After being unable to fall asleep for a while I finally did at around 2 in the morning, only to have to wake up at 4.  And then I spent the entire plane ride reading A Storm of Swords instead of sleeping, since I had a soda and was therefore caffeinated.

Maybe it is due to the exhaustion that I am not as excited as I feel as I should be, given that I'm sitting in the waiting area next to the ship.  This oddly, from what I remember, happened last year as well: I was not feeling too excited for real, but kept saying how much I was in reality.  I mean, I know I am excited; I've been saying it for some time now.  But I don't feel it, if that makes any sense? 

When I'm tired I go through melancholy thoughts, even when I am about to do something super fun. 

But it should be a good time.  I might take a nap when I get on the boat or something. 

That won't be for a while now.  We have a habit of getting here super early.  

...I do miss my Callie face already though.  I'm such a baby. 

Alright.

Shit be packed and ready to go, basically.  I'll just need to grab a few other things before leaving but they are next to my bed so I see them and do not forget, since I otherwise probably would given that we are leaving here at 4:30 in the morning to catch a 6:00 flight.  Luckily, it is out of the airport close by, rather than JFK or LaGuardia.

Also finished South Africa today and got that up, so when I get back I only have one more country left to do.

I am a little angry because my boots for Kurisu did not arrive today when they were supposed to.  Did get my lab coat, belt, and tie, though.  I'll just have to make sure boots are okay when I get back.

Had some dreams involving death themes last night, probably because my cousin's grandfather passed away the other day.  They were not frightening or anything...it was more that everyone was sad about people dying and I could not compute what was going on, for some reason.  Like, I knew what had happened and I could comprehend it, but I could not feel the same sadness everyone else did.  It was just me going around trying to feel something but being entirely unsuccessful.

And then I wondered if I was a monster, for feeling so little.

Bah, let's not think about that, because cruise time.

Hopefully I'll have the ability to post tomorrow too, before I am away from ze internet for some time.

It feels weird whenever I go on a trip without the pup, since I feel oddly incomplete.  Even when I was eating pizza, I was wondering where she was, since her face wasn't in my lap giving me the puppy eyes.  And then I remembered that she did not come down with me.  She was very sad about that, and roommate messaged me saying that she was still sad and missing me and I always hate leaving her for an extended period of time.  But luckily it is only for a week, basically.  And that week shall be spent cruising with family!

I am excited about that.  It will be nice to get away from stress and Binghamton and stress.

Good news, though!  At my meeting with my adviser today, we talked about a possible paper to coauthor, which would include a survey experiment if we were able to get money for it.  The theory sounds really awesome, and he said that he's been sitting on this idea for a while but just hasn't had time and stuff.  So maybe my helping could cut workload (especially the more time consuming stuff like searching for articles and all) down for him and it could be super beneficial for me in terms of getting a possible publication.  I will be riding his coattails a little, since he is a big name in foreign policy stuff, but as long as I have other work either by myself or with grad students then I should be okay having something with a prof.

And then I asked about my cartel parties paper and how I could start working with the research design and stuff.  My FISC paper is still first in my head though...or it should be, since I keep saying that is what my comps paper is probably going to be.


I should get more music before Saturday.  Yes, this is a good idea.  I have been slacking on listening to new stuff.


Bad thing: I have been feeling really uncomfortable with my body lately.  The fact that I'm eating more and consuming more calories than I did a year ago should be a good thing, but I keep thinking that it isn't and that I should cut back.  Despite that I am also exercising more now.

National Security Archive, I am quite pleased and impressed by the speed with which you responded to my email requesting stuff.  I'm hoping that the information you gave to me will be enough of an addition in order to get the ball rolling on my FISC paper, because I really do need to start seriously looking to edit that.  But for the time being, I'm just going to read; I'd like to finish this book by tomorrow so I could give it back to my prof (unless he wants me to keep it for some time for reasons).

My attention span is super fucked up today (which I guess hasn't been very different from the last few days).  I really just want to play Zelda.

Roommates and I decided to - for some ungodly reason - watch the brony documentary on netflix and let's just say it was kind of terrible.  Basically just self-glorifying and a lot of "no homo"-ness, erasure of girls and women in the fandom (the former being the actual target audience) and a complete lack of coverage about any negative aspects, like, oh I don't know, the gross sexualization of a cartoon show about ponies.

It was kind of a train wreck.

Roommates knew nothing about bronies or 4chan or pretty much a ton of internet stuff so after I tell them things they become almost fascinated.  I'm not sure how bronies were first brought up in a past conversation, but they thought I was lying when I said that a large piece of that subculture is super gross with the sexualizing thing.  (And they had zero idea what I was talking about when I first mentioned 4chan, and then I just laughed and told them to go look at it.  They did.  Their reactions were fantastic.)


Anyway...session today was good, and I was able to mention the dreams I had and how vivid they were this weekend and how that fucked me up really bad.  Specifically, I focused my attention on the one where his friends broke my fingers and basically ganged up on me so he wouldn't have to play me the following day in a match.  I talked about how that seemed so real to me that when I woke up I kept having to move my fingers around to make sure they were okay, and I wasn't able to do anything after that, pretty much opting to shower and stuff.

We went through the dream, trying to figure out meanings and stuff.  First, the fear aspect: despite that the frat brothers of his I have spoken with have all basically said that he is an asshole and I did not deserve what he did to me and that they all knew how volatile and stupid he was being and the mistake he was making (etc., etc.), I carried this fear that people would think me insane and everything that went down was not as terrible as it really and honestly was for me.  Maybe the dream focused on his fighting game friends for a reason.  While I was not fond of his frat as a whole, there were some individual members I really liked and respected (his best friend from college and I, for example, are still on great terms and always get super excited whenever we see each other); I was able to talk to them in a way I couldn't his fighting game friends, who - aside from one at the tournament I went to really - never really paid me any attention.  He was the important one, and I was more the...accessory, so to say.  So perhaps that is why they were the manifestation of the "no one will listen to me" thing.

