New Year stuff

I'm not too in the mood to post anything of substantial length right about now, so maybe later or tomorrow I will for the whole new year and everything.

All in all, 2012 sucked, with some exceptions like meeting new friends and everything.  The fact that I wish I could erase this past year from my memory is darkly hilarious to me, considering I would have said 2011 was one of the best years of my life.  Give and take, I suppose.

Hopefully 2013 will be better for me.  I can only wish for that.

Les Mis

Saw Les Miserables with a friend whom I haven't seen in a while.  It was a lot of fun.  Not the movie, but hanging out with her was.

Truthfully, it wasn't my kind of movie; I thought the music was awesome, but I got very bored.  Plus the whole 'love at first sight' thing always pisses me off.  If it weren't for our inappropriate comments throughout, I probably would have fallen asleep, or something.

Stomach hurts.  Not really anything new there.

As of now, still not sure what is going down for New Year's tomorrow.  Gonna text Brendan when I wake up.

NES

Tempted to buy an NES just because.

Or at least more games for my SNES.

Personal

My stomach hurts, and I feel restless.

I've been thinking.  A dangerous pastime for me, I know.  When I think about certain things it makes my body react in uncomfortable ways, and it reminds me of how messed up I truly am.

The fact that I can be fine one minute, and then swing completely to the opposite side is more than a little distressing.

I was really doing fine all week, to the point where I started thinking that maybe the medication I discussed with my doctor would be unnecessary.  That maybe it was the crazed stress from the end of the year and everything.  A stupid thought, on my part; this doesn't go away.  Truthfully it never really has, I've just always found excuses for it, or tried to hide it behind something else.  It's always really been around; it just has only been recently that I've found it more and more difficult to suppress it in front of others.  Even in times where I was happy, it showed up.  When I was in London and everything...I was sad a lot.  I blamed it on missing people and being homesick, but I don't think that's truly what was going on.

When people meet me, they often find me to be a very upbeat individual.  And truthfully, when I am with friends, a lot of times I feel happy.  I think it is just because the voices of others drown out the one that is inside my head.  I focus on other people because it allows me to not focus on myself.  I want others to be happy, but turn my back on what would help me.

I'm just.  Very sad.  Sad and lonely.  Despite that I have friends and family and people who care for me.

I miss my best friend, who is at her new job and is so far away.  I miss my friend who is doing awesome things in South Korea right now.  I miss my older sisters, who - although I know they will always be there for me - have their significant others and so I see them far less often than I once did.  I miss the guy, even though I saw him not too long ago.  And I miss him, while simultaneously fucking despising him.  At the same time, what's funny with him, is that I still feel like I failed.  I want to make others happy, and I couldn't do it for him.  Even though he didn't deserve me trying, I wanted to anyway.  Until somewhat recently, I wanted to.

I'm a perfectionist because it is the only way I like myself.  When I do well in school, for example, I'm allowed to be happy, for at least a little bit, because I earned it.

I'm not allowed to just...be happy.  I have to earn happiness.

Which is honestly such a fucked up way of thinking, but when I think about it...that has been my mentality for practically my entire life.  Not brought on by anything, mind you.  My parents were always supportive and were always the "if you tried your hardest that is all we can ask for" types.

Really, what is frustrating about all of this is that I have no fucking reason to be sad like this.  I have a fantastic loving family, awesome friends, am in a great program at school, am not financially struggling...there is nothing in my life for me to be sad about.  There's no reason for me to feel so alone.  My breakup?  Yeah, but everyone goes through those, and they don't crash the way I did.  Besides, this is no longer truly about that.  And honestly, I believe that all my breakup did was exacerbate an already existing problem; it did not cause it.  Plus, I should be over it by now, and to an extent, I am.  I no longer carry these fantasies of us meeting up later in life and realizing ~*we were right for each other all along*~

Please.  Excuse me while I throw up everywhere.

No, now I fantasize about seeing him and telling him off the way I should have every other time we saw each other.

But, I digress.

It is still frustrating, though.  It really is.


This should probably go into my private journal.  Oh well.

Looks like I won't be going back to Binghamton for New Year's; he can't make it back, which is understandable, and yet I'm still a little sad about it.

Maybe I'll go up for a weekend after, or something.  I don't know.  I do want to see him, but I don't want to come off as creepy, or anything.

Bah.  I'm not good at this whole thing.  Not at all.


