New Year stuff

I'm not too in the mood to post anything of substantial length right about now, so maybe later or tomorrow I will for the whole new year and everything.

All in all, 2012 sucked, with some exceptions like meeting new friends and everything.  The fact that I wish I could erase this past year from my memory is darkly hilarious to me, considering I would have said 2011 was one of the best years of my life.  Give and take, I suppose.

Hopefully 2013 will be better for me.  I can only wish for that.

Les Mis

Saw Les Miserables with a friend whom I haven't seen in a while.  It was a lot of fun.  Not the movie, but hanging out with her was.

Truthfully, it wasn't my kind of movie; I thought the music was awesome, but I got very bored.  Plus the whole 'love at first sight' thing always pisses me off.  If it weren't for our inappropriate comments throughout, I probably would have fallen asleep, or something.

Stomach hurts.  Not really anything new there.

As of now, still not sure what is going down for New Year's tomorrow.  Gonna text Brendan when I wake up.

NES

Tempted to buy an NES just because.

Or at least more games for my SNES.

Personal

My stomach hurts, and I feel restless.

I've been thinking.  A dangerous pastime for me, I know.  When I think about certain things it makes my body react in uncomfortable ways, and it reminds me of how messed up I truly am.

The fact that I can be fine one minute, and then swing completely to the opposite side is more than a little distressing.

I was really doing fine all week, to the point where I started thinking that maybe the medication I discussed with my doctor would be unnecessary.  That maybe it was the crazed stress from the end of the year and everything.  A stupid thought, on my part; this doesn't go away.  Truthfully it never really has, I've just always found excuses for it, or tried to hide it behind something else.  It's always really been around; it just has only been recently that I've found it more and more difficult to suppress it in front of others.  Even in times where I was happy, it showed up.  When I was in London and everything...I was sad a lot.  I blamed it on missing people and being homesick, but I don't think that's truly what was going on.

When people meet me, they often find me to be a very upbeat individual.  And truthfully, when I am with friends, a lot of times I feel happy.  I think it is just because the voices of others drown out the one that is inside my head.  I focus on other people because it allows me to not focus on myself.  I want others to be happy, but turn my back on what would help me.

I'm just.  Very sad.  Sad and lonely.  Despite that I have friends and family and people who care for me.

I miss my best friend, who is at her new job and is so far away.  I miss my friend who is doing awesome things in South Korea right now.  I miss my older sisters, who - although I know they will always be there for me - have their significant others and so I see them far less often than I once did.  I miss the guy, even though I saw him not too long ago.  And I miss him, while simultaneously fucking despising him.  At the same time, what's funny with him, is that I still feel like I failed.  I want to make others happy, and I couldn't do it for him.  Even though he didn't deserve me trying, I wanted to anyway.  Until somewhat recently, I wanted to.

I'm a perfectionist because it is the only way I like myself.  When I do well in school, for example, I'm allowed to be happy, for at least a little bit, because I earned it.

I'm not allowed to just...be happy.  I have to earn happiness.

Which is honestly such a fucked up way of thinking, but when I think about it...that has been my mentality for practically my entire life.  Not brought on by anything, mind you.  My parents were always supportive and were always the "if you tried your hardest that is all we can ask for" types.

Really, what is frustrating about all of this is that I have no fucking reason to be sad like this.  I have a fantastic loving family, awesome friends, am in a great program at school, am not financially struggling...there is nothing in my life for me to be sad about.  There's no reason for me to feel so alone.  My breakup?  Yeah, but everyone goes through those, and they don't crash the way I did.  Besides, this is no longer truly about that.  And honestly, I believe that all my breakup did was exacerbate an already existing problem; it did not cause it.  Plus, I should be over it by now, and to an extent, I am.  I no longer carry these fantasies of us meeting up later in life and realizing ~*we were right for each other all along*~

Please.  Excuse me while I throw up everywhere.

No, now I fantasize about seeing him and telling him off the way I should have every other time we saw each other.

But, I digress.

It is still frustrating, though.  It really is.


This should probably go into my private journal.  Oh well.

Looks like I won't be going back to Binghamton for New Year's; he can't make it back, which is understandable, and yet I'm still a little sad about it.

Maybe I'll go up for a weekend after, or something.  I don't know.  I do want to see him, but I don't want to come off as creepy, or anything.

Bah.  I'm not good at this whole thing.  Not at all.


In good news, my Portal bookends came today.  They're sick looking.

Portal 2

Playing Portal 2 with my dad; it's been awesome.

I like getting him into playing more games.  He has some trouble with the xbox controllers; when I tried to introduce him to Resident Evil 5, he got a little frustrated since it is so fast-paced and uses all of the controls quite extensively.  Portal allows you to take more time and everything, so I think he's really enjoying it so far!   He finds GLaDOS really funny, which pleases me.

And I'm loving playing with him, too.

Someone who was in my class was arrested yesterday for stabbing his family.


Really glad I wasn't near campus, honestly.

Engagements

Holy fuck it seems like everyone is getting engaged.

Just.

Stop it.

./WHINES.

I should go to sleep, aha.

Seeing The Hobbit again tomorrow with fam.  And my doctor is supposed to call me back, so hopefully it won't be during then.

Obligatory

Merry Christmas!

It's been nice, not traveling this year.  Nice and relaxing.

Spent some time with Anisha, who I will be visiting again in a little.  Discussed guys old and new, hating on the former and gushing a little over the latter (even though there is nothing official to gush over), exchanged gifts and snuggles with her, and was sad about the fact that this will be the first New Year's in a while where we won't be together.

Got some cool gifts; she got me a gamer chair.  Yeah, like one of the ones where it hooks up and there are speakers in it so its like surround sound or something?  One of those.  Fucking sweet.  I will be testing that out extensively this vacation.  The gifts I handed out were unfortunately lame as fuck, and I blame that on the fact that I didn't shop until Christmas Eve.  Stupid finals.

I want to see more friends.

Had a talk with my dad about some things.  As usual, he was able to cheer me up, hence deletion of previous post.

Still feeling upset, but my dad always helps when I finally work up the courage to tell him about stuff.  I don't know why I hesitate, but I do.  And I know I will in the future.  I didn't even tell him everything, but he knows enough for now, and I suppose that is good for the time being.

It doesn't really feel like Christmas time.  Which is really distressing, actually, since this is usually the time of year I love the most, post-finals and everything like that.  I don't know if it is because my oldest sister is not here, or because my older sister won't be here until tomorrow, or what, but it just feels...I don't know.

I'm just...not as happy as I want to be, especially for this time of year.  I suppose I can blame that on what has been going on with me, but usually it at least goes away for the holidays, albeit temporarily.

I wonder if I should tell my parents about stuff.  They probably know about some things, but I'm not sure the extent, or anything.

My attempts to not think about certain things have been failing, which might be contributing to my mood.

Good news is that two out of my three grades have been posted, both of them being As.

I do want to see guy for New Year's.  I wonder if he wants to see me.

Music

My parents have already been on my case about food and eating, which is actually a good thing.

I still haven't gone Christmas shopping, and I really have little desire to get up and go.  For some reason, I'm really tired, even though I have no reason to be.  Maybe I'll just save my shopping for the day before, which I know is the worst idea ever, but.  Oh well. 

Looking at new music, and I might acquire The Postal Service's album, though I have been avoiding one of their (unfortunately awesome) songs like the plague.  Seriously, I haven't even really listened to Streetlight's cover of it. 

But maybe I'll be able to listen to it again.  I have the same problem with one of Death Cab's songs (which has unfortunately also translated to me avoiding that entire particular album), and I miss listening to them both.  But maybe I'm at a point where I can listen to them again without getting either upset or angry or a combination of both.  Especially since I'm very happy with what has been going on with the new guy, even if I still don't exactly know what is going on.  It just...is nice.  And I hope it'll just get better from here, you know? 

I've been lazy as hell the past two days, and I'm more than okay with this, after the last three or four weeks. 

Back on the Island.  Drive down was fine until I hit the city, as usual.

I'm really tired, so I might just watch Supernatural and go to sleep soon.

My doctor's appointment is scheduled for Monday, so.  There's that.

Last night went well, I'd say.

Probably will try to come up here for New Year's, depending on what he's doing.  I don't want to not see him for over a month.

Done

Holy shit I'm finished with grading.  Which means I'm finished with this semester.

I.  It doesn't feel like it.

But it does feel nice.

I'm sitting here practically upside-down on the couch because why the hell not.

Still hanging with guy, and now might be picking up Anisha at some time from an airport in Elmira.  Both of these things I'm very excited about, despite that I'm very tired.


Sad note: I think I left some of my previous stats homeworks in the computer lab, since I can't find them anywhere.  Which means I'll have to stop by and check tomorrow before leaving.  I hope they're there.  I really could use them.

Grading

I'm spending today grading papers.  Finished one class already, though it was my smaller one.  I'm a little tired, since I couldn't really fall asleep last night, but that's okay.

Hopefully I'll be hanging out with guy tonight.  We wanted to hang out last night, but it got super icy and he didn't feel comfortable driving all the way to my apartment from his house, which was more than okay.  I'd rather him be safe and everything.

