I am super over having roommates.

I am tired of being their parent who needs to tell them to clean or use common fucking sense sometimes.

I am tired of leaving the house looking nice and returning to it looking like garbage and smelling awful, and being the one to do a scrubdown of everything.

I am tired of having situations where I do so much more work than everyone else and I'm stuck in a situation where I am embarrassed to have people over because of the state of the house. Despite the fact that I spent so much time cleaning.

I am just tired of it.

My house looks fucking boss right now.

Over the last three days I've gutted and cleaned my room, the bathroom, and the living room.

I am pleased.

I've been having bad dreams the past few days.

Last night's involved the murder of my super bright and super optimistic cousin, who is far more worthy of life than I ever will be, and the details surrounding her funeral and me making some comments that people apparently thought offensive (I think I said the person I first thought of when I heard the news was my sister, since she and my cousin are so close, and for some reason people really didn't like that) which made everyone angry with me and kind of gave me no one to grieve with.  Not that I was able to even figure out how to do that...I kind of stayed in an emotionless state.  Well...maybe emotionless isn't the right word.  More like I appeared that way because I couldn't figure out the best way to outwardly process anything.

Unfortunately, this is the second night in a row I've had dreams of death and murder.  I can't really remember the night before's, because there was one dream of several.

One involved the ex, actually.

It was weird and shocking and actually involved us getting back together in this weird way that I knew was wrong but also me shrugging everything off with an "I don't care," but not in the way that one feels when they're in love and they don't care what others have to say.  It was more that I was so hollow and empty that I just didn't give a shit about the warnings people were giving me, because perhaps I thought I deserved all of that garbage.

I don't really think that one was about the ex and I, but more about my own self-esteem.  Or lack thereof, more accurately.  That I've been so down that the prospect of returning to any sort of relationship like the one he and I had (read: actually awful and manipulative) is the one that I deserve because I have so much self-hatred.

I probably ought to talk about this with my parents, but it is also Father's Day so I should try to at least pretend to be happy.

I didn't get a gift because I suck and couldn't think of what to get for him.

Once again I did nothing all day because I'm a lazy sack of shit.

I don't know why I don't just get my ass up and do things.

I hate looking at job listings.

Because I'm convinced that I can't do anything that anyone would want.

And academia is so suffocating that the idea of even working on my research right now (which I should be fucking doing if I want to defend my prospectus by August) is daunting.

I haven't even thought about it since I've been on Long Island.

orlando

(Might crosspost to facebook but I'm not entirely sure yet.)

I wanted to write something more substantial, because I'm in a state of both shock and unsurprise.  Of having so many feelings, and yet also feeling so very numb.

While some of my friends may know, others might not, because I don't think I have ever said these particular words out loud: I identify as lgbtqa+.  Really, I would give the actual label of my identification, if I knew what it was; it has always been a subject that I was never very sure of myself, and it has only been somewhat recently that I've allowed myself to talk about it more openly, if only online at times.  Right now, I just usually say that my sexuality is fluid.

But, I am decidedly not straight.  That I do know.

I hope this does not read as though I'm pulling a card, as if to say that I have more authority to speak than others do, because that is not my intention.  What I do hope is that it shines some more light on how closely I feel about what has occurred, and why I repeatedly ask for the things I ask for.

When I ask for representation in media, yes, it is so that I can see someone more like myself in the fictional worlds that I love so much.  Whenever I see bisexual women, especially, I tend to become ecstatic (I believe when How To Get Away With Murder's Annalise Keating was revealed to be bisexual, I screamed.  Likewise, when Korrasami became endgame canon in The Legend of Korra, I almost cried).

But there is more to it.  It is also so that everyone else will see someone like me on their televisions.  They will see a hero they love, and perhaps some of them will not hate him or her for their queerness.  It is why I would love to see Captain America and Dean Winchester come out as bisexual.  Why I would love for Poe Dameron to be gay.  Why I would enjoy Rey being asexual, or polyamorous.  Why more trans characters are needed who are heroic and yet flawed, just like Sophia Burset.

I want everyone to see these characters they love and to continue loving them and recognize that who they are attracted to, or what kind of attraction they have, does not affect the content of their character.  They are heroic and brave and selfless and kind, while also having the ability to be flawed and proud and stubborn.

That these characters are human.      

It is why I become angry when I constantly see lgbtqa+ characters killed on television, or when their romances end in sudden tragedy, like Clarke and Lexa.  When I see strong characters reduced to their sexuality, fodder for anti-lgbtqa+ and stereotypical tropes, such as Loras Tyrell (show only, as the book does him great justice).  Because it sends a message: that we in the lgbtqa+ community are expendable.  That our lives are destined to end tragically.  That we are slaves to our whims, and cannot act rationally because of them.

I need lgbtqa+ characters to be shown, not implied, like Dumbledore.

I need more Annalise Keatings.  More Korras and Asami Satos.  More characters like Pearl, Ruby, and Sapphire.  More princes in love, like Damen and Laurent, or Achilles and Patroclus.

I need more people to see that we are human, and to love us.

Representation is important; everyone consumes some form of fiction.  We fall in love with characters from all types of genres.  We identify with them, see ourselves in them...see the people we want to be in them.

I believe in the power of fiction as a medium to spread love and understanding.

I want more straight people to see the qualities they love in queer characters.

Because then, maybe, just maybe, some of those who hate us, can learn to love us instead.      

There are things that make me jealous or just sad but in a weird, almost vindictive way, and I know they shouldn't.

For example - seeing my friends with their significant others sharing I guess a day and they write in how much they miss this other couple.

I have noticed that them wanting to hang out with me (besides one of them) has significantly declined since getting into relationships and it just feels awesome.  (Sarcasm mode engaged.)

I shouldn't be surprised, really.  It isn't like I'm likable and do things that they really like to do or anything.  I'm too...I don't know...introverted, I suppose.  Or nerdy.  Or both.

It just hurts, especially since the one who got a girlfriend has basically shown me over and over that he couldn't give two fucks about me anymore since getting said girlfriend, despite his insistence that he would make time for me and everything.

Ha.  Funny.

Yeah, I'm being petty.  I ought to just be happy that they're having fun.

I'm terrible, aren't I?

In the next few days, I'm going to try reviving this guy and getting back to blogging stuff.  Because I do think it is something that helps me and something that I should do again.

Even if it is just me randomly talking about stupid shit that doesn't really have any particular ~deeper~ meaning.

Just writing something everyday will be good for me again, I think.