In good news, my Portal bookends came today.  They're sick looking.

Portal 2

Playing Portal 2 with my dad; it's been awesome.

I like getting him into playing more games.  He has some trouble with the xbox controllers; when I tried to introduce him to Resident Evil 5, he got a little frustrated since it is so fast-paced and uses all of the controls quite extensively.  Portal allows you to take more time and everything, so I think he's really enjoying it so far!   He finds GLaDOS really funny, which pleases me.

And I'm loving playing with him, too.

Someone who was in my class was arrested yesterday for stabbing his family.


Really glad I wasn't near campus, honestly.

Engagements

Holy fuck it seems like everyone is getting engaged.

Just.

Stop it.

./WHINES.

I should go to sleep, aha.

Seeing The Hobbit again tomorrow with fam.  And my doctor is supposed to call me back, so hopefully it won't be during then.

Obligatory

Merry Christmas!

It's been nice, not traveling this year.  Nice and relaxing.

Spent some time with Anisha, who I will be visiting again in a little.  Discussed guys old and new, hating on the former and gushing a little over the latter (even though there is nothing official to gush over), exchanged gifts and snuggles with her, and was sad about the fact that this will be the first New Year's in a while where we won't be together.

Got some cool gifts; she got me a gamer chair.  Yeah, like one of the ones where it hooks up and there are speakers in it so its like surround sound or something?  One of those.  Fucking sweet.  I will be testing that out extensively this vacation.  The gifts I handed out were unfortunately lame as fuck, and I blame that on the fact that I didn't shop until Christmas Eve.  Stupid finals.

I want to see more friends.

Had a talk with my dad about some things.  As usual, he was able to cheer me up, hence deletion of previous post.

Still feeling upset, but my dad always helps when I finally work up the courage to tell him about stuff.  I don't know why I hesitate, but I do.  And I know I will in the future.  I didn't even tell him everything, but he knows enough for now, and I suppose that is good for the time being.

It doesn't really feel like Christmas time.  Which is really distressing, actually, since this is usually the time of year I love the most, post-finals and everything like that.  I don't know if it is because my oldest sister is not here, or because my older sister won't be here until tomorrow, or what, but it just feels...I don't know.

I'm just...not as happy as I want to be, especially for this time of year.  I suppose I can blame that on what has been going on with me, but usually it at least goes away for the holidays, albeit temporarily.

I wonder if I should tell my parents about stuff.  They probably know about some things, but I'm not sure the extent, or anything.

My attempts to not think about certain things have been failing, which might be contributing to my mood.

Good news is that two out of my three grades have been posted, both of them being As.

I do want to see guy for New Year's.  I wonder if he wants to see me.

Music

My parents have already been on my case about food and eating, which is actually a good thing.

I still haven't gone Christmas shopping, and I really have little desire to get up and go.  For some reason, I'm really tired, even though I have no reason to be.  Maybe I'll just save my shopping for the day before, which I know is the worst idea ever, but.  Oh well. 

Looking at new music, and I might acquire The Postal Service's album, though I have been avoiding one of their (unfortunately awesome) songs like the plague.  Seriously, I haven't even really listened to Streetlight's cover of it. 

But maybe I'll be able to listen to it again.  I have the same problem with one of Death Cab's songs (which has unfortunately also translated to me avoiding that entire particular album), and I miss listening to them both.  But maybe I'm at a point where I can listen to them again without getting either upset or angry or a combination of both.  Especially since I'm very happy with what has been going on with the new guy, even if I still don't exactly know what is going on.  It just...is nice.  And I hope it'll just get better from here, you know? 

I've been lazy as hell the past two days, and I'm more than okay with this, after the last three or four weeks. 

Back on the Island.  Drive down was fine until I hit the city, as usual.

I'm really tired, so I might just watch Supernatural and go to sleep soon.

My doctor's appointment is scheduled for Monday, so.  There's that.

Last night went well, I'd say.

Probably will try to come up here for New Year's, depending on what he's doing.  I don't want to not see him for over a month.

Done

Holy shit I'm finished with grading.  Which means I'm finished with this semester.

I.  It doesn't feel like it.

But it does feel nice.

I'm sitting here practically upside-down on the couch because why the hell not.

Still hanging with guy, and now might be picking up Anisha at some time from an airport in Elmira.  Both of these things I'm very excited about, despite that I'm very tired.


