Having my kindness used against me and taken advantage of drums up old memories I would rather forget.

Thoughts of "you never learn, do you," "this is what happens and you deserve it for being a gullible piece of garbage," "this is your fault you should have done things differently," "you expect too much you fucking idiot," and the like just start piling and I go back to feeling like how I did when I would cry and hyperventilate in the shower because the ex used my love and understanding as a weapon against me.

Ha, it has been fucking years and this is clearly a trigger of some kind and that is super awesome to have to deal with. This is just a student and yet I feel like I'm back to being unsure how to deal with the ex and that specific brand of manipulation and hating myself for allowing it (and hearing him in my head telling me I'm a sheep who will basically get eaten by the lions of this world and then hearing myself saying "he's right you know").

This isn't that why am I having flashbacks why am I panicking this isn't that you are better now what happened shouldn't do this to you anymore stop this stop this stop this

I am going to shower.