It is kind of amazing that getting that one damn email that I wasn't expecting to get can severely alter my mood.  I was fine...ish, I suppose, and now I've opted not to go to the bar with everyone because my emotional state took a huge hit and I'm in no mood to socialize or be a part of anything fun.  I would not be very good company right now, I know.

I don't think he will ever understand how insulting it is to me for him to "romantically move on" from a year+ long relationship in less than a month.  How I thought and still do think of myself as completely worthless because of that time frame.  That because it took him so little time, I felt as though he believed our relationship wasn't worth dick.  And that I in particular wasn't satisfactory enough to meet his needs anymore, so to say.  So he dropped me and when I realized his "moving on process" took a matter of days, probably, to start...I dunno.  It just all confirmed those self-hating beliefs.  

Maybe no one has ever made him feel that shitty before.

Maybe no one has ever made him think that he just was no longer good enough.

Maybe he's never thought of himself as completely worthless.

So maybe he just doesn't understand.

Maybe he doesn't get how painful it is to realize that someone who told you that he only wanted to be with you for the rest of his goddamn life because of how much he loved you was able to move on from you with no time at all.

Maybe he doesn't understand how much I loved him.  Really, I don't think he does.  I don't know if he ever did.

I'm not like him.  I can't just up and forget about such a special and long romantic relationship and go against a ton of shit I said in the past within a few weeks.  I wish I was like him.  I do.  I really really fucking do.  I wish I could up and peace out and move on so quickly.  But I'm not like him.  

Maybe that's why he is probably fine and shit and I'm still sad.