On the one hand, while nothing school related was worked on today, I actually was productive in a weird sense.  In house stuff, and also in personal/mental stuff.  Which is good, despite some of my frustration over immediate things.

I took over the house meeting, as I promised I would do, as I had notes about everything I wanted to go through.  First I went through the chores, and talking about how we need a chore wheel/schedule.  I couldn't even get the words "enforcement mechanism" out before roommate J (boyfriend of roommate C; letters make things easy), who is one of the problematic ones, got super nasty with me, saying no immediately and just getting all hostile and gross and shit.  My response was to call that shit out right there; I said that despite what he and roommate C seemed to believe, free-riding was happening without an enforcement mechanism, and that I couldn't believe that any of us - all political science majors - could actually argue that.  As roommate J became more and more nasty, I told him that I did not appreciate his tone and everything; that he wasn't even listening and was being openly hostile and it was for this reason I hate having these meetings.  Roommate C tried to say I was being that way as well, to which I said that the only reason I was being hostile is because I was attacked first, for no reason whatsoever.  And that is how it was; I was reciprocating.  I then said that we all needed to take a deep breath and calm down; we can disagree with stuff, but we need to think about things logically and refrain from getting heated and everything.

So I took a deep breath and said my proposed enforcement mechanism, which was agreed upon because it had involved zero monetary punishments.  It isn't the best, but it is hard to get a monetary punishment with two people so adamantly opposed to it.

I went through the rest of my list of things, being met pretty much with zero resistance, until the rent allocation issue.  Now, I started off saying that I hope this part of the conversation does not get intense and people keep an open mind.  That I believed since we moved in that the rent was unfair, but I never said anything in an effort to avoid confrontation (and also really because I was in a bad place and even though it was unfair to me I said that that didn't matter because what I wanted wasn't important, etc., etc.).  Now, however, I have recognized that I shouldn't be complacent with things that are blatantly skewed in favour of some at the expense of others.  I presented my new rent allocation proposal, which was found via figuring out the square footage of the common space and the bedrooms, and then multiplying those by how many dollars we were paying per foot for the whole house.  Basically, we are paying for square footage; a lot of it is nonnegotiable, but the portion from the rooms changes things.

Roommates C and J, after I explained everything to them, were clearly unhappy.  However, they were quiet, for the most part.  Probably because it is incredibly difficult to argue in the face of numbers like that.  J tried to tell me that he shouldn't have to pay as much for the common space, but I countered that that is his choice, and not a negotiating tool/strategy.  Roommate C then started in on the room sizes and now wants the master bedroom (roommate B's room) since the price is cheaper.  However, Roommate B is unlikely to move, and if that is the strategy they want to go with, he is going to demand that they pay him money for the entire year he was overcharged for that room.  If however, they stay in theirs, we will ignore the fact that he and I paid a disproportionately large amount.

We also got into a tussle when roommate C said something about "living paycheck to paycheck."  I got kind of annoyed, and finally said something I've been wanting to say, and that was about the constant trips and vacations they went on.  That "living paycheck to paycheck" loses its luster after you just returned from Germany/Europe and were planning on going camping that weekend.  I must have struck a nerve, because roommate C yelled at me, saying that I really "needed to mind my own business about that stuff."  I was taken aback, but I said that it is my business when house stuff is not being paid for or rent is being allocated unfairly because of it.  I had to get roommate B to help me with that also; he explained that they were basically picking vacations over house, from what it appears to us.  They kind of shut up after that.  Roommate J explained something to me and (while I believe it was bullshit, probably) I said that that explanation cleared things up a little more and allowed me to understand, and that sometimes that openness is a really good thing.

They said they had to think about it, but honestly if they do not accept this new rent allocation I will believe them selfish and unfair, since this is mathematically the best way to divide up the rent.  Yes, they would be going up a lot, but that is the point of it all, since they were underpaying like crazy.  Also, I hate how they talk like them having less money means they get to pay less, and act as though roommate B and I are sitting on mountains of cash.  I probably have more bills to pay than roommate C (due to car stuff and Callie stuff), and we make the same amount of money.  So the fact that I am better at saving my money than them should not hurt me in the rent allocation.

I did say at one point that we are not merchants, and shouldn't be fighting for the lowest price.  We are friends, and should want the fairest price for all of us.

So yeah, if they don't take this new rent allocation I will be quite unhappy and disappointed in them.


Roommate B's ex-girlfriend apparently keeps messaging her so he has been sad today and I've been trying to do stuff to make him feel less poopy.  Luckily, he is noticing her...crazy, I suppose, and that is good for his healing process.  She's just been not leaving him alone despite that he keeps telling her to, and he told me today that she apparently sent me a facebook message.  Lo and behold, it was in my 'other' box, and it was basically her telling me that I was a horrible person who was a main reason they broke up.  That there was definitely something going on between him and I and that I was terrible for sharing a bed in a hotel room with him.  She basically called me a terrible feminist, saying that "no one who believes in the rights and solidarity of women would do what you did," and stuff.  Meanwhile, she is sitting there pretty much insinuating that I can't have a platonic friendship with him, and that she was convinced he cheated on her with me.

I laughed while reading the whole thing, because so much of it was total bullshit garbage.

She made it so that I couldn't respond to her, which is probably best for her, because I would have just gotten super sarcastic and shit with her.  And linked her to the wambulance video.

But she really is a fucking terrible person and I'm glad roommate B is done with her.

I try to give him advice from experience.

Though from things I've heard, I'd pin his ex as worse than mine.  But there are a lot of parallels with things and how he and I handled everything.

It sucks being unable to fall back asleep despite being tired as shit.

I think I'm too anxious about house meeting and how it will go.

Damn, why is it so difficult to live with people? Especially some of the people I'm living with? I just...don't like it.

When you play Fire Emblem all day, although it will be fun, you will end the day with a monster headache from staring at the screen so much.

Hopefully though, this will force you to sleep prior to 3 in the morning, and get a working sleep schedule back on track for the semester, which starts in a few days.

Also, I decided I'm going to try and figure rent out in the most mathematical way possible.  Started by measuring my own room and getting the square footage.

