My throwing up had something good come out of it,at least. Security gave me a set list! I think this pic cut it off a bit.

I really gotta stop throwing up at concerts. Seriously.

It might be the amaretto sours I had, but I am seeing the ex fucking everywhere right now. It is kind of putting a damper on my mood.

But World/Inferno hasn't come on yet. I imagine I will stop seeing him once they do.

Follow-up

"I just want you to give yourself a fighting chance."

I was called in for a follow-up session today to continue talking about things from yesterday, and things have really hit me in weird ways.  I was asked whether or not it bothers me that I keep losing weight and I keep not eating and I said that I wish it did, but it really doesn't bother me that much.  It used to bother me, but I've gotten kind of used to it, if that makes sense.

I also just don't care about myself enough to take care of myself, really.

But along with the hospital thing, I was told that health services can suspend me from my studies if they think I'm too underweight, and request I get treatment and stuff before allowing me to return.  That kind of made me pause, because although I don't feel much, I know I do not want that to happen.  But apparently I am on that track, and it will happen if I stay on the path I've been on.

I guess I don't recognize the limit, simply because I have this deluded notion that I will never reach it.  I don't recognize my breaking point, because there is some part of me that doesn't think it exists, really.  But hearing someone else tell me that there is a limit, and I am dangerously close to it, from what I have been doing and what I have been saying, kind of brings it to a new light.  For now, anyway.

She also asked me if I think I have the capacity to try to take better care of myself, and I answered that I was not...entirely sure.  I like to think I do, and that I can make the change, but the apathy and the self-loathing take over and I just...end up going full days without eating until dinnertime and then eat only a little.

I don't think I necessarily take the ex over me.  I think I take everyone and everything over me.  And he is included in that.

But I am supposed to start taking myself first.  Which goes against my entire usual pattern of thinking.

It isn't going to be easy.  Is it even possible, I wonder?

Concerned

"I'm really concerned about you.  You seem to be pushing away from everything and everyone you care about."

"Every week I see you you get thinner and thinner."

"At this rate, you're going to end up in the hospital.  Either because your body will collapse, because you're not eating, or your mind will.  And you don't deserve that."


My way of thinking was challenged a bit more than usual in my session today.  Even though I tell myself that I did everything I could and that nothing that happened is my fault, I apparently still act as though I am punishing myself.  That the perfectionist in me is still saying that I could have done something to change things.  That I can't understand how I can give and try and do my best and then I do not get that same reaction in return.  But I cannot control others and life is not fair.

I was asked whether or not I really want to get better.  I said that I do, but I'm tired of trying.  I'm just exhausted and that happiness seems like an impossible goal and I honestly am starting to think that I am broken beyond repair.  I'm not living life really...I'm just going through motions and everything.

I just do not care about myself, and it is showing more and more.  I'm punishing myself and I need to think about myself more than I do.

I just.  I tried so hard when I was in a relationship.  I really did.  I tried to make things work and I tried to do the right thing and I tried to do everything I could for him.  And I was repaid with this.  With all of this.

Some part of me still says that I did something wrong.  Either before or after.

But I did the best I could.  I really did.  So I do not deserve this.

Even though I still act like I do.

I was talking to my parents and I was trying to convey to my dad the extent of my apathy and my emotionless state.  I don't know if I actually did convey that to him though, because he mentioned that I sounded like I was okay and everything.  I explained that I legitimately do not care about pretty much anything, with the exception of Callie, and so, it is difficult for me to get motivated to do much of anything.  But I did also explain this in the context of having no breaks between the end of August and the end of November, so I wonder if he took it just as exhaustion.  

Though I did also...kind of explain my implosion of feelings and the shutting down and everything.  I don't know.  I guess I sound better than I actually feel.  But that isn't a surprise.  That is kind of how I am a lot of times? 

I started looking back at some of my facebook stuff from 2011 and that was a terrible idea. 

Instead of being productive, once I finished the book for tomorrow I pretty much sat around, played Pokemon, and watch SVU with roommate all day and it was nice.  I did take Callie to the park again for a while.  At one point she started digging in a muddy area and then just plopped down in it.  She's gross, but I love her even more for it, really.  Someone laughed and told me that it was awesome of me to tolerate her always getting dirty when we go to the park.  That other people just wouldn't go.  I said that all that matters is that she has fun.  I could care less about the back seat of Cornelius, seriously.  Though when new car happens, I will probably care a lot more.  But when that happens I'll also get things to protect my seats and everything.

I said I was going to post something feels-related probably today but...probably not going to actually.  Because my mind is kind of blank.  I mean yeah, I've been thinking about some stuff between yesterday and today but Pokemon and SVU provide some nice distractions.

I know I'm not doing myself any favours in distracting my mind, because once it is not distracted, it immediately turns to bad stuff.  The distractions help me temporarily feel...well, not better, but okay.  In the short run.  I know that they are not really helping me deal with things.  But sometimes I want a weekend where I feel okay.  Where I just am playing games and watching shows and not stressing too much about my work and my life and I had that this weekend.  And for some reason I feel a little guilty for it.  Even though I shouldn't, really.

But I feel guilty that I wasn't as productive as I could have been, among other reasons.


Hallowmas in a few days.  Whee.

I spent the day reading and playing pokemon and I am more than okay with this.  I did take Callie to the park so she could run around, and she was out the rest of the day when we got back.  It was kind of awesome, since beforehand she had been whining and begging for attention while we were trying to work and everything.

Speaking of Pokemon, I did remove Pidgeot from my team to make room for Goomy, though I might rotate and everything.  Gardevoir and Delphox are done with super training, and I have six badges.  I swear, the mini games and everything make me take a lot longer to get through the story.  Oh well.


I feel as though I ate too much today, but I know my judgment isn't exactly right a lot of times.


Though something is wrong with me if I am totally okay with staying isolated practically all day and doing this for weeks on end.

Maybe tomorrow I will post a feels post but I think it is bedtime right not.

X

So while game theory was more than a little frustrating, I then spent...basically the rest of the day playing Pokemon.  Though I still only have 5 badges.

