I hate waking up super early, still being tired as fuck, and being unable to go back to sleep.

Seriously, I didn't go to bed until after 2 (too busy re-watching YGOTAS for fun), and then I woke up at...I think 6:30 or so.

And I've been struggling to get back to sleep since.  Which is frustrating because usually in the morning if I get up this early I can fall back asleep in less than 10 minutes.  So it taking this long is really annoying!

Don't remember any dreams though.


Maybe I'll keep trying.

I went to the scholarship award night for my sister and I kind of felt like I was going through the motions.  Like, I am happy for her and was genuinely happy but at the same time I was sort of zombie-ish.  I don't know.  I have been tired all day and then I had a conversation with guy that put me in a really sad/down mood and everything earlier.

Basically, he comes across as very egotistical.  And he knows this.  But I advised him (after he inquired about my opinion) that he might want to recognize the line between confidence and arrogance, because arrogance is greatly disliked, and those who are arrogant are the least liked in the department, and you don't want that.  You want friends and professors who will want to write papers with you and everything.

And I don't know why but this conversation made me think of stuff and made me sad.  He remarked that he was guessing that I "know too many jerks" and that I was concerned for him.  When I told him that I do know plenty of those, he recognized that I was thinking of someone personal rather than saying that generally.  I apologized if I was insinuating that he would be an arrogant asshole, since I could see with that and with other things I said that that could be inferred.  He then said, "I just think you got hurt by a jerk, and are scared of it happening again."

I kind of stared at that for a little without a response, because he was right.

And then I did what I do a lot of times when feels start showing up: I ran away.

I went and played Halo for a few hours.

Luckily, he understood.  And even sent a cute kitty picture, which I appreciated.


Still though.

I had a dream where the doggie shelter advised me not to get Callie and instead gave me another puppers.  Who was nice but somewhat aggressive towards everyone but me, but regardless I still did not feel connected with him, so I went back to the shelter and cried and told them I felt bad but I really wanted Callie and no one else.  And then they gave her to me.

But then it kind of got weird, and Callie turned into a human dude who was leading some sort of alien army against evil humans, and only I could stop him.  I was scaling buildings and stealthily running through castles and stuff and I think I was successful in the end, because he turned back into my girl puppers and we were happy and ran around all excitedly and it was fun.

I HAVE NO IDEA why are my dreams weird as shit sometimes.

Though I am impressed by this track record of dream-remembering.  It's been the past...four or five days where I've remembered my dreams.

And only one of them had the asshole ex in it!  Which is kind of amazing, because prior to this, I wanna say 95% of my remembered dreams involved him.  So.  Him not being in this string of them is really really really awesome and refreshing.

I know of course, this doesn't mean that he won't be in any more of them, but I guess my brain is being nice to me for once and allowing me to not see him during the night for these past few days.  Which I appreciate greatly.


I'm sad that my spaceship is filled with boxes now.  Sadface.

Cardboard Spaceship

So my sister had a ton of stuff in boxes, and there was one huge one.  So what did I do upon seeing it emptied?

That's right.  Get in.  And play spaceship.

I have crash landed on this strange planet.  I must proceed cautiously.  Some of this alien life appears strange to me...

I realize I have no fuel left in my spaceship.  This leaves me vulnerable.  I have already endured an attack from the one called "mom," and I cannot afford to endure such a hit again.  I may need to approach these creatures differently.

But how?  The things these creatures do seem strange to me.  Very strange.


I ran around in this thing for a while, narrating my adventures.

It was fun.

I told guy he could be my first officer, and he replied that he would conduct a mutiny.  See what my generous offer gets me?

Now we are on opposing ships.  Doing battle and exploring space.

Ice Cream and Puppies

Dentist told me that I had beautiful teefers and that I had excellent home care and that I should keep doing what I am doing.  Which made me feel awesome.  I usually get compliments like that when I go to the dentist, and I like continuing to get them.  My wisdom teeth are even okay and everything, so I really hope I can just keep them in and everything an not have to get them pulled.  I don't want any of my toofers getting pulled.  Nope.

After, Brendan and I went to Ice Cream Cottage (my favourite local ice cream shop), and because he can't eat a lot of ice cream at once, I ended up having to finish his.  Which was okay, since he got chocolate chip. Nom.  My favourite flavour!  Simple, yet delicious.

We then headed out to Port Washington, which is out in Nassau, to look at puppers.  Now, first, Port Washington is a super rich area, so we were just listing off every luxury car we saw, and it was definitely more than half of the cars on the road.  Both of us were a little uncomfortable aha being all middle class and shit.  We saw two Porsches in that neighbourhood too.  Yeah.  Seriously.

And the shelter we went to seemed a bit...suspicious.  I mean everyone was nice, but I was a bit suspicious over the fact that not one of the dogs got up and started barking or anything?  And yeah, that could be just personality or the fact that they were taken out but...all of them?  Seriously?  It was eerie.  I've never been to a shelter where the dogs did not get up when people were around.  I mean, I might just be ignorant of a way to get them to do that, but.  Yeah.  And the fact that only one of the dogs we saw was over a year also had me a bit hesitant.  Because...I don't know.  Does that mean they turn away older dogs, or do they just euthanize them or what?

Again, I don't really know how shelters worked, but this one seemed very different from my regular one up in Binghamton and some of the others I have been to, so...yeah.

Then on the way back, Brendan and I were discussing different animes we should watch/rewatch this summer.  He's really happy that he can talk to me about this stuff since apparently none of his other friends liked it.  I was telling him about different cons and everything also.

Guy sent me a video of his cat being adorable and oh my god is his cat adorable.  I can't.  I cannot.  Gah.

Yesterday I noticed that I had a facebook message from some guy I didn't know from like...the beginning of April (I just didn't notice it until yesterday), and I need to copy the exact message here because it is really hilarious to me:

"hello sweet angel, how are you doing? am attracted by your pleasant beauty when i came across your profile. my heart panted at the glance of your undeniable cuteness. can i get to know you."

I CAN'T.  I was dying.

Especially since this dude, once I looked at his profile, had to be at least 50 years old.

Creeper, I know, but I couldn't stop laughing at that message.


I had dinner with Danny last night and updated him on my life and stuff.  The meds and the therapy and the dreams and the not eating and the everything, and he really wants me to get better.  He thinks I will; he's always been the one giving me advice and stuff, especially since he went through a really bad breakup with a really shitty guy also (who was also his first).  So he understands.

Maybe I'll go into deets on what he said, but not right now, since I need to get ready for dentist appointment.


Brendan and I said we will get together later and get ice cream and go see puppies!


Also I had another fun dream last night.  This one involved my sister and her fiance opening up a restaurant in Albany called "Boter's Bowls" (Boter being my future brother-in-law's gamertag and nickname) and it ended up being really popular.  It was home-styled inside, and we were deciding what to do with the couches in the back and stuff before I woke up.  It was fun.

guy stuff

Ah, guy was being cute and non-sexual which was nice and I liked it.

He was explaining the things he wanted to make for me, food-wise, and started wondering - when I told him about my diet and my weird thing about my different foods not touching (seriously, I need one of those separator plates when I eat) - what he could do to accommodate for that.  He was laughing when, after he requested I make him soup if he gets sick, I asked him if he liked burnt soup.  Because that would probably happen.  If soup can even be burned.  Can soup be burned?  I have no idea.  I probably would burn it, if I could.

Basically his food is all fancy and shit, and mine is like..."hey let's stick this in the oven/microwave and wait for it to heat up."

And at one point he sent me a "kiss" and my response was "kissy! :)"

He really liked that, and honestly it was a quick response on my part.  He said he liked how happy that sounded.


I have so many conflicted feels about this guy, seriously.


Depending on how things are...maybe I can ask him to be my +1 to my sister's wedding.  I won't pressure him if he doesn't want to, since it is my entire family and all, but he is an option.

I definitely overslept.  Fell asleep around 1 or so, thinking that would get me up around 9, but I ended up not waking up until 11:30.  I have no idea why, since I've been getting enough sleep.  But now I have a headache, and it is probably due to that.