Sad note: I think I left some of my previous stats homeworks in the computer lab, since I can't find them anywhere.  Which means I'll have to stop by and check tomorrow before leaving.  I hope they're there.  I really could use them.

Grading

I'm spending today grading papers.  Finished one class already, though it was my smaller one.  I'm a little tired, since I couldn't really fall asleep last night, but that's okay.

Hopefully I'll be hanging out with guy tonight.  We wanted to hang out last night, but it got super icy and he didn't feel comfortable driving all the way to my apartment from his house, which was more than okay.  I'd rather him be safe and everything.

The prospect of hanging out with him gives me motivation to get my shit done, actually.  Last night I did one of my essays in an hour because I was trying to finish before he would show up, and tonight, I want to finish grading by 10, since I think that's when he'll be free after his play and everything.  I'm not sure exactly what we're going to do; maybe watch a movie or something!  I have been prodding at him to watch the Avengers, since he hasn't, but I also don't own it.  I would say The Room, but that needs to be done in a group bigger than 2 people.


Supernatural is an awesome show.  I look forward to getting through all the seasons throughout this break.


Also, caught up on Dexter.  Holy fuck that finale.   Holy.  Fuck.

Got a 100 on my filibuster paper, which makes me far far too happy.  Not only that, but my professor wrote at the end that he liked my paper a lot, and that it was well thought out and well organized.

I might try to expand on this research in the future, and maybe try to publish it.

Maybe I can do what I said could be done for future research - I can look at the House data and see how their productivity has been and everything, and then compare that to the Senate to see if there is a substantial difference.

I'm really glad he liked it.

Now I just need to write the rest of his final.  Which I really have little desire to do.  But it must get done.  At least I'm finished with the stats portion.

Alone

Apartment to myself for the next 2-3 days, depending on when I decide to leave.

Hell.  Fucking.  Yes.

Only thing is that my friends also left.  The guy is around, but he's very busy, so as much as I'd like to hang with him, I don't want to burden him or anything like that.

But regardless.

Apartment to myself.

I feel like i should dance around naked or something.

Regression

Spent all day doing a multivariate regression by hand.

It kind of really sucked.  It could have been worse, if I had been doing it alone, but luckily, I was working with someone the whole time.

The worst part is that it alone wasn't the entire stats portion of the assignment.  And I have two essay questions to also complete before being able to hand this in.  While I should do those tonight, so I can spend tomorrow grading, I really don't want to do anymore work.  Plus, I got little sleep last night, so I'm more exhausted than I should be right now.


I received an incredibly funny facebook message today from someone I don't know, claiming that her gay friend has this fantasy of some girl he doesn't know and will never see again beating the shit out of him, and that he would pay this girl $100 an hour to do this.

I...don't even know, man.  I don't even know.

Fun

Today was awesome.  A nice break from all the work and shit that has been going down.

I woke up around one, appropriately, since I spent 14 hours working yesterday and did not get to sleep until five in the morning.  I started cleaning everything so that by the time four or five rolled around and friends got here, things would look nice (though I once again found myself in a situation where things hadn't been cleaned in a while, which angered me, but I'll get to that in a bit).

Carl and Brendan showed up around 4:30, and we headed out to Target to acquire things.  Things like food...but mostly candy.  Oh a lot of candy and stuff was gathered.  I also bought Wii points so that I could download Super Mario 64 on my system.  A great idea, that was.  We also stopped by the liquour store and they each bought a bottle of wine.  I stayed away from the alcohol, for obvious reasons.

We played video games for a long time, actually.  First Mario 64, and then some Brawl, and then Mario Kart.  While I schooled in the first two, I was destroyed in the third.  My god, I am all sorts of awful at Mario Kart.

Then, guy came over also.  We watched Taken, which was, as always, wonderful.  Lots of ice cream and food were consumed, and all was glorious.  We started watching The Grey, but people ended up having to leave.  Carl and Brendan headed out first, and then guy left a few minutes after.  It was nice being able to hang with him by myself for at least a little, as much as I love all of us hanging out together!  Though I immediately was able to tell that I became a little more on-edge when it was just the two of us.  Which was good; a physical involuntary reaction like that means I really do have a thing for him, and I'm not just...convincing myself that I do, if that makes sense.

