I didn't realize that college roommate's boyfriend's place was off the same exit as UC. I knew it was close but not this close.

Huh.

Nostalgia feels. And other not as fun feels. Idk I feel weirdddd.

While I know my mom means well, it gets a bit...unnerving when she just continues to ask me questions about what I want to research and everything.  I'm not mad at her or anything, really, I just wish I knew how to convey the level of my...indifference towards most things lately.  While I have tried to explain things, I usually leave some...blatant omissions which demonstrate some deeper issues I'm having.  My parents know about my meds and condition overall, but the finer details - usually the darker ones - I don't say.  Mostly because I don't want to upset them or anything like that.  Though I guess I am upsetting them even with how I currently am.

Though it was funny when she said that I needed a hookup.  And my reply was that I was too busy to do anything like that.  And that I had my fictional characters to keep me company.  (Though I admitted it isn't the same.)  Really, I wanted to say that I had a string of super bad hookups that I would rather not repeat because I'm pretty sure they just all made things worse but I once again neglect to reveal all the finer details.

I know that she is trying to help me think of things, and I hope I don't come off as annoyed with her or with my dad or anything.  I just can't exactly figure out how to tell them how discouraged I am with...everything.  Really, when I say that studying politics through fiction is what I have wanted to do lately, that is...kind of it.  I got more passionate about analyzing Kuvira as a state leader than I have with anything else I've done this semester.  Sad, I know, but true.

At first I thought that being home would make me feel so much better but right now I just continue to feel bored and tired and have this unwillingness to even get out of the house and do anything.  I'm trying to commit myself to going to Philly (well...college roommate's place outside of Philly) but I keep hesitating because that requires that I go somewhere.  Somewhere that is a good trip away. I'm trying to convince myself that the endpoint - hanging out with friends and actually trying to have a good time - is going to be awesome and I'll at least have a good New Years or something.  

Hopefully tomorrow I'll commit to going.  I really should.  Who cares if it is far away?  I drive that distance all the time. 

This morning my mom and I were talking, and she was saying that she saw this sermon on tv and that while she knows I'm not into religion and stuff, that she wishes I would have seen it.  Because it was about letting go of the past and how you can't move on to the future if you're hung up on people and stuff like that.  And I kind of shrugged and said that I knew all that.  After I described what I wish would happen to the ex, my dad pointed out that my rage/hatred is actually a problem, and my mom asked why he still consumes me.  That I'm still hurting and he is off having a great time, not bothering to think about me or anything.  

When she asked that, I just replied that I didn't know.  Because I don't know why, honestly. 

And truthfully, it isn't all the time.  It just sometimes comes up more...frequently in my head when I'm feeling particularly bad or during a certain time of year (holidays whee).  When I thought about it, I compared it to a former addict who relapsed or something.  It seemed to make sense to me that way, perhaps.  

The reunion yesterday went well, though I did find myself quieter than everyone else, basically.  I'll blame it on my lack of progress and good stories to tell.  But it was nice to see people and hear what others had to say.  I'll admit that sometimes I unintentionally zoned out on people; not because what they were saying wasn't interesting, but more because I was just...being me, I suppose.  How unfortunate.

And today was spent watching more Breaking Bad with the parents.  Both older sisters left so it is back to just four of us in the house, and I'm finding myself - as usual - somewhat bored.  But again - also as usual - I don't exactly know what will satisfy me in terms of relieving my boredom.  I have Dragon Age to play, but I find I don't really want to start it yet (weird, I know).  I have books I could read.  I have time to train Callie some new things if I wanted.  Time to go out places with younger sister or with parents or by myself.

I have time right now.  Time that I have no idea what to do with.  Soon that time will be filled with work and things I need to do, but I can't figure out what it is I want to do in the meantime.  Old hobbies have become tedious to me, it seems, and new ones seem daunting.  In my head, I do a bunch of cool stuff.  But I never actually get around to any of them.  In my head I have tried archery, rock climbing, kickboxing, krav maga, more agility with Callie, snowboarding, music, writing fiction, etc., etc.  All those things, unfortunately, cost money, which I don't have a lot of.  And actually signing up for anything like that is...a big hurdle for me.

I hate the beginning of anything.  I hate being a beginner.  In my own twisted mind, I expect myself to be good the moment I start things, and I get embarrassed by the idea of messing up in front of others.  Even if...that is to be expected, given my status.  Logically, I know that the only way to improve is to mess up, and to encounter people who are better than you.  To observe them and learn from them.  But sometimes I just get discouraged.  "You'll never be able to do something awesome like that."  "You might as well give up now."  "They are laughing at you.  They know that you are terrible and that is all you ever will be."  These are things that the voice in my head tells me.  Every time I start something new or make a mistake or anything.

