So we had volleyball again tonight and we actually won, which is really kind of exciting.  Again, that rush I felt last week returned to me, so I'm really happy, actually, that we are playing again tomorrow.  Really, I think sports are necessary for me to feel something other than the depression that usually characterizes my mood.  And the rush from winning and being actually competitive...it was kind of awesome.

What wasn't awesome is that I think Cornelius has finally bit the dust.  When I tried to turn him on, he started like...screeching and everything.  I might try to turn him on again tomorrow, but I think he is dead, sadly.  I was really hoping that he would last until after I came back from Philly, but I don't think it would be smart of me to take him down there.  But, I'm not not going to the Streetlight concert.  Since I haven't been looking for cars and I really do not want to try and buy one in one day, I think I'm just going to rent a car for a day and then over the weekend or something I can actually start looking for new cars.

I am sad, though.  I don't want to get rid of Cornelius.  Sadface.

But I am still planning on going to the Streetlight concert.


Also here is a picture of me and Anisha from wedding; the professional photos are not up yet.  This is one that my mom took.

So that class was incredibly painful and semi-infuriating.

Getting lectured about no one doing the readings in a graduate seminar is really frustrating, especially when I do the readings and am a leader in the discussion.  I shouldn't have to prove to the professor that we as a class did the readings when more than half the class hasn't spoken at all and everything.  We have been told countless times how important participation is to staying here, yet I find the same handful of people speak, while everyone else just stays silent.  Yet I find that it doesn't seem to pan out that way at all.  It encourages me to just...not care as much.

And that not caring is most likely also a product of the apathy and depression that has characterized the last few months (year?) of my life, but it doesn't help that is gets amplified when shit like this goes down.

Ugh, I don't like the idea of having to send out my paper for my qualifying exam when I'm feeling this way.  Though I have been procrastinating on doing that simply because I don't want to have to do it.  Being asked questions about what I want to research and what I want to do with my life when I have a whole fuckton of personal issues making me care less and less about doing something I love to do professionally...it is just going to suck, honestly.  It isn't going to be fun, and I am going to hate it and it is making me anxious.


I had another dream last night which I'm sure involved the ex but I cannot remember the finer details.

Frankenteddy

So I have a huge love for the Ty beanie baby bears.  Like...getting one for me is a totally legit and awesome gift and I kind of get really excited about them.  And not for any "I think they'll be worth some small fortune" kind of way.  For me, getting them was never for that.  I just really enjoy them!  I only have four with me right now (well, five including the one I just bought); the rest are back at my parent's house on the Island.  I kind of want to grab them, actually.

Thus, when I randomly spot a Halloween one (placed in a spot where it probably didn't belong...I'm good at finding them that way, apparently) that I haven't seen while at the Christmas Tree Shop with my family, I of course grab it.

He's so cute!  His name is Frankenteddy, apparently.  And he is awesome. 

I didn't get all of my work done because I had no energy, really.  And I don't really care all that much.  I really just can't wait for the Streetlight concert on Wednesday.  

There were feels-related things I kind of wanted to discuss but I'm too tired to right now so maybe tomorrow at some point. 

Teddyyyy.

Ex-related dream post: go!

So, I was with Dee and we were shopping at some mall.  And he was there with his friends also shopping, and we kept seeing each other, deliberately doing things that the other would like or find funny or fun.  However, we never actually spoke to each other.  We just kept within eye's distance so that we would always have a glimpse of the other.  It almost seemed like a competition: who would crack first and talk to the other, or who would burst out laughing because of something the other did.  It was both...friendly and hostile.

And neither my sister nor his friends realized we were doing this.  It was as though it was agreed upon earlier between just us two, though I guess it happened without that actual conversation.

Eh.  Weird.

Wedding

So I ended up not updating as much as I thought I was going to during the wedding reception and stuff, but that is okay.

It was really nice.  Of course, because I'm me and I ruin all serious moments, I once again did not walk down the isle like a normal person; it was such a long walk and so I ended up shouting (Anisha told me that before I was even by the seats she could hear me...my voice can travel), and I couldn't figure out the right pace.  At one point I started lunging because my uncle yelled at me to slow down.

The ceremony was really pretty, and Steph went down to a really pretty version of the FFIV theme, and they walked out to Star Wars, which was awesome.  We did a few photo shots with lightsabres and it was just really fun.

The reception was also fun; the tables were named after different places from different fandoms; I was sitting at Hogwarts, Steph and Andrew were at the Citadel, and there was also Ferelden, Skyrim, Tristrim, Winterfell, Aperture Laboratories, and more.  It was clever!

Also our speech was awesome; we prepped it the night before, and we said to the opening Star Wars themes, outlining their relationships in different episodes.  People really really enjoyed it.

Two guys danced with me; one of the groomsmen dipped me, aha.  It was fun.  But lots of dancing happened and I was with Anisha, who really liked the gifts I got for her!  The only bad thing is that I had to lose her at 4 in the morning: she was heading down to Texas, and her plane left at 6 in the morning.  So I needed to drive her really early and stuff.  The reason why I might get to in another entry, because it is sad, but it made me think about stuff.

I arrived back home around 1:15 today, and since Callie was home by herself since 6 in the morning, I took her immediately to the doggie park for about an hour and a half.  She had a good time.

I know I'm being skimpy on the details, but the wedding was lots of fun.  I wafted back and forth between being happy and being bitter for reasons, but overall I had a good time.  Steph was really pretty, and I just had a fun time dancing and whatnot.

Didn't take pictures, so I'm waiting for the professional photos to come up.

So Many Curls

Oh jeez. Not used to all this, really.

Also please don't mind periodic wedding updates.

This suite is really fucking nice. Seriously.

Also I had a bit where I had to leave and be by myself for a bit because being with others was just really exhausting. Though I guess I'm having some fun, at least. I still don't feel much, though. I still don't feel very happy and would just rather fall asleep than do anything else.

I am excited to pick up Anisha relatively soon, though.

Tomorrow is going to be a long day.

Love Love Kiss Kiss

This song most accurately describes my feelings right now, when I'm about to attend a wedding.

Always the Same

Sometimes I find that all of my posts say the same thing.

They all talk about my feelings, or lack thereof sometimes, and there are only so many ways I can describe my apathy and sadness.  The void that kind of sucks any emotion or at the very least any happy emotion doesn't receive many names, but it has been explained more than several times.

Many talk about the ex, who is referred to as such, or with just the pronoun 'him.'  His name is never mentioned, and even in my head, he is nameless.  Though whenever his name is read somewhere else, I cannot help but think of him.  I discuss his actions and lies and contradictions, and how even though he claims I mean something, I do not feel as though I do.  That even though he says I'm worthwhile, I feel worthless.

Some allude to certain frightening fantasies, which I still do not want to describe in explicit terms because the idea scares me.  I'm starting to become numb to the images in my head, and I often wonder if I will succumb to them.  I say I will not, but not because I find any value in not doing so for myself.  Rather, not doing so means I won't make my family sad.  It means I won't abandon my puppy.  I just wonder sometimes if they would be better off, because then they wouldn't need to deal with my apathetic depression.

A lot discuss my perfectionism, and how I have unrealistic expectations for myself.  How I do not think I am a person worthy of love unless I act in a very specific manner.  How I think so lowly of myself and everything I do, despite people telling me that the work I complete is actually done well.

And many end with declarations of exhaustion.

When I can't actually be there for my best friend when she tells me that a friend of hers from undergrad who she lost contact with just passed away...I know something is really fucking wrong with me.  When all I can manage to say is 'I'm sorry,' and I realize how fake it sounds (despite it being genuine), I just hate myself even more than usual.  

I don't really want to go tomorrow, for several reasons.  I went through why with Nancy, and how I just don't feel up to being at a wedding.  That it is really not something I feel happy about, though I suppose that isn't different from Danielle's.  And I keep getting texts about constructing the maid of honour speech and I just keep ignoring them, honestly.  Because I have nothing in my mind to contribute.  And if I talked now, that would become super apparent.  