My party now is: Umbreon, Pidgeot, Delphox, Blastoise, Ampharos, and Gardevoir.

But...I did just catch a Goomy.  And not only is he adorable, but I'm sure his final evolution is the pseudo-legendary of this generation.  Really, I want to get rid of Pidgeot, but it is kind of necessary I have someone who can use fly.

My other option would be to box Gardevoir, since Delphox is also a psychic type, but...my Gardevoir does really well for me.  As in she hasn't fainted in quite some time at all and she still only has Confusion as her main psychic move.

Wahhh I don't know what to do.  I might just end up training seven at a time, which will be annoying, but.  I want more.  I want more Pokemons.

Dream

Had an ex-related dream last night.

Basically, for some reason he was in trouble and had to stay at my house on Long Island.  I was home and my parents and sisters were too.  For some reason, they were kind of cordial towards him, but I wonder if that is basically because he was in trouble (like...life in danger trouble, I think).  But I avoided him and I avoided being alone with him as long as I could.

Then, he was sitting on my front deck when I came out, and he tried to say something to me.  I glared at him and told him that he was lucky my family is so nice but that I didn't forgive him and that he should not dare to look at me, let alone speak to me.  He just nodded and looked down and stayed sitting on the deck on his laptop while I went out towards the street.

Some random guy came up and started talking to me about grad school.  He seemed interested especially in human rights, and so I started discussing my friends who do human rights.  The ex then came up and tried to show us something and I glared at him and pretty much told him he was rudely interrupting and that I didn't say he could talk to me and everything so he should go away.


I'm really tired again today, and I'm going to try and bullshit my way through this game theory class.

So my discussion with my doctor led us to think that upping my dosage to 150 mg from 100 might be helpful.  I told him about my lack of motivation and my lack of...general emotion more than half the time, and so we agreed that maybe trying a higher dose would help me and everything.  I did tell him about being tired all the time too, but I don't think that is a medication side-effect.  I think that's just stress and lack of food and all that jazz.

Once again I'm in a situation where I did not complete (or even start, really...) an assignment for a class, and I just have no motivation to get it done or anything.  Really, I just want to sleep.  I just want to sleep and not go in tomorrow.


I realized today I dressed a lot like the ex...or at least how he used to.  Black hoodie underneath my leather jacket, with the hood up for most of the day.  It was warm in the cold weather, but I don't really know why my mind decided to make that connection.  It wasn't my intention to think about that when I put the outfit on.


....Callie is staring very intensely at something on my ceiling and I have no fucking idea what it could be.  And she keeps tilting her head and everything.

...Oh wait, might be a fly.


Once again I find that I had things I thought I wanted to say but now I'm drawing blanks probably because I don't feel much of anything aside from tired.


I was told that I should try and induce a crying episode, to get the hidden emotions that are there out.  That this shutting down is understandable, but it doesn't mean I have no feelings or anything like that.  But the problem is inducing that.  Even listening to Transatlanticism or Such Great Heights doesn't seem to do anything to me other than make me physically uncomfortable.

Cold

Holy hell it is freezing in my office and I cannot move because I am having extra office hours for the undergrads soon but holy shit it is cold.

I'm meeting with my doctor today about my status with the medication, and I'm not sure exactly what I should tell him.  I mean...as I've said in some of the previous entries, I don't really feel much of anything most of the time.  The meds I think are preventing me from feeling really terrible, probably, at least.  And it isn't like I haven't felt this emotionlessness before them, I suppose.

Really, I feel things in spurts.  If and when I get emails from the ex, I feel something, for example.  But it eventually goes away.   Quickly, even.  I know that when he does there is something going on because I start shaking and I feel really uncomfortable physically and for a bit I will feel angry and hurt and sad but it passes and I start just...not caring.  It is hard to describe, really.  Because I know I am angry and hurt and disappointed in him (even if I don't feel much) and all that and my not caring has actually translated to me conveying that more in my replies than I was previously, I think.  So in feeling less emotions, I've become more emotional in my writing back to him, which makes no sense whatsoever.  

It is weird to explain.

I just feel very alone.  And broken.  Despite people being around and everything.

It is sad that I legitimately care more about my Pokemon team than I do about doing my own work and everything, really.  (And I use 'care' loosely.)

Got my fourth badge after taking a long nap today, which was absolutely needed.  I have not done any work after my class this morning, which is really bad of me, I know.  I might try and do stuff now or soon, because I'm not as tired as usual.  Though I'm also feeling very unproductive.  Not that that is anything new, really.  

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, and I'm supposed to meet with the TAs to come up with a rubric for the essay they're handing in next week.  So.   That will be fun. 

I had a dream that I punched my ex-roommate in the face and screamed at him, but then people were angry with me.  I was most distressed that one of the secretaries was really angry and basically wouldn't look at me and it was really distressing.  When I told my friend, he laughed and told me that wasn't a realistic reaction.  People would love me if I did that, he said.  

It will be one week until Hallowmas tomorrow.  ...Gotta find a way down there, though.

Been a week.

For the second week, I have not completed my readings for Congress.  And I am still in the mode of not caring.

Again, in session I discussed this apathy.  How I just don't care.  About anything, really.  Or at least it feels like I don't.  I was told that I actually do have a lot of feelings locked up inside, but it is just...so overwhelming.  That I'm disappointed and hurt and sad and so it makes sense that I have shut down.

That at this rate my going back and forth with the ex might be fueled by a desire to get more feelings out and at him rather than trying to look for an explanation, simply because no explanation he will give will ever satisfy me.

I was asked about my thoughts about the future and about future romances, and how I'm afraid of them.  How I don't trust anyone really anymore.  How I think that if the person who claimed to love me more than anyone he has ever met could leave me and fall out of love with me so quickly, that it means anyone could do the same thing.  And I am afraid of that.

Something is wrong with me.  I am so disconnected.

It has been a long time since I've felt actually happy.

And I was told that I deserve to be happy.

My response was a shrug.

