I am concerned about something.

It is something I've been concerned about ever since I started going to a nutritionist about my eating habits.

Whenever I eat "normally" (in quotes because my normal is still probably less than what normal people actually do have)...I feel like I've eaten too much.  And then when I eat normally for a week or so, I feel as though I've engorged so much food that I should cut back.

Essentially, when I'm okay enough to eat like a normal human being - as in, my nerves don't act up and my stomach doesn't churn at the thought of it - a part of me still doesn't want to.  I feel as though I should stick with the radically unhealthy habits I've developed.  At least, a part of me does.  Part of me wants to eat only once a day and nothing more.

I don't know how to silence that voice.  I guess it is also the same one which yells terrible things at me.  That tells me I'm better off small and skeletal because it would be a better reflection of how I see myself.  Or something.  I don't know if that makes sense?

I know I should eat, and I know how unhealthy I have been in that department for the last year plus.  I'm still always tired, really.  Stopped going to the gym and working out because I didn't have the energy to do anything let alone jump around and sweat for an hour.  But part of me just can't help but think it is better this way.  Even though the other part of me hates it, because I get a ton of comments and concerned looks whenever I see people who haven't looked at me in a while.

I'm trying to ignore that voice, really.  It's just hard a lot.  Same thing with that voice telling me hateful things.  It's hard to ignore, and I'm getting better at recognizing it, but...it has so far proved impossible to turn off.  I don't think it ever can be.  I think I just need to fight against it and all.

Lately I've been thinking about my partial mental resistance to any kind of weight gain and if it has anything to do with the fact that I was at my heaviest when the ex dumped me.  Even if the two may not have been linked, it still kind of sticks with me.  Because I had even said maybe a month before he dumped me that I was concerned about my weight being a reason he appeared to ignore me, so it kind of stuck with me.  And I felt worse and worse and that was yet another thing he didn't really...take notice of.  I guess all my little red flags about my own mental health and how broken I actually was just never spoke to him, truly.  He didn't care to notice any of them, including this one.  That I started to think my worth was linked to my weight and how my body looked.  So even though that wasn't the reason I stopped eating all of a sudden, part of me jokes about it was actually good because I lost all that weight really quickly.  Even though I was (unintentionally) starving myself.  For months.  For a year.  It just became that.

Which maybe is why that little voice still speaks so loudly.

Eh, I don't know.