Cool thing though is that I actually had an awesome non-ex related dream!   Which are so very very very rare so I was pleased.  Basically, Dropkick was playing at my local library, so I called Brendan and Carl and I was all "GET OVER HERE NOW" and we got tickets and then went into the area to see them.  At first we couldn't find a decent spot to sit, but then it didn't matter because the chairs disappeared and then everyone was bouncing around on these bouncy mat things and jumping off stage onto them and it was so much fun.

So even if I don't get to see them this summer or anytime soon at least I got to see them in my dream!  WHICH IS COOL SHUT UP.


Something I really appreciated from guy was him apologizing for some inappropriate comments why I was sad and he was drunk, and then he gave me space for two days, and since, we have just been talking about cute things.  Like watching stuff and baking cookies and he really likes to cook so he keeps saying that he wants to make me food and expand my pallet (which I told him would be a difficult task but he seems up for the challenge).  I'm enjoying this conversation.  It makes me feel like...not an object.

And I liked that he apologized for the comments he made when he was drunk and I was sad.  That made me smile.

I still have that weird dichotomous feeling about everything, but all of that was really nice.


Also my final grade came through, and I officially have a 4.0 for my first year in grad school!  Excuse me while I dance around a little bit.

I'm trying to do this bibliography for my professor and I'm really just kind of...not in the mood to do it.  So I'm taking a break...even though I only have four things on the list right now.  I'd like to have a ton more, but I only have until Wednesday.  I should just work through things but I'm tired and I guess a break isn't terrible.  

Luckily all of it actually is stuff I'm interested in; I'm just tired.

Really, I haven't been able to get out of this funk that I've been in, emotionally.  I should be happier because I'm home, and I guess it is similar to when I'm at school: when people are around, I'm much happier than when I'm by myself.  It's normal, I suppose. 

...I've had this up for a while now, and I'm not really sure what else to say.  I thought writing something would help me not be so...lethargic.  

Just had a conversation that I might have accidentally hijacked because things that were being described to me made me really kind of angry and brought up memories and stuff.

Basically, it was an all too familiar story of a guy continuing to talk to his ex-girlfriend while hanging out with someone new (even though that someone new in this situation wants nothing romantic) and not wanting the ex to find out so that he could 'spare her feelings' and that bullshit.

Now, in this case, I don't know who broke up with who, but from the way it sounds, it was he who broke up with her, and she doesn't want to let go of the possibility of getting back together.

And I said that if he truly wanted to help her, he would cease communication with her.

That in the end, it would be better off that way.

Because otherwise he'll just fuck her up.

That it is cruel to keep talking to her, and it would be far more merciful to stop, no matter how painful it initially is for both parties.

She is not in the position to make the decision to stop talking, because she wants things to continue.  She mentally might not have the ability to make that decision.  Talking to him is like a drug - you just can't fucking stop, even though you are aware that doing so would be better.  That's why it is better for the person who did the dumping to do it.

And I might have sounded angry when I said these things.  Because I know from experience how fucking painful continued talking is.  How horrible it feels to believe you two still have a chance meanwhile he never actually thought that.  How disgusting you feel when you find out about another romantic interest in the other person's heart while he still tells you that you're his favourite.  And then he wonders why you ever thought you two could get back together.  To have him tell you - while you are still completely in love with him - that the prospect of seeing you during the summer has his "heart pounding in excitement" or something like that.  And then when you confront him about those words leading you on, he tells you that it's "an expression" and nothing was meant behind it.

How worthless you feel when you find out that you were mislead and that he forgot about you probably in the moment he dumped you.

That he just lied over and over and over again and you fell for it every single fucking time because you loved and trusted him so deeply that you believed him when he said he never lied to you.  And that realization of the extent of his deception makes you question so many things.  Your judgment about everything.

And that heightened feeling of worthlessness combined with the hatred of yourself that you have always felt makes you wonder what it would be like to do bad things to yourself.  Thoughts and fantasies that you once thought were gone resurface stronger than they ever were before, so much so that you need to make a list of reminders why it is good to be alive and what you want to do with your life.  


So, I'm sorry I hijacked that conversation and made it kind of about me, and I didn't mean to do that.

The familiar story hit me in a really gross way.  


Ugh.

Cosplay part 2

Because I think I'm mentally set on this cosplay, now I'm spending a ton of time looking up wigs and jackets and the like.  I'm now planning on going as Rip Van Winkle from Hellsing.  I really don't know why I all of a sudden wanted to go as her, but I loved her craziness and how insane she was when I watched the OVA, and she's not a very popular character to cosplay, from my understanding.

Since her cosplay isn't too difficult, seemingly, I tend to want it to be more accurate.  Which is why I'm now having a dilemma: do I go with a $65 wig which should hit around my knees or lower, which is the length of her hair, or do I go shorter for convenience (my friend informed me that super long wigs tend to be difficult to maintain) and get one that is $40 but less accurate.  Hmm, decisions, decisions.

I might also get a custom made jacket; I feel like it has been difficult to find double breasted blazers which aren't...coats.  It might be best for me to send measurements in and get a really nice looking jacket rather than try to customize one which might not be as good in the end.

And then if I spend a lot on those two things, it might not be terrible.  Especially since I am making more money than I was at any other Otakon I'd be going to.

And like I said, my friend said she could try her hand at making the gun, because I really would like that with me.  Plus, I need to get gloves, fangs, glasses, a black tie, a...light purple (I gotta recheck that colour) button-down shirt, and perhaps blue contacts (not completely necessary but if I feel like it).  But I suppose spending around $200 could be my budget, actually.  That is usually what I end up spending in the end, I'm pretty sure.  Something like that.  Maybe my past ones were a bit cheaper but like I said...more money now means I can get better stuff.

Luckily, I have boots already!


Having a cosplay idea has made me way more excited for Otakon than I even already was.  Ahhhh.


Oh, and I made a kickass cake image today using nothing but the internet and microsoft word for makeshift photoshopping.  Aw yeah.

Cosplay

I think I may have figured out who I want to cosplay this year for Otakon.  Won't say who just yet, because I sort of want it to be a surprise and see if I can actually do it and everything.  She's not...too difficult, I don't think.  Which is good for me since I suck at getting things together for cosplay aha.  Plus not many people go as her and everything.  Since I was among many Pokemon Trainer Blacks last time, I'd like to be more...unique, I guess.  I mean, I might find one or two of her, but I doubt it?  There are more popular people in her series, which doesn't see a ton of cosplay action anymore anyway!

And the cool thing is that my friend said she would maybe do the prop for me for a small fee!  Woo!

Went shopping and finally bought a bed and bowls and more toys and stuff for Callie!  I really can't wait to take her home.  I'm beyond excited and I can't wait and I'm already that guy that just talks about her dog and shows pictures of her to everyone but I regret nothing because she is adorable and dfjsfhsd.

Made a list of things I need to get done before I head back upstate.  I should probably get on some of those right now.

dream

This will probably be incoherent sine it is 6:30 in the damn morning but this nightmare I just had work me up in a really bad way and despite how fucking tired I am, I can't fall back asleep right this second.  I just don't want to return to that dream at all.

And of course, it was ex related.

I think we were in some sort of video game world.  Kind of like wreck-it-ralph's universe.  I don't know how we bumped into each other, but we did.  He begged me to meet him somewhere later so that we could talk, since I "never gave him a chance to" or some kind of bullshit like that.  Against the advice of everyone I fucking asked, I decided to go because I "wanted answers."

But...I don't really know if it was a trap or whatnot.  But what I thought was going to be a quiet balcony was actually this big pre-party for this game people were going to play in, and once we got there, I was ignored.  Completely.  And not only was I ignored but almost...villianously (idk what are words) so.  In that the more I became upset and started yelling, the more he enjoyed it.  It was sadistic.  That's the only thing I can use to describe it.

He started calling me names and saying I was insane and did this all in front of people so it all just looked really bad for both of us.  But the angrier I got, the more pleasure he derived from it.  The more pain I was in, the happier he was.

At one point I grabbed him by his hair as he was leaving with everyone else to go start the game, and slammed him against the wall.  I asked him why he even bothered bringing me down here, but all I got in return was an evil as fuck grin and him pushing past me and the whole thing was just absolutely terrible.

I was with his best friend at some point, who was also getting completely ignored and I remarked about how he thinks he's "too cool for us now" and something like that.


I don't want to go back to sleep.

I'm fucking terrified of my dreams.

