I really wish that we were picking out dresses for the wedding on any other weekend. It was supposed to be like...a month ago, but it was during that huge snowstorm so Steph ended up having to cancel and reschedule. And this weekend just...kind of sucks. Because of the parallelism.
Last year, around this time, I immediately had to go try on dresses for Dee's wedding. Right after that day. And now, the weekend of its anniversary, I'm doing that again.
And it sucks. Because I want to be genuinely happy. This is a joyous occasion and I should be happy.
But the parallelism has just...really hit me.
When I expressed concern about this, I was told to try and think only about my sister and try to not think about him and everything. That's difficult, sometimes, but I will definitely make the attempt. Maybe it won't be so bad, because I'll be surrounded by family and all.
I'm only going on Saturday, so I'll be around the rest of the weekend. Brendan's girlfriend is coming, and then to that, Carl laughed and said maybe he should get the person he's kind of dating to come up too.
After hearing that, I won't lie: I pouted, because I wanted to just hang out with them. And then I said, "You guys suck."
Though I said it jokingly, I'll admit I was somewhat bitter about it.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Reminiscing
So I made the mistake of going back and looking through some past pictures of us. (Though, honestly, I didn't seek them out. I was just going through all of my pictures on facebook and happened to stumble across some.) Of course, it made me sad, in an...odd way, though.
In these pictures, there appears to be so much...happiness.
The one particularly that caught my eye was a picture we took in London, inside a red telephone booth. It just appears so genuine... All of these do.
They paint a lie, it appears.
The guy who is in the pictures with me is the one that I still have trouble letting go of. Because to me, he was perfect. Even his flaws were perfect to me. The problem is that he didn't actually exist. He doesn't exist. He never existed. That loving person who was perfect and kind and just a good person was nothing but a finely crafted mask hiding the monster behind it.
It makes me sad that this person whom I regarded so highly and loved and adored so much could do horrible things to me. Could lie to me over and over, and still claim to my face that he never did such a thing. Could betray me. Could make me feel safe and then rip out the rug from underneath me over and over and fucking over again. And every time I would stand back up and get on that rug because I loved him and was so blind to everything he was and everything he had done. And he took advantage of that. He took advantage of my feelings for him and the trust I had in him.
And that - although fueling my ever-expanding hate for him - just makes me incredibly sad.
For my judgment about this person, who I loved so much, to be so wrong...I still can't really believe it. Because of it, I still question my judgments about people all the time. I question their motives, their feelings about me...I question my perception. And I shouldn't do that, because all it does it add more reasons for me to fall into the circle of self-loathing.
This past year has been miserable.
I spent March completely in shock, while he was out hooking up with people. April began my inability to eat properly, because I began realizing the lies, when I heard about what he had been doing. May and June I spent in blissful ignorance, being led on and believing that this breakup was truly temporary and that he wanted to be with me in the end. July I spent in a huge argument with him, and also had my sister's wedding and a bunch of events related to it. Instead of being truly happy for her, I was upset the entire time. August I began questioning myself and our "friendship," because I was still getting vibes that there was something there. September I began realizing what an awful friend he was to me. October was when I finally started going to therapy and when I saw him last, spilling my guts to him and have him tell me what was probably more lies, considering what else went on that weekend with him. November was when I finally decided I couldn't do it anymore, but I still questioned the decision to not talk to him for a long time. December is when my loathing for him started to take off. January is when I started medication and began suspecting he had a new girlfriend. February is when I gained a new friend, which is very very good and I'm very happy with that, but it is also when my anger and hate for him reached gross levels that I sometimes don't feel like I can handle. It helps to have people to talk to about it, though.
I was informed that I shouldn't be as hard on myself as I am, for not being completely okay by now. That I forget how I was a year ago. In a zombie-like state, constantly. Going to work, coming home, and going to sleep. Things like that. But I do wish I was at a point where I didn't care at all about this or him. He doesn't deserve me thinking about him. Certainly, I doubt it is vice-versa, since he has gone through enough people since me (despite telling me otherwise and despite telling me he didn't want to, or something).
The thought of seeing him makes my skin crawl, honestly. But despite that we're in different states at the moment, I don't think I can avoid him forever. I know I can't, actually.
It just...
It just isn't fair.
And I know shit like this never is, but I still feel cheated. In many different ways.
I know forgiveness for him is pretty much out of the question, because I can't fathom doing such a thing. But forgiveness for myself...I'm still working towards. Because I know I won't find any sort of peace until I forgive myself for being wrong. It was pointed out to me how distorted my thought process is: instead of being solely angry at the person who betrayed me (if angry at all), I am angry with myself, for being betrayed. And...that isn't fair. Because betrayal implies that I had a level of trust in someone and I took a leap of faith. I didn't do anything wrong by trusting. He did something wrong when he betrayed that trust again and again.
I need to keep seeing it like that, until I finally convince myself that I can be forgiven.
What happens after that, I don't know.
But that is the first step.
In these pictures, there appears to be so much...happiness.
The one particularly that caught my eye was a picture we took in London, inside a red telephone booth. It just appears so genuine... All of these do.
They paint a lie, it appears.
The guy who is in the pictures with me is the one that I still have trouble letting go of. Because to me, he was perfect. Even his flaws were perfect to me. The problem is that he didn't actually exist. He doesn't exist. He never existed. That loving person who was perfect and kind and just a good person was nothing but a finely crafted mask hiding the monster behind it.
It makes me sad that this person whom I regarded so highly and loved and adored so much could do horrible things to me. Could lie to me over and over, and still claim to my face that he never did such a thing. Could betray me. Could make me feel safe and then rip out the rug from underneath me over and over and fucking over again. And every time I would stand back up and get on that rug because I loved him and was so blind to everything he was and everything he had done. And he took advantage of that. He took advantage of my feelings for him and the trust I had in him.
And that - although fueling my ever-expanding hate for him - just makes me incredibly sad.
For my judgment about this person, who I loved so much, to be so wrong...I still can't really believe it. Because of it, I still question my judgments about people all the time. I question their motives, their feelings about me...I question my perception. And I shouldn't do that, because all it does it add more reasons for me to fall into the circle of self-loathing.
This past year has been miserable.
I spent March completely in shock, while he was out hooking up with people. April began my inability to eat properly, because I began realizing the lies, when I heard about what he had been doing. May and June I spent in blissful ignorance, being led on and believing that this breakup was truly temporary and that he wanted to be with me in the end. July I spent in a huge argument with him, and also had my sister's wedding and a bunch of events related to it. Instead of being truly happy for her, I was upset the entire time. August I began questioning myself and our "friendship," because I was still getting vibes that there was something there. September I began realizing what an awful friend he was to me. October was when I finally started going to therapy and when I saw him last, spilling my guts to him and have him tell me what was probably more lies, considering what else went on that weekend with him. November was when I finally decided I couldn't do it anymore, but I still questioned the decision to not talk to him for a long time. December is when my loathing for him started to take off. January is when I started medication and began suspecting he had a new girlfriend. February is when I gained a new friend, which is very very good and I'm very happy with that, but it is also when my anger and hate for him reached gross levels that I sometimes don't feel like I can handle. It helps to have people to talk to about it, though.
I was informed that I shouldn't be as hard on myself as I am, for not being completely okay by now. That I forget how I was a year ago. In a zombie-like state, constantly. Going to work, coming home, and going to sleep. Things like that. But I do wish I was at a point where I didn't care at all about this or him. He doesn't deserve me thinking about him. Certainly, I doubt it is vice-versa, since he has gone through enough people since me (despite telling me otherwise and despite telling me he didn't want to, or something).
The thought of seeing him makes my skin crawl, honestly. But despite that we're in different states at the moment, I don't think I can avoid him forever. I know I can't, actually.
It just...
It just isn't fair.
And I know shit like this never is, but I still feel cheated. In many different ways.
I know forgiveness for him is pretty much out of the question, because I can't fathom doing such a thing. But forgiveness for myself...I'm still working towards. Because I know I won't find any sort of peace until I forgive myself for being wrong. It was pointed out to me how distorted my thought process is: instead of being solely angry at the person who betrayed me (if angry at all), I am angry with myself, for being betrayed. And...that isn't fair. Because betrayal implies that I had a level of trust in someone and I took a leap of faith. I didn't do anything wrong by trusting. He did something wrong when he betrayed that trust again and again.
I need to keep seeing it like that, until I finally convince myself that I can be forgiven.
What happens after that, I don't know.
But that is the first step.
This band is so good so far. Now that I've been listening to more songs, it definitely has a different sound than World/Inferno, but I can still hear aspects that probably influenced World/Inferno as well. It seems more hardcore and (like I said previously) less cabaret, and is still kind of really fucking awesome. They're just really good musicians!
I've been running around offering Stroopwafels to people. I want to spread their awesomeness around to others.
I sat down with my Methods professor and went over some things for a while. I think I understand some topics a little more now, but I want to go over things later again just to be sure. He did reassure me that I'm not the only one who doesn't get it, and most likely I actually am getting things and just don't realize it (at least, that is what my homeworks have been showing him thus far). Also, he tried to tell me not to have unrealistic expectations about where I should be with this stuff.
I laughed, and remarked that I do that for everything.
Of course he didn't really get that I meant everything, not just school-related stuff, but it was still funny to me. Even a professor who doesn't know about my inner thoughts has told me not to have such unrealistic expectations of myself.
Perfectly aware of the day, and trying to not think about it so much right now, simply because doing so will make me sad and angry. I'm at the office, so it isn't the best time to have those two emotions dominate my mind. But I'll probably still have some long tl;dr thing later or something, because it is inevitable that I'll think heavily about it when I'm alone, sadly enough.
After lunch, I might want to run over to the animal shelter and talk about volunteering. We'll see.
I've been running around offering Stroopwafels to people. I want to spread their awesomeness around to others.
I sat down with my Methods professor and went over some things for a while. I think I understand some topics a little more now, but I want to go over things later again just to be sure. He did reassure me that I'm not the only one who doesn't get it, and most likely I actually am getting things and just don't realize it (at least, that is what my homeworks have been showing him thus far). Also, he tried to tell me not to have unrealistic expectations about where I should be with this stuff.
I laughed, and remarked that I do that for everything.
Of course he didn't really get that I meant everything, not just school-related stuff, but it was still funny to me. Even a professor who doesn't know about my inner thoughts has told me not to have such unrealistic expectations of myself.
Perfectly aware of the day, and trying to not think about it so much right now, simply because doing so will make me sad and angry. I'm at the office, so it isn't the best time to have those two emotions dominate my mind. But I'll probably still have some long tl;dr thing later or something, because it is inevitable that I'll think heavily about it when I'm alone, sadly enough.
After lunch, I might want to run over to the animal shelter and talk about volunteering. We'll see.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Sticks and Stones
So I just discovered that Jack Terricloth, prior to World/Inferno, was in a band called Sticks and Stones, and I jumped at the opportunity to listen to some stuff. As of now, it is wonderful, and does have some World/Inferno elements in there, it sounds, but is also a little different. It is less cabaret-sounding. (Though I might just be like "well it sounds like World/Inferno because of the lead singer!" Because he does have a very distinctive and fantastic voice, I think.)
I feel bad aha, I have a list of other bands I want to listen to and see if I like, but once I saw that I was very "WHAT. WANT." Because I kind of love him aha it's kind of sad.
But yeah. As of now, this is kind of all sorts of awesome.
Though distracting; I'm trying to go over Methods stuff!
I feel bad aha, I have a list of other bands I want to listen to and see if I like, but once I saw that I was very "WHAT. WANT." Because I kind of love him aha it's kind of sad.
But yeah. As of now, this is kind of all sorts of awesome.
Though distracting; I'm trying to go over Methods stuff!
Diet and stuff
So my meeting with the nutritionist went really well today, which I needed after a somewhat stressful class and a very stressful night. But I'll get to that in a moment.
I was up until after 2 in the morning trying to work on coding in R yesterday, but I ended up giving up on it. It was too late and I was just too exhausted and I couldn't think anymore. In class today we went over the problems in STATA and I'm really unsure if I did them correctly, and I couldn't really follow what my prof was saying, so I started mentally freaking out and everything. I think he noticed that, because he looked really concerned when I went up to him during the break and asked if he was going to be around tomorrow so I could ask him questions. I just told him I was completely lost and maybe it is just because I'm exhausted - mentally, physically, and emotionally - and that is affecting my work. Then again, it could also be that I legitimately don't understand it, so I need to go over it a few more times. I want to go through some notes from last semester's Methods class and see if that helps too.
Though he then did an exercise with us to demonstrate random sampling and normal distributions which involved Hershey kisses and everything and that - along with his desire to really help me understand things - made me feel a little bit better.
I said something about the whole 'inviting people to my apartment' thing, and received an apology, which I'm happy with. Though I fear I may have stressed Brendan out because of it, and that isn't what I wanted to do at all. I was more angry with the people who asked him than with him specifically, because that situation can be awkward and all, and I should've said something to them as well. Really, I want to make sure he knows there's no bad blood between us or anything. Normally, I probably wouldn't have been as angry as I got last night, but my emotions have been just awful, so any small thing that seems to go wrong has a greatly amplified effect on my mood.
But, nutritionist time. She was really nice and cool (and the daughter of one of the political science profs, so...small world! Ish, aha), and gave me a plan and ideas on how to make myself consume more calories. She took my weight, though I don't know what it ended up being, because she had me stand with my back against the scale. So I'm planning on going food shopping later today to get some things. I just need to make a list of the things suggested (I'm going to try a few new stuff - since I don't like peanut butter I've been wanting to try almond butter or cashew butter instead!), and maybe a few more things I might just want. She did say that her main concern is getting me to eat more, because from the sounds of it, according to her, there are days where I'm consuming less than 1000 calories, which isn't good. But she didn't want to start me on anything too intense, since I need to casually build up again.
I was actually informed, when I said I would like to start working out again but just don't have the energy to do so, that it would be very unhealthy right now for me to exercise. That because I'm consuming so little, it would be more detrimental than helpful. (So, when I mentioned the 5k/half-marathon that my friends want to do, I was strongly advised to sit that out, because I'm not, nor will I be, most likely, at a level where I can do that.)
We made a schedule, sort of. So there are times in the day where I must leave the office to go get food. Alternatively, I could bring things to the office, but if I don't, I need to leave, get something, and return. I can't make excuses and stay without food. She's trying to get it so that I at least make lunch a regular thing.
In a little less than 2 weeks I'm going to follow up with her and see if there are any improvements. I'm hoping I can follow this, especially since she (and Nancy too) keep telling me that if I eat more, I won't be so exhausted all the time.
That'd be nice.
Oh! And I forgot to mention yesterday: a big chunk of my session was spent talking about my future dog and what I want and how dogs make me really happy and I think having a pet will be very good for me. I said (and was advised to try and do so) that I have been thinking about volunteering for a nearby shelter. Nothing too big, just walking and socializing, I think. But having animals around me would probably make me feel better a lot of times. I might try to go tomorrow or Friday and talk to someone about that!
Plus it'd be nice to be committed to something other than school.