He said he'd like to come over maybe tomorrow or something and hang out again.  I'm excited about that, honestly.  I still don't know about possible reciprocated feelings, but I'm too much of a wimp to try anything myself.  Like...idk I want to ask him or anything, but I'm really awkward and I ramble a lot when I get nervous about that stuff and yeah.  In short, I have no idea what I'm doing.  I never do.

I think I might come back up for New Years.  I'll have to talk to him and see what he is up to and if maybe he'd be available to hang out, or something.


Now, something that kind of angered me after all this awesome.  I decided I wanted to start seeing all the bills.  So all the ones that are not in my name, I still want to see, because I still need to pay them.  So I told roommate that I wanted to start seeing them.  He didn't seem to understand, but complied, though only gave me the gas bills.  I said I also wanted to see the internet bill, and he replied it was online; I said I still wanted to see it.  So he forwarded it to me, but remarked that next time he'd "appreciate it" if I "asked more politely."  Now, to be fair, I didn't ask politely at all, because fuck politeness when dealing with him anymore.  So, knowing that if I were to say anything immediately to that, I would explode, I seethed for a little bit in my room.  When I finally figured that I'd be able to say something in response, I remarked how I wanted a chore wheel for next semester because I'm tired of cleaning the entire apartment all the time and the reason why I'm not polite is because I'm incredibly annoyed with him for reasons such as that.  I then muttered under my breath (which he may or may not have heard, I'm not entirely sure, nor do I care) that he doesn't deserve my "politeness" because he doesn't do fucking anything and I'm tired of doing everything around the house.

What did please me was that when I told Brendan this, he remarked that he is an ass and a crazy person who doesn't have any clue as to the fact that he's a dick.  He also said that maybe with all the inconsiderate stuff he does that I point out, the less he can pretend to be anything other than a huge fucking asshole.  I'm not as optimistic; people like my roommate tend to be very "oh I never do anything wrong ever it is everyone around me who suck!"  When in reality, the reason why people can't fucking stand you, is because you are a pompous lazy waste of space.


But other than that confrontation, this was an awesome day.  I still need to grade some papers, finalize grades, and finish one final, but all of this pales in comparison to what I've already done, so I'll be okay.

Today is going to be a good day.

Bought four cartons of ice cream yesterday.  Going to buy some food and rent movies and have my three main dudes over to watch them and eat and play video games and just enjoy ourselves.

We still have one more final to finish, but...I really just want a day to relax and have fun.


Without the drinking.  I don't want a repeat of Saturday night.

This is the worst final.

Holy hell.

Everything I'm writing is crap.


Though my professor did pull me aside and tell me how much he liked having me in class and while I didn't talk much, everything I said was really good.  I liked that.

He's trying to get me to major in comparative.

I might, honestly.  We'll see.

Dumb

No more towers of Long Island during a stressful time.

Why?

Because after not drinking for a while, I decide to pound drinks back after not eating for 9 hours or so, without water.  And then I start throwing up at a bar and acting like a fucking idiot.

Act like that in front of the guy I kinda sorta like?  Yeah, real fucking smart idea, Allison.

Also, when I leave said bar with my friends, something hits me, and I start hysterically crying in the street.  This doesn't stop even after we get up to one of said friend's apartment, where I throw up some more, and reveal to them pretty much fucking everything that goes on inside my head.

Everything.

I just.

The fact that I have friends who are very supportive of me and hugged me close while I revealed all this is amazing, and I couldn't ask for anyone better.

The fact that I got drunk and spilled everything and put all that burden on them is awful, and I partially hate myself more for it.

Poli Sci Problems

Realizing more and more that you're basically arguing that the world sucks and is never really going to get better.  That world peace is an idealistic fantasy because of reasons, and international cooperation is incredibly difficult to achieve in reality.

Man, when did I become so pessimistic?


I would like to try and finish this draft before midnight, if possible, so I could go and drink a tower of Long Island.  That'd be fucking sweet.

Allison, it is time you accepted who you've become.

Embrace it.

You've become a realist more than you ever were before.

It makes sense.

Office

I'm at the office right now.

It's 11 at night.  I just drove back here.

It's 11 on a Friday night.

And I'm at the fucking office.

I'm not pleased.

[Edit] - IT'S ALMOST 3 IN THE MORNING but I think I'm finally done with this paper with the exception of editing which will be so fucking necessary because I'm pretty sure I wrote "significantly significant" at one point instead of "statistically significant" and that was like...an hour ago.  Lord knows my writing probably suffered more at the hour grew later.

