Voice

At session today we talked a lot about my anxiety and fears and how my perfectionism fuels all of that and how I need to try and fight against the voice in my head that tells me I shouldn't do things based on that.  Specifically, I was asked why I put way too much effort into things that I just do not care about, such as some of my classes.  Where I tell myself that things need to be perfect, and I said because I don't want to disappoint people; that I'm afraid they will think less of me or something.  I grew up thinking that I always had to try my hardest, and I suppose that manifested into me thinking that my not trying my best to make everything perfect, including things I just don't get anything out of, was indicative of my being a bad or a lazy person.  And so, I've gotten hypersensitive to that sort of judgments and I fear them more than I should.  Even doing things that are meant to be fun have become things I fear starting: because I do not want people to judge me and I am afraid of them doing so, I neglect to sign up for anything that I probably would, deep down, enjoy.

Nancy suggested I write down things when I start becoming anxious about either doing or not doing things.  Such as why I am feeling that way, what it would mean if that fear came true, and what that would in turn mean, and so on and so on.  Eventually, most of the time I will come to the conclusion that nothing terrible is actually going to happen to me.  So, I might start keeping some sort of anxiety log, or something to that nature.

It is easier said than done, for me, and she did acknowledge that.  It is as if I have another person leaning over my shoulder, watching and judging everything I do.  Except that person is always around and is inside my head.  If I want to sign up for something, that person tells me how bad I'll be and how everyone is going to judge me and hate me, which makes me not sign up.  If I don't try super hard on something for whatever reason, even if it is legitimate, and I don't do as well as I think I could have done, that person tells me what a lazy piece of shit I am, and that this is all why I'm going to fail at everything.

That person will, many times, cause me to just lay down and do nothing; nothing productive or fun.  Just mindless crap that wastes time.  And then of course, that person also yells at me for not doing anything.

Basically, it all comes back around to my perfectionism; I'm only allowed to do things if I am already good at them.

Which makes it difficult to be a beginner at anything.

This person has pretty much been around all the time, and has just gotten louder through the years.  To the point now, in grad school, that voice is just deafening sometimes, where I feel like I can't overcome it.  And so, I just succumb to it.

It got especially loud in my relationship and the months after, telling me how much I sucked and how if I was as perfect as the ex always claimed, none of what had happened would have occurred.  It took me forever, it seemed, to tell myself that those remarks weren't correct.  And even still, I sometimes delve into that mindset.  His life being seemingly perfect now has kind of caused that to return, telling me that what happened was partially because of my own personality and issues and I'm a miserable person who can't get over anything and that karma doesn't exist so why bother trying at anything new.

But I guess it was loud during our relationship too; I didn't want to go to anything for fear of judgment and this terrible anxiety that I wasn't good enough at anything.  And then as things got worse, and I tried harder and harder to keep things together, that voice just kept screaming at me...telling me I was doing everything wrong and that I should leave him alone even more and that I was weak for not being able to do everything myself, etc., etc.

I don't think he ever recognized that, fully.  Or if he did, he never really acknowledged it or really tried to help me overcome it.  At least from what I remember.

Maybe the voice is the reason why I still need to remind myself constantly of how bad he really was to me and how much he didn't really seem to care about the health of our relationship.  Because if I start thinking otherwise, that person in my head gets louder, blaming everything on myself, and saying that I'm not worth trying for because of how awful and pathetic I am.

It's hard to fight against an enemy that you've become so comfortable with and who has been with you for years.  Especially when that enemy is yourself.