So I decided to go to the dog park after my office hours today and it was good for a while until that guy with the problematic German Shepherd showed up.  That dog just acts super fucking dominant and tries to mount Callie and she doesn't like it and he doesn't let her play with anyone else and the guy doesn't do anything about it.  So I took her out and she went down to the stream and played with a Saint Bernard off-leash and that pup's parents were awesome.  I swear the dad was like the fucking dog whisperer.  Callie took to him immediately and I could easily see why.  Only thing is that the guy with the Shepherd didn't take the hint and followed us, and didn't take the hint again when we tried going back to the fenced in area.  I just did not want Callie to get distressed again with that dog.  But the Saint Bernard's parents were with us and helped out.  And then we saw, as we were leaving, a Great Pyrenees puppy and holy shit this thing was basically just a little ball of fluff and it was so fucking cute.

Then I struggled to read and so only got 100 pages done.  Same as yesterday.

I finally put in my Streetlight Lullabies cd and it is wonderful.  I got kind of sad and stuff though, for no real reason.

Sleepy.

I had dreams about the week in London when the ex visited me.

And so it is not surprising that I really don't want to get up and go to class and then office hours.

Really, I just want to go back to sleep.

So I started trying to read the book that I need to finish for Wednesday but I got around...five pages in before realizing that I really did not want to read and by sitting here and trying to force it, I was just going to go slower than usual and effectively waste my time.  And instead of then doing something else I really need to do (i.e. add footnotes to the judicial elections memo which was supposed to be done by the end of last week), I'm just kind of sitting here.  Because I was hit with this undeniable sadness and loneliness and work is just going to make it all worse.

I guess I can continue to play Pokemon.  I might be overtraining; I'm in the level 27-29 range with my party, but only have one badge.  I'm not sure but I feel overpowered.  Then again, I saw a Bagon on route 8 before and accidentally killed it, so I've been trying to find another one and hence have been training in that area.  But it has been taking too fucking long and that makes me sad.  I want it.  It will be annoying to get and then try and not kill again though...might make sense for me to put someone who is a lower level in my party just to be safe.

Speaking, party right now reads: Kirlia, Pikachu, Pidgeotto, Wartortle, Vivillon, Braixen

Overall, pleased so far.  Vivillion has surprised me; usually I don't like bug types and I usually don't do well with them, but she has been pretty good to me so far.  Then again, it is still technically early.  Also, I would like a different electric type.  If I can find or get my hands on a Mareep, that would be absolutely wonderful, as Ampharos is my favourite electric type.  Also, I kind of want to try my hands at a different flying type, no matter how much I love Pidgeot.  I was thinking about training Fletchling, but since he evolves into a Flying/Fire and I already have Braixen, I figured that wouldn't make sense (then again, I'm on my way to having a Gardevoir and I know Fennekin's final evolution is half-psychic so that will be fun).  And I wan to make room for Umbreon if I can.

Man, I really wish they would change it to eight in a party instead of six aha because then I wouldn't have all these dilemmas!

And all these desires are based on what I know; I might come across someone I like better than the pokemon I already have preconceived notions of.  


I think my sadness is partially coming from seeing all these homecoming pictures.

Plus I was kind of thinking about how...my desire to be with someone is both high and low, and that doesn't really make any sense.  To try and explain...I miss being with someone.  I do.  I miss that unconditional trust and love and feeling that things were going to be okay and that this person would protect me and I him from bad things and we could just lay around and cuddle and he would let me cry.  Heh, he always saw me cry more than others...because I was able to show my sadness around him.  I couldn't show that same true self to others.  (I showed it more after we broke up because I couldn't hold it back anymore.  The breakup broke my outside persona, and I've been repairing it ever since.)

Then again, every time an opportunity comes up, my stomach turns into a knot and I cannot imagine pursuing anything.  I can't.  I don't want to get close to someone again because I will get hurt.  It will happen again.  I trust no one who says he is interested in me, because I never think it is that he is interested in me as a person.  It is more of a hookup situation.  And despite being frustrated in that category...I don't want to be that.  I did try pursuing things a few times...only for all those times to go downhill.  Then again, in retrospect it is probably good that they did, because I really did not like them the way that I did.  I've returned to convincing myself I like people, because my lack of emotions towards most people is beginning to scare me.  Honestly, I could probably meet the perfect person for me and I would feel nothing.

I can't form connections.  I even feel disconnected from friends, with the exception of one, really.  Without him, I'd probably become a hermit again.  Hell, even with him I am a hermit.  (Speaking, he was super nice and bought Callie a barkbox and that is adorable.)

During my qualifying, I asked my professors about time-management, saying that I was having trouble balancing the work I do for class and the work I need to do for myself.  Really, what I wanted to say is that I really could do things if I had the motivation and everything, but that I feel like I'm fucking drowning in my own apathy and sadness and I feel like I can barely get myself to do the fucking minimum amount of shit I need to do.  But it doesn't look good to tell my professors "listen, I have trouble getting out of bed in the morning to come here how am I supposed to motivate myself to do all the other shit you want me to do please help me."  Or "hey listen I think a lot about driving off a cliff because I hate myself that much and see no goodness in my future, so please bear with me if I take longer than I should on some things."  Nope, neither one of those would work.

And the meds are helping in that I don't feel that crippling sadness every day, but I still have that apathy and lack of emotions...though I'm not sure if those are supposed to help with that.  Plus I don't think they've kicked in entirely yet.  Luckily I am back up to 100 mg.  Woo.  And it helps that I see a doctor every two weeks and he is really nice and everything.

Meh.  I should probably take Callie out and get ready for bed, shouldn't I?

So I just realized that Ace Attorney 5 is coming out in a few days and I am going to have to resist getting it ASAP, considering that I'm going through Pokemon and Kingdom Hearts right now.  The last thing I need is a third 3DS game so I can be in the middle of three of them at once.  And you know...having to do all my work on top of that.

I managed to write a response though my writer's block prevented me from writing anything good.  Then again, I don't think anything I write or do is good.


I wanted to say something about emails but I don't remember what and my writer's block is even hitting me here so I don't want to write about that.  What the shit is wrong with me today.  And yesterday.  And always, really.

A big mess, I am.