Also with Nancy we talked about my latest response to email thread, and what I said.  And the dreams, and what they mean.  Maybe I'll go through that later...

Tired. 

I'm not feeling much different from how I felt yesterday.  Congress kind of dragged on and I was spacing, probably because I was hungry (didn't eat much yesterday) and I didn't want to really pay attention at all.

I have to walk puppies in a bit and I don't want to do that either.

Really, I don't want to do anything.  And I need to get ready to go to Albany tomorrow for the wedding on Friday.  I still don't know what I'm doing with Callie, either.


Friend is letting me stay in her room at UC after the Philly Streetlight concert next week and I really stupidly appreciate that too much.

I feel defeated.

Like I just want to give up on everything and everyone.

Especially myself.

It's weird how I can feel like this today when yesterday I felt so elated.  Heh, I should have known that was not going to last.

I really do just want to give up.

This is stupid

Instead of listening to this intro lecture (which, to be fair, I really don't have to listen to), or working on the paper that is due by 10 pm tonight, I decided to just reread all the emails for what feels like the billionth time, and it really just makes me sad.  Especially when I have the conversations from London and everything kind of in my head - due to me making super bad decisions last night - the contrast between then and now is actually making me feel sick and shake a little bit. 

I know that this behaviour is not conducive to my feeling better, but I sometimes can't help it.  I know how pathetic that is and I know how pathetic that sounds but...it is true.  And I know constantly refreshing my inbox isn't going to make anything else magically appear.   

Maybe this upsurge in obsessive actions is because of the two dreams I had where he was a large player and all.  I dunno.  More accurately, I'm usually like this, and I just had a small period of being less concerned with all of this than usual.  

I don't know.  It just...the person who I knew when I was in London and even when I came home...he's not around anymore.  Even though these emails sort of flashback to him, I can't sit here and think that the loving and trustworthy person I knew has shown his face again. 

No.  Despite what he says now, he tossed me aside and got over me within the month of leaving me (or arguably, even sooner than that).  I was nothing, and I still continue to feel that worthlessness.  How could I be worth something when it took him so little time to find new people?  How?  I don't understand and I don't think I will ever understand.  How could I mean so much to him when he could do all that without thinking about how it would affect me, so soon after our relationship's death?  His selfishness overrode my feelings, and because of that, I don't see how I can be cared about so much. 

He was and unfortunately still is worth something to me.  If he wasn't, I wouldn't spend so much time thinking about him and what he did and what he thinks of me and all.  I don't want him to be, and I've tried to tell myself so many times that he is nothing to me, but I was lying to myself and I would be lying again if I tried to say it again now. 

And I know there is part of me that is saying that I must be worth something, if he would email me out of the blue and everything, but I still feel like I'm nothing.  I still feel like I and our relationship wasn't worth fighting for, despite how much I fought for it and would have continued to fight for it, because of how much I loved him and how much I wanted us to survive.  

I feel like I've just taken a few large steps back in progress.

You know, it really sucks to have no ex-related dreams for some time, and then I have two in a row almost randomly.  What gives? 

Although this dream was more indirectly about the ex, since I don't remember him being in it.  No, the person who was in this dream with me was the girl he had most recently been with.  She kept following me around, and started doing things that I was doing, and I did not understand why.  I started jumping down flights of stairs and just doing general weird things (I'm pretty sure the setting was an empty cruise ship), and every time I would look back, she would be mimicking me.  

It started to get annoying and creepy, so I kept trying to run, but she kept following me and doing everything I did.  She was my shadow, only a few seconds behind me.  

I didn't understand it, and I just wanted her to go away.  But no matter where I went, she was there after me.  

At one point, I do think I tried stopping so I could yell at her, but I don't remember what the aftermath of that was. 

After feeling so alive for a little bit last night, it sucks to have to return to this feeling of not wanting to get out of bed or do anything ever.  

Baseball, But Better

I really don't want to write.  Like at all.  And the worst part is that I wrote a response paper for this book last semester, so this should be easy.  I'm just in no mood to do any sort of work.  I guess I could justify sleeping, since it is almost midnight, and I could just work on this all day tomorrow...I think I'm going to argue essentially what I argued last semester, but with some tweaking.  And I'll respond directly to some of the questions this professor posed in his syllabus.

I don't know.  This response shouldn't be hard, since it is on probably my favourite academic book (besides The New British Constitution, maybe) that I've read so far.  I just am afraid that I'll be saying everything I've already said again and I'll get in trouble.  But the older grad students told me that what I want to do is fine...I really do think I had a great argument, and I wasn't convinced (despite my American professor last semester disagreeing strongly with me) that what I said couldn't happen.

I might just let it be until tomorrow...I really don't want to start writing tonight.


Oh!  And I also got an A on that paper I wrote that I thought was awful and I have no idea how.


Also, sharing a song.  (I also really love the acoustic version of this.)

[Edit] - So I did something really fucking stupid and went over all past facebook conversations between us and it made me sad but I also found things darkly humourous due to things that were said when I was in London and how that pretty much did a 180 it seemed.  Plus the way I handled his depression when I was away (and honestly, even when I returned) was in such stark fucking contrast to anything he ever did for me when I was feeling the same way. 

So why do I still read things and get really fucking sad.

Why.

Volleyball

So my department signed up for intramural volleyball, and tonight was our first match.  We all originally really wanted to play soccer, but we signed up too late to play, so we got pretty much the last thing that was available.  

I really did not want to go, because I have a response paper due on Wednesday that I have neither started nor I really want to write.  But since we are in a co-ed league, there needs to be at least two women there to play; without me going today, we wouldn't have been able to play at all.  So I sucked it up and went. 

And I'm...really glad I did.  There is something to the doctor saying that it would be good for me to try and get back into some sort of sport/athletic activity.  Volleyball is not my forte at all, but it...kind of gave me a huge rush that I haven't felt probably since the last concert I was able to go to (so since...July, really).  So I will probably be trying to go to all of our games, just because of that feeling.  I felt alive.  And since that is kind of rare for me...I crave that shit. 

Now I think it would be awesome to start more pick-up games, like for soccer or something like that.  It could be really good for me if we could do things like that instead of going out to the bars all the time, where I feel really awkward because I don't usually drink or anything.  

I miss playing sports, it seems. 

I'm kind of wondering if the conversation is over, but that might just be my impatience talking.  I dunno.  

Dream

It has actually been a while since I've had an ex-related dream, and while I was more than okay with this, last night broke that streak.

I was in a house that I didn't recognize, and for some reason I found an xbox and a tv and started playing GTA V.  Why, I really don't know.  I never got into the GTA games; maybe it is just because of all the hype surrounding the fifth one right now.

Anyway, I got to a point where I had to choose to gamble on something (again, I have no idea how the game really plays, so my dream-self I guess put things in that maybe made sense).  I ended up losing and then died, and ex had walked up behind me and told me I was dead.  I spun around, and he was there half-naked and holding my Rip Van Winkle gun prop, along with a second gun prop that was much smaller but looked like it was meant for the same cosplay.

He then walked away and I followed, saying I was only doing so because I didn't know where I was going (really, this house was more like a mansion).  We got to what appeared to be his room, and then I kind of refused to stay in there, but still couldn't figure out a way to get out.  Every room I went towards that was adjacent to his after that was like a closet.

So I ended up sitting down in his room and playing more GTA V while he watched.  Really, he was probs backseat gaming on me, but oh well.


Don't want to go to class.  Don't want to do anything.  Just want to go back to sleep.

Photoset with Callie

So my first attempt at a picture wasn't very good since I had a very wiggly puppers who did not want to stay still.  

But then I got her to chill for a sec! 

Then she wanted to lay down, so I had to get down to her level.

EYEBALLS.  Hers are at least 10x cuter than mine.  Seriously.  

