Instead of doing my work I am reading the YuGiOh wiki and debating watching the Memory World arc because I never actually have watched that season.  Which is terrible, considering Bakura is my favourite character.

Also I should get Dynasty Warriors 8, because it is apparently awesome and I need a good hack and slash game to get my frustrations out at times.  Plus it is just mindless fun and who can say no to that, seriously.

No motivation.  Just wanna roll around and stay in this comfy corner on the couch.

This class has been abysmal.  I love when one of my peers just basically argues nuance and definitions and shit that doesn't really matter for over 20 minutes (it felt like) and that kills any conversation or any desire for a conversation among everyone in the room.  I mean, I know we're talking about human rights this week, which is an ambiguous and incredibly broad topic, but jeez...at least recognize when your points are fucking bullshit and move the hell on.

At least I've been able to make some cool jokes.  And talk with my prof about doggie food and stuff, effectively cutting away some more class time.  Woo.

I've returned to a feeling of apathy, where I just feel as though I am suffocating and I won't be able to get out of the trap I've encased myself in.  And that feeling has demotivated me incredibly.  At least Nancy told me repeatedly that my focus should be on what I need and want to do, and that my professors and their desires are fleeting and do not need to stay in my mind as much as they currently do.  Though that is really difficult, and trying to sort out things that are good for me vs. things that I just want to do because others want me to do them is incredibly difficult.  For my life, I pretty much took those things as equivalent; things that I wanted were not good if other people wanted me to do something else.  That has been my worldview for much of my life, stemming probably from my perfectionism and my own self-hatred.

I'm just worried that even if I spit out an absolutely perfect paper, this prof will not be happy with it.  Which I don't like to think about.  Because of my desire to appease, I guess.  But I need to recognize that I can't (and shouldn't) please anyone.  It is just difficult, I guess.  Really fucking difficult.


We had a meeting that I forgot about this morning, so one of the roommates knocked on my door at 9:15 to remind me.  I was still sleeping, and apparently did not respond very well.  Basically, I was told that I groaned and rolled over and grabbed/hugged one of my squishables.  And then groaned again and refused to acknowledge or respond to him at all.

This morning was very fuzzy.  And I was very unhappy to be woken up that way, apparently.

My session today included me being sad/annoyed about ex-thoughts and ex-related dreams, being stressed about all the work I need to complete before the end of the semester and the subsequent bullshit I have been dealing with from one of the professors, and being anxious and lonely and stuff and worrying about where and when I could make new friends and all.

Really, I have this weird thing: I constantly wish I had more friends here outside of my department, to get away from school and work and stuff...yet the idea of going out and meeting people is not something I particularly want to do.  It is too much effort, and I know that I won't be able to put the time in to cultivating a new friendship either.  Really, I start and then stop communicating, because that is how I am and the idea of putting an effort into a friendship is just...a lot of work.  A lot of work and since I am cynical and have been continually disappointed, I just assume that whomever I try to befriend or whatever with will just betray me in the end or something.  Probably not a very good assumption, but it is where my mind runs to first.

...Sleepy.

Was going to write more, but I got distracted by some drama unfolding on tumblr.  I'm not even in this fandom, but what is going down is fucking popcorn-worthy.

The fact that I still sometimes find videos of ex's tournament matches and watch them and shit is disgusting and pathetic to me.

Also I am in this weird sad mood and I guess feels like that trigger those behaviours which makes me sadder and we have come full circle.  I am a mess and sleepy and stuff.

My ability to bullshit or at least come off as somewhat coherent and competent despite not knowing at all what I'm doing has reached new levels.  My presentation today was actually decent, despite coming up with the idea for it at one in the morning and then writing up the powerpoint today during the 501 lecture.  Honestly, I really didn't think what I had made any sense, but my prof apparently really liked something in particular especially, and so now I'll angle my paper in that direction (which was actually the direction I originally was thinking of taking the paper but was afraid it would be too IR for her).  She also said that what I am looking at does not have a lot of existing work and there is a big hole in that part of the literature and that if I wanted to do more with this later on it would probably be really good since no one else really has done it.  

I did also appreciate, actually, that after I said how my presentation was going to be informal and stuff and came across like I just really did not think I was going to do well, she told me that I gave a formal presentation that was conference-worthy, and basically that she didn't understand why I thought differently.  And then friends told me that I sell myself short too much and I often think that I don't think things through a lot and don't realize that I do a lot of work and have good ideas and stuff.  And that I apologize for a lot of things I do not need to apologize for, which is just kind of a habit because I always feel as though I am bothering people and stuff.

It was also nice that the 501 prof, when we were walking back from class also said she thinks I am coming up with really interesting ideas.  That yeah, it kind of sucks that I'm having trouble finding some data and stuff, but that it is good that I'm still coming up with interesting questions and venturing into those areas despite a lack of existing literature.

Apparently, I am good at picking topics like that.  Which is, while interesting, incredibly difficult and frustrating for me.

But yeah, I was also told that just because I didn't spend as many days on something doesn't mean I didn't work hard and don't know what I'm talking about.  It seems as though to others I can do the same work in a week that other people do in months, and that is weird to me, I guess.  I always just felt like I put in less work and stuff, or something.  I don't know.

After classes I did something with some data and then just hung out because I am a loser and everything.  I should sleep.  I am tired and need to get up early for meeting and shower and stuff.

Wow I suck.  I can't even think of a fucking topic for the paper for this class and it is pathetic.  I know my prof was trying to steer me toward foreign policy stuff since, well...that has been my area of choice lately.  But I favour U.S. foreign policy and since I'm not allowed to do that (class being a comparative one and all), I have yet to figure out what I would want to do in a comparative sense.  All I'm thinking about is something about issue ownership of cleavages but I know she really was trying to steer me away because I think she is aware of my current topic area.

Bah.  Why can't this be fucking simple.

I was thinking about an idea of whether or not party matters in terms of fear of leadership turnover and shit but I think that might be too IR-heavy for this class.  I don't know, really.

Man, I am fucking atrocious at everything.

My time down in PA was unfortunately short but I knew I had to return in order to get some work done.  Really, I need to figure out a topic for my political parties paper tonight, given that I have a presentation tomorrow morning and I am going first for the group tomorrow.  Yay.

But it was much fun and I thoroughly enjoyed, though it made me sad for reasons I said in previous entry and...I don't know.  Just looking back on my time with them and my time with ex when it was good made me think that my life just isn't going to get better since it has all gone downhill and I am just melancholy or uninterested most of the time I'm awake and stuff.

Bah, I don't know.  I always have this post-fun sadness with the same sort of shit playing throughout my mind.  I shouldn't be surprised at all by it or anything.

Also despite knowing that I'm over the whole thing with former friend-guy (or at least telling myself that), I still get sad when I see stupid cute shit between him and his girlfriend on facebook, which I now will be subjected to because I decided to be friends with him again on there.  Don't ask me why.  Maybe it is just because I decided to remain friends with him in real life.  Mostly because a) he is stupid nice to me most of the time; b) it is hard to stay away from him due to small department and all; and c) because I am moronic, I guess.

