The fact that my trainer is pro-Trump fills me with rage and I feel gross and dirty giving money to him.

The only comfort I get is knowing that his vote doesn't fucking matter because we live in a solidly blue state.

I can't find a trainer who is not a right-winger and that sucks because I need one to get my ass out of bed and moving so my depression maybe can be alleviated just a little bit.

The least I think he can fucking do though is not talk about that shit with the other clients while I'm still in the gd building trying to work out since he /knows/ I am leftist and that I hate Trump like is that too much to ask.

And he just throws around bullshit and says "OH WELL YOU KNOW" when I wanna just ask for the source bc I can bet it is from some right-wing garbage source.

I don't think I have ever left so quickly. Again, I feel dirty knowing that I am giving him money but I cannot find anyone else.

Okay, new guy in my office: I get that you are blunt and have zero filter but I really do not need descriptions of how you're banging one of my former students and then I really don't need for you to go into more detail when I say that.

I can tell that this dude is going to be okay in short bursts and then as time goes on I'm going to want to strangle him.  Like I can't say anything without some sort of quip or something and while it is sometimes funny it really isn't funny when I am talking about something serious or am trying to explain some shit.


Friend is apparently moving into a gigantic mansion at a great price in the neighborhood by the school and asked me if I was interested in taking a room.  On the one hand: I've been very fed up with my living area lately and sort of missing time in a quieter area and it would be nice to have more room for Callie.  On the other: his boyfriend - who I am not a fan of - is also going to be living there and I'd have to give up living by myself.  And there is a pretty massive jump in rent I'd have to deal with as well.  Plus I hate moving aha.

But after having to deal with people crowding around my door asking me for my number as I'm trying to get inside...it sort of sounds like something I should at least give some thought to.  He said I can go next week to just check things out.  (This will not be a lock-in and I think he knows I'm leaning no just because of the 'I'll no longer be by myself' option aha.  But still, it is worth a look.)

When my sister is watching her daughters, she is active with them and pays attention to them. 

When my brother-in-law is, he just seems to put on a video or something and has them watch it while he does...whatever he wants (so not even things around the house).  I think right now its football but like...easily could take them downstairs so they could play while he has the game on but they're at least in the same room.  

(And right now I'm trying to work so like...I can't really watch myself since I have things to do for tomorrow...)

And there are so many gender implications to this and I hate it and I sometimes bring it up because my sister deserves more and she does that thing wives tend to do where they're like "well he does this at times, so it's totally okay" while they run around and do everything all the time. 

Honestly, I sometimes look at her and my other sister's marriages and am even more comfortable with the idea of not getting married.  (I mean, that's the path I'm on and shit, if only because the whole 'probably at least grey ace-aro' thing going on.)

But like...the men in my sisters' lives need to stop sucking.

My across-the-hall neighbor likes having a ton of friends over.  Which would be fine if they actually hung out inside his apartment and not out in the hallway right outside my door.  And even then I would be fine but they are always smoking weed (which I don't care about until the smell permeates my apartment and it constantly does), and I have to navigate around a bunch of guys who creepily ask for my number...

Tonight after walking Callie I had three (I think) of his friends sort of crowd around me and ask repeatedly for my number.  Now I always use the "I have a boyfriend" line despite it not being true, because sometimes then I'll be left alone.  Other times, like tonight, I get the "I would love you better" thing and I have to awkwardly smile and say good night and go in my apartment.

Being assertive would probably make some of this go away but I am intimidated and don't want to cause a big commotion so I just silently try to ignore things.  Plus, me vs. a ton of dudes probably wouldn't end well for me. 

Luckily, Callie is a visual deterrent, and a surprisingly good one at times?  She is the sweetest and loves people but she does get excited when there are a lot of people around and sometimes her energy stops people from bothering me.  I've had multiple people tell me that they are a bit more comfortable with the fact that I have her with me, considering the area I live in.  She is a big black dog, so again, that visual deterrent is there.


I've been having trouble writing my students' presentation reports for some reason.  It's annoying.

I feel like I should have my shit together by now.

Weirdly, even though I'm 29 I already see myself as 30 and all the connotations that come with that.  "Why aren't you finished with your degree?  Why are you such a fuckup that you can't even get that right?  Why are you still a parasite on the backs of your family members because you still cannot find ways to pay them back for everything they have done for you?  Why don't you connect with anyone anymore?  Why can't you just focus and finish so you can move on and disappoint a whole new set of people and trick them into thinking you are a functional human being?  Why won't you work out more?  Why can't you eat like a normal person?"

Obviously, my mind just races.  Even now, more and more questions are coming up and none of them are good.

(Also I'm dealing with a student who I can't really read...its like he sort of just expects me to do things for him because he has mental health stuff going on?  Even now he just came into my office hours and I was like "oh, so what's up" and he stared at me and kind of seemed surprised that I expected him to have questions instead of me just going into things?  So that hasn't been good for my stress, not going to lie.)

I mean...l guess I'm at least going through motions and there are good days and bad days.  Those thoughts are sort of constantly in my mind, it is more that sometimes they are loud and other times they're softer.


I had other shit I was going to write about but people came in to talk with me so I lost my train of thought.

Sometimes I think of things that I would want to say in conversations that I know would never happen. Like...by random occurrance, what if I ran into such and such person again? What would happen? What would I say? In some cases are there words that I could wield harshly enough that it hurts that person as much as they made me feel?

Part of me says that I shouldn't want that last thing, but I think of things anyway.

I'll cycle through people - former friends who dropped me because of fandom bullshit, a grad student in the cohort below me who lied to me, people who have hurt those I care deeply about, the ex-

It is the last one I hate the most, truly. How many years has it fucking been and it will be random moments where he shows up in my thoughts and I have these imaginary conversations. It doesn't really happen /often/ (honestly it probably seems often given I usually come to complain but it is infrequent) but I hate myself and him so much more when it does.

Sometimes it just happens because I am in my own head and he just decided to be the subject of my current weird thought experiment. It is stupid.

I mean, I know the reality is that nothing I said or could say in these hypotheticals would ever hurt him the way I'd really want to. But in my head, when I am frustrated, it is nice to think that there was some part of him that would care enough to be sad when faced with my vitriol.

In that way he isn't unique, I suppose. I guess that brings me some comfort. I shouldn't want to hurt people but there are those parts of me that still hurt when these things come into my head. And because I cannot feel better I just want to unleash it somehow in my imagination.

This is what happens when I decide to not work or play a game or some shit and my mind just wanders and races to corners I would rather have cobwebs growing on.