There was a post on tumblr outlining the long-lasting effects of emotionally abusive relationships.  And as I read it, I said to myself, "wow...this describes me really well still."

Then I became a bit sad and angry because it has been over three years.  I can safely say I'm over him and that I actively do not think about him anymore except on some random and odd occasions.  However, those effects are still there.  I still don't trust people and would rather be alone.  I find that I'm much less spontaneous than I was before the ex (though truthfully I usually liked to have a plan, but the fact that my spontaneity has decreased even from that says a lot).  I feel like I tiptoe around issues more than I did before, afraid of my opinions being seen as insensitive or that they will somehow hurt someone.  The idea of being with someone has once again become something that I don't want, but not like it was before.  Before, I just wanted to be independent and focus on my work.  Now, I am afraid of being hurt again and do not want to be tied down.  I don't want to be under someone else's control again.  I tie myself down enough as it is.

And although I'm working on the whole self-love and improvement thing, I still find it difficult to make lasting friendships out of the ones I already have.  When people tell me to just go out and meet others, they say it like it is no big deal.  But it is.  I can talk to random people, honestly.  I can meet someone and smile and have a genuinely pleasant conversation, knowing that I will either never see them again or that I will know them in passing, or as an acquaintance.  Anything beyond that is work.  I have a difficult enough time maintaining the friendships I already have.  My own fault, really, for not keeping in touch as much as I should.


I don't know...that post got me thinking about shit.