There's this weird...dichotomous feeling I have sometimes when I talk to this guy. 

On the one hand, I like talking to him.  I like having someone who I can go to every day and chat with about things and I like that he recognizes my sadness when it is around and wants to cheer me up and everything.  I like the feeling of someone finding me attractive and nice and wanting to continue to text me and stuff even though I cannot fathom why, especially with how I have been and everything lately.  

On the other hand, I sometimes feel like an object.  Kind of just as if I'm an object of sexual pursuit, and perhaps this is partially my fault because I went along with it due to my own sexual frustrations and everything.  

Some days I'm excited to talk about things but on other days...I feel sad when I get certain messages.  Messages that I would enthusiastically respond to at times...I just stare at and get sad and feel depressed because of them. 

I guess it is me being torn between wanting someone to have a real emotional and deep connection with (which I truly don't think I can have on a romantic level at this time, due to circumstances and my own fucked up brain), and wanting just someone to fuck around with.  

My chest just feels heavy.  And I want someone who could actually make my heart flutter and everything, but I just...

Honestly even if the absolute perfect person for me appeared out of nowhere, I still don't think I'd feel that.  Which is sad.  Because I want to.  

Even when I was primarily interested in musician guy...I wonder if it was more just infatuation than anything.  I liked him, yes, but didn't really feel that flutter that I've only ever felt with...two people before, really.  

I don't want to feel nothing.

And perhaps nothing isn't quite the right description to what is going on inside, but...it is closer to that than to the other end.  

Really, this shouldn't depress me as much as it does.  Plenty of people have people they just screw around with and stuff who isn't their significant other...

I think I'm just sad because I'm still convinced that I can't try with anyone else yet.  Meanwhile, it is a different picture for someone else. 

Ha.  I'm really...broken.

That's how I feel.  Most of the time.