So it is the last day of 2015 and while I know I'm very pleased to put this terrible year behind me, I also don't feel much relief or happiness going into 2016.

The past few days I've spent staying up until around 4 in the morning and then sleeping until around 1 or 2 and wanting to stay asleep even more but deciding not to because I know I wouldn't hear the end of it from the fam.  And I've been having vivid dreams that have made me feel even more tired, so...that's always fun.

Nothing feels special to me anymore, or at least it hasn't in the past few weeks.  Christmas, New Years...they're just days.  Nothing special really about them.  Not anymore.

I've been invited to two different parties for tonight and I'm not going to either of them because they require traveling and I don't want to do that.  Also because I know in my current state I would just bother everyone and be a big stain on everyone's fun time.  And of course, I don't need the reminder of everyone being happy with their relationships and whatnot while I sit around alone.  While I have become more comfortable again with being single romantically and everything, it is more that people actually have relationships with others that are fulfilling to them.  Whereas I feel hollow in almost every interaction I have with friends, lately.  It's not their fault, of course.  I'm just terrible overall and can't seem to hold a connection to anyone.


Eh, maybe more later.

Well, Christmas has come and gone and despite going to Dee's place and being with family and everything, it just felt like an ordinary day, honestly.  Most days feel the same to me, even the so-called special ones.  Everything kind of blurs together in a sea of gray and bland, for the most part.

(Except playing scatergories.  That was fun, despite how much I suck at that game.)

I did get some cool stuff (xbox one!), which was nice.

But overall I still feel as uninspired as ever.

I really need to get back to sleeping normally.

Also I ran home earlier than I originally planned because I was having depressive episodes in Bing.

...I should write more in this but I've instead been spending my days wasting away.

Despite my asking to be an RA for fucking once rather than a TA because goddamn I am sick of being a fucking TA it is all I've been since starting grad school, I of course get saddled with being a TA again, for the fucking intro to American class and all the hope I had the other day about going back has vanished into thin air.

And then I tried to ask to be the Game Theory TA instead...because that could actually do me some good, but I was told no and I'm just.

Why do other people get whatever they want and first years are fucking given assignments as RAs and I'm stuck TAing again.

I am not going to be the one to talk to the landlord again about a major appliance issue when there are two other adult people in this house.

I finally got her to give us the new stove I don't feel like being the one to talk about a new washing machine or getting it fixed or anything.

Sorry but I really don't want to, and don't look so disappointed when I say that someone else can do it for a change.

Due to some paperwork that needed to be done, I ended up having to go back yesterday to Bing.  It actually hasn't been terrible and everything, which is good.  I know it has only been two days but still.

Last night some shit went down with a friend and I helped him some, but I won't go into details about it for reasons.  And then today I was around the office a little bit and people were really happy (or at least it seemed) to see me and that felt kind of good.  And the secretary today told me I looked good, which I kind of appreciated since I've been feeling awful about my weight gain recently and stuff.  I unfortunately stopped running because I can't commit to anything whatsoever but hopefully I will restart tomorrow.  I am curious about what happens in my Zombies app next and so I would like to go figure that out.


Also recently I had a dream about Supergirl.  And I've been watching Jessica Jones and it is so fucking good, I can't.

I really hate being asked what I want for Christmas/birthdays/holidays in general.

Like...I do have some things in mind but then I tell myself things such as "no that's too big, I can't ask for that," or "no that's dumb I can get that myself when I get money" or the like.

Ultimately I've come to the conclusion that I tell myself these things because I don't think I deserve to get gifts from anyone.  I don't want to ask for things that I don't think I should get from others.

Felt not so great throughout the day.

Emotionally, particularly.

Physically too, but less so, even though I told my parents I really wasn't feeling well.  Most of that was an emotional thing.

So I laid around all day doing nothing.

Yay.