Ex has been on the mind, which is likewise annoying as hell.

Two dreams about the ex = annoying at shit, especially when they are about us getting back together and all that nonsense.

First one involved us watching some sort of assembly meeting...it might have been the House of Commons or the like.  We were in the balcony by ourselves, and just started talking and crying about how we missed each other and everything.  Reconciliations happened, and cute shit occurred and it was pleasant in the dream but very unpleasant to wake up to.  Though also in the same dream I later saw him about to kiss one of his exes on a bench after we decided to try again and I put myself between them and angrily told him that we needed to talk and dragged him away and everything.  So I guess part of my subconscious realized that the reconciliation was a bunch of nonsense.

I woke up randomly because of that, I suppose, but soon fell back asleep, only to have another dream with him involved.  It was weird too...we were on this ride thing that involved wind turbines and spiraling through this halfpipe-like course and I can't really describe it because I'm pretty sure nothing like it exists in real life.  But we met up with each other while on the ride and then rode together and got all gross and happy and stuff and waking up to that was likewise very poopy for me.


Party starts at 1:30 so hopefully I can forget about this ex stuff and just have fun.  Unfortunately I also need to be thinking about certain work-related things in the meantime since I'm supposed to present a paper idea in class tomorrow, which would be easy if I knew what I wanted to do.  Yay.

My time with undergrad friends has been quite wonderful and I forgot how much I enjoy some of these strange antics and stories that go on and everything.  It is kind of delightful.  On one hand though, it makes me a little sad, because it is just something that has passed, and even though I have friends I love as a grad, I guess it is a world that I know is probably disappearing and I don't really want it to.  Especially given I did not utilize my own senior year very well due to various reasons, so thinking that just makes it worse because I'll never exactly get that time back.

And I re-met someone I forgot about, who is now a senior: he was someone I played Brawl with a lot in lower Wismer and he said that he was always sweating and stuff when he played me because I was apparently very good with Marth and won a lot and all.  Unfortunately, however, ex was brought up at that point, and because he remembered ex how he was and how good he was at that game, I guess some hero-worship started happening and that made me kind of mad and sad at the same time.  I started kind of shooting things down while simultaneously remembering how much fun I would have doing things like that with ex and how fucking cutesy we would be and stuff and I just kept asking myself how the shit did everything happen and that made me sad and angry and I tried to hide it as much as possible.

Again, it was mentioned that the person ex was suddenly disappeared and I joked (/was semi-serious, I guess...or the joke hides a serious concern or something) that aliens just abducted the person I loved and liked to hang out with, who was fun, cute, funny, caring, kind, and all that, and replaced him with an identical clone who was just a giant selfish douchebag and that I would absolutely love if the prior version returned because I would love to hang out with him again (specifically I said date but whatevs, I guess).  And it isn't like the former version couldn't have his own issues and have sad feels and stuff.  It is just he wasn't as terrible about things, I suppose.

Also I am starting to think my hating on the ex's frat is starting to get annoying to people and I am sorry about that.  My bitterness just shines through when I am on campus, I guess.  Despite, you know, that I have this weird love-hate thing towards them that I can't really describe.  Like...when I'm there I want to go to that house and everything but also just hate on things when I'm there.  It's weird.

Anyway, yeah.  It has been good yet still kind of sad in my own way because I overthink everything in my life.  We did get to diner and watch Frozen in Olin Auditorium and walk around and we nommed DQ and Callie got lots of attention and it really was just a good day overall.

I did try to do some work but am still having a lot of issues finding data so that is annoying and shit.

Tomorrow is the actual party which should be good, though I probably won't be able to stay for long, unfortunately.  Gotta get back to Bing and prepare shit for Monday, unfortunately.  Sob.

Reunion

I have reunited with college roommate (and another undergrad friend) and it is wonderful and perfect and she is not allowed to leave murrica anytime soon, seriously. We need to catch up more and stuff.

Presentation went well, despite getting a lot of skeptics who seemed weary due to the lack of available information. But I have so many people I respect who like the idea, and I'm sure if I added in some other controls for some things they were talking about, then it would help.

I'll write more another time. I am crazy sleepy.

Also college roommate and her parents and friend all love Callie. Yay!

MY SHIT SO FAR HAS SIGNIFICANT RESULTS SO YOU CAN SUCK IT FOR THINKING I WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO DO THIS, PROF.

Seriously, I am just kind of astonished that I have results that actually look awesome for what I want, and while they are preliminary and I might need to change my model from OLS to something more of a time-series, I still have credible results that show that I can go somewhere with this.

Roommate agrees that this professor seems to have some grudge against me, so I'm awaiting the potential backlash against this, even though I don't think he realizes exactly how much work I have put into this over the past few days.  When I focus I actually can work relatively quickly.  It is getting the focus which has been difficult for me in the past few years.  I do not need three months to do something.  Seriously.  But he has just been going against every single idea I have and what I have wanted to do and it passed from discouraging to angering and insulting.  But here I have something to go on and I'm not fucking insane and this can actually be a good idea because no one fucking looks at this shit.

So fuck not doing it because you basically don't like me.  Everyone else I have talked to about it is really into this idea and this theory and thinks it is an interesting way to go.

Also I love that this is about a court and yet I was told it was not really about courts but it enough about 'law' to make it acceptable for class.  When I told roommate this, he looked at me and straight up said that his paper is about trade and repression, and he didn't get that line.  So yeah, I think this is just a grudge thing.  Which is annoying, because I think it is my prof being pissed that I haven't given him a draft yet, despite that I specifically told him on the very first day of class that due to my depression I probably would need some extra time on things.  He said that was completely okay, so it is doubly fucking irritating that now it seems like such a big fucking deal.  Part of me has been thinking about asking the chair (whom I am getting close to since he is the foreign policy guy) about advice on how to deal with this, but I don't know.  Bah.

I should finish up this powerpoint, which is on this paper and basically asking for advice and stuff.  It is for my workshop presentation tomorrow, which, hilariously, my prof for this class also said he "wouldn't do."  Despite my feeling discouraged from doing that, I ended up saying 'fuck it' after talking with roommates, and I keep repeating in my head things that Nancy always tells me: that just because some of the profs do and did things one way doesn't mean I need to follow their path.  Instead, I need to forge my own road and find out what is best for me.

And you know what?  This idea is way better than my last one, and I am way happier with it at the moment.

So my judicial politics prof apparently thinks that my new topic is "a very large switch" into an area that I have little prior knowledge about, and thinks that I therefore should not do it.  However, me being me, while this is discouraging, it makes me just want to do it even more, just to prove him wrong and to do something that not many people have done.