I feel as though I've checked out for the semester.  Which is awful, because I still have so much work to do. Too much, if you ask me, but I suppose this is what I signed up for.

Straight up, I think I have a crush.

Whether or not feelings are reciprocated, I do not know.  I figure maybe I should eventually...I don't know, tell him or something.  I'm back into the mode of being both excited and terrified of these types of feelings, and not really...knowing what to do.  What the best path is, I mean.  I've been really busy, so I've tried to not think about it so much.

The fact that I do really like someone though, regardless of whether or not those feelings are returned, is awesome.  Because it shows that I am actually capable of that, when for a while I did not think this sort of thing would happen again.

We'll see what happens!

Hobbit

Movie was awesome.

Play was wonderful.

Company was incredible.

I'm tired, so details are lacking, I know.

Sadly, I need to get back to work tomorrow.

I was curious about something, but things appear to be back to the status quo.

Stomach is hurting, though I'm not really sure why?

I had almost forgotten how much I loathe the filibuster rule (except not really; I've always remembered).  I do need to keep reading stuff on it and everything.  Hopefully I can write something at least halfway decent, considering I got the extension and everything.  Though I don't really know how to go about the data analysis.  I asked Brendan to help me out after class; I hope I'm not bothering him so much.  I feel like I ask him for a lot of help.

Tonight I'm heading over to see the play; I wonder what time I should get there.  Maybe a half hour early?  And then we're going to see The Hobbit.

If I didn't feel so overwhelmed, I think I'd feel much more excited than I do right now.

Extension

As much as I hate asking for them, I ended up requesting an extension for my filibuster paper, because I just have not been able to think about it until today, and I still need to run the t-test/regression on the data which I'm not even sure is correct, plus figure out the lit. review part and everything else.  I asked for the weekend, because even though I'll be getting another final to do on Friday, I like to think it will not take me all weekend.  Actually, having both assignments will force me to not obsess over just one, and allocate my time accordingly.

In theory, anyway.

I'm still going to do as much as I can tonight, and if I can, I will try to finish it, but I seriously doubt that I'll be able to do that and make it somewhat decent.

Really, I do hate asking for extensions, though.  I was told that I need to think of this as a special circumstance; it isn't just all the work, but it is all the work and all the personal stuff that I'm trying to deal with that maybe other people are not.

The medication talk was brought up briefly again.  It's something I'll need to discuss further.

I feel like I'm going to pass out.

This is a combination of everything, I think.  I shouldn't feel as tired as I do, because I actually got a decent amount of sleep last night.  But it might be the stress and everything that is making me feel exhausted and giving me a headache.

I just need to aim for Thursday, at the very least.  Play, and then Hobbit.

It feels like there's way too much in between now and then, though.

Fantasizing

So, when I'm incredibly tired due to a lack of sleep, I begin to fantasize about near-impossible situations, and these provide far too much of a distraction from any work getting done.  Although I am almost finished with one of the books for Wednesday, I really do need to figure out some data or do some sort of research for my paper on the filibuster that is due on Thursday.  That, or figure out a response paper for Wednesday.  As of now, though, I have nothing for that.  I'll have to rely on the other book, or hope some flash of brilliance hits me at some point. 

But fantasizing about becoming best friends with the singer of my favourite band is not going to get any of this work done.  I don't even know why I started thinking about that, but the scenario I have sleepily pictured in my mind is really cool. 

Man, I really do want to see them again.

I am so fucking tired. 

In my final discussion class for my Monday group, I had a few people ask me what sessions I was going to be TA-ing for next semester in the American government class, because they're taking it and they wanted to make sure they get into one of my groups.

That made me very happy, actually.

Finished!

Welp, finished that paper!  And by finished, I mean I have written all of it.  As of now, it remain unedited, and is most likely a steaming pile of hot shit, but it is done for now, and I'll worry about the massive editing project I must undertake tomorrow.

I celebrated its completion by dancing and rocking out in my room to World/Inferno.

Tomorrow I won't be so happy when I realize I still have a reaction paper for Comparative (along with two books to read) and my methods paper for Thursday I've yet to even really think about, but whatever I will allow myself this brief moment to be happy with something big being (mostly) finished.

Thinking about stuff which makes my stomach hurt.  I wonder if I'll eat dinner, since I haven't yet.  I have eaten today, but not a lot, and nothing really...good.  Pretty much all I've consumed has been cookies.  Because cooking requires effort.