The breaking fingers thing was a bit trickier to pinpoint, but I started thinking about maybe it was a reflection of my inferiority complex when I was with him.  He did pretty much everything better than I did.  He was more athletic, he was better at video games, he was more social, he was smarter, he had great talents, he was fucking fantastic at coding, etc., etc.  And in comparing myself to him, my already low self-esteem just plummeted.  Whenever I thought that I was maybe getting good at something, he would turn around and do it better on the first try.  So, perhaps the breaking of my fingers was a reminder of that sense of inferiority.  That even though I was an underdog, the fact that I was even decent enough to go against him at something was unacceptable, and I had to be pushed back down to be reminded of the fact that I was not at his level.

Then of course, there was the question of whether or not he actually had - in dreamverse - sent those people to do that to me.  And that played on my sense of betrayal.  I did not know if he did or did not, but the mere thought was enough to have me feel hurt.  I remember being more sad than angry, and being in disbelief but also unsurprised, if that makes any sense whatsoever.

Super-vivid dreams are always annoying and disconcerting, but this one was especially bad given its content, and so it remained a conversation topic for some time.


Also talked about anxieties in terms of house stuff and school and how I'm getting more and more uncomfortable the closer the school year gets and I am so fucking worried of having a semester similar to the one that just passed.

Bah.

But then after session and agility, I played Zelda for some time and neglected responsibilities.  ...Which I'm realizing I should not have done because the meeting I thought I had on Thursday was actually scheduled for tomorrow.  ...I already emailed asking to push that back.

South Africa is also almost done being coded.  Wooooo.  So.  Close.

"proud of myself, and the loner I've become"

I finally started A Link Between Worlds and it is so much fun so far and I have a feeling I will get through this rather quickly.  Then again, I always misjudge how long Zelda games will take me (either thinking a game will be longer or shorter than it actually is), so we will see.  If anything, I can bring it on cruise with me, even though my major plan for that is to get through (hopefully) the rest of A Song of Ice and Fire.

And I got through most of 2009 for South Africa in terms of coding, so that is good.  I would like to finish that and start Namibia this week if possible, but at the same time I might want to spend some time tomorrow doing my own work, since I have another meeting with my adviser to go over shit.

It has started to hit me more and more that I really should become more open to coauthoring with some other grad students, given that it would be mutually beneficial and allow me to expand my reach for papers with not as much work as if I tried to go it alone.  The only problem is that I am really not good when it comes to working with people, and I have made that known among my cohort.  I'd rather go it alone and therefore have all the responsibilities (and likewise all the blame if shit goes wrong).  It is kind of how I've always been.  Despite that these are people I can rely on for the most part - unlike the vast majority of past group projects in my educational history - I still am uncomfortable with the idea.  However, I will have a higher chance of getting things finished and getting manuscripts out for publications if I coauthor some things.  ...Which is also problematic in that my area does not really cross with anyone in my cohort's area.  There is one possibility, but he and I look at slightly different things in terms of foreign policy, and he focuses on a comparative perspective while I am usually American.  Plus I think he has others he is coauthoring with already and thus probably has too much on his plate.

I guess I kind of shot myself in the foot with this stuff.

I rarely go out due to sad feels, not wanting to socialize, lack of desire to go to bars, etc.  But in not going out I have shoved myself away from possible coauthorships.  The sad thing is that on some level I am completely fine with this.


Also I went to health services to get my head looked at.  Things seem fine, apparently.  Woo.


Oh, other stuff on my do-to list for this summer (in other words: things I should do, but probably will not):
- Website.  Buy a domain and start that shit or something.
- There is an online journal idea one of the roommates and I have been very attached to for a few months now and we really would like to get started on that.  It would be something done for fun but also be a way to apply the shit we have learned and everything.
- Actual work.  Seriously man, you just keep coding and ignoring your own shit because coding is more mindless.  Stop sucking at everything.


I've been a fatty today.  All I want are my double chocolate doughnuts.

I'm feeling weird.  Blank, really.

Kurisu

Luckily, I did not have the same surreal weird experiences today as I did yesterday.   Wheee.  Of course, dreams did occur, though I do not remember exactly what happened in them, but I woke up at a reasonable hour and then stayed up in order to get coding and other shit done.  All while watching stand-up comics and wishing I was playing games instead.  And I still have not gotten through a reasonable enough chunk of South Africa and that shit is annoying as hell.  So I will probably continue that tonight.  Maybe.  Hopefully. 

Unfortunately, though, I have been in these weird moods; I keep going back and forth between being sad and feeling nothing and then being okay and then back to being sad and it all just continues in this weird cycle that I'm sure no one wants to listen to.  

I do want to call best friend, since it is her birfday today.  I've been running around trying to figure out a gift and I might have figured something out finally but I'm not sure.  So woo. 

Uh, what else...oh!  Bought some more shit for Kurisu cosplay!  Now I just need the shirt, tie, and the boots and I should be set!  I will not be attempting coloured contacts; I used to say that every single year but I'm realizing more and more that I just do not care.  For a prop I might get a Dr. Pepper bottle to walk around with.  Though since I don't drink that I might just fill it with Coke and keep it on the hush-hush.  Or I'll go propless.  Or I'll think of something else. 

While I am excited about Ota and this cosplay it still feels a bit weird for me, as ex and I alluded to ourselves as Kurisu and Okabe when we were together (he even made the distinction more than I did) and wanted to cosplay them for a future con.  Obviously that was not going to happen, and so I tabled the thought of ever going as her in the future.  Really, what pushed me towards her this year was not only that she seemed appropriate given my budget and skill level, but also that after I listed possibilities, my friend said that she hoped I would pick her because she thought that her outfit would look really cute on me.  And then when I mentioned that my main hesitation was ex-related, she basically said that (while understandable) she sincerely hoped that I would not allow his memory to bar me from what could be a great cosplay choice.  Her saying that pushed me towards Kurisu, and I am happy that it did, overall.  But sometimes I do get sad or angry or something of the sort because when I first ever thought of cosplaying her, I was convinced I would have an Okabe with me.  