I was up until after 2 in the morning trying to work on coding in R yesterday, but I ended up giving up on it. It was too late and I was just too exhausted and I couldn't think anymore. In class today we went over the problems in STATA and I'm really unsure if I did them correctly, and I couldn't really follow what my prof was saying, so I started mentally freaking out and everything. I think he noticed that, because he looked really concerned when I went up to him during the break and asked if he was going to be around tomorrow so I could ask him questions. I just told him I was completely lost and maybe it is just because I'm exhausted - mentally, physically, and emotionally - and that is affecting my work. Then again, it could also be that I legitimately don't understand it, so I need to go over it a few more times. I want to go through some notes from last semester's Methods class and see if that helps too.
Though he then did an exercise with us to demonstrate random sampling and normal distributions which involved Hershey kisses and everything and that - along with his desire to really help me understand things - made me feel a little bit better.
I said something about the whole 'inviting people to my apartment' thing, and received an apology, which I'm happy with. Though I fear I may have stressed Brendan out because of it, and that isn't what I wanted to do at all. I was more angry with the people who asked him than with him specifically, because that situation can be awkward and all, and I should've said something to them as well. Really, I want to make sure he knows there's no bad blood between us or anything. Normally, I probably wouldn't have been as angry as I got last night, but my emotions have been just awful, so any small thing that seems to go wrong has a greatly amplified effect on my mood.
But, nutritionist time. She was really nice and cool (and the daughter of one of the political science profs, so...small world! Ish, aha), and gave me a plan and ideas on how to make myself consume more calories. She took my weight, though I don't know what it ended up being, because she had me stand with my back against the scale. So I'm planning on going food shopping later today to get some things. I just need to make a list of the things suggested (I'm going to try a few new stuff - since I don't like peanut butter I've been wanting to try almond butter or cashew butter instead!), and maybe a few more things I might just want. She did say that her main concern is getting me to eat more, because from the sounds of it, according to her, there are days where I'm consuming less than 1000 calories, which isn't good. But she didn't want to start me on anything too intense, since I need to casually build up again.
I was actually informed, when I said I would like to start working out again but just don't have the energy to do so, that it would be very unhealthy right now for me to exercise. That because I'm consuming so little, it would be more detrimental than helpful. (So, when I mentioned the 5k/half-marathon that my friends want to do, I was strongly advised to sit that out, because I'm not, nor will I be, most likely, at a level where I can do that.)
We made a schedule, sort of. So there are times in the day where I must leave the office to go get food. Alternatively, I could bring things to the office, but if I don't, I need to leave, get something, and return. I can't make excuses and stay without food. She's trying to get it so that I at least make lunch a regular thing.
In a little less than 2 weeks I'm going to follow up with her and see if there are any improvements. I'm hoping I can follow this, especially since she (and Nancy too) keep telling me that if I eat more, I won't be so exhausted all the time.
That'd be nice.
Oh! And I forgot to mention yesterday: a big chunk of my session was spent talking about my future dog and what I want and how dogs make me really happy and I think having a pet will be very good for me. I said (and was advised to try and do so) that I have been thinking about volunteering for a nearby shelter. Nothing too big, just walking and socializing, I think. But having animals around me would probably make me feel better a lot of times. I might try to go tomorrow or Friday and talk to someone about that!
Plus it'd be nice to be committed to something other than school.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Alright, I don't feel too bad as much for not really understanding this supposedly easy assignment, because no one else seems to be able to do it either. Specifically, no one else seems to be able to do it in R; I think we were all pretty much able to get it in STATA after some intense working, but so far, no on has been able to do R. Even the people who normally are able to get the assignments done very quickly have been messaging me asking if I have been able to do it or not.
So I don't feel as stupid, at the very least.
I am incredibly tired, though. I may need to get another soda, or something, to try and stay awake and do R. Everyone left, so I'm on my own with this. Also since people seemed to give up; they would rather not hand in anything than keep working, which...I understand. But I don't want to do it. I want to keep trying. Handing in nothing would be awful.
It might happen, but...seriously. I'm surprised I haven't passed out by now, truth be told.
Anisha did call me, and I ended up crying for a little bit, thus forcing me to hide in my room for a while. Just...with my mood and the situation today and Thursday coming up and me thinking about things and everything...I just was overwhelmed. And...bah.
Sad and tired and just want to sleep forever. But can't yet.
So I don't feel as stupid, at the very least.
I am incredibly tired, though. I may need to get another soda, or something, to try and stay awake and do R. Everyone left, so I'm on my own with this. Also since people seemed to give up; they would rather not hand in anything than keep working, which...I understand. But I don't want to do it. I want to keep trying. Handing in nothing would be awful.
It might happen, but...seriously. I'm surprised I haven't passed out by now, truth be told.
Anisha did call me, and I ended up crying for a little bit, thus forcing me to hide in my room for a while. Just...with my mood and the situation today and Thursday coming up and me thinking about things and everything...I just was overwhelmed. And...bah.
Sad and tired and just want to sleep forever. But can't yet.
I am kind of beyond pissed off at the moment.
So the trio was supposed to get together tonight to finish our work and bake cookies and just have a good time. And since I've been feeling so down lately, I really did just want it to be the three of us. I figure just hanging out with them would maybe help me feel better about things, especially since in my session today, I made note that their descriptions of me are what might be able to help me fight off the negative thoughts that I always jump to about myself.
However, two more members of our cohort decided they wanted to tag along. Of these two, one of them is the one I'm not really liking, but the other I really enjoy. I am equally pissed off at both of them, though. Because instead of asking me, whose apartment we are at and said we were going to, both of them asked Brendan if they could tag along.
In other words, it was Brendan's approval, not mine, that they needed in order to come over to my place.
Obviously, if they had asked me, I would have said yes (albeit not too happily, but I wouldn't tell them no), but fuck you. Seriously? Fuck you. You ask me, not my fucking friend, if you can come to my fucking apartment. I know I probably should have said something (/still say something), but I know if I do right now I will explode, and I don't really want to do that at all.
I don't know if it is a dude thing, honestly. Where it is some ingrained sexism where a guy's approval is enough even though the girl is the one actually hosting. I might be reading too much into it on that, but that is the only vibe I got from the whole thing.
It's a shame, because after my session today, and after going to lunch with Carl, I was actually feeling a little better. And now I'm back into my previous mood where all I want to do is curl up in bed by myself. I really don't want people to be here at all right now and I'm just so fucking angry.
So the trio was supposed to get together tonight to finish our work and bake cookies and just have a good time. And since I've been feeling so down lately, I really did just want it to be the three of us. I figure just hanging out with them would maybe help me feel better about things, especially since in my session today, I made note that their descriptions of me are what might be able to help me fight off the negative thoughts that I always jump to about myself.
However, two more members of our cohort decided they wanted to tag along. Of these two, one of them is the one I'm not really liking, but the other I really enjoy. I am equally pissed off at both of them, though. Because instead of asking me, whose apartment we are at and said we were going to, both of them asked Brendan if they could tag along.
In other words, it was Brendan's approval, not mine, that they needed in order to come over to my place.
Obviously, if they had asked me, I would have said yes (albeit not too happily, but I wouldn't tell them no), but fuck you. Seriously? Fuck you. You ask me, not my fucking friend, if you can come to my fucking apartment. I know I probably should have said something (/still say something), but I know if I do right now I will explode, and I don't really want to do that at all.
I don't know if it is a dude thing, honestly. Where it is some ingrained sexism where a guy's approval is enough even though the girl is the one actually hosting. I might be reading too much into it on that, but that is the only vibe I got from the whole thing.
It's a shame, because after my session today, and after going to lunch with Carl, I was actually feeling a little better. And now I'm back into my previous mood where all I want to do is curl up in bed by myself. I really don't want people to be here at all right now and I'm just so fucking angry.
Anisha can't come here this weekend, it turns out. Flights were too expensive because of the lack of them which goes from Binghamton to where she needs to head to, so I understand completely. Still though, I am disappointed it didn't work out. I could've used a hang out session with her, considering how I've been lately.
Luckily, I'll see my family this weekend, and we'll pick out dresses for Steph's wedding. And although I think I'm in a better state of mind for the planning of Steph's wedding than I was for Dee's...since it is this particular time of year, I'm really not in the mood so much to do wedding stuff. Of course I'll suck it up, like I sucked it up for Danielle, but still. Of course, I'm happy for both of them, and I guess if I'm feeling as terrible as I'm feeling at the moment I'll just put on a smile and push through it. I like to think I won't be so sad, because I'll be surrounded by family, but I never really know, at this rate.
Session in an hour. I don't really know what to say that I haven't said a thousand times before? I don't know. I'm just really lethargic and sad and lame lately. I just don't want to do anything, really. And since I don't want to do anything, I'm finding it incredibly difficult to comprehend this assignment, which is making me angry with myself, which then makes me less motivated, and we've come full circle.
I noticed even in my STATA and R code I often write self-depreciating comments, because that is the most natural thing for me to do.
Luckily, I'll see my family this weekend, and we'll pick out dresses for Steph's wedding. And although I think I'm in a better state of mind for the planning of Steph's wedding than I was for Dee's...since it is this particular time of year, I'm really not in the mood so much to do wedding stuff. Of course I'll suck it up, like I sucked it up for Danielle, but still. Of course, I'm happy for both of them, and I guess if I'm feeling as terrible as I'm feeling at the moment I'll just put on a smile and push through it. I like to think I won't be so sad, because I'll be surrounded by family, but I never really know, at this rate.
Session in an hour. I don't really know what to say that I haven't said a thousand times before? I don't know. I'm just really lethargic and sad and lame lately. I just don't want to do anything, really. And since I don't want to do anything, I'm finding it incredibly difficult to comprehend this assignment, which is making me angry with myself, which then makes me less motivated, and we've come full circle.
I noticed even in my STATA and R code I often write self-depreciating comments, because that is the most natural thing for me to do.
Monday, February 25, 2013
I ought to do work, but I'm still feeling down. Luckily, I'm not as tired anymore, due to caffeine and pasta, so maybe I can force myself to do something. This assignment really shouldn't be that difficult; maybe I'm just psyching myself out because of my mood.
Though looking through petfinder sometimes helps me feel a little better. Hopefully, in just a few short months, I will have a dog. Right now, honestly, it is all I really want. I just want an animal companion. I feel like having a puppy to take care of will help me feel not so worthless all the time, maybe. And maybe I could get my energy back up because I'll have to take him or her out and play with him or her and everything like that. If I could, I would fast forward to when I could get one.
I'll still need to lobby for ownership, most likely. Really, I don't want to have to part with the first dog I'll ever have.
When I think about it, I do become very excited.
Though looking through petfinder sometimes helps me feel a little better. Hopefully, in just a few short months, I will have a dog. Right now, honestly, it is all I really want. I just want an animal companion. I feel like having a puppy to take care of will help me feel not so worthless all the time, maybe. And maybe I could get my energy back up because I'll have to take him or her out and play with him or her and everything like that. If I could, I would fast forward to when I could get one.
I'll still need to lobby for ownership, most likely. Really, I don't want to have to part with the first dog I'll ever have.
When I think about it, I do become very excited.
I'm really not in the mood to work. Even this supposedly easy Methods homework seems to be giving me more trouble than it probably should, which is really sort of discouraging. I'm just really out of focus and tired again today, which sucks.
I feel as though I have an abundance of things to say, but don't really have the energy to formulate them into anything substantial right now.
Things are just kind of dancing around in my head, not many good things, mind you, and I'm just drained because of them. Plus, with Thursday approaching, I'm just getting more and more...anxious isn't the correct word, but sort of? It's an odd feeling to describe, truthfully. Most likely I'll have something up that day reflecting on the year and how much it has sucked, aha.
"You're going to be golden eventually."
Another lie, ha. I specifically remember that line because I wanted to badly to believe it. But I wanted to believe that actions took were for me, but I've slowly realized that everything he did was completely for his own benefit, and I was convinced it was also for me. And you know what, maybe he actually convinced himself that he was lying for me, or doing things so that I would be happy again, etc., etc. But everything he has done has been purely for himself, and not truly for me.
Ugh, why I still become so sad because of someone so selfish, I have no fucking idea.
I'm going to blame this over-abundance of posts about him and about me feeling like this because it will have been a year this Thursday.
I feel as though I have an abundance of things to say, but don't really have the energy to formulate them into anything substantial right now.
Things are just kind of dancing around in my head, not many good things, mind you, and I'm just drained because of them. Plus, with Thursday approaching, I'm just getting more and more...anxious isn't the correct word, but sort of? It's an odd feeling to describe, truthfully. Most likely I'll have something up that day reflecting on the year and how much it has sucked, aha.
"You're going to be golden eventually."
Another lie, ha. I specifically remember that line because I wanted to badly to believe it. But I wanted to believe that actions took were for me, but I've slowly realized that everything he did was completely for his own benefit, and I was convinced it was also for me. And you know what, maybe he actually convinced himself that he was lying for me, or doing things so that I would be happy again, etc., etc. But everything he has done has been purely for himself, and not truly for me.
Ugh, why I still become so sad because of someone so selfish, I have no fucking idea.
I'm going to blame this over-abundance of posts about him and about me feeling like this because it will have been a year this Thursday.
I'm wide awake and I don't want to be, wahhh.
It is most likely due to the combination of a late night soda and having slept for around 10 hours last night, but still. I want to be sleepy so I could wake up easily tomorrow morning!
Though it does also suck that when I lay down I start thinking of things and I become sad and I don't want to be sad while trying to sleep because all it does is keep me up even more and it is annoying.
Part of me thinks I should just keep playing Pokemon but I just finished capturing the third of the Swords of Justice (obviously not Keldeo because he can only be obtained through an event) so I'm kind of not really in the mood to play as much now. Alternatively, it is easy to get lost of time; I don't want to be up until two in the morning without realizing it.
I don't know if me writing this is going to make me more tired, or something.
I probably should have started my Methods homework today, but I really...didn't want to, earlier. I just wanted to play Pokemon and watch 30 Rock after I finished my reading for tomorrow. Most likely I'll regret that decision tomorrow, but for now...eh. I enjoyed myself.
This weekend went by fast.
It is most likely due to the combination of a late night soda and having slept for around 10 hours last night, but still. I want to be sleepy so I could wake up easily tomorrow morning!
Though it does also suck that when I lay down I start thinking of things and I become sad and I don't want to be sad while trying to sleep because all it does is keep me up even more and it is annoying.
Part of me thinks I should just keep playing Pokemon but I just finished capturing the third of the Swords of Justice (obviously not Keldeo because he can only be obtained through an event) so I'm kind of not really in the mood to play as much now. Alternatively, it is easy to get lost of time; I don't want to be up until two in the morning without realizing it.
I don't know if me writing this is going to make me more tired, or something.
I probably should have started my Methods homework today, but I really...didn't want to, earlier. I just wanted to play Pokemon and watch 30 Rock after I finished my reading for tomorrow. Most likely I'll regret that decision tomorrow, but for now...eh. I enjoyed myself.
This weekend went by fast.
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Odd
During weekends or weeks where I don't have as much work as usual, I get very suspicious.
Like, I still have had a lot to do this weekend, but not as much as normal, and then supposedly the Methods homework isn't as difficult as past ones, and there is no game theory homework because she did not get through the entire lecture on Friday. On top of all this, I have no discussion sections to TA because the undergrads have a test this week and the professor made it so that when they have tests, there are no sections.