The two roommates I've been complaining about actually did stuff, but it was only because other roommate, who was out with one of them last night, laid into him pretty heavily after he apparently decided to read the text message conversation he and I were having about things, which basically included me being all "yo, we need house meeting even though it will probs get heated and shit."

So I thought we were gonna do house meeting today, but two problematic roommates decided to run off to...I don't know where, honestly.  But they didn't get back until 10:30 and at that rate I was not in the mood at all to have meeting, and I was kind of annoyed that they did that but it was unsurprising to me.

I'm also going to come up with a chore spreadsheet, I think.  Because I want this shit to be official and everything.

Finally committed myself to donating Cornelius, who is unfortunately still sitting in the garage.  Submitted a form to get someone to come tow him and donate him to the local humane society (it was the most local I could get; I wanted to do the shelter Callie came from but I don't think they accept cars and I couldn't figure out the best way to get him to them).  They should call me tomorrow at some time and then hopefully Friday they will come get him.

I also wrote up three pages of notes for a house meeting I would like to have, because when I say I am about to snap on two of the three roommates, I fucking mean I am about to snap.  They do pretty much nothing without being told, and then at the past meetings they always voted against an enforcement mechanism (probably knowing full well they would be penalized, and despite being political science majors and knowing that shit is necessary to curb free-riding and shit).  Other roommate and I do the vast fucking majority (probably 90+ percent) of stuff around the house.  Meanwhile, especially in the bathroom, I make the least amount of mess.  It is bullshit.  And then the other two seem to get a fucking attitude whenever it is brought up that they didn't do something and I want to strangle people.

They all still keep lights on when they do not need to be, despite me saying so many times not only that that is a pet peeve of mine, but it is just wasting money.  It if figuratively burning money directly from our wallets and if they don't start turning shit off I'm going to start demanding to pay less than 1/4 the energy bill, because this shit is insane and unfair and bullshit.

Rent-wise, the allocation of payment is not fair at all: the two roommates who do nothing pay the least amount each (they like to pool it together as if they are paying both their amounts as one person, which is a highly manipulative way to make other roommate and I feel like we are "overcharging" or something).  My room is only around 1 square foot larger than theirs, or something, yet I pay 30 dollars less than double each of their rents.  Money is always a huge issue between us, because one roommate likes to lament how he has no money and his room is so small, etc., etc.  But my room just seems bigger because I am smarter with my furniture, and everything I have is more compact.  In reality, my room isn't that much larger to justify me paying so much more.  It is ridiculous and I am going to finally stand up for myself in that department.  I do not care if feels get hurt (which is what other roommate constantly worries about, but I have come to accept it as an inevitability due to personalities involved); it isn't fair and he can tell me it is all he wants.  But if he thinks it is fair the way it is, then that is fucked up.

I'm hoping I can deliver these messages in a less angry way than I am here and stuff.  But I am about to go insane and I find lately that I don't even really want to hang out with the two irresponsible roommates and that they both annoy me quite easily lately.  Not that this is surprising or unfamiliar.  I just wish I didn't live with spiritual preteens who need to be told what to do every fucking day.


For my eventual lunatic playthrough on Awakening, I'm already trying to figure out the best 1st-gen pairs to get the strongest 2nd-gen kids.  Because video games are serious business.

I'm having weird body-image issues going on.

I feel like I can never recognize what is healthy: right now I've been feeling bloated and gross and like I'm getting bigger than I am comfortable with, but other people tell me I've been looking more physically fit and buffer, especially in my arms.

And I haven't been able to be satisfied, hunger-wise.  It is weird; a year ago I could eat one meal a day and be fine all day, and lately I've been unable to feel full without overdoing it, it seems.

Plus, due to not feeling well in the past few days, I have not worked out and that always sucks when I'm feeling this way.

forgotten post

I love that I can go to my adviser and tell him that while I read the books he gave me, I did not really work on my comps paper over the past few weeks, as I was at home and it is difficult to get in the zone at home and all, but I was able to get through all five of A Song of Ice and Fire, and his response is basically "oh that is okay, just try and do stuff this week, and that is awesome you finished all five, let's talk about that."

And then we talk about Game of Thrones for more than a few minutes.

Nice.


Also I had a nightmare that my oven blew up and it was awful.

---

So I started this in the afternoon and never posted it so I guess I'll add to it now with new shit.

For some reason I became extremely sad and just didn't want to do anything later on in the day.  Really, with the perpetual headache that has lasted for more than a few days now, lack of sleep, frustration with watching roommate's pup, and seeing and having to deal a little bit with former guy, I guess things caught up with me emotionally.  And there is the problem of me having been slacking on taking my medication (due to the fact that I was feeling okay for a while and just general laziness about getting back to the pharmacy...both of which I know are bad, especially the former).  

Roommate went away for some tennis thing and so I'm watching his pup, and I am happy to do so since he has watched Callie for me numerous times.  However, it does not make it...less frustrating.  I cannot really complain, due again to him doggiesitting many times for me, but whereas Callie does not seem to make trouble for him, Murray tends to be...well, Murray.  He is very much a punk, in that he likes to do whatever he wants to do and has little to no remorse about it most of the time.  When he does something bad, I do tell him to stop, and he does...for some time, and then goes back to it afterward.  And despite being a year old, he still has constant accidents in the house; he had two yesterday after roommate left, and none today only because I feel like I let him out to pee every 3 hours (or less).  Plus he just...barks.  At everything.  And nothing.  And his bark is high-pitched, since he is smaller.  Normally, this only mildly annoys me, but when I have a days-long headache and few hours of sleep, that mild annoyance turns into full-blown aggravation.  Part of me blames his behaviour on the first few months after he was brought home, when he was learning stuff and was able to get away with everything, partly, I think, because roommate was not so attentive to him (depression-based and stuff).  And now, despite that roommate seems to be trying, he also seems to kind of like Murray acting out in such ways?  I dunno; I think he thinks it is kind of cute because it is Murray's personality.  And sometimes for me it is as well, I will not lie, but only in small doses.

...Maybe I just really miss being alone with Callie.  Plus again...headaches make me less tolerant of everything.