But really, ex wouldn't deserve to be Okabe anyway?  That character is just so fun and loving and wonderful.  It'd be terrible to have ex be the one to personify and therefore bastardize that character in any way. 

...I'm in a mood, okay?

There are some people on my dash hating on the new Thor because she's a woman and Marvel is "messing with" the norse mythology and I kind of just want to shake them and be all "STOP BEING A SEXIST PIECE OF SHIT."  Because seriously, Marvel!Thor and norse!Thor have so little in fucking common, chill the fuck out.  We all know you just are all pissy because how dare Marvel strip a male hero of his title and give it to a woman.  Booooooo.

I wanted to write this big rebuttal but I don't know anything from the comics so I did not.  I was also tempted to post the waaahmbulance vid but I opted to not do that either.

Man, I wish I could do armour or be able to sew or some shit because I definitely would love to cosplay her for Ota in addition to Kurisu.  

I have spent today in a daze, walking around like a drunk person.  Seriously, I haven't really been able to balance or anything, and I've been feeling dizzy and lightheaded and weak and just overall shitty.  Despite this, I did exercise before, which ended up probably not being the best of ideas, as I felt even worse afterward.  And now, I can't really focus on anything, and I feel like I'm still in that half-asleep, half-awake mode where I am sometimes either dreaming or hallucinating.  

And of course, because my earlier dreams involved the ex, any partial dreams/hallucinations have been having to do with him as well, and so my mood has been just awful and I've been sad and I just want everyone to leave me alone instead of constantly asking me how I'm feeling.  One involved his new group of friends basically ganging up on me and breaking my fingers and doing other shit because I said something they didn't like about him and I had gotten good enough to play at EVO (at Smash, not Marvel or SF) and was supposed to face him the next day and they wanted to take me out beforehand, despite that I was a huge underdog.  And they also drugged me so I was basically a zombie and I couldn't function or do anything and I dunno.  After that I felt very weird.  Shaken, like it actually happened or something.  Again, everything has been really really vivid today. 

I wanted to spend today coding, not having waking nightmares and shit. 

So I just woke up and my sense of time is all fucked up and I feel like something is wrong with me since I could have sworn I was awake longer and I had really vivid fucking dreams (of course involving ex and shit) so I guess I thought I was awake or something and I'm feeling really weird right now and have a bad headache and am still kind of wondering if I am actually asleep or if I am awake.

Goddamn dreams.  Fucking up everything.

Also I really should go to doctor about head.  Monday, I should go to the walk-in hours at health services.


Dreams involved him responding to one of my entries on here and then we went back and forth and eventually met up at Ursinus and stuff happened.  Stupid stuff.

dhsjkfdsajkf

I kind of hate everything right now.

Sad feels.

Self-hating feels.

Meh.

This is poop.

Time for bed.

Part of me has been debating about doing a series of videos which would all be themed "Dear ______" or something.  In other words, videos to certain people or groups of people; basically what I want to say to them or what I would want to say to them if I saw them in person.

I guess this would be one way for me to get my conversation with the ex in without actually doing it, or something, but would also let me do the same thing for other people (though I guess ex is the one driving this idea, let's be quite honest).

Bah.  Maybe.  We'll see.

Little sister left not too long ago, sadly.  She has to work tomorrow, but luckily we will be reunited next week and then be on a giant boat with the parental units.  I am excite for that.

Yesterday we went to the mall in Syracuse, which is comparable to KoP in terms of size.  So we spent all day there, with me mainly looking for cosplay stuff.  I was able to find shorts and tights, and I did find a shirt, though to me it was too expensive to justify buying.  Instead I'll look around thrift stores and all and see what I can locate.  Frustratingly, I was unable to find adequate boots, so that search continues.  This week I'll try to run around and see what I can find.  I do need to also get a lab coat, and then I'll need to do some altering to the shirt, though I might ask if someone else can do that (aka - someone with better sewing abilities).

And then today, I took her to our arcade and then to the movies, both of which she loved.  I was very pleased, and I have not been to the arcade in a while, so that was good.  I still have a decent amount of tokens left, so maybe I'll try and head back this week sometime.


"Should I have at least done a video message...?"  This question remains in my head and gets particularly loud whenever I wake up after a dream with ex in it.  Unfortunately those have become frequent again, and it is really annoying and tiring.  Instead of getting a decent night's sleep, I wake up tired and then drink a fuck ton of soda and caffeine and then have other problems and it just kind of sucks.

One of the best dreams I ever had with him in it involved me having head trauma and having to get brain surgery.  He showed up at the hospital, and when I looked at him, I had no idea who he was.  I just stared at him blankly, and told him that I had no idea who he was, but that I had a feeling he was a bad person, and therefore I wanted him to leave.  He tried to convince me that we were friends and that we cared about each other, and I said that he was lying, because I just had a terrible feeling about him, and knew that he would hurt me if he stuck around.

In terms of how ex-dreams go, that was the best one, because I forgot all that happened while still maintaining he was not a good person.  It was nice.

So things like that often continually poke at that question of confrontation, but a video message I really just find to be inadequate.  Not that it matters.  Again, he has yet another girlfriend, now has a new job in a new place, and probably a whole new Marvel gang to hang out with and it all just makes me kind of angry when I think about it.  I wish I could let it all go and everything, but looking at his possible happiness without any repercussions for the fucking shit he has done and the pain he has inflicted upon me and others is just...I don't know.  It just furthers my cynicism and belief that we live in a crapstastic world.

Really, there are days where I don't think about this as much as others.  Those are days where I am thoroughly distracted and am doing other things.  But regardless, I am sure he neither cares nor thinks about anything.  He probably also would just think that I am bitterly holding onto something, mocking my anger and all the hurt I have felt in the past like he once did.