But...this easiness has me somewhat uneasy, actually.
Grad school has made me suspicious of free time.
It feels like the calm before a storm. I just have a bad feeling that because this week appears somewhat easy, next week is going to be destructive and awful.
I'll just have to enjoy it for now! Aha.
One month until Spring break, which will be so needed. Plan on going to the World/Inferno concert in the city. I haven't bought tickets yet, but I am like...planning my vacation around it aha.
We're still looking at apartments. We have not visited any just yet, because we've been so busy, but we're hoping soon we'll start heading out and looking. I'm more excited about the dog, honestly. I'm getting very giddy about it, even though dog needs to come after apartment is chosen. But still. I can't wait.
Like, I still have had a lot to do this weekend, but not as much as normal, and then supposedly the Methods homework isn't as difficult as past ones, and there is no game theory homework because she did not get through the entire lecture on Friday. On top of all this, I have no discussion sections to TA because the undergrads have a test this week and the professor made it so that when they have tests, there are no sections.
But...this easiness has me somewhat uneasy, actually.
Grad school has made me suspicious of free time.
It feels like the calm before a storm. I just have a bad feeling that because this week appears somewhat easy, next week is going to be destructive and awful.
I'll just have to enjoy it for now! Aha.
One month until Spring break, which will be so needed. Plan on going to the World/Inferno concert in the city. I haven't bought tickets yet, but I am like...planning my vacation around it aha.
We're still looking at apartments. We have not visited any just yet, because we've been so busy, but we're hoping soon we'll start heading out and looking. I'm more excited about the dog, honestly. I'm getting very giddy about it, even though dog needs to come after apartment is chosen. But still. I can't wait.
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Stroopwafels
So I've been craving some stroopwafels hardcore. I decided to buy some on amazon because this one seller apparently had imported them from the Netherlands and I could use prime for shipping, meaning I'll get them in two days and so can enjoy their deliciousness very soon. And if I end up not liking this batch so much, I can always try a different seller or something!
I just want stroopwafels. They're so fucking good.
My dad left earlier, because he had to take my sister to a concert she's going to and also because I do have work I need to get done. Though I've been horribly distracted, honestly. I just don't want to do it at all.
Although my dad made me feel a little better about my ex - since we get on that topic even though it usually involves me just saying what a douchebag he is - I know it isn't going to last, and I'll probably be sad again at some point about it, especially with the year marker coming up. Maybe that's why it has been so prevalent on my mind lately? Though it usually is there...I don't know. It's weird. Sometimes I feel like I should be grateful about this, rather than sad? Because when I think about it and I think about how awful he was at times...I don't know why I'm still so upset. My dad pointed out that he was just so controlling, and I even remarked that the reason I applied to UMD was because of him, even though I really didn't want to go there. I'm glad I didn't get their acceptance until late, because I fear I might have gone there solely because of him. Which is just wrong and fucked up on so many levels. Trying to pigeonhole a person into a specific area they might not really want to go to is so fucked up. But I didn't see it like that until afterward, I guess. And even now...I don't know. So, acknowledging things like that...why am I sad?
I think it is more the lies. All the lies. They continue to smack me in the face repeatedly, and even though every new one I realize is one I'm not surprised about...they still hit me in gross ways. They still make me sick to my stomach and make me want to scream because the trust I had in someone just...was betrayed. And because of that, I have crumbled.
I don't know what - if anything - was actually genuine anymore. And that makes me sadder.
Especially with his situation now.
It just sickens me.
Though my dad did say he thinks the medication thing is going to be temporary and believes I'll get out of this when I'm finally able to forgive myself and everything. I like to think that is true, and I hope it is correct, but part of me wonders. My perfectionism and self-loathing existed before all of this, but I guess I was able to handle it better and hide it more easily, or something.
I texted guy about stroopwafels, and although it is difficult to interpret moods from text messages sometimes, I still got a vibe that he was feeling down. But I didn't ask because we haven't really talked after our serious conversation, and I didn't want to creep him out or anything. I hope we can hang out soon, and maybe have an actual face-to-face conversation about things, but at the same time...I'm bad at initiating those things, and I always make them really awkward. I'm just a huge dork, really, aha.
How the fuck did I start talking about serious things I sincerely originally just wanted this post to be about my stroopwafels. Which I'm still excited as all hell to get.
I just want stroopwafels. They're so fucking good.
My dad left earlier, because he had to take my sister to a concert she's going to and also because I do have work I need to get done. Though I've been horribly distracted, honestly. I just don't want to do it at all.
Although my dad made me feel a little better about my ex - since we get on that topic even though it usually involves me just saying what a douchebag he is - I know it isn't going to last, and I'll probably be sad again at some point about it, especially with the year marker coming up. Maybe that's why it has been so prevalent on my mind lately? Though it usually is there...I don't know. It's weird. Sometimes I feel like I should be grateful about this, rather than sad? Because when I think about it and I think about how awful he was at times...I don't know why I'm still so upset. My dad pointed out that he was just so controlling, and I even remarked that the reason I applied to UMD was because of him, even though I really didn't want to go there. I'm glad I didn't get their acceptance until late, because I fear I might have gone there solely because of him. Which is just wrong and fucked up on so many levels. Trying to pigeonhole a person into a specific area they might not really want to go to is so fucked up. But I didn't see it like that until afterward, I guess. And even now...I don't know. So, acknowledging things like that...why am I sad?
I think it is more the lies. All the lies. They continue to smack me in the face repeatedly, and even though every new one I realize is one I'm not surprised about...they still hit me in gross ways. They still make me sick to my stomach and make me want to scream because the trust I had in someone just...was betrayed. And because of that, I have crumbled.
I don't know what - if anything - was actually genuine anymore. And that makes me sadder.
Especially with his situation now.
It just sickens me.
Though my dad did say he thinks the medication thing is going to be temporary and believes I'll get out of this when I'm finally able to forgive myself and everything. I like to think that is true, and I hope it is correct, but part of me wonders. My perfectionism and self-loathing existed before all of this, but I guess I was able to handle it better and hide it more easily, or something.
I texted guy about stroopwafels, and although it is difficult to interpret moods from text messages sometimes, I still got a vibe that he was feeling down. But I didn't ask because we haven't really talked after our serious conversation, and I didn't want to creep him out or anything. I hope we can hang out soon, and maybe have an actual face-to-face conversation about things, but at the same time...I'm bad at initiating those things, and I always make them really awkward. I'm just a huge dork, really, aha.
How the fuck did I start talking about serious things I sincerely originally just wanted this post to be about my stroopwafels. Which I'm still excited as all hell to get.
Friday, February 22, 2013
Visit
Having my dad over is always a great time. (Hell, having any family over is always wonderful and always picks up my mood.)
We went to a movie and then out to dinner after sitting and chatting in my apartment for a little after he got here. I like talking to him about work and politics things because he actually gets interested in them and is really intelligent about issues and it is nice. My mom isn't as interested in the topics of my work, so I don't really talk to her about the finer details the same way I do with my dad. Which is fine! I don't want to bore her, but I am glad that he'll at least indulge me, aha.
And, since I was out with him and talking and everything, I actually ate a decent amount at dinner, and that was after sharing popcorn at the theatre! He was surprised too. I remarked that I usually do eat more when I'm talking with someone because it distracts me from the actual act of eating.
I did have a moment of sad, when the movie we were watching hit somewhat close to home, since it dealt with depression and everything. It was good though, and ended up having a few twists that were really enjoyable.
When talking about a certain subject, he told me things I've heard before, but seems to understand that I'm still undergoing a process that is just taking a while. That because I trust and trusted so completely, it is excruciatingly difficult for me to forgive myself, which is the first big step I need to take that I just...haven't been able to yet. Though he did seem troubled when I said that there is no justice/karma in this world, considering the differences in our situations and how unfair it kind of seems to me. He remarked that there is, but it might take a while.
I don't know if I believe that, but it did make me feel a little better. I've gotten cynical about these sorts of things, it appears. Ah well.
I'm very happy he's here. Even if it is only for a short amount of time, since he is planning on leaving by noon tomorrow.
Unrelated: I'm incredibly worried I may have really upset/angered someone. I feel like an idiot, and I wish if I did that I could take it back, but I can't. Maybe I'm just being paranoid and anxious as usual, but I am scared.
We went to a movie and then out to dinner after sitting and chatting in my apartment for a little after he got here. I like talking to him about work and politics things because he actually gets interested in them and is really intelligent about issues and it is nice. My mom isn't as interested in the topics of my work, so I don't really talk to her about the finer details the same way I do with my dad. Which is fine! I don't want to bore her, but I am glad that he'll at least indulge me, aha.
And, since I was out with him and talking and everything, I actually ate a decent amount at dinner, and that was after sharing popcorn at the theatre! He was surprised too. I remarked that I usually do eat more when I'm talking with someone because it distracts me from the actual act of eating.
I did have a moment of sad, when the movie we were watching hit somewhat close to home, since it dealt with depression and everything. It was good though, and ended up having a few twists that were really enjoyable.
When talking about a certain subject, he told me things I've heard before, but seems to understand that I'm still undergoing a process that is just taking a while. That because I trust and trusted so completely, it is excruciatingly difficult for me to forgive myself, which is the first big step I need to take that I just...haven't been able to yet. Though he did seem troubled when I said that there is no justice/karma in this world, considering the differences in our situations and how unfair it kind of seems to me. He remarked that there is, but it might take a while.
I don't know if I believe that, but it did make me feel a little better. I've gotten cynical about these sorts of things, it appears. Ah well.
I'm very happy he's here. Even if it is only for a short amount of time, since he is planning on leaving by noon tomorrow.
Unrelated: I'm incredibly worried I may have really upset/angered someone. I feel like an idiot, and I wish if I did that I could take it back, but I can't. Maybe I'm just being paranoid and anxious as usual, but I am scared.
Game Theory
This class is so incredibly frustrating.
And not in the "I don't understand it so I'm frustrated" kind of way. But more in the "these things can be interpreted differently because of the way the question is asked and everything is grossly disorganized and everything and I can't stand it" sort of frustration.
Spending 2+ hours on the homework while also being told that we're going to definitely go through the lecture, causing us to probably have to stay way after the time we're supposed to is really annoying. Likewise, the idea that we might have to return after our workshop is also unfair, especially since my dad is coming to visit me today right after my workshops are scheduled to finish.
The whole class is just really disorganized, the questions we have to answer are vague, and these frustrations could be easily avoided, honestly.
Bah.
Shame is that I actually kind of enjoy the subject. But the class itself makes me want to rip out all my hair.
And not in the "I don't understand it so I'm frustrated" kind of way. But more in the "these things can be interpreted differently because of the way the question is asked and everything is grossly disorganized and everything and I can't stand it" sort of frustration.
Spending 2+ hours on the homework while also being told that we're going to definitely go through the lecture, causing us to probably have to stay way after the time we're supposed to is really annoying. Likewise, the idea that we might have to return after our workshop is also unfair, especially since my dad is coming to visit me today right after my workshops are scheduled to finish.
The whole class is just really disorganized, the questions we have to answer are vague, and these frustrations could be easily avoided, honestly.
Bah.
Shame is that I actually kind of enjoy the subject. But the class itself makes me want to rip out all my hair.
Good
So I ended up shooting Carl and Brendan texts apologizing to them if I've seemed snippy with them at all lately. I told them I've just been having a rough few days emotionally and that I was sorry. I wasn't really worrying about it, since - like I said - I wasn't really worrying about anything tonight! My mind seriously was very calm and quiet and it has been nice. But I felt like it would be best if I did, because I have felt like I've been giving them some attitude that they don't deserve, and I wanted to apologize.
Both replied that I shouldn't worry about it, and that they love me. Brendan said he's very happy to have met me and that I'm an awesome friend, and to him, I haven't been very snippy or anything. Though he did say that I have seemed tired and a bit down lately, which I admit has been practically out on full display. It is more exhausting to hide things sometimes. But he reiterated that I can talk to him about anything. Carl also said that he doesn't like (in like a it makes him sad way) when I'm feeling so down, and gave me reminders of puppies being in our shared apartment soon, which always makes me smile.
I promised them I would try to get out of this particularly bad funk.
But I'm especially happy, because they're both so understanding.
That even with my depression, which can just weigh on me and pull me down and make me feel horrible and worthless...
They'll pull me up.
And will not leave me.
They won't run from me.
And I love them both for it.
More than I can describe.
Both replied that I shouldn't worry about it, and that they love me. Brendan said he's very happy to have met me and that I'm an awesome friend, and to him, I haven't been very snippy or anything. Though he did say that I have seemed tired and a bit down lately, which I admit has been practically out on full display. It is more exhausting to hide things sometimes. But he reiterated that I can talk to him about anything. Carl also said that he doesn't like (in like a it makes him sad way) when I'm feeling so down, and gave me reminders of puppies being in our shared apartment soon, which always makes me smile.
I promised them I would try to get out of this particularly bad funk.
But I'm especially happy, because they're both so understanding.
That even with my depression, which can just weigh on me and pull me down and make me feel horrible and worthless...
They'll pull me up.
And will not leave me.
They won't run from me.
And I love them both for it.
More than I can describe.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Right now
Surprisingly, I actually feel good right now.
I don't know if it is because I'm sitting here eating pasta and just listening to music and just...not really worrying about anything. Not about work, not about him, not about guy, not about my eating...nothing. Just sitting here, enjoying my music. Or if it is because I just had Carl and Brendan over and even though we were doing homework I was glad to just hang with them for a while. Or if it is because I was able to talk to Anisha for 20 minutes before, which is short for us, but it was still awesome.
I don't know the reason behind this good mood, but I'm thankful for it, whatever it is.
Although I still feel as though I've been short with some people lately, I'm not worried about that at the moment.
My friends know about my feelings, so maybe they (or I'd like to think they would) will give me a break here and there, with my moods. Thinking that they at least, if not understand, are able to cut me some slack, makes me very happy.
Speaking of food and music, I find cooking much more tolerable when I have music playing while I do it. I actually made pasta; I've been saying I was going to for weeks now, and I just haven't because of the energy it takes me to cook anything, really. And am I glad I made it, seriously. Four cheese sauce with extra mozzarella melted into it? God. So yummy.
I'm even pleased that this meal was legitimately enjoyable, rather than me just kind of eating to eat something.
Although this mood will probably not last very long, I'm going to enjoy it for the time being.
It's a peacefulness that I rarely experience.
I don't know if it is because I'm sitting here eating pasta and just listening to music and just...not really worrying about anything. Not about work, not about him, not about guy, not about my eating...nothing. Just sitting here, enjoying my music. Or if it is because I just had Carl and Brendan over and even though we were doing homework I was glad to just hang with them for a while. Or if it is because I was able to talk to Anisha for 20 minutes before, which is short for us, but it was still awesome.
I don't know the reason behind this good mood, but I'm thankful for it, whatever it is.
Although I still feel as though I've been short with some people lately, I'm not worried about that at the moment.
My friends know about my feelings, so maybe they (or I'd like to think they would) will give me a break here and there, with my moods. Thinking that they at least, if not understand, are able to cut me some slack, makes me very happy.