The prospect of hanging out with him gives me motivation to get my shit done, actually.  Last night I did one of my essays in an hour because I was trying to finish before he would show up, and tonight, I want to finish grading by 10, since I think that's when he'll be free after his play and everything.  I'm not sure exactly what we're going to do; maybe watch a movie or something!  I have been prodding at him to watch the Avengers, since he hasn't, but I also don't own it.  I would say The Room, but that needs to be done in a group bigger than 2 people.


Supernatural is an awesome show.  I look forward to getting through all the seasons throughout this break.


Also, caught up on Dexter.  Holy fuck that finale.   Holy.  Fuck.

Got a 100 on my filibuster paper, which makes me far far too happy.  Not only that, but my professor wrote at the end that he liked my paper a lot, and that it was well thought out and well organized.

I might try to expand on this research in the future, and maybe try to publish it.

Maybe I can do what I said could be done for future research - I can look at the House data and see how their productivity has been and everything, and then compare that to the Senate to see if there is a substantial difference.

I'm really glad he liked it.

Now I just need to write the rest of his final.  Which I really have little desire to do.  But it must get done.  At least I'm finished with the stats portion.

Alone

Apartment to myself for the next 2-3 days, depending on when I decide to leave.

Hell.  Fucking.  Yes.

Only thing is that my friends also left.  The guy is around, but he's very busy, so as much as I'd like to hang with him, I don't want to burden him or anything like that.

But regardless.

Apartment to myself.

I feel like i should dance around naked or something.

Regression

Spent all day doing a multivariate regression by hand.

It kind of really sucked.  It could have been worse, if I had been doing it alone, but luckily, I was working with someone the whole time.

The worst part is that it alone wasn't the entire stats portion of the assignment.  And I have two essay questions to also complete before being able to hand this in.  While I should do those tonight, so I can spend tomorrow grading, I really don't want to do anymore work.  Plus, I got little sleep last night, so I'm more exhausted than I should be right now.


I received an incredibly funny facebook message today from someone I don't know, claiming that her gay friend has this fantasy of some girl he doesn't know and will never see again beating the shit out of him, and that he would pay this girl $100 an hour to do this.

I...don't even know, man.  I don't even know.

Fun

Today was awesome.  A nice break from all the work and shit that has been going down.

I woke up around one, appropriately, since I spent 14 hours working yesterday and did not get to sleep until five in the morning.  I started cleaning everything so that by the time four or five rolled around and friends got here, things would look nice (though I once again found myself in a situation where things hadn't been cleaned in a while, which angered me, but I'll get to that in a bit).

Carl and Brendan showed up around 4:30, and we headed out to Target to acquire things.  Things like food...but mostly candy.  Oh a lot of candy and stuff was gathered.  I also bought Wii points so that I could download Super Mario 64 on my system.  A great idea, that was.  We also stopped by the liquour store and they each bought a bottle of wine.  I stayed away from the alcohol, for obvious reasons.

We played video games for a long time, actually.  First Mario 64, and then some Brawl, and then Mario Kart.  While I schooled in the first two, I was destroyed in the third.  My god, I am all sorts of awful at Mario Kart.

Then, guy came over also.  We watched Taken, which was, as always, wonderful.  Lots of ice cream and food were consumed, and all was glorious.  We started watching The Grey, but people ended up having to leave.  Carl and Brendan headed out first, and then guy left a few minutes after.  It was nice being able to hang with him by myself for at least a little, as much as I love all of us hanging out together!  Though I immediately was able to tell that I became a little more on-edge when it was just the two of us.  Which was good; a physical involuntary reaction like that means I really do have a thing for him, and I'm not just...convincing myself that I do, if that makes sense.

He said he'd like to come over maybe tomorrow or something and hang out again.  I'm excited about that, honestly.  I still don't know about possible reciprocated feelings, but I'm too much of a wimp to try anything myself.  Like...idk I want to ask him or anything, but I'm really awkward and I ramble a lot when I get nervous about that stuff and yeah.  In short, I have no idea what I'm doing.  I never do.

I think I might come back up for New Years.  I'll have to talk to him and see what he is up to and if maybe he'd be available to hang out, or something.


Now, something that kind of angered me after all this awesome.  I decided I wanted to start seeing all the bills.  So all the ones that are not in my name, I still want to see, because I still need to pay them.  So I told roommate that I wanted to start seeing them.  He didn't seem to understand, but complied, though only gave me the gas bills.  I said I also wanted to see the internet bill, and he replied it was online; I said I still wanted to see it.  So he forwarded it to me, but remarked that next time he'd "appreciate it" if I "asked more politely."  Now, to be fair, I didn't ask politely at all, because fuck politeness when dealing with him anymore.  So, knowing that if I were to say anything immediately to that, I would explode, I seethed for a little bit in my room.  When I finally figured that I'd be able to say something in response, I remarked how I wanted a chore wheel for next semester because I'm tired of cleaning the entire apartment all the time and the reason why I'm not polite is because I'm incredibly annoyed with him for reasons such as that.  I then muttered under my breath (which he may or may not have heard, I'm not entirely sure, nor do I care) that he doesn't deserve my "politeness" because he doesn't do fucking anything and I'm tired of doing everything around the house.

What did please me was that when I told Brendan this, he remarked that he is an ass and a crazy person who doesn't have any clue as to the fact that he's a dick.  He also said that maybe with all the inconsiderate stuff he does that I point out, the less he can pretend to be anything other than a huge fucking asshole.  I'm not as optimistic; people like my roommate tend to be very "oh I never do anything wrong ever it is everyone around me who suck!"  When in reality, the reason why people can't fucking stand you, is because you are a pompous lazy waste of space.


But other than that confrontation, this was an awesome day.  I still need to grade some papers, finalize grades, and finish one final, but all of this pales in comparison to what I've already done, so I'll be okay.

Today is going to be a good day.

Bought four cartons of ice cream yesterday.  Going to buy some food and rent movies and have my three main dudes over to watch them and eat and play video games and just enjoy ourselves.

We still have one more final to finish, but...I really just want a day to relax and have fun.


Without the drinking.  I don't want a repeat of Saturday night.

This is the worst final.

Holy hell.

Everything I'm writing is crap.


Though my professor did pull me aside and tell me how much he liked having me in class and while I didn't talk much, everything I said was really good.  I liked that.

He's trying to get me to major in comparative.

I might, honestly.  We'll see.

Dumb

No more towers of Long Island during a stressful time.

Why?

Because after not drinking for a while, I decide to pound drinks back after not eating for 9 hours or so, without water.  And then I start throwing up at a bar and acting like a fucking idiot.

Act like that in front of the guy I kinda sorta like?  Yeah, real fucking smart idea, Allison.

Also, when I leave said bar with my friends, something hits me, and I start hysterically crying in the street.  This doesn't stop even after we get up to one of said friend's apartment, where I throw up some more, and reveal to them pretty much fucking everything that goes on inside my head.

Everything.

I just.

The fact that I have friends who are very supportive of me and hugged me close while I revealed all this is amazing, and I couldn't ask for anyone better.

The fact that I got drunk and spilled everything and put all that burden on them is awful, and I partially hate myself more for it.

Poli Sci Problems

Realizing more and more that you're basically arguing that the world sucks and is never really going to get better.  That world peace is an idealistic fantasy because of reasons, and international cooperation is incredibly difficult to achieve in reality.

Man, when did I become so pessimistic?


I would like to try and finish this draft before midnight, if possible, so I could go and drink a tower of Long Island.  That'd be fucking sweet.

Allison, it is time you accepted who you've become.

Embrace it.

You've become a realist more than you ever were before.

It makes sense.

Office

I'm at the office right now.

It's 11 at night.  I just drove back here.

It's 11 on a Friday night.

And I'm at the fucking office.

I'm not pleased.

[Edit] - IT'S ALMOST 3 IN THE MORNING but I think I'm finally done with this paper with the exception of editing which will be so fucking necessary because I'm pretty sure I wrote "significantly significant" at one point instead of "statistically significant" and that was like...an hour ago.  Lord knows my writing probably suffered more at the hour grew later.

I feel as though I've checked out for the semester.  Which is awful, because I still have so much work to do. Too much, if you ask me, but I suppose this is what I signed up for.

Straight up, I think I have a crush.

Whether or not feelings are reciprocated, I do not know.  I figure maybe I should eventually...I don't know, tell him or something.  I'm back into the mode of being both excited and terrified of these types of feelings, and not really...knowing what to do.  What the best path is, I mean.  I've been really busy, so I've tried to not think about it so much.

The fact that I do really like someone though, regardless of whether or not those feelings are returned, is awesome.  Because it shows that I am actually capable of that, when for a while I did not think this sort of thing would happen again.

We'll see what happens!

Hobbit

Movie was awesome.

Play was wonderful.

Company was incredible.

I'm tired, so details are lacking, I know.

Sadly, I need to get back to work tomorrow.

I was curious about something, but things appear to be back to the status quo.

Stomach is hurting, though I'm not really sure why?

I had almost forgotten how much I loathe the filibuster rule (except not really; I've always remembered).  I do need to keep reading stuff on it and everything.  Hopefully I can write something at least halfway decent, considering I got the extension and everything.  Though I don't really know how to go about the data analysis.  I asked Brendan to help me out after class; I hope I'm not bothering him so much.  I feel like I ask him for a lot of help.

Tonight I'm heading over to see the play; I wonder what time I should get there.  Maybe a half hour early?  And then we're going to see The Hobbit.

