I may have come up with an idea for my class but all I did today was come up with the topic and didn't do anything else with it.  It is going in a totally different direction than I have been looking at, but I guess I can justify it as I'm trying to last-minute explore other areas in an attempt to figure out what the shit I'm actually even interested in anymore.

And despite being tired all day I'm still up at fucking 3 in the morning.  What is going on.

All I keep thinking about is how nice it would be if I just...

Bah, it is a dark thought.

But I will say this thought: I actually said that there is a part of me that almost wants to fail my written comps, only because then I can leave with a master's degree without feeling like I quit.  Unfortunately I know that by doing that I would also end up with feelings of great inadequacy and failure and I'd still be miserable so there's that.

My greatest hope is that the winter allows me to have some sort of break, giving me time to relax and try and figure out what it is I want to do.  Figure out what I'm interested in, read some literature on that, and just do things for me.  Hopefully be a little happier.  And then I'm hoping that the lack of classes in things I know I'm not interested in will bring back the passion I once had.

It is probably sad that the most fun I've been having lately is looking up Christmas gifts for people on storenvy, etsy, and society6.  It is enjoyable and I do like getting gifts but it probably shouldn't be the highlight of my day in the sense that I just constantly keep going back and looking at more stuff.

The first of some gifts came recently:

They're magnets and they look awesome; just like the sprites from the SNES version.  I might need to get more.  And this store got them super quickly and it was sweet.  

I am trying to keep track of all the money I'm spending on Christmas stuff so that I don't go too insane.  I also made a budget so hopefully I'll stick to that.  So far I've been okay.  My sisters and I have decided to do a grab-bag type thing this year, but even with that I decided to get the others that I didn't pick (and my brother-in-laws too) something super small, because...I don't know.  I feel weird about getting them absolutely nothing.  I'm hoping they won't mind I'm going against the rules a little bit.