I'm tired of seeing him in them.

There's this weird...dichotomous feeling I have sometimes when I talk to this guy. 

On the one hand, I like talking to him.  I like having someone who I can go to every day and chat with about things and I like that he recognizes my sadness when it is around and wants to cheer me up and everything.  I like the feeling of someone finding me attractive and nice and wanting to continue to text me and stuff even though I cannot fathom why, especially with how I have been and everything lately.  

On the other hand, I sometimes feel like an object.  Kind of just as if I'm an object of sexual pursuit, and perhaps this is partially my fault because I went along with it due to my own sexual frustrations and everything.  

Some days I'm excited to talk about things but on other days...I feel sad when I get certain messages.  Messages that I would enthusiastically respond to at times...I just stare at and get sad and feel depressed because of them. 

I guess it is me being torn between wanting someone to have a real emotional and deep connection with (which I truly don't think I can have on a romantic level at this time, due to circumstances and my own fucked up brain), and wanting just someone to fuck around with.  

My chest just feels heavy.  And I want someone who could actually make my heart flutter and everything, but I just...

Honestly even if the absolute perfect person for me appeared out of nowhere, I still don't think I'd feel that.  Which is sad.  Because I want to.  

Even when I was primarily interested in musician guy...I wonder if it was more just infatuation than anything.  I liked him, yes, but didn't really feel that flutter that I've only ever felt with...two people before, really.  

I don't want to feel nothing.

And perhaps nothing isn't quite the right description to what is going on inside, but...it is closer to that than to the other end.  

Really, this shouldn't depress me as much as it does.  Plenty of people have people they just screw around with and stuff who isn't their significant other...

I think I'm just sad because I'm still convinced that I can't try with anyone else yet.  Meanwhile, it is a different picture for someone else. 

Ha.  I'm really...broken.

That's how I feel.  Most of the time. 

My little sister was rear-ended today.  Luckily, though, she is all okay and everything.  Just a bit banged up.  It could have been a lot worse than it was, and I'm grateful for that.

Spent the day shopping and everything, which was okay.  Bought some stuff for Callie and some other things that were needed, and now I'm looking at dinnerware sets on amazon since we need some.  I am reminded of how people downstate tend to be asshole drivers, but whatever.

I'm really kind of tired, so I feel like this entry should be much more detailed than it is right now.

I need to buy a few more things, too.  For the apartment.

I don't know if it is because I'm tired or what, but I'm still sort of sad and stuff.


Though something I did appreciate was guy asking me how my sister was and how I was with everything.  And when I'm feeling sad he just sends me "kiss," which makes me smile, actually.  Plus, he reminded me that I could talk to him about anything.

I liked that.

bitter

Woke up and sad feels haven't gone away.

And my stomach is thus feeling unsettled this morning.

So I kind of want to just keep sleeping.  Even though I know I should get up to do stuff.

I have work I need to do.  I should do some today.

I do want to go shopping for Callie too.  That I'm actually really excited to do.  Maybe doing that with my mom will help me feel better.

It doesn't help that all I see lately are couple stuff fucking everywhere and I just want it to go away, really.  It's annoying, and I'm feeling bitter.  Really bitter.


Whatever.  I'll just cuddle with Toasty and Dewott.  They won't leave me ever.

Plus they're comfy as fuck.

I was hit by sad feels all of a sudden.

I don't know if it is because a certain someone came up at dinner, which always either makes me angry or sad.  The only good thing lately is that I think he hasn't been as...prominent on my mind as he was a few weeks ago, and I definitely attribute that to his and his girlfriend's facebooks both being blocked on my account.  Though him not being prominently on my mind unfortunately means he's still in the back of it, which might sometimes be worse.

And...I don't know.

Ugh, I shouldn't think about it.  I know.

And I'm torn between being angry with myself for still not being okay, and accepting the fact that it takes a long time for that to happen.  The latter of which I've heard many times from Nancy, but I still have trouble believing it.

Meh.

The whole thing really sucks still.


I was watching Once Upon a Time, and in one episode, Snow White gets a potion which will make her forget all about Prince Charming so she could stop thinking about him and thus stop being really sad about him.

And I was really kind of upset that such a thing doesn't exist in reality.

I am concerned about something.

It is something I've been concerned about ever since I started going to a nutritionist about my eating habits.

Whenever I eat "normally" (in quotes because my normal is still probably less than what normal people actually do have)...I feel like I've eaten too much.  And then when I eat normally for a week or so, I feel as though I've engorged so much food that I should cut back.

Essentially, when I'm okay enough to eat like a normal human being - as in, my nerves don't act up and my stomach doesn't churn at the thought of it - a part of me still doesn't want to.  I feel as though I should stick with the radically unhealthy habits I've developed.  At least, a part of me does.  Part of me wants to eat only once a day and nothing more.

I don't know how to silence that voice.  I guess it is also the same one which yells terrible things at me.  That tells me I'm better off small and skeletal because it would be a better reflection of how I see myself.  Or something.  I don't know if that makes sense?

I know I should eat, and I know how unhealthy I have been in that department for the last year plus.  I'm still always tired, really.  Stopped going to the gym and working out because I didn't have the energy to do anything let alone jump around and sweat for an hour.  But part of me just can't help but think it is better this way.  Even though the other part of me hates it, because I get a ton of comments and concerned looks whenever I see people who haven't looked at me in a while.

I'm trying to ignore that voice, really.  It's just hard a lot.  Same thing with that voice telling me hateful things.  It's hard to ignore, and I'm getting better at recognizing it, but...it has so far proved impossible to turn off.  I don't think it ever can be.  I think I just need to fight against it and all.

Lately I've been thinking about my partial mental resistance to any kind of weight gain and if it has anything to do with the fact that I was at my heaviest when the ex dumped me.  Even if the two may not have been linked, it still kind of sticks with me.  Because I had even said maybe a month before he dumped me that I was concerned about my weight being a reason he appeared to ignore me, so it kind of stuck with me.  And I felt worse and worse and that was yet another thing he didn't really...take notice of.  I guess all my little red flags about my own mental health and how broken I actually was just never spoke to him, truly.  He didn't care to notice any of them, including this one.  That I started to think my worth was linked to my weight and how my body looked.  So even though that wasn't the reason I stopped eating all of a sudden, part of me jokes about it was actually good because I lost all that weight really quickly.  Even though I was (unintentionally) starving myself.  For months.  For a year.  It just became that.

Which maybe is why that little voice still speaks so loudly.

Eh, I don't know.

Home

Home, and it feels nice.

I like having my mom run out to the car to see me and then I get a super big hug from her and everything like that.  And then my dad comes home with pizzas and doesn't even put it down before giving me a kiss.  And then when he does put them down, he still gives me a huge hug.  And my younger sister just being so happy to see me and not wanting to go to bed because she wants to stay up with me and everything.

And then I like it when my dad asks about my work and we can talk about that a little bit because I like talking about it to people who are interested and will actually listen to me ramble about my stuff.

It's just nice to be home.

Being home is sometimes a nice check on my thoughts of worthlessness.  Because my family, at the very least, would care if something were to happen to me.

If I left this world, they would be sad.

So even on days where I find reminders of the ex and become sad about that...there are people who do care.

Them, and the friend I drove down with.  I think he would care as well.

I do matter to some people.  Even if I didn't to others.  Even if I didn't to him.


Also adoption is set up and I will officially be picking Callie up and taking her home on June 3rd, at 11 in the morning!  I can't wait.  I just love her so much.

I was cleaning out my wallet because I just stuff a bunch of receipts in there all the time and never clean it out so they have been accumulating in there and I thought now was a good time to do it.

And I found a tiny little cutout heart, coloured in red, with the ex's name on it.

It's been so long since I cleaned out this thing that I just fucking found it.

My stomach is churning.

That shit was promptly thrown in the trash with the rest of the garbage.


Ugh.  Not a good way to start this day.

Furniture

So today after getting our house key, Carl, Brendan and I went to that charitable furniture store in Owego and made an awesome purchase.  We got two sectionals - one of which is leather with four recliners and the other of which is microfibre and has three recliners with one of them being electric - for a little over $1600.  So each of us paid around $550 in the end, and the retail price for these two was around $6000.  So...yeah. That was a sweet as fuck purchase.