I don't want to think about that stuff.  Especially since I'm not done with the paper yet, so all that extra crap is just distracting me.  I need to find one more reference to Waltz to discuss, and then two more paragraphs after that.  It feels like I'm almost done, but finding and dissecting the reference is easier said than done, and I really just don't want to do it.

Fuck I just want one goddamn day where I don't think about sad things.

Identity Crisis

Allison, you are not a neorealist.

You are not a neorealist.

You are not a neorealist.

You're not a realist in any fashion.  Just because you're hanging around with Waltz a lot doesn't mean you get to throw away all you believe.  Just because you have to talk about how influential he has been doesn't mean he is not problematic and that you buy his argument!


Seriously, though, I feel like a neorealist because of all I've been writing.  Even though I really am not one.

Only nerds like me would be seriously concerned about this sort of identity crisis.

I'm feeling sad.

That's normal, but I wanted to write about something other than Waltz for two seconds or so.

I might stop tonight with this paper.  I just.  I can't concentrate.  I'm not feeling up to doing any more of it.  Maybe I'll just read for Wednesday, or something.  As awfully low as my work ethic is right now, I should try to do something, because I really don't have time to be feeling like this and allowing myself to do nothing. I can pick up with the paper tomorrow.  I will have to hope that I'll be more in work-mode than I was today, because writing about two and a half pages for the entire day is abysmal.

Even at the party, I felt sad.  Socializing didn't help me, either.

What I really want to do is sleep.  For a very very long time.

Paper

No motivation to write this thing.

Really, I wish I could just write this:

"WALTZ IS INFLUENTIAL AS FUCK.  MISUSED AS HELL, BUT STILL INFLUENTIAL."

And that's it.

That shit is A-worthy right there.  Publishable too.

TA Assignment

Oh, I forgot to say this: I received my TA assignment for next semester.  As I suspected, the intro to American government class.  Which I was very happy with.  Though I became ecstatic when I saw that I am not TA-ing the same course as my roommate.

Seriously.  I did a fucking dance of joy.

Only thing: as of now, I'm the only American TA for this class.  Which is fine, because the other three are awesome, but I'll be the only one going in with extensive background knowledge on the subject.  When one of the others heard this, he remarked how that would probably mean I'll be the head TA, considering we're all first years, so there is no seniority.  My response was an immediate "...fuck."

Head TAs seem to do substantially more work than the rest of us.  The head TA for comparative is awesome but she formats all the tests and organizes all the meetings and everything like that.  It is all extra work that I really didn't want, but if that is what ends up happening, then so be it, I suppose.

It definitely will be more bearable now that my roommate is not a TA for the same class.  Goddamn, it'll be amazing, actually.


Downloaded another World/Inferno album, also.  It makes me want to see them again.  I'll be looking out for their 2013 tour schedule.  I'd also like to see Streetlight at some point soon, if I can.  I'd go to the show they're having in Allentown, but it is smack in the middle of finals and everything, so I really can't afford to spend the time going over there, unfortunately.  I'll just have to be patient and wait!  

The Hobbit

Just got four tickets to the midnight showing of The Hobbit, and I am far too excite about it.

Before then I'm going to see the play the guy is in, which makes me happy as well.

This good stuff is momentarily distracting me from all my other thoughts and feelings, which is great.

List

I put this into my phone, but I am also going to write down this list of all the stuff I need to do, and the due dates:

- Reaction Paper for World (12/10)
- Waltz Paper for World (12/10)
- Readings for World (12/10)
- Final discussion class lesson plan/quiz for comparative intro (12/10 and 12/12)
         * Need to speak with the other TAs about what we are doing with the final week.
- Homework 4 for Research Methods (12/11)
- Reaction Paper for Comparative (12/12)
- Readings for Comparative (12/12)
- Research Paper for Methods (12/13)
- Grade comparative intro tests (12/14)
- World Final (12/17)
- Comparative Final (12/18)
- Methods Final (12/21)
- Grade comparative intro final essays (12/21)


Man.  I am so fucked.  Especially since I'm having a lot of trouble concentrating and everything with being sick and sad lately.

I'll try to suck it up as much as I can.  I was told that I shouldn't feel bad if I end up needing to ask for extra time, but...man I really hate doing that.  I really, really do.

[Edit] - Downloaded another World/Inferno album that I was missing.  Already a little happier, aha.  Why are they so good.  (Though the timing in which I fell for them is darkly hilarious to me.)