If I didn't feel so overwhelmed, I think I'd feel much more excited than I do right now.

Extension

As much as I hate asking for them, I ended up requesting an extension for my filibuster paper, because I just have not been able to think about it until today, and I still need to run the t-test/regression on the data which I'm not even sure is correct, plus figure out the lit. review part and everything else.  I asked for the weekend, because even though I'll be getting another final to do on Friday, I like to think it will not take me all weekend.  Actually, having both assignments will force me to not obsess over just one, and allocate my time accordingly.

In theory, anyway.

I'm still going to do as much as I can tonight, and if I can, I will try to finish it, but I seriously doubt that I'll be able to do that and make it somewhat decent.

Really, I do hate asking for extensions, though.  I was told that I need to think of this as a special circumstance; it isn't just all the work, but it is all the work and all the personal stuff that I'm trying to deal with that maybe other people are not.

The medication talk was brought up briefly again.  It's something I'll need to discuss further.

I feel like I'm going to pass out.

This is a combination of everything, I think.  I shouldn't feel as tired as I do, because I actually got a decent amount of sleep last night.  But it might be the stress and everything that is making me feel exhausted and giving me a headache.

I just need to aim for Thursday, at the very least.  Play, and then Hobbit.

It feels like there's way too much in between now and then, though.

Fantasizing

So, when I'm incredibly tired due to a lack of sleep, I begin to fantasize about near-impossible situations, and these provide far too much of a distraction from any work getting done.  Although I am almost finished with one of the books for Wednesday, I really do need to figure out some data or do some sort of research for my paper on the filibuster that is due on Thursday.  That, or figure out a response paper for Wednesday.  As of now, though, I have nothing for that.  I'll have to rely on the other book, or hope some flash of brilliance hits me at some point. 

But fantasizing about becoming best friends with the singer of my favourite band is not going to get any of this work done.  I don't even know why I started thinking about that, but the scenario I have sleepily pictured in my mind is really cool. 

Man, I really do want to see them again.

I am so fucking tired. 

In my final discussion class for my Monday group, I had a few people ask me what sessions I was going to be TA-ing for next semester in the American government class, because they're taking it and they wanted to make sure they get into one of my groups.

That made me very happy, actually.

Finished!

Welp, finished that paper!  And by finished, I mean I have written all of it.  As of now, it remain unedited, and is most likely a steaming pile of hot shit, but it is done for now, and I'll worry about the massive editing project I must undertake tomorrow.

I celebrated its completion by dancing and rocking out in my room to World/Inferno.

Tomorrow I won't be so happy when I realize I still have a reaction paper for Comparative (along with two books to read) and my methods paper for Thursday I've yet to even really think about, but whatever I will allow myself this brief moment to be happy with something big being (mostly) finished.

Thinking about stuff which makes my stomach hurt.  I wonder if I'll eat dinner, since I haven't yet.  I have eaten today, but not a lot, and nothing really...good.  Pretty much all I've consumed has been cookies.  Because cooking requires effort.

I don't want to think about that stuff.  Especially since I'm not done with the paper yet, so all that extra crap is just distracting me.  I need to find one more reference to Waltz to discuss, and then two more paragraphs after that.  It feels like I'm almost done, but finding and dissecting the reference is easier said than done, and I really just don't want to do it.

Fuck I just want one goddamn day where I don't think about sad things.

Identity Crisis

Allison, you are not a neorealist.

You are not a neorealist.

You are not a neorealist.

You're not a realist in any fashion.  Just because you're hanging around with Waltz a lot doesn't mean you get to throw away all you believe.  Just because you have to talk about how influential he has been doesn't mean he is not problematic and that you buy his argument!


Seriously, though, I feel like a neorealist because of all I've been writing.  Even though I really am not one.

Only nerds like me would be seriously concerned about this sort of identity crisis.

I'm feeling sad.

That's normal, but I wanted to write about something other than Waltz for two seconds or so.

I might stop tonight with this paper.  I just.  I can't concentrate.  I'm not feeling up to doing any more of it.  Maybe I'll just read for Wednesday, or something.  As awfully low as my work ethic is right now, I should try to do something, because I really don't have time to be feeling like this and allowing myself to do nothing. I can pick up with the paper tomorrow.  I will have to hope that I'll be more in work-mode than I was today, because writing about two and a half pages for the entire day is abysmal.

Even at the party, I felt sad.  Socializing didn't help me, either.

What I really want to do is sleep.  For a very very long time.

Paper

No motivation to write this thing.

Really, I wish I could just write this:

"WALTZ IS INFLUENTIAL AS FUCK.  MISUSED AS HELL, BUT STILL INFLUENTIAL."

And that's it.

That shit is A-worthy right there.  Publishable too.

TA Assignment

Oh, I forgot to say this: I received my TA assignment for next semester.  As I suspected, the intro to American government class.  Which I was very happy with.  Though I became ecstatic when I saw that I am not TA-ing the same course as my roommate.

Seriously.  I did a fucking dance of joy.

Only thing: as of now, I'm the only American TA for this class.  Which is fine, because the other three are awesome, but I'll be the only one going in with extensive background knowledge on the subject.  When one of the others heard this, he remarked how that would probably mean I'll be the head TA, considering we're all first years, so there is no seniority.  My response was an immediate "...fuck."

Head TAs seem to do substantially more work than the rest of us.  The head TA for comparative is awesome but she formats all the tests and organizes all the meetings and everything like that.  It is all extra work that I really didn't want, but if that is what ends up happening, then so be it, I suppose.

It definitely will be more bearable now that my roommate is not a TA for the same class.  Goddamn, it'll be amazing, actually.


Downloaded another World/Inferno album, also.  It makes me want to see them again.  I'll be looking out for their 2013 tour schedule.  I'd also like to see Streetlight at some point soon, if I can.  I'd go to the show they're having in Allentown, but it is smack in the middle of finals and everything, so I really can't afford to spend the time going over there, unfortunately.  I'll just have to be patient and wait!  

The Hobbit

Just got four tickets to the midnight showing of The Hobbit, and I am far too excite about it.

Before then I'm going to see the play the guy is in, which makes me happy as well.

This good stuff is momentarily distracting me from all my other thoughts and feelings, which is great.

List

I put this into my phone, but I am also going to write down this list of all the stuff I need to do, and the due dates:

- Reaction Paper for World (12/10)
- Waltz Paper for World (12/10)
- Readings for World (12/10)
- Final discussion class lesson plan/quiz for comparative intro (12/10 and 12/12)
         * Need to speak with the other TAs about what we are doing with the final week.
- Homework 4 for Research Methods (12/11)
- Reaction Paper for Comparative (12/12)
- Readings for Comparative (12/12)
- Research Paper for Methods (12/13)
- Grade comparative intro tests (12/14)
- World Final (12/17)
- Comparative Final (12/18)
- Methods Final (12/21)
- Grade comparative intro final essays (12/21)


Man.  I am so fucked.  Especially since I'm having a lot of trouble concentrating and everything with being sick and sad lately.

I'll try to suck it up as much as I can.  I was told that I shouldn't feel bad if I end up needing to ask for extra time, but...man I really hate doing that.  I really, really do.

[Edit] - Downloaded another World/Inferno album that I was missing.  Already a little happier, aha.  Why are they so good.  (Though the timing in which I fell for them is darkly hilarious to me.)

Meh

I am all sorts of fucked up.

And screwed, in terms of assignments.

And still sick.

I'm supposed to set time to myself to write down everything I want to say, or record myself saying things that I want to let out.  It's hard to do the latter when I don't live alone, and...I should do the former, I know.  But something like that will take longer than any of these little entries take.

I realized today how angry I am about the whole London thing.  Angry and really upset about it.  I've been thinking about it a lot lately.  I don't know why; maybe because soon it will have been two years since I went over there, so it's like...my London anniversary or something.  That was, without a doubt, one of the biggest sacrifices I made, and for what?  Nothing.  I was the idiot who thought that if I didn't go everything would be fine, and that my sacrifice would maybe one day be reciprocated or at least appreciated.

Thinking about stuff like this does fuel my dislike and nascent hatred of him, but it also intensifies the anger I feel at myself.  I was told that I need to allow myself to make mistakes like that, that I should tell myself that it is okay to still feel like this and that I'm not to blame, and that, above all else, I need to forgive myself.

I don't know when I'll be able to do that.

Prep work

I'm reading through Waltz's Theory of International Politics, since I've decided that - although I heavily disagree with it - I'm going to write on it for my final paper for my World Politics class.  Despite how much I don't buy Waltz's theory overall, I cannot deny that he has been widely influential in the realm of international relations.  Even if he has been widely misused, as well.  I probably will actually talk about that in my paper.

Still, I am unsure as to how I'm going to structure it.  As of now, I've only been preparing for the paper - trying to organize my notes and stuff in one document.  Right now, I'm just skimming through and writing down quotes I think are important.  Unfortunately, it takes a lot of time.  Fortunately, it allows me to review the book's main points without actually having to reread the whole thing.  (Which is awesome, because this book is unbelievably dry.  I don't think I'd be able to read the whole thing again already.)


Right now, my desk in my office is decorated with Christmas stuff, two memes, and too many song lyrics.  It's sad and loser-ish of me to surround myself with lyrics, but they're usually kind of important to me.  Or I just really like them.  Like, I have a part of "A Better Place, A Better Time" up, for example.  That's one of many, though.  Sadly, I listen to songs and want more and more of them up on my wall in my office.

