Admittedly, I have been slacking on my talking about any dreams, which has become somewhat problematic given that they have been keeping me from getting restful sleep lately and they are 9 times out of 10 related to the ex.  Example: last night, my dreams involved ex putting a fuck ton of pictures of me all over his facebook page for reasons unknown to me and I thought it was really weird and I could not really comprehend why that had happened.  My friends and family actually swarmed these pictures and commented about how he had a lot of fucking nerve and that they hated him and he was a terrible terrible person and etc., etc.  Likewise, sometime last week I had a dream that I ended up in California and somehow I (/my job, I guess) became a client of his company, with the two of us having to work directly together and it was just the worst.  Though, as his client, I was constantly telling him to redo things just out of spite.  And yet another dream had him trying to talk to me about politics and tell me I was wrong about some things and I just exploded on him, telling him how damn arrogant he was to think that he could know more about that subject than I did, considering that I studied it for a living and he took one poli sci class in undergrad.  That it was bullshit, because I did not go up to him and arrogantly pretend to be an expert in computer science and tell him he was wrong, and so he had some damn nerve coming up to me and spewing some bullshit he found from some pseudo-intellectual types on the internet.

And those are but three.  There are unfortunately many others that have happened and it has been incredibly bothersome, to say the least. 

At my session, Nancy recommended I start really writing about them again, as it gives my brain a chance to think about them and what they perhaps represent or are symbolic of.  Anger, hurt, sadness...you know, all that fun stuff.  So I think I'll start really doing that again.  Or at least I'll try.  Often when I have dreams nowadays I kind of hope that my ignoring them will make them just go away (but then I usually just end up having even more so I guess the point she is saying is that maybe the frequency will decline if I allow myself to think about them during the day).  

Also at session I talked about my ever-increasing loner tendencies; that I truthfully prefer the company of animals than I do people.  That I find people to be distrustful and difficult to read, with a slew of probable selfish motives behind every action and all words.  Meanwhile, I see animals as truthful.  It is not surprising to me that the first birthday I have really enjoyed in quite some time was spent almost entirely with Callie.  

That I find more comfort with four-legged and furry creatures than I do with humanity is also apparently unsurprising.  The betrayal I suffered by someone whom I trusted 100% damaged me in ways I never thought possible, and the effects of that are still very much alive and well.  Most of the time, I hate that I am still so affected, I really do.  I try to repeat over and over that there is no timeline, but I only partially think that is true.  How can there be no timeline?  Where does this shit come to its final end?  I keep hoping for that feeling of closure or at least of finality but it has yet to come and that is aggravating.  

Though that might also be due to my lingering inability to forgive.  Not necessarily him (though I definitely have an inability to do that, especially considering he seems to have learned nothing and has yet another girlfriend despite his constantly telling me and everyone else that he just can't do relationships [really it is that he just can't commit and is addicted to the beginnings of relationships or some shit I don't even fucking know]), but rather myself.  I still look back on everything and get mad at myself for not realizing some things.  For allowing myself to think this person was anything other than the selfish snake he turned out to be, and for being fooled so damn easily.  (I cannot see him as anything other than that; whenever I gave him the benefit of the doubt and said maybe he was not terrible, I was let down and I ended up just hating myself more.)  For loving him as unconditionally as I did, because that love made me a damn useless idiot.  

Forgiveness for myself is still something that I have not been able to fully realize, and that shit sucks.