Meh

I am all sorts of fucked up.

And screwed, in terms of assignments.

And still sick.

I'm supposed to set time to myself to write down everything I want to say, or record myself saying things that I want to let out.  It's hard to do the latter when I don't live alone, and...I should do the former, I know.  But something like that will take longer than any of these little entries take.

I realized today how angry I am about the whole London thing.  Angry and really upset about it.  I've been thinking about it a lot lately.  I don't know why; maybe because soon it will have been two years since I went over there, so it's like...my London anniversary or something.  That was, without a doubt, one of the biggest sacrifices I made, and for what?  Nothing.  I was the idiot who thought that if I didn't go everything would be fine, and that my sacrifice would maybe one day be reciprocated or at least appreciated.

Thinking about stuff like this does fuel my dislike and nascent hatred of him, but it also intensifies the anger I feel at myself.  I was told that I need to allow myself to make mistakes like that, that I should tell myself that it is okay to still feel like this and that I'm not to blame, and that, above all else, I need to forgive myself.

I don't know when I'll be able to do that.

Prep work

I'm reading through Waltz's Theory of International Politics, since I've decided that - although I heavily disagree with it - I'm going to write on it for my final paper for my World Politics class.  Despite how much I don't buy Waltz's theory overall, I cannot deny that he has been widely influential in the realm of international relations.  Even if he has been widely misused, as well.  I probably will actually talk about that in my paper.

Still, I am unsure as to how I'm going to structure it.  As of now, I've only been preparing for the paper - trying to organize my notes and stuff in one document.  Right now, I'm just skimming through and writing down quotes I think are important.  Unfortunately, it takes a lot of time.  Fortunately, it allows me to review the book's main points without actually having to reread the whole thing.  (Which is awesome, because this book is unbelievably dry.  I don't think I'd be able to read the whole thing again already.)


Right now, my desk in my office is decorated with Christmas stuff, two memes, and too many song lyrics.  It's sad and loser-ish of me to surround myself with lyrics, but they're usually kind of important to me.  Or I just really like them.  Like, I have a part of "A Better Place, A Better Time" up, for example.  That's one of many, though.  Sadly, I listen to songs and want more and more of them up on my wall in my office.

I kind of like it, even if, at the same time, I find it somewhat pretentious/weird.


[Edit] - I kind of hate myself for still being unable to listen to certain songs because they were on that stupid cd.

According to my mother, I need to think about myself more than I do.  I care so much about pleasing other people that I sacrifice my own happiness and my own desires in order to make everyone else happy.  And while their happiness could please me, sometimes it really is detrimental to everything I want and need.


I wonder if I'm like that because I think other people deserve to be happy more than me.

I'm concerned with how little I give a fuck about anything right now.  Especially with my TA assignments.  I'm just getting angry.  Grading the essay, grading the tests, and then grading the final essay.  And I realize that all the other TAs have the same amount of crap and probably aren't bitching about it in the same manner,  but...I don't know.

I don't like not caring about this stuff.  I mean, not about the TA things, but about my other assignments.  Everything is spilling together and I'm becoming more and more apathetic to everything going on.  I need to actually care.  If I don't, I become listless.

School, in its odd way, while both frustrating me and stressing me out, gives me purpose.  I know that probably is weird to hear and say, but this kind of intellectual work is what keeps me going, oddly enough.

So when I really don't care about it at all, I worry.  It might be just that I feel so overwhelmed (on top of still feeling physically awful) that I've started to take this particular approach in order to handle the stress (even though all I'm actually doing is creating more stress), but still.

./WHINES

I think I need to go to Wellness today or something.

I'm still having coughing fits and still stuffy and my gums are like...swollen around one of my wisdom teeth and fuck it hurts.  I know I probably should have had it pulled, but.  Oh well.  I don't know if anyone there will know about dentistry but maybe they can look at it anyway.

The tooth thing is super frustrating because I just went to the dentist over my break.  He had made a comment about the one being impacted, but he didn't think it was that bad then, and it wasn't nearly as bad now.  It has just gotten very swollen, making me think something might have become infected or something.  I don't know.  I really don't want to have to deal with this until I can head back to my own dentist on the Island, and I'm not entirely sure if they'd take my insurance up here since it is based on the Island.  But on the other hand, if they go "THAT SHIT NEEDS TO BE PULLED," I can't really do that right now either.  I have too many assignments to do.  There is no way I'll be able to do them if I have to get stuff pulled and then am incapacitated for a while because of medication and pain.

