Swimming!

Went to a new doggie park today (after my neighbour told me about it) and it was a lot of fun and might be my favourite out of all the ones we have been to so far, because everyone was just really friendly and there were a lot of different dogs there and Callie and I both just had a super good time.  Which I definitely needed, because I was feeling just upset and underappreciated this morning.  Started crying on the way over for really no particular reason.

That reminds me that I really should get back into the habit of taking my medication daily.  Since I was moving and traveling a lot and doing a bunch of other stuff, I really have gotten bad with taking it and all.

But anyway, there was a big fenced in area she was able to run around in, and then there is a stream which runs alongside it, with a pond at the end of it.  She loved that.  She ran around and then pulled me into the water (so I succumbed to my feet being wet and went further in with her) and was playing around.  She actually just laid down in the water which was kind of hysterical.

Then up and down the stream we went.

I let her back in the fenced area, because usually she gets more energy when she is cooled off and she was running around for a while.  Then I was going to go, but these two Beagles showed up and she kind of insisted we stay, and since I wasn't doing anything, I decided to.  She loved these guys, especially the girl who she had running with her.  And then we were going to leave again, but a Golden Retriever showed up.  And since he also loved the water, we went back to the stream for a bit and they were playing in the water, and because he was good off leash, I took her off too and she did well!  We also went down to the pond area and they swam together.  The Beagles came too, but they didn't go out and swim as far as these two did.

She was so happy.  And I was in a much better mood after leaving!

But only for a little bit though, because I met Brendan and another friend from the cohort at a bar (partially outside, so I got to bring Callie, and people were very excited to see her.  And she was happy to meet everyone else.  However, I was hit with this weird sick feeling.  Like legitimate sick not feels-related sick aha.  And I just started feeling like I was going to faint and I started shaking kind of uncontrollably (even when driving, my leg wouldn't stop) so I went back to the house.  Immediately I plopped down and napped. I'n thinking now it might have also had something to do with the fact that I did not eat since that morning.  Or not enough water.  You know.  All the usual possibilities.

Ate after napping and took some meds so I feel substantially better.

Last season of Dexter premiered and my god it was so good and aaaah I can't wait to go through these final episodes.

Tomorrow I start volunteering at the dog shelter!  And tomorrow should start training classes, weather and everything permitting!

I don't know why I clean up other people's shit.

Because no one ever fucking thanks me.

Even though I went to bed before that mess was made.

And I cleaned it up because it grossed me out when I woke up.

But nope.

No recognition or thanks, which honestly is the only thing I would really like.

Just some appreciation.

Probably going to be anti-social today.


ALSO I WROTE THIS AT LIKE 11 IN THE MORNING BLOGGER WHAT ARE YOU DOING MAKING IT A DRAFT.

Still gonna post it.  Because lawlz I still haven't received any sort of thank you for what I did.  Seriously that is all I would like.  I don't need anything else.  I just want that.

Everyone has guests over except for me and I'm kind of annoyed at the fact that rules seem to suspend for them all and stuff when people are over, and then when I point things out I fucking seem as though I'm crazy or obsessive or something.  But like.  There are a thousand lights on when they do not need to be.  And I've established I don't know how many times that that is my biggest pet peeve and so I would like them to be off if they do not to be on, because otherwise it just cranks up the energy bill. 

And me having to repeat myself over and over and over again is getting annoying and frustrating and I might eventually be all "if you guys don't stop, because I'm not going to remind you every fucking time, and it turns into an obvious case of you both using way more energy than me, I want to be a fourth instead of a third of the energy bill."  Because seriously.  This shit went down with my last roommate, and it seems like it might go down again.  And I know it probably is weird to some people, that I have that, but along with cleaning that is a huge thing for me.  I think it was because it was always big with my mother and stuff too.   The cleaning also: she's kind of a neat freak, so I'm realizing that I am one as well. 

I know that Nancy tells me a lot that I'm learning how to live with people and that is very important, but I really do sit here thinking that I would rather live by myself for reasons like this and more.  I do think I'd just be better by myself.  

Though we did watch The Room and that always makes me happy.  

Even though Carl's lame-ass friend didn't like it and left before the big finale.  That's how I know he is not to be liked.  Because seriously who the hell doesn't love that movie because of how horrendous it is. 

(In reality, I just don't like him for other reasons, but it is fun to think of others like this aha.  But seriously he is fucking irritating to me and I want him gone.  I didn't realize he'd be here so fucking long.) 

I like chatting with guy.  And I know I say that a lot, but I really do enjoy it.

I hope he likes chatting with me too. 

People have been kind of weird today and I'm not really sure why.  Especially since I'm actually not feeling so weird.

Finally moved all out of my old apartment and I feel like I should do a happy dance of joy.  I could tell my landlord was trying to get something on me, but I leave my shit awesome and everything.  He did say something about the tub being dirty, to which I shot back that I haven't been living there for a month (and then he responded that 'it didn't get like that in a month,' and I rolled my eyes kind of because fuck you I did clean things when I took the bathroom stuff of mine out).  I did get my security deposit back too, which is good.

So woo, all out of there!

However, right now there are many guests at the house, including one of Carl's friends from Texas.  He is quite...obnoxious.  Kind of overstaying his welcome a little bit, in my opinion.  And he just complains about everything, I feel.  He is slightly achy and that's all we hear.  He kept saying how the diner I took him to gave him food poisoning, and yet he definitely did not have food poisoning since he wasn't throwing up or anything and it started getting annoying.  And he has absolutely no filter and it just bothers me.

He's just kind of annoying at this rate, and he's been here a lot longer than I thought he was going to be.

I should make dinner, but all I want right now are chips and dip aha.

So I'm probably being super paranoid but I feel like Callie doesn't wanna hang out with me as much as usual and she isn't listening to me as much as usual and I think she'd rather hang out with the roommate who was watching her for the past two days and this makes me really really uneasy.  And sad.  I'm sure I'm overthinking things or analyzing things wrong, but it feels weird and I want her to keep on loving me the best and when that's threatened (in my perception, even if it isn't in reality), it freaks me out.

BUT AGAIN I'm most likely just being really paranoid about stuff.

Gotta head to my old apartment in a bit to clean shit and get my security deposit back and just finally get the fuck out of there for good ah I can't wait.

Also, I bought a custom temporary tattoo from this one website of the air balloon from the cover of Anarchy and the Ecstasy.  Basically, it is to see if I would like having that somewhere on my body without me actually getting the real thing to start with.  I want to see how it would look!  People hold me at the concert that I have a good body for tattoos, and they're surprised I don't have some already.  I said I have wanted for a while but just haven't been able to figure out what exactly I want!

But this is my favourite idea so far, and I fucking love that design, so we shall see how it looks when it gets here and I get to try it out and everything.

Back in Binghamton and with my girlie.  She apparently ripped up the new bed I got her when Brendan went to pick up his girlfriend at the bus station, but that is why I got one for only $10!  I think from now on I'll need to take out her bed and whatever else she isn't supposed to chew up out of her crate whenever she is left by herself. 

I really wonder if I should blacklist Transatlanticism.  I was listening to Death Cab while driving, and was completely fine.  Then that song came on and once the lyrics started I started crying.  It was so fucking sudden and weird and I didn't know how to handle it.  But I love that song too much to blacklist it.   

This entry was going to be longer but I'm kind of tired and sick and everything and maybe because of driving or because of tiredness I'm just really drawing blanks on what I want to say.  Derp.  Instead, have a picture of Jack and Rebecca from last night.