Also, today I had a small encounter with former guy.  It wasn't anything big, really, but it just kind of shows me that he still wants to talk to me despite my not wanting him to?  I went into his office because one of his cohortmates (the new president of the department) asked me to drop something off.  But president wasn't there; I asked a different second-year if he would be back and stuff, and former guy kept wanting to answer, but I kept ignoring him.  I still have zero desire to talk with him or anything, and I do not want him thinking otherwise, to be perfectly honest.  While I will say I don't think about him that much (/at all, most of the time) anymore, when I do think about it, I still get angry, and so I really just want nothing to do with him.

Hopefully he took the hint.

But...yeah.  Sadness kind of took over my afternoon and evening, and even my walk with the pups seemed like a crazy amount of effort.  Hopefully tomorrow will be different.  It might be a good idea to go refill my prescriptions, finally.  And I should email Nancy and tell her I'm back and snag a weekly spot with her during the school year before others start making appointments.

Although I have been thinking a lot less about the past lately (which I honestly, as I have said before, can't tell if it is a mix between getting over things more or being thoroughly distracted from it), I still sometimes find myself wondering about things.  Sometimes it is about big things, of which I talk about frequently.  But other times it is little things.  Things that cross my mind in passing, or things I find myself missing despite everything that has happened.  

Earlier today, after putting one of my new shelves up, I took wolfy and stared at him for a second before placing him up there.  In reality, I probably should not have.  Later, when I was showing roommate my progress, he took wolfy and started kind of 'aww'-ing and saying that he was going to keep it and I just laughed sheepishly and stuff.  Normally, when he jokes about things like that I also jokingly get very "NO >8(" but instead this time I just laughed.  I got nervous, for some reason.  Part of me wanted to say "yes, please, take him away from me," but the other part of me wanted to respond in that normal joking manner.  Instead, I just became uncomfortable.  I don't think I ever told him where wolfy came from.  And if I did and he ever asked me why I still had him I would probably just shrug.  I just can't seem to get rid of him. 

And then sometimes I start wondering what things would have been like if shit didn't go down the way it did.  Or even if ex was actually the person I thought he was.  How things would have looked in a more...perfect world, so to say.  Would we still be together, or was our separation inevitable?  Thinking about things like that scares me.  I don't want to think what would happen in a "perfect world," as that thought process has steered me down dark alleys before, and I do not care to so casually revisit them.  

I've become more content with being alone, oddly.  Or perhaps I have just become used to (comfortable with, even) my loneliness and distrust for people.  Callie is really who I want to spend my days with.  If I could, I would be down with my parents still.  When I'm on the Island, I tend to not really hang out with anyone other than family.  Sometimes I will see a friend here or there, but most of my high school friends (the ones I actually still talk to, I mean) are in other places now.  I feel bad sometimes...I feel like I should want to be more social, but I just...it is exhausting, a lot of times.  And meeting new people if kind of out of the equation, or at least is has been lately. 

Man, I don't know.  I'm probably just being stupid. 

I've been in the process of redecorating. Still not completely done, as I still have prints with no frames (gotta run back and get more) and so don't wanna put them up yet. My shelves are...questionable, but I tried. They aren't holding much anyway.

As you can see, I am a huge fucking nerd. It is awesome and I'm so much happier with this already.

Also listening to some World/Inferno on vinyl. Fabulous.

I may have made a terrible mistake by picking up Fire Emblem again.  Not only did I decide to start a new file, but I also decided that it would be a good idea to buy all the DLC stuff and start playing around with that.  You know, just because.  Let's forget (or completely ignore) the fact that I came back up to Bing earlier than I wanted (though later than I should have, if I am being completely honest with myself) in order to be more productive.  Nope.  Fire Emblem sucks you in and does not let go once it is started.  I love it.

Speaking, I'll need to make sure I keep an eye on Shin Megami Tensei x Fire Emblem, which is in production right now.  I have not played any of the former, but FE is one of my favourite series, really, so I'll keep an eye out.  I think it is going to be for the Wii U, which is...honestly good, if only because it gives me another title that I really want for that system.  I was starting to get worried that I would want to buy it only for the new Smash (which is...true), but if I have a few games lined up for it that I want, then I will feel less guilty if and when I get it.  I do plan on getting the 3DS version of Smash also, but I feel like the "real" version is going to be console.

...Is it bad that all I'm thinking about is video games even though comps are this semester and I have not really done much with respect to that?

It probably is.


I feel like serious things should be posted about soon: I can't tell if I am legitimately not thinking about things because I'm over shit or if I am just pushing things away and avoiding talking about them.  Hmm.

Eeeee thunderstorm!

Love it.

Kind of wish I had someone to cuddle right now though.

Nope.  No getting sad.

I finally started putting my prints up in my room; after getting some frames, I was able to get a few up, but I still have a lot more left sitting around.  So I'll need to get more frames in order to put them up.  It remains to be seen whether or not I will have enough wall space but...oh well.  Eventually I'll have room for them, even if it is only in a few years when I get a house and stuff.

Also, I finally started using my record player!  Sitting here listening to World/Inferno and wondering what would be the best idea in terms of handing vinyls/having them available for playing and everything.  I think it might make sense to maybe just hang the outside art and then maybe get a box and put the actual records (in their sleeves) in there for easy access.  Though again, this comes with the issue of wall space and all.  I might get rid of or move around some posters I already had hanging up in order to make room for things.


Tried going to doggie park today, but was only there for about 20 minutes, since it started pouring.  I didn't mind the rain, and stayed in it for a bit; once lightning started, however, playtime was done.  Maybe tomorrow I will try again and see what happens.

Also, I want my new team for Fire Emblem to be amazing, and so my plan for this round is to actually research how the stats for the kids and stuff works, instead of just going on who I like with who.  My previous avatar married Chrom, which is great for Lucina, but she can also get super badass with someone else, and Morgan can become stupid good if I have my avatar marry one of the future people instead.  That way he will inherit four skills instead of just two.

...Yes, this shall take up more of my energy than working.  Shut up.

Once again, instead of doing work, I - after initially waking up at 8:30 and taking Callie out for a walk before going back to sleep - woke up at 1:30 in the afternoon, and then proceeded to go shopping for several things that were needed.

When I got home, I then decided I wanted to play Fire Emblem, including starting a new character.  You know, ignoring all the other games I have that I have still yet to play.  But Awakening is just so fucking good and Lucina is my girl and all that.  I can't wait to try her out in the new Smash, seriously.