I also visited Callie today, and I was a little sad because tomorrow will be the last day I get to visit her before I head down to the Island for the week.  I'll miss her and I just hope she remembers me and everything when I come back!  I might run and get her a new toy or something and ask if I can give it to her for her to have while I'm gone and stuff.  Maybe one of those stuffing-less toy animals!  My sister's dog likes those so much, so maybe she will too!  Though I also know that she loves the ropes, so maybe I should just get one of those.  Aaaah I don't know!  I just want her to love it!

Before all of this, I met with my professor about the project.  Unfortunately, my roommate is also on it.  And I'm working not only on this project, but on two others as well.  Originally, he and I were put on the same thing.  However, I did go to my professor after the meeting and requested that one of us be switched, because I really couldn't work with him.  I explained that he caused me a ton of stress this year and there is just a lot of animosity between us and I couldn't even look at him without getting angry, so I really did not want to work with him.  My professor was super cool with it, actually.  And explained to me that my roommate was just assigned to him.  So he said he would keep him away from me, which I appreciate more than he knows.  Seriously.  I do.  Because I'd rather tear out all my hair than work with my shithead of a soon to be former roommate.

Plus it is just kind of annoying that I can't get away from him.  Ugh.  Seriously.  What the hell.

But then he and I were discussing the new house and my puppers and I showed her to him and he thought she was really pretty (while also saying that she was going to be big, which she already is, and probably will get slightly bigger...seriously, her paws are huge).  So I liked having that conversation also.


When we went to make copies of our key, we went to Lowes and got seriously lost in there.  It was fantastic.  Which is funny because I usually hate that place and always got mad at my parents when they would force me to go there with them when I was younger.  But when I was there I pretty much just wanted to do a ton of stuff for the house.  Like, I kind of would love to paint my room, and I was like "WHAT IF WE GOT NEW CARPET TOO" and stuff.  That place is dangerous.  It makes you just want to do a ton of stuff that isn't completely necessary and you should not be looking to do as a renter.


Long Island tomorrow!

GUYS LOOK I'M COOKING ALL BY MYSELF BECAUSE I'M A GODDAMN ADULT.

But wahh the oil keeps spraying up and hitting me and it's annoying and hot and stuff. 8(


Yes my cooking deserves its own shit because me actually cooking something that required me to prepare is a rare sight.

Hunters

Just a follow-up because screw you I want to.

Energy sworded those bitches.  They went down so fast.

Aw yeah.

I notice that I do play much more strategically when I am playing by myself.  When I'm with someone else I kind of just charge in, resulting in me dying a lot.  Happens a lot less when I'm by myself, because I know I have no backup.  So I end up sniping a lot more when solo and using assault rifles and stuff more when with a team.  Huh.

It feels awesome being able to do this and not worry about working.  Seriously.  Games are too fun and I miss them during the school year.

Might actually get that fightstick at some point.  But I am in a shooters mood so it might be a while, honestly. Oh well.  It could be fantastic.  A summer of gaming.  With research sprinkled on the side.


Hoping my chicken thaws so I can make cutlets.  Nom nom.

Holy hell, why are hunters so annoying to beat?  Obviously I'm not doing something right otherwise this mofo would be dead by now.  But I keep hitting his exposed area using my battle rifle so I don't get it.  I'm doing something wrong for sure.

I've been on Halo for a while, just going through the campaign for now since I'm not in the mood to play online.  Maybe I will later though.  I also saw Callie (the puppers; that's her name at the shelter and while I was originally going to rename her Euphie after Euphemia from Code Geass, I actually really like Callie.  It suits her so well.  Plus, not having to force her to learn a new name would probably be beneficial for her).  It was just me this time, which I kind of preferred, because I want her and I to bond in a way that she won't with the other two.  Which might be kind of selfish, but it's true.  I want her to stay by my side and be my best friend and everything.  When I was there I asked about this one trainer I saw, and was told really great things about her, so I probably will send a message asking what her rates are and everything!  I'm not sure if I should do a private session or a group; I might start with group and then if Callie's separation anxiety keeps acting up, I'll go for something private and ask for advice on how to help that.

Before that, I had my session, which was good.  Showed her pictures of Callie; she loves her just from the pics!

...

I actually started this entry as a break from Halo and I was going to go into detail about what went down in session but man, I really want to beat these hunters.  I might come back later for detailed session talks.  Briefly, we talked about guy's parallelisms to the ex and my concerns about that (and more so my concerns about recognizing these parallels and still wanting to talk to him).  And we talked about me putting other people's feelings above myself because I don't think I'm important, which is what I did with the ex and with friends now and with family a lot.  I told her it is just easy to focus on other people's problems and try to fix them (even though I now recognize that I cannot fix the problems the ex had and possible problems guy has) and ignore my own.  Again, because those people are important whereas I am not.  Also talked about issues with seeing the extended fam and some concerns I'm having about friends.  And about the possibility of seeing the ex at some point this summer due to wanting to go to my undergrad and stuff, and the anxiety which is coming along with that.

Won't see her next week, because I'll be on the Island, but have another session with her two weeks from today at my usual time.


I can't wait for puppers!  June 3rd!  I need to go out and buy her a ton of stuff!

So there is a squishable sale all day today so I think I'll be getting on that when I wake up.


Some distressing news: my roommate is on my professor's email list for summer research.  This caused me to have a freak out because seriously I don't want to work with his ass.  Ever.  I can't even stand listening to his voice.  And I know I'm being juvenile because I should be professional about this and just accept it but I'm kind of not in the mood to have a stressful summer because of him.  I had a bad enough year and he was an added stress that I really don't want to deal with.  At all.

I'm kind of hoping that we're just under the same advisor but have separate projects, because when I was told about it I was told about two other people I'd be working with.  He was not on that list.


Sometimes I can't tell if guy wants to change things about me.  He says he does not, but I'm not entirely sure.  But he'll say things like that and then also say nice things when I'm sad and I don't really know.

I both want to talk to him, and am weary of him.  Like talking to him, but also feel weird about it.

He has too many characteristics that the ex had.  So the fact that I'm not sprinting away terrifies me.


Really, despite my desire to have a connection, I'm in this weird mode of both wanting to be with someone and wanting to be alone.  These antithetical feelings just put me in sad moods.  Nothing really is satisfactory.  At all.


Sometime I still read her last post on tumblr.

Puppers

Love her love her.

I wish I could take her home already.

Two weeks.

So today was good albeit with mixed emotions on my part, though that is probably just due to me being me and my feels acting up from here to there even though it should have been a full day of happiness.  I don't know.

So my plan originally was to go to my cousin's daughter's 2nd birthday, but I woke up feeling really sad.  I don't know why.  I was sad and tired and just felt really lame overall.  I was lethargic is getting up and trying to get ready, and then by the time I would have left, I probably would not have gotten down until three hours after the party started and...yeah.  I didn't really want to drive that long today, so I decided to just not go.

But then friends all got together and we went to lunch and so my mood started picking up.  Carl wanted to show The Hangover, since the third one is coming out and I had never seen it.  We didn't watch it until later but it was enjoyable.  Not as funny as some other things I've seen, but it was still really good.

We went to one of our local video/music/game stores after lunch, looking to get some things.  I was actually - due to nommings - in a good mood.  Looking through vinyls and cds and games and stuff...it was good.  Until a familiar song came on overhead.  Yeah, the one song I've been trying so desperately to avoid.  Such Great Heights.  And because I remember it and everything I started softly singing along and I just got sadder and sadder because it really does just bring up memories and makes me think of that cd (which makes me think of the final track on it) which especially upsets me.

My chest was really tight and everything for a bit.  That damn song, man.  That fucking song.  It's so good but just makes me so upset.  Which is precisely why I try to avoid it as much as possible.

But after the store, we wen back to my place and watched The Hangover.  After though, we watched The Wicker Man, which is something I've been wanting to watch for years since undergrad friends would only say great things about it.  And it was perfect.  Holy shit it was so funny and I couldn't even handle it at all.  I wish I had watched this thing earlier.  It was so ridiculous.  And wonderful.

Throughout all this we were just kind of eating junk food, so I didn't eat anything good(ish) for dinner.  Oops.  Oh well.  I guess it is still better than eating absolutely nothing?