I have the biggest writer's block right now, which really sucks because I have ideas for this reaction paper.  I wanted to have the draft done by tonight but I really don't think I can.  I'm having trouble forming coherent sentences and it is really annoying.  

I did manage to read all the articles for Monday and take Callie to the park today, though.  So that is good.  Although I didn't get to go down to Ursinus, I was able to get that all done and everything.  I still wish I was able to go down there, but I am glad I didn't take the risk.  If Cornelius dies for good soon, I really won't be surprised.  

Bah, why can't I write today.  Seriously. 

I decided I am  not going to risk the drive down to Ursinus and back simply because there is a high chance that Cornelius will die either on the way there or on the return trip and knowing my luck it will be in the middle of nowhere and everything.  I know I've been taking the risk with long trips with him before this, but I guess having a mechanic tell me exactly what is wrong with him and tell me "listen, you really need a new car," kind of made me think that I shouldn't risk anything.

Though I keep seeing homecoming statuses on facebook and that makes me sad.

The good thing about staying home is that I can get work done.  And by work, I mean Pokemon.  (But I will seriously try to get a lot of real work done today.  I would like to write a response to an article for Monday and I am supposed to do something with my judicial elections memo and I'm sure I have plenty of other things I should do as well.)

Only thing is that I am really tired - as usual - despite waking up on my own and everything, and I'm not feeling up to doing much of anything.

...again, as usual.


I did end up going out to someone's house last night though.  Got pizza and talked about things.

I was told that I am described as being at the top of my cohort and that made me very "fdhjskfhsk what."  But it was very very nice to hear.

Instead of going out to the bar with people after the two comp presentations, I decided to go with Callie to the doggie park.  I just...I have been feeling anti-social today and everything, and going to a bar doesn't really do anything for me anymore.  It's annoying to have to explain over and over how I don't really like drinking and everything.

The high I felt yesterday has since passed, honestly, so I'm back to feeling that emptiness that I usually feel.  Not anything new there.


I wish I didn't look at him through such cynical eyes.  But I do.  I see so many things through a cynical lens now.


I think I want to order pizza.

So I realized how little I was paying attention to my post when writing earlier because in me talking about how my professors said I was a good writer, I described it as a 'complement' instead of 'compliment' and that is kind of hilarious to me in a "holy fuck I'm derpy" sort of way.

Really.

So now I don't have any big exam things like this until my comps, and that isn't until next year.


Cornelius is dying; I went to get his oil changed and was told that I really needed a new car and everything.  So now I'm not as sure about homecoming, simply because I don't know if I should take the risk driving down there.  I know I did with the Philly Streetlight concert, but I really wasn't entirely sure if he would make it all the way down there either.

I am thinking about renting a car because I really want to go down there and see people.

And I'll need to figure out something for Hallowmas, because I am not missing that and I really do not want to take public transport down.  So unless I get a car before then, I will be renting something then.


I was going to say more, but I'm really tired right now.

Qualifying

So I passed my qualifying.

It went really well, which was good.  I presented my paper and they asked me questions and they said that the results are something that are publishable, and that if I can spend some time on it throughout the next month and everything, I can maybe get it out for review relatively soon.  Which is kind of a big deal.  So yay.
And I was described as being in the top 10% of writers, so that was a really nice compliment.

They said I did a really good job.

The only thing is that one of my committee members forgot and didn't show up.  However, he was really apologetic, so I can probably get him to help me fix this paper up and everything relatively easily.  It is a comparative paper, and that's what he does, so I kind of need to discuss it with him and everything.

I feel like I want to go into more details but I just found out that we apparently have game theory homework.  Bah.


I did finally start Pokemon, though.  Huzzah!  Picked Fennekin as my starter.  Got first badge.  It is fantastic.

I have my qualifying exam tomorrow.

And I don't even care enough to really prepare for it, despite knowing that I should be nervous.  Then again, I'm nervous in name only, if that makes sense.  Where...I have these uneasy thoughts about it and I'm wondering if I'll do alright and if I will pass and whatnot, but...I don't actually feel nervous.

It isn't outside the norm, really.  It is the same how I felt with the whole "I'm excited but not excited" thing for the cruise, Otakon, wedding, etc.

I was told it is because my emotions are shutting down, and that soon my body will also.  That I'm overwhelmed with everything and the stress had made me kind of implode.  And since I'm that stressed and apathetic, that apathy also stretches to my physical health, where I just do not care what happens to me physically.  Which is why I've been eating terribly (as in, back overall to the one meal a day and overloading on caffeine) and why I've been so tired and etc.

I was asked if I want to collapse.  And I said that it was more...I didn't care if I did.

That is how little I care about myself.


The only good thing about that apathy is that is has stretched to where I don't care about how I sound when I reply to him.  I used to wait to try and respond in a manner that conveyed a sense of...still being hurt, but not as livid and destroyed as I have been conveying in my last few replies.  Which is guess is more accurate, but also was brought on due to his responses and whatnot.

I don't know why I should believe he actually tried.

Everything he did just made me feel like I was not worth trying for.

Ugh.

I just.

Ugh.

My stomach is in a knot.

As much as I don't want anyone to go through the shit I have, including him, I wish he could fucking understand where I'm coming from.  But I don't think anyone has ever done this shit to him, so he won't ever get it.  He won't understand.

Some more wedding pics

There will probably be more up, because I'm still sure that only a small handful of pictures just went on facebook.

SO MANY CURLS.  So many.  All the curls.  

BECAUSE TAKING SERIOUS PICTURES ARE FOR LOSERS. 

Air guitar dance with lightsabres.  I can get behind that.

Sent something that is particularly harsh and I don't even care.  Really, it is me finally standing up for myself and calling him out on this bullshit of his and how he doesn't really seem to give two fucks about what he actually did to me.  Despite saying there is no justification for his actions, I wonder if he actually believes that, because he keeps giving me stupid justifications for hurting me and for leaving the way he did.  He keeps saying that he only did things wrong after our relationship ended, when that was not true either.

The fact that he could tell me "relationships are risky" tells me more about him than anything else he has said in this entire email exchange, and shows me that I really did get out of something that would have been awful in the end, because in no universe does he deserve my serious and loving commitment to him, in any way, shape, or form.