Got roommate two ps4 games for birthday/watching Callie for a while.  I swear, I have no idea how he and I are going to get anything done with all these things we keep playing.

Oh well.

Photo Album

So I received my commission of Euphie and Cornelia (it is so cute omfg), and I wanted to print it, as well as maybe some other photos.  Head into snapfish, and try and remember if I have an account there.  Realize I do, with an old email.

First and only album I used it for: me and the ex.  I think I ended up using something else in the end, but I remember originally going to this site to try and create a photo album for our first anniversary.  

Ha.

Haha.


Let's just delete this account altogether.  I'll start a new one.


I hate that I wrote so much cute shit in that thing for him.  And the 'wishing for many more years together.'  You know.  All that nonsense.  He probably wouldn't even remember it anyway.

You know, as much as I dislike coming back to Bing due to the inevitable stress it brings, it is nice to return to a roommate happy to see me and another pup and a kitty who are excited I'm back.

Speaking of the kitten, she has not left my room, which is unusual at night. Looks like she might stay on here! I'll keep the door propped just in case she wants to leave.

Also, biggest letdown ever: wanting to listen to Disney movie songs, and then after getting excited upon seeing radio Disney as an xm channel, soon finding out that it is just a bunch of tween pop stuff. Sad times were had.

Tired. Sleepy time is now.

About to head back to Bing.

Boo.

But I did catch up on Korra and let me just say this: season 3 is fucking legit and awesome.

Can't fall asleep, since my dad woke me up today at 1:30, wondering if I was okay.

Don't really know why I keep oversleeping so much.

My original plan was to head home, but sleeping so late kind of ruined those plans...not that I am complaining.  Truthfully I have very little desire to head back to Bing.

But I should, otherwise I won't get any work done.  And that shit is piling up.

More Kurisu pics

tmi

Sometimes I just want to find someone super hot and bring them back to my room with me and then kick them out in the morning.

But I know that would never satisfy me.

It gets frustrating.

Perfection

After waking up at 1:30 in the afternoon for no good reason whatsoever, I spent pretty much the rest of the day reading A Dance with Dragons, as I am not only super into it, but I also kind of want to finish it before heading back to Bing.  Mostly so that I then have no reason to neglect my work anymore...besides the video games and such which await me, of course.  But I will sit on those for now.


There was some terrible terrible person on tumblr telling a woman who was contemplating suicide to do it and that because she hadn't she was just attention whoring.  For some reason I looked through all of this and it kind of hit me really hard.  I would say I am in a much better place now than I was several months ago, and if that sort of person came to me and said things like that...I really don't know what would have happened.  Luckily, the woman with depression was consoled by friends and stuff, and people are flocking to report that one user and get her hopefully blocked.

It was all really unsettling, though.  It reminded me of when I felt pushed towards that edge, thinking of how worthless I felt, and how terrible everything seemed.  How graduate school had sucked the life from me, and the ex had just shown me how pathetic I was and how replaceable I am.  That despite saying how fucking special I was, I wasn't.  It was all lies.

All that, coupled with my own self-loathing, drove me to that edge, and I wanted nothing more than to take the step off some days.

Once I met her, Callie became the biggest reason I did not take the step.  Really, even before I met her, she was.  I would tell myself that I wanted to experience life with a dog.  With an animal companion, whom I would trust more than most humans.  Really, to some people I downplay exactly how much she saved me, and it is really only because they did not know how dark my thoughts had become.  But I cannot stress enough how much she means to me.  I care more for her than myself, really.  That remark worries some people, when I say it, but it is so very true.  I continue to hate myself some days.  Other days I dislike myself, and on good days I actually care for myself.  But even on good days I do not see myself in the same light as her.  Or most animals, really.  But especially her.

Sometimes, in my dreams or my fantasies, when the ex and I meet, she is there to save me again.  She dislikes him, distrusts him, growls and barks at him...despite loving practically everyone, she does not like him.  In my dreams, anyway.  In real life that would not happen, most likely.

Where ex tossed me aside and - despite all he has ever said to me - showed me how unwanted and unimportant I truly was in the end, how replaceable and such, Callie was the one to show me that perhaps I did have value.  She has never greeted anyone with the same enthusiasm as me.  When I leave even for a little bit, she looks sad.  Even when I leave her with people she loves - my parents or my roommate, for example - she apparently still looks for me and is sad that I am not around.  Every car door she hears has her at the window searching for me.  Every time she hears my name, she is up, looking to see where I am.  No one else receives that behaviour.  And she did not do anything like that for her previous owners, from my understanding.  If I left her, she would be sad and alone again, at least in her mind.  I could never do that to her.

I was thinking about something the other day.  The fact that I always saw myself as replaceable, and the fact that the ex always yelled at me for thinking things like that, basically.  He said I was unfair for thinking that, and that I could not be replaced, etc., etc.  But he always blamed me, essentially, for thinking that.  Never once did he look behind the curtain to reveal what that thought really said.  "I am so worthless, that you took a month to find someone new.  You don't miss me, because I am terrible and anyone is better.  I am replaceable, because I am not special.  I never was.  You made me think that I might have been, but you were wrong."  He never really seemed to acknowledge my own self-esteem issues, though.  I don't know if he just did not see them, or he did not want to see them.  Or he was so blinded by his own shit that he could not deal with my own, and chose to ignore them.  When things ended, everything was blamed on me.  Even though he said (and probably would still say) otherwise, it was always my fault.  My feelings were unfair to him, even though he lied to me.  Even though he told me one thing when he broke up with me, and then did things that contradicted everything he had said.  And every time he told me that I was at fault, I just felt worse and worse.

Sometimes, I wonder if he ever really saw me.  He always described me as 'perfect,' which was probably the worst thing he could say to me.  I'm a perfectionist, and perfection is what I strove for most of the time (even if I would be unwilling to say that).  If I was perfect, he would not have left.  That makes no sense, in my mind.  No, I don't think he ever really saw me.  Maybe I'm wrong, and him seeing me contributed to him leaving...I don't know.  Despite that he and I did talk about why he left, I still do not believe his story, really.  How could I, with all the lies he has ever told me?