We decided to go do a bonfire outside, which was nice and relaxing.  We got stuff to make s'mores.  I don't eat s'mores, but I like to roast them and then shove them on others.  And by roast, I mean set on fire.

Also I told my friends about 4chan, because none of them knew about it somehow.  I don't know if I should tell them "you're welcome" or "I'm sorry."


I was thinking about the puppers, and I'm starting to wonder if I can seal the deal on her and then ask them to hold her at the puppy hotel that they also do.  But I am absolutely horrified of someone else seeing her and wanting to adopt her in the next two weeks.  I really am.  I would be heartbroken, because she is just so wonderful and I want to help her with her separation anxiety problems as much as I can.  I was thinking about trying to take her early and then take her home to Long Island with me, but that's probably a super bad idea, since I'll have to leave her alone and I don't know exactly how she acts when left by herself.

I don't know.  I just want to seal the deal, honestly!  I might ask about the puppy hotel thing.  Depending on how much it is and if there has been any other interest in her.


And despite bonfire fun, kind of feeling sadish right now?  Weird.  Though I am trying to think about Streetlight concert in like a month, and that is making me feel better.  Also gonna sleep.  Woo.

I went to my friend's graduation this morning, and it was really good.  Her college is by a really pretty lake, and so it was a really scenic view and everything.  Her class wasn't very large, so the ceremony didn't last very long.  But I did stick around for brunch with her and her parents and her friends and then helped her moved out and stuff.  It was a nice trip up and back; the rides were nice, and it was cool seeing her. 

Plus on the rides I got to listen to the newest Streetlight album (in addition to Toh Kay's acoustic version), since I finally got them.  They're really good and I already have two favourites on the album (them being 'Ungrateful' and 'The Hands That Thieve').  This might change with multiple listenings, but right now, those are what I really like.  

Afterwards I drew over skype and that was super fun!  

Then Brendan came over and played Dragon Age while I did some interneting.  Then we went and hung out with some other members of the department for a few hours.  

This entry is really unspecific because I'm falling asleep.  It is way past my bedtime.  But I wanted to post about something. 

Voicing This Shiz.

Record and upload voice >>

I WANTED TO LEAVE ME ALONE.

My roommate makes the most fucking disgusting noises and I can't stand it and ugh he's so gross and every time I look at him I just want to punch him in the face over and over and over again.  I can't wait to be rid of him he's like a fucking blubber red whale who just annoys the shit out of me.

It's bad.  He comes out of his room and I want to tell him to get out of here because his mere presence bothers me.

Soon.  Soon I will be rid of him.  It will be a most glorious day.


I'm still chatting with soon-to-be-first year and...while we're having fun, it is...scary how much he reminds me of the ex.  And that frightens me.  It frightens me more than it should.  Because if I end up getting emotionally attached rather than just having a physical connection...what will happen?  Will it be the same thing where I end up abandoned after a certain period of time?  I know I shouldn't be thinking about this in a sense that he and I will ever actually officially get together, since at this point I do not have that desire, but still.

It scares me.  It scares me more than it should.


I'll probably write more about this later or tomorrow or something.  Gonna go around and look at puppies today.

My American professor just invited me to be a research assistant with pay for this summer to help him and two grad students to work on a big project.  From what little I heard about it, I'm pretty sure it has to do with Congressional elections, so it is kind of right up my alley.  He was telling me that it is supposed to be a really big thing, and he has two other scholars that we're supposed to work with as well.

I'm really excited about this opportunity.  Being offered a research assistant-ship (is that even a word?) despite my already having a fellowship is kind of a big deal to me.

It is really awesome.  I'm more excited than I probably should be right now, but the prospect of being able to do something with a team of people who are really good at what they do and really like this stuff is kind of a big deal.  Not to mention I'll get more income this summer now, which is always a good thing.

I do just hope that it'll be okay that I'm going to be gone for a week for cruise with the family.  I guess if I tell him now then it'll all be okay?  Since I'd be telling him two months in advance.


Times like these where I'm just really relaxed and truly feel happy have been especially rare in the past year, so I really do appreciate them more when they show up.  While I know they won't last entirely, as my own perfectionism and self-hate will show itself, and angry/sad thoughts about the ex will surface, and just...sad thoughts will show up.  There is no denying that they will.

But the fact that they show up a lot...makes these times where I actually feel good about myself, and okay with where I am in life, and just overall happy...it makes them even better.   

Vinyls and Star Trek

I just want more vinyls.  They will be framed and put on my wall and I will love them and  want to get a record player and listen to them and aaaah.

I was so excited when I saw London Calling when out today, and then my friend found the Two Door Cinema Club one too.  World/Inferno I've had, and then I recently bought a Bouncing Souls one, since they were releasing their very first EP on it, and I wanted.  I do also want to get a Streetlight one too!


Also recently got back from watching Star Trek and my god it was so enjoyable.  I will avoid spoilers for the time but let's just say that I had predicted who Benedict Cumberbatch was playing due to the secrecy surrounding his character, and he did so well and gah.  It was just such a good movie.


Now I'm going to watch the last two episodes of Supernatural, since I missed them.  Feels good to not have work to do!

Done

I just submitted my last final to my American professor, and with that, my first year of graduate school is finished.

It doesn't really feel like it right now?  I feel like I should have a bunch of other assignments to do, but it is going to feel absolutely amazing to just relax and not have to worry about schoolwork for a few weeks.  Of course, I will be doing work during the summer, as I want to continue researching and start trying to figure out publication ideas.  Not to mention I'll have my qualifying exam when the fall semester hits, so I really need to fix up my filibuster paper (basically just revamp the entire fucking thing at this rate) in order to submit it for that.

But it feels good that it is all done.  It feels like an accomplishment.   And it is an accomplishment, I should realize!  I had a good year academically, despite all my emotional issues and stress.  I have made myself known in the department, formed relationships with professors, have built a reputation as a good student and scholar (so much so that I have Comparative and American professors lobbying me constantly to join their side, since I have yet to really settle on one specific area), and more.

The year went by very quickly, actually.  I feel  like I just came here, and now I'm already finished with my first year.  I've learned so much, more than I realize, in this time, and I'm excited to continue!  I know that I get stressed quite a bit and am continuing to deal with my own issues (and those sometimes harm my academic performance), but this is where I belong.  Academia is where I feel most comfortable.

I have always been a good student.  And I want to become an even better scholar.

Layout

I'm aware that the layout of my blog got really wonky for some reason (or at least it is for me), and I'm going to try and fix it at some point.  I've been trying for a while now but can't seem to get it back to how it was.  So for the time being, it'll have to stay like this.

Boo.

Even though I finished editing my replication paper, graded all the undergrads' finals and entered those grades into blackboard, and applied for a scholarship today, I feel like I haven't really gotten enough done.  Probably because I did not do any work on my American final, which I received at around 11 in the morning.  The questions don't seem too difficult, and in fact, I think I kind of answered one in my first reaction paper about Congressional motivations and everything, so that one really should not be too difficult if I decide to not drastically alter my argument or anything like that.  I know my professor disagreed with me on that particular topic, but I did receive a really good grade on that paper, so I guess the way I argued it was really nice.

I do need to answer three questions though; the maximum the entire final is allowed to be is 15 pages, so I'm going to try and pace it at 5 pages per question (which is pretty much like writing three response papers in a day).  So I'll probably be writing all day, but at least it won't be really technical like my replication paper was, so perhaps it won't be so difficult?  I don't know.  I know I should work on it now, but I am so fucking tired, since I had to get up early and I couldn't really fall asleep last night.  Bah.


My session was long overdue, since I couldn't really see her last week after I got sick.

I explained to her my whole realization about the probable truth behind the ex breaking up with me when he did.  That I recognized that he did not want to see the real me and abandoned me when I needed him to be there and therefore he is not worth my time.  She said how good that that thought is.  That it is me validating my feelings and my emotions and myself, and realizing that it is him who is an awful person for doing what he did.  I am not terrible for feeling as I do and as I did.  When he would make me feel like a shitty person for being sad about him breaking up with me and moving on immediately, and would try to invalidate all of my emotions and would refuse to acknowledge my problems as real fucking problems...I was not the person at fault.  It was all his way of avoiding any sort of responsibility (as he was always prone to doing).  It was his way of saying that he had no hand in what was going on with me internally, and that if I just sucked it up, essentially, I would be okay.