And of course, he did also remind me that it is very late in the semester and I have "very little done" on my paper and that he can only do so much in terms of extensions otherwise I'll have to take an incomplete and I am kind of aggravated that he felt the need to remind me of that even though in the beginning of the year I asked if this would be okay and he said fine and it just felt like an unnecessary comment and it is really kind of upsetting.  Part of me wants to say something to him and another part of me wants to run up to Nancy and ask her what I should do because things like this just make me feel worse and discourage me and make me think that this really is not what I should be doing with my life and if that is the case I ought to just quit and then disappear because it means I have failed.

If it comes down to me taking an incomplete you can bet your fucking ass that I will be asking for some sort of note from the counseling center and ask them to help me as much as possible because this whole acceptance and ignorance of depression and anxiety stuff in academia is a bunch of bullshit.  I'm trying to pull through, I really am.  It is just fucking hard, and I'm sorry that I'm not able to do it like I once was able to.


...Maybe tomorrow instead of my filibuster paper I'll go through this idea for my workshop instead.  Then I can get other people's feedbacks before I start it officially, or something.


I might run up and see if Nancy is free at all.

Even though I actually spent tonight doing a fuck ton of work in terms of research and trying to find data and beginning to compile that after pretty much coming up with a new question for my judicial politics paper...I feel as though I have not done anything of value tonight.  Which makes zero sense, really.  But I look over at my roommates; one already has his draft in and back with comments, and the other has thirty pages written and keeps talking about how he has so much more to do and everything and here I am sitting with no pages written and a new dependent variable and a new court I want to look at and it is...discouraging.  I know I should feel guilty, and I guess I do on some level.  Because I keep saying how much I don't care that this stuff isn't done, but...that kind of isn't the right way to put it.  I mean...I don't feel as though I care, even though I know I do.  Deep down, I know I care about getting things done and the fact that I have dropped the ball this semester in terms of handing things on time.

However, I do not have the capacity to do a lot of things, still.  I do not have the capacity to sit down most days and do what my roommates appear perfectly capable of doing.  The motivation and creativity and focus I need in order to work through these ideas are missing, and my trying to explain that makes it come across as though I just don't care, so that is just what I say.  Because I was able to do stuff, in the past.  Truthfully, I don't understand why I can't do the same right now.  That despite all my anxiety and sadness and the like, I was always able to sit down and do shit when it needed to be done.  Now I just stare at things and once in a while find a burst of energy that allows me to focus for a few hours.  But then it disappears quickly.

Really, trying to explain this sort of thing to anyone is incredibly difficult, since most don't understand (or make the attempt to) this sort of feeling.

And then I think about the fact that I am sacrificing this weekend to spend time with college roommate and while I know that is what I need and what I want, I still feel guilty and anxious about losing that work time.  Mostly because everyone likes to remind us that we shouldn't do anything other than work all the time and if we take time for ourselves we are terrible, terrible people.

Elsa has been in my lap hanging with me/napping on me since I came home a few hours ago.  She is so fucking cute and I cannot.  She likes to sleep in between my legs under my laptop.  

Been trying to find data for my judicial politics paper and in my searching I may have found a spin-off question from my main idea and I kind of like it better because it also kind of has to do with covert actions/sneaky shit on the part of the executive and everything.  But the court I would be looking at is super secretive and so it has been hard trying to find data for it.  And then I'd need to go back to my prof and ask if it is okay and all that I'd be...sort of switching focus.  

First I need to see if I can even find any data.

For some reason, I am so unbelievably tired despite getting enough sleep, going for a walk, and showering.  I still feel as though I could pass out at any moment and not wake up for another few hours, which is really annoying, actually.

I ought to do some sort of work today, since I didn't really do anything yesterday or anything.

Thinking about switching Callie's food again, even though the last time I did that I was met with bad consequences via her skin breaking out and everything.  However, I was looking at this brand that is supposed to be excellent and is made completely in the US with US ingredients.  She has been a bit lethargic lately and hasn't been eating her food a lot (though I suppose that has always been the case, really), but I have been wondering again if I higher quality food would be better for her.  (Unfortunately that does also mean more money spent on her food and less places to buy it but that is okay.  They do sell it on Amazon discounted.)

Really, I should wait until I see the vet next week, but I still am curious about it.  Maybe I'll just buy a 5 pound bag or something and mix it with her other food and see how that goes, or something.

...I should not be laying in bed because I really will fall asleep.

Oh, and I am getting a new phone, which is great because mine once again froze on me and I woke up later than I wanted to.  Getting the HTC One (M8), so I'm pretty stoked.

Session today was good, and gave me a lot to think about.

I went into how I keep having these thoughts about the ex and everything, and how every time I plan a trip to PA, I get really anxious about the possibility of running into him.  And when I do that, I start thinking about possible things to say to him and possible scenarios and how I should react and how he might react and stuff.  Really, a lot of what I think about are things that will never ever actually happen.  But I was asked whether or not I actually want to have a face-to-face confrontation, and I was hesitant.  On one hand, yes, I do want to have that, despite that I know I have said things I want to say, and everything new is really just delineations of what I've already said.  But for some reason, part of me still wants to see his reaction to me and my own reaction to him and think about what I would say and all.  Then again, I don't want to see him, because I know how any sort of conversation went in the past with the two of us, and despite the knowledge I now have...I wouldn't be surprised if I fell into the same type of traps.

Really, I just mentioned that I still feel as though the story isn't over...like there is unfinished business, and I haven't been able to shake that feeling despite our email chain.

Maybe I'm just being stupid.  I'm probably just being stupid.

Often I go through conversations in my head before actually having them.  I've also been thinking about trying to better explain things to my parents.  Because even when I try to bring up the subject, things are downplayed, or equated to something else, and sometimes people like to think about my younger self, as if I did not have these problems back then.  Really, they did exist, I just covered them up better, and Nancy reminded me that youth is not equal to adulthood; in the past I was more impulsive as a way to cover up my insecurities and everything.  But still...I don't like to be reminded of how I used to act, because it shows that I was at least better when I was younger.  Or something.  I don't know.

Also, I went into how much I overvalue the approval of other people.  That even when I think I am doing something right, if it is questioned, I definitely start questioning myself as well.  Basically, Nancy pointed out that this pretty much is me not trusting myself.  That criticism makes me second-guess myself and makes me beat myself up.  And when I thought of it that way, it really does make sense.  I don't trust my own judgment, especially when it comes to people.  Once upon a time, I thought I had a good sense of others, but in reality I never did.  People I thought would stay did not.  People I thought truthful were liars.  I put more faith in so many people than they deserved.

And so...no.  I do not trust myself.  At all.  

One of the few good things about being back in Binghamton is my bed.  Holy fuck it is comfy and so much better than my bed at my parents' house.  And my duvet just enhances it even more and it is fantastic.

I do think that Callie is sad though; after the initial burst of excitement from seeing everyone, she then became very lethargic and kept looking all depressed and just wasn't really herself.  I think she just misses my parents and Jack and my sisters and the backyard and all that fun stuff.