And I know people tell me that I pretty much need to stop that, but...it isn't that simple.  That voice has always been there.  I don't know why.  It is so automatic that I can't really...stop it.  All I can do is try my best to fight it when it pops up.  But that is more difficult to do on some days than others.  Some days I can fight against that voice quite well.  Others...I don't fight at all.  I can't.


In my boredom I spent too long thinking about past and ex and other stupid things that should no longer be on my mind but unfortunately still linger.

I have this weird knot in my stomach right now.

I don't know if it is because of tomorrow's reunion thing.

Or because I had a conversation with my dad about how worried my mom gets for me because of how stressed I make myself (and therefore how unhappy I am).

Or because I still do stupid things sometimes when I am feeling lonely which include looking at ex-related stuff, because he is the only person I ever had in that romantic fashion and I'm once again with with the reality that he is happy and loved and I am miserable and depressed, on three different meds just to make it so that I don't want to crash my car into a concrete wall or something.

Wheeee this is always so much fun to do.

Well, Christmas came and went and it honestly didn't feel any different from any other day.  That warm feeling I would always get at this time of year seems to have vanished this time around.  Maybe it is because only a few days ago I was doing a ton of work and it felt like there was no end in sight.  Or maybe that is just how I am now.

But I did get some cool things and hanging with fam is always fun.  Legitimately I feel like I enjoy reactions to the gifts I give the best.  I don't know, it just makes me feel good.  Maybe because I made someone happy or something like that, which makes me think that maybe I'm not so bad.

Today was nice and lazy, though.  Just hung around and watched a bunch of shows with people.  Finally started Breaking Bad, which is excellent so far.

At dinner, though, I got into a conversation with my parents, mainly, about my future.  And not in the "what are you gonna do with your life" sort of thing.  It was more...well it started when I complained about people bringing their kids/significant others to the reunion lunch this Saturday (well...more kids, honestly).  When my mom remarked that it isn't a bad thing that I'm single and that everyone is just going to be catching up with their lives, I kind of blurted out that I just didn't want to have to pretend that I was happy when I'm actually miserable most of the time with what I am doing and where I am in my life right now.  My mom then asked me why I am doing what I'm doing if I am so unhappy.  But the way she asked it didn't really seem...accusatory.  It is weird to describe it.

I kept saying that I didn't know what I really wanted to do anymore, but that I needed the degree.  Which I feel I do; the PhD gives more freedom than just a master's, in terms of being able to explore a whole load of options and everything.  So, I'm going to try and just focus on that prize.  Which is admittedly difficult when I have so many people talking about job markets and what comes after and all that stuff.

It was just a...conversation that I know I need to have with more people even though it makes me somewhat uncomfortable.

And just hearing my mom repeat over and over that she wants me to do something that would make me happy was just...I don't know.  It made me sad.  I know she knows I'm just unhappy and sad most of the time; I can tell even the way she interacts with me versus my sisters.

I just have no idea what to tell her, because I don't know what would make me happy anymore.


Bah, I shouldn't be thinking sad things like this.  It be Christmas!

I hope everyone's day was awesomesauce.

Got home tonight after a day filled with packing and wrapping gifts and getting Callie bathed and all that fun stuff.

I noticed that I was in a better mood than usual, though the fact that I have no more classes (minus the one dissertation writing class) hasn't quite sunk in just yet.

On Saturday, there is going to be a reunion with people from high school and while I was kind of excite, I'm also getting some weird anxiety about it now.  People will be bringing their significant others (and one is bringing her son, who is like...1, and I kind of wanted to be very "can you not," but I knew that would be rude and stuff) and so I'll sit there awkwardly and hope people don't just go on and on and on about how perfect their fucking lives are.  I mean, I want them to be, because I want them to be happy, but I guess having it flaunted in my face gets kind of...tiresome for me.

Bah, I know that is selfish.  This reunion is so we could all catch up and see how we've all been.

But I doubt people who seem genuinely happy are going to want to hear about how much I hate where I am at right now, and how I'm just in this big fog that I can't seem to navigate out of.  So I'll probably have to lie and stuff and say that things aren't really all that bad and everything.  Or just be quiet.

Yesterday I sat in the car for five minutes before pulling out of my parking space at school, daydreaming about running away with Callie.  Don't know where.  But just leaving.  It was a nice thought, as sad as that is.

But, for now, I'm actually okay.  Because I'm home.


Also Bryke confirmed Korrasami and that makes me so fucking happy seriously.  

Guess who still can't go home because she has one more assignment to do that she would rather just ignore and not turn in at all?

That's right, this girl right here.

Also decided to try working in the Union because it is nice in here and since classes ended on Friday no one is around.

I would like to bang this shit out in a few hours, but that might be semi-difficult given that I still don't know exactly what it is I even want to write about.


I just wanna go hooooommmeeee.

Especially since tensions in the house seem to have increased again and I just want to get away from everyone and everything.


