I sincerely wonder what would happen if I just bought a plane ticket to London and left for a week or two.

Really, I wouldn't, because despite this notion of me not caring about anything and feeling trapped in a world I cannot escape from, I am too afraid of doing something that would harm my ability to get my degree, which that would.  Even if I'm going through a weird crisis where I'm not sure what it is I want anymore.

My feelings of entrapment and loneliness have skewed everything that I used to think about when I thought about my future.

When I was happier, I thought that my future was bright.  It was a tough road, but it looked nice, and I wanted to see it.  I envisioned myself as a professor, enjoying my job.  Perhaps with a loved one by my side.  It used to be him, when I pictured things.  Children I've always been unsure about for several reasons: I fear pregnancy and I've always been afraid that I would...I dunno, drop a baby or something.

Now I'm unsure about kids simply because no one should have a mother who can't be fucking happy for anyone, which is kind of what I have become.  I still envision myself as a professor, but it no longer brings me the same warm feeling.  I know it is what I want to do, but it doesn't bring me any sort of happiness.  The loved one by my side now doesn't exist, and during weak times when I still picture him, I just become angry and sad and I hate myself for having that vision, though that self-loathing doesn't do anything to make it change or go away.

My desires to run to London stem from my desire to escape, though I know running there won't help me escape this pathetic picture of my future.


Unrelated: I'm really fucking glad I bought the Streetlight tickets for their two final concerts in November, since they're sold out already.

I keep searching for more concerts to go to because they are the only places I feel alive and happy.  They're safe, in their own weird way.