Really, I was thinking about some shit before while walking Callie, none of which were very good.  About how I am probably nothing but a huge burden to most of my friends, and how none of them really would be too broken up if I were gone.  I don't blame them if that fear is actually true.  Like I said in a recent precious post, I do not exactly put effort into my friendships.  And not because of any of my friends, really.  It is just a cultivation of my own insecurities and depression and a fear of being too close to anyone.

Then again, when I do not see people for a long time, I get very excited when I see them and then I realize I just word vomit all the time to them and it is probably annoying as fuck.

And, continuing my trend of ex-related shit, I realized (or really acknowledged, I suppose) that there is a certain line in a certain Streetlight song that really sits with me:

The saddest day I came across was when I learned that life goes on without me.

In that song, I identify more with Annie than Tomas, and sometimes it is hard to really listen to his words.

CATBUG

Came home to this guy and eeeeeee catbug. 

Also to kitty sitting on laptop and it was cute and shit.

(also Imma post this fucking everywhere BECAUSE I AM THAT EXCITED.)

Ugh I need to go back to Binghamton today and that probably is the very last thing that I want to do.  Especially since it means I really can't continue to ignore all the shit I need to do and I know I'm going to have a fuck ton of first years who need my help with their papers and stuff.  Plus I've yet to grade a bunch of shit of theirs and everything on top of that.  Joy.

At least when I get back my squishable catbug will be there and that is pretty sweet.

Video Blog 5

Oh look, another video where Allie just hates on herself because she is in that kind of mood today!  These don't ever get annoying or repetitive ever! 

I don't know what is going on with me today, because I am extremely sad and lethargic for no fucking reason.  Though I suppose that really isn't too different from many other days, but maybe it is just because after having a great time last night I've returned to...everything else, and I keep staring at my inbox and the list of all the shit I have yet to do.

Before, I found myself daydreaming about just taking all my money out of my accounts and going somewhere.  I don't know where.  But somewhere.  And running away from everything and everyone.  And while I really would not want to do that to my parents, I just feel like I don't deserve their support or anything lately.  They have done so much for me in my college and graduate career and here I am debating whether or not this is actually what I want anymore and I am floundering under pressure and I have become a person they probably do not recognize and so probably wouldn't mind all that much if I just disappeared.

I don't put any effort into any of my relationships anymore, including with my parents, I'm starting to realize.

And another daydream popped into my head again but that one always accompanies the 'running away from everything' one and it...should be scary to me that it has become so normalized that I barely care about the fact that it is always around.  But it isn't scary to me.  Really, it is once again my constant apathy towards my own health and everything.

What is going on today.  Did my brain decide that I had a deficit of bad feels last night so it had to slam me with extra today?  Seriously.

Okay, so more concert details:

Because I nommed prime rib with my family, we ended up not actually on the road (after gas and going to friend's house to pick him up) until around 7:45, which was okay by me.  By the time we got there I did have to search for parking, and the only place I found was a valet-type garage and my god I am dumb when it comes to things like that.  I just don't know how to function and don't know what people want me to do and I'm very derpy about it.

Anyway, by the time we got inside it had to be a little after 9, which meant the first pre-band was up still and everything.  I was a bit nervous because the acoustics in the place sounded weird and all the instruments had their volumes cranked up so high that I could not hear the vocals pretty much at all.  When the second pre-band came on, it was even worse (also the singer's obvious drunkenness made me wonder if and when he would fall over and I kind of kept hoping for it because it would have been funny to me because I am mean like that).  So I was really nervous and everything about not being able to hear Jack or Sandra and I was praying that they would fix it.

Of course, they did, because they are fantastic.  They opened up - as usual - with Tats and it was - also as usual - brilliant.  This show was more comedic than usual too (though they are always funny and fun).  At one point Jack's shoe became untied and then Peter kept telling jokes and it was just a lot of fun.  I wish Rebecca was there but I guess she had some other obligation, so...sadface.

As always, I stood in the front and didn't regret a second of it.  Jack sang with me and held the back of my head at one point and I will pretty much always love interacting with him and the rest of the front crowd people.  We are starting to recognize each other, actually, and it is kind of fantastic.  I told one regular I always see that I would see her at the next show and she smiled and said definitely and she's always so much fun.

We got them to do two encores for us, the second of which they extended quite a bit.  And we did the waltz to Heart Attack '64 and that is always great because waltzing and moshing at the same time is crazy.  They ended everything with Zen and I was super super super fucking happy about that because that song is definitely one of my favourites.

At the end I had glitter all over me and beer was spilled and I was gross but it was worth it and awesome.  Plus, I was given the last set list when I asked for it and I am going to try and just keep getting set lists because they are wonderful souvenirs and everything.

So so so glad I went.

Oh, and my bruises got worse and I might post another picture of them later because they are fab.

Once again, World/Inferno...you threw just the best party.  (Shown even further by increasing the number of songs in both your encores. <3 )  Love you guys.

Also, got a set list and a new group of bruises.  Awesome on both accounts.

More details tomorrow.  (Oh, and friend had a great time so that is a huge awesome plus!)

World/Inferno tonightttttttt!!!!

Yes, I am stupidly excite now that I just bought the tickets like...an hour ago.

Friend from home is coming with.

I am going after prime rib is consumed with the family, so I probably will get there after the doors open but missing the preband is no big deal.

It will distract me from this dataset problem I am having and will let me forget for a few hours that I hate pretty much everything and distract myself from the anxiety I'm feeling about having to go back to school either tomorrow or Monday.

World/Inferno makes everything better always.

Topics

You know, self, I know some of these ideas for semester-end papers are appealing to you at the time you think of them, but you really ought to start thinking about what the data is going to consist of and everything, because having a dataset that starts out with over 12,000 observations and the cases you want to look at constitute maybe 100 or so of them, that might be problematic.  While having a smaller-n is closer to what you like, it is really weird, especially since you're skeptical about whether or not even these cases are what you're trying to capture.

But this is the Supreme Court database only...you might want to look at the Court of Appeals and the Federal District Courts for more observations.

Pick easier fucking topics.

But no.  You want to do things you can't find a lot on.  Which I guess is good in a scholarly way.  But it isn't so good when you find even writing a two-page response paper to be a daunting task and can't find the energy to research these things.

You have one more paper topic you need to think about.  Please make it bearable and doable.  Please.

I woke up around 6 or so and have struggled to fall back asleep since.  I did migrate to my parents' room because usually if I can't get to sleep in my room, I pass out in theirs.  But that was only semi-successful, really, so I'm super groggy and everything right now.  Which is really inconvenient, since I really do need to get a decent amount of work done today (so watching season 6 of Parks & Rec also probably isn't a good idea).  Especially since I still would like to go to the World/Inferno concert in Brooklyn tomorrow.  Though I might, if I go, get there later than when the doors open because my parents are making prime rib for me and my sister tomorrow.  (They were surprised when I said I wanted to go, because then I wouldn't be around for Easter dinner, which I assumed was on Sunday.)