Having strong feels about a fictional character is both good and bad.  Bad in that she distracts me from work.  Good in that she distracts me from myself.

I am obsessed but I just want to hug her and she is perfect.

I went to the vet today with Callie and she sadly has an ear infection and a higher temperature than normal and has gained a bit more weight than I would have liked.  So...her lethargy and grumpiness makes so much sense now and I feel absolutely awful for not recognizing it before and catching it.

So...yeah, I'm gonna let her stay in my bed tonight if she wants to.  So far, she seems to want to do that, since even after I gave her her before bed greenie, she came out and wanted back on my bed and fell asleep.

For some time I'm going to have to clean out her ears with this medicated solution on top of giving her some prescription stuff and it is really difficult for me to do; she obviously doesn't like it and so it is really hard to get her to stay still and all.


Still have two papers to do because I suck at fucking everything.

I would rather tear out my own eyeballs than read and grade these fucking papers.

(Also I'm still thinking about Korra finale; the fact that Korrasami was endgame is just.  It's so wonderful.  For so many reasons.)

LoK Finale

So I watched the ending of Legend of Korra.

I have feels right now.  So many of them.

Between the Korrasami being canon (which is hfsdkjfhdskjh) and Kuvira's backstory and how I just adore her (even though I don't think she got the full ending she deserved), I just have a lot of feels about this show.

I think even more than its predecessor.

I don't want it to be over, really.

In a weird way, Korra was one of the things that helped me through the semester and everything.  It was something I looked forward to every week.  "If I get through this week, I can watch Korra on Friday."

And in the beginning of this season, she had depression and PTSD and I identified so much with the former and that was comforting in a way.  Especially...I don't know.  I identified with her progression entirely; she went from being headstrong, confident, abrasive, and seemingly knowing exactly what she wanted, to having all of that stripped from her and her becoming depressed, not knowing what to do or how to handle it.  And...I once was like how she used to be.  I mean, I always had the self-doubt and the self-hate but...I was more confident than now at least.  And I knew what I wanted and did what I could to get it.  Now I'm...well, how I am.  I can only hope that, like Korra, I'll be able to get through everything and come out more balanced and stuff.

I know it is probably weird to be so...emotional, I guess, at the end of a series, but...I don't know.  It was one of the few things that even was able to help me feel emotions at times.  Sometimes I felt closer to those characters than I did/do to the real people I'm surrounded by.  Which I know is bad, but...it also helped, in a weird way.

Korra, thank you, and I will miss you terribly.

(Art by cursedglass on tumblr.)

Still sick.  But I'm trying to get things done.  I just don't know how it is all going to get done, considering I'm still feeling awful but...I'm trying.  I just emailed one of my professors asking if I could have more time.

I feel very little in terms of emotions, if anything at all.  Normally, I would be somewhat panicky at this stage in the game if I had this little done, but...yeah, I don't even feel that.  I'm not emotionally invested in anything, really.


However, I'm glad that when I read news about him I thought, "wow, someone needs to grow the fuck up, seriously," and not anything else.  Once upon a time I would've been genuinely happy.  Nope.  Now I just find it pathetic.

(Not that I don't find myself pathetic, but whatevs.)

I apparently have a bad upper respiratory infection.  ...That, or the beginning stages of influenza, apparently.  But that second one is not very likely.  It is a possibility that the doctor said, anyway.

Still having trouble working, but I did actually make some good progress on my replication.  The coding anyway, not the actual paper.  I might need to run around tomorrow to people and ask for extensions and everything because...yeah.  I physically don't feel like I can work for that long right now.  I can also go to our grad director if I need, I suppose.  She is the one who knows about my mental health issues, and I think she'd understand if I also said that I was really sick for almost a week now.  And that has made it really fucking difficult (even more so) to do anything.


Also, people from my high school are planning a reunion lunch or dinner, which should be fun.  Unfortunately, everyone is going to be bringing their significant other, which is going to get super annoying super quickly.  But, best friend already asked me to be her SO, which I am always down with.  She and I are among the last remaining single people from our core high school group.  We sometimes get bitter about it, but again...yeah.  That whole "I want it but I don't" thing still happens for me.  Plus the "even if I wanted it, I wouldn't be able to feel anything."  All those things I talk about quite a bit.

I think I'm going to need to ask people for more time to do things.

I have not written anything in terms of my three papers.

Still have so much grading left.

And still really sick.  Gonna hope tomorrow I'm better and stuff.  I have final to proctor and everything.

The one thing good about being so sick is that I'm more focused on physically not feeling well, and thus am distracted from over-thinking things related to mental health stuff.  If that makes sense.  I'm still sad and I guess stressed in that...I don't really feel much of anything.  None of the usual "holy shit I need to finish" that I usually get at the end of the semester.  That says a lot, actually.  I have no idea how I'm going to go about finishing things, but I don't feel anything in terms of panic.