When I think about it, I wish I used any opportunity I had in the past to punch him in the throat at least once.

Yeah, this shit is on my mind right now.  Dreams do that man.

One of my posts on tumblr has over 900 notes and has gotten me at least 10 new followers and I'm kind of very "whut" over it because of reasons.  But it is pretty cool; I have had a few dogs and puppies blogs follow me because of it...which means I immediately returned the favour and now my dash is flooded with cuddly canines and it is wonderful.


I was able to get a decent amount of work done today, probably because of the looming fact that I have a meeting tomorrow I am entirely unprepared for.  Luckily it is in the afternoon so I could do some things in the morning beforehand.  And hopefully after before my younger sister comes to visit.  I am super excite about that; she has never been to the house before.  I just need to come up with shit to do.  Maybe I'll take her to the mall in Syracuse, since she likes shopping and stuff (though my mother might kill me because she spends too much on clothes and everything).  Eh, I'll figure it out.  She and I are very laid back when it comes to planning anything.


In session today, I spoke about my cynicism towards people and the contradictory nature of most of my emotions.  As per the first, how my pessimistic attitude makes me feel like a monster, and how I often judge myself negatively when comparing my viewpoints to those of my roommates.  For one, I automatically go to the default "what is wrong with me" question.  And I search for answers and come up with more than a few explanations: my own perfectionism, working retail, ex-boyfriend crap, failed attempts at romance afterwards, being a social scientist, etc.  But then I would compare my experiences to those of my roommates and at least one of them has a very similar background, yet he is more optimistic.  And I can't understand it.  I had to be reminded that people respond to things differently and that is okay.  Also that it is not healthy for me to compare and judge myself so harshly (which is of course, still the default that I am very slowly trying to work on).

This segued into my emotional contradictions: how I find myself both lonely and wanting to be alone, mainly.  I talked about how going out and making new friends or dating is so fucking unappealing to me that I lately seem to actively avoid doing it (hell even people I know rarely see me nowadays).  However, the idea of having a new friend or skipping the courtship part of a new relationship (so basically just...be in the relationship) is appealing.  The comfortable stage.  (Besides, I don't have time to really invest a lot in new shit.)  I find this incredibly frustrating.  I will want to have company, but then a lot of times I'll get it, and I'm still unsatisfied and then just want them to go away.

Despite this, I was told that this was a good sign.  I was a bit confused, but she explained to me that the fact that I'm even thinking that any of that sounds appealing is an improvement and a sign of healing.  That it is no surprise that - in terms of romantic relationships - I remain skeptical of the dating scene, since that blew up in my face when I tried it.  But the fact that I find that I sometimes want that comfortable stage is good, since the ex put a huge damper on that for a long time.  Even still I tell myself no, out of a constant desire to protect myself from being hurt like that again.  And I am aware that if I want something new I will need to allow myself to be vulnerable in that capacity again; right now my fear overrides any loneliness.  I would rather be alone than go through all that I went through with the ex a second time.

It was...and is, truthfully, fucking terrible.

I am terrified of that happening again.  Part of me wonders if I would survive that a second time.  I almost didn't the first time.  A lot of times I did not want to.  It was too shocking; how could you go from telling your partner that they are the most important person in your life and that you love them more than anything and want to be with them forever to basically negating all of that within a week?  It hurt too much and was too confusing and I still do not understand it despite any explanations.  And it showed me how unreliable people can be.  So I did not want to survive many times.  I struggled through not even out of love for someone else but more that was what was expected of me.  And I still struggle, with some days being much harder than others, though I will say that things have gotten slowly easier.

We did note that I seem to have a type, and if I find myself attracted to someone new in an emotional way I should ask myself why that is: am I falling into the same pattern?  The same type of person who is not exactly a healthy individual for me to want to be with?  I'll need to be mindful of that if something new were to ever happen.

Friendships became a big topic as well.  I was asked whether or not I would be so adverse to people if I was with college roommate or best friend.  After thinking about it for a second, I said no, and that I probably would want to hang out with them as much as possible (or at least for a longer period of time).  We talked about my close relationship with those two, and highlighted something: we had some major differences between us.  College roommate and I liked a lot of the same things, but we also had varying interests in other categories and did not spend all of our time together.  And my closeness with best friend sometimes confuses people because we are so drastically different in personality and interests.  But despite her being so different from me, we have conquered a lot of shit and she has always been there for me and so I will never mind if she laughs at my cooking abilities every day.

After highlighting these differences, we talked about - if I felt comfortable - me going to grad student things to meet people from other departments (specifically, I said, the math and comp sci disciplines because I honestly gravitate towards those fields in terms of friends, though I might be biased because in undergrad that is who I hung around with a lot).  Though that gets difficult because I have gone to a few of those and really...the departments tend to stick to themselves instead of mingling, and trying to go up to an already enclosed circle is kind of intimidating and not my strong suit.

But maybe one day I'll try.  ...Maybe.  We will see.


...I know this was a serious entry and should end on a serious note but I will not do that because I think I found my new favourite gif that I need to share:

It gets funnier every time I watch it, I can't. 

Sometimes I shoot myself in the foot, metaphorically speaking, when I search other cosplays online.  Because who do I mostly find?  The people who are fucking excellent at it and gorgeous and look like the character came to life and I know that will never happen with me and it makes me a little sad.  Granted, these people know how to sew and everything and so can make their costumes from scratch.  But even their faces and body types and stuff are perfect.

I dunno.

Rarely do I like to admit out loud when I am self-conscious about my appearance, and looking at awesome cosplayers kind of brings that out hardcore.


Also my head still kind of hurts and I'm still a bit dizzy so I probably should go to the doctor, shouldn't I?

Today turned out to be a decently productive day which is a nice change of pace since the last few days of my life have involved me doing basically nothing.  

