I have so many ideas for stories and fic and yet I still can't find the motivation to write any of it because I know I can't write creatively for fucking shit and my love of writing I guess still has taken a hit from grad school and so I just think of ideas and say "oh this would be cool."

Also I still can't motivate myself to do fucking anything so I just sit inside all day and tell myself that I'll do this and that tomorrow, except tomorrow never comes.

And I want to stop eating again but I haven't been able to because I'm hungry a lot and like eating bad stuff too much but I want to because I don't deserve it.

Things were supposed to be better why aren't they.

And I want to respond to a text I got a few days ago but I'm too unmotivated to even fucking do that and I'm a shit friend.  Hell, even the other day I couldn't stay at another friend's memorial day party for very long because there were too many people I didn't know and I got super uncomfortable and why do I suck so fucking much.

I need to stop eating so much.

Slash so much crap.

I hate that I've put weight back on because I'm lazy and unmotivated and all that.

But when I think about routinely working out again I just think "what's the fucking point" and then just continue doing some random lazy bullshit because I suck.

It is bad when I miss how I used to eat less than 1000 calories a day, forgetting that I was doing that because of the breakup with the ex and that that wasn't good either.

I find myself both lonely and unwilling to hang out with people.  Because when I do, I just feel more lonely.  I don't get it.

Man, I was fine the first week back.  And now I'm all fucked up in terms of emotions and what the fuck am I doing with my life I should just disappear so people don't need to deal with my stupid shit.

I don't know if it is because I am tired, or maybe the exhaustion is a symptom...but I'm finding it difficult to care much about anything right now, for some reason.  Even to the point where I can't pretend for the sake of pretending.  Parents asked me if I wanted something with dinner and I just am like "eh, idk" and that is how I would describe myself right now.

It sucks and I need to remember to actually take my pills, since I keep forgetting and that probably is affecting me quite intensely.

Haven't been here even though I should be, mostly because I have been too busy on tumblr being fandom trash.

I kept saying that I was going to try my hand at writing, so maybe I'll warm up with fanfic because I have too many ideas.


I've still been bored but that is my own fault for being a fucking potato all the time.

Had a really good conversation with Nancy today, one which made me realize exactly how much I have conformed to what other people have wanted me to be.

There is a theme in my life, apparently: I am allowed to be an individual, but not too much.  I can step outside the box, but not too far away from it.  When what I want is still, maybe while abnormal in comparison to everyone else, in the confines of "acceptable/professional/etc.," then I receive no pushback.  A few looks, perhaps, but nothing that would make me question what I wanted.

But when I step too far away, or want to step too far away, that's different.  And even, my "too far away" is very different from others in my life.  I remember growing up I wanted to express myself in ways different from how my older sisters did.  Example - I wanted to dye my hair with red streaks.  I was allowed, with caution, because otherwise it would be "crazy" and "unprofessional" and all that.  There was one time where my oldest sister was redoing it before she had to leave for somewhere (at her insistence) and ended up putting more in than originally intended.  While I liked the result - it was all red and awesome looking imo - my parents screamed at me and said it was my fault for rushing her, etc., etc.  In response I locked myself in my room and played violent video games for a few hours and then showering more than a few times a day after that in order to get it to fade.

Even here, I've been told to do certain things different from what I wanted because what I wanted was too outside of what everyone else was doing.  I remember a fight I had with one of the roommates where he told me to change something in a paper because it wasn't what our professor believed and that I should just put what she wanted to hear.  I got angry because I thought that was a cop-out, that I shouldn't change my theory simply to fit the mold of what she wanted.  I liked my own theory, even though it was different.  We ended up yelling at each other and I took a long walk with Callie afterwards.

This theme has come up many times; this idea that some of the things I want are too "strange" or whatnot and therefore I must not do them.  Still, there are things I want to do and have which I have been fearful of obtaining due to these past experiences.  I suppose they've been engraved in my mind: even though I want this thing, how acceptable is it to have?  I remember getting yelled at, having fights, and being guilted into doing things other than what I truly desired. And this theme has been so reoccurring that I just put off everything and have become a shell of the person I wanted to be.  I've forced myself into a box that I don't really want to be in, because I'm afraid of the reaction I will get if I try to step out again.

But...I would like that to change.  I really would.

There was a post on tumblr outlining the long-lasting effects of emotionally abusive relationships.  And as I read it, I said to myself, "wow...this describes me really well still."

Then I became a bit sad and angry because it has been over three years.  I can safely say I'm over him and that I actively do not think about him anymore except on some random and odd occasions.  However, those effects are still there.  I still don't trust people and would rather be alone.  I find that I'm much less spontaneous than I was before the ex (though truthfully I usually liked to have a plan, but the fact that my spontaneity has decreased even from that says a lot).  I feel like I tiptoe around issues more than I did before, afraid of my opinions being seen as insensitive or that they will somehow hurt someone.  The idea of being with someone has once again become something that I don't want, but not like it was before.  Before, I just wanted to be independent and focus on my work.  Now, I am afraid of being hurt again and do not want to be tied down.  I don't want to be under someone else's control again.  I tie myself down enough as it is.

And although I'm working on the whole self-love and improvement thing, I still find it difficult to make lasting friendships out of the ones I already have.  When people tell me to just go out and meet others, they say it like it is no big deal.  But it is.  I can talk to random people, honestly.  I can meet someone and smile and have a genuinely pleasant conversation, knowing that I will either never see them again or that I will know them in passing, or as an acquaintance.  Anything beyond that is work.  I have a difficult enough time maintaining the friendships I already have.  My own fault, really, for not keeping in touch as much as I should.


I don't know...that post got me thinking about shit.  

Man I really fucked up my back doing those kettlebell swings the other day.  I was doing them wrong, not realizing it at the time, and since then it has been just painful for me to move around and do things.  I even had to have roommate B put in my a/c because I couldn't lift it without straining my back and everything.

This is the last week of the semester, though I honestly haven't been doing much.  My medical leave is being processed, but I was told that it is definitely going to go through.  I still don't know what my plans are, though I suppose that is the point.  I was thinking about writing, either something creative or just about my first three years of grad school.  Not sure, really.

me!me!me!

ME!ME!ME! Animated Music Video 日本アニメ（ーター）見本市「ftDao from Alen Marcells on Vimeo.

While the content is nsfw, the theme is very relevant to me. Past and current. (Also the visuals are beautiful.)

I saw this a while ago but I was thinking about it again for some reason.

To this day, I still refuse to listen to any version of Such Great Heights.

I signed up for GISHWHES officially and I'm a dork but I really do think the incentive to meet Misha is going to be enough to get me out trying to get as many points as possible.

Which is good because I've been extremely shut-in this week and avoiding any interactions simply because the idea of doing so is exhausting/just something I really really don't want to do.  Though the migraine I had yesterday was legit; I didn't go to the baseball game because of it.  God, it was awful.

I have been spending a lot of time with the pups, which I am always fond of, though I recognize that sometimes it is at the expense of other relationships.  And I know I shouldn't be as okay with that as I obviously am.

Man I want to write more but I am just...uninspired still.  Pretty much anything outside of my current fandoms is uninspiring, and I know that that's more of a problem than something good.  I latched onto them so tightly that I can't hold on to anything else right now, because they at least gave me something to at least be interested in.