Seriously, I find it incredibly sad that my boyfriend, who claimed to love me more than anyone he had ever met before, could not find the effort to recognize my issues and my sadness and try to help me, meanwhile...a guy I just met a few weeks ago and who has his own set of problems not only recognizes it, but accepts it.  He accepts when I'm feeling sad and why I do and wants to actually help me.  Or so he says.  I might be weary of some of the things he has said and done and stuff, but hell...he fucking recognized it and still wants to help me.  My boyfriend, who sat there one day crying and telling me how much he wanted to be with only me forever (which is a darkly comedic scene in my mind now, honestly), refused to acknowledge any of this.  He did not want me to be like that, most likely.  Because then I wouldn't be 'perfect,' I suppose. I would be broken.

So instead of trying to expend any effort trying to help a broken person, he would rather leave his seemingly perfect girlfriend behind (his words; I never thought I was perfect, but he always claimed I was...I don't know) and move on.

But then he refused to acknowledge that in doing so, he caused me to break even more.  So much that it became irreparable, at least for an incredibly long time.  Everything I felt he eventually blamed on me.  Sure, at first he took some responsibility, but that all faded quickly.

He did not truly love me at all.

If a person who has similar issues to him and who is not in love with me and only likes me right now, but has no incredibly strong emotional attachment to me can recognize my sadness and my issues and wants to talk to me regardless of it and wants to help as much as he can while still being understanding of my situation...it really should not be an unrealistic expectation for my significant other to have wanted to do the same.

He did not truly love me, and that sucks, but it is not my fault.

And I don't deserve to be treated like that.  I deserve and want more than that.

And yes, I loved him more than I could stand, which is why I tried to help him.  Admittedly, there might have been better ways for me to go about doing that, but I fucking tried.  I tried and I tried and I tried and if you had told me that there was a way for me to take all of his sadness and transfer it to me so he could be happy...I would have demanded to know what it was.

I would have, without hesitation, taken his sadness into me if I could have.  So that he would not have to deal with it anymore.  I would have taken that burden away from him if it were humanly possible.  But emotions don't work that way.  So all I could have done was what I did.

I tried, and deserve to have someone who will try for me in return.

That epiphany is a huge step for me, actually.


I also explained some other things to her, including my nervousness about my sister's upcoming bridal shower.  This will be the first time since Danielle's wedding I will have seen most of my extended family, and I am really...uncomfortable about the idea of seeing them.  My extended family is almost stereotypically Irish Catholic - big, loud, always joking about things, and always looking to start some sort of fight.  Often I am the target of political conversations because they all know that they can get a rise out of me quite easily, and it is just annoying, because a lot of times they refuse to acknowledge that I'm an adult who actually studies these things.  They still see me as a kid who doesn't really know what she's talking about, and that just because they're older they all know significantly more than I do.  It's really obnoxious, actually.

But that isn't the reason I'm nervous.  I'm nervous because of my weight.  People had already started talking about my incredible and too-rapid weight loss at Dee's wedding, and I am much thinner than I was then (my dad has said that the most recent time he saw me I was starting to appear skeletal).  The last thing I want to listen to are a ton of comments about my weight, which I honestly am terrified of getting a ton of.  I really really am.  I don't want to have people joking about it the way my sisters tend to, even.  I don't want to talk about it and why I'm like this.  I just.  I don't want to.

I don't want people asking me about the ex, either.  At all.  I really don't want them to, and I know some of them might.  And it is not out of any malice or anything, I know.  I know it is because they are curious and stuff, but...I don't want to talk about him to them.  I don't.

I might ask my parents and maybe even Dee to give people a head's up or something...just to ask them to tell some of them not to mention my weight or the ex or my depression and condition and to try and only talk to me about positive things.  I don't know if they will want to do that but...yeah.  I don't know.  I'm just really afraid of certain topics being discussed and joked about and it all just making me feel really upset and resulting in me being lame and having to put on a mask of happiness even if I will actually be the opposite.

Bah.


I was originally going to try and write an outline for this final, but I might just succumb to the reality that the whole thing is going to get done tomorrow.  And while I will probably regret not doing more on it today, I'm too tired to really care right now.

Also look, pixel me:

It might be due to this paper, or it might be due to the fact that I said something stupid in front of my favourite professor today (in my excitement about puppies, I told him that we were going to see them today, when it is fucking finals week and I should be working nonstop to finish things and was skipping parts of a conference today and stuff and I think he was disappointed about that and stuff and I feel like a moron for even saying anything), or it might just be because I am so overwhelmed by things and by emotions, but I was hit with this wall of sad feels kind of suddenly.

And then in my sad feels thoughts about ex resurfaced and they are of the very sad variety rather than the angry variety, and those are even less fun to deal with.  Because fuck you why do sad feels still show up and it isn't okay and I hate this.

Basically it is my self-loathing acting up.  The "why can't I even function right now" and fear that I may have hurt my good reputation in my professor's eyes and I know that is just my perfectionism telling me that I can't ever look bad to them and if I do that means I fucked up because I need to be perfect and have them think I'm wonderful and if they don't then what the fuck am I even doing here.

And I need to wake up tomorrow to proctor the undergrads for their final exam and I just don't want to.  I don't want to get up and go and then have to write and grade for another two days straight and I'm just tired and I just want to sleep.

I want to sleep for longer than a night, though.

I'm just sad, and I wish I had someone here to just let me be sad while they hung out with me and gave me hugs.

I just want someone who will help me and shoulder my sadness for once.  Even though I probably would not ever realistically let someone do that.

But I guess I want at least someone who will recognize its existence and stay with me regardless of it.

Ugh this paper is just horrendous.

It really is.

I haven't edited it or anything yet, but it is just so fucking awful and I can't believe I'm about to hand this piece of shit in as my final.

I hate this I hate finals time I just want things to be over for a little bit.

Why can't I just focus for the next few days why do I suck so hard at everything.

Interaction Term

I am the master of interaction terms.

Basically, adding in an interaction term into this regression changes the implications of this model: since the conditional effect of the number of veto points in a country is greater than the conditional effect of the country's electoral system on redistribution, the authors' fascination and focus on electoral systems might be blown out of proportion.  That when you interact these, it shows that maybe the focus should be not on the electoral system so much, but on whether or not that place is presidential/federal/bicameral/etc.

I don't know, I just think it slightly undermines their results and that shit is exciting because it means I may have found something new which is awesome and means that what I'm doing makes some sort of sense and actually does something and that is cool.

I'm a dork, I know.


I'm not quite done with the paper yet, but I'm really tired and might stop for tonight, and just try to finish tomorrow.  I did at least get the marginal effects plot done and the estimated values for the marginal effects all calculated, so all I need to do is interpret the plot, add in a concluding section talking about future research prospects, and then go back to the review section and put that in.  So there is still a decent amount to do until this is finished, but at the same time I do think I should be able to get it done tomorrow.  Which is good, because I'm getting things to grade and my final for American on Tuesday.

Back-to-back assignments.  Kind of sucks, but I should be all done on Thursday I think?  I can't wait.


Also surprise calls are fun and awesome and make me happy!  Whee!


Okay, sleep time.  Please brain, no dreams of the scumbag ex tonight.  Please.  I beg you.

Dream of the Ex variety

So, I had another dream about the ex.  Which is really annoying because I had a good day yesterday and didn't really actively think about him as much as normal, so I don't know why my brain decided to be a fucking scumbag and make me dream about him all night.  Seriously brain, why would you do that to me?  What, were you like "heh, you had a good day?  GOTTA RUIN THAT SHIT THROUGHOUT THE NIGHT."  Ugh.

Anyway, it started off me going home and him...being there.  For some reason.  I really have no idea why.  I remember even asking and not really getting an answer?  He was dressed like his old self, and his hair was back to the way it used to be, which would have been somewhat of a relief if I wasn't filled with dream-rage just because he was in my goddamn house.

And it was weird, because my parents hate him almost as much (if not as much as) me, but in the dream my dad was kind of okay with him?  My mom wasn't, but she didn't say anything to get him out of the house.

