attention

Part of me is wondering if I have some sort of attention disorder as well as my other shit?

Maybe I'm reading too much into things, but I have so much trouble fucking focusing for an extended period of time, with the exception being when I'm playing a really in-depth video game (I bought Child of Light yesterday and it is so good like...)

But like I even don't read fanfiction or fun things that much because the likelihood I will lose attention within the first ten minutes is so high.  People ask me to rec fics for them and I'm like "...UHHHHH" because although I write them I don't read them a whole lot (plus with fanfic it is sometimes difficult to get the characterization right and when I feel like a character is ooc I lose all interest immediately).

The only reason I'm able to work out without losing focus/getting bored is because now it is also a social thing, since I'm friendly with people in the group and I love my trainer and all.  But working out by myself and just trying to be self-motivated?  It's a nightmare.

I feel bad; my adviser asked me to look at his paper and I read the first nine pages before things started getting blurry.  Even reading one article is like...a huge deal.  I can't focus on it.

I don't remember being like this when I was younger, in terms of the attention.  Is this a medication side-effect, I wonder?  Or is it something that has developed semi-recently (semi because this really has been in the works for some time...I just haven't really thought about it until like...three days ago)?  Part of me knows I should talk to my doctor about it, and I probably will, but I also don't know if I'm just like...making excuses for myself?  It is hard to tell where the line is, I guess.  I mean I've also thought that about my depression in general, but who knows.

Like...I'll be driving and feel super motivated to get things done.  I'll be all excited about it and will make a list in my head and say that I'll do xyz immediately upon getting home or whatnot.  ...But then I get home and I can't focus on any of that.  I'll do stuff for maybe a half hour to an hour and then I feel like I can't push forward.  It's weird.  It's been the same with even my fun writing; if I'm writing for more than an hour at most the words just kind of start blending together and stuff and I tell myself I need to finish it as soon as possible because I don't want to return to it later.

(Which is why a lot of my prompt fills start out detailed and then fade out of that by the end aha.)

I'm even having issues in class while teaching?   Sometimes my students will speak and I'll just zone the fuck out and it isn't because what they're saying is complicated or uninteresting (most of the time anyway) but it just...happens?  And then I need to try and snap myself back and ask them to repeat themselves because I lost them and I feel bad about it.

I dunno.  I'll maybe ask around and see what the best approach is.

I hate being at parties especially ones where I only know legit one person and that person is the host ahhhhhhhh

I guess talking to people about this blog has made me want to write in it again even though it has been once again a while and no matter how many times I say I'm going to use this again I...don't.  I ought to change that, as it was nice to have a place to vent and just talk about things, but maybe I got tired of repeating myself.  Plus I got more heavily involved in fandom spaces and that became my cathartic creative output.

However I do know ultimately that - as fun as writing garbage fanfiction is - it doesn't always get to the root of my issues and everything.

Sure, I have gotten to a point in my life where I am comfortable being single and even spend a good portion of my time alone, but I still have my own problems.  I've stalled on my dissertation because I've finally recognized that proceeding means that it will eventually be presentable and I don't want to present anything to people I don't trust ever again.  The incident where I broke down in front of the department while trying to present a piece had lodged itself so firmly in my memory that the idea of even putting myself in that situation again is enough to cause me to pause apparently.

I mean, Will has basically said that I wouldn't have to ever present to the department again if I don't want to, but...at the same time I know I ought to face those fears and actually do it.  Then again, general depression does just make it hard for me to do...much of anything, I suppose.  Even when I want to write fun fanfiction stuff it can sometimes be difficult.

In the past summers have been good to me in terms of getting things done, so I am hoping that I will be able to recreate such productivity again in the upcoming summer months.  Getting out of the house and going to other places to write will be a strategy; I'm even going to send Callie to my parents' to try and force myself to go somewhere for a few hours/an entire day without having to worry over her.  Hopefully I can get back the groove I had and get this thing underway.  Will thinks I can be on the job market in the fall.  I think that is wildly optimistic but...we'll see what happens.

My friend is still dealing with some stuff that is wildly reminiscent of my own past and I am trying to give him advice that I don't really think he will take and...it makes me a little sad, but I also know from experience that I can't force him to anything.  He needs to get there on his own, as I eventually did.  It took a while, but hopefully he will.

Though I do get a bit sad when he talks about being alone and how no one wants to stay with him and while I know he means it in a romantic sense...I am sitting right there and do care about him and it just reinforces this idea that romantic relationships are more important than others to...most people.  Which is...fine, I suppose.  Fine, but also sad, because who even knows what is in store for me romantically?  I've come to believe that maybe I'm on the aromantic spectrum of sorts...I dunno.  Sexuality is weird, and I have zero desire to put in the effort to maintain another romantic relationship.  I don't crave one either, honestly.  I just sometimes get sad because my friends become less friendly (in terms of hanging out and stuff I guess) once they find a romantic partner.

I'm just in a fog right now and I wish things were clearer to me.

Short news:

- I am officially an aunt to two lil nieces!

- I have been going through depression relapses for the past two/three weeks joy.

- My ace attorney blog is almost at 500 followers and I'm enjoying it a lot.

- I had a conversation with someone on tumblr who is basically salty about the fact that their ship was kind of sunk and is taking it out on the wrong group of shippers (my group) even though I also hardcore ship what they are salty about and it turned me off to it and now I want to rekindle my love for it.

- Seriously they were like polite in the beginning but then got nasty and I'm like "wtf I didn't do anything to you" and they're just angry that people "hate" on their ship and no one hates on this other one meanwhile the people hating on their ship don't even ship that other one and it is a really bizarre leap in logic and I'm like "dude chill it's fictional" and they're so salty and got all mad and guilt-tripped me about stupid bullshit.

- It was weird as fuck.

- My dissertation has hit a small bump because I'm a lazy sack of stupid shit who can't figure out this game.

- I've been doing mma four days a week and that's been cool.