I kind of like it, even if, at the same time, I find it somewhat pretentious/weird.


[Edit] - I kind of hate myself for still being unable to listen to certain songs because they were on that stupid cd.

According to my mother, I need to think about myself more than I do.  I care so much about pleasing other people that I sacrifice my own happiness and my own desires in order to make everyone else happy.  And while their happiness could please me, sometimes it really is detrimental to everything I want and need.


I wonder if I'm like that because I think other people deserve to be happy more than me.

I'm concerned with how little I give a fuck about anything right now.  Especially with my TA assignments.  I'm just getting angry.  Grading the essay, grading the tests, and then grading the final essay.  And I realize that all the other TAs have the same amount of crap and probably aren't bitching about it in the same manner,  but...I don't know.

I don't like not caring about this stuff.  I mean, not about the TA things, but about my other assignments.  Everything is spilling together and I'm becoming more and more apathetic to everything going on.  I need to actually care.  If I don't, I become listless.

School, in its odd way, while both frustrating me and stressing me out, gives me purpose.  I know that probably is weird to hear and say, but this kind of intellectual work is what keeps me going, oddly enough.

So when I really don't care about it at all, I worry.  It might be just that I feel so overwhelmed (on top of still feeling physically awful) that I've started to take this particular approach in order to handle the stress (even though all I'm actually doing is creating more stress), but still.

./WHINES

I think I need to go to Wellness today or something.

I'm still having coughing fits and still stuffy and my gums are like...swollen around one of my wisdom teeth and fuck it hurts.  I know I probably should have had it pulled, but.  Oh well.  I don't know if anyone there will know about dentistry but maybe they can look at it anyway.

The tooth thing is super frustrating because I just went to the dentist over my break.  He had made a comment about the one being impacted, but he didn't think it was that bad then, and it wasn't nearly as bad now.  It has just gotten very swollen, making me think something might have become infected or something.  I don't know.  I really don't want to have to deal with this until I can head back to my own dentist on the Island, and I'm not entirely sure if they'd take my insurance up here since it is based on the Island.  But on the other hand, if they go "THAT SHIT NEEDS TO BE PULLED," I can't really do that right now either.  I have too many assignments to do.  There is no way I'll be able to do them if I have to get stuff pulled and then am incapacitated for a while because of medication and pain.

Nope.

As much as I try to put off going to Wellness and stuff like that, I think I'll try to go today.  Just to see if maybe they can give me something stronger than I've been taking.  That makes me sound like I'm an addict, going in solely for drugs.  But I really don't care.


[Edit] - Went and got some Penicillin.  Aw yeah medication.

Job talks

We've been having a lot of job talks at the university because there are two (three?) positions available for new professors starting next year.  Usually they give a presentation and then the grad students are supposed to have a meeting with the candidate by ourselves.  I have to say I've been slacking on going to the grad student meetings with them because I've been wanting more time to do work, since I have so much of it lately.

Though I'm going to try to go to whichever ones I can from now on, since we got an email saying only two people showed up to the one today.  I feel bad.  There's so many of them though...I feel like we've been having multiple job talks every week.


Grading is probably the worst thing in the world to do.


Been thinking today about stuff.  Which is dangerous, I know.  Though I suppose that is not unique to just today.  Bah.

I just want the semester to be over.


Before, I was wondering what I'm going to do for New Year's.  I don't know if I'll stay on the Island or if I'll come back up here.  I'll see what people are up to.

Weekend

So although I didn't get a lot of work done this weekend because of McKenna's visit, it was well worth it.  We had tons of fun.  Yesterday after lunch and before the movie, she showed me two episodes of Supernatural, which I really want to watch more of.  But I don't want to get too into any new shows until after all my assignments are finished.

Last night I hosted a showing of The Room - Brendan and Carl had never seen it.  We played a drinking game but didn't get too crazy.  They both loved it (as they should have, because that movie is hilarious).  We want to see if we can go to an actual screening of it at some point, which looks like it could be crazy amounts of fun.  I invited guy over to watch but something happened with his phone; he did show up around midnight, and we all just hung out and talked and had a good time!  He was impressed by my alcohol collection, which makes me appear as though I drink way more than I actually do.  Originally we were going to play Mario Kart 64 on my Wii, but we only got through two matches before guy showed up and we got distracted.  It was really fun though!  And I promised my friends that we'll play again at some point.

I'm glad I had people over.  I've been told that I need to claim my space in the apartment, and I'm pretty sure I did that yesterday.

Drove McKenna back earlier, and got back not too long ago.  On my agenda for today is grading the rest of the Monday class' essays, read the book I was supposed to have read for last week, and maybe write another reaction paper for World.  I don't know if I'm going to get all of that done, and I'm sure I am missing something important on that list, but I'll think of it later.


I've been sleeping with Dewott instead of Wolfy lately.  Doing that on purpose.

Man I am awkward as fuck.  hdjskhdskj

Why am I so bad at this aha.

Gross

Because I'm SUPER HARDCORE (aka: kind of a moron), I decided to have drinks last night despite the fact I've been medicating myself heavily for the past week.  I rationalized that it was only Advil and stuff and that I would be fine.  So I went out and limited myself to two drinks, thinking that wasn't going to kill me.

Well...I was right about it not killing me but I woke up at 4:30 in the morning and quickly ran to the bathroom to throw up all the contents I consumed that evening.  It was kind of disgusting.  I assume that it was because of the combinations of meds plus alcohol.  I could be wrong, but it makes sense.

Sad thing is that I want to go out tonight also and still have drinks.  Allie does not learn.  Or she just enjoys drinking a little too much.

Speaking of, McKenna is visiting this weekend!  She's here right now, still kind of sleeping and stuff.  I have plans to take her to Lost Dog Cafe for lunch, and then we'll see Wreck-It-Ralph.  I'm not entirely sure what we'll do after that, but we'll figure it out.

The guy is in a play that the town is doing - A Christmas Carol, stereotypically yet wonderfully - and I want to go see him.  I'll have to ask when the showtimes are this week!

Somehow, I was able to write an entire response paper somewhat quickly yesterday for my IR class.  I think it was because it was one of those rare times when I had a response in my head while I was reading the book, and did not need to spend hours trying to come up with an idea.  Now I just need to write one more for that, and one more for Comparative, and the small assignments for the year will be finished.  Which means I could then focus on the big stuff.  The final papers and everything.

I really can't wait until the end of the semester.  I just want a month to relax, and have nothing to do.

Still sick.  But it is slowly getting better...I think.  I usually feel better at the end of the day but then wake up feeling awful.  I should have gotten more cold medicine today but I wanted to get back home so I could make it in time to hang out with that guy.

He picked me up and we just went to a local place in Binghamton - I've been there before, but only once - and he got my glass of wine and we just sat around and talked for a few hours.  He had to go to his rehearsal, otherwise we probably would have ended up there a lot longer, which I am more than okay with.  Honestly, he's just really nice and easy to talk to.  I told him I'd like to go see the play he's in when it opens, and I invited him to our eventual Liam Neeson marathon we keep talking about.  Which will probably not be able to happen until after all our assignments are handed in, but it will be awesome, and I'd love for him to make it.

Truthfully, when I think about going home for a month, I get a little sad about the idea of not being able to hang out with him for that long.  Even though we kind of just met.  He's fun, though.  Maybe I'll come back once or so around New Year's, if I don't have anything else to do, and if he would like.  I don't want to make any assumptions!

I have so much work to do, and little desire to do any of it.  That's normal, though.

Grading

There is no possible way all of these papers are going to be graded by 10 in the morning on Thursday.  Since I've been sick, I've been playing catch-up with my own work, and I still am.  Therefore, these papers are not...really going to get looked at until tomorrow night, most likely.  So long as I am finished with my assignment for Thursday, I mean.  I should warn the head TA about this, and she is most likely going to get angry with me, but...I don't know.  If I wasn't practically incapacitated on Sunday and yesterday, I would have been able to get more of my work done for the week, and so, would've been able to get started on these papers earlier.

But since I still have the majority of a book to read, and then another part of a stats homework to do for Thursday...yeah.  Maybe I can get at least half done and say that it is a work in progress and that I'll have the rest of them done as soon as possible.

A friend is visiting me on Friday; I need to go pick her up at her school and drive her back here.  It should be a lot of fun, and I'm really excited to see her, but I hope she doesn't mind if I take an hour or two or something to do work while she is here.  Bad hosting, I know, but I really have so much to do and not nearly enough time to do it all.  I know I should have maybe postponed, but I've been postponing so much on her and I really want to see her, so I might just ask if we could do some work at some point.  Or if I can do work and she play video games for a little.  Not for very long!  I want to take her to the movies and out to bars and stuff, but I really might need to take some time to do work as well.  I just hope she's okay with that.  If not, then I'll just go into work-recluse mode on Sunday after I bring her back and everything.  And I hope to get a lot of stuff done tomorrow, Thursday, and Friday throughout the day.  So...maybe it won't be so bad, work-wise.  I am super pumped she's visiting, though.