My big lap puppy.  

KISSES.  Despite everything I know she eats (gross) and does (also gross), I am always happy to get mouth kisses.  We can be gross together, really. 

She likes to rest her head on my laptop.  It makes it difficult to do work sometimes!  

I don't take enough pictures with/of her anymore aha.

I finally finished all ten articles for my IR class for tomorrow, though now I don't want to do anything else.  Which is dangerous, since I have a reaction paper to write for Congress for Wednesday.  Luckily though, it is on Mayhew and things of that nature; I've already written a few things on Mayhew, so hopefully this will not be difficult.  Actually, I was going to see if I could respond to an article rather than his book, since I'm afraid of being too tempted of just taking what I have already written.  We'll see though.  I'm definitely going to reread the book and all.  But maybe I'll take a few hours to just chill for a while.

Again though, I decided to be by myself rather than go out with friends.  Mostly because they were going out to a bar to watch football and honestly...as someone who doesn't really drink that much and who doesn't watch football and stuff, it didn't sound appealing.  Even though I could have easily just went for the company, but I'm still in little mood to socialize with people.

I'll only be around here until Thursday; hopefully Cornelius will be able to make the drive to and from Albany with no problems...I don't know if I should rush in the car-buying process and try and do it before then.  Because then I still need to drive to and from Philly next week too.

The Streetlight concert is going to be fantastic.

My pup is so weird.  And for that reason, I love her even more.

I love how whenever I'm rubbing her belly she has one arm extended into the air and the other one is almost limp; we call this pose "Le Tigre."  And then when I stop petting her she looks at me as if wondering why I decided to stop.  She likes to army crawl across the floor sometimes and hide in the crevice between the couch sections.  She uses her paws like hands sometimes, and it is fascinating for me to watch.  She punches me in the face when we are having staring contests at times, and then I respond by putting my hand on her face as well.

She sometimes thinks she is a lap dog, and likes to sit on me when I invite her onto my bed or the couch with me.

Although it is hard work with her sometimes, since she seems to be in sassy adolescence, I love her so much.


Not feeling as terrible today, emotionally, which is a good thing.  I did find myself just...thinking about a specific week when I was in London and missing the city and him and how we used to be and how I was so blissfully unaware of the future during that time.  Really...I do miss the happiness and love I felt during that time.  Despite my getting sick and the fact that we didn't really do too much...it was so wonderful to me.  I'm sure I'm the only one who misses things like that.

I have no idea why I was thinking about that when I woke up this morning.  Maybe I had a dream about it that I don't remember and it was kind of...the aftermath.  

I'm being unusually lenient with my grading right now.  I don't really know why; maybe I'm just in a mode where I don't really care all that much, and when an answer to this question seems good enough...it is for the time being.

There was a Legend of Korra marathon on today so instead of getting a lot of work done, I...kind of watched that instead.  Korra is so much more interesting than everything I have to read.

I haven't really done anything today besides watch Korra and do work, and I'm really okay with that.  I did take Callie to the park earlier today, but that was it.  I did actually eat today today, even though I kind of...didn't want to, and it took way too much effort for me to get up and actually make something.

...I feel like I had more to say.  Maybe later.  I'm distracted right now.

Roommates came back two days early from their conference, which they said was really fun and I was pleased to hear about their stories and everything.

I don't know if it is becoming really fucking obvious to them that I am just a mess and everything.  Just sometimes the way they talk to me and what they say...I might be super paranoid, but I guess it isn't as though I hide that much anymore, simply because it is difficult and exhausting to do so.

Got my new ninja squishable today.  So now I have one without a hole in it, which is nice.

I probably should have done way more work than I did but whatever.


Also I didn't really eat much today.  Small piece of crumbcake this morning and then like...a handful of chips and a soda later on.  Oops.

Don't care.

I've hit a dangerous point, and I've realized I've been at it but...I dunno.

I've hit the, "what the fuck is the point of everything" mode.

Where I'm sitting in workshops listening to people do what I want to do and watching Q&As about stuff I am supposed to care about and all I am thinking is what is the point of this and what is the point of everything I do and I wish I could bounce back and actually care about things again rather than just go through the motions of what is expected of me.  Which is really exhausting, but it is pretty much how I feel and have felt (which is probably incredibly obvious judging from other things I have posted).

I want to care about stuff, but I just don't.  And pretending to care is really tiring, which is probably why, despite getting 10 hours of sleep last night, I feel like I could just lay down and take a three hour nap at least.

I do keep rereading the last few messages in email thread, and even that...I don't know.  I know I care; I care about the outcome and the explanations and how they are constructed and I want more of them (I think; it is hard for me to tell where my limit is with him)...but I don't feel like I really care all that much right now.  And when the one person whose words usually can inflict some sort of emotion in me fails to do that, I know something is really fucking wrong with me.

Taking a break in game theory, which I am start to remember more, I think.  I do think I have a leg up on people in terms of defining things in notation form due to my math background and everything, but there are some differences that I kind of need to get used to and everything, but it is nothing too terrible or nothing I'll have that much trouble on.

I slept for over 10 hours last night, and I'm pretty sure that isn't necessarily good, considering I haven't have a night where I've gotten not a lot of sleep.  But it did feel kind of awesome, despite that I'm still really tired.  But...I guess I'm always tired, so there's that.

Not sure if I'll go to the IR workshop today, but knowing me, I will, even if I won't exactly pay attention to it.  I really only need to go to the Comparative one now, but since it is after the IR one and so I have to stay on campus anyway, it doesn't really make sense for me not to go, unless if I wanted to go get food or something like that.

Cornelius' check engine light came on and that makes me nervous because in the next two weeks I need to drive to Albany for Steph's wedding and Philly for the Streetlight concert.  If that is on though, I don't know if I'll be able to run around with Cornelius to all those places.  I dunno.  I don't want to go check and it be a huge problem that I need to spend a fuck ton of money on when I have plans on getting a new car...I've just been lazy and haven't wanted to look for cars or anything like that.

I feel bad because my professor is trying to get us to liven up a little, but I'm again in that emotionless state where I can't even fake it, because I don't care enough to.  I'm trying to just answer questions to show her that I care at least about the class, but I am not...lively or happy or anything.  That's not really all that different, but I wish I could at least fake it for her.

I might not go to the bar later with the department, because I don't really feel like socializing at all.  We'll see though.

So I got the meds that I wanted, though I am a little meh about having to restart at 50 mg instead of just jumping up to 100, which is pretty much what I was at when I stopped.

At first I was a bit tense with the doctor, because doctors make me nervous, but he was really nice and I opened up about things more as we kept talking.  I think he realized I was tense and anxious and all.  When I told him how I was especially during the few months right after my breakup, he remarked that it sounded like I was profoundly depressed and that I'm still recovering/in that sort of deal.  Makes sense, considering what I think about everyday and what I do...which is pretty much go to school, come home, do my work, and go to bed.  And then get up and repeat.

I was asked about why I don't follow through on fantasies, and why I didn't during that time, when it was pretty much all I would think about when I was going to and from work, and I cited my parents.  I just...didn't and don't want to make them sad.

I told the stories of my athletic past and I was encouraged to find something - specifically aerobic - to get into again.  Really, I've already been saying that I want to do kickboxing or something like that...it is just a matter of going somewhere and signing up.


Really tired for some reason...

I've decided my course will be Gender and Politics, though I'm not entirely sure how I should write a description for it that would appeal to students.  Although this is not exactly within my field of research, I was told that it is a good course to attract people (I'm hoping to gather people from Anthropology and Sociology and Women's Studies) and it is a good course to have in my teaching portfolio because it is a class most universities will have or will want.

I just...don't know how to go about it, really.

I guess I don't need to come up with exactly what we will be doing, since I haven't read things yet.  I do now need to dive into a new field of literature, which should be fun.  I always have liked learning about this stuff, even if I can't imagine me writing a paper or anything on it.  Then again, who knows?  Maybe I will one day after exposing myself to this topic.  We'll see.


