More of the same

Sometimes I sincerely wonder if I'm broken beyond repair.

That thought scares me, but I really do think about it.

Because even with the counseling, and the medication, and the new loving friends I go to...I'm still like this.  I still am sad and angry a majority of the time.  I continue to think awful things about myself, and repeat in my head how worthless I truly am, despite some evidence to the contrary.  I still have problems eating, because my nerves and emotions mess around with how my stomach feels.  I still fantasize about bad things happening to me, because I sometimes wonder if that would be better.

I've been told that my roller coaster-ing of emotions is good, since I don't feel that crippling sadness all the time anymore.  But for every day I sincerely feel happy, I think I'll have three or four where I feel like this.

And then the stress from work just piles on top of everything.  And when I don't understand things or don't get as much done as I should have, the voice in my head that hates who I am just screams at me.  I don't know how to get rid of that voice.  I'm trying to.

I want to.

Because I sincerely doubt that anyone thinks as lowly of me as I do.