Lagging while playing Halo is one of the most frustrating things I think I've ever experienced.  That and constantly being respawned behind enemy lines what the fuck game of course I'm going to die over nine thousand fucking times. 

Haven't spoken to guy since this morning and I'd really like to keep it that way for the time being.  Part of me is wondering if that's fair: he told me the truth, and now that I know he's not relationship material I feel like backing off?  It seems unfair of me.  I would like him as a friend, yes, but...I dunno.  I don't want to talk to him right now.  Really, I wish he had told me this much earlier than he had, because then I could have avoided certain texts and everything and not gotten so...attached.  (Not to mention maybe got cruise guy's number since I didn't do that.  Wah.)  If that is the right way to put it, I suppose.  I don't really know.  

(Also funny is that I was actually thinking about asking him to come with me to my sister's wedding, but I was hesitant because family will be around and all and I didn't know if that would weird him out.  But yeah.  Definitely not going to ask him now.  Derp.)

Part of me wonders if I annoy Anisha too much about this stuff.  I texted her about it earlier when we were going back and forth and she didn't get back to me and I'm kind of in this state of needing to talk to her but she's so busy with work so I don't like to bother her and everything either.  But I really need to talk to her.  I just feel so fucking detached from everyone right now and she's usually the one that can snap me back.  And there are others I could go to but I feel like all I do is talk about this stuff or the ex or other stupid fucking problem and it is probably annoying to everyone and everyone would rather tell me to shut up but they're all too polite.  Bah.  

Heh, maybe it is a good thing that my session had to get rescheduled for tomorrow instead of it being yesterday.  

I've actually gotten a decent amount of work and other stuff done today considering what I was smacked with before.  Though I am in a state of...emotionlessness.  Which is kind of draining in and of itself.  I was sad and I guess technically I still am but I don't really feel anything.  Just kind of a void.  And of course, that little berating voice in my head hasn't really been able to shut up at all today.  Woo.

And I don't mean to make this sound like a pity-party sort of deal, which I know I probably am, but...eh.  Whatever.  I know it is my fault.  I should have realized, just like I should have realized with everyone else.  With the ex, with electrical engineer, with musician guy, and now with first year.  It's all on me, because I should know better and should be able to perceive things better and everything.

I think I'll play Halo to try and feel something.  It usually frustrates me at least, so there is some sort of emotion, even if that one is well...frustrating.  Ha.

Callie got a bath today at Petsmart so she smells awesome.  Woo.

There was something else I wanted to say but I don't remember right now.  I'm just kind of tired and everything, really.

Sometimes paranoia is justified, really.

Heh, I've been in a perpetual state of being the hookup since my break with the ex.

And the saddest thing is that I kind of saw this coming.

And while I appreciate him telling me the truth.

It still sucks and hurts.

Plus the timing really fucking sucks.

guy

Guy said he was feeling down earlier today and - like I said - I don't want to pry, but I am very concerned and wish there was something I could do to help him feel better.  Really.

I have been thinking about him all day, which is good at least.

I don't like it when people I really care about are sad.  And I know there is not much I can do to help, but I wish there was something more.

I just hope he is okay.

And I keep wishing to get a text that isn't coming.

More Cruise Pictures

Obviously image heavy.  But Joanna posted hers up so now I wanna put more here aha. 

I feel like this picture sums up our relationship quite nicely. 

See this ocean?  All this ocean belongs to me.  

I don't know how to take a picture ever.  Also photobomb on the plane.

Dune buggy driving!  I really really really had way too much fun with that thing.

Castle/fort in San Juan!  It was kind of really awesome to go in and walk around and everything.

See?  Cat lady.  But they were absolutely adorable.

Grand Turk is pretty.  Also, I had to put in a shot of me walking because my sister took so many of those for some reason.

Here's another in San Juan.

And Half Moon Cay. 

Feeling a bit better about things but really only because I haven't been trying to think about them all too much.  Dexter and work provided some nice distractions. 

I guess Nancy forgot to put me in for today since I wasn't in the schedule and someone else was in my time slot.  Kind of upset about that, since I really wanted to talk to her about my feels and everything and about the cruise and how I felt next to nothing beforehand and sometimes during.

Luckily I got rescheduled for Thursday, so that's good at least.

Going to try and see what work I can get done today.  I took my usual session time to look up a whole bunch of new articles about judicial recusal.  So.  Joy.

Meh.  Guy still isn't talking since he is still down and I'm still kind of...I dunno.

You know, I know I am supposed to be kind of learning to not hate myself quite so much.  I know I am supposed to see my imperfections as human and a good thing.  Rather than scold myself for having certain feelings and thoughts, I should accept them and realize that although some may be problematic, it is okay that I feel that way.  Recognizing that they are problematic is the key, but I should not berate myself over those thoughts or feelings.

But sometimes I really can't help but hate myself more and more with certain thoughts and feelings.

And I know that a perfect person would just not...think that way.  And wouldn't have the pain that comes along with them.  Thus, I'm back to wishing perfection upon myself and hating myself because I cannot attain that standard.

Even though in my eyes, I should be.  Not for some egotistical sense of "oh well I need to be perfect because I'm that much better than everyone else."  Nothing like that.  More like..."I will only accept myself as a good person and a person worth loving and worth time and worth being missed when I am perfect because no one will ever miss my imperfections."

The feelings I've been having recently about the news has caused these thoughts to resurface tenfold.  And although I'm kind of...not feeling much, it doesn't diminish the little voice in my head telling me what a complete and utter fucking moron I am.  I have other guys in my life.  A guy I just met for a week was interested in me.  A guy I talk to every day is interested in me.  So why the shit does my mind sometimes turn to the one who threw me away so easily?  Especially after so fucking long.  It isn't like he sits there thinking about me or anything right?  And again, even if he does (which he doesn't), it isn't as though that would change the past.  It wouldn't erase all the crap he did to me and it wouldn't make me hate him any less than I do.

So it is frustrating to me that I recognize all this in my head.  Logically, I know what I should feel.  And what I should think.  But my feelings don't follow that logic (I am trying to refrain from saying they're illogical, despite me thinking that in reality, because that kind of...diminishes and dismisses them).  And that is frustrating.  And imperfect.

And right now, I hate that imperfection.

I know the idea of thinking that someone is upset with me when they say they're feeling down and then don't really talk to me is more than a little egotistical.  And paranoid.  But I'm not the type who is going to push for an explanation, since that is kind of messed up and all.  I am curious, but unless that information is freely given to me, I don't really like prying.  

I have a book I should finish before tomorrow's meeting with my professor.  I swear I got more work done on my cruise than I have in the two weeks prior to it.  How the shit does that even make sense? 

I might take Callie to the doggie park later today.

Man, I feel like I had more to write in this right now, but I'm kind of just drawing blanks at the moment.  

Guess who is dorky and loserish enough to record herself singing a Say Anything song to hear how her singing voice actually sounds, because she knows it is not the same as what she herself hears and everything? 

That's right, this girl. 

Not right now, I might also do a Death Cab song because I sing those an octave higher a lot of times. 

Derp. 

Funny thing is that I don't even like my voice all that much.  I just like to sing.  

Was gonna play Halo.  Might just wait until tomorrow to do that now because I am tired as fuck man. 

When did I get so damn old.

Spent today walking doggies and then went over to training and everything and got some more advice on how best to continue trying to deal with Callie's separation anxiety and everything.  It was a really nice day.  That cruise really did some wonders for me, honestly.  I feel much more relaxed and not as crazed and all.  And I know that this is temporary, as it is only a matter of time until my feels start acting up again, but I'll welcome this nice change for now.