I really didn't want to get up today and do things.  I really didn't.  I really don't want to be in the office right now.  Luckily, I have my appointment with health services for my medication today, so hopefully once that is over I'll have that and maybe I won't think about bad things as much and I'll be able to get up and do shit without feeling like I'm expending so much goddamn effort.

And I'm back into a "thinking too much about a particular something/someone" mode and bah.  Despite my not caring/emotionless state lately, I don't like my mind constantly reminding me of that topic and all.  Maybe I'll write about it later just to expel some thoughts and all.

I'm really tired for some reason.  I was going to take Callie to the park but I feel like I'm about to fall asleep, so I am probably just going to stay at home and everything.  I have work I should do anyway, even though I have zero motivation to do it.

Still haven't come up with the possible class to teach for the winter.  I feel like I should be freaking out over this because it was such short notice, but...I'm not?  I know I said I was before, but that was when I first got the news.  Now, well...I don't feel much of anything today, but that's not really all that surprising to me, since it is just a continuation of the overall emotionless-ness that I've been experiencing for a few days now.  I mean...I guess I'm stressing about it as much as I can stress about something right now, which just serves to make me want to work even less.

Really, I should probably nap.  But knowing me, I will end up napping for like...three or four hours instead of just one or less than one, and then I'll be all groggy and won't be able to sleep later on when I need to.  Since all I ever really like to do is sleep.  But...gone are the days where I would sleep 15 hours.  Those that wasn't very good either.

I just have a plethora of terrible life habits.

Roommates are at a human rights conference today until Sunday, so I pretty much have the place to myself.  Not that it makes much of a difference.  I don't really hang out with anyone else, and I have a reaction paper for Congress for next week.  I could ask if former-guy would want to hang out, maybe, but I don't know who else.

Knowing me, I'll just chill by myself with Callie.

Teaching

So the graduate director of my department just kind of hit me with something: she invited me to come up with a course to teach for the winter session.  Which is flattering and all; it means that despite me not saying anything about teaching over the break, I was thought about and everything.

The only thing that is kind of annoying: I need to come up with a class that would be interesting to teach and would be interesting for the undergrads to take by tomorrow.  So instead of telling me this maybe...I dunno, last week or something, or even three days ago, I was told today.

The first thought in my mind was to teach something on judicial elections, because I have just went through a whole bunch of literature about that, but I know that no one is going to actually want to take something like that.  Then I was thinking something more like Gender and Politics, but I know none of that literature because - although I am interested in it - it is outside the scope of my research interests.  I could teach something in Congress or something about the Constitution, but I just have no idea what I should go for.  Maybe I can do something on the U.K.

But again, although this is all something that I am interested in, I'm really not sure what undergrads would be interested in taking.

fhsjdkfldsj Kind of freaking out.  What the hell should I teach, seriously.

On Weddings

Stephanie's wedding is next week.

And like how I felt with Danielle's, I am completely unexcited for it.

That is terrible.

It really is, and I recognize it as so.  The reason I want to be there and the reason I am excited is not because of the wedding.  It is because I get to see and hang out with Anisha.  Same thing with Danielle's, except it was Karen and not Anisha.

It isn't that I'm not happy for her.  I am, and I know I am.  I just don't...feel it.

I don't know if I remain bitter about wedding stuff or what.

More on this another time, maybe.  Tired.  Early discussion class tomorrow.


Also, good times ahead:

   

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh

Today has been a long day, so I think I'll sleep well later.

I've hit that point where I don't really care about much again.  The last few days have been a whirlwind of apathy and discouragement and a lack of feeling much other than those things.  I've been trying to do work and don't really care about what I'm writing or reading, which isn't very good when I need to analyze things efficiently and all.

And despite being confused about something he said, I don't even care about getting any sort of explanation, because I know if one happens it will probably be a qualification of what was said and what is being said now despite those two things seeming contradictory.  Things don't make sense, and I guess I'm so used to that with him also.

I mean, I say I don't care, but I know that it is just that I've cared too much that feelings have kind of imploded and so I feel like I don't care about much of anything.  I'm sure the over-caring will come back, but right now...yeah.

I want to play video games.

So Brendan and I did something really stupid before and it is kind of hilarious but really really dumb.

We've been wanting to see The World's End pretty much since it came out, but we just haven't gone at all yet.  So we decided we would go today.  However, for the entire weekend, we've been calling it This is The End, which is an entirely different movie and one neither one of us really had any desire to see.  So, we accidentally bought tickets for the latter, thinking that we were going to see the former.

I have never been more disappointed to see Seth Rogan's face on a movie screen in my entire life.

We were so disappointed and upset with ourselves (in the "holy shit aha I can't believe we just did that we're so damn stupid" way) that despite paying for that movie, we walked out and didn't watch it.  We paid the matinee price, so we didn't lose much, but we really didn't want to watch that at all.

So we got noms instead and returned to a night of YGOTAS instead.  He's going through it for the first time, so it is kind of awesome to watch it with someone who never has before.  We both know that we should have worked but...neither one of us were in the mood to?  I did do some stuff earlier today, and I might get to some things still tonight, especially since I do not have my own class tomorrow.


Anxious for Thursday, because it might be when I can get meds again and I desperately want them.  It has gotten so bad that I asked someone, whose partner supposedly had them but doesn't take them, if they would care if I took theirs.  Which is a terrible idea and makes me sound really bad.  I didn't, but I sincerely want to.

The level of discouragement I am feeling at the beginning of this semester is unlike what I think I have ever felt at the beginning of any school year before, and it is kind of scaring me.  Even since before the start of the semester I have been in a constant state of "what the hell am I doing here, I shouldn't be here because I'm not as smart as I should be and I don't write well enough to get published, etc., etc."  Despite my getting mad at people in discussions for not listening to my points or for interrupting me and me defending my arguments, I still leave the classroom and everything I write with this sinking feeling that things aren't going to get better and that I am wasting everyone's time with my own brand of idiocy. 

It is a sucky feeling, really. 

And I keep thinking about things that are coming up, and all of those just make me feel like I'm behind, despite not actually being behind on anything yet.  I've technically been on top of everything, but I still feel as though I am behind.  Since I don't have anything that is up for publication already, I feel like I've failed, somehow.  Since we need to be published by the time we are on the job market, and the process takes around 2 years, it sounds, my not having anything yet is really starting to stress me out.  And it is a lot more difficult for social scientists to get published than those in the STEM fields, it sounds: we were talking about how natural science graduate students will end their grad careers with a dozen publications, and if we have three, we're really fucking competitive.  So having nothing so far that I think is good enough to transform into a publishable piece is really...stressful.  And I know it is early, and all my professors would tell me it is early...it still sucks. 

I was thinking about the concerts that I'm choosing to go to, and how maybe I shouldn't actually go to them.  But then I was thinking, and my desire to go to them is more than just some want, at this point.  It is bordering on a need, which probably doesn't make any sense.  But I've said before that concerts make me feel alive and like I actually belong somewhere.  I never go out anymore.  I barely hang out with people.  Concerts are one of the few things that I go to or even do outside of school.  Hanging out with people seems too exhausting most of the time, and I'm too depressed more than half the time to actually get up and do anything.  Concerts are where the benefit outweighs the cost of going out: the way I feel at them is really...good.  I feel alive.  I really do, and since I feel empty more than half the time I am conscious as of late, I crave that rush.  

I am hoping that restarting medication - if I am able to get the school to give it to me - will help.

I think part of me wants some sort of person to be close to me also for that reason?  I don't know if it would help me to feel something again.  Maybe that is why I am so attached to him, even when I should not be.  He makes me feel strong emotions for the most part.  No matter what they are, he always causes me to feel something in a strong direction.  