Nope.

As much as I try to put off going to Wellness and stuff like that, I think I'll try to go today.  Just to see if maybe they can give me something stronger than I've been taking.  That makes me sound like I'm an addict, going in solely for drugs.  But I really don't care.


[Edit] - Went and got some Penicillin.  Aw yeah medication.

Job talks

We've been having a lot of job talks at the university because there are two (three?) positions available for new professors starting next year.  Usually they give a presentation and then the grad students are supposed to have a meeting with the candidate by ourselves.  I have to say I've been slacking on going to the grad student meetings with them because I've been wanting more time to do work, since I have so much of it lately.

Though I'm going to try to go to whichever ones I can from now on, since we got an email saying only two people showed up to the one today.  I feel bad.  There's so many of them though...I feel like we've been having multiple job talks every week.


Grading is probably the worst thing in the world to do.


Been thinking today about stuff.  Which is dangerous, I know.  Though I suppose that is not unique to just today.  Bah.

I just want the semester to be over.


Before, I was wondering what I'm going to do for New Year's.  I don't know if I'll stay on the Island or if I'll come back up here.  I'll see what people are up to.

Weekend

So although I didn't get a lot of work done this weekend because of McKenna's visit, it was well worth it.  We had tons of fun.  Yesterday after lunch and before the movie, she showed me two episodes of Supernatural, which I really want to watch more of.  But I don't want to get too into any new shows until after all my assignments are finished.

Last night I hosted a showing of The Room - Brendan and Carl had never seen it.  We played a drinking game but didn't get too crazy.  They both loved it (as they should have, because that movie is hilarious).  We want to see if we can go to an actual screening of it at some point, which looks like it could be crazy amounts of fun.  I invited guy over to watch but something happened with his phone; he did show up around midnight, and we all just hung out and talked and had a good time!  He was impressed by my alcohol collection, which makes me appear as though I drink way more than I actually do.  Originally we were going to play Mario Kart 64 on my Wii, but we only got through two matches before guy showed up and we got distracted.  It was really fun though!  And I promised my friends that we'll play again at some point.

I'm glad I had people over.  I've been told that I need to claim my space in the apartment, and I'm pretty sure I did that yesterday.

Drove McKenna back earlier, and got back not too long ago.  On my agenda for today is grading the rest of the Monday class' essays, read the book I was supposed to have read for last week, and maybe write another reaction paper for World.  I don't know if I'm going to get all of that done, and I'm sure I am missing something important on that list, but I'll think of it later.


I've been sleeping with Dewott instead of Wolfy lately.  Doing that on purpose.

Man I am awkward as fuck.  hdjskhdskj

Why am I so bad at this aha.

Gross

Because I'm SUPER HARDCORE (aka: kind of a moron), I decided to have drinks last night despite the fact I've been medicating myself heavily for the past week.  I rationalized that it was only Advil and stuff and that I would be fine.  So I went out and limited myself to two drinks, thinking that wasn't going to kill me.

Well...I was right about it not killing me but I woke up at 4:30 in the morning and quickly ran to the bathroom to throw up all the contents I consumed that evening.  It was kind of disgusting.  I assume that it was because of the combinations of meds plus alcohol.  I could be wrong, but it makes sense.

Sad thing is that I want to go out tonight also and still have drinks.  Allie does not learn.  Or she just enjoys drinking a little too much.

Speaking of, McKenna is visiting this weekend!  She's here right now, still kind of sleeping and stuff.  I have plans to take her to Lost Dog Cafe for lunch, and then we'll see Wreck-It-Ralph.  I'm not entirely sure what we'll do after that, but we'll figure it out.

The guy is in a play that the town is doing - A Christmas Carol, stereotypically yet wonderfully - and I want to go see him.  I'll have to ask when the showtimes are this week!

Somehow, I was able to write an entire response paper somewhat quickly yesterday for my IR class.  I think it was because it was one of those rare times when I had a response in my head while I was reading the book, and did not need to spend hours trying to come up with an idea.  Now I just need to write one more for that, and one more for Comparative, and the small assignments for the year will be finished.  Which means I could then focus on the big stuff.  The final papers and everything.

I really can't wait until the end of the semester.  I just want a month to relax, and have nothing to do.