Speaking of food and music, I find cooking much more tolerable when I have music playing while I do it. I actually made pasta; I've been saying I was going to for weeks now, and I just haven't because of the energy it takes me to cook anything, really. And am I glad I made it, seriously. Four cheese sauce with extra mozzarella melted into it? God. So yummy.
I'm even pleased that this meal was legitimately enjoyable, rather than me just kind of eating to eat something.
Although this mood will probably not last very long, I'm going to enjoy it for the time being.
It's a peacefulness that I rarely experience.
Ugh
I feel like I'm going to throw up.
And this isn't like...the "nerves/emotions are making me feel like I'm going to throw up" thing. (At least I don't think...) It's more of a purely physical "I feel like I'm going to hurl up any contents in my stomach at any moment" feel.
While going out to my car I had to stop and bend over for a few minutes to try and stop it. Ugh.
And I know this post might be TMI-ish but oh well.
Still have sad feels. I seriously contemplated not going to this lecture (since it is the TA lecture anyway) and then cancelling office hours and only going to the R workshop today. But I get a lot of work done during that time and I figured I wasn't like...physically dying, so I figured depressed feelings aren't legitimate enough to skip things I really am obligated to go to.
I want to go to a concert. Or just go listen to live music. It usually helps me forget all my other thoughts, if even only for a short amount of time.
And this isn't like...the "nerves/emotions are making me feel like I'm going to throw up" thing. (At least I don't think...) It's more of a purely physical "I feel like I'm going to hurl up any contents in my stomach at any moment" feel.
While going out to my car I had to stop and bend over for a few minutes to try and stop it. Ugh.
And I know this post might be TMI-ish but oh well.
Still have sad feels. I seriously contemplated not going to this lecture (since it is the TA lecture anyway) and then cancelling office hours and only going to the R workshop today. But I get a lot of work done during that time and I figured I wasn't like...physically dying, so I figured depressed feelings aren't legitimate enough to skip things I really am obligated to go to.
I want to go to a concert. Or just go listen to live music. It usually helps me forget all my other thoughts, if even only for a short amount of time.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Bleh
Part of me wants to talk to someone. But at the same time, I really don't want to. It'll probably just end up with me either a) hiding everything that I'm feeling or making it seem as though it is less of a problem than it is, or b) spilling everything and feeling even worse in the end. Knowing me, it'd end up being option a. Plus, I'm sure my friends would rather be having fun or be productive than listen to me. So yet another blog post I guess it will be. Ha, I'm so fucking lame.
I've just been having a rough last few days.
I'd rather just lie in my bed and watch tv or listen to music than do anything else.
For maybe the past week, I've gotten somewhat reclusive, it seems. I just don't want to go out and do anything. And yet at the same time I was sad about not being able to hang out and movie with Carl and Brendan. My feelings are oddly...schizophrenic, if that makes sense.
That voice is yelling at me for not doing work and not going out and not just shaking this off.
I need to try and repeat this reminder that it isn't my fault I'm feeling like this, and sometimes that means I need to take a break and just stay in my bed. The problem is when I stay in bed for too long, because that makes it more difficult to get out of. (And I suppose this is both literal and metaphorical.)
Dinner hasn't been eaten. I should probably get something, even though I really really don't want to...
I might just fall asleep super early tonight. Maybe.
So far, what I've listened to of "All My Friends are Enemies: Early Rarities" is fantastic. Really happy I bought this.
I've just been having a rough last few days.
I'd rather just lie in my bed and watch tv or listen to music than do anything else.
For maybe the past week, I've gotten somewhat reclusive, it seems. I just don't want to go out and do anything. And yet at the same time I was sad about not being able to hang out and movie with Carl and Brendan. My feelings are oddly...schizophrenic, if that makes sense.
That voice is yelling at me for not doing work and not going out and not just shaking this off.
I need to try and repeat this reminder that it isn't my fault I'm feeling like this, and sometimes that means I need to take a break and just stay in my bed. The problem is when I stay in bed for too long, because that makes it more difficult to get out of. (And I suppose this is both literal and metaphorical.)
Dinner hasn't been eaten. I should probably get something, even though I really really don't want to...
I might just fall asleep super early tonight. Maybe.
So far, what I've listened to of "All My Friends are Enemies: Early Rarities" is fantastic. Really happy I bought this.
Mood swings
Today has been oddly...mood swingy. So far, and already. It is kind of weird.
I woke up exhausted and melancholy, but then my TA session was actually quite fun, which got me to wake up somewhat and cheer up more. We had a fun time, especially talking about how the U.S. education system tends to glorify people it...probably shouldn't, such as Columbus. Plus it just was an overall good discussion. We got to talk about the Civil War and everything too, and I just had a fun time with them.
And then I had fun in class too. My professor was very entertaining, as usual. He really likes the annotations for my coding - I used the word 'awesomesauce' at some point, and he enjoyed it a lot. Said he'll have to use it maybe. Plus, at one point he went "'Murrica," and it was great because I do that way too often and it made me happy.
However, during class, my energy deteriorated, and I became really sleepy. Ended up getting a coke and m&ms during the break. Though I only had about a third of the soda and half the bag of m&ms before I couldn't have anymore. I should really eat actual food, shouldn't I? Maybe I'll do that before trying to nap, because I am absolutely exhausted.
But then we left and my lack of energy kind of hit me and my mood suffered a little. Though it wasn't until after people made plans where my sad mood resurfaced. Because I thought Brendan and Carl and I were going to do a movie night or something tonight, but before I could reinforce that, another guy from our cohort suggested they go smoke hookah tonight. And the guys both said yes immediately. I don't like hookah at all and sometimes going somewhere where there's a ton of smoke is just kind of annoying? So I said no. Plus, the person who suggested it...I don't really know how I feel about him. Like...I'm not sold on him. And I know that's kind of messed up, because he's not a product or anything and I'm making it sound like he is. Even more messed up is the fact that there's no reason for me to dislike him? He's nice and everything, but...I don't know. It might be purely superficial: he's been hanging around us a lot more and am I feeling like the trio is threatened or something? Or is it just that he gives me a super jocky vibe that I don't really like? And we're just very different. But Carl and I are different, so I don't get it.
I told Brendan some stuff, and he asked me if I was okay. I told him not really, but I'm just trying to push through, at this rate.
The look of pity he gave me was kind of disheartening, despite him saying that if I ever wanted to talk about stuff to him, I could.
I woke up exhausted and melancholy, but then my TA session was actually quite fun, which got me to wake up somewhat and cheer up more. We had a fun time, especially talking about how the U.S. education system tends to glorify people it...probably shouldn't, such as Columbus. Plus it just was an overall good discussion. We got to talk about the Civil War and everything too, and I just had a fun time with them.
And then I had fun in class too. My professor was very entertaining, as usual. He really likes the annotations for my coding - I used the word 'awesomesauce' at some point, and he enjoyed it a lot. Said he'll have to use it maybe. Plus, at one point he went "'Murrica," and it was great because I do that way too often and it made me happy.
However, during class, my energy deteriorated, and I became really sleepy. Ended up getting a coke and m&ms during the break. Though I only had about a third of the soda and half the bag of m&ms before I couldn't have anymore. I should really eat actual food, shouldn't I? Maybe I'll do that before trying to nap, because I am absolutely exhausted.
But then we left and my lack of energy kind of hit me and my mood suffered a little. Though it wasn't until after people made plans where my sad mood resurfaced. Because I thought Brendan and Carl and I were going to do a movie night or something tonight, but before I could reinforce that, another guy from our cohort suggested they go smoke hookah tonight. And the guys both said yes immediately. I don't like hookah at all and sometimes going somewhere where there's a ton of smoke is just kind of annoying? So I said no. Plus, the person who suggested it...I don't really know how I feel about him. Like...I'm not sold on him. And I know that's kind of messed up, because he's not a product or anything and I'm making it sound like he is. Even more messed up is the fact that there's no reason for me to dislike him? He's nice and everything, but...I don't know. It might be purely superficial: he's been hanging around us a lot more and am I feeling like the trio is threatened or something? Or is it just that he gives me a super jocky vibe that I don't really like? And we're just very different. But Carl and I are different, so I don't get it.
I told Brendan some stuff, and he asked me if I was okay. I told him not really, but I'm just trying to push through, at this rate.
The look of pity he gave me was kind of disheartening, despite him saying that if I ever wanted to talk about stuff to him, I could.
Assignments
These assignments for my methods class take way too long. I didn't leave campus until after 10 today, so I was on campus for fourteen hours today.
Which was bad, because that means aside from the handful of cashews I had right after my session, I didn't eat until I got out. I feel guilty, a little, because I promised Nancy that I would try to eat more, and then I did exactly the opposite. I just was working all day and wasn't hungry and didn't want to run off campus to get anything and...I don't know.
I'm making excuses for my continued avoidance of eating.
Luckily, I have an appointment with the nutritionist, but not until next Wednesday. I ought to make a food shopping trip, since it honestly was last semester when I last did that for real. Every other time I've picked up food, it's just been like...two or three things I need at the time.
I don't really know how I feel at the moment.
Exhausted, definitely.
Which was bad, because that means aside from the handful of cashews I had right after my session, I didn't eat until I got out. I feel guilty, a little, because I promised Nancy that I would try to eat more, and then I did exactly the opposite. I just was working all day and wasn't hungry and didn't want to run off campus to get anything and...I don't know.
I'm making excuses for my continued avoidance of eating.
Luckily, I have an appointment with the nutritionist, but not until next Wednesday. I ought to make a food shopping trip, since it honestly was last semester when I last did that for real. Every other time I've picked up food, it's just been like...two or three things I need at the time.
I don't really know how I feel at the moment.
Exhausted, definitely.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Reminding myself
I have every right to be angry, and I need to channel that anger in some positive way. Possible ways include working out (when I get my energy back up), writing more, recording myself, and listening to music.
The amount and extent to which I beat myself up is unfair. I have an unattainable and inflexible set of standards for myself that is impossible to achieve.
Not eating is a way of punishing myself, which also is unfair. Since I'm angry at him and myself, but he is not here for me to expel any of my anger on, I internalize it all, and indirectly (and directly) take it out on myself.
There is no way I could have known he would have lied to me and betrayed me. So, there is no way I could have known what to do differently. I'm looking at things retrospectively, which is also unfair to me. I could not have done anything different.
I didn't do anything wrong.
"You need to find reasons to forgive yourself."
Still trying to do this.
These are reminders. I need to repeat them until I believe them truly and completely.
The amount and extent to which I beat myself up is unfair. I have an unattainable and inflexible set of standards for myself that is impossible to achieve.
Not eating is a way of punishing myself, which also is unfair. Since I'm angry at him and myself, but he is not here for me to expel any of my anger on, I internalize it all, and indirectly (and directly) take it out on myself.
There is no way I could have known he would have lied to me and betrayed me. So, there is no way I could have known what to do differently. I'm looking at things retrospectively, which is also unfair to me. I could not have done anything different.
I didn't do anything wrong.
"You need to find reasons to forgive yourself."
Still trying to do this.
These are reminders. I need to repeat them until I believe them truly and completely.
So Anisha might be able to come here next weekend. Which is the weekend I need to go to Albany to look at wedding/bridesmaid dresses with my sister, but I said she could take a ride with me and everything and it would be grand.
I hope she's able to, I really really do.
I want to see her.
She always helps me feel better about things.
This news has lifted my mood somewhat.
I hope she's able to, I really really do.
I want to see her.
She always helps me feel better about things.
This news has lifted my mood somewhat.
More of the same
Sometimes I sincerely wonder if I'm broken beyond repair.
That thought scares me, but I really do think about it.
Because even with the counseling, and the medication, and the new loving friends I go to...I'm still like this. I still am sad and angry a majority of the time. I continue to think awful things about myself, and repeat in my head how worthless I truly am, despite some evidence to the contrary. I still have problems eating, because my nerves and emotions mess around with how my stomach feels. I still fantasize about bad things happening to me, because I sometimes wonder if that would be better.
I've been told that my roller coaster-ing of emotions is good, since I don't feel that crippling sadness all the time anymore. But for every day I sincerely feel happy, I think I'll have three or four where I feel like this.
And then the stress from work just piles on top of everything. And when I don't understand things or don't get as much done as I should have, the voice in my head that hates who I am just screams at me. I don't know how to get rid of that voice. I'm trying to.
I want to.
Because I sincerely doubt that anyone thinks as lowly of me as I do.
That thought scares me, but I really do think about it.
Because even with the counseling, and the medication, and the new loving friends I go to...I'm still like this. I still am sad and angry a majority of the time. I continue to think awful things about myself, and repeat in my head how worthless I truly am, despite some evidence to the contrary. I still have problems eating, because my nerves and emotions mess around with how my stomach feels. I still fantasize about bad things happening to me, because I sometimes wonder if that would be better.
I've been told that my roller coaster-ing of emotions is good, since I don't feel that crippling sadness all the time anymore. But for every day I sincerely feel happy, I think I'll have three or four where I feel like this.
And then the stress from work just piles on top of everything. And when I don't understand things or don't get as much done as I should have, the voice in my head that hates who I am just screams at me. I don't know how to get rid of that voice. I'm trying to.
I want to.
Because I sincerely doubt that anyone thinks as lowly of me as I do.
Monday, February 18, 2013
My stomach really really hurts today.
My mom and sister were here yesterday, but only to stay the night before moving on to a school Joanna was looking at.
I'm horribly distracted, because of things.
And despite how angry I am and was yesterday because of things I'm learning and realizing...
Today...
I'm just really sad.
My mom and sister were here yesterday, but only to stay the night before moving on to a school Joanna was looking at.
I'm horribly distracted, because of things.
And despite how angry I am and was yesterday because of things I'm learning and realizing...
Today...
I'm just really sad.
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Ahahahaha
I find it hilarious that one of the "virtues" that he constantly spouted to me was that he never lied to me. Ever. He swore up and down that I had never been lied to, and that everything he always said was the truth.
Oh. How hilarious.
I'm learning so many things!
Are you remarkably delusional, or is that just another lie you told me? Honestly, I'm curious. Do you actually convince yourself that you're at least - despite all your other hideous qualities - an honest person?
Because, sweetheart, you probably should stop thinking that if you do.
You're a liar. And a coward.
I must have been so easy to deceive, what with my unconditional trust in you. That you deliberately took fucking advantage of at every opportunity.
I despise you with every fibre of my fucking being.
Right now I don't feel too guilty that I genuinely wish unhappiness on you.
Oh. How hilarious.
I'm learning so many things!
Are you remarkably delusional, or is that just another lie you told me? Honestly, I'm curious. Do you actually convince yourself that you're at least - despite all your other hideous qualities - an honest person?
Because, sweetheart, you probably should stop thinking that if you do.
You're a liar. And a coward.
I must have been so easy to deceive, what with my unconditional trust in you. That you deliberately took fucking advantage of at every opportunity.
I despise you with every fibre of my fucking being.
Right now I don't feel too guilty that I genuinely wish unhappiness on you.
I disappoint myself
I need to stop posting one right after another, but once again, self:
Stop. Going. To. His. Fucking. Facebook. Page.
Stop it.
Fucking stop it.
Yes, it is an addiction, basically. But you need to stop.
