something.  I'm sure he doesn't want to deal with my moping, though, and my tendency to not do shit because I can't seem to conjure up the necessary energy to get things done.

Honestly the most productive I've been lately was when I wrote that ~7500 word fic in like two days because I couldn't get it out of my head.  Which says so much about my brain's skewed priorities.