Seriously I need to stop buying pops.
Just won an ebay bid for a greyscale captain america, and bought the two winter soldiers (unmasked and masked) and I keep watching more and I don't have the money to throw around but I want them.
I shouldn't have gotten into this now I'm like "MUST. COLLECT. MORE."
Like, I've been selling stuff on ebay but it is hard to make a profit when I immediately am like "oh now I can buy more funkos!"
I should head back to Bing maybe earlier than I thought. Try to get some tutoring gigs or start dog walking or something like that. I need to figure out some way to make cash during this semester off. I just didn't want to start until I was in one place.
Also I've been super self-conscious about the way I look the past few days and ugh I wanna stop eating again. I shouldn't want to do that, but I kinda do. I've been wanting to work out but it is difficult to have motivation when I'm by myself.
Tuesday, July 28, 2015
Sunday, July 26, 2015
Thursday, July 23, 2015
Leaving for Baltimore tomorrow for Otakon 2015!
I'm honestly excited, and that is kind of a big deal for me? Last year, I knew I should have felt excited, but I truly wasn't. Not like how I am now. Then again, last year at this time I couldn't really feel much of anything. I was a hollow shell. Now, I actually have emotions again, and the emotions aren't all anger and sadness, but really excited and happy at times!
Like, since I've been on the abilify, things have been so much better. I'm sure some of things have to do with my taking a break from school to just do whatever I want, writing more things that I actually want to write, and exercising more (even though I've gotten lazy again since I've been home because I have no one to work out and motivate me like I do when I go to classes in Bing), but I think switching the medication was the catalyst which started everything. And I feel less anxious about talking to people and stuff too! I was able to do something nice for a mutual on tumblr who was feeling super sad because I wasn't too anxious to speak with her, and that is kind of a big deal for me.
I still would like to find a therapist when I get back, because I can't use Nancy while I'm on medical leave, but things don't seem nearly as terrible as they did two months ago. Hell, maybe I really could go back after just one semester off and finish! That would be great, in my opinion! I still don't know if academia is really what I want, but having the PhD is still something I think I want, if even for my own ambitious desires. But again, I don't want to be miserable, so perhaps it is still something to think about.
But yes, new medication has been good to me.
I'm honestly excited, and that is kind of a big deal for me? Last year, I knew I should have felt excited, but I truly wasn't. Not like how I am now. Then again, last year at this time I couldn't really feel much of anything. I was a hollow shell. Now, I actually have emotions again, and the emotions aren't all anger and sadness, but really excited and happy at times!
Like, since I've been on the abilify, things have been so much better. I'm sure some of things have to do with my taking a break from school to just do whatever I want, writing more things that I actually want to write, and exercising more (even though I've gotten lazy again since I've been home because I have no one to work out and motivate me like I do when I go to classes in Bing), but I think switching the medication was the catalyst which started everything. And I feel less anxious about talking to people and stuff too! I was able to do something nice for a mutual on tumblr who was feeling super sad because I wasn't too anxious to speak with her, and that is kind of a big deal for me.
I still would like to find a therapist when I get back, because I can't use Nancy while I'm on medical leave, but things don't seem nearly as terrible as they did two months ago. Hell, maybe I really could go back after just one semester off and finish! That would be great, in my opinion! I still don't know if academia is really what I want, but having the PhD is still something I think I want, if even for my own ambitious desires. But again, I don't want to be miserable, so perhaps it is still something to think about.
But yes, new medication has been good to me.
Tuesday, July 21, 2015
Oh my god it's like he's balding and I'm sitting here laughing hysterically.
(His gf is super pretty though, ngl.)
Also yes I know I'm being mean but when it comes to him I'm allowed.
...THE REAL QUESTION IS WHY AM I EVEN LOOKING? Seriously I haven't looked in forever and suddenly when I start all this mushy shit goes up? What is even happening its like we synced up and that makes me wanna take a cold as fuck shower because no.
(His gf is super pretty though, ngl.)
Also yes I know I'm being mean but when it comes to him I'm allowed.
...THE REAL QUESTION IS WHY AM I EVEN LOOKING? Seriously I haven't looked in forever and suddenly when I start all this mushy shit goes up? What is even happening its like we synced up and that makes me wanna take a cold as fuck shower because no.