I somehow avoided him for a while, until we were just sitting in the den.  There was some awkward silence filled with some small talk about grad school.  I remember him telling me about how he wasn't doing well, but didn't really blame that on himself?  And I kept saying things like he needed to study more and that he shouldn't blame his professors for shit he's not doing and I was just being really short and harsh with every problem he told me about.  Finally I couldn't take the small talk anymore and I exploded on him.  That was when I asked what the fuck he was doing here and how dare he show his face to me and how dare he come into my home.  He started saying that he wanted to see me, and I cut him off and told him that I never wanted to see him again because I hated him with every bone in my body and that he is never going to be able to fix that.  That what he did to me caused me so much sadness and pain that there is absolutely nothing he could do to make up for it and make me forgive him.

He started crying and apologizing over and over and got on his knees in front of me and I was very "nope.  not having that.  Stop it."  He tried taking my hands and every time he did I jerked away because I didn't want him touching me.

Things are kind of fuzzy after that, but I'm really displeased that I had a dream about him after such a good day yesterday.  It's not fair.

And why did he have to look like his old self.  The nerdy punkish dude with longer dark hair.  Why'd he have that look and not look like the hipster douchebag he has become.  Ugh.

Why, brain.  Why'd you have to do that to me.


Today I need to work on my paper more.  Joy.

Today ended up being a very productive day overall!

Brendan came over and we worked on our replication papers all day.  We went to an engagement party for a fourth year from the department, but we only stayed for an hour before deciding to head back due to needing to work more.  Luckily they all understood.

We actually talked about doggie situation, and now there is another possible plan.  Since although the puppies were so super cute, I know a rescue is a lot pickier than shelters (usually anyway) with who they adopt to, and I know I really...shouldn't get a puppy that young.  I really shouldn't.  Plus I really would like to get someone from the shelter I always go to.

So I still would like that 9 month old lab mix, and then Brendan came up with another possibility: there is a 7 and a half year old black lab mix also, and he was thinking about getting her, especially since he would like someone who is lower energy and we both remarked that actually getting an older dog would work out nicely, since they often get overlooked and that is sad.

That idea got us both way too excited.  Like...we are way into that idea and it is a great idea and I wish the shelter was open tomorrow so we could go and look at them both and stuff.  But we need to wait until Monday, which is unfortunate.  But I think it would be awesome to have an older and a younger dog in the house with us; they could be like a mentor and mentee!  And they should already know each other since they would be coming from the same shelter and all.

I know I've gone through a ton of plans for the dog situation, but this one is actually the one I'm most into, truthfully.  I can't wait until Monday to check them out and see about that possibility.

I still have a long way to go for my paper, but I'm hoping that at least I can get through another huge chunk of it tomorrow.  Just put on movies and write and work on STATA stuff and it'll be good.  Brendan has really been helping me and I will need to buy him a meal and a few drinks at the very least because seriously he has been my saviour on this project, seriously.

He and I stopped and then talked for over an hour about stuff which was really nice.  He's gonna come over tomorrow also and we'll keep working, because we actually do get more work done together than we do on our own.  It works out well!

Tired now though, so it is time for bed soon, I think!

In a good mood right now.  I like when that happens.

Puppies

So originally I said I wanted a somewhat older puppy (like in the 9 months-1 year range), but I just found this rescue in Greene which has a few 10 week old black lab puppies and my god.

They are so.  Fucking.  Cute.

And I'm like "WELL I CAN TRAIN HIM/HER DURING THE SUMMER AND STUFF IT IS A GOOD TIME TO DO THAT," because puppies.

No seriously.

The only thing is that since this is a rescue rather than a shelter, they are a lot pickier with who they adopt to and everything.  Which is good, but at the same time I'm afraid that being a grad student and renting a home rather than owning will be a problem.  And the home has a backyard but it is not fenced in.  I don't know.  I might call them later today and see what the deal is and everything!  Because I really don't want to get my hopes up and then be denied because of something like that.  Or having never owned a dog before and stuff.  I would have to ask them their policy on that.

Then again, I still feel bad not adopting from the shelter I always go to and everything.  Wahhh.

We'll see!

Puppiessssss.

Baseball Game

So at first I was a little reluctant to go to the baseball game.  (For reference, every year the department hosts two big events, one in the fall and one in the spring.  The one in the fall is the wine tour, which I missed this year due to wedding stuffs, and the one in the spring is the minor league baseball game, where we get a tent in the left field area and get a keg and food and things are good.)  But I had paid for it and I was expected to go and everything, so I sucked it up and went.

And I'm very glad that I did, since I had a really good time, and it did help me unwind more from the stress which has been piling on top of me due to finals.  I mostly tried to mingle with those outside of my own cohort, since I feel as though I don't know them well enough, and they're always so cool and it makes me really happy.  We talk about work and politics, yeah, but also about video games and bad movies and just general geeky fun things and it pleases me way too much.

The game ended up getting rained out in the seventh inning, but people were far into our keg by then and then there was a fireworks show and we decided to head over to a restaurant/bar to continue with drinks.  Some of us walked, since it really wasn't too far, it was just pouring out.  I at least had my huge-ass umbrella to keep me mostly dry.

(Oh, I also walked there with Brendan and we walked into a cute as hell cat.  My god she was so fucking friendly and precious and I cost us 10 minutes because I was playing with her and was afraid that she was lost but then her owners came out.  Which was good because she had no collar on and I was afraid of just leaving her.  I could tell by her temperament that she most likely wasn't a stray or anything, so I just didn't want to leave her out by herself.  She was such a cutie, my god.)

At the bar, we were talking with one of the sixth years who is sadly leaving us because he found a job (which is good for him, though!) about our adventures abroad in Europe and about devolution in the UK and about football and plenty of other topics and it was so awesome.  He gave me some pointers about applying to jobs overseas, since he applied to one in Glasgow, but ended up not going for that.

Then as we were about to leave, we ended up stopping for a good...20 minutes or so to talk with a second year and a...fifth year (I think he is...I don't remember if he is fifth or fourth), and they were both pretty drunk, but hilarious as hell.  Especially the second year.  He is usually very introverted and quiet (but he is a very cool person) and tonight his drunkenness made him super silly and it was so funny and fun.  He also stared at me whenever he wanted my attention for something, and he is a really really handsome person (like seriously, he is just a very good-looking guy) and it kind of...pierces you ahaha.  So basically, it worked.  

Tomorrow I need to return to work mode, but it was fun to not think about that so much after the final today.  It was nice to go out and enjoy myself.

Oh, and the second years appointed some of us as our department GSO's executives; I was given Treasurer, which I was grateful for.  I imagine it has to do with me and my math.  

Final: The Followup

Okay so, I saw the first question and did it and was all "bam, that shit was destroyed!"

Second question: "okay.  I got this."

Third: "........I'll come back to this one."

Fourth: "What the flying fuck is this."

Fifth: "...Well this seems kind of easy?"

So basically, three out of the five questions were fair, and the other two I spent probably 3 fucking hours trying to figure out.  I'm still pretty sure I did everything incorrectly, but you know what?  At least I put down something that might have had some semblance of making sense and show my professor that I overall know what I'm doing in this class.

Won't lie, I'm also kind of banking on everyone else not doing very well, since this is all on a curve and everything.  And I know that is somewhat mean, since I shouldn't be in competition with the rest of my cohort, but I guess we kind of are in Game Theory?  I don't know.

Good thing is that we are done with this class for the semester!  Huzzah!  One class down, two to go!


Also, after the final, we went to go look at puppers, and since it is getting closer to the time we would be able to adopt, we were able to take some out.  First we took out a 9 month old Lab mix, who was absolutely precious and adorable and I kind of loved her way too much.  The only thing is that she apparently has been brought back twice due to anxiety issues and so they won't adopt her unless there is a second dog in the house.  So...we did start thinking about getting two, because I really do love this girl.

The other we looked at was a 2 year old pit mix, who was incredibly friendly and really social.  I loved him too, but not as much as the lab.  But apparently he and her are super good together, so now we're thinking about having the two of them together.  The only thing is that I'm hesitant to get a pit mix simply because they are banned in the UK, and if I ever want to move over there, I can't bring the puppers with me.  Which would break my heart, seriously.  That is the only thing keeping me from seriously looking at pits.  It kind of disheartens me, because I feel terrible by contributing to the overpopulation of pits in shelters and I wish I could take one out but I really don't know where I'll want to be in the future, and I would hate to either not go to England because of puppers, or even worse, leave puppers behind and go to England.  Really, both of those possibilities suck, which is why I'm trying to stay away from pits.