In response to my understanding and my love and my sacrifices, he repaid me with abandonment.

Instead of trying to save us by talking to me about things, he up and left, and bounced back from us so incredibly fast.

I deserve more than that.  For all I did for him.  I deserve so much more than that garbage.

"It really seems like you dodged a bullet.  He's not the type of person anyone should want to marry.  He seems like the type that after 10 years would just get up one day and leave, and you don't want someone like that."

My friend telling me this really does help me think that maybe I did escape something that could have been disastrous for me.  I don't think I would be able to handle my partner just up and abandoning me like that; I was barely able to handle it when he was just my boyfriend.  If we had been together longer and had a marriage commitment, I definitely would not have been able to deal.  And he is definitely the type that would do that.  He is definitely the type that would just up and leave a person that he claimed he wanted to spend his life with and loved more than anything and anyone in the world.  He is that type, because he did it to me, and basically tells me I should have expected it because I "took a risk" when we started our relationship.

That taking a risk thing is such shit and he should be ashamed of himself for using that to justify his quick and bullshit shift in feelings and basically saying that I should have expected it when I told him "you made me feel worthless."  Like I wasn't worth his time or his love.  He has a ton of nerve fucking telling me that basically it is alright that I felt like that, because hearts get broken and "that's just what happens."

People who say that are people who don't care what they fucking do to others.  He doesn't care, if he could dare use that shit justification towards me.   

He's right: he is not worth my friendship.  I deserved way better than what he gave to me, even with all my self-hatred.  I deserve better explanations than what I am getting now.  I deserve someone who, when he tells me that he loves me and only wants to be with me, fucking means it.

He is a mistake that I wish I never made, but I cannot erase.

At least no matter how sad or exhausted I am, I can always count on Callie to be extra excited whenever I come home, and that always brings a smile to my face.  I think she was even more excited than usual to see me because I came home a few hours later than I normally do.  So yeah, she was really happy; you know when a dog's tag wags so much that her whole butt moves?  That happened.  And then she just started running around.  It was cute.

Also I feel like he constantly said the "oh well relationships are risks and people get hurt" to justify what he did to me.  Like I assumed the risk, therefore I should have somewhat predicted his "shift" in feelings and shouldn't be so upset about it.  

That is a load of horseshit. 

I don't think it is too much to expect the person who claimed to love me so fucking much to treat me better and to actually try to save what we had.  But relationships mean something really special to me.  I'm alone in that regard, it appears.

Today has just been terrible.

It is one of those days where I'm pretty sure the only thing keeping me from having a complete breakdown is the medication running through my system.

I hate this feeling that I cannot rely on the other TAs to be able to catch mistakes and everything, and it is just putting more work onto me.  There were a few mistakes in the exam which I made; I tried to catch them all before sending them out, but I missed a few.  The others were supposed to double-check my shit and obviously didn't.  And then we were going back and forth concerning a particular question, because my professor and I both interpreted it one way, and the other TAs interpreted it another, and this stupid question kept me from grading for a while and everything and now there is inconsistency among how we all graded and I just feel like a shitty head TA and I want to disappear.

I really do.

And now I have more work to do for my judicial elections stuff and I just feel like I'm suffocating.

I've been shaking all day and have just been physically uncomfortable, but I blame that on lack of sleep and being wired on caffeine just to function like a semi-regular human being.


Relevant song is relevant.  I might post more about that conversation but not right now because I really should get home and everything.

So I got probably around three hours of sleep last night.

I don't think I actually fell asleep until three, considering what I was thinking about, and I woke up at around 6:30 on my own after having too many fucking dreams about him and I and us and I am exhausted mentally and I don't want to be going to class right now at all.  Really, I just want to play Pokemon, but I have a long as shit day today and everything.

Also, something I didn't address because I focused so much on the "oh it was there and then wasn't" thing: I'm glad that him focusing on himself involved wanting to do better in school and practice more fighting games.  Because a) it was definitely my fault he was fucking up, apparently, and b) it isn't like I forced him to stop playing fighting games.  On the fucking contrary, I let him just play and other than once, I kept my mouth shut.  Because I knew that that stuff was important to him and I wanted him to do what he wanted to do since he was going through down periods in his depression and everything.  The only time I said something about it was when he told me that we could not go out to dinner because he had no money but then he was spending it in tournaments.  I didn't even want him to pay for us going out; I was willing to pay so he could still go to the tournament.  I just wanted to spend a fucking hour with him eating out somewhere.  I didn't think that was too much to fucking ask for.  Besides, once I graduated I wasn't even at school most of the time.  So no shit you can practice as much as you want to.  I'm not there.

But no, our relationship definitely cut into his precious fighting game time, so he had to rid himself of it.  Yeah.   That makes sense.

Fuck I deserved so much more than what he gave to me.

I am shaking.

I had to reply to that immediately.  I did.

Fuck you.  Fuck you so hard.  "That stuff was true.  And then it wasn't."

Yeah I'm glad that I could be loved one day and then a shrugged off piece of the past the next.

For all I fucking did for you.

I deserved way better than that.  I deserved way more than a fucking piece of shit who could make me think I was the fucking one at one instance and then be all "LOL NOPE" the next.

I am so mad I can't even think about sleeping right now.

Finally sent something back.

And I was somewhat harsh in my wording, yeah.  But I'm still fucking hurt and angry and I think my apathy about most things is extending to a point where I don't care if he is upset about my language.  He can deal with it.  It is a result of his words and actions so he can finally deal with the consequences of shit he has done.


But I am feeling something instead of the emotionless void.

He does this to me.

Wine Tour

So the wine tour was a lot of fun, though no one threw up and not one person seemed to get belligerently wasted.  Which is apparently a first in wine tour history.  But it was fun to run around to the different wineries and stuff!  I won't lie, I got tired around five and kind of wanted to head home right then, but we ended up not getting back until nine.  That's okay.  And McKenna had a really good time too!  It was nice hanging out with her and seeing her and everything.