I might be heading to Philly for New Years this year.  College roommate was asking if I wanted to go down, and then I know Friend S said he'd like to see me too...  It would be a change; my past few New Years have not been very exciting, really.  I'm leaning towards yes, but I need to double-check things.


Also, Menzingers concert in March, hopefully.  That's something else to look forward to also.

Still feeling sick today.  Though surprisingly I got a decent amount done for my replication paper.  Not everything; I still need to figure out what other model I'll be doing and I need to figure out one or two more charts from their paper.  And you know...write the thing.

Did also grade some papers, but I still have a ton left to do, sadly.  I would've tried to do more but between sickness and burnout, it is kind of amazing I got done as much as I did.

I might need to ask if I can have until next Monday for some things.  While I have an idea for my American paper, I'm not entirely sure how to go about it, and I still have zero idea of what to do for my comparative paper.  Everyone keeps telling me how close the end of the semester is, and yet to me it still feels like it is forever away.  Like it is never going to end.  Given how much I still have left to do, and how little motivation I have to do any of it, I suppose that isn't really all that surprising.

Ugh, I just feel terrible.  Physically, mentally, and emotionally.  I just want to go home.

Wow I feel worse than I did this morning, and I felt pretty bad this morning.  My entire upper body aches, my throat is scratchy, and I still have that horrible taste in my mouth.  No matter how much water I drink or what I eat, it just isn't going away.  Brushing my teeth doesn't help either.  At all.

I've been trying to get some things done, and I have been able to grade some papers and get some things organized.  But as the day went on, the worse I felt.  I just feel awful.

Hopefully tomorrow I'll feel better?

...This is really the worst time for me to get sick like this.

I decided to take my professor's advice and instead of writing a long list of everything I need to finish for the semester, I wrote a list of only two small things that I wanted to get done today.  That way, the tasks wouldn't seem so daunting to me and maybe I'd be able to gather the motivation to at least take care of those.

And I did.  Again, it wasn't a lot, but I guess I need to try and focus on the fact that I actually did something in terms of work today, which is better than it has been for me in the past two weeks.  I'm just going to...do what I can, essentially.


Also I might be getting sick.  My throat is scratchy and I have this awful awful taste in the back of it; my fear is that it is the beginning of strep, because that is usually how it starts for me.  And if that is the case, I'll be incapacitated and that would be all sorts of awful.

I think I'll let Callie sleep in my bed tonight instead of her crate.  Normally she wants to sleep in her own bed but tonight she just kept staring at me when she got in there and since I've been feeling sad and tired and all that, I let her out and on my bed.

We'll see if she stays there.  And hopefully she won't wake me up too early.

I had my last class today, and it hasn't exactly hit me yet.  Probably because I still have so many things to finish and zero motivation to do any of them.

I'm also ignoring all of my students' emails, because I don't feel like answering their bitchfits and whines about how they didn't turn in the paper on time and all that shit.


I did, however, talk to one of the professors I'm close with today about some stuff.  I'm TAing the methods class for her next semester, and she is the grad director, and she's just super awesome.  First I asked about comps stuff, since I no longer know if I want to take the IR or the comparative anymore.  Eventually, after talking a bit about next semester and everything too, I asked her if she knew of ways to deal with burnout, since I'm not exactly sure what to do anymore.  We talked about possible things to do, and she reassured me that if I needed to take a semester off or anything for medical purposes to focus on my mental health, that that wouldn't reflect badly on me or hurt my funding.

She understood, having had depression and been down this road before, and so I was able to tell her some things and it was nice to have a sympathetic/empathetic person in the department whom I can go to with these things.  At first I didn't want to tell the faculty the extent of it, but I guess it is better that someone at least knows now.

I was also told that a politics in film/fiction class would be cool if I wanted to teach that next year sometime.  That was nice to hear.


Also, roommate J got a new cushy job in Ithaca that he doesn't fucking deserve and I can't even pretend to be happy about it to roommate C, who of course is probably going to move with him.  Ugh.

Burnout

Never before did I really understand exactly how much burnout just sucks away all your desire and ability to do any sort of work.

For the past two weeks, I flat out ignored the assignments I was supposed to do for my comparative class, because I honestly just could not do it.  I know that is weird to say, especially for me, but...I felt like I couldn't.

I guess the depression and self-hate and this feeling of absolute hopelessness just...zapped every little ounce of energy and determination I had.  The only time I feel even a little happy is when Callie is around (which is probably why I got so defensive...well, more defensive than I normally would be in that situation) and the work I have to do just feels like a huge mountain that I am unable to climb.

Nothing is going to get better, I feel like.  I don't know what to do.  I feel like...I'm not myself.  Even with being depressed and stuff.  My head just hurts, and everything seems more difficult to comprehend and pay attention to.  I can't focus, I can't think of ideas.  The world seems to be passing by super fast, and I'm just standing still, or I'm just moving slowly.