Speaking of, though, I still wonder if my doctor wants to talk to me about my refill on the medication.  I called her, but she hasn't gotten back to me, so I'm not sure if I should try calling again?  Just because I really...do think I need to stay on those.  I actually requested to go up to a 100 mg dose officially (especially since I was pretty much taking 100 mg instead of the 75 I was supposed to be anyway), so maybe she wants to ask me about that?


Session tomorrow, and I'm definitely going to tell her about my happy reaction to the news.  That happy reaction that I'm still concerned about.  Hopefully she will give me some needed advice and everything.

Heh, is it funny or sad that I sometimes wonder if he thinks about me in a similar manner I do him?  Probably more sad.  Because even if the answer to that was yes (and I'm sure it is not), it wouldn't necessarily alleviate my hatred for him or anything.  It is more of a...curiosity.


I should text guy.

Emotions are bullshit man

Asking friends for advice on my happy reaction to the news that might possibly be true.

One told me that having those is human, but that it is also really important and really good that I recognized that my happy reaction was probably unhealthy.  That the reasons I gave for being happy were not very good for me mentally, but I recognized that instead of giving excuses for it.  That realizing that is more important than anything.  Possibly, I can stop those emotions because I see that they're unhealthy and the reasons behind them are bullshit.

Another friend told me that those feelings are still understandable because he and I had such a deep bond.  So much so that I still am not completely past it, and that is okay.  That I can feel that way, because he's still not out of my head (/heart, in a way, even though it is hatred...).  (I did tell her that I wish we didn't have that bond - or I least the one-sided one that I had with him, if that makes sense - just so that I would be able to toss him away the same way he did me.  That'd be waaaaaaay fucking easier.)

I told her that...I'm really scared.

I'm scared that despite my hatred for him, I sometimes think he was it.

That I won't have that sort of intense attraction or love for anyone else.

And I know that thinking like that is really fucking stupid.  Because I'm so young and because there is no "one" person who is really right.  I guess.  Statistically anyway.  That shit makes no sense.

But I still find myself with those fears.  Those stupid fucking fears that surface around these times.

Where you can hate "the one" because he is a colossal douchecanoe who betrayed you and caused you so much pain, but you still won't feel any true connection like that again.  (And I know I have liked others, but not in the same way.)

She told me basically that those fears are understandable, but unnecessary.  That there are plenty of others out there, and that the connection will happen again, even if I don't think it will.

And the sad thing is that I know this.  Really, I do.  I know it is stupid to think of him like that and everything.  It makes no sense.  (Really, I shouldn't even worry about this bullshit while I'm trying to get my degree.)

I guess that is where first friend's advice comes in.

Recognizing that it is bullshit can help me stop thinking about things like that, maybe.

Luckily, I don't really...feel anything right now.

Huh.

Thing

I don't know if it is true.

But it might be.

And I find it problematic that that makes me happy.

And not in a "heh" kind of way.  You know, that kind of smug sort of happiness.

But in an actual happy kind of way.  Not euphoric, but kind of a step towards that.

Why is that.

I don't even know if it is true.

Got back to Binghamton around six, and before I went inside I decided to walk Callie around.  Immediately saw Adam and Harry, and they're watching a dog who lives down the street, so we let all of them off leash to run around and play with each other, and then Ralph was let out too and she seemed so happy to see her friends again, which made me happy!

Then I went inside and it is so damn nice in here.  It looks like Brendan cleaned up everything and I'm really grateful that he did all this and all and I'm super pleased and relaxed and not stressed right now and it is so nice.

I made pasta and I made too much.  Oops.  It is delicious though.  Four cheese sauce with mozzarella added to make it five cheese?  Awesome.


Also what the hell Blogger why did you make this a draft.

I have two pups by me - one on either side - and that is good.  Though I am concerned because Callie was apparently a troublemaker when I was away.  I do think it was because I was gone for too long, maybe.  She does already only selectively listen to people who are not me, so...yeah.  But it sounds like she had fun with Jack and stuff and that is what matters.

I feel bad because my next two weekends are booked too...hopefully after Otakon weekend I won't have any more traveling to do for a while and that would be good.

Speaking of Ota, I am kind of stoked.  I need to iron my jacket and I should ask McKenna what the wig process is looking like.  And then I need to get my fangs all set up and everything.  I don't think I'll do the blue contacts, as much as I kind of want to.  I also bought a peace sign necklace to go in place of the swastika because nope.  Not doing that.

Waiting for Dee to return with doughnuts.  Om nom doughnuts.


Also super curious about something.  Hmmm.  But won't snoop around to find out.  Probably, anyway.

Some pics (image heavy)

Alright, here are some pictures because I took so many so I want them featured on this blog.  Also because it is easier to tell stories via pictures, of course.

After leaving Miami, first we stopped at Half Moon Cay, which is a private island.  This is what the beach is like.  White sands, crystal waters...it is amazing, and this is coming from someone who isn't really a beach person at all. 

I did do my running man impersonation.  (Running man being the running guy who is on European exit signs.  Love that guy.) 

Gotta have one of me and Joanna!  Had loads of fun with her on the cruise. 

THIS IS THE WATER my god I want. 

In St. Thomas, these wild Iguanas were running around and even though the sign said not to feed them...we did.  But we fed them these tiny flowers that were falling off the trees above, so we figured that would be okay. 

Archer tower in San Juan!  Near the castle. 

Alright, so San Juan was incredibly hot.  We were walking around the city, and there were plenty of stray kitties.  When we sat down on a bench, this one came right up to us and wanted to be petted.  And this kitty chilled with us for maybe 10-15 minutes before we decided to keep on going.  And he wasn't the only one who showed up actually aha.  We looked like crazy cat ladies.  But it was adorable. 

CANONS MAN.  CANONS.

And drove the dune buggy in Grand Turk.  It was awesome and I kind of really would like one now. 

Being kind of lazy and skimpy with the deets, and more pics will possibly be up in another entry since my sister hasn't put her stuff up yet either and I'm waiting for those.  Especially the ones taken with the underwater camera when we were snuba-ing.  I'm hoping those came out awesome. 

Return

Returned home about a half hour ago.  Cruise was all sorts of fun, though I was concerned about the fact that there were days where I either felt sad or listless or...nothing.  Yeah, that happened, unfortunately.  But I guess that is what happens when I go with no meds that I probably should be on, ha.  And I never really felt that super great euphoria that I felt on my last cruises.  But that is based on how I've been and the fact that I feel like I am in a low point in this emotional roller coaster that is me and all.

But it was a lot of fun.  Went snuba-ing (a combo of snorkeling and scuba diving) in St. Thomas, visited a castle in San Juan, and drove a dune buggy in Grand Turk.  Also bought a lot of booze for friends and stuff.  And for me, of course, despite the fact that I haven't been drinking much aha.  To my credit, all I bought for myself was some Malibu Coconut Rum and Crystal Head Vodka, which I've always wanted to try but have not been able to.  Bought guy some Appleton Rum and some little things of Patron, only the first of which he is aware of.  He wanted to pay me back but I insisted that he let it be a gift and all.  And then I bought some stuff for other friends as well.