It is probably strange that I sometimes still think about these things so deeply.  I really only discuss them with Callie, in my head, with Nancy, or here.  I know Nancy tells me that there is no timeline for healing, and despite that I often do not think I've made much progress, I am doing so much better than I once was.  But I still find it...frustrating.  Knowing me, it isn't too unusual.  Hell, I'm still mad about my senior year's Mock Trial team being robbed of our state championship (fuck that judge, seriously; he didn't know how to score us at all and it is bullshit still).  But...it is frustrating to continue to think about this so much.

Then again, only ever having loved one person in my life in such a way, I suppose it is not too strange?  Maybe?  My mind does sometimes run to my flame from the CONA conference, actually.  I wonder what he is doing and I wish him the best, still sad that we lost contact.  I could see myself loving him if we had been given a chance.  Perhaps not reciprocated, but me to him, yeah.  Perhaps what I felt was the beginnings of love.  I don't know.  So is it that unusual that I do think about the one person I felt that deep emotional attachment and romantic connection with?  Even though those thoughts are filled with questions and anger and hurt and all those things.

I remember when ex and I were together and he asked me if I had ever been in love before him.  I told him no, and that surprised him greatly.  Love - that romantic, emotional love - does not come easily to me, as I have said before (and it will probably come less easily to me now).  Hell, even friendship has been hard to come by lately.  Most people I regard with suspicion nowadays.  The friends I have I do not stay in contact with as much as I should, and the friends I could make I keep at a distance.  And then lately those I have tried to become friends with have betrayed me in some manner.

So love is...fascinating to me, in a way.  And when it took a hold of me, truly, it held on tightly.  So tightly that it left a mark that refuses to fade away.  It is rather annoying.

I know I say all these things to try and justify to myself that continually thinking about this is not as terrible as I usually believe it to be.  Really, I'm also writing them because they are the thoughts battling against my self-hatred, which tells me that I am a pathetic little girl who can't let shit go.  And I promised I would at least try to fight against such self-hating thoughts.  A lot of times, the more positive ones don't win, but sometimes they come out on top, or at least put up a good fight.

And so I write them.  Acknowledge them.  Try to strengthen them.

So I finished through 2006 for Namibia and have been allowed to pass 2007-2013 on to someone else, since I am technically at my end in terms of hours/weeks on this coding project.  Which - although I am very pleased with the payments and everything - I am very grateful for.  I truly think I spent more than 20 hours a week on the project for a lot of the weeks, and so it kind of sucked up my time and energy.  Hopefully now that I do not need to worry about that, I can turn my focus to my own projects, and what I would like to do with them and start planning future ones.

I should figure out when I need to head back to Bing.  I'm thinking Sunday, so I could have at least one more weekend with the parents before I need to go back and not see them for a while.

Also I need to get on getting tickets to visit best friend in Wisconsin.  While it is more expensive to leave right out of Bing, it might be a better idea than having to go down to my parents to leave from Long Island or JFK or something, which will cost money and time.  And I'll double-check schedule and stuff to make sure, and then double-check with her to make sure I can show up.  It will unfortunately be a work week for her, but that is okay because it will let me get stuff done while she is working.


I feel weird.  I don't really know why, but I do.  I have no idea what I want right now, but I know I'm yearning for something.

It's weird.

Stop it.

A friend I met at my second year of Otakon has been going through some deep depression and has been hospitalized due to suicidal thoughts and everything.  I know it is not much, but I want to send her an arpakasso alpaca plushie.  We used to joke about llama faces because during our first Ota meet (which we met because I was cosplaying Russia and she was America, both from Hetalia) she was drawing and drew something akin to that and then made the funniest face I ever saw and I could not stop laughing.  And she just kept doing it all weekend and each time I almost cried from laughing too hard and every time I tried to do it I would just crack up and that made her laugh.

An alpaca is not necessarily a llama but it is close and these plushes are so fucking adorable.  Again, I know it isn't much, and doesn't exactly say everything that maybe should be said or what she would want to hear but...maybe it will be nice.  Maybe it will make her smile at least for a little bit, and help her think about how much we laughed during that weekend.

I'll look through some tabs I have open tomorrow.


Unrelated: been having those weird 'what if' scenarios rolling around in my head and wondering about the meeting that never happened.

Whatever.  It doesn't matter now.

I feel sad today.  And lethargic.  And while I keep telling myself I should work and I need to code and I really need to work on stuff for comps and everything...I don't have the energy to actually do any of that.  Exercising also seems like an almost impossible task right now, but perhaps if I tried to do a little bit, I would feel better?

I ought to figure out when I need to head back up to Bing, but I really don't want to think about that at all right now.  I should shoot for this weekend at the very latest, truthfully.  But it might be difficult forcing myself to go up there with as little work done as I have completed.  Bah, I am terrible at this whole grad student thing.  I really really am.

Man, this is frustrating.  You would think that two weeks of vacation would have made me more relaxed and happier and I guess it did for a little bit.  But now it all seems to be turning around and I already feel...constricted, I suppose.  Everything seems stiffer all of a sudden.

Really, I should stop whining and just do shit.

...Ugh, I know I am supposed to fight against thoughts like that but right now I can't really help it much.

...Maybe exercise will help.  Maybe.  If I can bring myself to do it.

Namibia is proving to be quite the pain in the ass to code.  I only got through 2005 today, with 23 coded protests, which is more than any I have encountered so far in one year.  And I looked ahead at 2006 and it looks like that pattern is going to continue.  I could always just ask my professor about handing it off to someone else, as I believe I might be pretty much out of hours in terms of work on this project.  But I also said I would try to finish it as best I could.

Then again, every day coding is another day I am not doing my own stuff, which is what I really want and need to do at this point.


I've felt weird the past few days.  Maybe my skipping days of medication during cruise and Otakon have set me back in terms of stuff.  And all this talk about depression and suicide in the news (RIP Robin Williams) has me in this weird funk, despite knowing how important it is for those things to be discussed.  I'm back to not really wanting to do anything, though I force myself to do work.  The seemingly neverending coding does not help my mood whatsoever, since it is not at all what I would like to actually be working on right now.  But even my actual work probably would not satisfy me.