I am having a meeting tomorrow with someone and I might ask for her advice, because I just don't really know how to handle this anymore.  I've been exhausted at the end of semesters before, but I don't think I've sincerely been this bad.  

Despite my hopes, we did not get a snow day today.  It didn't actually get bad until later on in the day.

So, I decided to bring Callie into work with me.  Both of my discussion sections were very happy to see her, even though we didn't really get a lot of work done...which I was okay with, honestly.  I've been having shitty days on campus; it was nice to have her around to make things better.

And my officemates were happy to see her too.

Though, there was an incident that I am not happy with.

One of the new first years (who is fucking weird as hell, honestly, and I thought this before this occurrence) really hates dogs.  I don't know why, but I really don't care.  Truthfully, I don't trust people who have this level of hatred for dogs.

So, I had decided to go into one of the other offices because I wanted to see if someone was there.  This someone really likes Callie and he has been dealing with a lot of shit and I thought she could cheer him up.  I did not know that first year was in that same office; I thought he was in a different one.  When I walked in with Callie, I assumed everything was okay, because usually that office enjoys her visiting them.  Her being inquisitive and friendly, she likes to go up to people to say hi.  Really, she wants pets and stuff.  Before I really realized who she went up to (she turned a corner around a bookshelf, so I couldn't see), all I heard was someone scream "get away from me," in a very loud and angry tone, and when I looked, I thought for a second he was going to hit her (which...good thing he didn't, because...I would have been arrested given what my reaction would have been).  She came back, and I gave him a nasty glare, to which he just said (still in that angry tone) that he didn't like dogs.

I was so flabbergasted that I didn't really know what to say.

So instead I turn to the only other person in the office (not the person I wanted to see; he ended up going home early due to weather) and start making small talk.  Really, I could have left, but after that reaction I wanted to stay there as long as possible as a silent "fuck you" to that first year.

Really, he needs to get the fuck over it, or deal with it.  We are an incredibly dog-friendly department, and some bitch ass first year isn't going to change that.  Callie helps me with stress and anxiety and depression and he can fuck off if he doesn't like her, because she will be around, and I will allow her to see the people in that office that she enjoys.

I'm really really really hoping classes get cancelled tomorrow.  Not only because I don't want to teach, but because I put it in my head that a snow day would happen and so I did no work for them.  Oops.  I'll get up semi-early to see what the status is and see if I need to speed-prep and stuff.  I'm worried now because it said it was supposed to snow at 9 and its only just kind of started.  But there is all night and tomorrow, so...here's hoping.

I also like snow.  My favourite type of weather/scenery is at night, somewhere dimly lit, and there are those really big flakes that stick to the ground falling somewhat heavily, but also gently, if that makes sense.  And bonus if there is already at least some snow on the ground and nothing has been plowed yet.

I know it is weirdly specific but it just feels...I don't know.  Peaceful.  And everything is beautiful and I get really calm and stuff just watching the snow fall and it is the best and why couldn't that happen tonight wahh.


Nancy told me about a conference she went to that was specifically with women academics and professionals, and she talked about how there was one person on the panel who was very similar to me.  She talked about how disillusioned and disconnected she felt from her department and everything in general, and how she suffered from burnout and eventually allowed herself to not need to do perfect in everything.  And that was the first step for her in terms of being really happy.

Then, a lot of them apparently talked about how they pushed through to get the piece of paper that grants you the 'Dr.' title; that piece of paper gave them more freedom to pursue things that they wanted to do afterwards.  A lot of them decided to do things other than academia, and they skipped around to different things to have new experiences and figure out what their passions truly were.

It was nice to hear, since I'm struggling with that and right now it is the way I'm thinking.  Get the degree and then just...do something different for a while.  Something fun.  Something where I get to explore and find out more things about myself and all that kind of corny shit.  Go off the grid and just...do whatever.  Not nothing.  But something different.

We are supposed to get hit with a huge snowstorm starting tonight/tomorrow morning and I am kind of excite about it.  We're right now in a winter storm watch from tomorrow at 7 am until Thursday sometime.  I'm hoping that this means classes will get cancelled on Wednesday; then I could not have to go to my last discussion sections and that would kind of be absolutely wonderful.

Though I kind of don't want it to be too bad tomorrow, only because I still want to see Nancy and stuff.  But she might not come in due to storm and everything.  I need to check with her tomorrow.  Hopefully then she can see me another day this week.

I also did absolutely nothing after my office hours today besides finally doing some food shopping.  But I kept looking at all the papers I have to grade and just kind of deflating.  Instead I watched Nonstop (always fun to watch Liam Neeson beat the shit out of people) and Despicable Me with roommates.  Yep.

My presentation this morning went decently enough.  Now I need to just write the paper.  Though I was told that it could develop into a dissertation-size project.  So...there's that idea too.