I am going out with that guy from the bar Thursday afternoon, too.  Since he has something to do later on that night, it won't turn into an hours-long affair, like our last meeting.  Which I am both pleased with - from a work standpoint - and bummed about - from a 'I want to hang out with this awesome person' standpoint.


I know I said this on my fb, but my lower-case alphas always end up looking like Jesus fish.  And I feel like the more I try to make them look not like that, the more fishy they end up looking.

I'm still really sick.  I even missed class today and have not gotten out of bed with the exception of bathroom and food breaks.  Kind of bummed I won't be able to go to the bar to see that guy, but it is better that I stay inside and try to recover enough so I could go to class tomorrow.  Honestly I shouldn't really get my hopes up about him or anything, we just had one night and yeah we have been texting and yeah I do like him, but it is better I be more pessimistic about everything.

It's a lesson I've learned, I suppose.

I'm also just being lame right now because of how horrible I feel.  I guess bad thoughts surface even more when I'm feeling physically ill.

Though, good news: my friend whom I did my summer fellows project with just asked me if I'd like to try and combine our papers into one and maybe try and get it published.  Which is an awesome idea and I definitely want to.

It would be funny if it does get published; my first work is in mathematics, not political science.

Though...I wouldn't mind doing some future work in math, either.  I do miss it.


[Edit] - Dammit Scramble, you're supposed to be fun, not remind me of things I once said, like 'doop.'  Stop with that.  It makes me angry.  And sad.  But mostly angry.

Sickly

The drive back was awful.  I'm pretty sure we spent more time in traffic than out of it.  I think it ended up being around 7 hours, or something.  Usually I can make the drive between 4 and 4.5.

Also, I am incredibly sick.  I originally thought my throat aching was because of the concert (and honestly it probably is), but now I have a fever and it has been getting worse all day, despite my taking medicine.  I really just want to go back home so my parents could take care of me.

I'm going to cancel my discussion class for tomorrow, since I don't think this is going to get better by then, and it will allow me a few more hours of sleep.  I feel bad, but if I'm like this tomorrow, I don't even know if I'll be able to muster up the strength to go to my own class.

Random

I wanted to give details about the concert, and I will.  I will also give details about Lincoln, which I just saw and was awesome.  But that will be an entry for another time. 

I've been thinking about this no contact thing, and I'm realizing the longer I go not talking to him, the more I've begun to hate him.  Possibly.  It is easier for me to realize all the shit he has pulled and how disgustingly selfish he is and has been when I do not have him as a "friend."  And I use that term loosely because he was a worse friend than he was a boyfriend (at least toward the end).  Since I no longer wish to cling to him and to the idealized version of him that exists and has existed in my mind - which honestly is not an idealized version, but rather how he was prior to everything happening - it is becoming easier for me to dislike him.  

Right now, I will say I still don't hate him.  But I cannot promise that such hatred won't develop. 

I did all I could for him, even when he did not deserve it.  Hell, he doesn't deserve my constant thinking about him, in a positive or negative light.  In return, I was led on and abandoned. 

I tried.  He didn't.  

He ran. 

Therefore, he doesn't deserve me.  Not only as a partner, but as a friend.  As someone who cares about him.  He would probably disagree with this, and claim he hasn't done as many awful things as he has. 

I still hold out hope that the person I originally met still exists, and that maybe I can meet him again.  But I will not entertain the idea of being friends - now or in the future - with the version that I have dealt with recently. 

If he wants to do whatever with whomever, I do not care anymore.  I don't care if it is with that chick, or with anyone fucking else.  (Or at least, I'm going to continue to tell myself that I do not care, until I finally stop caring.)  All I know, at this rate, is that I tried, and was excellent to him.  I did nothing to warrant all of this.  I did not and do not deserve to feel as awful as I do about him.  I should not have to go to fucking counseling because he destroyed me (though to be fair the reason I'm there is not solely because of him), and left me alone to pick up the pieces while he ran around with people like...within a month after breaking up with me.  

I may hate myself at times, and think myself awful, but I did not deserve that.  I deserved someone who truly cared about me.  I do not believe he did. 

At one point he accused me of soiling the memory of our relationship with all my thoughts.  That people say all the types of things we said all the time while in relationships and then eventually break up.  No.  I'm not soiling our memory.  He did.  I'm just interpreting as anyone would.      

Really, I do hate that I can be in a good mood, and then I think about him, and immediately get in a bad mood.  

And I know that this might change.  Tomorrow I might miss him.  Well, I miss him now, but tomorrow I might not think these things about him.  

This might seem as though it is against what I said in a previous entry, that if we are meant to be, then we will be, and that is fine.  It really is not.  A friend recently told me that I need to hate him, for a while.  That I tried to suppress my overwhelming anger and disgust at what he did and how he has been in an effort to remain friends, or rather, on my part, in an effort to get us back together.  That him asking to be friends was worse than anything else, because it forced me to hang onto him, and to keep my anger inside.  Although I did allow it to leak a few times, I tried to suppress it.  I tried to claim that everything was going to be okay.  I tried to believe him when he told me that he would not have done anything with that girl if he knew how upset it would have made me (which I know was a bullshit lie probably just said to appease me).  I told myself that he is not terrible, and has not done terrible things to me, when his track record said otherwise. 

I even said at one point that I was going to try to forgive him.  And I did try.  Even if he would not believe that.  I really did.  

But it was too soon to forgive.  And it is too soon to not be angry.

I'm still mad.  

I don't know when I won't be, for what he did. 

This is rambling and probably incoherent and probably should go into my private blog.  It may be moved later, but for now, I don't care. 

I am tired of writing about him, even though I do it.  I'm just tired of thinking about him.  He doesn't even deserve my hatred.  

What he deserves is my indifference.  For me to not think of him.  At all.  In either a positive or negative light. 

Sadly, that will never happen. 

Wow

Holy.  Fucking.  Shit.

That concert was amazing.  My ears are ringing in the best of ways.

I was right up against the stage.  Carl crowdsurfed.  Jack held my hand at one point.

Details maybe tomorrow.

I bought a record of Anarchy and the Ecstasy because why the fuck not.  Ignore the fact that I do not have a record player.

Smartphone

Acquired a smartphone today!  Instead of the Galaxy s3, I ended up going with a LG Lucid (I think that's what it is called), since it was cheaper and everything.  So far I'm just playing around with it and trying to figure out how to navigate it and everything.

We were supposed to go to the movies today but since we have the concert later we figured we'll just do that tomorrow instead!  I'm really pumped to go.

I should try and do some more work today; I need to try and start figuring out what to write for a reaction paper for my World class.  Unfortunately, my book for Monday still has not arrived.  I am displeased with this.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Today was filled with many noms and family and friends, which was good.  I even tried my hand at Black Friday shopping, but that only lasted for about an hour.

I bought the tickets for the World/Inferno concert tomorrow, and I'm grossly excited.

Unfortunately, I think I left my phone charger at my apartment, and my phone is on its last legs battery-wise.  However, my plan is to get a new phone tomorrow - I want to finally upgrade to a smartphone and get the Galaxy s3.

I don't really have many updates; been working more than I should be for being on vacation, but I'm enjoying being at home.  

Concert

Tomorrow I will be buying four tickets to the World/Inferno concert on Friday.

I am so fucking excited.

I should probably just buy them now but I'm tired, so gonna just do it when I wake up!


I've been texting that guy still, which makes me really happy.

Updates

So my drive down to the Island with friends was awesome.  We just listened to music and chatted and had a great time!  Only thing was once we hit the GW Bridge we got into a lot of traffic and that sucked.  Even though we left around 4:30, we didn't get back until almost 10.  Though that allowed Carl and I to immediately run to Applebee's for half price appetizers.  Which was - as usual - delicious.

Alright, so I said I would talk about meeting that guy, and I shall do it now!  We've been texting back and forth since then so, which has been awesome.

After killing a tower of amaretto sour with friends, we went to a different bar than usual, because Carl said that it was a place where a lot of grad students went.  Since our regular bar was empty (it being a Monday night and all), we went over.  It was really crowded, and much more lively.  There were live musicians playing, and I think it was just amateur night or something, because people were just going up with their guitars and stuff.  Some were really good, and others...eh, not so much.  But still, it was awesome to listen to some live music!

At first we felt a little weird, because it seemed as though everyone knew each other, so we were just standing in the back.  The guy originally just walked past me - I think it was the combination of the leather jacket and the red sweatshirt that really got my attention in the beginning.  And he's really really cute.  Normally I'm not very taken aback by anyone upon first looking at them, but this guy seemed awesome.

Cue me, for the rest of the fucking night, debating whether or not I should talk to him.  It probably annoyed my friends, but whatever.

So anyway, we moved closer to the musicians in the front, partly because we wanted to see them, and also partly because that guy was up there.  For a while he was surrounded by his own friends and stuff, so I didn't want to do anything.  Just look.  I was a huge creeper, kind of.

He actually ended up going up, and he played two or three songs.  And was so good.  I was really impressed.  And that kind of fueled my desire to talk to him even more.

I don't know if this other guy heard me talking about how intimidated I was and how I didn't know if I should go up and talk to him - especially since I knew I wouldn't really be able to take a rejection on that specific night very well (I would just get sad, probably) - because he just walked over to me and started telling me all these wonderful things.  He said that I shouldn't feel intimidated and that he could tell just by looking at me that I was a beautiful person and that I was the most beautiful person at the bar and that I should be confident because of that and everything.  And it was really nice to hear.  I admired that guy's courage too; he took the opportunity to tell me that, and it was really nice of him.  Especially since I usually do doubt myself and think awful things about myself...it's nice sometimes to hear that my own thoughts don't correspond to other people's, and that maybe I'm not as bad as I sometimes think.