After getting up, walking Callie, and working out, I went with Callie to the dog shelter and gave them all the cans and bottles we had saved up (it was...a lot, let's just put it that way).  I was slightly nervous that she would freak out going back there but she did not at all and that was the ultimate test in my opinion.  She's become secure in her home and knew I wasn't going to leave her there like other people did.  And everyone was so happy to see her and they all were talking about how great she looked and how she behaved so well and again saying how lucky she was that I found her (to which I of course said that I was the lucky one, really, but perhaps both of us were in reality).  So I chatted with people there and saw a small puppy who was so fucking cute and then left after a walk.  We then went over to check out this local pet supplies store which I had been wanting to investigate since I've heard a lot of good things (the fact that they did not sell puppies/kittens was awesome to me and they had boxes for a fuck ton of local rescues).  And it was indeed awesome.  Callie was a bit crazy at first but she...kind of calmed down.  As if my nature, I left with stuff I originally did not intend on buying but saw it and decided 'oh what the hell.'  

Originally I had intended on stopping at a Sonic and eating lunch outside (and getting the pupper a hot dog for being so good), but I started to feel dizzy and a headache showed up, so I instead just stopped at a drive-thru and went home.  When I told roommate he was worried, since according to him I really did not look well the day of my fall at all, and so I promised him that if this persisted I would go to a doctor and get it checked out.  I honestly think it was just a heat-headache or a lack-of-caffeine headache, but I am known for avoiding the doctor as long as possible.  Hell it even took me a while to get a new doctor up here to prescribe me medication and then it took me a little to get fully comfortable with him.  I would just ask to see him but I think he mostly does the mental health stuff, which is fine.  

After wasting some time doing nothing, I did actually get a little bit of reading in for my own work!  Huzzah!  Mind you, it was not as much as it could have or probably should have been, but it was a small step since I have not really had my eyes set on my own stuff since coding began.  So, tomorrow I will plan on mostly working on my research (since I have a meeting on Wednesday I'm laughably unprepared for), but I will try and get to some South Africa coding as well.  

And then, Callie and I went to our ice cream stand and nommed some ice cream!  It was good. 

So overall, a good day.

(Laying off the serious stuff right now because of reasons.)

AHHHH

Omfg Marth you will always be my SSB baby but Lucina and Robin and Chrom are newcomers and this is a big fucking deal.  dhsjaklhdskajhd

You know, I was excited but not overly, but now I am so fucking pumped.

fdjisfhdskjfhdsk!!!!

spider

I just left a piece of toilet paper hanging on the inside of the tub to the outside to try and help a spider get out, which I couldn't do in a more direct way because spiders and I just do not mesh very well and they freak me the fuck out when they start moving and all that shit.

So hopefully he'll just get out and go on his merry way somewhere.

I felt better today and so I was able to exercise and mow the lawn and finish coding Botswana.  Huzzah.  I do wish that I did a bit more, not going to lie, but we had an intense storm and there was a tornado warning in the area so I was confined to inside (not that that is very different from my normal routine).  But I could have done more work or started coding South Africa or something like that.  Instead I sat around and played on my phone, mostly.  

I keep telling myself that I should get back to my Let's Play blog, but I've been so fucking lazy with everything that even playing a game seems like too much work for some reason.  And now I have the South Park game courtesy of roommate and I want to play that (though I have been told that people want to watch since it is pretty much like playing a SP movie, so I have read).  

Also, on the game front, part of me keeps hoping that someone will get a Wii U so I could play SSB when it comes out.  For some reason I'm biased against the 3DS version, and part of me has been thinking about trying to get decent at that game again.  I was pretty good for a casual player with Brawl; if I tried going to tournaments at my peak I would not have won them, but I might have done alright.  Maybe.  I don't know.  It was hard to tell sometimes.  Either way, it'd be fun to get really good at a game like that.  Normal fighting games are not exactly my forte (truthfully I never really tried; I got too frustrated after seeing so many competitive people since I don't understand the concept of them taking years to get that good), but I was pretty good at Melee and Brawl.  Again, for a casual player. 

Something that I have found myself doing since my relationship (even after its disastrous end) that I never really did before was think about weddings.  Specifically, how I would want mine to look.  Which is really fucking annoying for more than a few reasons.  Before relationship, I never really thought about things like that.  Instead, I dreamt about different careers and everything.  I did not think about weddings because I did not want to have one.  However, post-relationship changed many things, and that was one of them.  In my head, whatever I do should be non-conventional and non-serious, since I have never been one for traditional things and following crowds, and serious things usually just give me anxiety.  Dress would not be all white because I really don't like white all that much.  I already know the song for the dance with my father.  All that corny shit.  

But I just hate that things like that even cross my mind.  Of course, I also think about career stuff still, but I sometimes find my inner voice telling me that is all that should be in my head.  Despite any loneliness I feel, I just am not comfortable enough around people nowadays to try dating or anything.  Plus, I really hate trying to do anything like that without establishing the connection first, which is really stupid and stuff and makes everything harder but is how I am.  And I know "that's just how I am" is a bullshit excuse for not changing, but I legitimately did try to change and date without the real connection being felt and it all just crashed and burned.  So I have kind of just been in a "eh whatever" sort of mood towards the dating world.  Really the social world in general.  People are exhausting most of the time.       

It's stupid.  I hate it.

So I was basically out of commission today again due to fall which happened yesterday.  I really didn't think it was that big of a deal but I woke up with a pounding headache and my left pelvic region feels as though I have some serious internal bruise or some shit.  And I was drowsy all day despite drinking a decent amount of caffeinated beverages.  Parents have advised me that if my head keeps feeling like shit then I should see a doctor to get it examined, just in case a mild concussion or anything like that happened.  I'm hoping shit will just go away tomorrow, since I still have yet to finish coding Botswana (2011-2013 left to do) and I wanted to do that before today.  Woo, go me.

