Reminiscing

So I made the mistake of going back and looking through some past pictures of us.  (Though, honestly, I didn't seek them out.  I was just going through all of my pictures on facebook and happened to stumble across some.)  Of course, it made me sad, in an...odd way, though.

In these pictures, there appears to be so much...happiness.

The one particularly that caught my eye was a picture we took in London, inside a red telephone booth.  It just appears so genuine...  All of these do.

They paint a lie, it appears.

The guy who is in the pictures with me is the one that I still have trouble letting go of.  Because to me, he was perfect.  Even his flaws were perfect to me.  The problem is that he didn't actually exist.  He doesn't exist.  He never existed.  That loving person who was perfect and kind and just a good person was nothing but a finely crafted mask hiding the monster behind it.

It makes me sad that this person whom I regarded so highly and loved and adored so much could do horrible things to me.  Could lie to me over and over, and still claim to my face that he never did such a thing.  Could betray me.  Could make me feel safe and then rip out the rug from underneath me over and over and fucking over again.  And every time I would stand back up and get on that rug because I loved him and was so blind to everything he was and everything he had done.  And he took advantage of that.  He took advantage of my feelings for him and the trust I had in him.

And that - although fueling my ever-expanding hate for him - just makes me incredibly sad.

For my judgment about this person, who I loved so much, to be so wrong...I still can't really believe it.  Because of it, I still question my judgments about people all the time.  I question their motives, their feelings about me...I question my perception.  And I shouldn't do that, because all it does it add more reasons for me to fall into the circle of self-loathing.

This past year has been miserable.

I spent March completely in shock, while he was out hooking up with people.  April began my inability to eat properly, because I began realizing the lies, when I heard about what he had been doing.  May and June I spent in blissful ignorance, being led on and believing that this breakup was truly temporary and that he wanted to be with me in the end.  July I spent in a huge argument with him, and also had my sister's wedding and a bunch of events related to it.  Instead of being truly happy for her, I was upset the entire time.  August I began questioning myself and our "friendship," because I was still getting vibes that there was something there.  September I began realizing what an awful friend he was to me.  October was when I finally started going to therapy and when I saw him last, spilling my guts to him and have him tell me what was probably more lies, considering what else went on that weekend with him.  November was when I finally decided I couldn't do it anymore, but I still questioned the decision to not talk to him for a long time.  December is when my loathing for him started to take off.  January is when I started medication and began suspecting he had a new girlfriend.  February is when I gained a new friend, which is very very good and I'm very happy with that, but it is also when my anger and hate for him reached gross levels that I sometimes don't feel like I can handle.  It helps to have people to talk to about it, though.

I was informed that I shouldn't be as hard on myself as I am, for not being completely okay by now.  That I forget how I was a year ago.  In a zombie-like state, constantly.  Going to work, coming home, and going to sleep.  Things like that.  But I do wish I was at a point where I didn't care at all about this or him.  He doesn't deserve me thinking about him.  Certainly, I doubt it is vice-versa, since he has gone through enough people since me (despite telling me otherwise and despite telling me he didn't want to, or something).

The thought of seeing him makes my skin crawl, honestly.  But despite that we're in different states at the moment, I don't think I can avoid him forever.  I know I can't, actually.

It just...

It just isn't fair.

And I know shit like this never is, but I still feel cheated.  In many different ways.

I know forgiveness for him is pretty much out of the question, because I can't fathom doing such a thing.  But forgiveness for myself...I'm still working towards.  Because I know I won't find any sort of peace until I forgive myself for being wrong.  It was pointed out to me how distorted my thought process is: instead of being solely angry at the person who betrayed me (if angry at all), I am angry with myself, for being betrayed.  And...that isn't fair.  Because betrayal implies that I had a level of trust in someone and I took a leap of faith. I didn't do anything wrong by trusting.  He did something wrong when he betrayed that trust again and again.

I need to keep seeing it like that, until I finally convince myself that I can be forgiven.

What happens after that, I don't know.

But that is the first step.