Anyway, last call was announced, and the musician guy was standing - finally - by himself.  I decided to just...go up and talk to him.  I offered to buy him a drink since he did so well and he was really thankful and nice (and was impressed that I gave the bartender an awesome tip; she even gave me a high-five because of it), and then we just talked for a while.  He was an English major but is now doing something in web design (which, I don't know if I've said but I'm extremely attracted to computer scientists/engineers/mathematicians/natural scientists...basically people in the STEM fields, so that was awesome), and played the saxophone (so we gushed about that).  We fangirled/boyed a little over Death Cab and Benjamin Gibbard, and I started recommending a bunch of bands to him.

Eventually, though, we were kicked out, so numbers were exchanged.  I drove Carl and Brendan back to their apartments, and I had gotten a text asking if we could hang out more.  Without hesitating I said yes, and I met him back at the bar.  He lead me to his house, and we just sat around and talked for a long time.  I allowed my nerdiness to come out in full force, practically, because I don't think I should hide that ever.  He seemed to like it, or at least not mind.  We ended up cuddling for a little bit, too, and before I knew it, it was five in the morning.

A kiss goodnight happened, and then I was - like I said - beaming the entire way home.

We've been texting back and forth since then, just joking around and stuff.  He's just really sweet and funny and I'm really looking forward to hanging out with him again at some point hopefully.  (Definitely going back to that bar Monday night for sure.)

I haven't felt like this in a long time.  It feels good.


Sometime soon I should post something about the Israel-Palestine conflict happening right now.  If it keeps escalating - which I unfortunately fear that it will - I wonder when the U.S. is going to intervene.

I met an awesome guy tonight.  I'm really glad I summoned the courage to talk to him at the bar.

I just got home.  He had invited me to his house and we just talked for...hours, apparently.  It was really nice.

Hell, I was beaming the entire way back.

Details to come tomorrow or so, because I ought to sleep soon.

Today

I disappointed my class this morning when I showed up around 8 minutes after the time we were supposed to start.  They were probably waiting for the 10-15 minute rule to kick in.  Though since I was late, I decided to not give them the quiz that I had made up for them, which pleased them at the very least.  I didn't wake up until around 8, and then had to get ready and there was a ton of frost and stuff on my car, so...yeah.  Ended up not getting to class until around 8:40.  Oh well.

After class today I have plans for maybe dinner, movies, and then most definitely drinking with friends.  I have no plans on going to the intro lecture tomorrow, which means I will focus on having fun tonight, especially with what day it is.  I was told that I should try to not think about him, but to make today a celebration of myself and my friends and the fact that I have people that really care about me and all that.

Honestly, right now, I'm actually doing better than I thought I would be on this date.  Of course, I am still sad, plus it is early, and I'm very tired, but I'm excited to hang out with people tonight and just forget about what this day would have been in an alternate universe and all that.

I do sometimes wonder if he thinks about this stuff as much as I do.  Probably not, since he's fine and over it, at least it seems, but I still wonder.  I wonder if today still has any special significance to him, despite that it really isn't supposed to be special anymore.

I mean, it's not like it would change anything.  I still wonder, though.  Call it intellectual curiosity if you want.


A drunken post might happen later.  Just warning.

[Edit] - "Red Rubber Ball" is going to have to be my anthem for today.  And for a while after that.

Greenkill

So Greenkill was actually not a terrible time, and it helped that I got to see Dee today and yesterday.  She's pleased with a certain decision, and we ordered pizza last night.  I got to Greenkill at around 8:45 this morning, and spent the day going over cases.  And then, I got to see Joanna too.  Two out of three sister reunions this weekend!  It only would have been better if I could have seen Steph at some point too.  

The only thing is that I haven't done any work for Monday, so I'll be driving back tomorrow and then having to do all of that.  

I'm really unfocused and kind of tired right now so the language in this entry is probably really crap.  Though I have my friends texting me all about some bet they made and the punishment that has been settled on.  I really can't wait for our little field trip. 

Today, when I saw someone I haven't seen since March, she told me that I looked like I lost a lot of weight, and that I "looked really good."  Sometimes I like those comments, and then I feel guilty, because the way I lost weight was incredibly unhealthy, and I'm still somewhat like that.  I don't know.  

London

I miss London.


Even though I love Binghamton and the people here and I don't think I would change anything school-wise...I sometimes wish I looked at schools in England more, and hadn't been guilted into not.  I think I'm just angry that I allowed someone to guilt me into not looking more into London schools.  

I'll see if maybe in the future I can get a grant to do research over there or something, because I can't imagine I won't want to do research on the U.K. at some point while I'm here.

If not, I'll just go over there for a trip myself or something.

I'm feeling very sad.

Maybe I should have gone out to meet with friends at the bar, but...I really just wasn't in the mood.  At all.  I didn't want to get out of bed again.  They might have been able to make me feel better temporarily, but...I don't know.

I just want a pile of puppies to play with.  Cute puppies make everything better all the time.


I've been told many times I'm too hard on myself; that I don't allow myself to make mistakes.  That I should go easy on myself, because I tried my hardest and I put everything I could into stuff, and that just not everything is under my control, as much as I would like it to be.  That I need to allow myself to feel certain things and not become angry with myself for feeling them.

That's so hard to do.

Court

Everything went better than expected!

I walked in, showed my ticket to the officer, and she asked me how I wanted to plead.  When I said "guilty," she asked me if I had any points on my license.  When I told her none, she told me to instead plead not guilty, and go online to do this six-hour course.  With the course, I would only have to pay $125 or so, and would get no points on my license.

So of course I did that.  I was in and out of there in five minutes at most.  I just need to go register or do whatever I need to do for that.


Before this, though, my day had been very stressful, so this was a lucky break for me.  I was advised to consider medication for my mood - especially because of my strong mood swings - and maybe my appetite, so that is something I'm going to need to seriously think about.


Though I did get a 100 on my first Methods assignment.  That pleased me, at least.  And we were able to get our professor to cancel class for Tuesday.


So far, this day is ending better than it started.

[Edit] - Apparently to get into this program thing the ticket for speeding needs to have been for less than 25 miles per hour, whereas mine was for more than that (I call  bullshit on that, but whatever).  Of course it was going to be too good to be true.  But I'm just doing what the officer told me so now I'm all confused and hfdjkhsk.  I should just go back and talk to her again but I really have no desire to right now.

Bah.  This is incredibly frustrating.

Catching up

A friend of mine from freshman year has been contacting me a lot recently, which I'm really happy with.  Actually, we've remained friends since freshman year, though he left school for reasons, but we have not really kept in contact.  Rather, it was more when he visited the school we would hang out, but we would never really speak outside of that.  But we would hang out all the time when we were freshman, and we lived in the same building.  A lot of Smash was played between us.

He even just remarked that we need to talk more soon because it's been too long, and that made me smile.

Speaking of, another random guy from my undergrad messaged me as well, though I never...really spoke to him?  I messaged him back but I don't really expect a full conversation between us.  It was just odd.  I don't mind!  It was unexpected, is all.


Tomorrow is my day in traffic court.  Oh man.  I'm nervous; I'm hoping they'll go at least a little bit easy on me.

I have a meeting at 8:30 in the morning with the other TAs and I'm so displeased with that.  But I think I might try to sleep before or by midnight, because I'm still exhausted.

"If you think of me, I will think of you."


I know I said I wasn't going to post song lyrics because it makes me look like an annoying hipster and like a schoolgirl but I'm both exhausted and hopped up on caffeine so the amount of fucks I give is definitely zero.  If I could give negative fucks, I would, but I don't really think that's possible.

I write two lines of this reaction paper, and then decide its worth at least fifteen minutes of internet.  No wonder I'm not getting enough done.

All I really want to do...is play video games.  Seriously.  The last thing I was really able to play was Portal 2. Since then, I had one day where I played Skyrim for a bit, and then another day where I tried out Resident Evil 6 for about three hours.  I kind of want to try Halo 4, but I wonder if I should, since I didn't play any of the others, really.  Plus the whole sucking at shooters thing too.

I wonder if I can try my hand at Dead Space again.

My Xbox is just.  There.  Asking to be played.

I miss you, Xbox.  I promise, we will be reunited soon.  Schoolwork can only keep us apart for so long.


Wow I'm really tired, aha.

Tired

Tonight will probably be a long night filled with caffeinated soda and attempts to rip my own hair out.  I've been able to successfully read one of the books and the two articles for tomorrow, and for now I'm going to wait on the other book until I have finished my reaction paper.  The other book is on the construction of the constitution in Egypt, and I know absolutely nothing about that, so I can't imagine that I would have much to say about that in a paper.  Hence why it is going to get last priority.

I have not been able to think of a point for my reaction paper for any of these as of yet, though.  That might be because I'm an idiot, or it might be because I'm exhausted.  Or it might be a combination of both of those things.