Being home with my parents does help alleviate some of these feelings (/lack thereof) at least.  Both of them always say that they miss having me home and that I could stay home as long as I wanted/needed.  Sometimes I can't understand why, because I feel like I just sit around working or watching television and not doing anything constructive.  But that is my own brain talking about myself and going back to those thoughts of worthlessness that pop up.  It is unfortunate that they have not really gone away; they have been fended off for a while due to distractions in the form of vacations and A Song of Ice and Fire and things, but as the school year creeps closer, they return again.  Yelling at me for not doing enough work, which of course makes me want to work even less than I am.  And then my weight gain, which should be seen as a positive, as I was getting dangerously underweight for a while.  But rather than being happy about that, I need to battle against this inner voice telling me that I need to stop eating or I need to exercise way more than I am.  Despite that my parents told me that they could tell I have been working out (especially in my arms apparently), I never see my results in the same fashion.  It is never good enough, really.  No matter what I do.

And those seemingly antithetical emotions of being both incredibly lonely and wanting nothing more than to be left alone have resurfaced.  Really, it would be more accurate to say they seem to have strengthened again, whereas for a little bit they were more subdued (and the 'wanting to be left alone' side was a bit stronger, making it easy to just run away to books and work).  Then I get sad, and thoughts of the ex and the past pour into the forefront of my mind.  Dreams still happen more than I would like, and my brain is fond of making up bizarre future scenarios between us that would never actually happen.  And my imagined response to his presence constantly changes depending on my mood and how low my self-esteem is that day.

I do like that he seems to be fading somewhat, but I do not like when I have relapses in this way.  After having two weeks where I did not think about him or things as much as usual (with exceptions for some days), it is frustrating to return to this whole 'well, what if this were to happen' state of mind.

And I hate the lonely feeling, and I blame it on being with my sister and her husband and my friend and her boyfriend over the weekend.  Plus, it was at Ota, so of course I thought of 2011 Ota briefly before telling myself to stop and heading to artist alley to look at pretty pictures.  At least I have been able to fight off those lonely feelings more often with realistic thoughts: it would not make sense for me to have any sort of relationship right now given what I am doing; I have so little energy to expend for myself as it is, why would I want to spend it on someone else; having to worry so much about someone else will just cause me extra stress; etc.

But then there are times at night or during the day if and when I am sad and I just want to cuddle with someone, as corny as that fucking sounds.  I hate admitting that, really.  It sounds like weakness to me.  Luckily, there is always Callie to cuddle with, and at this rate I trust her more than any human with the exception of a select individuals (of which she is then on an equal playing field).

I've just had a lot of thoughts recently.

Alright, I have a headache right now so this might end up being shorter than I would like.  We'll see.

We got back from Ota last night; my sister drove most of the way back since I was extremely tired and was falling asleep while at the wheel.  I found a rest stop and we switched and I basically slept the rest of the way home (which was good, since we were in traffic for most of Jersey because fuck Jersey).  I unfortunately did not wear my costume yesterday (truthfully I did not wear it as much as I would have liked, so I might recycle it next year or for something else), but I was able to buy a fuck ton of prints.  And I did request a commission from someone; a chibi CG Cornelia and Euphemia from Code Geass because I adore them way too much for my own good.

Reunion with undergrad friends was nice; we went out to this place I'd never been to and was actually not crowded.  We sat and nommed and talked about our work and what we've been up to and everything.  He is a lot of fun.  Sometimes I am tempted to ask him about ex, but that would be...both weird and stupid.  He was ex's best friend in undergrad, though sometimes I wonder if he now talks to me more than him?  And for as much as I think about ex and how much he invades my dreams at night and thoughts in the day, outside of this blog and Nancy and a few choice individuals, I do not really talk about him much.  Sometimes I will allude to him or tell a story here or there but the people I choose to talk about him with are few, and I've been trying to do so less and less in order to put off this vibe that it does not bother me anymore.

After our dinner, we split again so they could make a panel and then later on, little sister and I got in line for a panel set to start at 1:00 in the morning.  Unfortunately there was no room clear in between that one and the one before it, so we had to sit through that as well, and anything that starts with "if you are offended by rape and sexual assault you might want to leave now" is always going to be fantastic (./extreme sarcasm mode).  So sister and I just made jokes the whole time and I played Zelda and got a lot of streetpass and wished I had Fire Emblem with me instead and all that stuff.  The panel we actually wanted to sit in on was well worth the wait through that.

Cons sometimes bring out bad stuff in my mind though.  Usually self-doubt/self-consciousness at the forefront.  I do not believe I have a good face/body/whatever for cosplay, and even things I am proud of I have been able to criticize immediately and always compare myself to the best person I see wearing that outfit.  Rip van Winkle was probably my favourite cosplay to date and I still know that a big reason is due to the gun prop, which I did not even make.  So even when I'm good with the outfit, I'll see pictures and tell myself that my face doesn't fit the character and I'm not pretty enough or in shape enough to be a cosplayer or whatnot.  But I keep doing it because I actually enjoy it at the same time.  It is a weird dichotomy, if that makes any sort of sense.

Plus, as I experienced with the cruise and have experienced for a long time now, high levels of excitement just do not seem to sit with me anymore.  I am excited in name, and I do at least feel some of that when I go to things (which is a huge improvement since last year), but not as much as I wish, if that makes sense.  Plus, I go through weird modes where I am surrounded by people and I want the exact opposite of that and so that is extremely inconvenient.

Then of course, unnecessary stress.  Many people take con-going as serious business, and...well truthfully I was one of those.  But I have become less tolerant of stressful things during contime, so when my brother-in-law is running around taking everything way too seriously and just acting like a genuine asshole for practically the entire weekend, I am going to be annoyed.  I managed to get away from him as much as possible, and the other times when I couldn't and he was being a dick, I called him out on it if I felt it appropriate and/or necessary.

But other than that, Ota 2014 was a success and was enjoyable.  It went by incredibly fast, and I already am thinking about cosplay options for next year.  (Right now, geass-controlled bloody Euphie has been in my mind.)  I might take pictures of my prints, and I am going to actually try to put them up and stuff.  Might do what older sister does and get cheap frames so the actual print does not get damaged.  Whee.

Fixed my wig. Wig game is stronger now. Huzzah.

Kurisu

Is a go! Also found an Okabe. He was a sweetie.

