It might be due to this paper, or it might be due to the fact that I said something stupid in front of my favourite professor today (in my excitement about puppies, I told him that we were going to see them today, when it is fucking finals week and I should be working nonstop to finish things and was skipping parts of a conference today and stuff and I think he was disappointed about that and stuff and I feel like a moron for even saying anything), or it might just be because I am so overwhelmed by things and by emotions, but I was hit with this wall of sad feels kind of suddenly.

And then in my sad feels thoughts about ex resurfaced and they are of the very sad variety rather than the angry variety, and those are even less fun to deal with.  Because fuck you why do sad feels still show up and it isn't okay and I hate this.

Basically it is my self-loathing acting up.  The "why can't I even function right now" and fear that I may have hurt my good reputation in my professor's eyes and I know that is just my perfectionism telling me that I can't ever look bad to them and if I do that means I fucked up because I need to be perfect and have them think I'm wonderful and if they don't then what the fuck am I even doing here.

And I need to wake up tomorrow to proctor the undergrads for their final exam and I just don't want to.  I don't want to get up and go and then have to write and grade for another two days straight and I'm just tired and I just want to sleep.

I want to sleep for longer than a night, though.

I'm just sad, and I wish I had someone here to just let me be sad while they hung out with me and gave me hugs.

I just want someone who will help me and shoulder my sadness for once.  Even though I probably would not ever realistically let someone do that.

But I guess I want at least someone who will recognize its existence and stay with me regardless of it.