The Youth and Government people convinced me to go train justices on Saturday, though I don't like that me asking for the address instead cultivated in them telling me to meet a certain group somewhere and take a bus on Friday night and then stay until Sunday afternoon.  No.  I can't.  I was told I had to be there by 8 in the morning on Saturday and then I get to leave around 8 that night or so.  I cannot afford to spend the entire weekend there, rather than just a day.

And in that whole explanation, I did not even get the address, which was the one thing I originally asked for.

Not that it really matters, seeing as I cannot find my GPS, for some reason.  It probably is somewhere in my car, but my paranoia leads me to immediately think it got stolen or something.  Which...wouldn't really make any sense, since nothing else was taken, and I lock my car all the time.

I actually ate well...ish today, and I'm thinking about having ice cream now.  Ice cream and a break from this stuff, so I can reset my mind and then come back to a possible reaction.

If only it worked as simply as it sounded.

Music

I'm scoping out different albums for the trip down to the Island on Tuesday (or Monday, if we get lucky).  So I'm just looking up different albums on youtube and listening to them before I decide to download them; I'm not going to bother with a certain album if I don't even like it!

Brendan requested The Killers, which I'm surprised I have none of at the moment, and Carl actually asked for more World/Inferno, which I already have two albums of.  I do want Red-Eyed Soul, as well, but that was before Carl mentioned anything.  Plus, I listened to the latest album from Two Door Cinema Club and really liked that too.  Oh, and I've been listening to some Dropkick Murphys, which is so very Irish sounding and I love it.
 

I have two books and two articles to read by Wednesday, as well as a reaction paper to write.  I think I have my proposal all done; it's crap, but I don't think it is necessarily supposed to be good.  Instead, I think it is just supposed to show you at least have a workable idea.

Hopefully, because my proposal is crap.

Off topic

My class today got extremely off topic, but not only am I okay with this, I actually encouraged it.  We did not get to talk about the election last week (simply because it was the day before the election), so after we got on the topic today, I allowed us to just stay on it.  We were talking about presidential vs. parliamentary regimes, and somehow segued into the election.

Had a few people (one in particular) get very excited about pot legalization, as well.

It was a fun class!


I have a lot of work to do today; need to write up my proposal for my essay on the filibuster, get started on Wednesday's readings, and try to not fall asleep all over the place.

Also I'm having very worrisome/troubling thoughts.  Like...imagining myself doing something in particular.  Almost fantasizing about it.  I thought this would go away, but it hasn't yet.  It makes me wonder if I'll ever stop thinking about it and actually try it.

It scares me, more than a little.

Hmm...

Started thinking about something in particular.  It might take a few weeks to sink in, but if I repeat it to myself daily, I might be able to say it eventually, and apologize accordingly.


I have no motivation to write a lesson plan.  My stomach also really hurts.  It's kind of annoying.  Also, my undergrads are being especially irritating.

One more week until a break.  Finally.

On Party Voting

I don't know why I was thinking about this, but I figure it is a good distraction from all my other thoughts.  Maybe it was because I was reading up on parliamentary democracies, in which people constantly vote party line.

I'm sick of people claiming that those who vote party line are either stupid or misinformed.  Especially when it comes to voting for those in the legislature.  Because it just shows me that you don't completely understand what it means to vote for legislators.  It is that collective vs. individual dilemma that plagues the U.S. Congress; people often love their individual representative but hate Congress as a whole.

However, the idea that a split ticket is inherently better than a party-line ticket is, in my opinion, an erroneous judgment.  When you vote for legislators, you should be thinking of the party, not the individual.  The party is what controls the legislative body.  The party that wins the majority is who controls the agenda and who is going to essentially control policy.  Voting party-line means that you are voting for that specific party platform; I voted a straight Democrat ticket because I favour the Democrat's agenda over the Republican one.  Why would I give a vote to a Republican, when I prefer the policy platform of the Democrats?

Also, voting party line does not necessarily mean you are uninformed.  There have been arguments saying that "true neutral" voters are actually the worst, because they are impatient, and do not allow the right amount of time for a specific party to get things done.  Having a party label is a shortcut - they exist for a reason, and allow voters to choose between platforms.


I don't know.  I've just heard this argument - along with the 'we need a third party!!!!1" declaration - a lot recently.  It irks me a little.


Don't talk politics with a political scientist.

Stupid

You know what's really idiotic?  Going through old skype messages from like...January on.  Because the rush of emotions that you felt when you first read them will all come back in full force.  Then, when that happens, you feel like a stupid moron for allowing yourself to still get so upset, and also just for the idea that you miss stuff way more than you should.

And it will reinforce your wish that something bad would happen to you, and your belief that something bad should happen to you.


I have a headache.

I am having trouble finding the motivation to do any of my work today.  It's been like this all weekend, unfortunately.  At least I went food shopping yesterday.  Not that I want to eat anything.  I should, but...my stomach is bothering me.  No surprise there.

I wrote out a list, posted it on here, and then moved it to my private journal.  Why I'm saying this, I have no idea.

Bah, I just want to sleep all day.


Sometimes I hate being left all by myself.  When I'm with friends, I at least have distractions from my own poisonous thoughts.

I realize I'm being emo as fuck.  It's probably annoying. 

I got a text a few minutes ago from Carl, but the time I received it made me originally think it might have been him.

And I hate that I was sad when it wasn't.  Even though he's doing what I said.

fjdiksjds

No matter what, I'm sad about this.  At this rate, it has become more of a thing I just live with rather than something to overcome.

All I want is a day where he doesn't cross my mind.  Sadly, I doubt that will ever happen.

Sickish

I woke up today not feeling very well, most likely due to the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.  Also, I realize I busted my ankle worse than I thought: I probably did not care at the time it happened because I was drunk, but it was heavily swollen when I woke up today and kind of hurts.  I'm sure it'll be fine, but it is still annoying right now.

Yesterday was supposed to be low-key; we originally said we weren't going to stay out and it was going to be just one or two drinks.  Cue us going to a bar with the rest of our cohort after Denny's (in which some...uncomfortable things happened), and then to another bar to kill a tower of Long Island Iced Tea.  Which was even stronger than the last one we had gotten.  For some reason, we had reasoned that "one tower wasn't going to kill us" or even get us that drunk.  Why we thought that made sense, I have no idea.  It was then where I said I was an anime fan and Brendan got so happy because he also loves it and didn't think I did.  Cue both of us nerdily geeking out and talking about shows and shit all night.  I told him he could come to Otakon too, if he wanted.  Which would be awesome.  After that bar, we went to this gay club/bar, where more drinks were had and lots of dancing occurred.  Someone commented how awesome my two belts were too, and that I apparently rocked them really well.  I appreciated that.

I ended up not going to bed until around four in the morning, and woke up around 10:30, not wanting to do anything.  Our original plan was to go out tonight but that's...not happening.  I took a nap, and was supposed to go to Wegman's but fuck I really have no energy or desire to leave my apartment, despite how much I need to do laundry and how much I need to go food shopping.

Luckily, I did catch my professor after the workshops today, and he really likes my idea for my research proposal.  I want to look at the filibuster, and how it was used back in the 50s/60s - where it was actually used rather than just threatened - versus now, where a threat to filibuster can push a bill out of the way.  He advised me to take a look at productivity as my dependent variable; I originally wanted to talk about bluffs, but he reassured me of the difficulty of measuring that empirically.  So, I think I'll look at percentages - how much can the Senate pass bills from the House, or something like that.

The idea is there, at least, so I can spend some time this weekend working on that.  Not tonight, I don't think; tonight I am going to just read and try to finish or get mostly through one of the three (four?  I'm not sure about this last one) books that I need to have read for next week.

Thanksgiving break is going to be amazing.  Carl and Brendan are carpooling down to the Island with me, and I am far too excited about the actual trip down.  Plus, I think they're both liking World/Inferno, so concert may indeed happen.  I'm going to ask them if there is any music they want for the car ride!  (We haven't established who exactly is driving, but I think I'm going to volunteer, since I'm further east than Brendan, and also because my car might need something looked at.)

I downloaded Codes and Keys, and I'm really enjoying it so far.  I'm thinking I'll also get Benjamin Gibbard's solo album.  Hell, I just want all the music.  It's odd; I've never had a music phase last this long before.


[Edit] - Because I forgot to talk about this and I kind of want to.  My eating habits have gotten horrendous once again, and this is something I have talked about a lot with my counselor.  I realized that when I eat with friends, rather than alone, I'm more likely to actually eat, and eat a normal amount rather than a more minuscule portion (which would be fine if it usually wasn't the only thing I have eaten all day).  So I've been advised to eat not only things that I really like, but to eat with friends as much as possible.  

I don't mind that.

I was also told I should look at pictures of really good food or watch the food network (or some cooking show, since I don't have cable) to try and get my appetite up.  She also told me that I might want to get help from the health center in constructing some sort of plan; it's an option available to me, and I can take it if I so choose.  I'm just afraid of that becoming a necessity rather than an option.

Friends

So I may not have a guy in my life right now that I can cuddle with or anything like that, but I do have my two boys who will back me up and go out with me and get drunk with me and go to Denny's to eat and everything like that.  And honestly, that is all I need right now.  Actually, it is better than anything I could have imagined when I was first moving up here.

I love them.  Even though I have not known them for very long.  They have quickly landed and secured spots among my best and most trusted friends.

Also I found out today Brendan is an anime fan.  Holy fucking shit that is amazing.  We're making plans to convert Carl.