I did stop drinking after the third winery, though.  Simply because I could feel my mood dropping significantly with more alcohol I was consuming, and I did not want to turn into a big depressed mess on this thing.  So I figured the best thing to do would be to stop and all.

Roommate's girlfriend really bothered me; she seemed to get very clingy to him whenever I would be talking to him, and at one point when we were eating dinner, she wanted to sit down with us.  We were on benches, and he shifted closer to me to make room for her on the other side, and she forced him to move away from me so that she was in between us.  Which really angered me.  I don't know why she still sees me as a threat, honestly.  Because that is the only explanation for her behaviour, really.


I picked up my copy of Pokemon X, but I'm holding off until tomorrow to play it since I promised roommate that I would wait for his copy to show up from amazon and we could start it at the same time.  It is going to be difficult, but I have Kingdom Hearts to play today and I want to go walk puppies since I haven't in two weeks and I feel bad.  Plus, you know, I have plenty of work I should be doing and whatnot.

I'm still really tired.


I was telling McKenna about my inability to connect with anyone and the emotionless/depressed void I've been trapped in for a while.  That even when I meet people, I don't feel much of anything, so nothing ever comes of it.  She hugged me and said she wanted to make me an OKCupid profile.  Which was amusing to me.

Today was rather frustrating throughout the day; game theory was really slow and annoying, and whenever we are forced to do a group activity I'm always a bit meh about it.  And today I kind of got into this weird mood while we were doing it where I just kind of wanted to run away and everything so I excused myself to the bathroom and berated myself for a little bit.  Which was a great productive way to spend my time, of course.

Though something that was good was that I had a conversation with one of the roommates about things which have been bothering me and the other roommate and instead of beating around the issues in an attempt to avoid a possible argument, I instead was really blunt about things.  And...it might have worked?  Like I might have gotten through to him about things and that is really kind of awesome.  I hope it did, and I think we are all going to talk about it as a group soon, which will be good to actually discuss things.  Because there has been a whole ton of tension in the house and it has really sucked, especially with the rest of the other shit that is going on with me.

Speaking of, I'm kind of nervous about the wine tour tomorrow?  I'm still on medication and I'm nervous about drinking.  I shouldn't since medication, and I shouldn't because the last time I got drunk was...last December, and it was when I revealed the depths of my depression through a sobbing fit and everything.  Yeah, no fun at all.  But maybe since McKenna will be there, I might be happy enough to not show my depression.  Maybe.  I don't know.


I keep rereading this thing over, and part of me wishes I could just call him and yell at him, or something.  But I won't.  It would just be easier to go through everything that is going through my head if I was saying it out loud and all.

I don't know.  There is a chance of seeing him at homecoming next week.

Cereal

So because I've been having some problems eating again as of late (yesterday and this morning were the worst; I was trying to eat and I swear it felt like the biggest chore and I just did not want to but forced myself to anyway and blah), I've been talking to Nancy a lot about foods I like.  My favourite cereal is one that only comes around during Halloween - Count Chocula, because I am a child.  But I've been having trouble finding it.  My mom brought me up a box and that was all I had.

Then today I get an email from Nancy telling me there was a surprise for me.  She found my cereal and bought me three boxes of it and I am so fhskjfd.  She thought of me and did something nice for me and I am so appreciative.


I am still really tired, as I always am, despite waking up on my own and early.  And I don't know what to do about email, because I don't have the energy to respond to it.  There are so many things I want to say, none of which will get through his head, I imagine.

He claims he's trying to understand, but I doubt that, honestly.

Part of me even doubts he's that sorry.  Is he sorry because he severely hurt me?  Or is he just sorry because I am no longer in his life?  That the reason he's sorry is because he lost someone, and not necessarily because of the damage that he did?

I still do not trust him.

Understandably.

I have been unbelievably exhausted for more than a few days straight, even though the amount that I have been sleeping has not actually changed at all.  My sleep hasn't felt very restful for some time now, and so I constantly wake up tired and go to bed tired and go through the day tired and caffeine isn't exactly helping me that much anymore despite me pumping it into my system.

Probably, it is a combination of work, ex-related things, and the lack of food I've been consuming.  The first two have been kind of causing the third, as usual.  Plus I think the medication has been suppressing any appetite I might have.

My mood hasn't been so depressed, but that emotionless apathy has really come out in full force.  I think the only thing that is keeping my mood from being incredibly sad is the meds, honestly.  Because I'm just tired and worn out.  And even while sitting in on a meeting about applying to jobs overseas, which is something I think I want to do later on in my life, I had that sinking feeling that nothing is going to get better and I am going to constantly feel like there's nothing really to look forward to in my future.

I'm supposed to walk puppies today and I don't think I physically can.  I'm that fucking tired, for some reason.


I have so many things I want to say and no energy whatsoever to write them down or even say them.

Also apologizing for something a billion times doesn't make the feelings of worthlessness, the borderline anorexia, and the suicidal fantasies go away, so I'm not sorry for not exactly accepting them with open goddamn arms.

fdshjfkshdkfjds

Holy fuck, this contradiction thing isn't going away.

The reason I see a contradiction is because he did not say "oh I can't be in a relationship because I can't be that emotionally attached anymore."  It was because he specifically said "I need to be alone.  I need to focus on myself.  Etc., etc."

To me, being "alone" and "by myself" means "I do not want to date."  Even casually.  It means you want to be fucking alone.

I kind of want to throw things.


Also had an awkward as fuck house meeting which involved a whole fuckton of mental gymnastics in terms of some people and their chores but I'm not going to get into those details right now.


Bah.  I won't respond right now.  I'm too angry about unrelated things so I don't know if that is skewing my anger towards this shit also.

Empathy

I've been thinking about replying in a somewhat nasty way, because I really am angry about it.

More than half of the things I mentioned did not receive any sort of acknowledgement, which is kind of annoying.

Conversations begin and end when he wants, never when I want them to, which is bothersome.

I don't know why part of me thought that maybe his selfishness eroded, really.  When I really think about it, it was always there, even when we were together.  Even during the time I look back on with some positive spin.