Something I kind of liked was that I had a cruise guy sort of?  No romantic things happened because I said that I had a potential thing back home (and also because honestly a week-long romance seems dangerous; I did that once before at CONA with Brooks and I was kind of a huge mess and devastated afterwards, despite knowing that distance and only knowing each other for a week would prevent anything).  But he was really sweet to me.  He was always looking for me and talked to me about nerdy things (he got really excited once I said I played Halo and started going into details about other games, and he would be like "oh I'm sure you've never watched/played it..." but then would mention DBZ and I'd get all nostalgic and talk about how Vegeta was my favourite and my crush even though he was a huge dick aha).  And he would tell me I was interesting and pretty and we did talk about exes (he asked me) and things he told me made me smile and stuff.  He really really appreciated my interests aha, especially since the two friends he was with didn't like the same things.  I don't think they liked me very much though, since whenever I showed up, he would move away from them and chill with me.  And I wouldn't mind hanging out with them, but he always gravitated to me, aha.  But it was kind of...really nice to have someone who was so interested in me and just wanted to hang out with me, even though there was little possibility for anything sexual to happen, and he was aware of that.  He just...seemed to enjoy my company.

And on days where I would wake up after a dream about the ex, that was kind of really nice.  Because those did happen, and it was particularly annoying because I was surrounded by blue as fuck water and knew that he would love that and all.

But then cruise guy would show up, and it would pass.  Or I'd think about Binghamton guy, and it would definitely pass.  Because he also loves the water and the beach so it was nice to think that he would like it and he would love to be on the boat and would have fun and everything.

Did get more work done on the boat than I did in the week beforehand too.  That's weird, but it worked out!

I'll probably post some pictures and stuff later, but right now I'm waiting for laundry to finish so I can head up to Dee's tonight for Callie.  I was told she kind of destroyed some stuff and I know it was probably because I've been gone for too long and stuff.  Also I miss her and want to see her.

Port

Sitting in the port right now waiting to get on the ship. Flight was good and drive over to Miami was also good, but I am feeling the lack of sleep right now.  Kind of would love to fall asleep but kind of can't right now. Also security had to check my bag and she told me not to study too much. So it is apparent that I brought a decent amount of work. And the sad thing is that I'll probably have an easier time doing work on the boat than I do at home.

I feel bad because I didn't call Anisha at midnight for her birthday, so I'm waiting a bit more for an acceptable Saturday time to call her. I am not sure what time she gets up on the weekends and everything.

Still waiting for the burst of excitement. I am excited, and I know I am, but I still don't feel much. It makes me concerned, and I wish my doctor called me back about my medication. Not that I would've wanted to take it on the boat with me, since I'd not be able to drink as much.

Waiting waiting.

Music Asks

I'm bored, and while I should sleep since I need to get up at 4 in the morning to get to the airport by 5, I'm going to instead answer these music asks I found on tumblr.  I should put it on there, but...meh.  I don't use my tumblr with the exception really of news and pictures anymore.

Also got Ice Cream Cottage before, and I'm concerned that that was the only time of the day where I actually felt something.  Hm.


1) A song you like with a colour in the title.
      - "Yellow Cat (Slash) Red Cat" by Say Anything
2) A song you like with a number in the title.
      - "Thirteen Years Without Peter King" by The World/Inferno Friendship Society
3) A song that reminds you of summertime.
      - "July, July!" by the Decemberists
4) A song that reminds you of someone you would rather forget about.
      - "Such Great Heights" by The Postal Service
5) A song that needs to be played loud.
      - "We Are the Few" by Streetlight Manifesto and "Hopeless Romantic" by the Bouncing Souls
6) A song that makes you want to dance.
      - "Ich Erinnere Mich An Die Weimarer Republik" by The World/Inferno Friendship Society
7) A song to drive to.
      - "Mountain Sound" by Of Monsters and Men
8) A song about drugs or alcohol.
      - "Swimming Hole" by Stolen Babies (alcohol is a theme, anyway)
9) A song that makes you happy.
      - "Zen and the Art of Breaking Everything in This Room" by The World/Inferno Friendship Society
10) A song that makes you sad.
      - "Someday You Will Be Loved" by Death Cab for Cutie
11) A song that you never get tired of.
      - "Somewhere in the Between" by Streetlight Manifesto
12) A song from your preteen years.
      - "Helena" by My Chemical Romance (okay okay, I was a teenager already but it still reminds me of preteen me, for some reason)
13) One of your favourite 80's songs.
      - "Should I Stay or Should I Go" by The Clash and "This Could Be Anywhere (This Could Be Everywhere)" by Dead Kennedys
14) A song that you would love played at your wedding.
      - "Brown Eyed Girl" by Van Morrison
15) A song that is a cover by another artist.
      - "Keasbey Nights" by Streetlight Manifesto (I know Catch 22 was basically their band anyway BUT I DON'T CARE shut up.)
16) One of your favourite classical songs.
      - "Peter Lorre Overture" by The World/Inferno Friendship Society (yes I am cheating but shut up it starts out classical)
17) A song that you would sing a duet with someone on karaoke.
      - "Wish Me Well (You Can Go to Hell)" by the Bouncing Souls
18) A song from the year that you were born.
      - "Cherry Pie" by Warrant
19) A song that makes you think about life.
      - "What Sarah Said" by Death Cab for Cutie
20) A song that has many meanings to you.
      - "We Will Become Silhouettes" by The Postal Service
21) A favourite song with a person's name in the title.
      - "The Apple Was Eve" by The World/Inferno Friendship Society
22) A song that moves you forward.
      - "Ungrateful" by Streetlight Manifesto and "Going Out In Style" by Dropkick Murphys
23) A song that you think everybody should listen to.
      - "Alive With the Glory of Love" by Say Anything and "The Big Sleep" by Streetlight Manifesto
24) A song by a band you wish were still together.
      - "Synchronicity II" by Sticks and Stones
25) A song by an artist no longer living.
      - "Heart Shaped Box" by Nirvana
26) A song that makes you want to fall in love.
      - "Bigger than Love" by Benjamin Gibbard and "I Want to Know Your Plans" by Say Anything
27) A song that breaks your heart.
      - "Transatlanticism" by Death Cab for Cutie
28) A song by an artist with a voice that you love.
      - "The Hands that Thieve" by Streetlight Manifesto/Toh Kay, "Dream Song" by Benjamin Gibbard, and "Addicted to Bad Ideas" by The World/Inferno Friendship Society
29) A song that you remember from your childhood.
      - "Hey Jude" by The Beatles
30) A song that reminds you of yourself.
      - "A Better Place, A Better Time" by Streetlight Manifesto and "Total Revenge" by Say Anything


OKAY now I should try to sleep since it is now midnight.  Christ.

I feel like I should be more excited for tomorrow than I am, but I'm kind of just tired today and kind of...not really feeling anything.  It's weird.  Maybe I'll feel it more when I'm on the plane or when I finally get on the boat or something.

Speaking of, I don't know if I'll be able to update at sea.  Not sure if 4G works out there or not, so might be a while after tomorrow until I post again.

Heh, last time I was on a cruise, I wrote letters every day.  Probably won't do the same thing again, because it will bring up memories and all that bullshit.  If anything, I'll just type something up somewhere and store it and all.  Don't need to necessarily post it right then and there.

I realized I forgot my belts so I went out and bought two new ones.  Because I really can never have too many belts anyway, so I didn't really care about spending to get new ones.  The store was also playing "The Hands that Thieve" album, so I was in there way longer than I should have been.  Oops.

Pizza and movies with fam tonight before we head out early tomorrow morning.

Streetlight announced more shows.

October 1st.  NYC.  Irving Plaza (a venue I love).

Miiiiiiight get on that too.


Got home about an hour ago.  I think Callie will have fun with Dee and Nelson.

Bigger post when I wake up.

While I'm packing up Callie's stuff all I'm thinking is whether or not I'm doing the right thing.  Should I be sending her to Dee's, or should I just leave her here with Brendan?  No matter what I do, I'll probably think it is wrong.  Because that is how I am.  And if something bad happens to her, I'll know I should have done the opposite.