So World/Inferno was fantastic, as they always are.  The crowd was a little smaller than the last two times, but I blame that on them playing on a Thursday rather than a Friday or a Saturday (Jack even lamented that fact, and said he wished it was Friday/Saturday instead).  But it was still all sorts of wonderful and I love seeing them and ahhh.

I got beer spilled on me at one point, and someone had brought glitter confetti in, and threw that up during one of the last songs and it got all over me and stuck to me and I'm pretty sure I swallowed a few pieces but that is more than okay.  Again, I was up in the front row, held Jack's hand at some point, and just had a really really good time.

One thing that was weird is that there was some...competition, I suppose, in the chanting for the encore.  Normally, whenever I have gone, the chant is "tonight we're gonna fuck shit up," but one dude kept insisting it was "you know" and I know that both are acceptable (I've always done the former) and both have been done before.  My thing was that because of his stupid insistence, the crowd was split between two different chants and it didn't seem very loud and I was afraid they wouldn't come back for the encore.

But they did, so all was well.

I realized when I went outside that I had left my lights on, though, but some really nice people jumped my car for me.

I also bought the Addicted to Bad Ideas LP and a sticker.  Plus, I'm thinking about getting a tattoo of the air balloon on the cover of Anarchy and the Ecstasy because this band is really kind of important to me and has been a big help in relieving some of my depression symptoms, and "The Apple was Eve" is the first song I ever really heard from them, so that album, despite it not being my favourite in terms of the songs on it, is very very dear to me.  Plus I just love that design.  And I've been thinking about a tattoo for a long time now, and just haven't been able to settle on what.  But this is my favourite idea I've had so far.

And then I took friends to a diner by me, but now I feel bad because two of the three of them (who had the same thing) aren't feeling well now.  They're trying to nap at the moment.

Also, have a picture from the aftermath of last night (I don't think you can really see the glitter on me, but my god it was all over):

Sitting at the bar by myself right now because people are late and I feel bad for this one guy I keep kind of staring at and creeping on.

Because he looks exactly like the ex. It is kind of uncanny. And of course I know it is not him, but it is kind of freaking me out a little bit, and my tummy hurts because of it.

Or the tummy hurts because of the amaretto sour I just had.

Might be a mixture of both.

Waiting for people to arrive and bands to play.

Still excite, regardless.

The conference in the city went really well this morning.  I took a lot of notes, which people seemed appreciative of, because I am going to send them everything.  No one else took as detailed stuff as I did.  Plus, I recorded the session, though it might not have been very effective due to the software I used, and I don't know if I'd be able to send it anyway, due to the size.

But it was good, and I'm getting reimbursed for all my travel expenses, which is all sorts of awesome.

Gonna be leaving for World/Inferno in a few minutes.  Although I am definitely getting sick (/am already sick), I'm still really excited.  I need a concert like this to help cheer me up with how I have been the last few days and everything.  Though Carl is getting to the hall later than I think I'm going to, so I'll have to wait for him and his friend and boyfriend.  I have his ticket there, so I might go in first and then go back to the booth when he gets there, if I can do that.  Hopefully I can.

Was going to write more, but gotta get going soon.  Woo!

I'm really high-strung and stressed out right now and I just don't feel good and I want to run away from all responsibility and people forever and not have to deal with fucking anything.  I kind of feel like crying but fuck I am too tired to even do that, it seems.

This whole security deposit fiasco has just taken a huge toll on me and I was thinking about other things in the car related to relationships past and new and some other stuff and I just wish I didn't have to deal with emotions and anxiety and depression because it all would make my life so much fucking easier and it would be so much better to deal with everything and I don't want to.

I'm tired of people older than me thinking they can step all over me and thinking that I don't know what I'm talking about simply because I am relatively young and am still in school (oftentimes people ignore the fact that it is for a PhD).

I'm tired of being sad about the ex and constantly thinking about the fact that I would probably be happier in life (though not really happy) if I had never met him.

I'm tired of wanting to never get out of bed and dealing with people.

I'm tired of having fantasies of something I'll probably never have the guts to do in reality.


Here, have some pictures of my puppers.  Because she is sometimes the only fucking thing which makes me happy.

Landlord problems

So my old landlord is pulling some shady-ass bullshit on me.

I called before to ask when I can get my security deposit back, and was informed that he "doesn't do it like that" and that I am supposed to get my half of the security deposit back from my roommate or from the new tenant who is moving in.  Now, according to the Attorney General's Tenant's Rights guide, "[t]he landlord must return the security deposit, less any lawful deduction, to the tenant at the end of the lease or within
a reasonable time thereafter."  To me, that says that if one tenant moves out, he/she is entitled to the security deposit.

I should not have to go to my roommate, whom I hate, or the person moving in, whom I don't know, for my half of the security deposit back.  Which we paid separately.  He and I didn't combine it; we each paid our half, so now I want my half back from the landlord, which he has so far refused.

He is supposed to call me back, but if he does not by three, I'm going to call him again and quote this section of the law, and explain that this lease I have nothing to do with, and therefore it is not and should not be my responsibility to get my money from a new person.  I think he just does not want to go through the trouble of having to contact my roommate and shit to get the second half of the security deposit back.

But if I have to, I will threaten to go to the AG office and get attorneys involved.  I have someone I've known for years who is an attorney, and Brendan's sister is too, and so I have plenty of people I can go to, just in case he calls me on my threat.

This is ridiculous though.  I shouldn't have to do this.

So I had a conversation with guy last night about stuff.

Basically, the other day we were talking, and he said something about how he was avoiding serious relationships.  Now, although I know that I don't want anything serious from him this second, due to still not being completely over the ex and more importantly due to the fact that our main interactions have been via text so far...I became worried.  I want at least there to be some sort of potential.  Not that anything is a definite or anything, but that there is a chance something might occur, and we have the idea that it can.

But after he had said that, I started thinking that I was nothing really more than a fling, and that on his end, there was no chance for anything more.

And I've been nothing but a fling ever since my breakup.  Almost like a sexual conquest, I feel.  Like no one sees me as actual relationship material; they don't want to really be around me.  Even musician guy fell off the face of the earth after he told me he wanted to stop hooking up and remain purely platonic friends.  And I was okay with that, but then he never texted me after I would ask if he wanted to hang out and stuff.

Then of course, I compare.  To the ex.  How is it that people he has been with have actually wanted to be with him, even though he doesn't deserve anything like that, but I am in a completely different boat.  I actually guessed it was because people perhaps pick up on my emotional baggage and wisely run away from me before they get too close.  (Someone else told me it might also be that he is just a better liar than I am, which I did agree he was.  He's too good of a liar, really.)

Anyway, I expressed some concern, and guy iterated that I am more than just a fling and that I am important and I matter a lot.  He did say he doesn't know if things will definitely happen, which I am fine with.  Not knowing exactly what is fine.  I was just afraid of a road being closed to him that isn't necessarily closed for me.

I'm still somewhat bummed, but I am pleased with the conversation.  The mood might just be a combination of the heat and some leftovers from other things, I guess.  I kind of just want to sleep all day.


When I went to session I was also talking with Nancy about ways I can make my birthday special while also being down for the graduation party.  Maybe if some of my friends come down with me (if they want to) and then we go out to dinner or something at some point, I can break away and just have some me time to celebrate my day and everything.  That'd be nice.


Going back down to the Island today because I'm heading to the World/Inferno concert tomorrow in Amityville.  Excited about that.