It's upsetting, and fuels your hatred (why does that sound like a line out of Star Wars, or something?), which isn't necessarily a good thing.
Yes, I know you would rather take those things you saw and beat him over the head with them (or was it a singular thing? I don't really know; either way, it fucking sucked). Over and over and over again.
But since you can only fantasize that and can't actually do it, well...it's just hurting you in the end.
So stop.
Sad thing is that I know this reminder won't make me actually stop.
Ugh.
Stop. Going. To. His. Fucking. Facebook. Page.
Stop it.
Fucking stop it.
Yes, it is an addiction, basically. But you need to stop.
It's upsetting, and fuels your hatred (why does that sound like a line out of Star Wars, or something?), which isn't necessarily a good thing.
Yes, I know you would rather take those things you saw and beat him over the head with them (or was it a singular thing? I don't really know; either way, it fucking sucked). Over and over and over again.
But since you can only fantasize that and can't actually do it, well...it's just hurting you in the end.
So stop.
Sad thing is that I know this reminder won't make me actually stop.
Ugh.
Why am I more tired post-shower than I was before? Usually showers help wake me up and everything. I don't understand!
I really want to play a game, but I still have a ton of things to do, so I'm really just taking a break at the moment. The book is still not completely finished, but hopefully it will be relatively soon? As long as I get my focus back, which unfortunately has vanished into thin air. Annoying.
Since my sister had to work today, she and my mom won't be up here until late. I'm really excited to see them.
I've been thinking about a lot of stuff today. Of the usual variety. Maybe I'll post on it later, or something.
I really want to play a game, but I still have a ton of things to do, so I'm really just taking a break at the moment. The book is still not completely finished, but hopefully it will be relatively soon? As long as I get my focus back, which unfortunately has vanished into thin air. Annoying.
Since my sister had to work today, she and my mom won't be up here until late. I'm really excited to see them.
I've been thinking about a lot of stuff today. Of the usual variety. Maybe I'll post on it later, or something.
Halo 4
Halo 4 is all sorts of fun, holy shit. The headset is so awesome to play with, too. I was really happy when I found mine.
Since I just started, though, I still suck major, but I told Danny I wanted to go through the campaign to learn the controls and everything before starting online play against other players. He originally wanted to just dive into online, but I'm really uncomfortable with playing things I don't really know with other people. Usually I make myself actually need to get good at them before playing with others, depending on the game and those I'm playing with (though this usually left me playing only Melee and Brawl with others, and I even became self-conscious with those too). But playing with really close friends who I know won't judge me always feels good.
Plus, it felt really nice having Danny bug me to play for so long, actually. Like...in the "maybe I'm not so worthless" category, sort of way. He was really really excited when I told him during the week I would play with him and everything, and then all today he kept waiting for me to finish some work so we could get to it.
I've been getting a lot of those "maybe you're not so worthless" reminders lately. It feels nice, actually. :)
Unfortunately, I ended up - aside from the 2 or so hours of Halo - doing work all day, and since I'm having family come up tomorrow, I felt it necessary to postpone plans with guy. Which kind of sucked, but I wouldn't have gotten as much work done and I might not have been able to play with Danny, which I have been promising him for weeks now. I am over 300 pages into that book, but it still leaves me with a ton more to go, unfortunately. Hopefully tomorrow I can finish it, do the stuff I need to do for my TA class, clean the apartment, and look at the Methods homework for Wednesday.
Speaking of apartments, three people from our department are moving out of their townhouse, and I asked them if they could tell their landlord that three others from the same program might be interested in it. It is in a really good location, and has basically everything that we want, I'm pretty sure. Of course, we'll look at other places too, but that one definitely has the best location, being even closer to the school than my apartment is right now.
Also I bought "All My Friends Are Enemies: Early Rarities," which is a compilation album by Say Anything, of their earlier works. I'm excited for it to get here so I can listen to it. I'm still in the mode of buying the majority of my music because a) I'm paranoid, and b) I figure it is nice to support the artists I really enjoy.
My bed is even more comfortable right after I wash the sheets and everything. Though getting the duvet cover on is really annoying. But totally worth it.
Since I just started, though, I still suck major, but I told Danny I wanted to go through the campaign to learn the controls and everything before starting online play against other players. He originally wanted to just dive into online, but I'm really uncomfortable with playing things I don't really know with other people. Usually I make myself actually need to get good at them before playing with others, depending on the game and those I'm playing with (though this usually left me playing only Melee and Brawl with others, and I even became self-conscious with those too). But playing with really close friends who I know won't judge me always feels good.
Plus, it felt really nice having Danny bug me to play for so long, actually. Like...in the "maybe I'm not so worthless" category, sort of way. He was really really excited when I told him during the week I would play with him and everything, and then all today he kept waiting for me to finish some work so we could get to it.
I've been getting a lot of those "maybe you're not so worthless" reminders lately. It feels nice, actually. :)
Unfortunately, I ended up - aside from the 2 or so hours of Halo - doing work all day, and since I'm having family come up tomorrow, I felt it necessary to postpone plans with guy. Which kind of sucked, but I wouldn't have gotten as much work done and I might not have been able to play with Danny, which I have been promising him for weeks now. I am over 300 pages into that book, but it still leaves me with a ton more to go, unfortunately. Hopefully tomorrow I can finish it, do the stuff I need to do for my TA class, clean the apartment, and look at the Methods homework for Wednesday.
Speaking of apartments, three people from our department are moving out of their townhouse, and I asked them if they could tell their landlord that three others from the same program might be interested in it. It is in a really good location, and has basically everything that we want, I'm pretty sure. Of course, we'll look at other places too, but that one definitely has the best location, being even closer to the school than my apartment is right now.
Also I bought "All My Friends Are Enemies: Early Rarities," which is a compilation album by Say Anything, of their earlier works. I'm excited for it to get here so I can listen to it. I'm still in the mode of buying the majority of my music because a) I'm paranoid, and b) I figure it is nice to support the artists I really enjoy.
My bed is even more comfortable right after I wash the sheets and everything. Though getting the duvet cover on is really annoying. But totally worth it.
Saturday, February 16, 2013
So Anisha and I ended up skyping for around five hours yesterday. I had hoped to have half the book read by today and I really only am about 120 pages in. Still over 400 to go. And since my dad and sister are coming on Sunday now, I really wanted to have that all read by then? I don't know if that is going to happen though, especially since I have things to do for my TA classes also. Plus I want to hang with guy, play Halo 4 with Danny, go to the bank, do laundry, clean...I don't know how much time I'll have to do everything.
But do I regret hanging with Anisha for that long? Absolutely not.
Carl and Brendan are both going to the city this weekend to celebrate Valentine's Day with people, and, I won't lie...part of me is bitter about it? Like, Brendan was always in a serious relationship, but Carl is kind of just starting out and if all goes well might be in one soonish. And, I mean, I want things to work out, for both of them, of course, but being the lone single person kind of gets annoying. It's not a "holy hell I need to be in a relationship too" kind of bitterness, but more like the "...fuck you guys now who am I going to bitch and whine to about stuff" sort of thing. I have plenty of people who are also in the same boat as me, but they're all far away. And the large majority of students in our department are married, engaged, or in super-serious relationships and it just kind of gets annoying, I guess.
Though being the youngest, I suppose it makes sense? I keep forgetting that I am very young in comparison.
I realize how selfish this all makes me sound, and I really don't mean, when I say this stuff, that I want their pursuits or relationships to fail. No, absolutely not. I want them to be happy, of course! I hope that they come back and tell me how awesome their weekends were and everything, and I'll be genuinely excited for both of them.
These feelings pop up when I sit down and really think about stuff. My knee-jerk reaction to their good relationship news is excitement. So maybe I should just stop thinking about it.
Again, I wish I could retreat back into my fort, and not care about any of this kind of thing.
But do I regret hanging with Anisha for that long? Absolutely not.
Carl and Brendan are both going to the city this weekend to celebrate Valentine's Day with people, and, I won't lie...part of me is bitter about it? Like, Brendan was always in a serious relationship, but Carl is kind of just starting out and if all goes well might be in one soonish. And, I mean, I want things to work out, for both of them, of course, but being the lone single person kind of gets annoying. It's not a "holy hell I need to be in a relationship too" kind of bitterness, but more like the "...fuck you guys now who am I going to bitch and whine to about stuff" sort of thing. I have plenty of people who are also in the same boat as me, but they're all far away. And the large majority of students in our department are married, engaged, or in super-serious relationships and it just kind of gets annoying, I guess.
Though being the youngest, I suppose it makes sense? I keep forgetting that I am very young in comparison.
I realize how selfish this all makes me sound, and I really don't mean, when I say this stuff, that I want their pursuits or relationships to fail. No, absolutely not. I want them to be happy, of course! I hope that they come back and tell me how awesome their weekends were and everything, and I'll be genuinely excited for both of them.
These feelings pop up when I sit down and really think about stuff. My knee-jerk reaction to their good relationship news is excitement. So maybe I should just stop thinking about it.
Again, I wish I could retreat back into my fort, and not care about any of this kind of thing.
Friday, February 15, 2013
Squishables
Still skyping with Anisha, and we're coming up with all these ideas for Squishable designs.
I want to make them. We can submit designs and everything.
Also I want the squishable doughnut when it comes out. I want it so. bad.
And I think Brendan would love the squishable pancakes. They look adorable as well. Pretty much everything available is fucking cute as hell.
I want to make them. We can submit designs and everything.
Also I want the squishable doughnut when it comes out. I want it so. bad.
And I think Brendan would love the squishable pancakes. They look adorable as well. Pretty much everything available is fucking cute as hell.
So I'm skyping with Anisha (yay!), and though she put this also as a comment for one of my pictures I posted on facebook, she told me that she's not okay with how thin my arms looked, saying that they don't normally look like that, and that I need to eat more food. (Brought up because I told her I was just going to grab some chips before talking, and she said she didn't care what I ate, at this rate. Just that I eat.)
And though I laughed and brushed it off, I kind of see what she's talking about.
Though that brings me back to the food/eating problem that still plagues me. I still need to go get more pants, because none really fit me aside from the two newer ones, and even those are looser than they were when I got them. Whether or not that is because of wear or because I've lost even more weight, I don't know. But yeah.
Other than that, we hated on Valentine's Day, laughed/complained about certain people, talked about food, and complained about the fact that we're not closer to each other. I do miss her a lot a lot.
My dad and sister are now coming Sunday rather than Thursday. I'm excited about that!
I have a 500+ page book to read by Monday, though. Wahhhh.
And though I laughed and brushed it off, I kind of see what she's talking about.
Though that brings me back to the food/eating problem that still plagues me. I still need to go get more pants, because none really fit me aside from the two newer ones, and even those are looser than they were when I got them. Whether or not that is because of wear or because I've lost even more weight, I don't know. But yeah.
Other than that, we hated on Valentine's Day, laughed/complained about certain people, talked about food, and complained about the fact that we're not closer to each other. I do miss her a lot a lot.
My dad and sister are now coming Sunday rather than Thursday. I'm excited about that!
I have a 500+ page book to read by Monday, though. Wahhhh.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Valentine's Day is much more tolerable when you're in the office working all day and go home to play Pokemon with your two main dudes.
Though I am sick of seeing a bunch of flowers and everything on my dash. But alas, it will be gone tomorrow.
Feeling alright right now, but I wonder if that'll go away when they leave. I hope not.
Though I am sick of seeing a bunch of flowers and everything on my dash. But alas, it will be gone tomorrow.
Feeling alright right now, but I wonder if that'll go away when they leave. I hope not.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Cooking
Tonight was my first adventure in actual cooking for a long time (even if you count pasta; I haven't even made that recently).
Carl came over (Brendan was supposed to as well, but he was too tired). Our plan was to make dinner and finish up the Game Theory homework, but we ended up just cooking and scanning the textbook and talking about stuff for a bit. We made chicken cutlets and corn, and it was so fucking good. I ate more than I have for a while, which felt really good, actually! Plus, like I've said before, I usually eat more when I'm out with people than when I am alone. I should make something to take with me tomorrow, but I don't really have anything to make a sandwich out of or anything like that, so I might just grab my tin of cashews and my new Brita waterbottle and that's it.
We talked about a range of different topics, from school to exes to new people and everything. He's heading down to the city to meet with someone he really likes and who likes him, so I'm excited for him about that. I told him stories about my ex, and was pleased when I received a lot of "wow, this guy sounds like a huge asshole" and things of that variety. And then told him about some feels about guy and some concerns and everything I have and it was cool to just have someone listen and try to help me out with that and all.
He and Brendan are both going down to the city this weekend. I joked. "What the fuck am I going to do all weekend without you guys here?"
Seriously.
Though I do have plans: Halo 4 with Danny, hanging with guy, possible skype dates, reading. That kind of stuff.
Carl came over (Brendan was supposed to as well, but he was too tired). Our plan was to make dinner and finish up the Game Theory homework, but we ended up just cooking and scanning the textbook and talking about stuff for a bit. We made chicken cutlets and corn, and it was so fucking good. I ate more than I have for a while, which felt really good, actually! Plus, like I've said before, I usually eat more when I'm out with people than when I am alone. I should make something to take with me tomorrow, but I don't really have anything to make a sandwich out of or anything like that, so I might just grab my tin of cashews and my new Brita waterbottle and that's it.
We talked about a range of different topics, from school to exes to new people and everything. He's heading down to the city to meet with someone he really likes and who likes him, so I'm excited for him about that. I told him stories about my ex, and was pleased when I received a lot of "wow, this guy sounds like a huge asshole" and things of that variety. And then told him about some feels about guy and some concerns and everything I have and it was cool to just have someone listen and try to help me out with that and all.
He and Brendan are both going down to the city this weekend. I joked. "What the fuck am I going to do all weekend without you guys here?"
Seriously.
Though I do have plans: Halo 4 with Danny, hanging with guy, possible skype dates, reading. That kind of stuff.
"you're wonderful allison.
you really are"
Just got this message from a friend of mine and I'm really touched.
Maybe I really am not as worthless and awful as I think.
Maybe I am lovable. Definitely more than I think most of the time.
Part of me feels like crying but I'm on campus (though leaving...nowish) and so that would be weird.
you really are"
Just got this message from a friend of mine and I'm really touched.
Maybe I really am not as worthless and awful as I think.
Maybe I am lovable. Definitely more than I think most of the time.
Part of me feels like crying but I'm on campus (though leaving...nowish) and so that would be weird.
Dude
So today in class, my professor and I got into a (quasi-?)philosophical debate about whether it is better to use fractions or decimals, with me advocating for the former and him the latter. Basically, I did the "WELL FRACTIONS ARE MORE EXACT SO THERE" and he was all "BUT DECIMALS ARE MORE PRACTICAL." It took a little going back and forth before we realized were were debating some form of mathematical philosophy, if that is the right way to put it, aha. I don't know, it was awesome.
That same professor then later, at some point, made t-rex arms and yelled out "rawrrrr!"
And he told a corny joke: "A man and a frog walk into a bar. The bartender asks, 'What's that attached to you?' And the frog replied, 'I don't know; it started out as a wart on my ass.'" I fucking laughed, because corny as hell jokes are the best.