So I would like to nom that delicious dinner with the fam and go to the concert.  All of this means I have even less time to do anything.  And while I still find that I really do not care all that much about...most things, I am at least at a point where I know these things can't be avoided.  I can't lay in bed and wish it all away, which is what I have been doing for a few weeks now.  As much as I still really really really want to fucking do that.

Really, I want to start my LP.  I did find a USB adapter for SNES controllers so hopefully that will work and I won't need to use my keyboard, which would be fantastic.

So today, hopefully I can work with some data for one of my papers and also finish my reaction paper or something.

Lives stolen

The last thing I should ever do, after signing a petition concerning the treatment of animals in a horrible kill shelter, is go look up the dogs and see their status, because it makes me unbelievably sad.  I see these happy faces, full of life, and in their description it says "to be destroyed" or something, as if they are inanimate objects and not wonderful living creatures with personalities and traits of their own.  And I hear about these shelters where terrible people run them, people who choose to kill these pups when there is no reason to (no lack of space or behavioural problems or anything), and I wish I could take all these dogs and save them myself.  Knowing that I cannot do that makes me further realize my own insignificance in the grand scheme of things.

Though at the same time, I look over at Callie and realize that I did at least save her (though she was in a much better shelter), and when I go there and the manager of my local shelter says that she is so lucky I found her and love her so much, it makes me at least a little happier.

Still though.  If I could save all these dogs, I would.  It just disheartens me.  Again, I just look at their pictures, and they look just so sweet, and then when I see a "was killed" or "was destroyed" it is really fucking upsetting and kind of makes me want to cry.  These happy smiling faces are no more, and in their last days probably did not have the warm loving touch of anyone, and left this world way before their time.

I loved you.  All you pups who were stolen from this earth.  I loved you, even though we did not meet.  And yes, I loved all of you.  The old as well as the young.  The sick and the healthy.  The aggressive and the scared and the shy and those who would have loved nothing more than to sit on someone's lap and have a family who spoiled them.  I loved you, all of you, and I am sorry that humanity can be so callous.  I know that your deaths are caused by terrible people and by our mistake of overbreeding and inbreeding your kind.  Of people who pass up you beauties because of your lack of pedigree or because of your breed's erroneous reputation or because of your age or your rambunctiousness.  

I loved you.

You were far too good for this cruel world.

As much as I really really really want to start Metroid and the LP (though I am thinking I'm going to get an adapter for a controller because when I say I royally suck using the keyboard, I mean I fucking suck using the keyboard), I know that I should try and start doing some work today.  I was able to take a few days off, and honestly, Thursday was the day in my head when I first came down that maybe I'd be able to start doing work-related things and whatnot.

I probably should make a list.

- Judicial Politics rough draft of paper
- IR extra research and stuff for paper
- Come up with an idea for Political Parties paper
- Prep Comparative workshop for 4/25
- Final reaction paper for IR

This list doesn't look long but it is fucking terrible, actually.  Sob.

Holy shit the first attempts at this whole LP thing are hilarious.  And by hilarious, I mean horrid.  Trying to figure out keyboard buttons.  I might need to get an adapter or something for a controller because this is way too difficult for me for some reason.  Sob.

Also Snes9x was being a bitch so I switched to ZSNES and it seems to be doing so much better so far.

AllieCat Plays Shit

So I started a Let's Play blog because I need something to do to distract my mind from my mundane reality that I normally despise and shit.  And to have a hobby that can be something I like and hopefully not be really stressful or anything.  I'll probably really suck at these and everything, but maybe my general shittiness can be enjoyable or something.

I think I'll probably dive into watching tv series and movies and listening to music and reviewing those/discussing theories but for now I want to focus on games.

These might be a good way to have something for myself that is just fun and everything and not for school or for Callie or for other people.

...Though I have skipped out on shit I've started before.  I wouldn't be surprised if I did so with this too for reasons.

Welp.   Hopefully it will be fun.  (Starting off with a blind runthrough of Super Metroid.  Probably the worst idea.)

Search

As I was walking Callie before, a guy pulled up to me and my sister (who had Jack), asking us if we knew anyone who had a gray pitbull with a white face.  We didn't, and he said that he had found her on his porch, and was keeping her in his yard for the time being in case anyone showed up looking for her.  So we went a particular route to make sure we were able to stop by this house and see this pup while on our way back (which was easy since he was on my block, actually).  When we got there, this cutie greeted us:

She was the sweetest fucking thing ever.  Holy hell all she wanted was to play and be petted and all that jazz.  Given that, and the fact that her coat and nails and teeth and everything were in really good shape, it was obvious that someone was missing this dog.  Callie and her played a little bit, while my sister snapped this photo and put it up on facebook to see if anyone knew who her family was.  And then, since she seemed incredibly high-strung and stressed, I offered to take her for a walk. 

I went back home first and put Callie back in my house and I asked my dad if he could come with me because maybe he knew someone (I am not sure why I thought that but I figured why not).  Of course, I was getting looks from both my parents, who I guess couldn't understand why I would offer to help so much and my mom pretty much just told me not to bring another dog (as if I was going to), and I just said that I wanted to help.  I can't imagine losing Callie so I can't imagine how terribly this family was missing her and was probably really worried and stuff.  Really, I just wanted this pup to find her home, and if I could help her in any way, then I wanted to do that.  Though despite knowing I was doing the right thing, the unwarranted judgment I received kind of made me feel oddly uncomfortable and like I was doing something wrong for some reason.  Though I guess that isn't all that odd...it isn't like this is the first time where I thought I was doing the right thing and someone else looked at me weird and I suddenly started questioning myself. 

Anyway, I went back with a leash and my dad was with me.  I took her and we all went for a stroll.  First, to the nearby Animal Hospital to see if they could figure out if she was microchipped or not.  Unfortunately, it was closed.  Then we walked around some more on streets that my dad knew was home to many dogs, but no one was out, really.  Finally, we took a turn on the street before mine, and soon spotted a family waving to us.  We were super happy, but not as much as the pup and they were, given that she started running towards them and one of the little girls ran to her and it was so fucking cute.  And it was awesome to see and I was really glad I was able to help reunite them and everything. 

Again, though, despite knowing this was the right thing to do in my mind and I really didn't want to do anything else, I kept fearing that I had annoyed my parents and everything, and that made me question everything.  Which was kind of upsetting, because I should not always seek approval from my family and friends when I am doing something I think is right.  But I guess that constant desire to please everyone over myself isn't something that goes away overnight.

Still.  Maybe someday I could actually do things for me and do things that I want, regardless of what others think.

Pregnancy Dream

So, a super disturbing dream happened and I'm not really okay with it.

I was first in Ireland, staying with my relatives, and my college roommate was with me.  I remember there being multiple toilets, but it looked like not all of them worked, so I needed to figure out which one to use but didn't actually do it.  Then, college roommate dragged me to a store, where she put me in the bathroom for a pregnancy test.  Originally, I scoffed, but when it turned up positive, I froze.  I exited and started panicking, telling her that I didn't know what I was going to do because I couldn't have a kid and how did this happen and all that stuff.  I came to a conclusion that abortion was the way to go, but I was even scared about that.