Though honestly, I'm probably being somewhat contradictory in that I have said before that I would rather feel nothing than the pain that he has caused me to experience.  Heh.  I can't even figure out exactly what I would prefer. 

I guess the moral of the story is that they both fucking suck.

Ugh this final season of Dexter has really kind of sucked and I am praying that somehow the last episode saves it.  It has just been incredibly painful to watch and I kind of hate what the writers have done.  Even in this last episode, there were so many stupid things that anyone with half a fucking mind wouldn't have done and I just.  Ugh.  It makes me upset because this is one of my favourite shows and this season has just been terrible after the return of Hannah.

I won't go into details simply because of spoilers, but my fucking god it really isn't good.


Thinking about a reunion has me all discombobulated.  I keep imagining different scenarios inside my head and I know I should not be because that doesn't really do anything other than drive me crazy, but at the same time I can't help it.  These scenes just pop up in my head at random points and I don't know how to get rid of them.


This weekend has been really uneventful, honestly.  I wanted to write more about stuff but I'm not sure where to go.  I keep wanting to write more about him and my thoughts on what has been going on but...I don't even know what to do there.  I'm at a point where my mind is kind of blank other than the things that I've been saying, which kind of happen every day and aren't really that special.  I don't know what to make of all this.  It is that empty feeling, really.  Like...nothing matters.

I'm not particularly sad right now, but I'm also not happy.  It is just...nothing.  No sort of real emotion.


[Edit] - This song makes me sad, because...I dunno.  It brings back feels.

Took Callie to the park again today, so hopefully she is sufficiently tired out from running around so much these past two days.  Honestly I doubt it, but I'm just hoping that it will run into tomorrow.  Something I am thinking about doing is trying to get up super early tomorrow and taking her so she can run around before I actually go to class.  Then maybe she will be calmer when I leave and won't chew up anything.  I don't know.  I'm trying what I can.

Still need to edit that shit of a paper I wrote.  Seriously, I kind of hate it and I don't even know if I should hand it in.  Though I guess if it ends up with a terrible grade I can always ask if I can write another one to replace it, or something.  Bah, I'm not sure.  I know grades do not matter really in grad school but I still don't like getting something with a bad grade back due to my...perfectionism.  Because it really is just a showing that what I wrote was terrible.

Not in any sort of mood to be productive though, which is really...not good.  I have things I need to get done.


I walk this line, where I know I want to jump over to forgiveness.  I want to, not even for him, but for myself.  So that I can maybe exist without this constant anger.  But crossing that line to that is very difficult.  Perhaps impossible.  I know that my just saying "I forgive you" does not actually make it so.  I've done that before, a premature declaration of forgiveness...I wasn't ready.  I said that because at the time I thought I could, but I soon realized that it wasn't actually what I felt in my heart.

And my thoughts on this are so volatile.  One day I will think this, and another I want nothing to do with the idea of forgiveness.

I still fear my own thoughts and feelings, as well.  I am terrified of them and what they mean.

Everything I do and write is garbage.

Holy hell this is shit.  This is so shitty that I do not even want to reread it.  I don't even know if I want to send it in.  I had this weird crisis that my critique of this guy's theory isn't actually very good, and that severely damaged my writing ability when I was in the middle of my paper.

I do think I'm going to leave it alone now for the time being, and I'm going to try and figure out a better way to say what it is I want to say.  Because...when I articulated the idea to Brendan this morning, it apparently made a lot of sense and everything, but now I just don't know.  I feel like I repeated myself a whole lot and I don't exactly have an example of it or anything because I'm critiquing an economics-type paper.  Probably not the best of ideas, because I know nothing about the economics literature.  I tried to just focus on the rational-choice aspect of it, but...bah, I don't know.  I just don't think it is very good.  I would hate to write something terrible or all over the place as my first paper, especially for this particular professor.

Fuck, I just feel like my overall quality of work has severely declined since last semester and that really upsets me.  I don't know if it is because the summer took an especially hard toll on me to the point where I didn't do half the amount of shit I originally wanted to.  Or if it is that continuing lack of desire to do anything: I am forcing myself to do things even when I have no energy or will to do anything.  Even when all I want to do is lay in bed all day.  Maybe the amount of energy and willpower it takes for me to get up and do shit harms my ability to actually produce a piece of good work.

Self-hating thoughts: engaged.

Ugh, seriously, why do I suck at fucking everything.

Also another Friday-Saturday night spent by myself at home because I don't care enough to get up and actually try and socialize.  Socializing feels like the most fucking tedious thing in the world lately.


One good thing: since it doesn't look like I'll have a test or an assessment of any kind on November 1st, I'm probably going to buy my Hallowmas ticket tomorrow or sometime this week.  My plan is still to return to Binghamton right after the concert ends so I can at least go to class, but...yeah.

Woo Hallowmas.

I finally am able to relax.  I woke up and took Callie to the park; she's been acting up at home, especially when she's been left by herself.  Really, it might be a lot of extra energy and stuff; we were at the park for an hour and a half.  Luckily, I had it all to myself for a few, so I was able to work on recalls with her for a bit, which was awesome, since I haven't really been able to this week at all.

Then I went to the shelter to walk puppies, since I had to skip my hours on Wednesday.  I was too busy then.

And now I want to try and sit down and write up a response paper for IR.  I have an idea for a criticism that might work; I ran it by Brendan and he said it made sense and all, so I'm going to try and put it into words.  Which is time much better spent than just counting judges.  And I know I have to do that, but I really don't want to and I really do think I can do other stuff first.  My dad did say that he  might try and help me with that, which is very nice of him.  He knows how stressed out I get and everything.


Later I might post stuff about things.  I'm really distracted right now from it, which is unusual.  Not that I'm not thinking about it, but it isn't...consuming, if that is the right word.

I am very very confused about something, though.

So somehow, I was roped into doing a workshop presentation this semester, despite my not having any real research yet.  Luckily, it wouldn't be until December, but it is still somewhat...daunting.  I mean, it at least gives me a deadline; I have to have something credible by then.  But still.  It is a lot of pressure and everything.

Bah.  So much pressure.

I have until next week to finish my judicial election stuff again.

What was cool was that one of the third years approached me about possibly co-authoring something for Game Theory, since we are both interested in courts and he said that I would really be able to help him with the advanced mathematics that goes into a model and everything.  This is awesome, especially since Game Theory today was somewhat...unsettling.  It just seemed like we are about to go on a journey we are ill-prepared for...kind of like the start of any Oregon Trail game, really.  So having a potential co-author already lined up is a little more hopeful.

I started writing down possible research ideas.  Aside from two, none of them are very good, really.


Something that was mentioned caught me off-guard, and now I am somewhat confused.  Actually, scratch somewhat.


This was going to be longer?  But I'm drawing blanks.

I sincerely wonder what would happen if I just bought a plane ticket to London and left for a week or two.

Really, I wouldn't, because despite this notion of me not caring about anything and feeling trapped in a world I cannot escape from, I am too afraid of doing something that would harm my ability to get my degree, which that would.  Even if I'm going through a weird crisis where I'm not sure what it is I want anymore.

My feelings of entrapment and loneliness have skewed everything that I used to think about when I thought about my future.

When I was happier, I thought that my future was bright.  It was a tough road, but it looked nice, and I wanted to see it.  I envisioned myself as a professor, enjoying my job.  Perhaps with a loved one by my side.  It used to be him, when I pictured things.  Children I've always been unsure about for several reasons: I fear pregnancy and I've always been afraid that I would...I dunno, drop a baby or something.

Now I'm unsure about kids simply because no one should have a mother who can't be fucking happy for anyone, which is kind of what I have become.  I still envision myself as a professor, but it no longer brings me the same warm feeling.  I know it is what I want to do, but it doesn't bring me any sort of happiness.  The loved one by my side now doesn't exist, and during weak times when I still picture him, I just become angry and sad and I hate myself for having that vision, though that self-loathing doesn't do anything to make it change or go away.