I adore them.

Slightly tipsy still, which means a more detailed post might happen tomorrow.

Cosplay

Earlier today I sent a message to this props place which did the armour set and sword for a Clare (Claymore) cosplayer, asking for a quote.  I've been thinking about it, and not only did the armour and sword come out looking amazing, I...really do not have the time or the skill to make Teresa's stuff myself.  I know I had people tell me that they would help me out, but I feel sort of bad having my friends and sister do so much for me when they're also trying to get their costumes done, simply because I suck at the crafts thing and I have no time to do it myself.  So, I figure going to a professional and paying them would relieve the stress for me and for others.  Of course, this is just the armour set and the sword, so I'll need to complete the rest of the costume myself or have someone else also take care of that, but it's the bulk of the costume.

Already planning for Otakon 2013.  I'm really excited for it, since I had to miss it this year.

Teresa is who I am planning on going as, as of now.  It might depend on if this commission thing comes through for me, though.  Presently, I do not have a backup, but I might want to think of someone else just in case.


The Youth and Government director for judicial asked me to head somewhere in less than two weeks to help teach the justices cases this year.  I emailed back saying I wanted to, but am hesitant, because I barely have time to do anything recreational, let alone tackling the four/five cases and teaching them.  I just don't know if I'll have the time to learn everything.

Happier Thoughts

This entry will have nothing to do with the election and is a return to my thoughts on him and I and our relationship, which I'm sure is getting annoying.  However - probably due to this post-election high and an entire night with friends - I'm actually in an oddly peaceful and...almost optimistic mindset.  So, I want to write down these thoughts now so I can return to them in the future when I'm feeling unbelievably sad and lonely.  Maybe I can calm and comfort my future self at some points.

So, future self, I really do hope these thoughts serve to help you feel better about this situation.  Because I do not want you to be sad.

Although no contact is not something I have wanted to do and is something I wished to avoid, it is probably best for multiple reasons.  Especially to get back on my own two feet.  No contact will probably not make me stop thinking of him, and I cannot imagine it will make me stop missing him, but it might make things at least a little easier.

I think I wanted to avoid no contact because more than anything I wanted to bring the romantic relationship we had back to life.  But no matter what, that relationship is gone.  There is no returning to it, no matter what happens in the future.  Even if we end up trying again at some point in later years and have the future I previously wanted - which is not something that is necessarily going to happen or anything like that - it still doesn't mean that our old relationship would have been revived.  It cannot be resurrected.  It would be something new.

And a chance at something new cannot happen unless I truly accept the death of the old.

So, while I'm still mourning the old relationship, there is no hope for the birth of something new.  And that new thing doesn't need to be a romantic relationship; a friendship is also something new.  And the reason a friendship was feeling hollow was because the memories of the old relationship were still haunting my mind.  And they continue to do so.  So although no contact sucks, those memories need to stop making me feel so sad all the time.

I'd like to be able to think about the old and smile at the memories, rather than wish they did not happen.

If he and I are truly meant to be together, and are truly meant to have the future I so desperately wanted, then we will find each other again.  And I know that is probably a naiive mindset.  But I can't help but - right now, anyway - believe in it.  I have been told multiple times that "if it is meant to be, it'll be."  I have been trying to resurrect something too soon.  Rather than accept this mentality, and allowing the pieces to fall as they may, to use a cliché, I just wanted to take the reigns and do the impossible.  I wanted to make something happen that wasn't going to happen at that time.  And like I said, any chance at something in the future will not be able to occur unless I can walk away from the grave of our previous relationship.

The future is not set in stone; anything is possible.  Do not forget that.

We will find each other again, if that is what is meant to happen.  I've said this before, but I do not plan and I hope to never settle for anyone who does not make me feel as strongly as he did.  And that is not technically waiting for him, or anything.  That is just me refusing to settle for second best.  Right now, he still has the number one spot in my mind and heart, in terms of that.  I become sad about us because of how strongly I feel and felt about him.  I become sad because all I wanted was for us to be by each others' sides for longer than we were.  That's not exactly a terrible thing, is it?

If someone comes along and knocks him out of that spot he has, then I will try to overcome any fears I have and try something with them.

But if no one comes along, I will not settle for second place.  Even if he is not around, or I do not hold the same spot in his mind.

And actually...that is fine.

If we remain number one for each other, then I do certainly hope that our previous breakup will not deter us from trying again at some point.  And I know this is the opposite of what I said yesterday, where I felt like going no contact meant losing him forever.  But again...I'm in a better place mentally right now than I was yesterday.  So it is easier to think these things, which probably make a little more sense and are not as absolute as what I was claiming.

All I need to remember is what I said: if we are meant to be together, then we will find each other in the future.

And while that mentality is hard to hang on to at points, I really need to try and believe it.

Because more than anything, it will make me happier.

Mr. President, the love you have for your wife is adorable and wonderful, and you both are one of the best couples I've ever seen.

And yes, we all fucking adore her as well.


Also, this night is historic and awesome.  Gay marriage legalized in a few more states.  Marijuana legalized in Colorado.  And the possibility of Puerto Rico becoming a state.

I'm proud of you, America.

Obama!

NBC just declared that Obama won a second term.

Gonna wait around for Romney's speech.  But, this is fantastic news!

ELECTION NIGHT IS SO STRESSFUL.

And yet I love it.  I really kind of needed this.  To focus on something I love and try to not think about all the other stuff in my life that is making me sad and stressed.

Though focusing on the election is making me further procrastinate on my work.  I have an introduction written out and nothing else.  Because I can't focus.

Also, I have to say, the third party enthusiasts right now are the most annoying people.  Getting 5% of the vote for Johnson will not make a third party become electorally competitive.  A third party will not emerge as long as we have a plurality system of electoral rules.  Duverger's Law.  Look that shit up.

PEOPLE ARE WRONG ON THE INTERNET.  And I cannot stand for this!

Election night

So, rather than go home and work on my reaction paper, I decided that I was going to hang with Brendan and Carl at Brendan's place to watch election coverage.  I'm still going to obviously write the paper (and try to do it while watching the coverage), but I really wanted to pay attention to the election and everything.  Luckily, I think I have a working idea for my reaction paper, despite that it is probably awful and I'm not...entirely sure where I want to go with it.  I just want to write something worth reading.

As of now, I just got here, so I'm not sure if any states have started coming in, but they will be soon if they haven't started already, most likely.

It will either be a night of celebration, or a night of mourning.  Hopefully the former.

I'll probably post more later about the election aha.  Unless I'm too busy.


Speaking of, libertarians on my facebook feed are getting annoying.  Mostly because none of them know about Duverger's law and the fact that the way we vote doesn't really influence whether or not we'll have a competitive third party.  It is all about electoral rules.  Jesus fuck.

Woke up not feeling well.  I'm not surprised by this.

I'm still going to go to class, but honestly I'd rather just keep sleeping all day.

Bah.  Emo, I am being.


Also it is election day.  Remember to vote.

No Contact

So it was decided that we should try to stop talking to each other.  And while I know this is best in my head, I still feel like I'm going to throw up and I just want to punch all the walls in my room.

Despite what he says, I feel like this is it.  I don't trust a word he says, because I did once before, and I ended up getting dumped, and spent at least a month in shock because it came as such a surprise to me.  I cannot and will not unconditionally trust him again anytime soon, if at all.  When I told him that I decided to protect myself with a more pessimistic mindset about all of this (I don't remember my exact words) he sort of chuckled and remarked that doing that is very...me.  In character.

I understand that those conversations suck, but I still hate feeling like I'm being a huge bother, and despite him saying that I was not inconveniencing him, he just seemed very impatient.  So much so that I ended up making a decision tonight so as to not cause him further trouble with another conversation two days from now.  Whether or not that was the right thing to do, I really do not know.  But...if this makes sense, I became frustrated with his frustration, and sort of just decided that it would probably be better to not delay this anymore.

Truthfully, I don't want to do this.  I really do not.  But at the same time, my ideal alternative is the resurrection of what we used to have, which is impossible, at least at this moment in time and perhaps forever.  This friendship thing right now feels like a shell of what we were and how close we used to be.  A fear of mine is that it will always feel like that.  That for him, it will be sufficient, but for me, it never will be.  Because under those circumstances, I'm always going to feel sad.

My dad once told me that he believed that I will only really get over him - or over him as much as I could - when I find someone else.  He said he hated saying that, but the rate I was going, it made sense.  And unfortunately, it still does make sense.  Problem is that I both want to and not want to find someone else.  And I refuse to settle for someone who did not make me feel as strongly as he did.  I just do not know if that is possible at the moment.

Once, I said that I did not want someone taking my place.  I did not want him to feel stronger towards someone than he does/did towards me.  That is still true, unfortunately.  That is selfish of me.  I'm completely aware of how awful that must make me seem, but it is the truth.

I just miss what we were.  I wish I could go back in time.  I want those feelings I had a year ago back.  But I know I'm never going to be able to have them back.  I hate facing that reality.  I like those dreams where we're together and happy and everything is okay.  I love those.

I hate this.  I hate that I still want to be with him.  I hate that I still love him.  I hate that I miss him as terribly as I do.  I hate that it came to this, and that all I thought was going to happen when we were together was a stupid fantasy.


I feel like I'm going to throw up.