So many things in my head I don't know what to do.

There's this super nice and cute guy who walks his little bichon frise around 8:30 or so in the mornings, it seems.  He always stops and chats with me if and when he sees me walking Callie.  I might need to start taking her out regularly around that time to try and run into him more often.  I think he lives two blocks away from me too.

...It is kind of weird that I am thinking that instead of how I usually react to these things.

So I tried my hardest to push through my shit and I still didn't get as much as I needed to get done finished, but I'm once again at that point where I don't feel anything in terms of caring, even though I know that is because I care too much.

...and once again, I have no idea if that makes sense.  It is difficult to articulate what exactly is going on in my head.

I did look at a lot of things for Christmas still, because I still need to get for some people.  I'm hoping that things will start arriving so I can start wrapping and stuff, which would help me visualize who I have things for and what I have for them and stuff.

Most of my gifts this year are super nerdy and shit.  Hopefully people don't mind that.  A lot of it isn't really things people need.  It is more things I think people will just enjoy.

Hopefully.

Ugh, I just feel awful still.  I wonder if I could go to Nancy at some point tomorrow, even though my appointment is scheduled for Tuesday.  Probably not, knowing what it is I need to do.

I keep telling myself it is almost over but then I think "no, it's not; I still have three huge papers to write for this semester," and then I just want to hide in bed under my blankets forever.

I may have come up with an idea for my class but all I did today was come up with the topic and didn't do anything else with it.  It is going in a totally different direction than I have been looking at, but I guess I can justify it as I'm trying to last-minute explore other areas in an attempt to figure out what the shit I'm actually even interested in anymore.

And despite being tired all day I'm still up at fucking 3 in the morning.  What is going on.

All I keep thinking about is how nice it would be if I just...

Bah, it is a dark thought.

But I will say this thought: I actually said that there is a part of me that almost wants to fail my written comps, only because then I can leave with a master's degree without feeling like I quit.  Unfortunately I know that by doing that I would also end up with feelings of great inadequacy and failure and I'd still be miserable so there's that.

My greatest hope is that the winter allows me to have some sort of break, giving me time to relax and try and figure out what it is I want to do.  Figure out what I'm interested in, read some literature on that, and just do things for me.  Hopefully be a little happier.  And then I'm hoping that the lack of classes in things I know I'm not interested in will bring back the passion I once had.

It is probably sad that the most fun I've been having lately is looking up Christmas gifts for people on storenvy, etsy, and society6.  It is enjoyable and I do like getting gifts but it probably shouldn't be the highlight of my day in the sense that I just constantly keep going back and looking at more stuff.

The first of some gifts came recently:

They're magnets and they look awesome; just like the sprites from the SNES version.  I might need to get more.  And this store got them super quickly and it was sweet.  

I am trying to keep track of all the money I'm spending on Christmas stuff so that I don't go too insane.  I also made a budget so hopefully I'll stick to that.  So far I've been okay.  My sisters and I have decided to do a grab-bag type thing this year, but even with that I decided to get the others that I didn't pick (and my brother-in-laws too) something super small, because...I don't know.  I feel weird about getting them absolutely nothing.  I'm hoping they won't mind I'm going against the rules a little bit. 

Being unable to think of a possible paper topic for something as broad as American Public Policy isn't really doing my self-esteem any favours.

Seriously, I've been struggling with this for too long and I can't really think of anything to write about and it is probably a combination of burnout and disillusionment and the current state of the department and I just want to go home or do something to myself to give myself an excuse not to have to do this.  But then I realize that's not the way I should be thinking about things and then I stare at blank pieces of paper for some more.

I would allow myself to take today off if I didn't need to have this topic by Monday because I'm supposed to do a presentation on it during that class.  Despite, you know, my not even having started or anything.

I could just go up there and show a blank page and be all "this is what I got because I'm a dismal fucking failure."

Heh, that'd be interesting to say the least.

The department is, right now, in this state of weird calm, but with so much tension that if it does not snap at some point soon, I will be very surprised.  People are rightfully pissed off and shocked, and the more I hear about the way the IR comps went, the more suspicious I get.

Part of me wants things to blow up, really.  It might show that there is deep seeded dissatisfaction among the grad students, and that the way things have been going have been really sketchy and weird and I don't know what to even do at this point.

I'm battle with the cynical part of me that says that nothing can be done, with this idea of wanting something to be done because when you fail the best person in one of the cohorts, you should know you fucked up somewhere.

I've been very tired all day and kind of feeling sad and weird and I can't entirely describe it.


Also, in LoK news, I will forever be Kuvira trash and I have zero regrets about this.

So...a lot happened today.