I also have been noticing my mood dipping for no apparent real reason and it is probably in large part due to me skipping on meds.  Need to get that shit regular again.  I've been lazy with it because I've been feeling less depressed than usual, but they really do seem to help a lot and I need to get this back on a regular schedule.

Also there is something I keep meaning to write about but I'm too tired right now so maybe tomorrow?  If I remember.

So I fell down the stairs kind of hardcore this morning and hit my head really hard.  I walked it off and everything, but since then I've have a headache that has just been getting worse and worse and when I took the pups for a walk before, my back was really bothering me and this is really annoying.  I had plans on doing work and everything but haven't been able to focus or anything like that.  Boo.

Also my crappy mood might also be due to the fact that I have not been taking my medicine regularly.  Which is bad on my part.

A conversation which commonly occurs between the roommates and I centers around how we perceive humanity.  Specifically, we usually talk about voters and their level of ignorance and stupidity.  Example, where my roommates take the more...optimistic approach towards voters, claiming that they are either: a) not as ignorant as it seems or b) rationally ignorant (as in they have zero need to learn about this stuff), I am much more of the opposite.  Mainly that people are stupid and that they request too much shit without understanding how things work; low taxes with a lot of services, etc., etc.  They have demands that are impossible and are easily manipulated.

Now, I kind of hate getting into this conversation, especially since it usually dives into our overall perceptions of humanity.  Not only because I am reminded of my own cynicism, but also because I sometimes feel as though they both lord this over me.  I am probably reading too much into it, but I just sometimes get this aura of superiority coming from them.  And that bugs the shit out of me.  Yes, I understand that you both have faith in people still.  I do not.  I have faith in people who have shown themselves to be good individuals, such as my family and some of my friends and stuff.  But fuck, I'm sorry that I have become jaded and everything and have not been able to bounce back.  That I see humanity as selfish and dishonest and all that.  I once had higher hopes but that ship has sailed.  Perhaps it will return one day, but probably not.

I even mentioned that I hated having this conversation to them, and that because of how I see people, I prefer the company of animals.  When pressed on this (and after a few jokes on their part because idk I guess I wasn't serious when I said that I didn't like having the conversation and that they would not want to hear my dark thoughts on humanity), I bluntly said that animals are honest.  They seemed kind of taken aback, first rhetorically asking if I really thought people were not honest, and then inquired on whether or not I was an honest person.  All I said was that I try to be.

After that, some awkward silence followed.

I really hate that conversation.

Today was a good day where I actually went out and had fun times with friends.

After meeting for coding and then for one of my papers (which I shall need to look at more soon because I am spending way too much time with the coding project and not nearly enough time with my own research, which is bad especially given the time and with comps coming up), roommates and I went to play mini golf at this place in town.  It was a hell of a time, and I won the game!  Woo!  I rarely win mini golf because putting is fucking evil most times.  I did yell shenanigans a few times when things did not go the way they should have.  Then after the game we ate some ice cream followed by some turns in the batting cages.  I have not stepped into one of those in a long time but I did not do half bad!  Not outstanding, but not as bad as I remember the last time I went into one (which may actually may have been a lot due to my deteriorating depth perception and the fact that I was not wearing glasses like I was today).  I might try and go there more often, just to get back into batting and stuff.  Might need to bring up my bat from my softball days.

And then we nommed at the Roadhouse because steak is fucking fantastic.


Talked a bit about dissertation stuff and it was brought up that even if I found enough information to do an entire thing on intelligence and covert affairs (which is actually not very likely), it might make me less marketable if and when I go on the job market.  Instead, it is more likely to be beneficial to me as a piece of a bigger project about foreign affairs and the tug-of-war between the two elected branches and that kind of stuff.

I really do want to work on that, but I compartmentalize everything and it is sometimes difficult for me to do different projects without actually finishing one before starting the other.  Even final papers I mostly do one at a time, with the exception of editing them.  So having the coding project unfinished before starting work on my own stuff is somewhat uncomfortable.  However, I know I'm going to need to overcome that discomfort if I want to pass comps and start trying to get things out under review and all.


Started thinking about ex and stupid shit while on walk with pups before, but I pushed it to the side for the time being, which might not have been a great idea.  Let us see if any dreams occur tonight now.  Hopefully not.

Admittedly, I have been slacking on my talking about any dreams, which has become somewhat problematic given that they have been keeping me from getting restful sleep lately and they are 9 times out of 10 related to the ex.  Example: last night, my dreams involved ex putting a fuck ton of pictures of me all over his facebook page for reasons unknown to me and I thought it was really weird and I could not really comprehend why that had happened.  My friends and family actually swarmed these pictures and commented about how he had a lot of fucking nerve and that they hated him and he was a terrible terrible person and etc., etc.  Likewise, sometime last week I had a dream that I ended up in California and somehow I (/my job, I guess) became a client of his company, with the two of us having to work directly together and it was just the worst.  Though, as his client, I was constantly telling him to redo things just out of spite.  And yet another dream had him trying to talk to me about politics and tell me I was wrong about some things and I just exploded on him, telling him how damn arrogant he was to think that he could know more about that subject than I did, considering that I studied it for a living and he took one poli sci class in undergrad.  That it was bullshit, because I did not go up to him and arrogantly pretend to be an expert in computer science and tell him he was wrong, and so he had some damn nerve coming up to me and spewing some bullshit he found from some pseudo-intellectual types on the internet.

And those are but three.  There are unfortunately many others that have happened and it has been incredibly bothersome, to say the least. 

At my session, Nancy recommended I start really writing about them again, as it gives my brain a chance to think about them and what they perhaps represent or are symbolic of.  Anger, hurt, sadness...you know, all that fun stuff.  So I think I'll start really doing that again.  Or at least I'll try.  Often when I have dreams nowadays I kind of hope that my ignoring them will make them just go away (but then I usually just end up having even more so I guess the point she is saying is that maybe the frequency will decline if I allow myself to think about them during the day).  