Also, I went to get a check today; I thought that I only had one waiting for me. Turns out, I also got these checks throughout the winter, so I ended up leaving with four checks rather than just one. And I also got paid today normally, so that's already been directly deposited into my account. Basically, I'm rolling in money right now. Which is awesome.
Originally, I was going to stay and do Game Theory homework, but I think I left the assignment at my apartment, so I'll have to go back to do it. Which is okay, but I had originally wanted to stay at the office because I get more work done here. Ah well.
Plans were made to chill on Saturday. Happy with this. :)
Also I got Halo 4 so now I can play online with Danny aha.
That same professor then later, at some point, made t-rex arms and yelled out "rawrrrr!"
And he told a corny joke: "A man and a frog walk into a bar. The bartender asks, 'What's that attached to you?' And the frog replied, 'I don't know; it started out as a wart on my ass.'" I fucking laughed, because corny as hell jokes are the best.
Also, I went to get a check today; I thought that I only had one waiting for me. Turns out, I also got these checks throughout the winter, so I ended up leaving with four checks rather than just one. And I also got paid today normally, so that's already been directly deposited into my account. Basically, I'm rolling in money right now. Which is awesome.
Originally, I was going to stay and do Game Theory homework, but I think I left the assignment at my apartment, so I'll have to go back to do it. Which is okay, but I had originally wanted to stay at the office because I get more work done here. Ah well.
Plans were made to chill on Saturday. Happy with this. :)
Also I got Halo 4 so now I can play online with Danny aha.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Spent all my time in the office today, coding and getting work done. Then went out to Applebee's with people for half-price appetizers and everything.
Feeling really tired, mentally, emotionally, and physically.
I need to stop going to his facebook page, by the way. Because ugh I want to vomit everywhere (and aha stomach pains are back). Fuck you. I hate you. You're a lying piece of shit douchebag. I hope you know that and don't delude yourself into thinking anything other than that.
And I realize I'm being mature as fuck right now but I'm tired and cranky and just not in the mood, especially with Valentine's day bullshit surrounding me.
Tomorrow I might realize that I wrote this while mostly-asleep and delete it but whatever I don't care right now.
I want to hang out with guy this weekend.
Feeling really tired, mentally, emotionally, and physically.
I need to stop going to his facebook page, by the way. Because ugh I want to vomit everywhere (and aha stomach pains are back). Fuck you. I hate you. You're a lying piece of shit douchebag. I hope you know that and don't delude yourself into thinking anything other than that.
And I realize I'm being mature as fuck right now but I'm tired and cranky and just not in the mood, especially with Valentine's day bullshit surrounding me.
Tomorrow I might realize that I wrote this while mostly-asleep and delete it but whatever I don't care right now.
I want to hang out with guy this weekend.
./rambles
Today, I went through my thought process on how I feel about letting things go. That I cannot actually imagine - at any point in the foreseeable future - me getting out of this pool of anger and hatred that I have been drowning in, because it is just so overpowering and consuming. I don't want anyone else to jump into this pool with me, but I just can't imagine myself getting out. Because the emotions are still so fucking strong. That when people tell me I should let things go, I don't have the heart to tell them that I have no idea how to do that.
Of course, I would like to.
And although my anger was validated - because holy hell I should be angry - I was advised to try to not get stuck in a rut. Don't only fall prey to that anger and hate. I should allow myself to feel it, because I deserve to be hurt and pissed off by everything. And I do. I do have reason to be. Actually, I noted that there might be a small part of me that doesn't want to let go of that anger. Because it is some sort of righteousness - if that is the correct word - that I'm clinging to. That he deserves someone he has wronged so badly to hate him. That I don't want to get to a point where I don't care or do not hate him because there should be someone who despises him for the despicable things that he has done. However, that is a small part of me, because trust me, I would much rather just not think about all of this and not carry all this anger and hatred with me if I felt like I could right now. But, it was also noted that the reason I'm probably drowning in this metaphorical pool is also because I am having such a hard time forgiving myself. I'm so angry with myself, especially considering how I was prior. Holed up in my fort...I was safe. When I said that I sometimes think it would have been better had I never left that fort and that I would like to be able to return to it, I was asked on whether or not I would truly be happy there.
I said that I wouldn't be. But I would be safe again.
And right now, I think that would be better.
I was asked if I believe it would have been better had I not loved at all.
I replied that I felt like the right answer would be to say no, but I sincerely believe that...yes. Yes it would have been.
I left my fort, and ended up damaged.
Really, I always had problems before, and they would not have magically disappeared had I never left. But I would not carry all of this on top of the things I've always had to deal with before.
I was advised to start writing in an actual notebook. Things to say as if he were standing in front of me. And then when I feel like I've written enough, no matter when that may be, to do whatever I need to do in order to end this saga.
And begin a new one.
Such Great Heights
Still get stomach pains when listening to it.
Which is annoying, because it is a fantastic song. But is also why I haven't listened to it a heck of a lot.
Seriously, if I could listen to it with no physical reaction, it'd probably be one of my most-played songs.
Session today at 1. Which is good and needed. (Sometimes I ever wonder if my counselor thinks I'm not really making any progress and I just take steps back for x amount of steps forward I take. But then I try to stop that thinking; she recognizes my issues and everything, and is more patient about them than everyone else I've talked to about them.)
Feeling lethargic today. But regardless, I hope to get a lot of work done. I'll be in the office probably all day today. Reading, coding, and making games for game theory.
Which is annoying, because it is a fantastic song. But is also why I haven't listened to it a heck of a lot.
Seriously, if I could listen to it with no physical reaction, it'd probably be one of my most-played songs.
Session today at 1. Which is good and needed. (Sometimes I ever wonder if my counselor thinks I'm not really making any progress and I just take steps back for x amount of steps forward I take. But then I try to stop that thinking; she recognizes my issues and everything, and is more patient about them than everyone else I've talked to about them.)
Feeling lethargic today. But regardless, I hope to get a lot of work done. I'll be in the office probably all day today. Reading, coding, and making games for game theory.
Monday, February 11, 2013
Pokemon
So my friends all started replaying some of the pokemon games; Brendan with Gold and Carl with Yellow, so I decided to pick up White since I never actually finished it. I had gotten up to Victory Road and then became distracted by another game, from what I recall.
Also my party sucks hardcore, I feel like.
I don't know, I guess I didn't like this generation as much, and maybe that is why I wasn't as into it? I mean, the storyline and the world were both awesome, but I ended up not really liking my party. Although I love Dewott. Fuck do I love Dewott. Part of me wishes I hadn't let him evolve into Samurott, but I like him too so at least there is that.
But yeah, I wanted to go to bed before midnight, and I'm still playing this. No regrets, though.
Feeling a little better than I was before. Yay pokemon. It'll do that.
Also my party sucks hardcore, I feel like.
I don't know, I guess I didn't like this generation as much, and maybe that is why I wasn't as into it? I mean, the storyline and the world were both awesome, but I ended up not really liking my party. Although I love Dewott. Fuck do I love Dewott. Part of me wishes I hadn't let him evolve into Samurott, but I like him too so at least there is that.
But yeah, I wanted to go to bed before midnight, and I'm still playing this. No regrets, though.
Feeling a little better than I was before. Yay pokemon. It'll do that.
Ignore this, seriously
Ha.
I'm having like. A breakdown.
Aha.
I started talking to myself, bringing up feelings of things I should not think about, but think about every goddamn day. It started off just me rambling to get some stuff out, but then more and more words spilled, until I just couldn't stop.
And when I word vomit, even if it is to myself, oh do I fucking word vomit.
Consistently, I was lied to. Led on. Manipulated. Played with.
And consistently, I made excuses. I believed every word, while ignoring the advice and pleas from those who actually care about me. I deteriorated and made myself think that everything would be alright in the end. I just had to suffer for a little bit. But then, everything would be alright.
I was still first in mind, and first in heart. I was convinced of that, and strung along to continue believing that, so that I would remain around.
The greatest mistake I ever made was falling for him.
Was trusting him.
And I hate that I now am distrustful of myself and everyone fucking else because of that.
I'm having like. A breakdown.
Aha.
I started talking to myself, bringing up feelings of things I should not think about, but think about every goddamn day. It started off just me rambling to get some stuff out, but then more and more words spilled, until I just couldn't stop.
And when I word vomit, even if it is to myself, oh do I fucking word vomit.
Consistently, I was lied to. Led on. Manipulated. Played with.
And consistently, I made excuses. I believed every word, while ignoring the advice and pleas from those who actually care about me. I deteriorated and made myself think that everything would be alright in the end. I just had to suffer for a little bit. But then, everything would be alright.
I was still first in mind, and first in heart. I was convinced of that, and strung along to continue believing that, so that I would remain around.
The greatest mistake I ever made was falling for him.
Was trusting him.
And I hate that I now am distrustful of myself and everyone fucking else because of that.
Matrix Algebra
Doing matrix algebra and row reduction has actually made me feel quite good right now. (I feel like 'good' is not grammatically correct there, but whatever.) Just even that I was able to easily remember how to do it and compute the inverse of this matrix relatively quickly was kind of awesome and I'm really pleased that I was able to recall that, especially since Linear and I did not always get along.
Unfortunately, this is only a portion of the assignment; the other parts include some coding in STATA and everything, which I'm not looking forward to. Luckily though, my friends are more coding-savvy than I am, and since I'm helping them with the by-hand math calculations, they'll help me out with the coding.
I've eaten like...an entire can of cashews while sitting here and working. Cashews are fucking awesome.
Working like this with a group of people helps take my mind off things. It's nice.
Unfortunately, this is only a portion of the assignment; the other parts include some coding in STATA and everything, which I'm not looking forward to. Luckily though, my friends are more coding-savvy than I am, and since I'm helping them with the by-hand math calculations, they'll help me out with the coding.
I've eaten like...an entire can of cashews while sitting here and working. Cashews are fucking awesome.
Working like this with a group of people helps take my mind off things. It's nice.
Sunday, February 10, 2013
I'm having a lot of difficulty concentrating on this reading.
I was feeling meh before, but now I'm just...listless and lethargic. Thoughts keep running through my mind, and I really just want to not think about anything. Really, I would rather just sleep until the morning, at this rate. I have no desire to do anything other than sit here and listen to music.
It sucks when this particular mood shows up. Especially when I have work to do.
I don't know. Bitching to this blog helps. For some reason.
It's that feeling of abandonment, maybe? Though that doesn't really make any sense. Or that coupled with the worthlessness stuff. I don't know. It doesn't make sense, and is a whole lot of everyday emo stuff.
Bah.
It's annoying.
God damn, I annoy myself. How does anyone stand me, I don't even know.
Normally I like to avoid putting song lyrics up, but here's an exception:
There's a man assigned to me
And he checks on my stability.
We discuss you every week.
Then I rinse and rinse, repeat.
I was feeling meh before, but now I'm just...listless and lethargic. Thoughts keep running through my mind, and I really just want to not think about anything. Really, I would rather just sleep until the morning, at this rate. I have no desire to do anything other than sit here and listen to music.
It sucks when this particular mood shows up. Especially when I have work to do.
I don't know. Bitching to this blog helps. For some reason.
It's that feeling of abandonment, maybe? Though that doesn't really make any sense. Or that coupled with the worthlessness stuff. I don't know. It doesn't make sense, and is a whole lot of everyday emo stuff.
Bah.
It's annoying.
God damn, I annoy myself. How does anyone stand me, I don't even know.
Normally I like to avoid putting song lyrics up, but here's an exception:
There's a man assigned to me
And he checks on my stability.
We discuss you every week.
Then I rinse and rinse, repeat.
Carl is planning on making a playlist of country music for me in attempts to get me to like it, or at least appreciate it. I have a feeling he will fail, but I said I would listen to it, because he seems very hell bent on getting me to enjoy country. I told him it would have been better if it were a few years ago, when I was much more eclectic with my music choices. Now I've become more planted in a specific genre and its family members, only occasionally straying from that. Which I'm fine with, of course, aha. It's basically what I've come to enjoy.
Still feeling bummed about obvious things, but hanging last night helped. Movies were watched, cookies were baked and consumed, and funny internet things were shared.
My cutlets didn't thaw in time to make them yesterday, though. Maybe they will have thawed in time tonight for me to make them, since now I'm in a huge mood for such deliciousness.
Need to finish reading this book for tomorrow, finalizing questions for my TA session tomorrow, and then start the Methods homework, which includes some matrix algebra I need to remember how to do.
I should get food, shouldn't I.
Speaking of, might go to one of those nutritionists tomorrow after class. Just to see what they have to say and what suggestions they have to offer.
Also, I should try to play Dead Space again, especially since the third one is coming out. I haven't touched it for over a year, for reasons, but I'm starting to want to try my hand at it again. It freaked me out a lot, but part of me thinks I'd handle it better now or something. Plus I won't fear being judged for not being as good at shooting at others are.
Still feeling bummed about obvious things, but hanging last night helped. Movies were watched, cookies were baked and consumed, and funny internet things were shared.
My cutlets didn't thaw in time to make them yesterday, though. Maybe they will have thawed in time tonight for me to make them, since now I'm in a huge mood for such deliciousness.
Need to finish reading this book for tomorrow, finalizing questions for my TA session tomorrow, and then start the Methods homework, which includes some matrix algebra I need to remember how to do.
I should get food, shouldn't I.
Speaking of, might go to one of those nutritionists tomorrow after class. Just to see what they have to say and what suggestions they have to offer.
Also, I should try to play Dead Space again, especially since the third one is coming out. I haven't touched it for over a year, for reasons, but I'm starting to want to try my hand at it again. It freaked me out a lot, but part of me thinks I'd handle it better now or something. Plus I won't fear being judged for not being as good at shooting at others are.
Saturday, February 9, 2013
My friends are awesome. I received many heartfelt texts last night after I relayed the news about me and guy, and they're planning on coming over today to watch movies and play games and (maybe) do some work. I do need to get some done, aha. I'm not sure if roommate is having people over for his D&D game, but I don't...really care? If anything, my friends could hole out in my room until they leave or something. Though I do want to bake cookies with them. Because I keep talking about how good they are and everything and they want to try them.
I'm still really bummed, though. And I kind of want to invite guy over just to hang out, since we said we still want to do that, but I think I'll just be upset more. I should probably give it a little bit before asking to hang, or anything. Plus, I said that he should text me when he's available, since I have something of his I need to give back. So that is all kind of weighing on me. But talking about puppies and expanding our gaming library for next year with people is helping to distract me.
Speaking of puppies, I'm looking extensively at petfinder right now. Basically a dog is becoming a must-have for us. I mean, not only have I always wanted one, but I know they're good for relieving depression symptoms, so I kind of really would like that as well. An animal companion might help me feel less lonely and sad, especially since it is only sometimes when people are able to do that. And yes, I'm fully aware of how fucking stupid that sounds. (And as per ownership, since we're going to have to discuss that, I really...don't want to bring out that excuse/reason at all, but it is my true reason for wanting to be the actual owner of the dog when we get him/her. I keep saying it is because I've never actually owned a pet before, and while that is true, my real actual reason is that it might really help me, and if I get so attached for the dog to be very helpful to me, I don't want to have to part with him/her at the end of my years here. But. Bah.)
