This is stupid

Instead of listening to this intro lecture (which, to be fair, I really don't have to listen to), or working on the paper that is due by 10 pm tonight, I decided to just reread all the emails for what feels like the billionth time, and it really just makes me sad.  Especially when I have the conversations from London and everything kind of in my head - due to me making super bad decisions last night - the contrast between then and now is actually making me feel sick and shake a little bit. 

I know that this behaviour is not conducive to my feeling better, but I sometimes can't help it.  I know how pathetic that is and I know how pathetic that sounds but...it is true.  And I know constantly refreshing my inbox isn't going to make anything else magically appear.   

Maybe this upsurge in obsessive actions is because of the two dreams I had where he was a large player and all.  I dunno.  More accurately, I'm usually like this, and I just had a small period of being less concerned with all of this than usual.  

I don't know.  It just...the person who I knew when I was in London and even when I came home...he's not around anymore.  Even though these emails sort of flashback to him, I can't sit here and think that the loving and trustworthy person I knew has shown his face again. 

No.  Despite what he says now, he tossed me aside and got over me within the month of leaving me (or arguably, even sooner than that).  I was nothing, and I still continue to feel that worthlessness.  How could I be worth something when it took him so little time to find new people?  How?  I don't understand and I don't think I will ever understand.  How could I mean so much to him when he could do all that without thinking about how it would affect me, so soon after our relationship's death?  His selfishness overrode my feelings, and because of that, I don't see how I can be cared about so much. 

He was and unfortunately still is worth something to me.  If he wasn't, I wouldn't spend so much time thinking about him and what he did and what he thinks of me and all.  I don't want him to be, and I've tried to tell myself so many times that he is nothing to me, but I was lying to myself and I would be lying again if I tried to say it again now. 

And I know there is part of me that is saying that I must be worth something, if he would email me out of the blue and everything, but I still feel like I'm nothing.  I still feel like I and our relationship wasn't worth fighting for, despite how much I fought for it and would have continued to fight for it, because of how much I loved him and how much I wanted us to survive.  

I feel like I've just taken a few large steps back in progress.