So we have made it down to Baltimore, and were able to check in, park, and eat.  All of these things were done by around 7:00, leaving what I thought would be plenty of time for us to get our badges, and then for friend to finish the detailing on my shirt.

Cue it being midnight, and we are still waiting in line after officially getting in it at 7:20, without badges.  We are then informed that it is because shit crashed, and nothing else will be able to happen tonight.  Luckily, we were able to get passes allowing us to jump the line at any time tomorrow, but it is still bothersome that we don't have our stuff now even after waiting for over four hours.

They tried to do something different, and in doing that they fucked everything up.  I have never waited this long for my badge; I think the longest I ever waited was the first year I went, and that was when I had to wait on Friday.  Every other year has been really quick on Thursday, so I have no idea what they did wrong and why.

Hopefully tomorrow everything will run smoothly, though I am disappointed that I won't be able to just get my costume on and go.  Though I suppose I could always wait.  I was never a person that had to get up immediately and go to early panels or anything.  Truthfully I could wait until noon if I really wanted.  It depends.  Maybe I'll just go without costume in the morning and put it on starting in the evening.

We shall see.

Also a friend from undergrad (not the one here in Baltimore at the moment) messaged me asking if I would room with him for another person from undergrad's wedding and I could tell he felt really bad when I told him that I wasn't invited.  I tried to reassure him, saying that the groom and I were never very close (in fact, I actively disliked him for a time because he fucked over college roommate and I always thought he was unnecessarily arrogant and obnoxious).  He then was jealous when he realized I was in Baltimore for Ota; I told him he should think about coming one year and that he would always be welcome in our room.

Sans wig and blue detailing on shirt, both of which shall occur tomorrow/Friday. Seems meh to me right now and that might be because those things still aren't there so I'm hoping I'll be a bit happier with it when it is all together. Also the boots aren't perfect but that's alright, I suppose. They are close enough.

Also feeling less guilty now since I told friend I would reimburse her whatever money she is losing from not driving all of us now. She really appreciated and told me to not feel bad and stuff. I just don't want her to lose money so all is good now!

So there was a gigantic mis-communication and misunderstanding about the ride to Baltimore and now I am driving myself, my friend, and my sister down instead of going with my other friend and her boyfriend and I feel absolutely horrible right now.  I hate it when people back out last minute on me, and now I have turned around and done that exact same thing and despite that this is better for me and will in the end be less stressful for myself and my parents, I still feel like I screwed a friend over and I hope she isn't too mad at me.

Originally, I thought she was going to be coming down from Boston.  She would take the ferry down the Island, and pick us up at one of our houses.  At least, up until the other day, this is what I had thought.  Turns out she is coming down from Albany, and asked us if we could meet her further out.  When we started thinking, it turned into us meeting her in Jersey, meaning that our parents would need to drive us out and then pick us up from that place on Sunday.  But then some things came up for my parents, and us getting out there suddenly became a bigger deal.

Then, I became confused when she told us that her boyfriend wanted to leave on Sunday at around 8 in the morning.  However, I usually stay until around 2 or 3 in the afternoon on that last day, and the idea of leaving that early kind of annoyed me.  This was news to me, and I had been operating under the assumption that we would have some time to do things on Sunday.

So, I regrettably had to tell her that due to being unable to get rides out to the meeting place (and also due to the supposedly 8 am leave time, though I left that unsaid) that I would just drive the Long Island people there.

I'm trying to tell myself over and over that this is best for myself and I need to think about that sometimes but I just feel like a huge scumbag who is screwing over a friend and I hate it and I'm a piece of shit.

I did text her saying that I will still pay for my share of her ride, and I might just tell my sister and friend to do the same, and only ask for like...10 instead of 40 from them myself.  I just feel terrible, and at least knowing that she doesn't lose money (or at least only losing a minimal amount) will be better, I guess.

...I still feel bad.

While I meant to spend today intensely reading a book for my projects and finishing up details on my cosplay, I ended up only reading around 2 chapters and my attempts at sewing were absolutely dismal.  My god.  I got almost 3/4 of the way through the blue fabric on the pocket, and I looked at it and said, "this is shit," and ripped it out.  My plan was to try it again, and then that changed to getting fabric glue and just trying it that way, and now friend is going to be sewing on those pieces for me on Thursday (she wanted to aha; I usually feel really bad because she does a lot of cosplay stuff for me, but she pretty much begged so I was more than happy to let her if she wanted).

And friend from undergrad texted me about Ota; he and his girlfriend are getting there on Thursday and we are also super stoked to see each other.  They're going as Glaceon and Hawlucha, so I'm pretty excited to see their costumes.  We said that we would get dinner or lunch sometime (he also informed me that it is restaurant week in Baltimore, so that is fun) and that we should hang out for a bit.  Since their hotel is further from the convention center than mine, I offered them ours as a place to hang out if they just needed to recoup at any point but did not want to walk all the way back to their place.  (I'm sure it will be okay.  I mean we have only 9 people across two rooms in the Marriott.  Expensive, but it should be fun and roomy.)

Oh, also today, parents surprised me with my birthday ice cream cake from my favourite local ice cream shop.  Chocolate chip ice cream, and they added in m&m minis!  It was super delicious and an awesome surprise and sometimes the little things like that make me smile.  Also because it was delicious as fuck.

Tried to get Callie to come in the pool, but she just would not have it.  It looked like she wanted to go in at times, but was unsure for some reason.  I don't entirely understand; she always goes into lakes and stuff to swim and doesn't mind water.  My dad suggested maybe something about how clear the water is makes it weird?  I don't know.  I was thinking the jump from the deck is too high but she jumped off that high pier at the beach so I'm just guessing.  Most likely we are both wrong and it is something completely different.


Sometimes I get really angry when I think about the ex and Otakon, which happened last year (especially since it was right after I got his email and that whole debacle began), and is beginning to happen now (though thankfully to a much lesser degree).  Otakon was something I had before him and is something I will continue to have now that he is gone and it is not something I ever should associate with him just because we went together once.  I don't think I do really associate the two; it just sometimes creeps into my mind and I need to fight it off.  That whole thing.  It can be annoying.

