Roommates and I decided to - for some ungodly reason - watch the brony documentary on netflix and let's just say it was kind of terrible.  Basically just self-glorifying and a lot of "no homo"-ness, erasure of girls and women in the fandom (the former being the actual target audience) and a complete lack of coverage about any negative aspects, like, oh I don't know, the gross sexualization of a cartoon show about ponies.

It was kind of a train wreck.

Roommates knew nothing about bronies or 4chan or pretty much a ton of internet stuff so after I tell them things they become almost fascinated.  I'm not sure how bronies were first brought up in a past conversation, but they thought I was lying when I said that a large piece of that subculture is super gross with the sexualizing thing.  (And they had zero idea what I was talking about when I first mentioned 4chan, and then I just laughed and told them to go look at it.  They did.  Their reactions were fantastic.)


Anyway...session today was good, and I was able to mention the dreams I had and how vivid they were this weekend and how that fucked me up really bad.  Specifically, I focused my attention on the one where his friends broke my fingers and basically ganged up on me so he wouldn't have to play me the following day in a match.  I talked about how that seemed so real to me that when I woke up I kept having to move my fingers around to make sure they were okay, and I wasn't able to do anything after that, pretty much opting to shower and stuff.

We went through the dream, trying to figure out meanings and stuff.  First, the fear aspect: despite that the frat brothers of his I have spoken with have all basically said that he is an asshole and I did not deserve what he did to me and that they all knew how volatile and stupid he was being and the mistake he was making (etc., etc.), I carried this fear that people would think me insane and everything that went down was not as terrible as it really and honestly was for me.  Maybe the dream focused on his fighting game friends for a reason.  While I was not fond of his frat as a whole, there were some individual members I really liked and respected (his best friend from college and I, for example, are still on great terms and always get super excited whenever we see each other); I was able to talk to them in a way I couldn't his fighting game friends, who - aside from one at the tournament I went to really - never really paid me any attention.  He was the important one, and I was more the...accessory, so to say.  So perhaps that is why they were the manifestation of the "no one will listen to me" thing.

The breaking fingers thing was a bit trickier to pinpoint, but I started thinking about maybe it was a reflection of my inferiority complex when I was with him.  He did pretty much everything better than I did.  He was more athletic, he was better at video games, he was more social, he was smarter, he had great talents, he was fucking fantastic at coding, etc., etc.  And in comparing myself to him, my already low self-esteem just plummeted.  Whenever I thought that I was maybe getting good at something, he would turn around and do it better on the first try.  So, perhaps the breaking of my fingers was a reminder of that sense of inferiority.  That even though I was an underdog, the fact that I was even decent enough to go against him at something was unacceptable, and I had to be pushed back down to be reminded of the fact that I was not at his level.

Then of course, there was the question of whether or not he actually had - in dreamverse - sent those people to do that to me.  And that played on my sense of betrayal.  I did not know if he did or did not, but the mere thought was enough to have me feel hurt.  I remember being more sad than angry, and being in disbelief but also unsurprised, if that makes any sense whatsoever.

Super-vivid dreams are always annoying and disconcerting, but this one was especially bad given its content, and so it remained a conversation topic for some time.


Also talked about anxieties in terms of house stuff and school and how I'm getting more and more uncomfortable the closer the school year gets and I am so fucking worried of having a semester similar to the one that just passed.

Bah.

But then after session and agility, I played Zelda for some time and neglected responsibilities.  ...Which I'm realizing I should not have done because the meeting I thought I had on Thursday was actually scheduled for tomorrow.  ...I already emailed asking to push that back.

South Africa is also almost done being coded.  Wooooo.  So.  Close.