I'm going to try and talk about something which I find difficult to discuss, since I was thinking about it yesterday and thought about it today and it scares me.  The volatility of my emotions regarding that subject frightens me greatly, only slightly less than the fact that I have idealizations about this.

So when I see a concrete building when I'm driving, and the only thing I picture is myself sitting in Cornelius staring straight onto that wall...

Bah, I don't know.  Yesterday I was sitting in the car with my parents and my pup and I even thought to myself that I was sitting with three reasons to keep living, and today I'm having those visions and fantasies.  I don't know if it is because I'm feeling lonely and sick and I could even somewhat feel a possible fever coming on and it just makes me feel way worse than normal.  

Then again, it isn't like I don't think about this practically every day.  I did promise Nancy that if my fantasies developed into plans I would let her or someone else know, but I sometimes wonder if I would actually do that.  I don't know.  Everything seems exhausting.  Everything.  Besides a few exceptions, basically everything in my future seems like it is overwhelming, and my regular sadness makes this feel even worse.

I don't know if it is also the fact that I feel less close to people.  To my roommates, who have significant others and seem pretty fucking happy and productive in life in comparison to me.  To my sisters, who I fear having these deep conversations with.  To my other friends, who I don't want to bother with these sort of sad things when we actually get the chance to talk...

I miss having someone to talk to every single day and who I could tell everything to.

I miss having a real connection.