Slide

After my session I went to the park with Callie and Brendan and Carl's friend and Callie was able to go swimming and run around a bit and we even went down a slide!

It was a lot of fun. 

Also had an important talk at session that I might go into detail about later but not right now because I don't want to at the moment. 

I think my mood swing weirded guy out.

I don't know what it was, but I became sad for some reason with our conversation.

Even though I should be fine and stuff.

And maybe tomorrow I will be.

Today's just been hot and I'm just super tired and stuff so maybe that is it.

I don't feel like going into detail but I also didn't mean to make this sound so vague and everything either.  I'm just really really tired, I guess.

Vet appointment in about an hour.  I feel bad because it is really hot and we don't have any air conditioning in the house yet, so Callie just isn't as energetic as usual.  At least right now, anyway.  I hope it cools down later for training.  The lady said that if it gets way too humid or hot or if there are thunderstorms (because I've heard there might be later on today), then class will get cancelled again.  I think the people and the puppers all appreciate that.  Wanting to be comfortable and whatnot.

Speaking of, I have a fan blowing in her direction so that she can try and remain at least somewhat cooler.  Guy told me that was really generous of me, aha.

I'm kind of not feeling very okay.  Like...I don't know why.  And I didn't at home either.

Thinking about stuff.  Don't want to think about stuff.

Concert on Thursday I still need to buy my ticket for.  Woo.

After getting into way too much traffic in the city, I made it back to Binghamton around 10:45.  Though immediately upon returning home, I saw that no one was in the house, but lights in the basement were on.  Now, we have all established that one of my biggest pet peeves is the lights being on when they do not need to be.  Turning things off when they're not being used and stuff keeps energy costs down.  So yeah.

Plus, things are kind of a mess in here right now and I really am very...not pleased.  And the lawn hasn't been mowed and I'm just annoyed.  What, do I need to be here to micromanage everyone into doing shit?

I don't know.

I really do think I should just live by myself.  Then if shit doesn't get done I know it is my fault and mine alone.


Guy and I are talking about doing a Pixar marathon with ice cream sundaes and it sounds delicious and fun.

Had a talk with my dad which made things a little better.  He told me that I do not have to come down for my birthday if I really would rather stay and do something with my friends and stuff, and that they know I cannot come down every weekend and everything.  Still though, as much as he says that, I still think that I would end up looking bad.  I don't know.  We will see.  I need to think about stuff.  He did say we will easily be able to celebrate both, but my thing is that a lot of my friends won't be around on the Island.

We'll see.

Talking with guy and he is revealing more about stuff and I really would like him to trust me.  And I know that...that is not realistic really, considering this point in time and his history, but I still would like it.  And I know that it might be the way I am about him - skeptical.  He might be skeptical of the things I say just as I am of him, and considering our pasts, that is completely normal.  But I...want to help, I guess.  If that is the right way to put it, which I don't think it is, especially since I doubt he would say he needs help, and I would agree.

But still.


I've been putting this black goo stuff on my foot today because I'm pretty sure there is something embedded in it (from when I went to the park with the pond) and this stuff is supposed to help draw it out.  Gonna keep it on overnight and then hope that it is relatively better tomorrow.

So today started out okay but then I found out things I'm not too happy with and maybe I'm being a little selfish but I really am kind of upset right now.

My little sister graduated today from high school, and I am very proud of her.  She is incredibly talented in the arts, and creates beautiful pieces and everything.  I am super happy for her and I know she'll keep making awesome stuff in the years to come, and just keep on improving.

However...I was none too pleased when I found out that my parents - without actually really asking me if it was okay - decided to schedule her graduation party on the same day as my birthday.  Yeah, after I had been talking about how my birthday has been less than exciting for the past few years and how - even though not really having any expectations - I wanted it to be a bit more special this year.  Whether it was doing something with my friends up in Binghamton or maybe asking guy if he wanted to come visit that day or trying to see if anyone was playing...I just wanted to do something special for me, because I've been really bummed about my past few birthdays.

And I know a graduation trumps a birthday.  And being on the Island when all my friends are in Binghamton...not exactly the best environment for me, I suppose.

I'm just sad because no one actually asked me if that was okay with me.  They just kind of asked if I had plans already and when I said not right now they just kind of made it that day and I didn't find out until I saw the invites.  So like...no one really thought of me and thought that maybe I would want to do something for me that day.

And I'm really actually very sad about that.  Like.  Really upset.  Like crying in my room upset.

And perhaps I should not be.  I'm probably being really selfish and everything and I don't feel good about being this upset, but I am and I can't help it.

Then, I realized more how protective I am of Callie when my oldest sister said with like...almost a snide tone that her dog's tricks were "so much better."  And I said - with a very annoyed tone in my voice - that she doesn't know anything yet.  She's still a puppy and fuck I have already taught her some stuff and she listens overall very well and everything.  But that offended me probably more than it should have.

And part of me feels as though I've been having to defend her a lot.  People keep talking as if she was the aggressor when she came here and Jack got all territorial and pretty much tried attacking her.  But that's not his fault.  No.  She jumped at him.  She was the one who instigated, even if she was just trying to play.  So let's ignore the fact that even while he growled and barked and tried biting her, she did not return that aggression.  Even though I wouldn't have blamed her if she did.  Nope, she was good and sat and kept wanting to play and did not bark back or anything.  The only time she has barked at him was when he stole her kong toy with treats stuffed in it.  She even shared her antler and everything.

And then people seemed to be equating her nervous actions when no one is around - like making a mess with her food - to that aggression that he had.  Or that it was worse.  So let us forget about the fact that she has separation anxiety and I am trying to help her with that and stuff but she still will act up when no one is home with her.  Let's equate that to him trying to attack her, basically.

Plus I don't know if people think it is all fine because he is tiny in comparison.

Because honestly, if she was concerned about being 'alpha' or anything, which she honestly never is (from what it seems, she doesn't really care about that ranking thing at all; she just wants to play with everyone), she easily could be.  So let's ignore that.  Yep.

I don't know.  It just bothers me.  Let's excuse his bad behaviour and then put it on her, even though she's been incredibly well behaved, minus the few accidents and nervous behaviour.

Ha.  I'm being really anti-social right now.  Hiding in my room and listening to Streetlight because I am that upset about all this.

And people are ignoring my strict rule about no table food for her and laughing about it.  The only person who was apologetic was Steph's friend, and I was okay with that because they were feeding Jack some stuff and I hadn't told her that I don't want Callie to have that and everything.  So she was apologetic and I was fine, since she didn't know.  But everyone else just keeps kind of laughing about it, and I am getting kind of angry.  People just won't listen to me and are acting like I'm too strict when this is what I want to do so she doesn't develop bad habits later on with begging at the table and everything.

I kind of want to drive back to Binghamton.

Concert numero dos

Also incredible.

I swear, the amount of energy and passion that the members of these bands have is incredible.

At first I was a little worried; I got there late, due to stupidly deciding to walk from Penn Station on 34th and 8th Ave down to 14th and 3rdish and having missed the earlier train.  So I wasn't in my usual front spot.  In the beginning, anyway.

There were four pre-bands, including Eisley, who were amazing (and I also love seeing chick-dominated punk bands, because unfortunately the genre lacks those extremely) before Say Anything went on.  I was nervous because it didn't seem like anyone was getting super into anything.  Like at all.  And I know it is the pre-bands, but still!  Usually there's at least some action going on.

