I hate being at parties especially ones where I only know legit one person and that person is the host ahhhhhhhh

I guess talking to people about this blog has made me want to write in it again even though it has been once again a while and no matter how many times I say I'm going to use this again I...don't.  I ought to change that, as it was nice to have a place to vent and just talk about things, but maybe I got tired of repeating myself.  Plus I got more heavily involved in fandom spaces and that became my cathartic creative output.

However I do know ultimately that - as fun as writing garbage fanfiction is - it doesn't always get to the root of my issues and everything.

Sure, I have gotten to a point in my life where I am comfortable being single and even spend a good portion of my time alone, but I still have my own problems.  I've stalled on my dissertation because I've finally recognized that proceeding means that it will eventually be presentable and I don't want to present anything to people I don't trust ever again.  The incident where I broke down in front of the department while trying to present a piece had lodged itself so firmly in my memory that the idea of even putting myself in that situation again is enough to cause me to pause apparently.

I mean, Will has basically said that I wouldn't have to ever present to the department again if I don't want to, but...at the same time I know I ought to face those fears and actually do it.  Then again, general depression does just make it hard for me to do...much of anything, I suppose.  Even when I want to write fun fanfiction stuff it can sometimes be difficult.

In the past summers have been good to me in terms of getting things done, so I am hoping that I will be able to recreate such productivity again in the upcoming summer months.  Getting out of the house and going to other places to write will be a strategy; I'm even going to send Callie to my parents' to try and force myself to go somewhere for a few hours/an entire day without having to worry over her.  Hopefully I can get back the groove I had and get this thing underway.  Will thinks I can be on the job market in the fall.  I think that is wildly optimistic but...we'll see what happens.

My friend is still dealing with some stuff that is wildly reminiscent of my own past and I am trying to give him advice that I don't really think he will take and...it makes me a little sad, but I also know from experience that I can't force him to anything.  He needs to get there on his own, as I eventually did.  It took a while, but hopefully he will.

Though I do get a bit sad when he talks about being alone and how no one wants to stay with him and while I know he means it in a romantic sense...I am sitting right there and do care about him and it just reinforces this idea that romantic relationships are more important than others to...most people.  Which is...fine, I suppose.  Fine, but also sad, because who even knows what is in store for me romantically?  I've come to believe that maybe I'm on the aromantic spectrum of sorts...I dunno.  Sexuality is weird, and I have zero desire to put in the effort to maintain another romantic relationship.  I don't crave one either, honestly.  I just sometimes get sad because my friends become less friendly (in terms of hanging out and stuff I guess) once they find a romantic partner.

I'm just in a fog right now and I wish things were clearer to me.