Man, I'm just worried.  About everything.  And I don't want Brendan to be upset that I'm having Dee watch her instead of him now.

Headache.  I've had one for like.  Days.

Can't wait to be cruising.  I could use a little relaxation.

Fixed some template stuff.  Hopefully this works out better and everything.

Played some Halo after finishing laundry and packing and all.

Still in a mode of not caring about anything.  Both tired and not tired right now, which is probably why I'm still awake.

Gonna leave tomorrow around noon.  Still planning on taking Callie to my sister's, though...I dunno.  Now I feel like I'm overreacting.  Maybe I should just let her stay here...

No matter what I do I'll probably think it is wrong, so whatever, I guess.

random

You know, I remember when I told him for the first time that I felt like it wouldn't matter if something really bad happened to me.  And he responded that it would matter.  To a lot of people.  To him, it would.

I did believe that.

I don't believe that now.

Man, it is almost laughable how much I just don't care about anything right now.  I'm forcing myself to pack and do laundry even though I would rather just play Halo and continue to avoid things I have to do for the rest of my life.

I reread Hyperbole and a Half's whole thing about her depression, and although I haven't experienced exactly the same thing, it is kind of scary how accurate that shit is.

And I think Brendan is either upset or angry about the fact that Callie isn't staying with him now, but I have many reasons for that, and I would just feel more comfortable leaving her with Dee and Nelson now.  And/or he's not happy that I said yesterday that I wouldn't see the dog he is looking at today, even though I said before that I would go if need be and stuff.  I don't know.  I can't tell these things?

I ate some mini crunch bars that I probably shouldn't have, because now my tummy hurts a little even though it is dinnertime.  At least I had a sandwich for lunch, which is healthier than normal for me, I suppose.

The new student was nice.  He looked a lot like musician guy, actually.  Took me a bit to realize that.


My friends don't really like guy, but it kind of hurts when they say that he's going to be the "Jerry" of his cohort.  ("Jerry" being a nickname for my ex-roommate; it represents the person in the cohort that no one likes and is really annoying and stuff.)  Now...he does come off arrogant and very strong, but...I dunno.  Despite some sad feels surrounding him lately, he hasn't done anything wrong, and has only tried to help me with things.  So I don't like when they say things like that.

I feel bad going into a meeting knowing that I haven't done any work for the past week and so have nothing to show for it.  But how do I look at my professor and tell him that since I got back from the concert I've been a walking zombie who has to find the effort to even get out of bed, let alone try and do any sort of work?  And tell him that I'm just so exhausted all the time and I'm stuck in this pit of not caring about pretty much anything but Callie.  I don't care about myself, my work, or really anything else.  Just about her.  She's the only thing I constantly care and worry about.

And I have kind of a monster headache right now and I kind of want to just lay on this table and go to sleep.
Supposed to show around a first year in like...five minutes.  Kind of not in the mood.  Mostly because of how I've been feeling and now I need to act all happy and shit for him.  Bah.

Also need to take Cornelius in today for an oil change and an a/c check.  I was going to do that yesterday but.  Well we all know what happened there and stuff.

Man, I keep wanting to write more but then keep blanking on things to say.

I know all my entries lately have just been me whining.

Called doctor about my prescription but she was with a patient and hasn't gotten back to me just yet.

Follow-up

After a long trip to the vet and stuff, Callie seems to be alright.  They induced vomiting and said she threw up a lot of chocolate and cookie and so I'm really happy I took her in.  Then they gave me a prescription diet and a prescription for some pills for her for a few days, to help with her stomach.

I'm trying to not be so mad, because I knew it was a mistake, but to me it was a really careless one and one that could have been avoided if people just listened to things I asked them to do.  I mean, really.  So I am still aggravated.  Plus...I dunno.  They don't go through the same emotions as me when dealing with her.  So while they're slightly worried - or probably more worried about having angered me - I'm freaking the fuck out over whether or not she will be okay.  They get to play with her and hang out with her and love her, but I'm the one who feeds her, takes to the vet when she gets sick, and worries so much whenever she is unwell.

I wouldn't be able to handle something terrible happening to her.


Nancy did help calm me down through some of this while I was in session, and we talked about last week and everything.  I explained how I threw up at the end of the concert probably because I hadn't eaten since lunch that day, and she asked me why I didn't.  I said I wasn't sure; I didn't know if it would have been an inconvenience to stop before the concert, or if it was also because I was so nervous about the prospect of seeing the ex, that I didn't want to.  My stomach was already in knots.  Most likely, it was a little bit of both.

And then I explained about how I'm already thinking about the next events and what will happen if I see them, and she explained that that is something called anticipatory anxiety, and that if I make plans for what I will do - no matter what the situation - it should help reduce that anxiety.  Which will be a good idea, I think, and I might write about that, but not right this second.


I was supposed to meet the dog that Brendan is looking at today, but after the whole chocolate thing with Callie, I wasn't able to.  And he asked if I wanted to meet him tomorrow or when I come back from my cruise, and I said I would prefer when I got back.  Mostly because I have stuff to do tomorrow and I'm also, very truthfully, not in the mood to drive all the way to Ithaca.  He didn't look very happy when I said that, but I also asked if I could have until the morning to decide, and when he kind of said I didn't have that much time, I just went with what I knew was going to be okay, which is when I get back.  I don't know how long things are going to take and everything tomorrow.  Also, he was originally the one who was going to watch Callie, but since he is the one who left stuff out, I think I'd feel more comfortable with her staying with Dee and Nelson.  And a week with her aunt and uncle and cousin might be good for her.  She can meet and get more familiar with her family.


Also need to call the doctor about my own prescription.  Woo.  Kinda need those pills.

For the amount of fucking times that I tell people to not leave shit on the floor because Callie will get to it, I always seem to fall on deaf goddamn ears.  So when she is left alone and there is a box of cookies - some of them being chocolate - on the goddamn floor, yes, she will get to it.

So now I'm trying to call the vet.

Hah, it seems like no matter what I ask for, it falls on deaf ears.


I'm not kidding when I say that if anything bad happens to Callie, I probably will follow through on some of those fantasies.

I had a weird fucking dream man.  It didn't involve the ex, which is good, but did involve the ex-roommate.  Who, for some reason, wouldn't leave the fucking bathroom even though I was on the toilet, and I have no idea exactly how many times I screamed at him to leave and that he could not stay in the room because I was trying to go to the bathroom.

This went on for a while, with him even trying to just leave stuff in there with me (his laptop, for one), and he wouldn't say anything.  Finally I was able to push him out and go, but I had this weird feeling he was acting so strangely (well...stranger than normal) because he was going to attack me once I left the bathroom.  So I built myself a shield out of the shit he left in there with me and walked out cautiously.  And what do you know, he did attack.  But with a keyblade.  And I shouted that I knew it, and whipped out my own and we started to battle.

I don't remember much after that.  And even what I wrote here doesn't give enough details but I am still very tired and whatnot.


Need to bring Cornelius in for an oil change, and I'm going to ask if they could look at his air conditioning, just to see if it just needs to be charged or anything.


Should do things today, since I've been slacking.

Meh.

Sadder than I should be.

It is kind of sad that in response to "I really don't want to hurt you," I replied, "I'm kind of used to it."

I knew I was getting too emotionally invested.

Probably time to back away, if I can.

I'm not a big summer person.  Never really have been, honestly.  It is far too hot and I'm just not a fan of the heat at all.  Because of the heat, training was cancelled for today.  I really appreciated that, actually.  Especially since I volunteered at the shelter today and it was kind of intense.  I even had a few dogs just up and stop on our walks and lay down in the shade.  So I walked less than I would have on a cooler day.  