I did meet a girl there who was also by herself; she and I chatted and formed a wall between us that no one could get by after Eisley, because I kind of hate that shit.  Don't be that guy; your spot is going to get moved anyway once the band gets on and starts playing.  So why do you need to annoy everyone by pushing through to the front beforehand?  What was annoying is that after doing that and kind of making some guy feel guilty because I told him he was being "that guy" aha, is that some other dude called her and I "17 year old girls," meanwhile I am almost sure we were older.  Plus then they kept saying about how they should just shove us out of the way.  And we are the 17 year olds.  Because we weren't getting pushed around.  Yep.

So I was a little miffed about the crowd, or at least that section of it.

But then Say Anything came on, and the moshing began.  I was kind of really close to the center of it, so I got pushed around quite a bit.  But I don't mind the pushing and the shoving when the concert actually starts! I know that shit happens, and I actually like it, aha.  It means people are getting into it and everything.  And what was cool is that because I didn't resist this moshing, it pushed me all the way to the front.  I've gotten well enough that I can hold a spot when I'm in a spot I really like, but if I want to be moved, I can be moved very easily, and I'll usually only go forward.

The band was incredible.  Unfortunately, they did not play Admit It!, but they did play Alive With the Glory of Love, Baseball, and a few others that I was really really pleased with.  I kept waiting for Admit It and it just never came.  Sadness.

Also after I couldn't find that girl but I met a guy while waiting for the subway who was also taking the LIRR, and we together ran from the subway station to the train in four minutes, just making it in time.  Like if we started running five seconds later, we probably wouldn't have made it and would've had to wait until the next train an hour later.  And then we chilled until he had to get off at Mineola.  And then I was talking to this couple coming from a different concert the entire time.  It was really awesome, actually.

Going to concerts by myself really isn't so bad if I keep meeting cool people like the ones I met tonight!  I wish I had gotten their facebooks or something, actually.  They were quite awesome.

Some pics will probably be up tomorrow or something.  After Joanna's graduation ceremony, of course!

Streetlight!

Just putting up these three pictures because I want to!  Unfortunately a lot of the pictures I have are really dark, so they go on facebook but not here and that is okay!

So.  Major crush on him.  He's so perfect.

I STILL CAN'T GET OVER THAT THIS BAND HAS A BARI SAX.  Because that is the greatest instrument ever and it is the best saxophone and ahhhh I love it.  I love those and he rocked it so well and ahhhhh. 

So my hair was all sorts of intense after the show.  And I was sweating and had everyone's sweat all over me and it was wonderful and I just love it. 

I think I'm going to try and go to their two shows in November in Jersey, especially since they're playing their whole set and it is the last two shows of the tour.  It shall be fantastic. 

Tonight is Say Anything and I am really excited for that as well.  I'm gonna try and catch the 4:11 train out of here to get to the city by 5:30 and get in line somewhat early, I hope.  Because I again want to be close to the front and everything!  I am excited it is in Irving Plaza too, because that venue was really good, and the city crowd (at least for World/Inferno) was a lot of fun also!  

I'm very protective of my pup aha.  My sister's dog is being all old and curmudgeonly and keeps barking and growling at her but she isn't doing anything to provoke him or anything and she isn't responding with the same aggression or anything.  So essentially she is being a damn angel because that's how she is!  She just wants to play with him and everything and he is being all lame.

I think he just has a Napoleon complex.  She is much larger than him.

But yeah I'm not too happy with him even though she's totally fine and everything.  It is just me being protective and stuff I guess ahaha.   

So far Jack (Dee's doggie) does not like Callie at all.  I think it is because she is so much bigger and younger than him, and it might also be a territorial thing.  Like, who is this new chick coming in and stealing his thunder?   That sort of thing.  And she just wanted to meet and play with him and he was having none of that, which is a little worrisome because they might need to be left alone on Saturday and everything for the ceremony.  I wonder if I can bring her, but I'm not sure.  If I can't, she is going to have to be crated.  Though I'm starting to worry a bit about all that now too, just because she's been barking more and she even was barking when I was in the bathroom just to brush my teeth.  And I know that isn't good, so I might need to ask the trainer for that skype session I originally passed up on because she was doing okay with being left alone and now she isn't as much.  But we will see.  She is going to need to learn for when I have to start classes again because I will be gone for three hours at least at a time for those, so I'll have to leave her alone for that.

Good thing though is that the rest of the fam seems to adore her!  My mom is a bit concerned with how big she is, aha, but I think that is just because my mom is more weary around bigger dogs than smaller ones like Jack.

I might take her to Ice Cream Cottage and see if they have a doggie sundae or anything before I go to the city for concert tomorrow.  I also think that instead of taking the subway back to Penn Station after the show ends, I will take a taxi back and just pay the extra money.  It would be safer since I will be by myself, and it will be faster, so I could maybe catch an earlier train back to Ronkonkoma.

Alright, tired now, even though I was asleep until 12:30 today, aha.  But since I do need to get up at 6 and all and take her, gonna try to sleep now.

Concert

So the Streetlight concert was absolutely incredible and I am so excited to see them again in July.  I was super gross afterwards but that is more than okay, because I'm so used to that aha.  Again, I was up by the front, right in from of Tomas and that made me super excited.  I won't lie...huge crush on him.  My god.  He is so beautiful and sings so wonderfully and is just excellent and ahhhh.

They sang Somewhere in the Between as the final encore song and it was so perfect.  Really, that was an excellent end to the concert, and I even thought that if they went on it might have ruined it, so I was pleased with that ending.  They also played a few of my favourites, and I won't lie, I almost teared up when they played A Better Place, A Better Time.  Just hearing the entire crowd singing those lyrics all together...it was incredible.

I still can't hear much right now, and there is a slight ringing in my ears and that is totally okay aha.  I'm still at Dee's, when I probably should have left a while ago.  But I got up at around 12:30, because I was so tired and everything.  Now I think I'll probably wait until after rush hour.

Tomorrow I'm going to the Say Anything concert in the city by myself, because my friends are lame and ditched me and stuff and didn't get tickets after I told them to because they were going to be sold out.  They even left the Streetlight concert early last night.  I don't know.  I've been kind of meh with them and everything.  But I'm on the Island for a few days with family so that is good.

I'll probably put pictures up, but not right now because I am so lazy aha.

I got somewhat sentimental afterwards when I was talking to guy.  I explained that these concerts feel really at home to me.  Like I feel as though that is my scene and I don't feel so bad when I'm there, even when I'm by myself and all.  They just make me feel very happy and everything.  I just feel like I belong there, honestly.  It is kind of awesome.

I'm really glad I have friends who will listen to me be really bitchy and bitter and everything and just hate on the ex and all.  Dreams cause me to want to do that more and I often don't talk about them or about this topic much more to many people because I know it is probably annoying.  But I do have some friends who will still allow me to just express my hatred and frustration and stuff.

And when they tell me that they don't see the appeal of her over me, that does make me smile and stuff, aha.

Shallow, yes, but it is still nice to hear.

Probably because I always feel so worthless and stuff and so it is nice to hear from people that like...I do have some appeal, actually.

That is nice.

Maybe I'm not so replaceable and worthless.  Even if he made me feel like that.

Maybe I'm not.

So I left Callie alone in her crate while I was at session, and she was fine when I got back, so I think she's getting better with the being left alone thing.  I also put a show on so that she would have something to listen to while I was gone.  Maybe if there is some noise, she won't get so anxious and everything when she's by herself. 

