I seriously can't bring myself to care enough about tomorrow's class to prepare anything for it.
Oh well.
Tuesday, May 10, 2016
Monday, May 9, 2016
My parents surprise-visited me yesterday because they wanted to continue talking about the stuff that I finally revealed to them and everything.
We ended up taking Callie to the dog park, and while she was running around in the water we sat on a bench and I was able to explain more of my mentality and everything. They asked if this was driven a lot by the ex, because to them it appeared as if I was super self-confident and everything prior to that. I said that he was more a catalyst than a cause, and that most of the time I was putting up a front to cover up my deep self-doubt/self-loathing.
At one point I was talking about my "good traits," that I needed to list, and I explained that I basically couldn't answer that. That I had responded with "I guess I'm a good student...and I can write at times." And that was the part that almost got my mom to start crying (though she tried to hold back I think for my sake, but she did say that she wanted to cry), because she then started saying that I was a good daughter and sister and person and I think hearing that I think so little of myself was...jarring, if that is the right word for it.
She (and my dad agreed) said that she knew I was unhappy, but didn't realize that it was this bad.
They reiterated that I always have a place at home, and if I have to go home and not work for a while and just get better then that would be okay and I shouldn't worry about money or working or anything like that right now.
Apparently also my sisters are worried about me, which was surprising. Not because I don't think they care, but because I didn't think I gave them reason to, I guess. I thought I had hid some things better. Or I just didn't think I came up in conversation, really.
But...I mean. They know things now, which is probably for the best.
We ended up taking Callie to the dog park, and while she was running around in the water we sat on a bench and I was able to explain more of my mentality and everything. They asked if this was driven a lot by the ex, because to them it appeared as if I was super self-confident and everything prior to that. I said that he was more a catalyst than a cause, and that most of the time I was putting up a front to cover up my deep self-doubt/self-loathing.
At one point I was talking about my "good traits," that I needed to list, and I explained that I basically couldn't answer that. That I had responded with "I guess I'm a good student...and I can write at times." And that was the part that almost got my mom to start crying (though she tried to hold back I think for my sake, but she did say that she wanted to cry), because she then started saying that I was a good daughter and sister and person and I think hearing that I think so little of myself was...jarring, if that is the right word for it.
She (and my dad agreed) said that she knew I was unhappy, but didn't realize that it was this bad.
They reiterated that I always have a place at home, and if I have to go home and not work for a while and just get better then that would be okay and I shouldn't worry about money or working or anything like that right now.
Apparently also my sisters are worried about me, which was surprising. Not because I don't think they care, but because I didn't think I gave them reason to, I guess. I thought I had hid some things better. Or I just didn't think I came up in conversation, really.
But...I mean. They know things now, which is probably for the best.
Friday, May 6, 2016
After considering the advice from my doctor, I finally told parents about darker thoughts/suicidal ideation stuff.
I kind of feel numb right now. I was hoping it would be a weight lifted off but right now I feel this weird dread, like maybe I shouldn't have said anything.
Of course they were both very supportive as always but.
I guess it is the anxiety talking, saying that I should have kept my mouth shut and dealt with it.
We'll see how I feel in the morning.
Also I'm still a bit annoyed with friends, especially after finding out that instead of working like they said (which was the reason they didn't come watch WS before CW), thy were napping. Like. Just tell me that instead of lying.
And I don't know. It hurt. Cause I wanted it to be a full day of hanging out before Civil War since I had been so excited about this movie for forever (and it was SO GOOD btw, though still doesn't beat out Winter Soldier for me because I love that movie sfm) and we all hadn't hung out like that in a super long time but I guess I'm the only one who cares about that.
I kind of feel numb right now. I was hoping it would be a weight lifted off but right now I feel this weird dread, like maybe I shouldn't have said anything.
Of course they were both very supportive as always but.
I guess it is the anxiety talking, saying that I should have kept my mouth shut and dealt with it.
We'll see how I feel in the morning.
Also I'm still a bit annoyed with friends, especially after finding out that instead of working like they said (which was the reason they didn't come watch WS before CW), thy were napping. Like. Just tell me that instead of lying.
And I don't know. It hurt. Cause I wanted it to be a full day of hanging out before Civil War since I had been so excited about this movie for forever (and it was SO GOOD btw, though still doesn't beat out Winter Soldier for me because I love that movie sfm) and we all hadn't hung out like that in a super long time but I guess I'm the only one who cares about that.
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