I keep thinking about things that I probably should not be thinking of.  More of the "if an encounter happened, what would I say?" sort of thing.  Even though I know that won't happen, at least any time soon.  Maybe the scare I had made it more prominent in my mind?  That's the excuse I will tell myself, at the very least.

I want to talk to guy about how I'm feeling.  About how I'm just sad and stuff.  Ask him about...I dunno.  How much emotional investment I should put into this right now.  Because I really am feeling like I may be putting more into it than I should.  But at the same time...I'm afraid to.  I don't want to ask him and then scare him so that he doesn't want to talk to me anymore.  

Bah, I was going to write more, but I am tired so I think I'll just leave this here. 

Decorating

I really don't know why I allow myself to listen to depressing songs when I'm already feeling down.  Because going from "Tiny Vessels" right into the torture that is "Transatlanticism" will send me into a crying fit as I'm decorating the room.

Bah.

Decorating has been able to give me something to do that doesn't require much effort, though.  So...have some pictures, even though I'm not done yet:

The Hellsing section.  I just thought that these would look alright here and stuff! 

Bookcase!  The past on the wall above my dresser and to the left of this is where I want to frame the vinyls (minus two which will be on top of the bookshelf) I have and put them, so I am leaving that area blank for the time being. 

I feel like Castiel is so far away!  But I like him over there for some reason aha.  He won't be alone for super long, I doubt.  Especially since I probably will be getting more prints at Otakon and stuff, so I'll need a place to put them!  

My room is never complete without the United Kingdom flag.  And more and more nerdy things, of course. 

My pokevengers prints!  I tried to put them in some order, with the actual team on top, and those who were close to that particular Avenger on the bottom.  Now, I got into some thing with Black Widow and Hawkeye, since I wanted those two together, but since they are both part of the team I decided to put them next to each other.  Captain America is obviously first, for being the first Avenger.  Spiderman I put last and kind of in the middle of both rows because although he's on the team in the comics, I find it funny that is was excluded in the movies, and there are a lot of jokes about it.  I dunno.  It amuses me. 

Gotta show some support for my teams!  Also I feel like all those wires are dangerous.  Oh well. 

My desk, which is storage right now, and the Tube map and Abe Lincoln vamp hunter poster.  

Like I said, still not done, but it is fun so far!  A den of nerdiness and stuff, which is awesome for me, and it already feels more at home. 

Switched from depressing music to trying out a new band: Face to Face.  Technically, I'm on the pandora station, so I'm getting others too, but so far they're good.  I might need to get a cd or something. 

I know I should be doing something, but I can't bring myself to do anything, really.  I should be doing some research at the very least, but every time I look at the books I should read I just sort of groan and want to roll over and not look at them.  I actually took my meds today too, and I know I'm doing really bad with taking those daily, but lately I feel like I really should return to it since - aside from the days down in PA - I've been all lethargic and sad and find myself both wanting company and wanting to be alone. 

And I'm thinking about future events (UC homecoming, Hallowmas, Streetlight concerts...) and getting all weird about possibly being unable to avoid certain people the way I was a few days ago and I don't know why I'm thinking about it.  It might just be a thing where when I'm down I think of terrible situations and everything and normally I'd say I want to sleep to avoid thinking about them, but knowing my luck I'll just have an ex-related dream or some shit. 

I realize that I'm kind of wallowing and probably sound really whiny and all.  

I wish it wasn't hot outside, because then at least I could go for a comfortable walk or something.  But the way it is outside right now I wouldn't enjoy it. 

Also I've yet to send in my headphones to get fixed.  Meh.  I should have done that a while ago so I would have them for the cruise. 

Maybe if I play some Halo, that will cheer me up.  Or at least distract me.  (Though I was trying to play online before and kept lagging...maybe I won't now.  I dunno.)

Now I understand why so many guys have problems tying ties.  My god this is way too complicated for its own good.  I need to figure out how to do this before Otakon!  I'll ask my dad, I think aha.  He knows how to do it.

In other words, put on my costume and I am pleased with it.  Everything is pretty much set with the exception of the wig, which is headed to McKenna's for styling.  The only things I need to do is figure out if I want to do the blue contacts (which I would love to do, but am skeptical about and everything), and I need to get the fangs all ready and stuff.  I do need to iron the jacket too.  But overall, it is pretty much ready!

I'm kind of in a weird down mood today, as I was yesterday.  And guy is upset about something but I don't know what and I don't want to impose and I think I may have been a bit too forward yesterday with him and bah.  I might be assuming too many things about us and stuff.  Not that I think we are together or a couple or anything, but more that...I don't know.  Maybe I'm thinking there are more emotions involved than there actually are, and I should stop thinking that.  It really shouldn't surprise me or anything.

It's really hot.  So I'm holed up in my room with the air conditioner blasting.  Kind of want to nap, but I'm pretty sure I slept for over 10 hours.

I'm hiding in my room right now because both roommates have their significant others over and it makes me feel like a fifth wheel and I don't want to play drinking games, which is what they are doing and blah.  Plus I kind of am not feeling well at all.  Kind of cold and stuff...like I could feel a fever coming on, sort of deal.  I hope that isn't it, really.  But if it is, I hope that I get sick this week and not next week, due to cruise and all.

I did play online Halo today though, which is kind of a big deal since it is the first time I played online without Danny and I was kind of...kicking ass.  After the first three games, I started getting first place on my team and having killing sprees and frenzies all over the place.  It was kind of awesome, since I was certain I would be terrible, but I guess I really have been getting better without realizing it!  And my gamer rep increased too!  I don't know.  It is the little things that bring me joy aha.

But I just feel yucky and kind of want to cuddle.  But guy isn't around.  Not that I know if he would cuddle with me or not, but still.

I guess I'll just cuddle with squishables.

Also ate very little today.  Oops.

Zimmerman verdict

I am disgusted with the outcome of this trial.

America's racism is out in full force.

Fuck you, Florida.

UGH I AM SO ANGRY ABOUT THIS.  This is a failure of our judicial system and trials like these make me wish I actually did go into law.

And we all know that if Zimmerman was black while Treyvon was white, this would have been an open and shut case.

Fuck this garbage.


[Edit] - Correction: Zimmerman isn't white, like I said, but definitely white-passing.  Regardless, my point stands: if Treyvon was white, this wouldn't have happened, most likely.

I went to the doggie park with Callie for two and a half hours.  I didn't realize we were there for so long, but she was so energetic and there was a German Shepherd that really took to her and vice-versa.  Though he did get a little possessive over her; whenever another male dog came near her he got a bit angry, so we had to break up some stuff.  But she did get to swim and play and everything!  And I think it was good for her; she may have been so sassy lately because she hasn't been able to run around and everything.

Also bought my Streetlight tickets for November, woo!

Haven't eaten all that much today...I probably should change that, but I really don't want to?  Even though I know I should.  I'm eating some crackers right now but I also think that I should save any appetite I have in order to have something of real substance and all.

Friends are seeing World War Z later but I might just chill here.  I'm kind of tired and everything.

I might put on my cosplay outfit and see what it looks like!  It won't look complete without the wig, but I'm pretty much done aside from pants if the ones I own don't fit me, which is possible since I think I got new dress pants back in...September?  So yeah.

UC and Streetlight

So visiting Michelle and Ursinus was absolutely incredible and I hope I can head down there again soon or she can come up here or we can head to another concert together within the very near future!