Fast forward: I was shopping in a mall with two of my aunts.  One was my aunt with depression, and another was my incredibly conservative aunt.  All of a sudden, an announcement came on saying that the Vans store was giving away free pairs of sneakers, so we rushed over there.  It was really crowded, and I still kept thinking about the pregnancy and stuff, and then I started talking to my aunt with depression first.  But then, something dragged her away, and my conservative aunt came over and pressured me into telling her what was wrong.  When I said I was pregnant she spun it as a good thing, but then I started hyperventilating, screaming again about how I couldn't have a child right now; I was in school and I had things to do and I was deathly afraid of what would happen to my body and my psyche.  She then kept telling me I could have it adopted but I yelled about how I couldn't deal with what would happen to me and that I didn't have nine months to sacrifice.  Continually, I mentioned abortion but she just kept telling me no, that I couldn't do that. My breathing got worse, and I remember feeling like I was choking on nothing, and I kept wheezing and it was overall just not very good at all.  Basically, panic attack.  I still decided I was going to get the abortion.

I remember something else happening but I don't specifically remember what it was.  

Laptop Repair

I've been spending the evening as tech service, fixing up my mother's laptop and everything.  She is not very well-versed when it comes to knowing what and what not to download, so it turns out she had some quite nasty malware/spyware on there.  My dad was having some trouble with it, it seemed, so I took over after he said Chrome all of a sudden disappeared and IE wasn't connecting to anything.  I may not know a lot about computers in terms of hardware or coding, but I usually am adequate at least about cleaning things up in terms of this kind of crap.

At least, I think so.  I'm sure a person better at this kind of thing will say otherwise, but I am adequate enough for what was needed, I guess.

I went in and tried to uninstall as many things as possible from the control panel, but these things can be irritating about that, so I went into the program files to manually start getting rid of things.  I got rid of as much as I could manually, and then started up IE without any add-ons, and then it seemed to work.  So the first thing I did was re-download Chrome, and from there, I installed Avast, since it was clear that whatever antivirus software my mom had (if any), it really wasn't doing the trick.  However, once I started it up and tried to use the browser cleanup with it, the computer crashed.

So then of course I had to wait for repairs to be made on the next startup.  When I was able to get back to the main screen, it appeared that Chrome and Avast had both disappeared, so I went and reinstalled those.  However, instead of doing the browser cleanup for IE (which I was doing mostly as a precaution because with Chrome being reinstalled there really is no need for IE at all), I downloaded a restart application from Microsoft's website.  After that ran and I restarted the computer (there were actually many restarts throughout this whole process), I let a scan run through Avast while I took the pups for a very rainy and cold walk.  When I returned, it was pretty much done, and had found I think 9 or so more issues that I missed, so I went to delete those.  I then restarted again and decided to run a fuller scan before Windows actually started up so that is what is happening right now.

I feel kind of techy.  And again, I'm aware all this is probably not really that impressive but it still is cool that I can do something like this for my parents and stuff.


In other words, Supernatural had me freaking out tonight, and I once again have no sense of time and I did nothing all day as a result.

Well I was thinking about possibly doing work today but if I do it is not going to be right now because I am tired and lazy and don't want to do it.  Really, I don't want to do anything, so I might just lay in bed and say I'm not feeling well because for some reason that makes it more acceptable to me.  Even though 'not feeling well' is really more of an emotional thing than a physical one because I suck.

Maybe I'll play Diablo or something.  Honestly right now even that seems like too much work to me.

I did go through Legend of Zelda: Four Swords, because when the anniversary edition was available for free on the eshop, I got it but never actually went through it.  And my apathy yesterday hit a point where I just didn't want to run upstairs to get my laptop or phone, and since my DS was next to me, I picked that up.  It was enjoyable.  I always suck at things based on time though because I like to go through every possible aspect of each level and that makes things go by a lot slower.

There are so many things I could and should be doing right now.


Also I feel like I've been eating so much this week and the fact that I'm telling myself I should stop doing that is most likely really problematic.

I often get into these modes where I just mindlessly stare at things and feel nothing and think nothing and it is as though I am wasting away and everything and my mind has gone blank.  I lose track of time and the sense of it; many times I will feel as though only 5 minutes has gone by and it has actually been an hour, and other times I'll think an hour has gone by and that is has actually not even close to that.

It is weird and discouraging how easily that can happen after a relatively good day.

CATWS

Saw Captain America with dad and sister and it was thoroughly enjoyable.  Which I found odd because while I enjoy the Captain, he usually doesn't enthrall me the way he did in this movie.  Plus there were some twists and shit that I liked and overall I'm really liking his story arc a lot.

I did watch wishing there was a major female superhero movie though (but I guess I always do that).  I've been waiting on a big Wonder Woman movie for years now, and although they have an actress and she has been signed and everything, I still refuse to get my hopes up about it happening until I actually see a trailer and release date.  And even then, I am skeptical about how good it will be, because Hollywood sucks with female characters for the most part.  Basically, I would only trust Joss Whedon to do it.

But it would be nice to have a major superhero on the big screen who wasn't a white, heterosexual, cisgendered dude.  It really really would.


[Edit] - Totally unrelated: the only reason I ever would want a super fancy camera would be to take really nice pictures of shelter dogs because high-quality photos increase chances for adoption and stuff.

Judgments

Today I pretty much did nothing except play D3 and hang with the pups.  I took them to the dog park and that was fun.  Though they weren't there for as long as I was expecting them to want to be there.  Ah well.  Tomorrow I would like to set up an agility course (homemade, of course) and go through some training things with Callie.  She actually has been so good.  Jack was digging up the backyard at one point and everyone was in the house, so she started barking at him.  My dad said that she was doing that as he was digging, I guess to either warn us or trying to tell him to stop or something.  Then, later on, when I was playing with Jack, she started barking like crazy, which was surprising to me.  I originally took this as jealousy, but in retrospect that didn't make much sense, considering when I play with Murray she doesn't have that reaction.  My dad then pointed out that when Jack plays, he often growls, and we think that is what she was unhappy with and barking at.  Which kind of makes way more sense.  My whole family did agree - after seeing her reaction when I go all 'dead-weight' and have my sister drag me around - that if I was seriously in trouble and that someone was seriously hurting me, she wouldn't hesitate to kill that person in order to protect me.

To which I was very "awww" in response.  She's a good pup.

Other than that I tried to not really think about my dream too too much, as I knew it was going to just upset me and everything.  Really, I wish the ex-related dreams would stop again.  I guess it makes sense; I just went back to UC and had more than a few discussions pertaining to him and the end of our relationship and the emails back and forth that happened for a while and everything.  But still.  It is rather annoying.