She's been kind of weird about her eating and everything yesterday and today, which kind of worries me, but I'm probably thinking and fretting too much about it right now.  If anything, I have a vet appointment with her in less than a week, so if this persists until then, I can say something.  She's just been picky and her poop's been not so solid and stuff (which is reallllly gross to pick up aha), so I just wonder if she caught something while we were up in the Adirondacks.  Hopefully it will pass and all and she'll be back to normal soon.  

She's sleeping right now; we went to the dog park after I got back from my session and she was able to run around and stuff for a bit! 

At my session, I talked about the dreams; she told me that I should not be so angry with myself for having them, especially since I cannot control them.  That they are my brain's way of sifting through all the memories and still trying to process what happened.  That it does not mean that I'm not healing or that I want something that the dreams show (because I logically know that some things just won't happen and aren't good for me and everything).  It just means that there are still a ton of memories and everything. 

She also told me to try and not dwell on them as much as I have been.  To talk about them and think about them for a little bit, but to not overdo it.  (Aka - don't spend four hours in the car trying to analyze the dream and stuff.)  I know that is easier said than done (and she knows that too), but I said I could try, of course.  

Any attempts to think about him less and less would be awesome. 

Park

I went to a park over in Whitney Point with Callie today, because it has a lake and I figured it might be good for her to go swimming and everything!  And she did have lots of fun; only thing is that she got off leash and then some park workers kind of scolded me a little bit, so I had to put her back on.  I was wading in the water while she jumped around and swam and everything and she seemed to enjoy herself!  The only thing is that the ground in the water was really sharp and rocky so I ended up cutting up one of my feet pretty badly. Ouch.  But that's okay; next time I'll bring my 20 foot cable for her, and sandals for me!  

Our time was cut short though because a thunderstorm rolled into the area.  Sad.  But it was good and now I know what else I should bring for next time!  And maybe next time friends will be around and they will want to come with us and all! 

Got home and after a shower and bath for her, we went outside and were invited into our neighbour's yard so she could play with Harry (his poodle/collie mix) and I know she wanted to play with Ralph too (the french bulldog) but his parents were not home.  She got through the fence and went to his door though aha.  It was really cute, actually.  She also jumped into his pool and was able to swim for a little bit in there too.  

I need to train her off leash a little more.  Maybe in a fenced in area somewhere, I can. 

Speaking of, I did get into those training classes!  Unfortunately, the class was postponed to next week, so we won't be going today.  That also creates a conflict with the final class, though, because I'll be on the cruise when that happens, so I'm going to have to see what we can do about that.  Maybe if I pay some extra money, we can do some a private session.  Or I'll just deal with it, and Callie will just have to go with Brendan alone.  I'll ask her and we can see!  I am excited to start and everything though. 

Somewhat of a headache right now, and I don't really know why.

Cosplay Progress - Gun

So I said I would post pictures of the gun...

It.  Is.  So.  Sick.

I love it way too much.

Voice

Direct link for voicepost!

I'm tired and yet not tired and still feeling sad and Halo didn't actually help, it just kind of frustrated me.  Seriously, playing on Legendary is really kind of kicking my ass.  Playing above my station now.  I mean, I guess I'll get better this way, because playing on Heroic when I was first starting actually helped me learn stuff relatively quickly.  I should play online more; I know that is the best way to actually get really good.  But...idk I want to be better before going online again.  I was destroyed last time, even if it was over a month ago and everything.

I do need to sleep soon, because I need to wake up at 6 to walk Callie, and then again at 9 to feed her and hopefully I'll stay up then so I could shower and go out and get McKenna's card and gift before heading on up to her place and everything.

Also I ordered my ticket for Say Anything for next Friday so I am locked into the Streetlight concert on Wednesday in Albany, and then that one in the city.  And then the week after I still want to go to the World/Inferno concert on the Island, and then in July there is the second (and possibly third, depending on how much I want to drive and everything) Streetlight concert.  So I'm pretty stoked about those.

And then Steph's bachelorette party and Otakon in August.  This summer is pretty busy in terms of weekends.

And I really would like to visit Ursinus one time maybe before the Streetlight concert in July, but I don't know if I will be able to.  Sad.

Ignore, because I'm being dumb

Might delete this later but probably won't because I always say I will and then never do.

For some reason I started thinking about the photo album I gave to him for our anniversary.  More so I started thinking about the things I wrote alongside each picture I put in there and how blissfully ignorant I was of the inevitable future and everything.  And I wish more than anything I never wrote any of those things.  I wish I never made that album and I just gave some trivial thing that in the end wouldn't have meant anything.  Something stupid.  Something that didn't mean anything.

Because that album did mean something to me, really.  When I was making it, I remember how happy I was to be putting it together and to be writing things in it and I sincerely did think that it could later be filled up with more pictures and more adventures and everything.

I doubt he still has it.  Or if he does, it probably means absolutely nothing.  Everything I gave him probably means nothing, as he has told me what happened with other things exes had given him.  They meant nothing.  They were junk.  And now all the stuff I gave is in that category.  (Besides, of course, the stuff he could actually still use, I suppose.)  Meanwhile, I couldn't even hold on to the majority of things he gave me because they meant too much to me.

Actually, it is pathetic; I still have wolfy.  I still have that little stuffed wolf because although I know I should give him away or donate him or something, the thought of doing that still...I don't know.  It still makes me so fucking sad.  He kept me company while I was in London and everything and I just...I can't bring myself to get rid of him.  Even if I become sad when I look at him.  I don't cuddle with him when I'm going to sleep anymore, but he does stay on my bookshelf.  Ha.  Even putting him somewhere I can't see depresses me.  It is sad.  I'm just a pathetic person, really.

I don't know why I started thinking about this, honestly.  It makes no sense.  I've been getting stuff done all day today so I don't really know why it hit me in a weird and gross and obsessive kind of way.  But it made me sad and I wish I could stop thinking about it.

Really, I would love to just...forget about everything.  Forget about him and about the things I gave him and vice-versa.  I don't want his memory.

Forget about everything.

Unfortunately, I cannot.

And that shit continues to haunt me.

Ha.  He really did mean more to me than I ever did to him.

Sad.

Hour long walks are good at tiring out my pup, which is fantastic, since she's been kind of bouncing off the walls and everything lately.  And I met some new people along the way.  Seriously, my neighbourhood is so nice.  And I saw one of the poli sci professors biking and so it is cool to think I live in the same area as him and possibly some others.  And my neighbour diagonally behind us with the poodle/collie mix that Callie absolutely loves is a history professor and is so nice and I really just enjoy this area.

I'm still tired a bit though; since my sleep schedule is a bit weird now.  Go to bed around midnight, get up at 6 and go for a walk with the puppers, then go to bed again, wake up at 9 to feed puppers, and then go to bed again until whenever I wake up.

Though speaking of the pup, she did chew up one of my bras while I was asleep.  Which wouldn't have annoyed me as much if she didn't have all her toys laying around too.

I kind of like being in the house by myself today.  And I need to drive a long time tomorrow, and I right now don't...want to.  But I wanna be at McKenna's party.  I also need to figure out a present for her, and I'm not entirely sure what to get her just yet.

Speaking of, she also finished the gun for my cosplay!

It looks so good!

I still need to get the wig and the pants and the shirt and tie.  I ordered the jacket and it should be here next week; I'll have to modify it a little bit, but it shouldn't be too difficult, I don't think.