Monday, July 20, 2015
Sunday, July 19, 2015
This is petty, but...
I still hate the idea of my ex being happy? Like, it doesn't keep me up at night or anything anymore, but it still bothers me when I think about it (rare, nowadays). Because he doesn't deserve it, in my eyes. Why should he be happy after what he did to me and to others? Why does he get to have a girlfriend who loves and supports him and a good job and all that stupid bullshit when he was a terrible fucking human being who had no regard for anyone other than himself? Who caused me so much pain and suffering and gave me nothing but bullshit apologies that meant absolutely nothing?
Why does someone like that get to have happiness?
It is just something that I sometimes think about.
I'm probably getting to be too black-and-white again. I need to remember that people are shades of gray.
(But that motherfucker still deserves a kick to the throat.)
I mean, it is less annoying now, since I've been doing great on the new medication, but. Still.
I still hate the idea of my ex being happy? Like, it doesn't keep me up at night or anything anymore, but it still bothers me when I think about it (rare, nowadays). Because he doesn't deserve it, in my eyes. Why should he be happy after what he did to me and to others? Why does he get to have a girlfriend who loves and supports him and a good job and all that stupid bullshit when he was a terrible fucking human being who had no regard for anyone other than himself? Who caused me so much pain and suffering and gave me nothing but bullshit apologies that meant absolutely nothing?
Why does someone like that get to have happiness?
It is just something that I sometimes think about.
I'm probably getting to be too black-and-white again. I need to remember that people are shades of gray.
(But that motherfucker still deserves a kick to the throat.)
I mean, it is less annoying now, since I've been doing great on the new medication, but. Still.
Thursday, July 16, 2015
I had an ex-related dream last night.
Brain. Why?
It involved him and his gf and a mutual friend. We had to share this area with only two desks, and we were working on something - but separately. His gf and our mutual friend were there, but they were in a different area; his gf kept watching me and stuff. She wasn't mean or anything. More like she was curious. He started looking for something in his notes and I ended up getting up to try and help and just was really snarky and passive aggressive towards him.
Finally, at some point I blew up and started explaining to him a bunch of things but he really didn't seem like he wanted to listen to me. Which is typical of him. I remember throwing my hands up and going back to my desk, angry that I had to work with him on this thing we were doing.
There was more to it but I don't remember; I should have written it down when I first woke up from it a few hours ago (but then I went back to sleep).
Why I had an ex dream, I have no idea.
Brain. Why?
It involved him and his gf and a mutual friend. We had to share this area with only two desks, and we were working on something - but separately. His gf and our mutual friend were there, but they were in a different area; his gf kept watching me and stuff. She wasn't mean or anything. More like she was curious. He started looking for something in his notes and I ended up getting up to try and help and just was really snarky and passive aggressive towards him.
Finally, at some point I blew up and started explaining to him a bunch of things but he really didn't seem like he wanted to listen to me. Which is typical of him. I remember throwing my hands up and going back to my desk, angry that I had to work with him on this thing we were doing.
There was more to it but I don't remember; I should have written it down when I first woke up from it a few hours ago (but then I went back to sleep).
Why I had an ex dream, I have no idea.
Friday, July 10, 2015
Funko Collection List 7/10
Supernatural
- Castiel with Wings (Hot Topic Exclusive)
- Leviathan!Castiel (Hot Topic Exclusive)
- French Mistake!Castiel(/Misha) (SDCC Exclusive) x2
- FBI!Dean (Hot Topic Exclusive)
- FBI!Sam (Hot Topic Exlusive)
- Crowley with Red Eyes (Hot Topic Exclusive)
- Charlie Bradbury
- Castle Black!Jon Snow (Hot Topic Exclusive)
- Jaime Lannister with Golden Hand (Hot Topic Exclusive Pre-Release)
Marvel/MCU
- Unmasked Captain America (SDCC Exclusive)
- Rocket with Potted Groot (SDCC Exclusive) x2
Disney (inc. Pixar)
- Coronation!Elsa with Orb and Sceptre (Hot Topic Exclusive)
- Glitter!Sadness (SDCC Exclusive)
- Glitter!Joy (SDCC Exclusive)
- Lumpy Space Princess (Adventure Time)
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