I think I can't fathom his actions because he and I are completely different in the way we see others and treat them.  We're pretty much on two opposite extremes.  He is selfish; the feelings of others are secondary to things that he wants.  Which is why mine mattered second to him keeping me 'as a friend.'  Which is why mine didn't come into his calculations when he so soon began his "moving on process."  Which is why he told everyone that we had a fucking mutual and respectful breakup when that was not even remotely accurate.  Which is why he kept up a faux-relationship with others who cared about him.  Which is why he told me he had to "be alone" and "focus on himself" and then continues to say that he never contradicted himself when he began "romantically moving on" with his life within a month of abandoning me.

For me, on the other hand...everyone's feelings come before my own.  Even complete strangers.  I constantly worry about if I angered someone or made someone else upset, and I willingly don't do things I want simply because others might want something else.  It is why I let him do whatever he needed when we were together.  It is why I stupidly agreed to not look at graduate schools in London.  It is why I tried so hard to be friends with him even though he stabbed me in the back repeatedly after we broke up.  It is why I always had trouble telling him when I was upset when we were together.  It is why, even when I'm so fucking angry at him (and others, really) and want to repeatedly punch him in the throat, I will feel bad about sending something particularly nasty (even if I am still debating doing it).  Even when he deserves my hatred and anger, I'll feel bad about it.

My own self-hatred drives this: to me, everyone else deserves happiness before me.

Neither extreme really is good, honestly.  But I would much rather have my over-empathy, so to say, than to have the almost none that he appears to have.    

So instead of getting work done I started Dream Drop Distance and I forgot how much I enjoy Kingdom Hearts, and since this one returns to the main characters, it is really sweet so far (plus, any chance I have to play as Riku is kind of amazing because he is wonderful and seriously my high school fangirl came out a little bit when I got to play as him).  Oh, and the first world involves the cast from The World Ends With You; so seeing Riku and Joshua in the same scene kind of made me way too happy.  And of course Sora would immediately trust Neku upon first seeing him (though I loved that Neku was very "wtf is wrong with you" at that).

Really, I'd much rather be continuing that than reading.  The reading never ends and since Pokemon comes out on Saturday I'd like to get through a good chunk of this game by then!  I...doubt I'll be able to finish it, but still.

I already warned Brendan: although the wine tour is on Saturday, I can't promise that I will not get my copy of the game and play it while on the bus.  Just saying.


I was texting that guy from the Streetlight concert two days ago and I just...I don't know.  I'm not feeling it.  I'm not.  Then again, I never do, so that isn't exactly surprising to me.

Not that anything would really happen anyway.  I'm a fucking PhD student living in Binghamton.  I don't do anything other than work.  And when I'm not working, you can bet your ass I'm not outside socializing.

I still have a whole ton of feels I haven't really been able to get out but I'm in this mode of not really caring about much, which is probably why I opted to play a game for most of my time when I got home today, and also why I bought the system even though I probably should be saving my money.

Maybe one day I'll just dump an entire feels post somewhere idefk.

3DS!

IT'S SO NICE.  Also preordered X.  

Class today was interesting mostly because we were talking about Congress and since I think I'm going to end up as a Congressional/judicial scholar in my future, I was really attentive and everything.  I might want to think about the whole idea of Congress as a player in the foreign policy arena and figure out a possible way to write a paper on it.  I'm really actually interested in this whole idea of Congress acting as a player in the game of foreign policy and specifically conflict/militarized policy.  I might have to think about this more and everything.

I'm feeling weird today; I feel like I'm going back and forth between this emotionless void feeling and feeling excited about Pokemon and everything.  It is weird.  I'm not too happy about the end of conversation, since again, it feels like it abruptly ended when he chose it to and when I kind of was starting to ask things and hint at things that were perhaps more difficult to answer or address.  Which is annoying, to say the very least, but what the shit ever.

I asked my friend for a commission and she finally finished it!  It's really cool and eeee I love it.

Me with my main doggie pokemon!  This was in response to one time Michelle telling me that she was imagining me with a team of Herdiers only, so I wanted a commission of me with my favourite doggie pokemon aha.  

Goomy

HE'S SO CUTE I'M GOING TO DIE.


Speaking, probs going to pick up a 3DS sometime soon.  Hopefully today, if I can get this reaction paper done in a reasonable amount of time.


Also I love that conversations begin and end when he wants them to.  Whatever.

Video Blog 2

This one involves emotions and shit.  But whatever.  Recorded on Friday.

"Try not to let it ruin your weekend.  I'll say this for sure: he is missing out.  You are so sexy; I think that a lot.  Whenever you go up to the board and do math, it is really sexy.  You go up not arrogant, but confident.  You're a sexy math genius and he is missing out."

This sentiment from my friend made me laugh and feel a little better.  A little.  (And of course blush and be all "dfnsjkfhdsk NO.")


Some other bad thing happened today too which harmed productivity and my desire to do any sort of work and left a bad taste in my mouth.  Things just have not been good today at all, really.

Also a video blog will be up as soon as youtube uploads...

It is kind of amazing that getting that one damn email that I wasn't expecting to get can severely alter my mood.  I was fine...ish, I suppose, and now I've opted not to go to the bar with everyone because my emotional state took a huge hit and I'm in no mood to socialize or be a part of anything fun.  I would not be very good company right now, I know.

I don't think he will ever understand how insulting it is to me for him to "romantically move on" from a year+ long relationship in less than a month.  How I thought and still do think of myself as completely worthless because of that time frame.  That because it took him so little time, I felt as though he believed our relationship wasn't worth dick.  And that I in particular wasn't satisfactory enough to meet his needs anymore, so to say.  So he dropped me and when I realized his "moving on process" took a matter of days, probably, to start...I dunno.  It just all confirmed those self-hating beliefs.  

Maybe no one has ever made him feel that shitty before.

Maybe no one has ever made him think that he just was no longer good enough.

Maybe he's never thought of himself as completely worthless.

So maybe he just doesn't understand.

Maybe he doesn't get how painful it is to realize that someone who told you that he only wanted to be with you for the rest of his goddamn life because of how much he loved you was able to move on from you with no time at all.

Maybe he doesn't understand how much I loved him.  Really, I don't think he does.  I don't know if he ever did.