Feeling a bit weird today; happy to have place to myself, yet also thinking about stuff that I don't want to think about.  You know.  That whole shebang. Woo.

Spent today doing pretty much nothing except watch movies and play some Halo.  I started the campaign on Legendary and so far it is kind of kicking my ass a little bit, but I have noticed a drastic improvement in my gameplay since starting and that is really all sorts of encouraging.

Callie was a bit restless today, and I think it was because of the fact that we were not able to go outside as much as usual due to the fact that it was raining all day pretty hard.  And it is supposed to be raining all day tomorrow too and everything.  I am taking her to McKenna's graduation party on Saturday/Sunday too, since no one will be around to watch her here at the house.  I think I'm going to bring her crate too, so that she gets a feel of home even while being away.

Feelings-wise today...it was kind of weird.  I was not happy, not sad, not really anything, honestly.  Just kind of a going through the motions and lazing and zoning out all day kind of day.  Which is...eh, I suppose.

I do need to try and get some work done tomorrow.  It might actually be easier, because both roomies are going to be gone and so I'll have the place to myself.  So I could just put some of my music on and do some work.

Tired tired.

Also two concerts next week!  Excited about that.

The good thing about living with friends that I oftentimes forget about:

Things will usually get sorted out.

And I shouldn't have said some things I said in the previous entry but I was frustrated and sad an my mind went to the places it will usually go to and that is bad.

But I guess this is a really good thing, because it might be good for my mind to realize this and stuff.

So yeah.  Good now.


I also had gotten ice cream, which helps.  Brought Callie with me too and got her some.

House meetings are kind of awkward but at the same time, being with my pup and hanging out with neighbours and their pups and seeing them all run around makes my mood significantly improve.

At first anyway.  Now talking about stuff has made my mood kind of meh again, because all the issues I originally believed were going to be problematic appear to be showing themselves and that is kind of really...troubling.  I'm just slightly worried and...I won't lie, part of me wishes I had enough money to live by myself somewhere with Callie and everything and just see friends and stuff.

I dunno.  I just am not feeling good right now and I want to kind of disappear because this sort of stuff is really bothersome to me.  Meh.

We have to have this house meeting because I apparently 'ambushed' someone in suggesting that he actually buy stuff, but seriously, I have spent way more money and have contributed more to this house so...idk I'm not that sorry.  Which might be bitchy, but whatever.  And I think I care less because he basically was throwing a tantrum afterwards and giving the silent treatment and that was kind of obnoxious and I was really fucking annoyed by that.  So I took Callie out with me for a walk, but then called my dad and complained to him, and he gave me some advice and calmed me down a bit.  Then my neighbours invited me over so their dog could play with Callie, and then another one of my neighbour's dogs came out and all three were playing so a while so she is just pooped.  The cool thing is that she was off leash and didn't actually go far, so I'm wondering if I could start training her to come to me and stay close to me while not on the leash, which would be awesome.

(Speaking, I put in a check and info to try and get her into those training classes!  So hopefully I will get a spot!)

And seeing them all play and stuff made me much happier at first, though now I'm back to being kind of meh.

I think Callie picks up moods and stuff, because she seemed really weird when we all came home, and had an accident, even though she only had been alone for a little over an hour, so she really should have been fine.  But I think she was upset or something because of the mood.  Which made me feel bad.  Though I was happier that she was able to have fun with friends.

Though I had also taken her to the dog park again today.  She just has gotten a lot of socialization and exercise today, which is fantastic for her!

But she was really annoying when I tried to give her a bath.  And I wasn't even giving her a bath, really.  I was just trying to rinse her off because she had gotten muddy and everything.  But my god she did not like the bath.  And it was easier when Steph was here because she helped me, but this time I was going at it solo.  Let's just say she completely soaked the bathroom.  And she was going absolutely crazy and stuff. So bath time will not be particularly enjoyable for either one of us.

Bah, this whole chore wheel thing is becoming much more complicated than it needs to be my fucking god it really should not be this hard why are they complicating things so much.  Part of me wishes I just wrote one myself and asked them if it was good or something I don't even know.

Fuck I really should just live by myself because I've only ever been truly happy with one roommate and that was Karen and everyone else has been just...I don't know.

And now the same one I keep butting heads with is just being fucking annoying and is disagreeing with fucking everything and something that is a really good deterrent for people skipping out on their chores and I kind of want to hit him.

This is just really bad and I want to escape somewhere and I don't want to be here right now anymore because I'm starting to just resent this and him a little bit and I want to scream and I want to just run away with my puppy.

I'm just not happy anywhere and that makes me sad.

I just want to hang out with guy, really.  I wish he could be here so I could just hang out with him and no one else and just laze and watch stuff and enjoy each other's company and everything.


I really should have taken my pills today.  I've been slacking on those lately.

Seriously, I kind of just want to disappear.  Which is so normal and everything.  Ha.

I should just live by myself.  I can't work with fucking anyone.  


And I realize I'm being slightly immature right now because I'm just really fucking frustrated and I just kind of snapped at people and stuff but I am so fucking annoyed and upset and I just want to cry and leave and never come back.

So Callie already seems to like her crate, which is very surprising, considering she doesn't like kennels at all. But I got it and set it up, and even went in it to show her it wasn't something bad.  I put her bed and blanket and pillow and some toys in there.  Then I put a big treat that I had been saving in there for the first time she went in.  Then, every other time she went in there, I gave her a good treat (the ones I save now for training purposes), so she's just been going in without me having to coax her or anything.  So now I just need to craft a command for it and everything.

I mean, I hope she likes it.  This whole thing has taken a lot less time then I thought it would have originally.


I had session today and talked about my dream and how vivid it was and how its contents freaked me the fuck out.  That I don't like how happy my dream self was when I was told all those things.  I was informed that dreams like that might still occur and it remains part of the healing process and that while it is still difficult, I can't put a timeline on it.

She also told me that I am much better now than I was when she first started seeing me, which actually made me really happy to hear.  Because I constantly think I haven't made any progress.


I'm trying to find a weekend that might be good for guy to come over or for us to meet in Albany or something.

I'm back in a mode where I don't want to do anything, really.  The only things I want to do involve taking care of Callie and doing anything else takes so much effort for me to muster up the energy to actually do.  I was supposed to get some work done and I only read a chapter of the book that I really should have done by Wednesday.

But it really is just difficult for me to get up and do anything, really.  Again, unless it has to do with Callie, I just don't...care.  I don't know.  I did try to brush her teeth today.  I was...semi-successful?  Kind of?

I might take her to the school tomorrow so I could try to do work there maybe.


Seriously, I'm just really tired all the time again and have to force myself in order to eat twice a day.  Even though I'm now walking a ton with Callie and everything.

Meh.  Want to sleep.

Last night, guy and I opened up to each other a little more about our issues.  His I will not repeat here because I know this is technically public and I do not wish to breach any trust he may have instilled in me.  But they were completely understandable and I appreciated him telling me some things.  I really do.  It felt nice. 

I then told him about my own trust issues and the reasoning behind them.  That I am constantly suspicious of what I mean to people.  That if someone tells me I'm important to them, I will be skeptical, because of what happened with the ex and everything.  That I have fears of abandonment and I had them before I took a chance on him and everything, and what he did amplified my self-worthlessness.  That I'm in a weird state of both wanting to be alone and craving someone to be with.  

He told me I am not worthless and that what I feel is normal, actually, though I disagreed with him.  I just don't want to be abandoned again, but I said I wouldn't be surprised by it. 