My desires to run to London stem from my desire to escape, though I know running there won't help me escape this pathetic picture of my future.


Unrelated: I'm really fucking glad I bought the Streetlight tickets for their two final concerts in November, since they're sold out already.

I keep searching for more concerts to go to because they are the only places I feel alive and happy.  They're safe, in their own weird way.

Lost and Rendered

It is scary to me how relevant this is right now.  Between response, coming home to a roommate's book destroyed by my dog, and all the work I have no desire to do...yeah.

I just want an escape.

And I know I've said that before.

But I really do.

And I feel like I do not have one.

I don't have an escape from my mundane reality nor from my poisonous thoughts.

That's scary.

Judges

So part of my assignment for my research project this week is to find out the exact number of judges who are elected vs. appointed, and my god this is so tedious and kind of annoying, but I understand why it is valuable information to have.  But I keep getting different numbers for Alabama alone, so this might take longer than I originally thought.  Getting the numbers for the Supreme Courts and Courts of Appeals/equivalent of each state isn't difficult.  It is one I get into the trial courts.  Those are annoying because there are so many and no place just has a number listed and it is obnoxious to try and find.  For the amount of Circuit Court judges in Alabama along I have three different numbers, and so I might need to manually go to each circuit's website and count like that.  But if I need to do that for every trial court for every state, this is going to take a fucking long time, and I don't know how much of that I can really sacrifice.  Though I suppose it must be done.

I just don't want to though, wahhh.

Almost done with my readings for IR next week, so I want to get started on my Congress readings.  I feel like because I have the extra research stuff I did not really have last year, I need to stay as far ahead of the game on the readings as I possibly can.  Or at least in theory.  I know in practice there are shows to be watched and internets to explore.  All that jazz.

Maybe this weekend I'll actually go to that dojo and sign up for kickboxing.  Maybe.  We'll see.

Got my appointment for the psych evaluation for next week.  Really, I just want to get my meds and get out of there as soon as I possibly could.


Would it be weird if I bummed on UC's campus the night after the Streetlight concert, even though the one person I really know who is left won't be there?  Aha I know it would be really weird, but I'm not sure if I feel like driving back to Binghamton at what probably will be around midnight from Philadelphia and I also don't think I'm willing to pay for a hotel.

Speaking of UC, got an email about homecoming and wow it is really close.


I'm wondering if I didn't say something I should have or said something I should not have.  Or more...if anything I said is really...difficult, if that is the right word.  I've been thinking if I should say something else/more/etc.  I don't know.


Fire alarm went off.  Damn.

In a little over two weeks, I'm going to have to figure out a better entrance for Steph's wedding reception than what I had at Danielle's.


Going through my pictures from London really sucks because I will either see pictures or comments and I want to throw things.

In other related news: in a terrible mood and don't want to do anything other than sleep and maybe play Halo but I need to force myself up and out soon.

Today might be a day of many blog posts of the depressed variety.  Bah.

Feelings

Feelings are really annoying, aren't they?

Really, if I felt nothing, I could both give him what he wanted and not feel any pain anymore.  It'd be a win-win, wouldn't it?

Sometimes I do think that would be the better alternative to this reality of too many feelings.  And I know that when I am with Nancy, we often bring up the fact that a lack of feelings and emotions would be way worse, but sometimes I wonder.

If I could, I would probably eradicate all my feelings for him.  Feelings of love, which still persist through me despite how fucking stupid that sounds and is, and which still make me sad when I see him with others.  Feelings of hate, which consume my very being and cause me more and more pain.  Feelings of longing, which make my body shake and my pulse quicken when I see his name pop up in my inbox.

I would rid myself of these so that I could no longer hurt.  Really, it is kind of sad.

Though while the emotionless would be exhilarating at first, I wonder how long that would last?

Really, I know deep down that a lack of emotions is not the solution to all this (not that it is a realistic one even; even if it would be possible, it would not be a solution).  It just seems like it would be...easier, I suppose.

I found my keys earlier; they were indeed hiding in my couch, so that was relieving to say the very least.

Took a nap when I got home, though now I have a headache and everything because of it, so I partially regret it.  And now I really don't want to do any sort of work, though I finally met with my professor about my judicial elections memo.  He wants me to add a few more things and rearrange some chart that I did and hopefully then we can send it out.  Since it is so important to getting the next bout of funding, it needs to be pretty much perfect.

Lots of pressure, yeah.

I should try and read something at the very least, for now.  Maybe my headache and my lack of motivation will go away in a bit.


Went to health services, and gave them all my paperwork.  It was kind of shitty to fill out what I filled out, since it was a whole lot of...admitting things, but I guess it is better for me to write it down than it is for me to actually say it in person, because I have trouble admitting to people (even to Nancy, really) unless it is in writing.  And even then...

I don't know.

It is hard admitting that nothing in the future seems...desirable.  Or exciting.  Or bright.


Waiting.

Lost Keys

I'm kind of freaking out today because I have been unable to find my keys and I keep calling lost and founds on campus and no one seems to have them and I really am hoping that they are just stuck in the cushions of my couch at home (I wasn't able to look through this morning since I was in a rush and had to leave earlier than planned because I ended up having to walk due to having no car key).  Really, the only other thing I can think of is that I dropped them while walking home yesterday (and didn't notice because I was wearing my headphones and listening to Streetlight), which really sucks because that is both on and off-campus and everything.  Bah.

I'm kind of freaking out and I don't know what I'll do if I can't find those because I need them and they have all my office keys and my car key and my house keys and everything and I need all of them.

gdsjdhslkdhsahj

Also explaining the concept of rationality (in terms of rational choice) to undergrads is somewhat difficult.  Though their confusion is incredibly understandable.

My ninja had a hole in him, so I emailed Squishable and they're sending me a new one!  I told Brendan that he could have the old hole-y one ahaha.


I keep rereading everything, as usual.  I'm unsure where things might go from here anymore.  But.  Meh.  I said things and I don't know if he will ever comprehend things, really?  I don't know.  I don't know if he will ever truly understand how his words and actions contradicted each other.  But whatever.

Also that reminds me: I should go to health services to make the psychiatric exam appointment.  Joy.

I'm waiting for six to hit so I can go teach my first discussion section of the year, so I will write to pass the time and to get thoughts out and everything.

Session today went well, and luckily, I am going to try and get medication from the school now since I have been unable to get in touch with my doctor back on the Island.  This is probably better since people can monitor me more here and everything.  I just need to make an appointment at health services for hopefully Thursday or something, and then I can get stuff and everything will be much better than it usually is.  Huzzah.

We talked about this idea of me being afraid to completely let go.  I described it as a fight between my emotional and my logical sides: logically, everything is telling me to get out and leave and never think about letting him back into my life for real.  Emotionally, however, I keep hanging on.  The emotional side is what is telling me that he can be redeemed, that he will see the contradictions he made between his words and his actions, etc., etc.

It was described as...he is a part of me.  That when you are with someone, that person becomes a part of your identity: part of who you are, essentially.  Because you are so connected to that person.  Which...makes sense.  And it is not a bad thing.  It is just what happens because two people join together so closely.  When that breaks apart, it is like you have to pick up the pieces of yourself and need to rebuild yourself as a single individual again and that is much more difficult and a lot scarier to do after you have experienced being with someone and having such an intense bond with someone.  And despite him not having been physically in my life for some time, he has persisted in memories and in my thoughts.  I cannot imagine not having him, in some capacity, in my life.  I can't.  Even if I were to tell him to fuck off and never ever speak to me again and that actually played out in reality and we never spoke again...he would still be around.  He would still influence my life, because he became a part of who I was.  And while that makes me sound super co-dependent, that really is not how I mean it.  I don't mean to make it sound like that.  It is just what happens when you are with someone you love, I guess.  You two come together.  You're still your own person, but your identity changes to reflect that you have someone in your life that you are closely bonded with, and that is okay.

