Well, remind me to not get into stupid twitter fights over fandom nonsense again.

Basically, someone wrote something like "I know nothing about voltron but I do know sheith is BAD."  I know that there is a ton of misinformation that gets spread around, especially to those outside the fandom, so I replied with something akin to, "it's not, the staff have supported it and please don't jump to conclusions about stuff when you don't know the source material.  Also you've probably been lied to."

Here I was, stupidly expecting some sort of actual conversation.

Instead, I was screamed at; the person did not at all like when I said Voltron did not queerbait - because queerbaiting by its classical definition is when a character is consistently teased to be lgbtq+ but the writers never confirm it or habitually deny it (Supernatural is one of the biggest cases, especially with Dean and Cas).  Here, it is not the case; Shiro is confirmed gay, so...not queerbaiting.  Despite my trying to explain this, I kept saying that the definition they were using was not the classic definition (I even tried to throw them a bone with "maybe the definition has changed or something idk" but they ignored that).  I even tried to give some clout to the "bury your gays" trope, even though I also think that is a bullshit claim from antis who ship klance and are pissed that Shiro's ex was killed because it makes Keith the most obvious romantic choice for Shiro afterwards.  But I digress.

Eventually, this devolves further until they are just sending me dumb reaction pictures that mean nothing.  So I say, "okay since you've regressed into a child and I don't debate children, we are done."  I've always wanted to use that line on an anti, because although they constantly seem to want to be children, they don't appreciate when someone treats them as such in the sense of "okay, you're having a tantrum so I'm going to ignore you and stuff."  And lo and behold, person freaked out and said I was treating them like a child because I was not listening to them.  When, you know, I tried to calmly explain my own side's POV and give some sources here and there (not a lot; I didn't have time to do so).  Maybe I was a bit condescending after a while, but I can't blame myself for that when the person you're talking to just screams the same thing over and over again and does not entertain your own points.

Eventually resulted in a mutual block so I mean at least that came out of it. 

Strange though, I felt adrenaline but did not feel angry or anxious or anything.  I was shaking only from being in an argument - because that's what happens - but I felt nothing but exasperation and mild amusement.  Which I guess is...good?  I mean this situation might have caused me to become a mess not too long ago, so I guess it is good.  Maybe because it was someone I don't care about and will never respect and once I found out they were actually just an anti I definitely knew they were a lost cause.  I have zero respect for antis - I find them to be vile little monsters so...maybe that helped.


Unrelated, but I've been having trouble focusing once again, which has been a huge problem.  Though should I say "once again" when it has been pretty consistently bad for a while?  I think the only time I was able to hyper-focus recently was when I wrote that ~7.5k sheith fic in two (three with editing) days.  Which only happened because I had a huge strike of inspiration thanks to a popular artist.  I've been trying to write part 2 but its been slow because the inspiration has left and I basically find that writing for more than an hour (if that) gets me antsy.  If that is the right word?  It's hard to describe - it's like my brain glazes over and I can't think properly or come up with much. 

I probably need to try exercising again; I've been waiting for my trainer but it's been a few months and she still hasn't been able to find a new place for us.  But my eating schedule has been so out of whack that finding a time would be strange, since I need to eat like...4 hours ahead of time at minimum and 5 at max, usually.  Plus I am a bit afraid to go back and be angry that I can't do as much as I once did.  I know logically I should take things easier until I can get my body used to the idea of working out again, but my brain berates me every time I regress. 

And like...I really want to go back with my trainer?  Working out by myself sucks - it isn't fun and I give up easier because I'm hyperfocused on what hurts and stuff.  With her it was fun.  Plus, I miss MMA/kickboxing stuff and I can't really do that on my own.  I've just been blah so I can't really conjure the energy.  But then again, maybe I can't conjure the energy because I haven't done anything.  (Mental illness is fun, kids!)

Every time I look at my work too, I'm just discouraged.  My adviser talked with me about things - I won't be going on the market right now because we agreed that I'm not ready (and he is a bit afraid of me presenting, which is not an unreasonable fear).  And while part of me is grateful for the alleviation of that pressure, another part is screaming how I'm a failure for taking so long to get this thing done.  But...I'm trying.  I am, when I can.  It's strange how often I lie in bed and tell myself to get up and do xyz and then just...don't.  I wish I could call it laziness (even though I also fear that is what it is) because it's...different.  It's not me not wanting to do things...it is just being unable to do them for some reason.  Not sure if that is an executive dysfunction thing or not.  (Which if it is, can be attributed to my not going to the gym problem too maybe.)

I dunno.  I'm just so sick of this whole depression/anxiety thing, even when it is "managed."  It makes it hard for me to do productive shit unless I'm in that semi-mania mode (not sure if I should call it that, because that points to Bipolar stuff which is still questioned but undiagnosed).  Like even when I wrote that fic, I might have had that sort of going on - I literally wrote for hours nonstop without realizing it.  It was a few hours the first day and then the second was from the time I woke up to the time I slept.  That's not fucking normal. 

Every time I think about this I wonder if I should ask for some meds to help me focus, but I'm afraid of coming across as someone who just wants them for the wrong reasons. 

Also my sleep schedule is terrible as of late.  Can't go to bed until like...3/4 and then waking up around 11 usually.  Even when I wake up earlier, I'm finding it difficult to sleep before 3 for some reason.  (Which is weird; I'll be tired in the middle of the day/early evening when it is still too early to sleep, and then I'll be wide awake at midnight it is annoying.)

And since it is 2 am now, I ought to try sleeping.  There's more I should write but maybe I'll try tomorrow.