I did appreciate him promising that he would keep being my friend.  That he wouldn't up and abandon me.  That I don't deserve to feel like crap.

Although I was sad about the subject of the conversation, I was pleased to hear that.  Even if I only somewhat believe him.  It was still comforting.  

But I've gotten too comfortable before, I suppose. 

Also since no one can watch Callie this weekend, I'm taking her with m to McKenna's graduation party.  It will be fun. 

Callie

She likes to take Dewott a lot of times.

Also gahhh my pup is so cute.

Also yes shut up I will be that guy which always talks about my pet.  Because fuck you that's why.

I'm procrastinating.  And tired.

Ice Cream

Ice cream makes things better always.

Steph and I took Callie to this nice ice cream stand and got her a doggie sundae.  Which is really just either some special dog ice cream or just vanilla (I didn't inquire as to which) with doggie treats sprinkled on top and it was really cute and she loved it so much.  And then Steph and I got stuff too and it was yummy.

I should do work today; Steph left a few minutes ago (sadface), and I do have a lot to do.

I know I was thinking about going to Ursinus this weekend, but McKenna is having her graduation party on Saturday so I think I ought to go to that, actually.  Maybe at the end of the month I can hit up UC.  I know I'll definitely be going down in July because of Streetlight concert at the very least.

So yeah, feeling a bit better!

So my nights are not safe even after I have a dream about new guy and then talk to him for almost an hour on the phone right before going to bed.

Because for some reason, my fucked up mind interprets this interaction with a new person that I'm getting closer and closer to, who told me that he thinks I'm special and wonderful and has thought about me every day since we met (though a lot of it sexually but that's fine)...my mind decides to give me a sad dream about the person I wish I had never met.

And by sad, I mean terrible.  Like waking up feeling  like I want to throw up and wanting to cry while on my walk with Callie.

Basically, it was New Years, and for some reason, he was in the same house as me, getting ready to meet his girlfriend at a party elsewhere.  I made a comment that everyone in the place had a party to go to except me, and that was fine.  And, for some reason because of this, I decided to drive him so that he wouldn't be an idiot later and try to drive after having more than a few drinks.

And we got to talking on this drive.

I was explaining to him why I was still sad.  Why I was so angry with him and hated him.  How I felt like because of how quickly he got over me and moved on and found new people to be serious with and to love, I was worthless and everything he ever told me while we were together was nothing other than a ton of lies.  And I said that that was all fine.  It was fine that he could have a night where he is hysterically crying and telling me he only wanted to be with me and no one else ever in his lifetime, and then dump me two weeks later, and then find someone new within that month.

I said it was fine, because while I was sad about it, I should have expected it.

Because it was all that I had feared going into the relationship to start with.  Fears that I had forgotten about, that I should not have.  And that it was a lesson to me.  I should not have expected someone to love me so unconditionally as he had claimed.  I got too comfortable.

Now, this wasn't the part that made me want to cry when I woke up.

That part was him telling me that everything he said was completely true and genuine and that even though he was with someone new, he still thinks about me every day.  And is sad that I'm sad.  That he wanted me to be happy when he broke up with me, and is devastated that I'm not.  That this new person does not mean as much to him as I did and do and that no one could ever truly take my place in his heart, no matter what title she may have.

Basically, that he did not lie when he had said that he wanted to be with me forever.  That I was actually the one.  The one he let go so maybe I could be happier.  And that he was not expecting this to happen.  He was not expecting me to not be able to eat everyday, to cry all the time over him, to still be upset about what he did so long later.  And that maybe it was because he didn't think much of himself, that he thought himself easy to get over.  When that was and continues to be not the case for me.

And he decided to not go to his party, so I wouldn't be alone on New Years.


I wanted to cry when I woke up.

Because I know everything dream!ex said is not true.

And I wanted to cry because of that, and because I could genuinely not think about him almost all day and have a great day and talk to guy on phone and over text right before bed...

That even with this, my subconscious tells me there's something still there in the back of my mind.  And it needs to remind me of it at night when I'm asleep.

So today has been really quite awesome.  Steph and Callie have helped with that a lot.  Callie actually just brought in a live frog in the house with her mouth.  And it was completely alive and had absolutely no injuries on it.  It was probably terrified (near-death experience it can bring back to its family aha), but no physical injuries.  So we had to frog hunt since it hopped behind the couch.  But I was really kind of impressed.  She's just friendly to everything aha.  Even a little froggie!  She just wanted to be friends with it.

But I had a good dream which involved guy and no ex and that was an awesome way to wake up.  He and I did a lot of fun stuff in this abandoned school and we ran around together and all.  It was really nice to have a dream about that which put me in a good mood to start the day.

And then after going for a walk with the pup, Steph and I went to Lost Dog, which she really enjoyed.  That place is always one that people like when I take them, so I was happy she liked it so much!

We took another long walk and then went to Target and Petsmart, taking Callie with us.  Steph was helping me with training tips, so we were doing a few things with her to help her not jump up on people and stop tugging on the leash and all.  And it has been really good!  I appreciate everything she has to say and everything, since she's super good with dogs and training them and everything.

I got some really good training treats, so I can have special ones for when I'm trying to train her and everything.

We also went to the dog park, and Callie really enjoyed herself there too!  She played with another doggie, and ran around for a while and it was just awesome to allow her to run off leash.  Though afterwards, we ended up having to rinse her off, so that was...an adventure.  I don't know if I'll be able to do that by myself, aha.  But although she started a little skiddish, she ended super calm.

She really is just a fantastic pup.  And she'll be even better when she is more trained!

We then got Wreck-It-Ralph and pizza delivery and it was fantastic.

Then the frog incident occurred.

Really, I'm still impressed, aha.

Heh, I miss this game and this song.

Stop thinking of things, Allison.  Seriously.  Stop it.  Just watch Supernatural and wait for Steph to get here.

Once again I'm in a weird mood today.  Eh.  I guess that shit is normal, though.

I told guy that I've been feeling odd the last few days.  That I just feel like I'm going through motions and am not actually feeling...much.   That there is only the exception of when I'm doing stuff with Callie.  He advised me to do something out of the ordinary, though I don't really...know what to do, I guess.  I should be doing work, but I don't want to.


I need to start looking for new cars too.  Cornelius is on his last legs (or...wheels).  Which makes me sad, because I'm really kind of attached to that car.

My sister is coming to visit later, and I'm really excited about that, though I do need to clean a little bit before she gets here.

I keep waking up with really bad headaches and I don't really know why.  It might be because I have to get up around 5:30/6 to take Callie out, and then I go back to bed and wake up again at 9 to feed her breakfast, and then go back to bed and wake up whenever after that.  I'm still getting enough sleep but...eh.  I'm not sure.  But it has been the past few days where I've woken up with a headache and it is getting annoying.

I was skyping with Anisha yesterday, but I had to cut it short because I went to take Callie out.  Now, I was going to call her back when I got back, but when I went downstairs, Callie actually followed me down there.  At first I was very happy because she's been kind of afraid of the stairs, it seemed, so this was a big thing for her.  But then, even though I was just out with her two minutes before, she pooped down there.  It was actually an easy cleanup; it just took some time.  So I didn't get to call Anisha back.  I feel bad, a little.  Wahh.

But I think Callie recognizes when I'm not happy with something she did, because I was a little less lenient with her after that with things she was doing and everything, and then she kept giving me those sad eyes and all.  She's a smart cookie.  Just a puppy though, so she does silly things.  I did teach her "lay down" yesterday though!  She got it super quickly and I was really excited because I actually taught her something.