That bond shaped my identity, and it has been really difficult to let go of it, despite that I have not been with him for over a year, and have not actually seen him in an incredibly long time.

He is a part of me, and so I cannot imagine letting that piece of me go.

So Callie apparently has a staff infection and is now on three different medications: some antibiotics and benadryl orally, and some special shampoo I need to wash her with twice weekly for a while.  The vet thinks that it is some allergy with the new food I bought her, which is kind of...weird to me, since the new food is more organic and has better ingredients and all.  But...hey, if the old cheaper food sits better with her, that is nicer on my wallet and everything in the long run, so it all works.  Really, I hope that is it in the end, because I don't want there to be some other unknown underlying factor here.


Trainer's son texted me again and I know it is incredibly rude to not text him back but I really don't feel like it at the same time.  I did tell him I would be friends with him, but that sounds exhausting and I have this weird feeling that he would still want something other than just friendship and I don't want to have that conversation again.

I don't want to try anything.  It's too tiring.

Especially since someone else still occupies my mind.

Class today went a lot better than the first session two weeks ago.  The second years kind of took over the conversation at points, and the third years didn't seem as...arrogant as the first class.

I'm still not feeling very well, but I'm a lot better than yesterday and the day before, so that is good at least.  I unfortunately was unable to talk to my professor (the one I'm on the research project with) today.  Really, I need to see him as soon as possible, so I can get feedback on that memo and see if I need to redo it.  I think if he wanted me to rewrite it again, I could do so easier since I'm feeling a bit better and everything.  I'd rather not have to redo it yet again, but if I have to, I have to.

Also I'm taking Callie to the vet later today, since her skin seems to have broken out in these scabs and she keeps chewing at her tail (I actually bandaged it around the area) and her shedding is a little too much for what I think it should be.  I'm hoping that it isn't really much; maybe just allergies or something.  I'm hoping it is not any sort of flea problem, especially since I haven't seen anything and I have treated her, so if there is that means that the stuff I bought isn't very good.

I'm really hoping it isn't anything really bad and that it can be treated really easily.  Please let me have some luck for once.

Need to come up with my lesson plan for this week.  Should probably get on that.

Disappointments

"Every time I disappoint you, I want to hide in a hole and die of shame, so now I'm going to go bury myself under a pile of books and never come out."

This statement launched a super serious conversation with friend-who-was-formally-known-as-guy, some of which I appreciated, and some of which made me a little...not angry, but...it just gave me some bad feels.

He constantly does this thing where he says that he is definitely going to disappoint me at some point in the future.  And while that may be true, I asked him why he said it.  He claimed it was to keep expectations low, and I really...was not happy with that.  Because, as I told him, that just means that when he does disappoint me, he'll go on about how he warned me and how my expectations of him were too high and so I'll be the one at fault for being sad and disappointed even though all I expected was what I expect out of all my friends and it isn't like I'm expecting the fucking world of them I just want them to be decent people.

It took him all of two seconds to realize this was an ex-related concern.

And although ex has apologized for things and shit, the damage has already been done in that area.  My suspicions of everyone have skyrocketed and that suspicious nature of mine probably isn't going to go away anytime soon.

As friend said, the ex, political science, and retail have all severely damaged my faith in humanity.

Maybe one of those can find redemption though.

Maybe.

Despite feeling overall terrible still, I feel like I should be doing something.  Even though I don't know what exactly I should be doing (probably going to the office so I could get my lesson plan all figured out and shiz).  I just don't feel well enough to try and do anything though.  Maybe I should start on the readings for next week?  Or I should maybe pull out game theory notes from last semester and start rereading those.  I want to make sure I remember things so that I know what I'm doing (relatively speaking) for my first class on Friday.

Unrelated, but I love taking the kinsey scale test, because I always get the same result: "The test failed to match you to a Kinsey Type profile.  Either you answered some questions wrong, or you are a very unusual person."  Since I always get this result, it is more me being unusual than answering questions wrong.  Really, I just find it funny.

Also, tried on bridesmaid dress, and it is pretty.  And it fits really well.

Callie keeps biting at her tail and it is worrying me.  She actually chewed down to her skin and so I bandaged around it and I'm wondering if I should take her to the vet or something.  I don't know if she it biting because of skin or because of anxiety or because of something medical.


I keep rereading things, and wondering what else I should have maybe said.

Sick

Holy shit I feel way worse than yesterday what is going on.  The only good thing is that my temperature is back to normal, so I at least don't have the shivers/being warm thing going on (yeah, I get those two in combination a lot for some reason; it doesn't really make any sense).  I'm annoyed because seriously?  I have class tomorrow; this couldn't happen oh I don't know...any time throughout the week so that I could be alright by tomorrow?  What gives?

Hopefully it will only last today, though.  I am going to take a long shower in a bit to try and soothe some aches and whatnot.

Took my temperature; at 96°.  I was expecting to be a higher temperature than normal, since my skin feels warm to my hands, but my hands are kind of ice cold.  I know this isn't really severe, but I am feeling really sick and all.  I'm probably thinking too much about it and stuff.  Body temperatures fluctuate and everything, but I just feel awful.  Like how I would feel with a fever, but I guess it is in the opposite direction.

Should probably take some medicine, actually.  Yeah, that would be a great idea.

Kind of want to throw up too?

My fucking god, I'm a mess.

I'm going to try and talk about something which I find difficult to discuss, since I was thinking about it yesterday and thought about it today and it scares me.  The volatility of my emotions regarding that subject frightens me greatly, only slightly less than the fact that I have idealizations about this.

So when I see a concrete building when I'm driving, and the only thing I picture is myself sitting in Cornelius staring straight onto that wall...

Bah, I don't know.  Yesterday I was sitting in the car with my parents and my pup and I even thought to myself that I was sitting with three reasons to keep living, and today I'm having those visions and fantasies.  I don't know if it is because I'm feeling lonely and sick and I could even somewhat feel a possible fever coming on and it just makes me feel way worse than normal.  

Then again, it isn't like I don't think about this practically every day.  I did promise Nancy that if my fantasies developed into plans I would let her or someone else know, but I sometimes wonder if I would actually do that.  I don't know.  Everything seems exhausting.  Everything.  Besides a few exceptions, basically everything in my future seems like it is overwhelming, and my regular sadness makes this feel even worse.

I don't know if it is also the fact that I feel less close to people.  To my roommates, who have significant others and seem pretty fucking happy and productive in life in comparison to me.  To my sisters, who I fear having these deep conversations with.  To my other friends, who I don't want to bother with these sort of sad things when we actually get the chance to talk...

I miss having someone to talk to every single day and who I could tell everything to.

I miss having a real connection.

I couldn't get into my office before because for some reason the whole building was closed and locked and it makes no sense why and it was really annoying.  I have books in there that I need in order to build the lesson plan for the undergrads and everything.  So, since I couldn't get in there, I couldn't actually do the lesson plan.  Instead I've been vegging and just watching movies all day so far.  Did take Callie over to the doggie park too, but other than that I haven't really moved from my bed.  Which I'm okay with, really.

Still feeling a bit sad, and I feel as though I should have either gone down to Brooklyn to see Danny or gone to Middletown to see Dee and hang out with cousins and stuff.  But before, when I had the chance to go, I didn't really want to.  And I thought I would be able to get some work done, not knowing at the time that my building was locked.


I keep thinking about different scenarios and how I would handle them.  I'm not sure why.  In my imagination, I never really do the same thing twice.

My parents just left.  Originally I was going to go with them to Albany to see my sister but I couldn't remember if I asked roommate to watch Callie for the few hours I was gone, and he very unexpectedly brought his girlfriend over (seriously, what drives me crazy is that he never fucking says when she is coming over and I hate that all the time).  So I didn't want to ask him and then he needs to pay attention to Callie all day if he would rather be doing things with her and whatnot.  I don't mind staying home and stuff, but I really do wish he would warn me when she is coming over, seriously.  Especially since I'm not her biggest fan.  It would be great for mental preparation and all that.