But Carl really fell for him, so he's thinking about possibly getting him, and we're seriously thinking about two dogs in the house.  If he decides against it, then I'll have to look for someone different, because they won't adopt the lab mix to me unless I have another dog.  It makes me sad, though, because anxiety like what was described is mostly probably due to poor training on her previous owners' part, and so I'm really trying to not fall into that pattern with my dog.  Really, I want to be a good trainer and a good owner and have my dog just be really good.  We shall see.

I mean, there are other places I can go to and look also, but I was described as a "regular" at this particular shelter, so I would really love to adopt from them.

I have some thinking to do.

Final

Alright self, time to pump yourself up.

This Game Theory test got nothing on you.

You can kill it, and you will!

So just stay relaxed and confident!  You can do this!




...My stomach is churning.  Wahhh.

Game Theory

"Maybe if I just...smelled my book, its fumes will enter my brain and I'll just know everything."

These are the types of things I say when I study too much for one subject at one time.

That, and I just dance in my seat when Zen and the Art of Breaking Everything in this Room comes on.  Because that is way better than doing games.

Seriously.  I'm going to dream about game theory tonight, probably.


The actual alarming thing is that I'm seriously in a state of not really...caring right now.  It is dangerous, actually.  I need to care, otherwise I'll stop studying and I won't do as well on the test tomorrow.  And since I did so well on the midterm, I want to do really well on the final too, even though I'm not as comfortable with the subjects.  Though I guess they are not terrible...

I don't know.  I feel like I've already checked out.  And that is bad.

Very very bad.

Thoughts part 3

I'm still not feeling 100% better but I might be able to actually go to lunch today and eat something other than rice and crackers and things might work out alright.  Maybe.  It might be a bad idea but if I get grilled chicken and stuff that might work out okay and everything.  

But I've been still thinking about more stuff related to my other entries about this subject, and I figure...whatever, I could write about it.  Because I should be writing about things.  It is part of my healing process and whatnot and is a way for me to get thoughts out and all.  

I've been thinking about my eating problems and how his reaction to that further highlights how selfish he is. 

My problems with food did not start until after he and I broke up, but for someone who claimed to care about me so much, he didn't seem to care or notice.  The only time he ever brought up my food problems was when we were eating lunch together at homecoming, and I remember he asked why I don't eat so much.  But I remember the tone in which he asked that question.  (He probably doesn't remember, but I pretty much remember most about that day, since it was the last time I saw him in person and was the last time we really really spoke.)  

He didn't ask because he was concerned.  At least, that is not the way he asked.  

He asked with a disgusted tone.  With an implication behind it.  That perhaps I was doing that on purpose.  For attention.  

And yes, perhaps I'm reading too much into that tone, but I remember it hitting me in a really gross way.  

He probably did not want to think that my eating habits were an extension of things that he did to me.  That because of things he said and what he did throughout the months caused my nerves to act up so much that I couldn't eat without feeling physically ill.  That I would wake up with a stomachache so much that it became normal.  It became a normal thing.  I constantly felt sick.  So much so that I avoided food because I knew it would make me feel worse.  I couldn't eat.  

In a year, I went from being my heaviest weight, to my lightest.  I'm now underweight, and I still have a ton of issues with food and eating.  Eating so little has become normal.  It is difficult for me to eat like a normal person now, because that is just how things have become.  I need to see a nutritionist and my therapist always asks me how the eating is going, and she needs to remind me that it is not a punishment mechanism, like I have been using it as. 

Maybe I am not being fair when I pin all my eating issues on him.  Certainly, his actions are a reason behind them, but not the whole reason.  Part of it also has to do with my own self-hatred and self-worthlessness.  Eventually, food became a way to reward or punish myself.  And perhaps this was subconscious, because I really didn't start thinking that I did this until after it was pointed out to me.  But I would not eat on days I felt particularly worthless and days where I felt like I just wanted to waste away to nothing.  When he and I were still talking, these days would happen when he made me feel particularly horrible about my feelings, and they continued after we ceased communication on days I found out about his lies.  Every new lie I discovered meant less food I would eat, because I was so angry with myself for believing anything that he said.  I punished myself for something that he did.  When I found out about his new romantic interests, those were days that I ate nothing, because I felt like a worthless piece of trash that was thrown away and forgotten so easily.  He told me originally how hard it would be for him to date again for a long time, and while that was somewhat comforting when the breakup initially occurred, I realize it was another lie simply said to appease me.  The fact that he has been serious with two people since me hurt.  It still does.  Especially since I cannot do the same thing.  

That hurt makes me not eat still. 

And it is a combination of that and habit now, but that is still a big part of it. 

But it was upsetting for me to think that he didn't actually care about my issues with this.  That he thought I was doing it for attention or something.  

Then again, I don't think he really cared about any of my issues, either before or after he dumped me.  Especially after.  

And the idea of him not caring made things worse. 

And now I sometimes like that I am this small.  I like that I can easily feel my ribs and my hipbones and the bones in my shoulders and everything.  I like it because - like I've said in various other entries - it is as though I am wasting away to nothing.  And I like that, because that is what I feel like I am most of the time. 

But I know I shouldn't like it.  I know I shouldn't and I know that by eating as little as I do and as unhealthily as I do I am slowly killing myself, basically.  But I just can't fix it some days.  I really can't.  I'm trying, I really am.  I really am trying.

I don't know.  Sometimes I feel as though my efforts are futile.  Even though I'm reminded about the progress I've made and everything.  Sometimes it doesn't feel like it as been nearly enough, and that thought sucks.  

My stomach hurts a lot more at the end of this than it did in the beginning.  Fantastic.  (Though I will also blame that on stomach virus thing that I have, and not just on upset feels.) 

I'm feeling really nauseous again and I think I'm just going to try to fall asleep in a bit.  I just really need to be better by Friday when my Game Theory final is.  I would hate to feel like this when I need to take that exam.  Really.

When I feel like this I just get super sad also.

I wish someone was here to take care of me.  And put a wet shirt on my head to help me feel better.


Nope.

Not gonna think about that.


I want to throw up again.  Seriously.

Though I keep thinking that if I do I'll feel better.  And that keeps being not true.  Sadness.

Salt

I had a weird fucking dream while I was napping.  Like...I was in a video game, but it was a mixture of Mario and some other shit and I was like...falling into cartoonish looking lava and then respawining and I had to kill people in a specific order or collect some things in a specific order and it was weird.

Also I forgot to say: when I was making rice before, I realized I had no salt.  So instead of being an adult an going out and buying some, I just went to the gas station and took some of the very small free packets and left with them.

The saddest thing is that this isn't a "I'm so broke I needed to do this" situation, but more of a "I'm too fucking lazy to get in my car and drive somewhere I can get salt" situation.  My laziness saved me money, time, and gas!

Yes, I will justify my doing that, shut up.


Made more rice.  Nom.

I had to leave the Game Theory session early today since I was feeling absolutely horrible.  Though at least I haven't thrown up today?  And I was able to eat some rice, which was good, for two reasons: 1) because I hadn't eaten anything for like...30 hours, and 2) ...I successfully cooked rice.  Seriously.  The last few times I made rice I overwatered it way too much and it was disgusting.  I fail at cooking for the most part.  I might try to make some more in about an hour or something.

The bad thing was that I had some of the medicine they gave me and...I struggled to get it down.  It is in liquid form and I hate liquid medicine so much.  It makes me gag and I don't want to have it and I feel like I child but seriously.  It's so gross.  I can't even down it like a shot.  (Though honestly I don't really do shots either but.  Yeah.)

I should try to nap for a bit too, maybe.  I'm really tired.


I'm still kind of flirting with soon-to-be-first-year and I wonder if I should be.  I don't know.  From what I understand, there isn't really much emotional attachment on his end, but still...I don't know.  Part of me doesn't feel like I should be.  But I still kind of like it just to have that sort of thing going.

I don't know.


I feel like I've become a pill-popper.  Huh.