I got down to UC a little after five, and after chatting with her and her suitemates for a bit, we headed over to Lancaster.  Got there at around 7, and we slowly crept towards the front during the pre-bands.  We got to a point where we were next to some really annoying guys who just kept complaining about the band which was on right before Streetlight.  Meanwhile, the band was actually good?  So I just said they were snobs and stuff.

When Streetlight came on, she and I got separated after a few songs.  Though at one point she came back to warn me that she may have seen the ex's girlfriend and so he might have been there with Sam, whom I had texted earlier asking him where he was.  But he wasn't, so wooooo.  Though "A Better Place, A Better Time" came on after and that distracted me.  I did tear up again from it; that song is really kind of dear to me.  Anyway, at first I was in the front, and she had been moving towards the back, near the mosh pit.  The guys by me weren't really doing anything, which kind of sucked because we were in the front.  So at one point, I turned around to look for her and she was more in the middle and was jumping around all over and I said to myself, "that's looks way more fun."  So I went back there and it was such a good decision.  We were in the mosh pit and just pushing everyone and it was great.

We did have to go to the bar for water, which I probably should have held off on, or drank much slower than I did.  My stomach had already been bothering me, probably because I hadn't eaten anything since lunch, and my lunch wasn't big either, and I didn't really hydrate beforehand.  Despite this stomachache though, I returned to the mosh pit with her, and we just kept jumping around and pushing into people, and I ran into Sam who also looked like he was having a great time.

The band played the same set as the one in Albany, which was good, even though I did want to hear some other songs.  But that's okay!  It also meant "Somewhere in the Between" was the final encore song.

We met up with Sam and Jocelyn after for a bit, but I kind of tried rushing outside because my stomach was churning.  I knew what was going to happen; I was just trying to get outside beforehand.  Didn't exactly make it.  I kind of made it to the trash can right before the door and started throwing up all the water I drank earlier (truthfully, and this is tmi, I started throwing up on the stairs but I tried to keep my mouth closed as much as I could before I got there).  I did feel a lot better after at least aha.

The bouncers and the cops unfortunately shooed us away really quickly, so we were only able to talk to Sam and Jocelyn for a bit, but it was really nice to catch up!  We were saying that we should get together sometime, which would be fantastic!  I don't know if they are going to Otakon this year, but it'd be cool to chill with them!

After, we headed back to campus (after a stop at Wawa of course) and took much needed showers, considering we were absolutely drenched.  It was kind of disgusting, but awesome at the same time?  But yeah.  Then we went to bed!  Also very needed aha.

This morning, we ran to get her friend coffee, and since she is a IR major looking at grad schools, I pitched Binghamton.  I don't mean to be all "COME TO MY SCHOOOOL" to people aha but we actually are one of the top programs for political science, with a very strong IR program.

Michelle had reservations for her and one of her friends at Red Robin, which was doing a test run since it is opening.  And so, everything was free.  Which was amazing.  And the two friends of hers who came with were both really nice and cool!  They had been working on a farm and herded chickens back into the coup, which was kind of adorable aha.  But they were really really nice and I would love to hang out with them again sometime when I visit her!

She had a meeting, so I ran around campus looking for any professors I had, but unfortunately none were around.  So I just walked around campus and stuff!  After, we ran to DQ and I got ice cream and she got coffee and we just chilled on the sidewalk and stuff.  And then I left after that.  Tomorrow I was supposed to host a person who is defending her thesis on Monday, but she emailed me and said she is going to stay with a friend instead.

There are some people from the rescue that Brendan is looking at coming to do a house visit tomorrow, and I was asked to be there.  I'm excited to meet them!

So yeah, these past two days were fantastic.  I had a lot of fun!

So having a very intense and vivid dream about reconciliation and reunion with the ex the night of the day I fear running into him is more than a little annoying and...somewhat concerning.  I know I'm not supposed to judge my dreams, especially since I can't control them, but...my god what the fuck is my subconscious doing to me. 

We were at a lecture thing.  I have no idea what sort of lecture would bring him and his current girlfriend and me all in the same room, but that's not important.  I had noticed he was there and ignored him.  And whenever we happened to catch each other's eyes, I glared and snapped my head back to the presentation very easily.  But I did notice that he kept looking over at me.  More than he should have been, if that makes sense.  And he kept doing things to get my attention, though it was only half working.  I would look over and snap my head back, obviously irritated.  

Then, I got up to use the restroom, and he watched me the entire time I was leaving the room.  When I got back, he had dropped a pen in my path, and got up to get it, completely blocking me.  He was bent down, and then when I approached, he stood up and looked at me.  I harshly told him to move and pushed past him, then going in the rows behind him so that he wouldn't have the chance to keep looking over at me.  However, after squirming away from his girlfriend a bit, he then put his arm around her, which made me feel sick.  

Finally, the lecture ended, and I kind of ran into the hall.  But he followed me by himself.  He approached me and I glared and asked him what he wanted.  He said he wanted to talk and to tell me something, and laughed while saying something like, "why do you think I did all those things to get your attention?"  

Stupidly, I said sure.  We were by ourselves in the hall, and he started going into how much he missed me.  How breaking up with me was a huge mistake and how he shouldn't have done it because he still thinks of me every single day and misses me more and more.  He started crying while telling me this, and I (not learning from real life that his bullshit comes out when he cries) stupidly believed him after that started happening.  I asked him about his current girlfriend, and he said that he honestly didn't even really like her.  When I inquired as to why he was with her, he shrugged, saying that it was at least fun even if he was still very lonely.  I must have known about her in-dream, because I started saying that I didn't understand why he got together with her in the first place.  

Then, instead of blowing him off like I should have, I sighed and said that if we were going to get back together, things were going to be different.  That this wasn't going to be the one-way street that it was.  I'm not going to be his caretaker again, etc., etc.  He agreed and we hugged.  This whole time we were walking, and then we stopped and kissed each other. 

The reconciliation didn't even end there, unfortunately.   For some reason, my parents were picking me up, and I saw them outside waiting for me in a line of cars.  I told him that I would have to tell them gently about us getting back together, because they still hated him and everything.  He understood, and we agreed to go out separately.  He went first, but next thing I knew, my dad was up out of the car and talking to him.  Then, the ex got into their car, and so I finally walked out, really confused.  I was expecting something much different than what happened, but everyone was happy and smiling so I figured everything worked out.  I then got into the car in the seat next to him and shut the door. 

And that's when I woke up. 

I'm really tired because of it, and so might make sure I nap before I head down to Ursinus later. 

It's just annoying (to say the very least) to have one of these dreams right now.  And then in it, he was dressed and looked the way I would love.  His hair back to the way it used to be, but longer, like how it was when I was in London.  He was wearing a white t-shirt and his leather jacket, with black jeans and combat boots.  So yeah.  Bah. 

I just don't like the idea of my subconscious still giving me these images of reconciling and getting back together with him because it makes me wonder if I want something like that, secretly.  But then I think no, and I recognize how terrible all that would be.  I still hate him.  

After dreams like this, I feel as though I wake up hating him even more.  But I also kind of hate myself because of them, even though I can't control them. 

Blah.  Gonna try to sleep more. 

Concerns

Callie completely destroyed the bottom of the door to her crate in attempts to escape when no one was here, and she did succeed.  And tore up my room.
So I'm kind of mad at her, and she knows it.

Which is a shame, because I had a nice lunch with my professor and two of the other members of our research team and was kind of in a good mood.  And now I'm kind of frustrated, mostly because I just don't know what to do and stuff about this whole thing.  I locked the top of the crate so she wouldn't get out, and now the bottom is completely caved out and I can't believe she could even do that.

