The reunion yesterday went well, though I did find myself quieter than everyone else, basically.  I'll blame it on my lack of progress and good stories to tell.  But it was nice to see people and hear what others had to say.  I'll admit that sometimes I unintentionally zoned out on people; not because what they were saying wasn't interesting, but more because I was just...being me, I suppose.  How unfortunate.

And today was spent watching more Breaking Bad with the parents.  Both older sisters left so it is back to just four of us in the house, and I'm finding myself - as usual - somewhat bored.  But again - also as usual - I don't exactly know what will satisfy me in terms of relieving my boredom.  I have Dragon Age to play, but I find I don't really want to start it yet (weird, I know).  I have books I could read.  I have time to train Callie some new things if I wanted.  Time to go out places with younger sister or with parents or by myself.

I have time right now.  Time that I have no idea what to do with.  Soon that time will be filled with work and things I need to do, but I can't figure out what it is I want to do in the meantime.  Old hobbies have become tedious to me, it seems, and new ones seem daunting.  In my head, I do a bunch of cool stuff.  But I never actually get around to any of them.  In my head I have tried archery, rock climbing, kickboxing, krav maga, more agility with Callie, snowboarding, music, writing fiction, etc., etc.  All those things, unfortunately, cost money, which I don't have a lot of.  And actually signing up for anything like that is...a big hurdle for me.

I hate the beginning of anything.  I hate being a beginner.  In my own twisted mind, I expect myself to be good the moment I start things, and I get embarrassed by the idea of messing up in front of others.  Even if...that is to be expected, given my status.  Logically, I know that the only way to improve is to mess up, and to encounter people who are better than you.  To observe them and learn from them.  But sometimes I just get discouraged.  "You'll never be able to do something awesome like that."  "You might as well give up now."  "They are laughing at you.  They know that you are terrible and that is all you ever will be."  These are things that the voice in my head tells me.  Every time I start something new or make a mistake or anything.

And I know people tell me that I pretty much need to stop that, but...it isn't that simple.  That voice has always been there.  I don't know why.  It is so automatic that I can't really...stop it.  All I can do is try my best to fight it when it pops up.  But that is more difficult to do on some days than others.  Some days I can fight against that voice quite well.  Others...I don't fight at all.  I can't.


In my boredom I spent too long thinking about past and ex and other stupid things that should no longer be on my mind but unfortunately still linger.