I should try to read more before they come over. Also I think I'll be a bum and just not get dressed.
Going to try actually cooking tonight, so long as my chicken cutlets thaw and everything. Maybe I should go get mozzarella sticks too...
I still feel really crappy.
I'm still really bummed, though. And I kind of want to invite guy over just to hang out, since we said we still want to do that, but I think I'll just be upset more. I should probably give it a little bit before asking to hang, or anything. Plus, I said that he should text me when he's available, since I have something of his I need to give back. So that is all kind of weighing on me. But talking about puppies and expanding our gaming library for next year with people is helping to distract me.
Speaking of puppies, I'm looking extensively at petfinder right now. Basically a dog is becoming a must-have for us. I mean, not only have I always wanted one, but I know they're good for relieving depression symptoms, so I kind of really would like that as well. An animal companion might help me feel less lonely and sad, especially since it is only sometimes when people are able to do that. And yes, I'm fully aware of how fucking stupid that sounds. (And as per ownership, since we're going to have to discuss that, I really...don't want to bring out that excuse/reason at all, but it is my true reason for wanting to be the actual owner of the dog when we get him/her. I keep saying it is because I've never actually owned a pet before, and while that is true, my real actual reason is that it might really help me, and if I get so attached for the dog to be very helpful to me, I don't want to have to part with him/her at the end of my years here. But. Bah.)
I should try to read more before they come over. Also I think I'll be a bum and just not get dressed.
Going to try actually cooking tonight, so long as my chicken cutlets thaw and everything. Maybe I should go get mozzarella sticks too...
I still feel really crappy.
Friday, February 8, 2013
part 2
Man this short conversation has brought up a whole lot of self-hating feelings and I don't really know why and I keep trying to push them down and everything but they're annoyingly loud and persistent.
I'm trying to read for class to distract me but I'm just...scanning words and not actually really absorbing them.
I wish it wasn't snowing and the roads weren't as bad as they are, so I could ask my friends to come over and hang out with me. They usually are the best distraction for these kinds of thoughts.
I both want ice cream, and feel like I'm going to be sick. Weird.
Maybe I should just play a video game instead of trying to do work, now.
I'm trying to read for class to distract me but I'm just...scanning words and not actually really absorbing them.
I wish it wasn't snowing and the roads weren't as bad as they are, so I could ask my friends to come over and hang out with me. They usually are the best distraction for these kinds of thoughts.
I both want ice cream, and feel like I'm going to be sick. Weird.
Maybe I should just play a video game instead of trying to do work, now.
So I was just given the "not ready for anything serious" talk, with the desire to keep things platonic, and although I originally said I wanted that, I'm really sad right now.
I mean, I'm glad he told me now instead of waiting for me to get more attached, or whatnot, but still.
It's not fair of me to want anything more right now anyway. I'm just a really messed up and broken person. And no one should have to deal with that. No one should have to deal with my self-loathing and depression and perfectionism and everything.
Fuck why am I so upset I said just the other day I'd rather this be as it is.
Snowstorm this weekend.
I mean, I'm glad he told me now instead of waiting for me to get more attached, or whatnot, but still.
It's not fair of me to want anything more right now anyway. I'm just a really messed up and broken person. And no one should have to deal with that. No one should have to deal with my self-loathing and depression and perfectionism and everything.
Fuck why am I so upset I said just the other day I'd rather this be as it is.
Snowstorm this weekend.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
I promise this will be the last for today
So. It was just a communication error with guy. He thought hanging out time was supposed to be tonight, rather than yesterday.
Which...both pleases me and makes me sad. Pleases because of the obvious reason, and that I was freaking out over nothing, but makes me sad because it shows that I automatically go to the worst possible thoughts when something goes wrong. And I don't know if that is because of past experiences or that is just how I am or whatnot. Maybe a combination of both of those things.
I feel like I should apologize to him, even though he doesn't know what I was thinking before?
I feel like I should apologize to him, even though he doesn't know what I was thinking before?
I don't like thinking the worst of people when something doesn't go the way I expected.
Being this pessimistic isn't fun.
But going to hang out now. Even though I'm tired as hell, aha.
I'm updating this a fuck lot lately. It helps, oddly enough, even if it is about random shit and everything.
I was able to get my medication refilled, though I still need to talk to my doctor about how I'm doing on it and everything. Plus I should probably let her know I got the refill, and warn her that I'll need approval for more in a month or so, because I don't think I'll be going off this anytime soon. While I still have problems and still have days where I feel awful and think awful things, I don't feel like that all the time like I practically did before, and those bad days aren't as difficult to get through as the bad days pre-medication.
So I want to stay on this for a while, until someone recommends I get taken off it.
Had people over for gaming tonight after a very long day at the office due to job talk. It was fun, though I think my ps2 might be busted, which is really upsetting. A friend was playing it, and it just shut off on him. I thought maybe it overheated, so he waited for 10-15 minutes before trying again, and got through some before it did it again. I don't know if it needs a cleaning or if it is just at the end of its days. Wahh. Luckily, they are really cheap nowadays. Even though I don't play it as often as I used to, not having a ps2 in my console library is unfathomable to me, so if it is dead, I will be investing in a new one relatively quickly, I think.
Still haven't received any type of text message or anything from guy, which both saddens and angers me at the same time. It is just reminding me of past things and making me feel like I misjudged like I've done before and I didn't want to have but whatever. I'm just tired of being fucking lied to. But unfortunately, it appears, I am romantically interested in liars? Ugh. I don't even know, man.
Listening to The Clash, and bought an album at the awesome game/music/movies/etc. store today (which my friends all loved, aha; it also had Shadow Hearts 1 and my fucking god I was so tempted that game is so fucking good). It is awesome.
Kind of feeling weird right now. I don't really know how to describe it? Tired because lack of sleep and long day, happy because I hung with fab people and played games (beat final Bowser in Mario 64, huzzah), angry/upset because of guy situation, and stressed because I should have done more work than I did, and that is my own fault.
Maybe I should read a chapter in the book I need to finish for Monday.
I was able to get my medication refilled, though I still need to talk to my doctor about how I'm doing on it and everything. Plus I should probably let her know I got the refill, and warn her that I'll need approval for more in a month or so, because I don't think I'll be going off this anytime soon. While I still have problems and still have days where I feel awful and think awful things, I don't feel like that all the time like I practically did before, and those bad days aren't as difficult to get through as the bad days pre-medication.
So I want to stay on this for a while, until someone recommends I get taken off it.
Had people over for gaming tonight after a very long day at the office due to job talk. It was fun, though I think my ps2 might be busted, which is really upsetting. A friend was playing it, and it just shut off on him. I thought maybe it overheated, so he waited for 10-15 minutes before trying again, and got through some before it did it again. I don't know if it needs a cleaning or if it is just at the end of its days. Wahh. Luckily, they are really cheap nowadays. Even though I don't play it as often as I used to, not having a ps2 in my console library is unfathomable to me, so if it is dead, I will be investing in a new one relatively quickly, I think.
Still haven't received any type of text message or anything from guy, which both saddens and angers me at the same time. It is just reminding me of past things and making me feel like I misjudged like I've done before and I didn't want to have but whatever. I'm just tired of being fucking lied to. But unfortunately, it appears, I am romantically interested in liars? Ugh. I don't even know, man.
Listening to The Clash, and bought an album at the awesome game/music/movies/etc. store today (which my friends all loved, aha; it also had Shadow Hearts 1 and my fucking god I was so tempted that game is so fucking good). It is awesome.
Kind of feeling weird right now. I don't really know how to describe it? Tired because lack of sleep and long day, happy because I hung with fab people and played games (beat final Bowser in Mario 64, huzzah), angry/upset because of guy situation, and stressed because I should have done more work than I did, and that is my own fault.
Maybe I should read a chapter in the book I need to finish for Monday.
My TA for Research Methods and Statistics is from England.
His voice is like gold, man.
Fuck, I love English accents. Though it makes me want to go back there even more.
Also I realize a lot of my posts are becoming just random things instead of big substantive updates. Oh well.
I need to go over row-reducing and linear algebra. And then teach people, because I was asked.
His voice is like gold, man.
Fuck, I love English accents. Though it makes me want to go back there even more.
Also I realize a lot of my posts are becoming just random things instead of big substantive updates. Oh well.
I need to go over row-reducing and linear algebra. And then teach people, because I was asked.
On asking questions
I don't know why I have semi-anxiety about asking questions to job candidates. Maybe it is because no matter what I think anything I have to ask is stupid and I'll be judged for asking something that everyone else thinks is obvious? And I know that our professors are also paying attention to what we have to say and ask, so I don't want any of them to think less of me for asking something to a job candidate that is actually really idiotic.
So I end up having to ask my question to a friend first, to make sure it is not completely off the rails.
And then I spend a while trying to figure out how to best word my question to make it not sound jumbled and all.
Then half the times, I won't ask it.
Today I did, which was good. Especially when my comparative prof followed up on it, making me think that maybe it wasn't such a horrible question after all.
I don't know why I have these problems. I'm hoping as I get older and more ingrained in the department, this particular anxiety will go away.
So I end up having to ask my question to a friend first, to make sure it is not completely off the rails.
And then I spend a while trying to figure out how to best word my question to make it not sound jumbled and all.
Then half the times, I won't ask it.
Today I did, which was good. Especially when my comparative prof followed up on it, making me think that maybe it wasn't such a horrible question after all.
I don't know why I have these problems. I'm hoping as I get older and more ingrained in the department, this particular anxiety will go away.
So I was stood up last night, if that is the right way to describe it.
Just...seriously. If you end up being too busy to hang out or anything just fucking text me and tell me that instead of making me wait for a text that is never coming. Or if you don't want to chill in the first place, tell me that instead of saying yes when I ask you.
Fuck.
Why do I like people who couldn't care less about me?
Bah.
I ought to get out of bed.
Just...seriously. If you end up being too busy to hang out or anything just fucking text me and tell me that instead of making me wait for a text that is never coming. Or if you don't want to chill in the first place, tell me that instead of saying yes when I ask you.
Fuck.
Why do I like people who couldn't care less about me?
Bah.
I ought to get out of bed.
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
I made myself sad.
I do that a lot.
This feeling of loneliness. I want it to go away.
Also I realize a week from tomorrow is Valentine's Day. And I already want to go on a heart-and-flower-hating rampage. Because I'm so goddamn mature.
At least I'll probably get chocolate from my parents. Even though I already have so much in this apartment because I don't fucking eat.
Speaking of, I should make dinner. But I'm not hungry. Actually, I feel sick. Ugh.
Hopefully I'll feel better if/when I hang out with guy.
[Edit] - Just read response and that made me feel a little better. :)
I do that a lot.
This feeling of loneliness. I want it to go away.
Also I realize a week from tomorrow is Valentine's Day. And I already want to go on a heart-and-flower-hating rampage. Because I'm so goddamn mature.
At least I'll probably get chocolate from my parents. Even though I already have so much in this apartment because I don't fucking eat.
Speaking of, I should make dinner. But I'm not hungry. Actually, I feel sick. Ugh.
Hopefully I'll feel better if/when I hang out with guy.
[Edit] - Just read response and that made me feel a little better. :)
Convo
Having a conversation with guy about the level of skankiness the bridesmaid dresses ought to be for my sister's wedding (since I gotta go up this weekend for that). I'm having way too much fun with it. He has deemed it "The Quest for the Slutty Sceptre." Why is he awesome.
Also I love that my comparative professor from last semester and I are like...bros.
I'm super tired and I should have napped but I won't now because it's already almost 6.
Game theory assignment was postponed apparently because of the lack of textbooks people have acquired.
Why is this even a post I have no idea.
Thinking
I don't really know why I was thinking about this first thing in the morning while getting ready to leave for my second discussion section this week. Maybe it is because I've been talking about it a lot with people and everything.
If you ever use the excuse "that's just how I am" in response to someone telling you that you've done fucking godawful things...then you're a shitty fucking human being. Especially if you constantly use that excuse and make no actual effort to change your behaviour to that of a decent person.
Because all you're doing is excusing how bad you truly are, without really taking a look at yourself and asking if you should act that way. On top of you also avoiding responsibility for the pain you've wrecked upon others as a result of your actions and words.
You're not a good person.
You're selfish and cruel.
And you should never be proud of those characteristics and want to keep them.
If you ever use the excuse "that's just how I am" in response to someone telling you that you've done fucking godawful things...then you're a shitty fucking human being. Especially if you constantly use that excuse and make no actual effort to change your behaviour to that of a decent person.
Because all you're doing is excusing how bad you truly are, without really taking a look at yourself and asking if you should act that way. On top of you also avoiding responsibility for the pain you've wrecked upon others as a result of your actions and words.
You're not a good person.
You're selfish and cruel.
And you should never be proud of those characteristics and want to keep them.
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Finished my homework and my reading for tomorrow, which is good. I just need to print everything out; hopefully I did not make any stupid mistakes. I'll probably check things over again just to be sure. All the graphs look right, so I am assuming that I have everything in the files coded correctly. I still have problems trying to figure out the code initially, but I think I'm starting to get the hang of everything, which feels good.
Had a good session today with counselor. Told her a lot of stuff; she's still helping me a lot, especially when it comes to attempting to retrain my mind to not be as scathing towards myself.
I'm having some anxiety about something? I don't know if anxiety is the right word or just that I'm...fidgety about it? I don't know, really. It's weird to describe.
I might have thought about relationship with guy all wrong; I might be wanting to categorize us and am itching to do that just because I feel a necessity to categorize everything. However, in reality, maybe this weird territory of uncertainty is better, because I might just not be completely ready for any level above what had been going on. I was asked if I would be willing/ready to take that level and I hesitated; my hesitation kind of spoke to me louder than I thought it would have. So, it might actually be better with where it is now, where it is just casual and fun!
Thinking that actually makes me feel so much better about that whole thing. (Though I still do wish there was more of a two-way street in terms of initiating to hang out and all, but there is a subtle way I might be able to address that!)
Also thinking about heading to a nutritionist. Got some names of people I can talk to.
Had a good session today with counselor. Told her a lot of stuff; she's still helping me a lot, especially when it comes to attempting to retrain my mind to not be as scathing towards myself.
I'm having some anxiety about something? I don't know if anxiety is the right word or just that I'm...fidgety about it? I don't know, really. It's weird to describe.
I might have thought about relationship with guy all wrong; I might be wanting to categorize us and am itching to do that just because I feel a necessity to categorize everything. However, in reality, maybe this weird territory of uncertainty is better, because I might just not be completely ready for any level above what had been going on. I was asked if I would be willing/ready to take that level and I hesitated; my hesitation kind of spoke to me louder than I thought it would have. So, it might actually be better with where it is now, where it is just casual and fun!
Thinking that actually makes me feel so much better about that whole thing. (Though I still do wish there was more of a two-way street in terms of initiating to hang out and all, but there is a subtle way I might be able to address that!)
Also thinking about heading to a nutritionist. Got some names of people I can talk to.
After getting help from friends and my professor, I finished the STATA portion of our assignment. I'm hoping I will maybe be able to get things easier later on now that I have some of the basics down, but I doubt it, really. Now I need to spend today trying to figure out how to program in R, which seems like it might be more difficult because it is less user-friendly.