I'm going to have to either email or call the trainer; I don't know if I can wait until next week.  I might be able to though.  We will see, I guess.

I just don't know what to do, and I'm afraid of her hurting herself.

Woke up around 2 hours ago to walk Callie and one of my wisdom teeth is really bothering me.  This is unusual for me; I haven't gotten them out yet because so far they've fit alright in my mouth and haven't hurt all too much.  There was the one time during the year I had to get penicillin for one, but I had some sort of infection around it.

But I took some Advil so now it doesn't hurt.  More like it is a minor inconvenience now.

I am kind of tired but I can't fall back asleep at all.


Yesterday I walked to the school and realized it is actually even closer than I previously thought it was.  Seriously.  I think it might be only a mile away - if even that - from my house to my office.  Upon this discovery, I made a note that I will be walking/biking there a lot more from now on in order to save on gas costs for my car, and just because it is good for me to do!

There is a thesis defense today and I am going to go, but should I bring the puppers with me?  She did well last time, but I also feel bad bringing her everywhere in the office and stuff.  Even though she's really good.  She met Sheldon yesterday!  I think her size intimidated him a little bit though, aha.  That happens a lot when she meets small dogs.  Except Ralph!  Ralph took to her immediately.


Just bought the gloves and tie for my cosplay.  So now I just need pants, a necklace, and the blue contacts if I feel like going the extra mile and changing the colour of my eyes.  I also need to iron the jacket and try out it with the shirt to see how they work.  But the jacket does desperately need to be ironed.


Wait.  I just remembered that I probably have a meeting today.  Hah, I totally forgot.  I can go there and stay there for an hour and then go right to the defense at 1.  Though I definitely will be biking there, I think.  My lock should be around here somewhere.

Lessons Learned

At my session today, I was talking about the dream I had last week and that I think it has to due with my fears of seeing the ex on Thursday.  That it portrayed what I'm afraid of having, except what went through my head while I was asleep was an overreaction.  Obviously.

And I was talking a lot about how I'm afraid of falling into the same patterns I fell into when I was with the ex with someone new.  I don't want to get back to thinking so lowly of myself that I completely devote all of my energy to that other person without getting anything in return from him.  Just so that when I finally deflate and finally start showing how sad I am, he leaves, not wanting to deal with me in the same fashion.  I'm afraid of that happening again; I'm afraid of falling back into old patterns.

So I was advised to write down a list of lessons learned from my past relationship.  Because really...as cliched as it is, retrospect really is a 20/20 lens.  The person I thought was so selfless and perfect was actually miserable and selfish and didn't care to give back to me for all that which I gave to him.  He left with I burnt out and could no longer completely focus on his needs.  When I was so sad that I couldn't bring myself to take care of either one of us...he peaced out.  To find another person to take care of him.  

Looking at it in retrospect really does help me.  It helps me try and think about things for any future possible relationships.  To recognize a healthy relationship and a healthy unselfish person, and not get stuck falling head over heels in love with someone who will take advantage of my love and kindness and leave me rotting alone when I can't do it as easily anymore.

So...some lessons:

- Any person for whom I do a plethora of things but who does not repay me in kind with anything is not worth my help or my love and I should stay away from him.
- A person who refuses or pitches a huge fit when we do something that I would like to do, even though I will go and do things that he likes is a selfish person and I deserve more than that.
- A person who will invalidate my feelings doesn't deserve to know what they are.
- A person who will guilt me into agreeing or doing something that I am uncomfortable with does not truly love me and so doesn't deserve my love in return.
- A person who is not willing to do for me what I do for him...should not be with me.

There might be others when I think of some more, so there may or may not be a part 2 to this.

I'm in a really weird mood this morning that I don't really like.  Kind of feeling lethargic and not wanting to do much of anything, but I do also need to actually get work done since I don't think I've done any actual research work since the advisory board meeting two weeks ago.  Oops.  I think I'll go in in about an hour and see if I wanna do anything in there.  Or if I'll be able to, because I really have been having so much trouble getting motivation to do anything for a while, especially at home.  I don't know why.

And I have these weird contradictory feelings about guy.  One moment I'll want to flirt and do things with him, and the next I'll feel weird about doing all that.  I don't know if it is because we're not exclusive or a couple or anything, or if it is because things are long distance only right now, and there's some sense in me that is telling me that's really odd and wrong and everything.  The worst is that logically I know it isn't wrong, but I will have these weird regret-filled spells when I go through some of our conversations and everything.  And I don't know why.  Because I like him!  I do.

Some part of me still fears that I am clinging to him more than I would in hopes that doing so will make me forget the ex faster...I sincerely hope not.  Really.  I don't want that to be the case at all.

I just hope that no matter what happens, neither one of us get hurt.  Really.  Though if either one of us had to get hurt, I would want it to be me.  He's been through more than I have, I think.  He should be happy.


On a less melancholy note, my temp tattoo came in yesterday!  I really want to put it on and see it, and I would love to have it on for the concert, but at the same time I don't want it rubbing off at the concert.  Though it would be awesome to have it and see how it does in public or anything.  This is a trial run!  I want to test out the design before I start looking for places who will go a real one.

We'll see!  I may or may not do it for Thursday.  It would be really cool to have on.

Day

So even though I didn't get any research done, I still had a very big and productive day and that is really really good.  And I actually feel good now, since this morning I was kind of meh for no reason and I didn't understand exactly why.  Just one of those mornings, I suppose.

But I did clean the bathroom, and cleaning is a much less frustrating when all members of the house are doing some chore and we're all sort of joking about it and stuff.  It took a while, but it was a good time and I wasn't really angry afterwards.

I dog walked at the shelter for two and a half hours and it was awesome.  They're all so good and doing that always cheers me up from whatever mood I'm in.  And I ran with some of them!  Plus, I was told that everyone raves about me and loves that I decided to volunteer and kind of said that I was the favourite volunteer and that I really know what I'm doing and stuff.  For some reason this made me even happier than it should have.  I don't know why, but I was filled with this really warm happiness on the drive home.

Also went to Wegmans for two things.  Left with way more than that.  That store is dangerous.

Training was also quite good!  Going to try and do a bit more this week.

Tired, so I'm going to end this here.  But I had a productive day filled with puppers!  Which always means the day was good.

Drive

Alright, is it bad that I'm more okay with not being paid for last night at movies because Brendan just gave me the seal squishable (with the note saying "he has no money and he has no job!") and the vinyl of Somewhere in the Between?  The latter of which I have been searching for for months and haven't been able to find it so it was kind of really crazy when I opened it up and it was in there.  I feel like that's shallow of me now aha but I really am much more okay with that now.  Really.  Really really.

The drive back to Bing was alright, minus going through the city, as usual.  We got into some major traffic on route 95 north which was unexpected, but that's okay.

We listened to a lot of Bouncing Souls on the way up, and I'm really sad I won't be able to see them live this summer, but I am going to keep a lookout for them in the fall and everything.

Streetlight concert on Thursday!  Excited to go down to UC and everything.

Birthday

So my birthday had its ups and downs but honestly was once again disappointing and no one was really all that surprised.

For one, some of my own relatives - because they were down here specifically for Joanna's graduation party - completely forgot that it was my birthday.  So that was cool.

But I did have a fun time with Summer (who is my cousin's two year old daughter), actually.  Like she and Callie and my parents made the ups happen.  I took her in the pool with me, and some of us has been playing with the water bomb things, squeezing them on our heads (which I had deemed an 'egg crack' years ago and it has stuck since) and so she started doing that, and we were having a good time.  Then later before I left for movies I was holding her upside down and everything and she enjoyed that.  She's a cutie.  I'm usually not so good with kids, but I really enjoy her.

