attention

Part of me is wondering if I have some sort of attention disorder as well as my other shit?

Maybe I'm reading too much into things, but I have so much trouble fucking focusing for an extended period of time, with the exception being when I'm playing a really in-depth video game (I bought Child of Light yesterday and it is so good like...)

But like I even don't read fanfiction or fun things that much because the likelihood I will lose attention within the first ten minutes is so high.  People ask me to rec fics for them and I'm like "...UHHHHH" because although I write them I don't read them a whole lot (plus with fanfic it is sometimes difficult to get the characterization right and when I feel like a character is ooc I lose all interest immediately).

The only reason I'm able to work out without losing focus/getting bored is because now it is also a social thing, since I'm friendly with people in the group and I love my trainer and all.  But working out by myself and just trying to be self-motivated?  It's a nightmare.

I feel bad; my adviser asked me to look at his paper and I read the first nine pages before things started getting blurry.  Even reading one article is like...a huge deal.  I can't focus on it.

I don't remember being like this when I was younger, in terms of the attention.  Is this a medication side-effect, I wonder?  Or is it something that has developed semi-recently (semi because this really has been in the works for some time...I just haven't really thought about it until like...three days ago)?  Part of me knows I should talk to my doctor about it, and I probably will, but I also don't know if I'm just like...making excuses for myself?  It is hard to tell where the line is, I guess.  I mean I've also thought that about my depression in general, but who knows.

Like...I'll be driving and feel super motivated to get things done.  I'll be all excited about it and will make a list in my head and say that I'll do xyz immediately upon getting home or whatnot.  ...But then I get home and I can't focus on any of that.  I'll do stuff for maybe a half hour to an hour and then I feel like I can't push forward.  It's weird.  It's been the same with even my fun writing; if I'm writing for more than an hour at most the words just kind of start blending together and stuff and I tell myself I need to finish it as soon as possible because I don't want to return to it later.

(Which is why a lot of my prompt fills start out detailed and then fade out of that by the end aha.)

I'm even having issues in class while teaching?   Sometimes my students will speak and I'll just zone the fuck out and it isn't because what they're saying is complicated or uninteresting (most of the time anyway) but it just...happens?  And then I need to try and snap myself back and ask them to repeat themselves because I lost them and I feel bad about it.

I dunno.  I'll maybe ask around and see what the best approach is.