I woke up feeling miserable.  Like I was a zombie and nothing could snap me out of it.  I didn't go to the TA lecture, opting instead to sleep a little more and take a shower (which I needed, but really didn't want to take at all).  I had a doctor's appointment at 11:30, in which we agreed to up the dose for one of my meds, considering how I've been feeling lately.  We got to this idea that I'm dealing almost with a disability, especially after I was asked if I think about self-harm and everything.  When I said yes, between serious injury or worse, I kind of shrugged it off as if it was no big deal.  That I'll think about what I can do to myself to make it so that I could take a break - a real break - from things.  The fact that I'm thinking that way (and have been thinking that way; I'm surprised I haven't done anything, honestly) is probably not good, but I spoke as if it was nothing, like it is just a normal part of my life.

Which it is, unfortunately.

But he told me that I could always contact him, because if the thoughts start manifesting into real plans or actions, I'm going to need more help and someone will need to intervene more.

He did say that I'm dealing with a disability, so it is obviously going to be very difficult; it is just much less visible than a physical disability.  Plus, cultural and personal reasons and stuff make it so that I hide things pretty well and stuff to most people who see me.

I did try going to class regardless of how shitty I felt, but I ended up leaving early.

We all learned that apparently, in the second year cohort, all the people who took the IR qualifying failed it, which makes no sense whatsoever and now everyone is (rightly) pissed off.  And us third years are supporting them, because it sounds suspicious, like it was more about some politics than anything else.  But the people they failed probably should not have failed, especially one in particular, who has always done really good work.

Apparently they want to confront people tomorrow, so that should be interesting, especially since one of the people is our MLE prof, and they want to do it during class.  None of it seems to make sense, so I don't blame them whatsoever.

I just feel like this semester has been a clusterfuck and no one knows what is going on or how we are all being evaluated.  And this recent development also has the third years even more freaked out about the written portion of our comps.

Everything is just going to shit lately.    

The department has been trying to host a series of professionalization workshops/meetings this year, and today's theme was managing and dealing with stress/mental health issues.

A lot of it focused on what we can do when we have students who are stressed and become a possible concern.  Part of me was listening but kind of was thinking how all of the ways we can help them sounds easy but is actually fucking difficult when you are dealing with your own mental issues and are burned out in every possible way imaginable.

Then, after faculty left and we were left with someone from the counseling center (whom I've seen before but never really spoke with often), we were able to talk about our own issues.  One would think that I would find a weird comfort in knowing that I am not alone in my anxieties and fears and all that, but on some level the whole thing just made me more anxious and everything.  We did an activity where we had to write down on big sheets of paper around the room about how we were feeling in different areas/what we do when feeling stressed, and I found that I couldn't write anything down if people were standing nearby.  Despite my trying to tell myself that all these people are feeling similar and will not judge me, I kept thinking about how awful I felt and how I just didn't want people to know things, even though I have shared a lot before.  Perhaps I shared more with them when I was feeling a bit better, but I've gotten into a bad slump again that I haven't been able to pull myself out of.

Or maybe I've just become comfortable in it, in a way.  Feeling incredibly happy just seems like something that is rare and unusual, and my default is to be melancholy, but put on a fake smile and just do shit that needs to be done.  And there are days I try and fight.  I really do.  But then if and when I lose those fights against myself and that inner voice of mine, I just get exhausted from trying to put up a fight again.  It is a vicious cycle.

I did describe my burnout; that I have been unable to get interested in anything and then instead of doing anything productive or fun I instead lay in my bed or on the couch or do stupid mindless shit on my phone or something.  And then I get mad at myself for not doing anything.  Which makes me want to do things even less.

Once, I think my perfectionism fueled me.  Nowadays, it has backfired; maybe it has gotten so extreme, in its own way, that I just tell myself that I can't make it perfect so why bother doing it because either way it is going to be a failure.

And I definitely do that with life shit.

Anything I can't fully control I don't want to really be a part of anymore.  I look at my past relationship: no matter how hard I tried, it was all for nothing.  Why did I even bother trying, if this was to be the end result?  Why bother trying again?  I have no interest in it.  Philosophically, yes, I suppose I am interested, but emotionally I feel dead inside most of the time.

Sometimes I think I am getting better and then I start writing in here and things start pouring out of me and I realize I'm just as fucked up as ever.  I just pretend like I'm not, when I talk to other people.

Maybe I just don't want to even try anymore.  I can't really tell.

Voice

At session today we talked a lot about my anxiety and fears and how my perfectionism fuels all of that and how I need to try and fight against the voice in my head that tells me I shouldn't do things based on that.  Specifically, I was asked why I put way too much effort into things that I just do not care about, such as some of my classes.  Where I tell myself that things need to be perfect, and I said because I don't want to disappoint people; that I'm afraid they will think less of me or something.  I grew up thinking that I always had to try my hardest, and I suppose that manifested into me thinking that my not trying my best to make everything perfect, including things I just don't get anything out of, was indicative of my being a bad or a lazy person.  And so, I've gotten hypersensitive to that sort of judgments and I fear them more than I should.  Even doing things that are meant to be fun have become things I fear starting: because I do not want people to judge me and I am afraid of them doing so, I neglect to sign up for anything that I probably would, deep down, enjoy.