Also at session I talked about my ever-increasing loner tendencies; that I truthfully prefer the company of animals than I do people.  That I find people to be distrustful and difficult to read, with a slew of probable selfish motives behind every action and all words.  Meanwhile, I see animals as truthful.  It is not surprising to me that the first birthday I have really enjoyed in quite some time was spent almost entirely with Callie.  

That I find more comfort with four-legged and furry creatures than I do with humanity is also apparently unsurprising.  The betrayal I suffered by someone whom I trusted 100% damaged me in ways I never thought possible, and the effects of that are still very much alive and well.  Most of the time, I hate that I am still so affected, I really do.  I try to repeat over and over that there is no timeline, but I only partially think that is true.  How can there be no timeline?  Where does this shit come to its final end?  I keep hoping for that feeling of closure or at least of finality but it has yet to come and that is aggravating.  

Though that might also be due to my lingering inability to forgive.  Not necessarily him (though I definitely have an inability to do that, especially considering he seems to have learned nothing and has yet another girlfriend despite his constantly telling me and everyone else that he just can't do relationships [really it is that he just can't commit and is addicted to the beginnings of relationships or some shit I don't even fucking know]), but rather myself.  I still look back on everything and get mad at myself for not realizing some things.  For allowing myself to think this person was anything other than the selfish snake he turned out to be, and for being fooled so damn easily.  (I cannot see him as anything other than that; whenever I gave him the benefit of the doubt and said maybe he was not terrible, I was let down and I ended up just hating myself more.)  For loving him as unconditionally as I did, because that love made me a damn useless idiot.  

Forgiveness for myself is still something that I have not been able to fully realize, and that shit sucks. 

Birthday

So although I did not do anything I originally thought about - concert or Adirondack extreme course - I did actually have a good birthday, between yesterday and today.  I spent time with family and my pup and that is always a good time!

After waking up and nomming the doughnuts that my sister got for me (as she was bringing something to my cousin's), I watched The Lego Movie and waited for her to return.  When we did, we then ran over to my aunt's house so I could say hi to her, since it has been a long time since I've seen her.  Unfortunately I wasn't able to talk with her too much about things I wanted, as my sister had a long story to tell her and some of my stuff I wanted to just be a one-on-one thing, if that makes sense.  But it was still awesome seeing her even if it was not for as long as I would have wanted.

Parents got down and took me to dinner, which was super delicious, although we were unfortunately seated next to the most awful fucking people who just kept bitching about nothing and I wanted them to just shut up.  Instead, I took the passive-aggressive approach and just started saying things like "you know who the worst people are?  People who are mean to their waiters," and such.  I don't know if they heard me or not but they acted like they didn't.  Really, I hate people like that, I really really do.

Then, after dinner, I went to a local park with Callie and met up with my cousin, and we were able to do the photoshoot and that was so much fun.  We were just goofing around and she was so good and I can't wait to see how those all come out.  (Cousin had a good time too, and she said Callie was being so cute that this shoot might be able to bring in a whole new niche of customers and all and I hope that I could at least do that for her since she did the shoot for free for me!)  After the shoot, then went to her house so I could say hi to her daughter and husband, and stayed there for a bit before heading back to sister's place.

When more of the pictures go up on cousin's facebook page, I'll put some up here!


There is something I want to talk about since it is weird for me to think so much about it, but I don't want to do that right now since I'm feeling good at the moment and I don't want to ruin that.

Well, it be my birthday!

So far I am pleased with what has gone on this weekend for me in terms of fun and happy stuff so I'm hoping that will continue through the day today.  I have my photoshoot with Callie later, and am watching The Lego Movie right now with oldest sister.  And parents are coming down also for noms; might want to invite my aunt also!  She's been unfortunately on bedrest so I would love for her to be able to come out with us if she could.

Woo, let us hope today is just as fun as yesterday!

At first, when I finally started making plans for this weekend, I was getting rather excited at the prospect of doing the ropes course in the Adirondacks with at least one of my sisters.  When I brought it up yesterday while texting my eldest, she said she was already with my older helping to paint the house.  She unfortunately had to leave before I came up, but I have plans with her on Sunday at least.  What bothered me a little was that my desire to go do something fun for my birthday was overshadowed by house painting.  That no one would go with me because they were painting, and I was kind of asked to help.  Past me probably would have said yes begrudgingly, but I decided to tell the truth, saying that it was not something I really wanted to spend my birthday weekend doing.

I'm trying to decide if that is selfishness or just me taking care of myself for once.  It is hard to distinguish between those two.

Despite that though, I went to see older sister's house, bringing Callie with (who was very very very happy to see people and a new place).  I plan on doing the photoshoot with her on Sunday with my cousin as the photographer and I must say I'm kind of excited about it.

Anyway, before, I claimed I would do the course by myself but that really isn't much fun, and I wouldn't even be able to bring Callie along.  So maybe instead I will try and do some things with her and run around a bit for myself.  Maybe I'll head to some thrift places to shop for stuff for Kurisu!  That might be a good idea!  And I should get ice cream with the pup.  She would love that too, methinks.

I just want my birthday weekend to not suck for once.  Really.  I just want to actually feel happy when it comes.

I watched an HBO documentary about America's relationship with dogs titled "One Nation Under Dog," and while it was sad for me to watch through the first two parts, the third had me fucking crying my eyes out and clinging to Callie while doing so.  Why?  Oh, because the first three minutes of that part involved footage of a shelter, where they took dogs who looked young and healthy, crammed them into a dumpster-looking container, and then gassed them to death.  Then, they took puppies, put them on top of the dead bodies, and gassed them as well.  Even though I knew what was going to happen to all of those pups, I was sobbing and turning away and begging to no one in particular, "please don't, please don't do that do those puppers, please don't, don't..."  And I just sobbed. 

