The same student I've been having problems with straight up just saying "I didn't read the syllabus" and still not like...listening to what I'm telling him to do is not helping my depressive episode right now I fucking hate him.

And there is the potential he is going to take my game theory class next semester and I wish I had the power to fucking veto a person taking my class because this fuck has caused trauma to resurface and other shit and after that happening I went into this depressive episode unable to function and tired all the time and unable to even get to the gym and everything. 

Depressive episodes are fantastic I love doing nothing all day and not being able to go to the gym and having to force myself to stay awake I love it.

Exit option has been loud in my head the past few days. Like...I can't be productive so I'm a waste of space and everything else why can't I just be normal and okay and able to just deal with this stuff. Why can't I just be able to function without going into these periods of sadness and blankness and inactivity. How can people just do that - I want to be like that.

But my brain is all fucked up so. Yeah. 

Again, I'm so tired that I cannot focus this is fantastic and a great way to get me to do things I don't want to do, like, you know, grading. 

I feel bad, a little, that I cannot seem to focus or function well enough to grade things on time anymore.  On top of me trying to put my energy towards writing my chapters (especially since chapter 1 needs to be reworked and it is annoying), I just cannot bring myself to care right now to get their shit back to them.  Which I feel bad about.  

I did try to write for fun over the weekend.  It was nice, actually.  It's been a while since I've done that.  However now I'm like "you idiot, that energy should have gone to dissertation and grading and shit."  So, that's a fun little voice.

Am I incoherent right now?  It feels like that.  Maybe if I eat...

I've just been so tired lately.

I mean, my default state is tired, honestly (to the point my psych said she may look into some sort of stimulant if the thing we are doing now doesn't help).  It's been worse this past week, though.  All I want to do is go back home and crawl into bed and sleep but I know I can't...or at least shouldn't.  If I do I'll be asleep for hours and then I'll just wake up still tired and then angry that I'm still tired.

It is especially frustrating because I haven't been able to really think clearly.  My thoughts are sluggish and cloudy, which makes it very difficult to write or grade or do anything that requires some semblance of thought.

I have also been dealing with flashbacks this week.  Like, I just sort of hear them in my head and then I'm mad at myself for them because, again, it's been fucking years and that impact was so great that one thing happens that is reminiscent and I'm pulled back so fast it's almost gives me whiplash.  And then I look at a friend of mine who went through similar things with his ex-fiance (so it might have been worse on that front) and he is fucking fine and has no problems and I just stare at him and wish that was me.  Maybe blame it on my mental illnesses and shit, I don't know.  And a combination of that plus being mostly aroace (I guess grey, technically speaking), so that shit was rare.

...

I wanted to write more but I keep losing my train of thought due to being tired.

Also, unrelated: Hollow Knight is so good and might be one of my favorite games ever, even if I'm having major problems trying to defeat Nightmare King Grimm and the godhome stuff.  I've been thinking about getting a Switch Lite (I do really want one but it is still expensive) and if I did I'd probably get the collectors edition for it even though I finished it at least 3 times already on the One.  It's so good.

I'm not very good at hiding my anger, especially when I'm not feeling well.

So the student who basically lied to my face pretty much knows that I'm pissed and I really don't want him to think it is because I'm mad about his religious obligations (I'm not).  I'm just angry that he lied to me and basically caused me to have...let's say an episode because it was reminiscent of things.

Unfortunately, again, I'm not very good at hiding the fact that I am angry.  So in class (he showed up late) and I told him to join a group he tried to talk to me and I sort of dismissed him right away and perhaps kind of rudely, when I think about it in hindsight.  I kind was like "yeah I got the email, now go join the group," with an implicit "leave me the fuck alone right now."  And then I didn't really acknowledge him leave at the end of class (even though he constantly fucking stays when I'm trying to talk to my group leaders and he knows I do this every goddamn week).  Both things could have been handled better if I just learned how to control my anger when it begins to leak out but I was just shaking and flashing back to the other day's episode and it is his goddamn fault and all of that could have been avoided if he just a) did not lie to me to begin with, or b) had the courtesy to email me first saying "I forgot about this religious obligation of mine, can we please move it back to Wednesday; my rabbi will be contact you about it but I'm sorry I said Monday was fine."  If, of course, he actually did forget (which I doubt) and wasn't just trying to play a game with me.

But now I'm a bit afraid he is going to complain about me to someone and say I'm discriminatory or some bullshit when I just was angry and upset that he had the audacity to fucking lie to me.  I already did talk to the current acting chair of the department about it, so if he catches wind of things he does know some of the context and stuff (and knows that I was angry and dismissive towards the student today, I did not hide that). 

I'm just...I've never fucking had a problem like this with a student.  Sure I've had ones I've had issues with but not like this.  And I don't know how to handle it and I feel like a fucking failure all because I took his lying to me maybe too personally and now I'm mad about it and what if he fucking goes to complain about me that might hurt my already low chances of getting a job fuck why couldn't you just pretend to be okay.  You do it all the goddamn time!

You're an idiot.  If you can't handle this you won't be able to handle other tough shit, you realize that, right?  Either stop sucking or just end it already for everyone's fucking sake.

Having my kindness used against me and taken advantage of drums up old memories I would rather forget.

Thoughts of "you never learn, do you," "this is what happens and you deserve it for being a gullible piece of garbage," "this is your fault you should have done things differently," "you expect too much you fucking idiot," and the like just start piling and I go back to feeling like how I did when I would cry and hyperventilate in the shower because the ex used my love and understanding as a weapon against me.

Ha, it has been fucking years and this is clearly a trigger of some kind and that is super awesome to have to deal with. This is just a student and yet I feel like I'm back to being unsure how to deal with the ex and that specific brand of manipulation and hating myself for allowing it (and hearing him in my head telling me I'm a sheep who will basically get eaten by the lions of this world and then hearing myself saying "he's right you know").

This isn't that why am I having flashbacks why am I panicking this isn't that you are better now what happened shouldn't do this to you anymore stop this stop this stop this

I am going to shower.