Nancy suggested I write down things when I start becoming anxious about either doing or not doing things.  Such as why I am feeling that way, what it would mean if that fear came true, and what that would in turn mean, and so on and so on.  Eventually, most of the time I will come to the conclusion that nothing terrible is actually going to happen to me.  So, I might start keeping some sort of anxiety log, or something to that nature.

It is easier said than done, for me, and she did acknowledge that.  It is as if I have another person leaning over my shoulder, watching and judging everything I do.  Except that person is always around and is inside my head.  If I want to sign up for something, that person tells me how bad I'll be and how everyone is going to judge me and hate me, which makes me not sign up.  If I don't try super hard on something for whatever reason, even if it is legitimate, and I don't do as well as I think I could have done, that person tells me what a lazy piece of shit I am, and that this is all why I'm going to fail at everything.

That person will, many times, cause me to just lay down and do nothing; nothing productive or fun.  Just mindless crap that wastes time.  And then of course, that person also yells at me for not doing anything.

Basically, it all comes back around to my perfectionism; I'm only allowed to do things if I am already good at them.

Which makes it difficult to be a beginner at anything.

This person has pretty much been around all the time, and has just gotten louder through the years.  To the point now, in grad school, that voice is just deafening sometimes, where I feel like I can't overcome it.  And so, I just succumb to it.

It got especially loud in my relationship and the months after, telling me how much I sucked and how if I was as perfect as the ex always claimed, none of what had happened would have occurred.  It took me forever, it seemed, to tell myself that those remarks weren't correct.  And even still, I sometimes delve into that mindset.  His life being seemingly perfect now has kind of caused that to return, telling me that what happened was partially because of my own personality and issues and I'm a miserable person who can't get over anything and that karma doesn't exist so why bother trying at anything new.

But I guess it was loud during our relationship too; I didn't want to go to anything for fear of judgment and this terrible anxiety that I wasn't good enough at anything.  And then as things got worse, and I tried harder and harder to keep things together, that voice just kept screaming at me...telling me I was doing everything wrong and that I should leave him alone even more and that I was weak for not being able to do everything myself, etc., etc.

I don't think he ever recognized that, fully.  Or if he did, he never really acknowledged it or really tried to help me overcome it.  At least from what I remember.

Maybe the voice is the reason why I still need to remind myself constantly of how bad he really was to me and how much he didn't really seem to care about the health of our relationship.  Because if I start thinking otherwise, that person in my head gets louder, blaming everything on myself, and saying that I'm not worth trying for because of how awful and pathetic I am.

It's hard to fight against an enemy that you've become so comfortable with and who has been with you for years.  Especially when that enemy is yourself.

My first day back was not nearly as productive as it should have been.  Really, I should have been able to finish all my grading today but I just didn't want to read any of those papers.  And then I didn't want to do anything else.  I was productive in the sense that I somewhat cleaned the kitchen and I got some parts of my Christmas gift for my sister and started thinking about who else to get for and what they might like and all that stuff.  I'm probably going to go with a bunch of art and other nerdy as fuck things because all that is way more fun than anything else.

I have my session with Nancy tomorrow, which is good.  Despite having a decent vacation overall, I still am kind of in this weird mood.  Chalk it up to my cynicism and then my thinking about stupid past shit when I really should not be thinking about that.

After concert, my friend brought up the ex, and I just got kind of angry.  Not at her, not at all.  More just that...well, he was mentioned and that brings up memories which brings up feels and all that stuff.  I ended up going on this slight rant to her about how I compare my life to his and it makes me mad because he gets to be all happy and have a girlfriend who loves him and is probably awesome whereas I am depressed most of the time and even mustering up any type of emotion to think about a serious relationship is impossible, really (though that is probably a function both of my depression and grad school and where I live).  The only one that I have been having some kind of feelings towards has been Friend S, who is in a relationship and isn't exactly living in the next town over.  (And even those feelings are subdued; partially in an attempt to protect myself and also because well...I've never been great in that department, and even less so recently.)

Bah, I don't know.  I've just been very confused and angry lately.  ...Though I suppose that isn't too different from normal circumstances.

Got back to Bing around two hours ago.  Not too pleased about that.  I dropped younger sister off in Manhattan first (which was of course a fun experience, but it was nice to have her on the ride up to that point).  

Unfortunately I woke up at around 1 pm, so I'm not tired at all right now.  

The kitty is also super affectionate right now.  It is kind of adorable but also a bit sad; she was super lonely.

I wanted to write more but kitty is cuddling and stuff, which makes typing difficult.  

So...in the morning.