Guardians

It got really humid all of a sudden and just as suddenly I started to feel dizzy and almost as if I was going to faint.  Oh, and shaking.  Shaky hands and legs are always fun, especially when you are on a walk.  So I'm gonna try and turn in early.  But whenever I say that I always end up not doing that.  We'll see.

Saw Guardians of the Galaxy with dad and sister and it was rather enjoyable.  I kind of wasn't expecting it to be good when trailers started coming out; I don't really know why, to be honest.  I just was not very excited about it.  But then a bunch of people were saying how awesome it was, so I figured I'd go and I am very glad that I did.  It was funny and all that stuff, and Groot was super adorable.  I am wondering if the tesseract is back in play now.

Also, while his face looked super familiar to me, I didn't realize that Batista from WWE was playing Brax.  And then when I looked it up it seemed so obvious, as I got nostalgic flashbacks to watching that weekly for a time with friends during undergrad.  Good times.


...I bought a jar of tiny chocolate chip cookies on the cruise and took them home and they are all gone already and that makes me sad.

Reunited with mah Callie face!

Both of us were beyond excite to see each other and I missed her oh so much.

She was very very sleepy though.  Pretty much passed out immediately after her bed and crate were all set up.

Fun times will be had tomorrow.

Also hopefully cosplay stuff.

And coding, unfortunately.

But really I just wanna hang with my girlie here.

So I was able to find a shirt for Kurisu today.  It is short sleeve rather than long, but since I do not plan on taking on my lab coat, I figured short sleeve might actually be better for the sake of heat.  I also went to get some blue fabric and thread for the detailing around her collar and her pocket.  In other words: I will be trying to sew that shit on by myself.  Hopefully I won't fuck it up too badly. 

But before I can do that tonight, I really need to get started on coding Namibia, since I said I would try to finish that this week.  

If anything, my mother or my sister could help me with the sewing, since I am pretty sure they both have more experience with that than myself. 

Alright, now that I am at home and am back on my laptop, I can elaborate on my grand adventures on the southern waters.  Though, truthfully, my adventures were not so grand.  Relaxing, yes.  Grand, not so much.  Not that this is a bad thing.  I was in desperate need of some time to relax and do nothing but read, basically.

And read I did.  I got through books 3 and 4 of A Song of Ice and Fire, and am over 200 pages into the fifth.  Really, I could not turn away for very long, so much of my time on the boat was spent in a chair by one of the pools, eyes unable to leave the pages.  It really has been a glorious escape for me: whenever I felt as though I was getting sad or something, I retreated into this fictional world (as craptastic as it may be) and forgot about everything else.  And sometimes, despite being surrounded by beautiful scenery, I did find myself getting sad once in a while.  At times, either one of my parents or my sister would stress me out (see: San Juan experience), and I would do my best to remove myself from the situation.  I would even say, "this is stress," as I broke away.

Half Moon Cay, St. Thomas, San Juan, Grand Turk were our stops (all of which I have seen before).  Of those, San Juan was the one I could have done without.  Not because I dislike the place or anything.  Rather, it was extremely hot, and the four of us went together.  Which would not have been bad, but it seemed as though the four of us wanted different things without actually saying what it was we wanted to do.  I ended up eventually saying that I would go to the ship, not wanting to deal with the obvious and unnecessary tension that was coming from everyone else.  I like to think I was the calmest, trying to ease things.  It also helped that I had nothing I really wanted to do.  Wandering aimlessly in cities is something I actually really enjoy.  It was really hot though, so it is good that I left when I did.

Excursions happened in St. Thomas and Grand Turk.  In the former, we drove mini speedboats and in the latter, ATVs.  Both were incredibly fun, and I left wanting both of those vehicles, despite not needing either one.  Truthfully, I'd rather have an ATV; I've driven them before and I usually prefer land to sea.  I didn't go as fast as I really wanted to, but that is understandable given that it is an excursion.

And in Half Moon Cay, we just hung out on the beach, enjoying the water.  It was nice and relaxing.

I did also, for the first time ever, get a professional full body massage and let me say it was so fucking nice and I would definitely recommend and definitely do it again.  At first it was a little nerve-wracking, because I had to get pretty much completely naked (kept underwear on) and I wasn't sure what to expect.  But my masseuse was really comforting and great and I loved every minute of it.  I won't lie, part of me zoned out and thought how nice it would be for someone I loved to be touching me all over like that, but I tried to not dwell on it.  If I had, a whole weird mix of emotions I was already experiencing would have become overwhelming, so I just tried to think about nothing other than how my muscles felt.

Luckily, I did not really dwell on past things so much, in contrast to last year's cruise.  There were some dreams, only one of which I really remember and I wrote down because it stuck with me for a bit that day.  It was Thursday night into Friday; most of the details eluded me, but I recalled a conversation between ex and I.  We were sitting at a table, and I was angry.  He took my hands, and started to cry, telling me that he loved me more than anyone who has ever come into his life, and that is why he did what he did.  He had to save me from himself, since he said that he would have destroyed me from the inside.  I jerked away, yelling at him and crying angrily.  Despite this, he insisted over and over that he only ever wanted to protect me.  I replied, screaming that what he did almost killed me (albeit indirectly) and I needed neither his saving nor his protection.  After that, he could not look at me, but he still cried.

I woke from that somewhat angry.  Angry that even in my dreams he could suggest something like that.  He sung that tune to me before, and I now believe that it was only a veil to soften the blow and cover the true reason behind the sudden breakup he sprung on me.  He went on to have three other women love him, and he them (supposedly, I suppose) directly after me, and he wanted me to ever believe that he would spare me from himself and not them?  It was bullshit then and it remains exactly that now and I refuse to believe it, even if my brain would have me entertain the notion through his voice and his likeness.

Plus, I was angry that he showed up while I was on my cruise.

Let's just say I once again retreated into my books.

Other than that, though, my vacation was overall very nice.  Not particularly remarkable, in all honesty, but I did not need something remarkable.  I needed something relaxing, and that is - for the most part - what I got.  I did start to get self-conscious about my body and everything, as I wasn't able to work out and I was eating more than usual (it is hard to not on a cruise, truthfully).  Hopefully I'll be able to get back on track for Otakon this weekend.

Well...back to work, I suppose.

Oh shit, back from adventures on the sea. Also look, we had a porthole! And played with a baby sea turtle.

Details when I get on the Island.