It is weird.  Or rather, perhaps it shows how my love for dogs overrides my love for humanity: I was discussing the other day how few movies make me cry, and very few can make me bawl my damn eyes out.  Roommates and I even watched "The Normal Heart," and while I was sad, I did not come close to crying.  This, however, broke my heart and had me wishing that I could save every single one of those pups.  All those innocent beautiful dogs who left this world in a damn box, literally thrown away like they were garbage. 

Which is why when people tell me they bought a dog or went to a breeder, I get very angry.  

Save a life.  Please. 

Wolfie

This is the story of Wolfie.  Alternatively: how Allie tried multiple times to get rid of probably the most valued thing from the ex but never actually could. 

Truthfully I cannot remember when exactly Wolfie came into my possession.  If I recall correctly, it was sometime while I was in London, but the exact time of which eludes me.  I want to say that I received him in the beginning, when my laptop was sent over (after being fixed since it broke on me days before I left), but part of me also wants to say that he was an Easter gift, received when the ex visited me that March.  Precisely when he was given to me does not really matter, however.  Wolves and dogs are my favourite animals, and because I am secretly a child still, I enjoy cute things.  Of course, this includes stuffed animals of most kinds. 

Every night I cuddled with Wolfie in place of my ex when he was not around.  When I was sad, I clung to him and stared into nothing or cried or something like that.  He was my favourite thing when I was over in the U.K., because he was a gift from ex, who was not with me in person.  It didn't take long for Wolfie to become incredibly special to me, even when I came home.  

I took him everywhere, basically.  Whenever I went on a trip, Wolfie came with me.  It was obvious to everyone that he was more than just a stuffed toy for me.  It was juvenile, probably, but he was important.  When I was lonely I would talk to him sometimes and feel better, or just cuddle with him and watch something to escape from any sadness I was enduring that day.  

When the ex broke up with me, I kept clinging to Wolfie.  He helped me once in overcoming loneliness, and perhaps he could help me again.  However, that probably made things worse, as he was a symbol of the ex and the fact that he would be there for me even when we were not physically together.  Part of me wanted to resent my little stuffed wolf, as I wanted to resent the ex.  But at that time, I could not.  Over and over I tried to deny that I still loved this man, who broke up with me in a particularly cruel manner and then betrayed everything he ever told me and what he said as the reason for breaking up with me within a month.  

During the back-and-forth that followed for a long time, I packed up most of the things that the ex had ever given to me during our relationship.  Anything I kept was because I had no emotional attachment to it and (admittedly), my desire to keep it overrode my desire to never see it again.  The book of reasons why he loved me (which I received with my laptop while I was in London), the cd he gave me (that I foolishly kept listening to after he broke up with me, including the secret track of his voice at the end), all the cards and notes he wrote for me, any physical pictures of us together...all that and more eventually went into a bag I stuffed in my closet.  However, I could not bring myself to put Wolfie in there as well. 

At one point, I was supposed to visit him during the summer.  This visit was not the surprise one I often refer to, but instead, it was planned.  However, a fight between us broke out, and I realized that visiting him was probably the worst idea in the world, especially given that I also wanted to stay over the weekend.  Rather than visit him, I decided to visit college roommate, and we had a fantastic time.  At one point, though, she took me to campus, and I went up to his room.  After he answered my knocking, I gave him that bag of stuff, telling him that I was tired of looking at it.  I then said bye and walked away, feeling kind of awesome, almost as if I was on a high.  I was barely out of the building when he texted me, telling me that I was being "intentionally mean," which he did not understand because he never was that to me.  One of my regrets is not going back into that building and returning to his room to scream at him and/or punch him in the throat repeatedly.   But I knew it would get particularly ugly if I did that, and college roommate and I had plans that required me to pay attention to the time.  Perhaps if I was alone, I would have.  But college roommate was very good at making sure I didn't do bad things when I wanted to. 

Anyway, despite giving back most things which he gave me, Wolfie remained with me.  I had even brought him on that trip, wondering if I would be able to put him in the bag and shove it into my ex's arms, partially hoping that I would.  But I couldn't.  It felt weird, as though I was abandoning something that I did not want to lose.  So I kept him.  And for a long time, I continued to cuddle with him. 

At one point, while I was still very upset about our breakup and about his quick ability to move on from me, I finally decided to semi-part with Wolfie.  I say partly because I still could not bring myself to actually get rid of him.  I constantly thought about donating him to a children's charity or something, but I still felt that weird sense of 'I'm abandoning someone,' whenever I walked on the edge of actually getting rid of him. So I never did.  He became a decoration; a permanent part of my bookshelf along with other trinkets and pictures.  I stopped taking him on every trip, and slowly, he just became a regular part of the room. 

However, I start thinking about everything whenever I pick him up (which is why I rarely move him).  I start reflecting and thinking and remembering things and how I felt, and what Wolfie once symbolized to me.  This whole thing came up because I was cleaning my room quite extensively yesterday, and in moving things around, I had to put him on my bed, which was where he once was all the time. 

It is more than a little weird, probably, that I put so much stock and thought into the fate of one of my stuffed animals. 

I don't think I'll be able to get rid of him ever, though.  Sadly. 

In unrrelated news of the day: Murray is being a little shit today and is getting on my nerves.  Blargh.

Callie and I resumed agility classes today and I could tell that she was very happy to be there.  I know I have some of my own homemade equipment that we train with at home, but it isn't exactly the same.  And the only thing I really have are jumps and weave poles.  Sometimes I use something for a makeshift table.  But I have no tunnels, chutes, A-frames, etc.  Basically my own equipment is minimal at best.  Plus she does not get the same focus-training, as other dogs are not around and all.

Unfortunately her tags fell off and I couldn't find them anywhere, so I'm going to have to get new ones.  Her town license needs to be renewed anyway, but her rabies tag was recent, so I'll need to ask the vet for a new one.


I'm going to hope for dreamless sleep tonight.  Ex has been prevalent at night again lately and I would like that shit to stop.

I like the way my hair looks this morning. Can it be like this more often?

Also had dream about ex. Goody. Might write details later.