./rambles

Today, I went through my thought process on how I feel about letting things go.  That I cannot actually imagine - at any point in the foreseeable future - me getting out of this pool of anger and hatred that I have been drowning in, because it is just so overpowering and consuming.  I don't want anyone else to jump into this pool with me, but I just can't imagine myself getting out.  Because the emotions are still so fucking strong.  That when people tell me I should let things go, I don't have the heart to tell them that I have no idea how to do that.  

Of course, I would like to.  

And although my anger was validated - because holy hell I should be angry - I was advised to try to not get stuck in a rut.  Don't only fall prey to that anger and hate.  I should allow myself to feel it, because I deserve to be hurt and pissed off by everything.  And I do.  I do have reason to be.  Actually, I noted that there might be a small part of me that doesn't want to let go of that anger.  Because it is some sort of righteousness - if that is the correct word - that I'm clinging to.  That he deserves someone he has wronged so badly to hate him.  That I don't want to get to a point where I don't care or do not hate him because there should be someone who despises him for the despicable things that he has done.  However, that is a small part of me, because trust me, I would much rather just not think about all of this and not carry all this anger and hatred with me if I felt like I could right now.  But, it was also noted that the reason I'm probably drowning in this metaphorical pool is also because I am having such a hard time forgiving myself.  I'm so angry with myself, especially considering how I was prior.  Holed up in my fort...I was safe.  When I said that I sometimes think it would have been better had I never left that fort and that I would like to be able to return to it, I was asked on whether or not I would truly be happy there.  

I said that I wouldn't be.  But I would be safe again.  

And right now, I think that would be better.  

I was asked if I believe it would have been better had I not loved at all. 

I replied that I felt like the right answer would be to say no, but I sincerely believe that...yes.  Yes it would have been.  

I left my fort, and ended up damaged. 

Really, I always had problems before, and they would not have magically disappeared had I never left.  But I would not carry all of this on top of the things I've always had to deal with before. 

I was advised to start writing in an actual notebook.  Things to say as if he were standing in front of me.  And then when I feel like I've written enough, no matter when that may be, to do whatever I need to do in order to end this saga. 

And begin a new one.