I'm not like him.  I can't just up and forget about such a special and long romantic relationship and go against a ton of shit I said in the past within a few weeks.  I wish I was like him.  I do.  I really really fucking do.  I wish I could up and peace out and move on so quickly.  But I'm not like him.  

Maybe that's why he is probably fine and shit and I'm still sad.

I woke up at around 7:20 this morning and despite being really tired still, I was unable to fall back asleep.  Which I guess goes hand-in-hand with last night, where it took me longer than usual to actually get to sleep for some reason I still am unaware of.

There is not once ounce of me that wants to go to Game Theory in...35 minutes.  Really, I just want to lie in bed and read this book I need to read and respond to by Monday.  I have an idea of where I want to go with the response, but the book is almost 300 pages long and I'm only...35 in.  So yeah.

Comp presentations start today too, so it isn't even like I can skip the IR workshop anymore.  Which really blows.

...Callie was apparently trying to play with a stink-bug and killed him, it looks like.  Yep.  Definitely killed him.


There might be a feels post sometime soon.  I dunno.  Lately whenever I get on here to write about that sort of thing I end up blanking on what it is I want to say.

So it is comforting to talk to a friend about how much...this semester has sucked, really.  

How we both just feel burnt out and exhausted all the time, and how we dread going to classes a lot of times now.  Mostly because the third years are just...detrimental to discussion, a lot of times.  Not all of them, of course, but a good chunk of them.  They just get very...full of themselves.  Whenever people bring up a theory they don't like, they just huff and roll their eyes and act really condescending.  And it just kind of blows to be in that kind of environment.  

I'm just constantly tired, and even now...I'm typing instead of sleeping, because I know when I wake up, I'll have to go to Game Theory and I just don't want to.  I really don't at all.  

Blargh.  Too tired to continue. 

So the concert last night was absolutely amazing, which I'm not surprised about.  It is Streetlight after all.  They played a slightly different set than the last two concerts, which was enjoyable.  And the openers were great.

I did meet a guy, and we exchanged numbers.  I won't be surprised if he doesn't text or vice-versa, simply because he goes to Temple and thus lives in Philly.  He was nice, though kind of...handsy.  And very forward.  He kept saying that he thought I was really pretty and cool and I got all fdjskfhsd because that is always my reaction.  But he was fun and he made me laugh.  His opening line to me actually was about my "spiky pants" and that I should be careful with moshing because I might hurt someone with them.  Obviously, he was joking, so I said that I'd be very careful, and only hurt people a little bit; as much as people get hurt while moshing.

Speaking of, I am incredibly bruised, and it is awesome.  Even Brendan made a comment about it.  It looks like I got in a fight.  Right before the first encore song, people opened up a big circle for skanking and moshing purposes, and Tomas noticed, laughing and saying, "aw look, you guys are already getting prepared to hurt each other!"  And then he gave us rules (those being 1. don't seriously hurt anyone; 2. if anyone falls, pick them up; and 3. you know what to do) before starting "Somewhere in the Between."  It was incredible.

Also, something a bit weird: a random guy (he looked younger than me) asked to take my picture, and I was all "uh, okay?" and let him because I was laughing and stuff, I don't know.  Maybe I looked like someone he recognized or something.  But it was...interesting, to say the least.

Overall, I am very pleased.  Next concert scheduled is Hallowmas with World/Inferno!


It's been three weeks tomorrow since I've heard anything, making me think I'm not going to hear anything else.  Eh.

Right now

Paper idea

My Congress class never goes for the full time and I am 100% okay with this.  Though the day that it actually does go for the entire three hours is going to feel absolutely awful and long and I hope that it never comes to that!

I may have figured out a paper for one of my classes - for my IR class, we don't need to write on something in IR, which is good for me.  But my professor does want something which is difficult to measure, and for us to take a risk, so to say.  So, what with the government shutdown and everything, I was thinking something like...has the rise of the Tea Party caused a decline in the quality of legislation.  And then when I was discussing this idea with one of the third years, he said he would point me towards something which looked at the reading level of judge's opinions.  So it would be cool to see some sort of relationship between the rise of the Tea Party and its hijacking of the Republicans and a dumbing down of legislative proposals and laws.

IT'D BE REALLY FUNNY actually.  Political science humour right there.

So I don't know if this is possible but I think it might be fun to look at.  Honestly, to me, the Tea Party is horrid but fascinating.  Like in a "watching a train wreck" kind of way.

I want to get some things done before heading down to Philly.  I think I'm going to try and leave here by three.  Also I'm going to take Cornelius because he seems fine again and...I really don't want to rent a car.  Though I will regret this decision if he breaks down on the way there or back.

I'm excited, yet tired.  I should probably nap or something, but I really want to get work done since I'm effectively losing tonight and tomorrow morning for concert and driving.  Which I'm okay with; it just means I need to work now...even though I don't want to.

I am a bit bummed that no one I know is going to this concert too, but oh well.  It isn't like I haven't ridden solo before, and I know I definitely won't care once Streetlight comes on!

It is sometimes weird or difficult to explain my cynicism to people who genuinely still have faith in the overall goodness of humanity.  It makes me feel almost evil, for thinking that way, but I cannot help it.  My lack of trust in other human beings stems from a variety of things: being berated and ridiculed in a retail service job; studying political science, where I have to pay attention to the government and its politicians and I kind of hate a large portion of them; the betrayal of my ex, who I had placed more trust in than any other person (besides members of my immediate family and my best friend from childhood, really) and he took advantage of that trust to continually lie to me.

So I have this view of not wanting to get hurt again; I don't trust people as easily and overall don't think people have very good intentions (with exceptions, of course).  It is just a contrast from how I once thought, really.  But now, even when friends do something suspicious, I immediately think of how they are going to use that to screw me over or shirk on their responsibilities or something.  I rarely give people the benefit of the doubt in my own mind anymore.

It sucks that I have developed this mentality, but it makes sense, really.  To me, it does.  I just do not want to ever be in a position again where I unconditionally trust and that trust is taken advantage of.  I don't.


Streetlight concert tomorrow and I am super excite for it.