And my parents did buy me my favourite meal from my favourite place (it is a pasta pomodoro dish from a local Italian restaurant) and got me the ice cream cake I love (basically just chocolate chip ice cream from Ice Cream Cottage) which was a huge hit with everyone.  They made sure that I knew they didn't forget that it was my birthday, which I appreciated.

But like I said: getting a lecture from one of Joanna's friends kind of set me off.  I really was not happy at all about that and even said something to her about it, telling her to make sure it didn't happen again.

And then I found out that Carl decided to go to Taylor Swift (in Pittsburgh, no less) instead of come down after I invited him and whatnot, so that's cool.

And guy never wished me a happy birthday, even though he knew it was it and I'm like "okay that's cool too I guess."

And then when Brendan came to the movies with me, he didn't offer to pay for me?  I mean seriously I usually don't get all weird about being treated and stuff but I kind of would like the offer on my birthday.  That would be kind of nice.  Especially since I had been saying for some time now that I have had a string of lackluster birthdays and everything.  But he just paid for him and his girlfriend.  So yeah.

All of this made me miss Anisha and Karen even more than I already do, which I didn't think was possible.  Actually, Anisha's already saying that we will have a "Birthday 2.0," which I kind of appreciate.

So I'm kind of sad right now but I'm also not surprised.

And in my sad I started thinking about the ex, which made me sadder.

So I'm just going to go to sleep.  And try and think of the fun I had with Callie and Summer.

Update

Having an alright day so far.  Will go into deets but probably in a later entry.  I still don't feel like it is really my birthday or it is anything special, really.

But I might be annoyed because I just got a lecture from one of Joanna's friends because she interpreted me wanting Callie and Jack to play as encouraging them fighting...meanwhile I know the difference between a fight and playing.

And finding out that my friend went down to PA to see a Taylor Swift (why, I have absolutely no idea because she is just awful) concert after I invited him down to come celebrate my birthday with me is kind of...upsetting.

But whatever.

I'm not really all that surprised.

Short

Happy birthday to me.

Dinner was good, and I was sung to and had some ice cream.

Tired.

Also definitely have a Houdini dog capable to getting out of her crate whenever she wants.

She took after me, because I used to be like that when I was little; able to escape from anywhere.

This is short, because I'm sleepy.

Goodnight.

meh

I think Callie is finally feeling better.  I've been giving her some rice today only, since it is supposed to be good for her tummy.  Only thing is now I'm not feeling so good.  So there's that.

I was going to start mixing the Iams with Blue Buffalo but I was so promptly told by my sister that that stuff "comes from China," which I had never heard.  I only heard good things about it.  But the way she said it made me feel really inadequate; like I can't choose a good food for my dog on my own.

I dunno.  I might be thinking too much into it just because I'm kind of tired and still bummed about tomorrow and everything.  I just want a special birthday, and it looks like I'll have to wait until next year at least to get it.  At least that it what it is looking like right now.

But at least my puppy seems to be feeling better.

This was going to be longer but I don't know what else to say.  I'm just kind of eh.

Vet

I took Callie to the vet earlier today because she got sick again this morning after her walk with my dad, and since I have the wellness plan with Banfield, I can go to any of their locations.  So I took her over and even with the plan it cost me around $400 due to x-rays and bloodwork.

But, in the words of Tommy Wiseau: "I would do anything for my girl."

Anyway, her bloodwork came back normal, which was good, but her x-rays showed some irregularities in terms of gas.  There was just a lot of it and I'm wondering if that has anything to do with her upset stomach, because it hasn't passed.  (Though funnily, as we were going over this, she ripped one in the room.  My god it was so bad the vet tech's eyes were watering aha.)  The vet told me that she would recommend IV fluids and for her to stay overnight (but it would have to be at a different place, since they don't do that there), but I don't know if that is completely necessary?  She's still drinking water and everything and she hasn't been sick since this morning, which is good.  So I said that I would watch her and if she keeps vomiting and stuff, then maybe I'll have to take her in.

Though I would also like to get a second opinion from her regular vet up in Vestal first.  Just because she knows her better and truthfully seemed a bit more knowledgeable.

I did ask about feeding her rice if that would help, and they said that I could do that as part of a bland diet as long as she keeps it down and everything.  So if she doesn't throw up again today, I might try and give her some rice and boiled chicken and see if that might help.

I just want her to feel better.


I'm stupidly tired, and I think it is due to a combination of the dream and worrying so much for the past 24 hours.  

I keep watching Catbug in order to cheer myself up:

Dream

I had the worst fucking dream.  Seriously.  Of course it involved the ex.

We were at some thing for school where we had to give some sort of speech, and I remember wanting to talk to him about something, and I'm not entirely sure why.  But he was there with his girlfriend, and they, for some reason, had me included on their text chain.  She told him that she thought it was pathetic that I paid attention to them, and always did something with her hair whenever she saw me in order to get my attention and all.  Basically she seemed to enjoy my misery.

He agreed, though.  He wrote back that I was a loser and pathetic and all of that.  And when I saw their conversation, I had some sort of panic attack.  And I took him out into the hallway and started screaming at him.  I was crying and yelling and he did not seem to care.  He just looked absolutely bored.  And then when I said that I had fantasies about hurting myself just to make all the sadness go away, he didn't believe me.  Instead, he accused me of saying that just to get his attention and to try and win him back.  And with a disgusted look, he walked away from me.

I don't know if someone heard or what because then I was put in a room with a shrink, but it wasn't Nancy so I was really really uncomfortable.  I didn't want to talk about anything and she just kept asking me what my plans were, as if me not having plans meant I was lying about everything.  I had to give details on how I would do it if I decided to go through with it; that was the only way she would believe me, because she said that she talked to the ex, who said I was doing it all for attention and nothing more.  And she believed him over me.

And then she called my parents and told them everything.  But the only good thing about this dream was my dad then coming over and hanging out with me, trying to cheer me up and trying to keep me happy.  He is consistently who always tries to help me, even in my dreams.

There are some other deets involving the ex and his girlfriend, but I don't remember all of them right now and I also am incredibly tired so I want to go back to sleep.  Even though at the same time, I'd rather just stay awake.  I don't want to have part two of this thing.  It was even worse in there than I described here, seriously.

Good thing about this morning is that Callie looks like she has more of a spring in her step than yesterday.  I hope it was just a day bug and now she is okay.  If she throws up at all I'm going to call the vet. 

Sick Puppy

Callie has thrown up five times today and I am really worried and I'm hoping that it was just a day bug and nothing more than that.  I might call the vet tomorrow just to be safe.  I don't like thinking she doesn't feel well and can't eat and every time she tries to eat something it just comes back up.

Maybe it was a reaction to the flea and tick stuff?  I have no idea...that might be something.  But she didn't have any reaction last time, so I really am not sure.  I'll have to read up on it and everything.  I'm starting to get nervous, because some reviews on the internet seem to say that the one I'm using isn't very good, but I bought a four month supply of it.  Wahhh.  Maybe I should have switched her to Frontline Plus instead, like I was originally thinking about doing.


Didn't do too much today other than hang out with the fam and shop for some stuff for Callie (she needed a new antler, for one).  I'm still unsure how I feel about Saturday coming up and everything and I don't think I'll have as good a time as I would have wanted to on my birthday.  Mostly because Danny isn't here when I thought he was, Brendan is here but so is his girlfriend, I don't know if Carl is going to come down...and then Anisha and Karen, whom I'd probably want to see the most, both aren't around.

I'm just getting less and less excited, I guess.  I'm just anticipating another lackluster birthday.