But my parents leaving made sad feels come back.  I guess they were just temporarily blocking them out; they are able to do that really well.  Or maybe I just feel lonely again?  I'm not sure, truthfully.  I just didn't want them to leave.  I was told maybe I should run down to Dee's with the pup for Montgomery Day, but I have this weird feeling that I'm supposed to do something that I have not done yet.  I think...I haven't made a lesson plan for my discussion sections this week so I might want to do that.  I can run into the office and read the intro chapters and all and then come up with something to do.  

I was also thinking about trying to write some form of response for the pirate book, since I don't know when I will find another thing I really like in that class until we hit the weeks about Congress.  But I have no idea what to write and I don't really know if I am feeling...inspired enough to try and write something.  Because I am in no mood to sit here all day trying to cram out something that is just going to suck in the end if I don't really have to. 

Both my parents remarked on how they really hope that this year is less crazed and stressful than last year.  I hope so too.  I really do.  

Wine, Wings, and Ice Cream

I took my parents (and Callie) up by Cayuga Lake to some of the wineries and everything, and it was a really nice day and it was a lot of fun and make me feel really happy, which is such a rarity these days (not to sound...emo, I guess, aha).  Plus the lake was beautiful to drive by and the water was just so pretty and ahhh.

First we stopped at a wine/distillery, where they did a wine tasting and I tasted some spirits.  I really am...out of practice?  As in, I really couldn't hold it well.  I could feel my stomach churning after just those few tastings; alcohol and I don't really get along that much anymore.  But my parents liked three of the wines so much that they bought a bottle of each, which was awesome!  And the staff there was so nice and Callie was really good and it was really pretty out there.

We then hit up another winery about a half hour away, but didn't actually do any tasting there.  We just had lunch/dinner there and enjoyed the scenery and stuff.  Though the two dogs there that act as greeters and stuff for people were not very nice to Callie and that kind of concerned me.  Really, one in particular looked like she wanted to bite her whenever she came over and that was really annoying, since the place says it is pet-friendly and all.  But luckily, nothing happened.

After, despite being full, we hit up an ice cream shop which made its own ice cream and oh god it was so very very good.  I got cookies and cream and my parents shared a brownie sundae and Callie got a doggie sundae and we were all fat and happy.  It was so good.

Then, since it was nearing five and most places seemed to close around then, we just decided to come back.  So we only got to hit three places, but it was so nice and it was a gorgeous day and it just made me feel happy and calm and that doesn't happen so easily anymore.

I've spent the entire morning cleaning in preparation of my parents coming, and I think I am finally done for now.  I'll probably find something else that I should have done but...it is good for now, I guess.  I hope, aha.  I am very excited to see them.  They're bringing up the bridesmaid dress too, which has been tailored and everything, so I get to try that and make sure it fits and all.  Can't believe the wedding is less than a month away.

Really, I'm most excited to see Anisha, which I know makes me a terrible sister and even more terrible maid of honour but.  I can't help it.

Still thinking about things, and I asked one of the roommates about something in particular.  About whether or not I was being unfair about being angry over the short period of time it took him to be able to do things again.  I was told that I'm not, and that sort of...validated my feelings, I suppose.  I know I should not need someone else to validate me, but sometimes it helps when I start thinking that maybe I'm in the wrong for feeling a certain way.

I dunno.  Maybe a few days with my parents will help me not really think about stuff as much.  But I know I'm being super optimistic when I say that.

Ordinary

I've actually felt overall...good today.  Well, better than usual, which is a step towards good.  I got up, read some stuff, then walked puppies at the shelter, then came back and did some training with Callie and dropped her off to get a bath and everything.  Now I'm reading and listening to Alkaline Trio some more, since I kind of really enjoy them right now.

I'm still trying to figure out what is best for me.  Something that is good for me to remember is that nothing I say needs to be permanent unless I want it to be.  I would just need to let it be known that I'm keeping the door open, no matter if I choose to walk through it or not.  I'm thinking about something in particular, and who knows what would come of it, really.

Part of me wonders if my thinking that maybe we weren't as special as he claims or as I thought previously might help.  Because really, maybe we were special on my end, because I have had only two people where I've had that sort of connection with.  But I can't see how we were special on his end, if he is able to be close to so many others so quickly.   And if we weren't truly special in the way I thought on both ends, then...maybe we just weren't in the way I thought.  We were...ordinary.  He is ordinary.  And I don't want ordinary.

I'm not sure if I'm buying what I'm trying to sell to myself, but I'll see if I can de-tangle the web inside my head and see if it makes sense like I think it should.  This is just the thought progression I'm going through right now to try and help myself make sense of everything that went down.  Because really...I can't imagine him being able to get over me and move on that quickly if we were even half as special as he characterized to me.

I might not completely believe it right now, but...we'll see.

Sometimes I feel really guilty not eating the entire day and then going in and having to tell Nancy that I didn't eat.  The good thing though is that I'm compelled afterwards to get something, so...yeah.  So I did only eat that one meal today and I'm really fine with that, even though I probably should not.  I ought to be more hungry than I am, but I'm most likely not because of feelings and thoughts and all that jazz. 

I did actually do some reading today, and afterward I forced myself to get up and do some training with Callie and take her to the park.  I'm trying to work on her recalls especially since she kind of relapsed and hasn't been coming to me when I call her.  So I'm going to try and do something everyday if I can manage it.  Then we spent an hour at the park so she is kind of pooped right now.  

I was told to try to not succumb to the sadness.  To try to not let it overwhelm me, because then it is really difficult for me to get out of it and then it just kind of consumes and controls my life.  And I am...trying.  I will try, but it seems impossible, sometimes.  Like this weekend...it felt impossible.

Also, I was advised that whatever it is I choose to do needs to be best for me, not for him.  I need to think about what will be best for me in the long term and all, and I'm still unsure as to what that is right now. 

I think I'm also just...still fishing for some sort of explanation or something that will make sense to me and will make me go, "oh okay, I forgive you now."  When...I don't think such an explanation exists, really. 

Plus I think I'm just still searching for the person I loved, hoping that it is him who I am talking to, and not the person who abandoned and lied to me, because in my mind, those are two separate people. 

It is all a jumbled mess in my head and I wish I could stop caring.  Or I wish I could easily listen to my head even if it makes my heart hurt. 

Bah.  It is all complicated when there really should be an easy solution. 

I'm really glad I have my session today, because I really have no idea what to do.

Also all that explains why he lied (not that it excuses it) in that particular situation, but there are so many more I can highlight and that specific instance was asked about later on and a lie was still what I received.

For someone who claims it is so difficult for him to connect and be close to people, he seems to do it pretty easily, too.  So him ever saying that to someone who actually does have a hard time getting close to people in a romantic sense (as in, there's really only two I can think of - him and one other person when I was in high school) and connecting on that level is...hilarious.  Almost darkly so.

Like.  I actually have a hard time connecting and getting close to people.  It is a reason why I have a few very close friends and I've only ever had one boyfriend (and one...very intense connection over the coursse of a week-long conference).  He doesn't appear to.  Having two close connections in a romantic way within the year of breaking up with me to me doesn't translate to that being true either.  Being unable to commit isn't the same as being unable to connect, the latter of which is he repeatedly said was true for him.  But rather...he's unable to commit.  I'm unable to connect.

I don't know.  I don't know why I suddenly got on that.

But it is something I think about.  Because...as a person who finds it difficult to get close to people and have a real (not artificial, since I've had plenty of those) romantic connection...it sucks to hear that your partner is the same way - thus you continually thinking he is it - and that turns out to not be so true in practice.  It appears that way, anyway.

I'll probably mention this in any sort of reply.  I don't know.  I just don't know anymore, really.