I'm hoping I won't get as frustrated as I did yesterday and go through an episode, because that was just not fun at all.
Plus I have readings to do and I really would like to get this programming assignment finished so I could read them before class tomorrow.
Counseling session today. Have a lot of things to talk about, including that one really good thing. Also I really need to get in touch with my doctor; I only have I think four days worth of meds left. And I really do think it would be best if I continued.
I ought to decorate my desk again. Since taking the Christmas stuff down it looks not as good. (Though I find it funny that the other TAs when we met were reading the song lyrics I had up and asking me what poems they were. I laughed and told them they were songs; I'm not cultured enough to have poems up.)
Speaking of songs, I need to listen to The Clash. Among others.
I'm hoping I won't get as frustrated as I did yesterday and go through an episode, because that was just not fun at all.
Plus I have readings to do and I really would like to get this programming assignment finished so I could read them before class tomorrow.
Counseling session today. Have a lot of things to talk about, including that one really good thing. Also I really need to get in touch with my doctor; I only have I think four days worth of meds left. And I really do think it would be best if I continued.
I ought to decorate my desk again. Since taking the Christmas stuff down it looks not as good. (Though I find it funny that the other TAs when we met were reading the song lyrics I had up and asking me what poems they were. I laughed and told them they were songs; I'm not cultured enough to have poems up.)
Speaking of songs, I need to listen to The Clash. Among others.
Monday, February 4, 2013
I know I literally just posted but
Man, I really hate myself a lot.
Aha, I don't know why that's funny to me.
Because as much as I dislike and loathe some people in my life (/no longer in my life), it doesn't even compare to my feelings about myself.
And then I get mad, because I try. I try to do good and try to recognize when I've made mistakes and wronged people and whatnot. Why do I hate myself more than I hate an asshole who is never going to recognize fully what damage he did to me, for example?
Is it because I still think deep down all that has happened to me has been partially my fault, or something? That maybe I should have known and should have been in control of the situation?
Or maybe there is no reason, really. Maybe I'm just really sick.
I don't know.
It's sad that not knowing something can bring up all this self-loathing. Fuck.
I want a puppy.
Aha, I don't know why that's funny to me.
Because as much as I dislike and loathe some people in my life (/no longer in my life), it doesn't even compare to my feelings about myself.
And then I get mad, because I try. I try to do good and try to recognize when I've made mistakes and wronged people and whatnot. Why do I hate myself more than I hate an asshole who is never going to recognize fully what damage he did to me, for example?
Is it because I still think deep down all that has happened to me has been partially my fault, or something? That maybe I should have known and should have been in control of the situation?
Or maybe there is no reason, really. Maybe I'm just really sick.
I don't know.
It's sad that not knowing something can bring up all this self-loathing. Fuck.
I want a puppy.
My TA session went marvelously this morning. I actually had to force people to stop because we were over time. I'm really pleased with that, especially since I sometimes had so many problems last semester with getting people to talk in one of my classes. It might also be because American government is just easier to discuss more in-depth because people already know some things about it, and also because it is a much narrower field than comparative is. (I do actually have a girl from my comparative class in my American one, so I was pleased, since I had really liked her!) Hopefully my Wednesday class will be just as talkative.
I'm not feeling very well, now, though.
Working with STATA is getting me more and more frustrated, to the point where I couldn't stay and work with people anymore. I was just angry. At everyone asking me questions but doubly (or more) so at myself, because I just didn't understand anything. Why my code wasn't working, and why I was not getting things I should have been getting. I don't know.
I felt stupid, and I hate that feeling.
It results in me just beating myself up more and more.
Which I don't really understand why I do, since everyone else is having the same issues. But I don't know. I find it inexcusable for me.
I'm really tired. Maybe I'll nap or just lay down for a bit. I do need to figure out grades for my class today, but I'll take care of that later at some point.
Sometimes I wonder if I should ever tell my profs about some of my issues? I don't want to use it as an excuse, but more if I ever seem really upset for something that should be no big deal, they know why.
I'm not feeling very well, now, though.
Working with STATA is getting me more and more frustrated, to the point where I couldn't stay and work with people anymore. I was just angry. At everyone asking me questions but doubly (or more) so at myself, because I just didn't understand anything. Why my code wasn't working, and why I was not getting things I should have been getting. I don't know.
I felt stupid, and I hate that feeling.
It results in me just beating myself up more and more.
Which I don't really understand why I do, since everyone else is having the same issues. But I don't know. I find it inexcusable for me.
I'm really tired. Maybe I'll nap or just lay down for a bit. I do need to figure out grades for my class today, but I'll take care of that later at some point.
Sometimes I wonder if I should ever tell my profs about some of my issues? I don't want to use it as an excuse, but more if I ever seem really upset for something that should be no big deal, they know why.
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Finally finished the book for tomorrow, which leaves me today to try and figure out what the hell I'm doing for this coding assignment. Our professor is getting together with us tomorrow to go over the STATA portion of it, but that still leaves us not really knowing what to do with R. We figured out how to plot one line, but in a different way than our TA showed us, so I'm not really sure what specific commands to use, at this rate.
I want to have people over to watch the puppy bowl, but that requires streaming, which requires my computer hooked up to the tv, which means I won't be able to do the assignment while watching it. Hopefully, Brendan's old mac had an hdmi port, but it is from 2008 so I'm not sure as of now. Though...I wonder if I could stream it via my xbox, if I set up my gold membership. That might be possible.
If I'm going to have people over, I should really go shopping for stuff...
I think it is just going to be the trio today. I texted guy last night but he hasn't texted me back. Plus I'm more and more under the impression this is a one-way crush thing on my part, which kind of bums me out when I think about it. I don't know. Mostly because I'm the one that does the texting and the initiating and the inviting to hang out and stuff, but. Maybe I'm just overthinking things, as I usually do. But I guess it would be better if it was only the trio anyway, since we have some work we have to get done.
I've been thinking about something else, as well. Maybe there will be something on that later, if it keeps loitering around in my mind.
I want to have people over to watch the puppy bowl, but that requires streaming, which requires my computer hooked up to the tv, which means I won't be able to do the assignment while watching it. Hopefully, Brendan's old mac had an hdmi port, but it is from 2008 so I'm not sure as of now. Though...I wonder if I could stream it via my xbox, if I set up my gold membership. That might be possible.
If I'm going to have people over, I should really go shopping for stuff...
I think it is just going to be the trio today. I texted guy last night but he hasn't texted me back. Plus I'm more and more under the impression this is a one-way crush thing on my part, which kind of bums me out when I think about it. I don't know. Mostly because I'm the one that does the texting and the initiating and the inviting to hang out and stuff, but. Maybe I'm just overthinking things, as I usually do. But I guess it would be better if it was only the trio anyway, since we have some work we have to get done.
I've been thinking about something else, as well. Maybe there will be something on that later, if it keeps loitering around in my mind.
Saturday, February 2, 2013
Frustration
So this is going to be me basically just whining because I'm having flashbacks to computer science and I hate that I suck at coding and everything and why can't I just understand this shit.
I just want to program a damn graph with two lines in R and STATA fuck why is it impossible why don't I understand this.
(It also would have been nice if our prof or someone showed us an example of how to do something like this, rather than just giving us a coding assignment without any actual lesson on how to code. It's like "oh, you'll find shit online," but I did that with comp sci in the past and I didn't actually learn anything. All I did was copy and paste things and hope to get a decent grade because I cared more about my GPA than anything at that point.)
Plus I'm just tired because I've been here since 1 and it is now almost 9:30 and I've been working like...all day. And I just don't want to anymore.
./WHINES.
I just want to program a damn graph with two lines in R and STATA fuck why is it impossible why don't I understand this.
(It also would have been nice if our prof or someone showed us an example of how to do something like this, rather than just giving us a coding assignment without any actual lesson on how to code. It's like "oh, you'll find shit online," but I did that with comp sci in the past and I didn't actually learn anything. All I did was copy and paste things and hope to get a decent grade because I cared more about my GPA than anything at that point.)
Plus I'm just tired because I've been here since 1 and it is now almost 9:30 and I've been working like...all day. And I just don't want to anymore.
./WHINES.
STATA has been successfully installed onto my computer, so I can work on my assignment for Stats later with Brendan and Carl. Our professor actually is going to have a help session on Monday, so I want us to get through most of it tonight so we have questions to ask and everything.
I'm slowly trying to get through this book. It just isn't interesting enough for me to read. It is basically asking the question of who actually holds power in government, and is using a small case study to build a theory, but the writing is so history-heavy and it is just. I don't know. My attention is not captured.
Though I did feel kind of awesome when the TAs got together and I got to explain some U.S. history to the others. Since everyone minus me is International, they've been asking me questions about our history and government and everything, and I like being able to relay information! Plus as much as I complain about history now (for the study of institutions!), I actually like U.S. History a lot; I got a tad excited when I was able to talk a little about the Civil War.
Still have yet to call my doctor, mostly because I keep forgetting until it is late at night. But I am going to need a refill soon; I feel like it has definitely helped, so I want to continue. I don't want to go back to how I was prior. Plus, I'm starting counseling again on Tuesday, which I'm actually kind of excited about.
I'm in a good mood right now! It's nice.
I'm slowly trying to get through this book. It just isn't interesting enough for me to read. It is basically asking the question of who actually holds power in government, and is using a small case study to build a theory, but the writing is so history-heavy and it is just. I don't know. My attention is not captured.
Though I did feel kind of awesome when the TAs got together and I got to explain some U.S. history to the others. Since everyone minus me is International, they've been asking me questions about our history and government and everything, and I like being able to relay information! Plus as much as I complain about history now (for the study of institutions!), I actually like U.S. History a lot; I got a tad excited when I was able to talk a little about the Civil War.
Still have yet to call my doctor, mostly because I keep forgetting until it is late at night. But I am going to need a refill soon; I feel like it has definitely helped, so I want to continue. I don't want to go back to how I was prior. Plus, I'm starting counseling again on Tuesday, which I'm actually kind of excited about.
I'm in a good mood right now! It's nice.
Friday, February 1, 2013
I know this is my third entry for today but oh well I am distracted and this book is really kind of boring. It is talking all about the political sphere in New Haven, CT, and I'm assuming it is to build a theory later on, but as of now, I've yet to see a fully-fledged out hypothesis. Which is really kind of annoying, actually. Though to be fair, I might have missed it; my attention span has not been very...good for the past few hours.
Dinner had yet to be eaten, and I'm really not...hungry. My stomach is feeling unsettled, for some reason (probably because I've been thinking about stuff which usually has that affect on me). Though I'm used to it by now, I still don't like it. I should have something, but I really don't want to at the same time. The times I actually eat semi-well (as in, quantities; quality is never really that great) are usually when I am with friends or something, and am distracted enough to just eat rather than think about stuff and have my stomach get all twisted and gross-feeling. It's a big reason I go out to eat way more than I probably should.
This reminds me: I should go get more pants. Having only two properly fit me anymore is kind of annoying. Though the belt makes it somewhat better, it's kind of really noticeable.
Tomorrow I'm definitely going to go to the office; I am usually way more productive when I'm there than when I'm at home. Besides, roommate might have his D&D people over, and I just don't like being here a lot when they're all around. I don't really know anything about them, but I dislike him, and it just is kind of awkward sometimes.
I want to ask guy if he wants to watch puppy bowl with me and friends. I'm more excited for that than the Superbowl, and I have no regrets about that.
Skyping with Karen in less than an hour! (Maybe while talking to her I'll snack on something...)
[Edit] - Didn't eat. Oh well. Also, talk was fantastic. I really miss her.
Dinner had yet to be eaten, and I'm really not...hungry. My stomach is feeling unsettled, for some reason (probably because I've been thinking about stuff which usually has that affect on me). Though I'm used to it by now, I still don't like it. I should have something, but I really don't want to at the same time. The times I actually eat semi-well (as in, quantities; quality is never really that great) are usually when I am with friends or something, and am distracted enough to just eat rather than think about stuff and have my stomach get all twisted and gross-feeling. It's a big reason I go out to eat way more than I probably should.
This reminds me: I should go get more pants. Having only two properly fit me anymore is kind of annoying. Though the belt makes it somewhat better, it's kind of really noticeable.
Tomorrow I'm definitely going to go to the office; I am usually way more productive when I'm there than when I'm at home. Besides, roommate might have his D&D people over, and I just don't like being here a lot when they're all around. I don't really know anything about them, but I dislike him, and it just is kind of awkward sometimes.
I want to ask guy if he wants to watch puppy bowl with me and friends. I'm more excited for that than the Superbowl, and I have no regrets about that.
Skyping with Karen in less than an hour! (Maybe while talking to her I'll snack on something...)
[Edit] - Didn't eat. Oh well. Also, talk was fantastic. I really miss her.
I finally watched the last episode of Hellsing Ultimate, and I partially regret it only because now I want to go through and watch all of it again. I'll have to tell Brendan to watch it if he has not yet.
But it was awesome.
Integra is especially impressive, honestly. Probably my favourite, in the end. She's just beyond badass.
Should get back to work, shouldn't I?
Stuff is on my mind. As usual.
But it was awesome.
Integra is especially impressive, honestly. Probably my favourite, in the end. She's just beyond badass.
Should get back to work, shouldn't I?
Stuff is on my mind. As usual.
I just ordered STATA and two textbooks and I'm sad about the amount of money I just lost due to those three things.
Also I have only read two chapters of this book for American and I'm already bored with it. It is a whole lot of historical facts, which I'm not as interested in as studying the actual institutions. Man, comparative really got me with that 'anti-history unless it is absolutely necessary' point of view; my comparative prof must be so proud.
Tasks for the weekend include finishing this book, starting (and hopefully completing) the assignment for Statistics, completing the reading for Statistics (if I get to it), reading the book for my first TA session and figuring out a lesson plan for that (while collaborating with the other TAs), and watching the puppy bowl. Because I care way more about that than the superbowl. I just need to figure out if they'll stream it or something, since lack of cable and everything.
Gotta get back into work mode. Even though I'd rather just...go play video games. And watch movies. And go to the arcade. You know. Stuff like that.
I kind of want to text guy. About stupid stuff. Not anything serious-stupid, but legitimately stupid. I kind of just want to talk to him? But he's at work, and I'm annoying, so maybe I'll just...not. I don't know.
Also I have only read two chapters of this book for American and I'm already bored with it. It is a whole lot of historical facts, which I'm not as interested in as studying the actual institutions. Man, comparative really got me with that 'anti-history unless it is absolutely necessary' point of view; my comparative prof must be so proud.
Tasks for the weekend include finishing this book, starting (and hopefully completing) the assignment for Statistics, completing the reading for Statistics (if I get to it), reading the book for my first TA session and figuring out a lesson plan for that (while collaborating with the other TAs), and watching the puppy bowl. Because I care way more about that than the superbowl. I just need to figure out if they'll stream it or something, since lack of cable and everything.
Gotta get back into work mode. Even though I'd rather just...go play video games. And watch movies. And go to the arcade. You know. Stuff like that.
I kind of want to text guy. About stupid stuff. Not anything serious-stupid, but legitimately stupid. I kind of just want to talk to him? But he's at work, and I'm annoying, so maybe I'll just...not. I don't know.
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