I'm in a weird state of mind today. Like...I don't feel sad but I don't feel happy either. But it is also not that emptiness that I felt a few days ago. I don't know. It is really really weird.
Truthfully I haven't stopped thinking about what I posted last night, what I believe the truth behind the breakup and perhaps the subsequent fallout was. And in a way that is...actually a good thing. Because it has been pointed out that the reason I'm going to therapy every week and stuff is so that I can stop hiding the true me from people. So that they can learn who I am, with all my flaws and imperfections that I constantly try to hide.
If he couldn't or didn't want to handle that, then he really wasn't worth my love.
And even that thought is a good one, because if I had this epiphany a few months ago, I would have jumped right to self-hate and everything. That my depression is what actually caused the breakup and if I was just a happier and...normal person, he would not have left me. Truthfully, even without thinking this, I did think that. I berated myself for months about the fact that I didn't put on a happier mask.
But I shouldn't have had to. If he loved me truly - as truly and deeply as he claimed (which I do not believe at all now) - he would have accepted my sadness as well. He would have acknowledged its roots. He would have tried to help me the way I tried to help him. But again, when I needed him...he let me down. He abandoned me, and then continued to show that he didn't want to know the real me throughout the next few months, given the way he treated me and the nonchalant way he dealt with my sadness and depression. I was no longer his girlfriend, so now there was no need to deal with me.
Everything was always about him.
My depression was due solely to him, and not because it has been there for a long time and not because I'm a perfectionist who hates herself and saw him breaking up with and subsequent moving on from me within like...a fucking month as evidence of my worthlessness. And the times where he could have recognized this, both during and after our relationship, he did not. He refused to.
Every time I needed him to be there for me, he let me down.
And I know that it is difficult to deal with your own sadness on top of someone else's. I know, because I did it for him. I know how fucking hard that is. But he didn't even make the effort. Once my sadness started to show itself, he left, because he didn't even want to try to shoulder mine the way I did his.
When I was in London, he did not see that part of me. He didn't see me hiding in my room and crying for no fucking reason other than feelings of inadequacy. When I got a C on one of my papers I yelled at myself and said my professors probably only saw me as a stupid American girl who had no business being around. When I would walk around the city alone for hours because I didn't want anyone else to be annoyed by the things I wanted to do, but that loneliness made me sad.
Despite my love for London and being abroad, my sadness was even apparent then, but he didn't have to deal with it.
It started shining through in the summer. His passion for fighting games and how good he was at them made me think that since I didn't have a similar passion and a similar skill at something that he was so much better than I was. I was jealous of it, and I hated myself for not having something like that. My sadness about that made it so that I didn't go to Hershey park with him and his forum friends at one point because I said I didn't feel well. And I didn't. I was sad. I laid in his room alone that day and cried. It had nothing to do with him. I didn't want to go because I knew with how I was feeling that I would ruin his time. And I didn't want to do that.
That was also a huge reason why it took me so long to go to a tournament to cheer him on.
Because I wanted to before that. I really did. But I was afraid of becoming sad and messing things up for him because of how I felt.
And then during my last semester everything just stressed me out. Every time he talked about how stupid his politics class was, it jabbed at me in the worst ways. I would ask myself, "why aren't you a computer science major? Or pure mathematics? Or engineering?" I felt like my major field wasn't good enough, because I wasn't smart enough to do something that was perceived as being more difficult. (Now I realize how bullshit that is but I didn't at the time.) Him missing my thesis was huge. Because it shouted at me that nothing I did was good enough to warrant his full attention. For him to miss something (with the excuse of getting the time wrong) that was so damn important to me made me really upset. It was something I was proud of, and when the person I loved and who claimed to love me couldn't show up, it made me wonder whether or not anything I did would be good enough for him.
I even started thinking that my weight had something to do with it. I had gained a lot during the summer and the last semester of school, and I was sad because of that. And I did think that that contributed to his perceived distance from me.
Even when I tried telling him how I felt after our relationship ended...he scoffed, almost. I told him that I felt like I was being replaced so soon, and I didn't understand why and that made me sad. I felt replaceable. Which meant I was not and never was special. I was a random person he could just throw away. But instead of actually acknowledging these as legitimate feelings, he yelled at me. He told me that it was disgusting to think of things in that way and that he would never do that and that I was undermining our whole relationship by doing that and all of that just made me feel worse and guilty and even more replaceable and worthless than before.
His feelings were always legitimate. Mine never were.
Continually, he let me down. He allowed me to travel to that dark place because he didn't want to deal with my sadness. He didn't want to put in the effort, like I put in the effort for him.
And I want to be with someone who will at least try.
Who will see the real me, and not abandon me when I need them most.
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