Apparently it is National Doughnut Day.  Might wanna celebrate this one.

So while we were out walking in the rain, Callie decided it would be fun to run down the hill in front of me, thus knocking me down and causing me to let go of her leash as I slide on the wet grass.  Thinking we are now playing a game, she decides to sprint around me a few times, but again, not actually getting incredibly far away from me.  Every time I tell her to come to me, she does but...sprints right by me.  At least for the first few times.  Finally she just comes to me and I feel kind of awesome with that, actually.  

She's really silly.  She likes these busy bones and throws them kind of in the air because for some reason she has some trouble keeping a hold of them.  She just gets really really excited when I get them out.  It's really adorable.  Also, when she's on the couch sometimes she wedges in between the sections and just chills there.  Or if something of hers falls down there, she tries to get in between them and get it and it is so cute. 

I got a lot of things done today.  Felt super adult and all.  Getting the carpets cleaned on Monday, and my sister is coming to visit this weekend, so she'll be here tomorrow (which means I need to clean), and I did a few other things which needed to get done.  

I always burn my mouth when I eat pizza.  Jeez. 

I've been thinking about visiting Ursinus next weekend maybe, if people want to see me or anything.

Paraphrased

"A lot of times I will always go with what other people want instead of doing something that I want to do.  I just have this really bad and overwhelming sense of guilt that I can't get rid of if we do what I want to do.  Like I stole something from them." 

"Why do you think you get that guilty feeling?" 

"I don't know.  I think it still has to do with the fact that I think everyone else deserves to be happy over me."

I continue to think like this.

I had another dream with the ex in it.

I don't remember everything, but I do remember I was an adjunct professor or something and he was in my class.  Why, I have absolutely no idea.  There was a test, and he only answered one of the questions.  The rest were left blank.  I was very short with him, but then people left and he was trying to explain to me that an emergency happened the night before and he wasn't able to study.  I remarked that that isn't an excuse, because he had more time.

But then he started going into what that emergency was.  I don't remember what it was, but I remember that I ended up feeling bad for him.

Some of the other details are a little fuzzy, but I know we got back together because there was a lot of kissing and hugging and hand holding and all that stupid shit.

And I woke up not too pleased.  I'm actually really kind of sad right now and fuck.  I went a few days with no dreams of him; why did I need to have one now?

I really just hate this.  I hate seeing him at night and thinking about him sometimes in the daytime and I just hate it and I want it all to stop.  Luckily, I haven't been thinking about him as much as I used to, but he still pops up, and then I can't help the stuff when I'm asleep.


I kind of want to disappear right now.

I miss some people and want to skype with them all even if I'm just super lame and everything.

Was in the weird zombie-like state today, with the exception of when I was doing stuff with Callie.

Forced myself to eat some dinner at 9 or so, because seriously.  I know I should but I'm back in the mode of not wanting to eat or anything.  And I feel as though my appetite should be getting greater since now I'm walking a lot because of the puppers.  But nothing's happened.  And maybe I'm impatient.

But I also know emotional shit trumps physical a lot.


Basically some days I feel like I am just going through the motions and stuff and I want that to stop.

I made sure I ate lunch today because for the past few days I've returned to only eating once a day and I know that isn't good.  But now I'm really full and don't know if I'll be able to eat well later on.  Bah.  But maybe I'm being too worrisome, since it is only 4:40 right now.

Callie has me waking up much earlier, but things have been great with her.  I think I might take her to the doggie park tomorrow at some point because she just loves playing with every dog she sees, and I really would like to keep her socialized and having fun.  We met another puppers again while on our walk and she and he played for a bit so she's pooped and napping right now.  I think she's fine as long as she is sufficiently exercised!

I did appreciate PetSmart calling me right after she finished getting cleaned, because they recognized that she really doesn't like the kennels (which is understandable, since she spent way too long in one).

We just need to work on her jumping on people when she meets them, since she does that to everyone and I need to figure out a way to get her to stop that.


Guy has been sending me a lot of pictures of his kitty and holy hell she is so adorable.  I keep telling him I want to meet her and everything.

I like talking to him about non-sexual related things.  He's been super fun.

Now I'm thinking about all sorts of bad things.  Like what it would be like to just not feel any of these things any more.  To just do something to make everything stop.

And although these thoughts pretty much always exist in the back of my mind, sometime they are just super overpowering and I can't handle them.  And I think about that person from my undergrad whom I did not know but I still feel this weird connection with, and I wonder what caused hir to actually do what xe did rather than always just think about it...  I'd like to avoid that.  I wish I had been able to speak with hir at least once...  I do think about hir more than I should for a person who did not know hir in life.  

Also, I'm sorry if I'm using pronouns incorrectly.


Right now, I think looking at Callie is the only thing which is giving me any sort of comfort.

I think I'll take her for a walk.

Is it a good thing or a bad thing that my heart sped up when I learned about the ex having to go to the hospital for some reason I'm unaware of?  And maybe I should not have checked things to see, since I have been looking at stuff a lot less, but still.

That my eyes went wide when I saw that that happened, and I got hot and nervous and worried and sincerely said:

"I hope he's okay."

Maybe that's good that I said that to myself.

I still hate him, but I guess I'm not heartless?

I guess part of me wishes I was heartless.

Because now I'm thinking about him.

And I wish I was not.

Because now I'm just really sad...

And the jealousy I try to convince myself is gone is actually not...because the idea of his new girlfriend being able to stay with him during this thing - whatever it may be - makes me sad.  Sadder than it should at the moment.  There's something wrong with me when for all my anger and the fact that I despise him so much...I would still rather it be me than anyone else with him if he needed emergency care.


I hate him, but I'm not heartless.

Accidents

Callie just had a few accidents in the hallway that I had to clean up, but I know it is my fault since she actually did wake me up and I didn't realize it was because she had to go to the bathroom so I took my sweet ass time in getting out of bed  So, I'm knowing now that I should take her out more; I thought she would be fine until around 7 in the morning, but I know now that I'll have to get up around 4 or even earlier to make sure she is okay in terms of that.

I'm actually going to take her out again in maybe two hours just to be sure everything is okay.  (Since she both peed and then pooped while I was getting my shoes.  Seriously if I had just grabbed them immediately she wouldn't have and now I feel dumb but I guess learning and everything is good.  I'll just need to take her out earlier in the morning than I thought and everything.  Good thing I have hardwood floors and not carpet!)

She did look guilty though, which might actually be good because she knows she's not supposed to do that? I think.  I am hoping.  But I just watched a video on housetraining so maybe I just need to retrain her and everything.  But I won't be able to take her to Long Island if she's having these kinds of accidents still in three weeks.  We will see and everything.  Hopefully now that I know to take her out much earlier and more frequently, things will be okay.  (I was basing things off my sister's dog, who is older and who was older than Callie is now when she adopted him, so I'm realizing that's not fair since Callie is still only a puppy, really.)

So hopefully today and tomorrow will be better!


I also have a session today and I didn't know if I should take her with me; I know Nancy wants to meet her but maybe it would be better to take her next week rather than this week so she gets more used to things and everything like that.


Okay.  Back to sleep for two hours or so!

I know these pictures are not very good but she's pooped and everything.  As am I aha.  I should really go to sleep soonish.  

Tomorrow I should probably go food shopping or something, honestly.  And I should probably get some work done too!  

And I will do some other things in the house too!