Actually, I was thinking about something for a little bit that caused me to be angry at myself.  I realize a defense mechanism I jump to is to try and find some fault with the person he is currently with.  I did it with now-friend who reached out to me because she is very brave and nice and I never deserved that from her, and I did it with the person after her.  And I kept doing so until now.  And even now, actually, I find that I'll say something not too nice about her as a way to dismiss her, which isn't very fair at all.  I never even met her, just like I never met now-friend, and it is a disgusting defense I put up and I hate it.  With now-friend it also was fueled by an intense desire to not be angry with ex, and so I transferred all my anger at him and turned it into some petty bullshit grudge against a person I had never met.  But it happened again later, though I suppose to a lesser degree, because I was more aware of his betrayals and the fact that despite all he told me and how he characterized me, I really didn't mean all that much to him anymore.  The fact that I didn't correct that the second time makes me angry at myself, because once again I jumped to a place where I was despising a person I hadn't even met.  I mean, truthfully, I did have some reason to dislike her, given things that I was told she did to him (and I had this weird mixed emotional response of being both joyous that she did these terrible things to him and demanded he give up things he loved and stuff...and also angry that she would demand something like that out of her partner, especially considering I never did and then I guess I was also mad at him because he was willing to give in to these demands from her but I, who never asked for anything like that, was crushed and stuff and etc., etc., I am rambling).  But still.  I never met her myself.

The bad thing is that I probably will do this in the future because it has become so ingrained in me.  Which is disappointing.  I am disappointed in myself.  Hopefully I will stop, or at least catch it earlier or something.

...I was having a good day.  I should stop thinking and just go to sleep, seriously.

Cousins

The cousins are reunited! They have been enjoying hanging out together. Well...more Callie than Jack I think aha. I think he is tsundere towards her a little bit. It is cute.

Ex-related dream post...go! 

Okay, so everything took place at this year's Otakon.  A few days before, I found a youtube account of his that was I guess special or something, because he had posted a lot of video blog type things and given that I am me, I went through and watched them.  Most were about fighting games and other stuff he liked.  But then I stumbled upon one that was describing I guess a cosplay that he wanted to do (which was weird to me considering he only did that with me), and it was this whole tribute sort of deal.  And a big thing to me happened in the beginning, where he wrote my name and said I was the first who helped him with a cosplay and whatnot, and there were other really nice things I guess.  But then it went on and showed his other romantic partners helping him with costumes, and the whole thing seemed really fucking weird.  

Of course, I became livid, and actually texted him, even though I knew I shouldn't do that.  I told him to take my name off the video and that he didn't deserve to even mention me or anything and I kind of went on and on and on. 

Then to try and cool off I went and played ping pong with people.  After, I met a guy who looked a lot like the ex but wasn't him, and then we started walking.  He said this was his first con and he didn't really know where to go.  And as I was saying that I would help and he could stick by me, I guess he saw someone more interesting or a friend or something, because without warning he just ran away and I was really confused and everything.  But I guess it was a metaphor or something like that.  I don't know. 

Other stuff happened, like trying to get badges even though we were already in the building, and more youtube-watching.  I specifically remembered the title of his page was 'Blorgh' which was fucking weird to me since it is my title here with one letter changed. 

I don't think he responded to my text, though I kept obsessively checking my phone and everything.  I think, honestly, I was more angry that other people were in that tribute video with me, or something, than I was about being in it in the first place.  I don't know.  It is hard to tell sometimes, especially in dreams I guess. 

Holy shit this is very frustrating though. 

I won't lie, it does get frustrating that even after a nice relaxing day I end up a little sad and kind of unable to fall asleep due to reasons.

Part of me thinks I should get back into something competitive, but at the same time I don't know if my psyche can handle losing enough to get to a level where I can be competitive.  I've always been the type who refused to do a lot of things unless I was good at them.  Which is why I never played a lot of video games in front of people.  RPGs I didn't mind so much, as long as people were not backseat gaming on me.  But I was always self-conscious about how I played, since frankly...I would say I'm okay at best for most of the things I play.  Let's be really honest.  Brawl was the only thing I got semi-good at, but when I saw what actual tournament people play like I kind of didn't really want to do that anymore.  I've been like that for a while...I wasn't like that as a kid, and then when I got older and people started commenting on my gender, things got...upsetting.  Any time I would play against a random guy and he lost, he would bemoan the fact that he lost to a chick.  And then when I lost, I would many times get the "ha, women can't play video games!"  Straight up - and I think I have told this story but I will do so again just because - the first time I ever played the Halo series was in high school.  Honestly, it might have been one of the first times I ever held an Xbox controller.  FPS was not my genre of choice, and so I couldn't adapt to it easily.  I was playing with friends; a guy who played it all the time, and two other girls who didn't play video games at all.  So while I was better than they were, I was still leagues behind my guy friend.  And at one point he said, "well guys are just better at video games than girls."  I looked at him, because although guys are usually the top players, they also have a better chance at becoming that, since they far outweigh women in competitive play, from my understanding.

But hearing that was disheartening to me as a gamer.  I became very "well if I'm not good then these guys will judge my entire gender to be bad at this and therefore I must be good if I ever want to play in public with people."

Which is why Brawl became my go-to game for when I was hanging out with people.  Because I thought I was decent.

And then I met the ex and that all kind of went downhill eventually.

But I guess that was everything with me and him.  I would start off okay, even though he was better than me, and then I would just get more and more discouraged.  Because it seemed like he was better at everything.  Video games, any kind of sports (one day we were playing racquetball and I sucked so hard that I left so he could play with his friend and I just cried...because I thought he would judge me and that I couldn't even compete against him in that and therefore I wasn't good enough and etc., etc.), any kind of mathematics problems.  Honestly, even when I read his fucking writing I thought it was better than mine.

Though this sort of progression isn't abnormal for me.  I guess it was just more intense because it was my partner and whatnot and I wanted to be fun enough for him, which in my mind, included being competitive enough in some of these areas.  Sincerely, I thought about playing fighting games but I knew I wouldn't ever be that good, and I also thought it would be me encroaching on his territory and everything.  Plus, like everything I try to become really good at...I knew I'd get bored.  I would get to a level that was decent, but would never try to get past the next threshold of being confident enough to compete in an actual tournament (not the ones at school because those were different), mostly because the game would lose my attention.

It was the same thing with sports.  During soccer season, once October hit I pretty much was done.  I still loved playing in games, but overall...going to practices and everything was just boring to me.  It was almost a nuisance at that point.  I think the only thing I didn't really get tired of was Mock Trial.  Really, that was my passion in high school.

Heh, honestly, I don't think I'd be able to do it now.  I'd have too much anxiety during the proceedings and everything.  How did this happen to me?  Like I've said in a previous entry, if I had the chance to apologize to my younger self for what I have become, I would.  Instead of dreaming big about the future, I often wonder if I will be able to find strength to make it to the future, and if so, what that shit is going to do to me.  Really, I am far more pessimistic about my future than I was in high school.

...How did I get on this.  Seriously.

