I feel like I should have my shit together by now.

Weirdly, even though I'm 29 I already see myself as 30 and all the connotations that come with that.  "Why aren't you finished with your degree?  Why are you such a fuckup that you can't even get that right?  Why are you still a parasite on the backs of your family members because you still cannot find ways to pay them back for everything they have done for you?  Why don't you connect with anyone anymore?  Why can't you just focus and finish so you can move on and disappoint a whole new set of people and trick them into thinking you are a functional human being?  Why won't you work out more?  Why can't you eat like a normal person?"

Obviously, my mind just races.  Even now, more and more questions are coming up and none of them are good.

(Also I'm dealing with a student who I can't really read...its like he sort of just expects me to do things for him because he has mental health stuff going on?  Even now he just came into my office hours and I was like "oh, so what's up" and he stared at me and kind of seemed surprised that I expected him to have questions instead of me just going into things?  So that hasn't been good for my stress, not going to lie.)

I mean...l guess I'm at least going through motions and there are good days and bad days.  Those thoughts are sort of constantly in my mind, it is more that sometimes they are loud and other times they're softer.


I had other shit I was going to write about but people came in to talk with me so I lost my train of thought.