And then when I see my older sisters being all cutesy with their husbands I waver between just not wanting to see that and also being really fucking jealous.  Then of course I just think that I really would like a punk dude who loved animals and cute things and playing games and cuddling and calming me down when I'm freaking out over grad school and being supportive and cuddling when I am sad and wanting to watch movies and cook things together and dance in the hallway for no reason whatsoever and have deep conversations with and all that stupid fucking shit.

Then of course, I laugh, because that guy in my mind would never want to deal with the emotional baggage that comes with me wherever I go.

...Seriously why can't I be happy with one-night stands.  Why.  I am so fucking jealous of people for whom that is satisfying.

So today has been nice and relaxing and even my parents said that I looked much better when I woke up this morning and that was actually true.  It probably is because I am home and away from Binghamton and now all my sisters are here and my nephew-doggie is here too and he and Callie are cuties and everything.  

Today has just been filled with chatter and doggies and fun stuff.  I did try and further explain my apathy and when it was taken as laziness I quickly tried to correct that mischaracterization.  I also, in a very informal way, mentioned new medication and the fact that now I really couldn't drink because the new one lowers your seizure threshold and that combining that was alcohol is apparently dangerous, according to doctor. 

Eventually, I will look at work.  But today is not that day.  Tomorrow probably won't be that day either.  I don't know when it will be.  I know I should get things done, but I also have Nancy's voice in the back of my head saying that I need to do things for me, so I'm thinking about that too.  While I need to do things, I also know that feeling like I constantly needed to finish things and being in Binghamton and getting no to little recognition for thing I have done and getting brushed off constantly...all these and more have contributed to this crash and my lack of production.  So a break from thinking about all of that is probably best for me, truthfully. 

I know there are a good chunk of Ursinus people - past and present - who are on tumblr and I'm always tempted to follow them and be all "HI I TOO AM FROM UC" but I know that would be weird as shit and everything.  Plus it would imply that I am more active on my tumblr than I honestly am.  I just like reblogging stupid shit.

Really, I should sleep but I kind of don't want to yet.

And I keep thinking about the past today for some reason and I don't know why.  I'm not necessarily sad.  It is just that 'meh' emotionless thing again.  I just keep thinking about questions and having this idea in my head that if I can't move past this thing entirely then what does it say about me and any future entanglements I might have?  If any?  As I've said, I really haven't had any real romantic connections (except maybe with friend-guy?  But that has become more of an emotional one, I suppose) since, and even those friendship connections have been few and far between.

I know I overthink these things and everyone tells me things will get better and this will happen and that will happen and all that but I just kind of feel stuck.  Of course, school does not help with that at all.  So I really am hoping this time away from Binghamton will be good to and for me.

Plus, when I get back, I'll go see college roommate the weekend after!  The reunion shall be glorious.

I got back to the Island a few hours ago.  Unfortunately I got into some rush hour traffic and then I also realized more than half-way through that I forgot Callie's noms, so I had to run to Target before coming home (otherwise I definitely knew that I was not going to go out again).  

It is always a bit awkward when I explain how little I have been caring to my parents.  Because the response is usually a chuckle and a "it isn't like you to slack off so much."  And I know that it is the perception and that nothing is really meant by it, and honestly it is my own fault for not communicating the extent of my issues to my parents simply because I do not want to worry them.  And also because I don't really think they understand.  That is why it was so easy to talk to my aunt, I suppose.  Everything I said she was able to get and relate to and that really helped, since I didn't have to try and explain things to people who don't really understand this kind of thought pattern. 

I did lightheartedly say that I just had no motivation, and my mom replied that she thought that was because I was burnt out, and I agreed, though even that I don't think completely covers it.  I know I have discussed this in the past, but it is more that I am incapable lately of finding any motivation.  That there is really not an ounce of creativity in me and I don't know what to do.  So doing nothing is the only thing I can do lately. 

Alright, 2 of 3 sisters here.  Third gets here tomorrow. Yayyyy.

Right now if I could have any magical power it would be the ability to pack things without getting up.  I could just point clothes toward a suitcase and then that suitcase to the car and everything would be packed.  And then teleportation, so I wouldn't need to actually drive.  Even though sometimes the drives are fun, actually.

Also I just saw people all butthurt over Frozen comparisons to others and it was hilarious yet kind of sad (in a 'holy hell you guys are pathetic' sort of way).  Not to mention everything they were saying didn't make any sense whatsoever.


Going to head out to the Island hopefully in about an hour to an hour and a half or something like that.  All sisters are gonna be there so wheeeee that is exciting.


...I think one of my tank tops is in Callie's crate.  Wat.  Callie, give that back.


I'm feeling pretty okay right now but I'm also kind of having some ex-related thoughts and I'm not sure why.  I'll just keep blaming it on that dream I had a few days ago.

"But mom, if the new thing is allowed up here, I can be too right?  I can do anything!"

"Where'd she gooooo?  I just wanted to sniff you and drool all over you!"

She's ridiculous. 

Also I hope no one minds all these pictures aha I just can't with these weirdos. 

Elsa

KITTY BUTT.

Oh Elsa butt, you so cute.

I took her down to take pictures.  Sorry.

She really is a cutie.

And she uses me as a way to get on top of the couch easier. 

Sleepy kitty is sleepy.

Yeah I just wanted to show more pictures of Elsa being cute and shiz.  She's actually really tolerant of the pups, even if they (mostly Callie, really) can be more than a little overwhelming and stuff. 

Also SPRING BREAK holy fuck I can't believe it.  Thank god.  Time for Diablo.

I'm glad that when I have a point I want to make in this class, the guy next to me will be called on first even though I had my hand up way earlier.  And then, when I finally do get to talk, I get interrupted a second after I start speaking and then continually as I keep trying to explain my argument.

And then, whereas the guys in the class are allowed to go on for fucking ever about nothing sometimes, I am told that I need to "let [peer] respond," even before I was finished with what I wanted to say.

The guys do not receive this same treatment.

Cool subtle sexism, bro.

So instead of doing work I again found myself involved in a facebook battle over the rights of oppressed groups, though this time it was alongside roommate who was arguing against a homophobic shithead.  He let me argue some points under his name, since he said he was slightly intimidated at first due to knowing the guy and because they were in the same frat as undergrads and stuff.  So I went off on him.  Why is it that people seem to equate freedom of speech with freedom from criticism?   I don't understand that.  Intolerant people usually cry fowl when others call them out on their bullshit, saying things like "so much for tolerance" and crap like that.  But they fail to actually understand the point of the first amendment and I find that hilarious.

Of course, because the guy was rightly called an asshole, everyone focused on that and derailed the argument into a tone thing, to which this was the only appropriate response:

More things happened but I am tired so I won't elaborate too much.  Oh, and a really hilarious response was given about how the LGBTQ* community is militant and fascist and bullies and roommates and I all got a really good laugh about it.  And one of them said that we should thank them for "having more reasons to make fun of conservatives."

We are such leftist fascists, apparently.

I kept wanting to put more and more sarcastic responses but I know too many is overkill and also I tend to go overboard because I find it hilarious (almost as a coping mechanism, really).